#i can also understand if nonbinary people feel left out/disconnected from the movie | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cloudie-skay · 9 months

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This would have been a post befitting of Pride month but I say I can post about sexuality and gender any damn time I want. I also just want this written down somewhere

Identity is one shitty puzzle and I lost the box for it ages ago

It was easy to accept that I was nonbinary. It's one of the first things I discovered about myself when the idea of different genders and sexualities was just getting introduced to me. There were signs that even a younger me recognised. I have journal entries dating to 2016 where I referred to my as a gender-neutral person back when I thought I was inventing the term. I told my best friend I was genderfluid but then whenever they asked what pronouns I felt like that day it was always they/them. There had always been some sort of disconnect when people called me a girl that I couldn't quite pinpoint. So when I stared at the definition of nonbinary for maybe a bit too long, it all kinda clicked in place.

It was easy to accept that I was asexual. Getting rid of all the imbalanced hormones and religious trauma, there was no desire left. There was a morbid curiosity for something I was barred from really knowing about but then that was it? Catholic school really scared us into thinking we'd become deranged sex addicts if we looked at porn at all. Then came how others described how they perceived attractive people. Sometimes it came with an underlying motivation that I didn't really understand. I really went through life thinking sexual attraction was some sort of inside joke I just didn't quite get yet because I haven't had sex. Though it didn't initially occur to me that it was because I simply didn't have any sexual attraction, I figure it out eventually. At this point, I wouldn't bat an eye if it turns out I'm demisexual instead though.

Despite all these lables seeming slotting into my identity pretty neatly, it was not and still isn't easy to come to terms that I might be aromantic. To me it simultaneously doesn't make any sense and makes too much sense.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I say with emphasis on hopeless every single time. I've had crushes, I've dated people, and I have a desire for romance! Surely that means something?

But I fantasise over the most mundane things, I read fairy tales of princesses and their knights, I watched movies of people falling in love. Maybe the romance I want isn't something I could even get.

I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the intimacy and emotions you get from romantic love. I've always wanted that kind of love where you are each other's world, where you put each other over most else. I still want to be held desperately close by the person who knows me like the back of their hand, as I do them

But whenever I think of these scenarios and images, I can never really put someone there with me. There's never a solid image of someone in my life that I could fully imagine doing those act with.

The pessimistic side of me thinks I'll feel like this forever, that I'm just not built for that kind of love no matter how hard I try. And that I shouldn't pull someone through my fantasies without loving them the same way.

The desperate optimistic side of me thinks that maybe I just need to find the right person. That when I finally do, I would pour all this bottled up love on them as soon as I can. Maybe even a little scared that I'd love too intensely.

As of now, I can't piece that part of my identity and even then, I don't even know if I'd like what piece ends up fitting in that empty space. I feel like that this point, I'm avoiding finishing the puzzle because halfway in, I realised I didn't like the picture I was about to complete.

I like the parts I did put together before, and I'll probably stare at the unfinished puzzle for a while before I dare put it together fully

#nonbinary #asexual #aromantic #aroace #arospec #pride #sexuality #gender

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modernlcve · 5 years

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* — stats — trevor portillo !

* — basics !

full name: trevor keegan portillo. nickname(s): none. age: twenty - three. date of birth: february twenty-ninth. place of birth: boston, massachusetts. gender: nonbinary. pronouns: he / they. sexual orientation: bisexual. level of education: high school graduate.

* — physical !

tattoos: none. wants em but is just too scared of needles :pensive: piercings: none. notable features: anyone ever notice how wicked broad noah centineo’s shoulders are. yeah. weakness(es): too soft. scar(s): gnarly scars on his right knee and right elbow, short scar down his left shin, scar on his jaw, and a few smaller ones on his hands.

* — domestic !

occupation: he’s got balls in the air. fry cook. plays drums for his dad’s band. interns at a local radio station. residence: apartment. maybe roomies who knows. social class: working class. parents: mandy portillo, age 43, raised him on her own from the day he was born til she met his step-dad. she’s a little new age, a little funky, she teaches yoga and blows glass. jason portillo, age 40, his step-dad that he considers nothing less than blood. apart of trevor’s life since he was like 4. has no contact with his birth father. doesn’t even know the guy. siblings: one younger half-brother, morgan “mo” portillo, age 12. trevor gets a kick out of busting his balls, because he’s 12. extended family: largely disconnected from his mother’s family.

* — personality !

positive traits: altruistic, gregarious, loyal. negative traits: reticent, sophomoric, hypersensitive. myers-briggs ( x ): isfp; the adventurer temperament: melancholic. moral alignment: neutral good. horoscope: pisces, the fish hogwarts house: hufflepuff.

* — favorites !

movie: the big lebowski. tv show: workaholics. book: lord of the flies. drink: blue monster. idk the flavor name. food: he will eat... anything. and love it. animal: ducks. color: blue. song: the air that i breathe by the hollies. artist: the animals. celebrity crush: harry styles

* — impressions !

first impression: he’s a lil funky. he doesn’t really get weird about strangers so he’ll have no problem telling u personal or weird things abt himself right off the bat. he’s an open book and he just wants to make friends :) self impression: trevor just sees himself as a normal dude. not a particularly high self esteem but not a horribly low one either. he thinks he could be doing better, but he ain’t doing too bad either. lover impression: trevor wants Great Profound Love so yeah maybe he’s a little sappy in this department. he’s doting, he genuinely likes making other people happy and who better to channel that into than a Lover.

* — et cetera !

turn ons: nice people, familiarity, a good laugh. turn offs: people who try and live a too fast paced life. drink/drugs/smoke: yes/weed/alternates between smoking and vaping, just depends on the week he’s having. dominant hand: right. clean or messy: messy. early bird or night owl: night owl. hobbies or special talents: he is a genuinely good drummer. he’s got a good internal clock. gets along with kids well.

* — QUESTIONNAIRE !

01. where was your character born? what brought them to boston? what do they like most about the town?

trevor was born in boston. he stuck around because he likes it well enough. he likes being close to his family and friends, he likes living in a city big enough that he can still get lost sometimes, even though its the only home he’s ever known. he likes the nightlife. he likes seeing frequent newcomers, a new cast of faces every now and again.

02. who are your character’s friends and family? who do they surround themselves with? who are the people your character is closest to?

trevor’s family is his parents and his half-brother. they all get along pretty well. his mom is a free-spirit, it’s hard to not get along with her. his step-dad is one of his best friends, he just feels like they Get each other and they share similar interests so they’ve always kind of palled around. his brother is in middle school and going through a bit of a douche phase, but they’re all pretty sure they can pull him through it. he’s good friends with sylvia and riley, in their own ways. he knows they have a history ( granted he probably doesn’t fully understand it ), but, ultimately, isn’t the kind of person to let their beef get in the way of his being friends with both of them.

03. what is your character’s biggest fear? who have they told this to? who would they never tell this to? why?

trevor’s biggest fear is never finding stability. he knows he’s too young to have everything on Lock, but he hates change, and always has. he wants something steady, a real job, friends who’re sticking around, a partner he can trust, just some semblance of the easy domestic life he’s always been so into. he doesn’t bring it up much because i don’t think even he realizes just how scared he is of feeling like he does now, kind of in between and looking forever.

04. has your character ever been in love? had a broken heart?

trevor was in love with one of his best friends in high school. they dated on and off for three years, but, in the end, it was decided they were just better off as friends. they still hang out, whenever she’s in town, and it’s not especially weird or awkward. he had a boyfriend at the end of high school and his first year out that he’d say he was in love with. they’ve got a little more bad blood. for someone that dates as much as he does, you think there’d be more than that, but he doesn’t make it to In Love with most the people he sees now. his heart is broken almost always though. of course his exes were worse, but like when that thottie unmatches him after a lively conversation about grill food? yeah it hurted.

05. your character is doing intense spring cleaning. what is easy for them to throw out? what is difficult for them to part with? why?

im gonna stop answer this too because i feel like i keep saying the same thing in them all. eventually, i’ll have this down to like 3 questions jsfdhskjdfh

06. it’s saturday at noon. what is your character doing? give details.

making moves. he’s likely working at the diner. if not, he’s probably loitering around the radio station. he loves playing music, but, ultimately, doesn’t want to pursue performance as a career. he is interested in getting work at the station though, and working with music more tangentially.

07. what is one strong memory that has stuck with your character since childhood?

oh buckle up. trevor’s favorite song is the air that i breathe by the hollies which is. a choice. but its because when he was eight and he heard it at his parents wedding he was pretty sure it was the most Romantic song that had ever been written not that its a huge priority for an eight year old but consider. he’s a freak.

09. what is something that upsets your character? where do they go when they’re upset?

trevor’s microchip will short circuit over like. generally people being mean he just Cannot understand why you cant be fundamentally nice it costs zero dollars to not be an asshole. he’s also particularly sensitive to people calling him dumb. when he’s upset, he likes to be working, talking to customers and pretending everythign is Okay.

10. when your character thinks of their childhood kitchen, what smell do they associate with it? why?

his mom burned enough incense there weren’t a lot of Heavy Kitchen Smells but when she broke out the online recipes for at home vegan curry she found it was always a Fragrant night.

#( trevor portillo. )#( stats. )

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