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noelevangilinecarson · 1 year

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Rewatched ep2 of The Gilded Age last night, and when they get to the Russells', Anne says "so this is what Dido felt when she was about to throw herself onto the flaming pyre."

Either Anne (or Fellowes) isn't that clever, or I'm not understanding Dido's story.

Dido, first of all, stabs herself (idk if the pyre's already burning by then or not). So that's one thing. Secondly, she's doing so because she has been abandoned. Who has abandoned Anne? Patrick? (Babe, he's holding your hand.)

The only way I can figure it is that Anne is basically saying she's only doing this because she loves him. But also, that's an imperfect metaphor.

I assume it's meant to be foreshadowing, but it's sloppy, right? Patrick's the one who kills himself, and sure, he abandons Anne to pick up the pieces. But does that suggest that she, too, will commit (more suicidey) suicide in s2 (which I expect not bc she's too tenacious for that)?

The most it tells us is that Anne is a literature/mythology/opera girlie. And that this dinner is gonna kill somebody.

Or, if we're gonna put the queer reading on it, it possibly foreshadows, not Patrick's death, but Aurora's betrayal. Aurora agrees to bring Bertha into society, and abandons Anne ("you'll deny it but you will"). Does Anne then fulfill the story of Dido and destroy herself? Or does she live to see the vision at the end of Berlioz' Les Troyens come to pass? That the old city will be defeated by the immortal new.

Again, I can see similarities, but I think the line is wasted. Because again, Anne is referring to committing social suicide, but without having first been abandoned. It doesn't follow.

Because I don't think Anne is dumb. I think she is incredibly adept at operating within the rules of NY society. I mean, she sits next to Mrs. Astor at luncheon. It's just that the Russells have so much money, they are capable of breaking the game. There's no playbook for her here, and Patrick never tells her why he needs her to get cozy with Bertha.

So why would she make a reference that makes no sense?

She should be referencing Joan of Arc. Being burned for the crime of defending her homeland from the invaders (she def called the Russells invaders). The profound injustice, the political overtones, her firm conviction that she is correct. It fits much better.

#the gilded age #the gilded age (hbo)#anne morris #this is a long post and it's extremely late #i apologize if it's too rambly to make sense of #suicide mention #suicide

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hallowsden · 1 year

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@f4nd0m-fun here

So, I was on the ship Wiki, and I'm wondering what your Crane ships are?

I stumbled on Scriddler and TwoCrow, and I couldn't help but peek at TwoRiddle, so now I'm thinking about TwoScriddler, and oh no.

I barely know these chars and yet here I am.

Now combine this with John barely speaking with his fam and... you got Danny showing up on his doorstep one day, and Crane may have forgot to tell his buds about it, and you've got a small mess.

Personally, if I had to ship Harvey with someone, it's Gilda or Bruce (or both) (Unless it's Batman Forever version, then definitely TwoRiddle cause HAVE YOU SEEN THEM!?)

But honestly? This made me thinking... (Long ass rant ahead that may or may not make sense. This is written while being sleep deprived)

Jonny boy here ain't the only one who suffered abuse as a child. Both Harvey and Edward have as well. They both have Daddy Issues while Jonathan, depending on how you interpret him or which backstory you use, have granny issues + religious trauma or also Daddy Issues.

That being said, Harvey gives me the "this family ends with me" vibes, especially after he became Two-Face, and may be put off with Danny's presence for a while. He doesn't want to continue the cycle and become his dad. He'd likely would have liked, at the very least, to have been informed about the new addition to their family so he can... Prepare essentially/get used to the idea/plan how to avoid Danny. He's... For the lack of better words, cautious/careful around Danny, as to not accidentally trigger himself by accidentally hurting the kid. Does this make sense?

It'll take a while for Harvey to relax around Danny but for sure, he's gonna be very protective, if because he's Jonny's kid at first. He'll come to adore the kid and while not see him as a son but like... Oh, who's he and Harv kidding, that's his kid now and too hell with a coin, fuck with one of his then you'd get instant death penalty with him as the Executioner.

Harvey is gonna try and teach Danny law, specifically how to use loopholes against the system and evade arrests and such cause what else is gonna try to do to bond with Danny? Man's life had always revolved around law... Though... there are times where he'd go into this sort of story mode, recalling his experiences with Danny. He's soft and distant here but this is his way to fully open up, if that makes sense.

Harv, on the other hand? Teaching Danny how the criminal world works. Kid needs to learn how Gotham works. Can't have him die (er- turn fully ghosts? Yeah, he and Harvey don't understand Danny's halfa nature but they try and are supportive... They can't help but be reminded of themselves actually-) or Jonny's gonna be beyond pissed in a whole new level. Is actually rather strict, makes sure to put ground rules and boundaries with Danny compared to the rest of the parental unit that is Twoscriddler. Someone has to be the strict parent... How he and Harvey are considered the functional parent here is cause they actually practice self-care, well to an extent anyways, compared to his idiot lovers who would go days on end without eating, drinking, or sleeping, if the chance rises.

Harv, though rarely, would go into story mode as well to Danny, but in his perspective. There are many times he and Harvey hate each other but... They lived and went through the same life. Just differently. He mainly does this after something especially happened with Danny, like say, Danny nearly got shot...

Now, Edward on the other hand... Really depends on the version but in my opinion, he'd be indifferent with Danny at first, if a bit surprised. Jonny, with a kid? Now, isn't that interesting. Would definitely grow very fond of Danny very quickly, and if he learns that Danny's good with inventing and such, he is, for sure, gonna nurture those skills.

Eddie boy is gonna drag Danny to his workshop so they can bond over building shit. Also, VIDEO GAMES CAUSE YOU CAN NOT TELL ME OTHERWISE THAT EDDIE'S NOT A GAMER! Gets too competitive, too loud, just overall chaotic fun with Eddie also rambling about shit in the process. Just, the two are fucking gremlins and fueling each other's chaotic streak somehow cause while Eddie is an adult very full of himself, he acts too much like a child when he's relaxed and not trying to maintain his dignified image even though everyone has at least witness his childish streak at least once (this including his tantrums/meltdowns...)

The fun uncle/dad that managed to help Danny feel like a normal kid he wasn't able to be exactly due to living with mad scientists (who wanted to kill him later on even if they didn't know it was him). Eddie boy would also definitely help tutor Danny. Just that he may get impatient or teaches things too fast. Best that Jonny's there helping with tutoring so it's better paced and not going overboard.

But uh- yeah, it's gonna be a bit of mess when Harvey/Harv entered the shared apartment and see a random kid in there (who both resembles Jonny in some ways and also has the right coloration to be considered Wayne bait AND OH BOY-) huddled in blankets. Eddie would likely just walk past Danny, and after a few moments, walks backwards and stare at Danny, processing, before getting Jonny or Harvey, before trying to maybe interrogate? Depends if he slept or was hyperfocused on a project in his workshop.

[Also, @f4nd0m-fun, I swear, you've been fueling my need to create more Uncle Scarecrow content- DO YOU KNOW HOW HYPER AND EXCITED YOU MADE WHEN YOU @ ME!? Well, I think you're gonna see it when I do the reblogs... Just- XD, I'm having too much fun today/last night/lately (wtf is time anymore)]

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laurzzz · 20 days

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Me to my younger self: You have got to stop saying "I'm sorry!" for every little thing!

Also me now: "Forgive me if—", "Forgive me if this—", "Forgive me if that—", Forgive me—"

#talks talks talks #even my old habits are adapting HAHAHAH #tbf tho 'forgive me—' feels less self-deprecating if that makes sense #like im just writing a formal email and saying it out loud #like. oh i feel like i fucked up and i acknowledge it while also giving you the request to either let it slide or not #saying 'im sorry' all the time feels too internalizing yknow? makes ya stay in the mind too long #'forgive me's more of a transactional thing. nothing personal #ofc ya also gotta *know* when to use either of the two lmao #but as a recovered chronic apologizer or wtv ppl call it #this shit is the better option for me #holy shit wait why did i ramble this long i was just poking fun at myself #anw anw

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vylad-romeaves-autism · 2 months

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I want to go into a bit more detail about some of the things me and @whorencezvahl have talked about for Vincent in our rewrite because we’ve accidentally made him a semi major supporting character to the main plot of our rewrite. So be prepared for rambling about Vincent that may or may not make complete sense, none of this is going to be in complete timeline order for our rewrite but it’s all some of the more important things. Warning again, this is going to be long rambles about our rewrite Vincent. Also some of this is just going to be brief explanations, so feel free to send an ask if you want to learn more

☆Like mentioned previously, Vincent was previously once Shad’s kind of right hand man and the first person Shad ever turned into a shadow knight. Shadow knights originally in our rewrite was kind of a way that Shad would be able to keep his friends alive/keep them around longer(both of the first two shadow knights he created ended up gaining their immortality, though Vincent is the only one we’ve fleshed out) Vincent at some point has met all of the other Divine Warriors, but doesn’t know them all as personally as he knew Shad.

★Vincent at one point did end up pulling away from Shad (as of writing this we haven’t talked about when or what caused it, we jump around timeline wise a lot so somethings do not have answers right now) and ended up going with his brother, who ended up becoming the first lord of Meteli. Stuff happens and Vincent ends up killing his brother and gaining his immortality, Vincent then chooses to stay in Meteli basically as long as there is a Meteli. He basically vows to always makes sure Meteli is fine and nothing bad happens to it, but he refuses to become a lord.

☆It’s not an entirely well known thing that Vincent is an immortal Shadow Knight, even through he’s been in Meteli since it was founded. He’s kind of in a sense more kept a secret. The current lord will obviously know that he’s an immortal shadow knight, but majority of the village doesn’t know. He has a good bit of say regarding the village, but he’s not fully in charge. He has full veto power regarding who becomes the next lord, so if he doesn’t think the person would be good to be lord then they won’t be. And most lords just know not to argue with him about that.

★Now actually onto stuff that is more relevant to rewrite. Due to him just being concerned about keeping track of possible resurgence of the Divine Warriors, he keeps track of Shad’s descendants (of course to an extent, mainly the ones who could potentially wield Shad’s relic) He doesn’t track the others descendants, mainly because there are not many descendants to keep track of its mainly reincarnations at this point. I’ll make a post later about how relics work in the rewrite.

☆Joh at some point just comes home with like preteen Laurence and Vincent has like one conversation with him and takes away two things. 1) at some point in the near future the Lucan family is going to completely die out and 2)this child is the reincarnation of Shad. Which obviously isn’t a good sign. And unluckily for him this won’t be the last time he meets one of the new divine warriors(labeled later on at least to refer to them by us, the relic holders)

★Last thing(not really this is all I want to write because my brain is going to much) he’s one of the last few shadow knights who can correctly make a shadow knight by Shad’s standards!!

#aphmau #aphblr #vincent mcd #minecraft diaries #mcd #mcd rewrite #amethyst mcd rewrite #if you didnt my last post/reblog prev tag is temporary rewrite tag #half of the start of this was written when I was half awake #I’m an idea person not exactly a writer so it might not make too much sense #hotpockt rewrite talks #hotpockt rambles #I’m only tagging Vincent even though other characters are mentioned #apologies for the longness #expect this for the other characters as well

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tiedsh0es · 9 months

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inanimate insanity ramble incoming ⚠️⚠️⚠️ rewatching ep 6 (invitational) I'm really sad of where Balloon and Nickel's relationship is going because I was really rooting on them becoming friends. And ep 6 is such a good ep to think abt how they could have become friends without it being too out of left field

Nickel is still such an awful guy this episode, the entire challenge is to make people laugh but as TK will point out all he's doing is just snapping back and making people upset, he hasn't lost that side of him-

but then theres that scene where Balloon's on the verge of panicking because Bot and Floory are goin for him. so Nickel forces him out of participating by making him laugh rather than him losing to Bot and Floory. and theres too ways you can take this, Nickel wanting to get a sense of control out of this- Or as I see it, more as a sort of compassion from him?

Season 2 Nickel wouldve been badgering Balloon for this- Balloon would lose and Nickel would blame him for it, and maybe that's why Balloon is so panicky. Because he's the last one in it's all on him. if they lose its his fault. but for once Nickel sees Balloon actually having a hard time and sticks up for him-

granted you know it was a little... self-centered that it had to be him getting Balloon out of the competition rather than bein like its alright dude! but I saw it as a sort of first step? It's realistic for him and his character, and I thought that this would lead up to Nickel kind of realizing he liked Balloon as a friend! I mean he even calls him his friend at the end of the ep.

and maybe this was originally their plan (AE), that Balloon was going to give Nickel a second chance. Cuz that's all Balloon ever wanted was a second chance. but now I feel like in the more recent episode they are backtracking?? Nickel refusing to apologize, and turning on Ballon again. maybe they think now its better if Balloon shldnt forgive Nickel and that's why Nickel suddenly turns on Balloon again.

Nickel struggled to apologize to even TK, in ep 5, and I thought that would lead up to him realizing there are bigger things than his ego and hed apologe to Balloon-- but now it sounds like Balloon never even liked or wanted to be friends with him in the first place???

I dont even know if I think Balloon should forgive Nickel anymore but its sad bc I really liked their friendship

idk ! maybe i'm thinking too far ahead I wont know where their relationship is heading until one of them finally gets eliminated

this is not the face of someone who "never wanted to work with you again" Balloon has moments where they get along genuinely. i actually hate that quote idk

not that i think its bad balloon finally stuck up to Nickel but i dont like his reasoning being he's kind of been leading Nickel along??? BC BALLOON IS NOT IN THE WRONG.

#is it too ooc to want a nickel apology??? no bc there has to be a reason they paired them together as a team AGAIN right???#inanimate insanity #ii balloon #ii nickel #rambling #talking #idk if this makes any reasonable sense maybe i am delusional

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crispyasaurusxx · 6 days

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I'll keep it simple, fuck A.I. artists, I don't care how 'proud' you are of your 'work' The only thing you did was type on a keyboard and wait for a text or an image to generate. You didn't put any effort into it, nothing, you. are. a. fraud. A thief. Get yourself together and understand this "A.I. art" is stealing people's jobs. If you're that dense to notice it, then I don't think there's hope for ya.

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scrawlingskribbles · 2 months

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still endlessly fascinating to me that the whole "Casanova"/"romance" angle of Raymond's character is just a word-of-god informed trait that we never actually.... see, in-show?? Like, if you're Just watching the episodes without any other contact to fandom/Krew stuff, Raymond is purely just a haughty sports-themed bot with a bit of a flair for the dramatic, so Ernesto's jab at him in Let's Watch The Boxmore Show about needing to "pick a lane" between Sports or Romance feels like it comes?? completely out of left field????? 😂😂 (yes, sports pun intended lol) Like... is it just because of his whole roses/flowers motif??? Is that really all it takes to somehow constitute "romance" here?? Because I call BS on that honestly xD 'Romance' as a concept has way more depth/complication than simply "the existence of roses/flowers"; not to make another pun so soon, but It Takes Two To Tango as the saying goes, and the only person Raymond ever (sort-of?) tangoed with was Rad but that dance battle was definitely Not romantic-coded, so?? xD (Insert joke here about Second First Date largely consisting of a date-fight with a focus on flowers which Was supposed to be romantic-coded but SHHH x'3c) But at the same time, if the flowers aren't supposed to be the reasoning then W H E R E are we supposed to have seen any kind of ""romance"" from Raymond for Ernesto's line to make sense??? Please, I am genuinely asking to be shown the logical thread here, it's been killing me for years now and I simply Cannot see it jhgjshgkjsg x''3

#OK KO #baffled. absolutely *gobsmacked*. like I know it's a kids cartoon and he's nowhere near a Main/focus character #but you can't go making claims of Casanova and Romance-Bot and then NEVER actually show that at all???#I mean my Actual theory for why they refer to him like that is that it's like. a workaround/codeword for The GayTM #which then makes Ernesto calling him out for it even more rude & tbh kinda hilarious but I digress xD #''oh no he's totally flamboyant & dramatic & XYZ because he's a ~RoMaNcE~ robot; don't worry Censors there's nothing to see here <3''#and yeah again this is Specifically about Ernesto calling him out for something that we Never saw on-screen in-show #so like if there were other PlansTM or whatever that didn't make it in then fine I get that but then you need to cut Ernesto's line too #because otherwise it just doesn't make sense 😂#OKAY I'm done with this ramble for now; my apologies for taking up your dash/screen space with this nonsense x3c #shut up Wisp

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twenty-orange-balloons · 1 year

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Okay, I think I really didn't word my JGY post very well, so I am gonna restate it just once, while I am not half-asleep and giving myself no time to think my words through in order to respond to someone.

What I meant to say –

I don't think talking would have helped much and I don't think "Friendship is magic" bullshit would have worked and saved everyone.

Honestly, talking would probably have done shit. I was just spitballing on that post, my impulsive ADHD brain working ahead of my rational brain. That's why it's tagged cell rambles, because most of the time it's a 'top of the head' post.

So I will try to be a little more understandable/coherent in my reasoning for my dislike of Jin Guangyao.

What upsets me about Jin Guangyao, is that he has choices and when those choices backfire he blames other people.

I am not saying he has choices for everything he does or that he can always choose the one he wants. I just mean, he does have choices at some points. And when he makes those choices and then blames other people for them, it's annoying.

You can't deny that Jin Guangyao was never forced to do some of the things he did. Most probably, yeah, but some of it? No.

Especially after his father died, after he killed him in a Humiliating and Disgusting manner. Did the man deserve it? Yeah, he most likely did. Was Jin Guangyao forced to do it the way he did? No, he wasn't.

I understand he was dealt a shit hand at birth and people around him constantly reminded him of that. But just like in real life, you can choose how to react to it. Though, I agree that he didn't really have much options in that regard, because pretty much everyone around him was cruel and abusive towards him or didn't have the leverage to help him.

The thing that pisses me off the most about Jin Guangyao and ultimately why I don't like him and believe he was the cause of his own death, is because some of those choices he made, killing NMJ, maybe his son, continuing demonic cultivation research, letting Xue Yang live, etc.. was unnecessary/avoidable. Yet he acted like he was forced to do them.

That is why I don't like him.

Because he plays the victim after causing so much shit to happen to other people and acting as if he didn't have a choice in the matter.

You can see that clearly the moment before he dies, the way he turns from threatening everyone to pleading with Lan Xichen, acting like a victim, like he was forced to kidnap everyone and threaten to kill them, when he was the whole reason they were there in the first place.

He told Lan Xichen he didn't want to hurt him but threatened his brother right in front of him as if he believed that wouldn't hurt him.

He killed Nie Mingjue and then when the consequences of that, Nie Mingjue's corpse that he chopped up and spread around, came back, he acted like Nie Mingjue deserved it and he was forced to kill him, trying to plead that he didn't have a choice. He 100% had a choice.

It's the playing victim to things he's not a victim of, that upsets me. Not that he is/was/can be a victim. But that he plays one when he isn't. That's what I hate about him.

Side note: When I said he ultimately caused his own death, I meant his decision to kill Nie Mingjue. As soon as that thought crossed his mind, his death was already going to happen, because Nie Huaisang would never have let him live after finding out. That was supposed to be an entirely separate thought but I don't think I made that clear in the first post lol it really was just an impulsive, no thoughts, annoyed fueled ramble.

And maybe my post did come across as idyllic, as if talking would have saved him and kept everything bad from happening, I didn't mean it like that, as I said, it was an impulsive, no thought ramble. Of course I said something stupid lmao I really need to double check my impulsive rambles before posting them.

#cell rambles #mdzs #cql #not going to say anymore on this topic #I know many people disagree with me on many things #and I don't need people to validate my opinions about fictional characters #I just wanted to at least try to correct the slight misunderstanding on my thoughts about jgy #I hope this makes a little more sense than that last post #I truly was half-asleep when I was responding 😅#I think what happened was two separate thoughts accidentally came out at the same time and mixed in a way that sounded weird?#and I didn't register it until too late #I apologize for the whole mess 😂#jin guangyao #why i don't like jgy

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cakemagemaeve · 8 months

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I recently managed to sell a couple of my Monster High dolls for a total of $165.00, so it is with no guilt whatsoever that my mother and I went to the grand opening of our town's first dispensary. Y'all. We got so much swag. They were giving away snap-backs in all manner of colors and designs (mine is black with a starscape on the brim, and mom got a beachy tie-dye one, 'cause she's an old-school hippy beach bum), we got multiple free shirts, lighters, pins, and soooo many stickers. Also, mom got a lanyard, a do-rag, and a gold-ish necklace, and I got a cool poster!

Also, we bought weed.

#really good weed too #and it was half-off!#cannabis dispensary #wearing my green sweater #which for those who are new to this little hobbit hole of a blog #means i'm high as balls #i use it when i'm posting something that i know is kind of rambly and might not make sense once i'm sober #it's a sort of apology and explanation #for whatever weird shit i might have said or done

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seariii · 4 months

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Health update: broke the streak of waking up with a sore throat, It doesn't (or barely) hurts today. Coughing is still here and the cold air doesn't help, my back hurts from the effort of coughing. I hope I'm finally getting out of this one, I'm so tired of it

#i almost never get sick but when i do it hits me like a truck #my best friend who i played with yesterday said he didnt want to vc because he didnt want to make me talk q_q #also not me talking about Haruka's poor sense of self preservation and then turning around and showing my poor sense of self preservation #im happy about that post of amongos btw heh it gives me the happy molecule #i used stuff ive seen or done back when i played with friends and assigned it to them #i was always holding this one friend's hand and if the impostor was either of us the other one wouldnt say anything #this one time they killed me and i was in tears. they apologized profusely and said it was because the other impostor killed there and #i saw (double kill shananigans) so he had to do it to me. on the other hand when i was the impostor they were almost like 'kill me'#so i could win at the end lmao... ah i miss those good times now they are in a toxic relationship where everyone has told them to get #out of there but they are too kind hearted and 'but i love him!' kind of way... sigh...#SEE?? I RAMBLE SO MUCH AND JUST PULL OUT 10 DIFFERENT SUBJECTS AND I ALWAYS FORGET WHERE I WAS TRYING TO GO WITH THAT

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rebel-moons · 2 years

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trying to distract myself from the very real fears i have about vol 2 by thinking about a ronance veronica mars au.

the story always starts the same. barb dies at the first blush of sixteen and nancy’s life shutters to stop. it’s senior year now, and around her everyone is making plans for their future, but nancy is stuck living in the past, haunted by the ghost of her dead best friend that everyone is too happy to have forgotten about.

then we have hopper, a washed up police chief with a drinking problem who barb’s parents hire as private investigator. nancy would, of course, con her way into being his assistant for access to barb’s investigation. (plus i love the idea of innocent, suburban good girl nancy wheeler sneaking out of her house at night and going around hawkins terrorizing people while hopper just sighs tiredly in the background)

but peace in hawkins only lasts so long, even without supernatural disturbances, and teens start dying again.

when eddie munson is named as suspect #1, nancy doesn’t think much of it. there’s little to connect chrissy cunningham and barbara holland’s deaths. but when her brother comes to her with his big pleading eyes and claims eddie’s innocent, c’mon nance, don’t you believe me? she finds that she does. and of course it makes sense her brother and her friends are mixed up with eddie munson. she’s more surprised to see her ex and his weird friend getting involved.

and while this nancy is really more of a solo act, steve and mike get all wide-eyed and worried and there’s someone out there offing high school girls, you really shouldn’t be wondering around on your own and that’s how nancy gets stuck with robin buckley, certified disaster who never stops talking and insults everyone without prejudice, who keeps looking at nancy like she’s waiting for nancy to laugh at her terrible jokes and it feels a little too close to how barb used to look at her and -

she was my friend, too, y’know robin tells nancy, one day, soft like the confession cost something, and nancy didn’t know that, or didn’t want to remember that. you weren’t the only one who lost someone.

(nancy is starting to suspect she lost more than just barb that day.)

and in between the casual breaking and entering and some light larceny, robin starts to take the shape of a friend. or something friend-like. robin does things like remembers how nancy likes her coffee, and shows up unannounced to hang around hopper’s while nancy works and never feels like the distraction she is. it makes nancy’s chest sharp.

and then fred benson’s body is dumped at nancy’s front door.

it’s as clear a warning as any, but all it does is piss nancy off. this bastard has stolen so much from her already. she’s going to be the one to put a bullet between his eyes.

and robin is right there, unusually calm in the face of nancy’s thunder. robin’s hand is a little sweaty and bigger than nancy’s, but she slots her fingers between nancy’s like she has the right to and swears she’s with nancy, whatever happens. it’s the sort of vow begging to be broken, but nancy is tired of being so alone.

the first time nancy kisses robin, they’re both soaked with terror, trembling from the relief of a near miss. she does it so she can blame it on the rush of adrenaline, but she’s never as good at lying to herself as she is to everyone else, and she’s been thinking about using her mouth to shut robin up for weeks now.

their only real connection is a misplaced loyalty to a dead girl. and there’s still a killer out there, painting a bloody target over nancy’s life. she isn’t even sure if she remembers how to be a part of the living anymore. but robin kisses her back like tomorrow is promised and nancy thinks it may be worth it to try again.

#ronance #robin x nancy #nancy x robin #stranger things #this got a little away from me #not!fic #veronica mars au #i wrote this high this am so apologies if its too rambly or makes little sense but i can't stop thinking about this #kelsey writes #but also #fics i am not writing #although i already have a playlist for this so who knows really

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autisticlee · 9 months

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I wasn't diagnosed with hEDS, despite very much suspecting it before that. my doctor used that testing method (I always forget the name of) that looks at like 5 joints only and judges based on that. some of those happened to be joints I don't have as much issue with (for example, my elbows and knees don't bend past the degree required and my back is way too stiff to touch the ground without a lot of stretching first) but I was told I have general, basically harmless joint hypermobility and there's no treatment to help me or anything. I'm basically fine I guess?

I was told by a few people on twitter that the test is outdated and the issues I mention having sounds a lot like hEDS and I need a second opnion (but can't get one because that's the only doctor in my hospital/insurance system) so all I have to go by is what people online have told me from a guess and what a doctor told me. so I really don't know what the truth it. but I feel obligated to go off of what the doctor said and say "I'm fine" because I was also told by twitter people that this "isnt something to wish for/it's a very serious condition/you can't just self diagnosed this/etc" so I can only assume I just have a few joints that bend more than they should but it's fine.

(this is longer than i expected so i'll cut it)

my joints are always popping and cracking and feeling very loose and floppy. I don't get big dislocations requiring hospital visits that I am told are a required symptoms of hEDS. )I can dislocated my jaw on demand though and have to use my hands to put it back lmao and other joints get stuck and feel like they're trying to dislocate and stuff like that? i've had toes and fingers dislocated and my parents just yank on them until they pop back in. my hips are some of the worst joints i think. of course those aren't tested in the EDS test. i'll be walking and suddenly my hip feels like it pops out of place or gets stuck. if i'm standing and shift my hips, I can feel it pop really dramatically. always a dull pain, sometimes sharp pain that makes it very hard to walk untol it goes away. but I try to ignore it.

I feel like I have high pain tolerance (not sure if due to being autistic and having weird sensory issues, or from basically being trained my while life to ignore my pain because my parents couldn't afford to take me to doctors, being told to suck it up i'm being dramatic, getting ignored or told others "have it worse," etc.) so i've just been accepting the joint pain I get, especially from my very physically demanding job, and don't do much about it. I'm pretty sure most, if not all my sleep problems are due to chronic pain and discomfort. everyone tries to tell me it's all in .y head and I can't sleep because my mind is "too active" and i'm just "thinking too much" so i've been suggested so many things to treat anxiety. thkae don't work and meds made it WAY worse. i'm the definition of "head empty" when i'm trying to sleep. I don't think that's it lmao. if it's anything in my head, it's the vivid dreams I have. but do dreams make you feel like you got physically hit by a truck? maybe mentally, yeah.

my mom, who I work with, has chronic pain and back and other problems. so since she "just deals with it" she applies that to me and says "mine is worse/I deal with it every day and it mever stops/I can't help you/you have nothing to complain about/etc" and not just her, my whole family seems to have chronic pain and stuff. it's like it's genetic, idk. so i'm expected to work through it and ignore it. she doesn't use any mobility aids despite probably needing to, so it was never suggested to me. i've had pain and issues most my life but was always told i'm "too young to have any pain. wait until you're 25/30/35" (the number changes as I get older for some reason...) "you arent allowed to complain/experience pain now, you're too young. exercise more. you sit at your computer too much. etc" so i've just tried to ignore it and deal with it because i'm overreacting and it's not bad, right? others have it worse.

I visited some friends this past week. One friend is disabled and uses a cane/wheelchair to aid her mobility due to severe chronic pain. I brought my hip brace with me, which helps hold my hip in the joint a little and helps stop it popping out as I walk (there's still pain though, but it stops my joint from popping out sideways when i move it, if that makes sense?) my friend noticed me struggling and despite me telling her i'm fine and this or normal, she demanded I don't just "deal with it" like everyone else. she made sure I had my brace on, shared her pain meds, and made me borrow her cane while she used her wheelchair.

we went to an anime convention and met up with one of my friend's friends for a little bit. she also uses a cane when walking around a lot. she noticed my hip issues and my skin having a bad reaction to the double sided tape I was using for cosplays and asked if I had EDS because I showed signs like people she knows who have it. that kind of further makes me wonder if maybe my doctor misdiagnosed because of the bad outdated test? perhaps it's not and i'm overthinking it. i'm just thinking that if that's what it it actually is, it would be nice to know so I know how to help myself? like maybe there's more treatments than just ignoring standard hypermobility? and what if there's other related issues i'd have to watch for amd not know about?

but anyway, borrowing my friends cane, with and even without my hip brace (sometimes with wrist brace too if i remembered because wrist pain particularly due to an old, severe injury as a kid), doing a ton of walking all week, I noticed I never got sharp hip and knee pains that I get normally that almost down me every day at work or when going for a walk. I always try to ignore them and push through and continue what I'm doing. I assume that's fine and even get annoyed at myself for being so overreacting to it????? i'm suppsed to have high pain tolerance, right? i'm making a big deal out of nothing probably!!!!

but using it that whole week and finding that it helped makes me wonder if I should get my own???? not that I really go anywhere and I can't use it at work because I have to use my hands the whole time. (or is that attention seeking behavior? I know using one draws negative attention because people are assholes about that stuff. but it's still attention. am I secretly wanting attention???) I also wonder if i'm experiencing more issues than I think. like have I gotten so used to ignoring things that it's actually worse than I think? am I a walking imposter syndrome? i've heard you can dull your own sense of pain by ignoring it long enough and being autistic with sensory issues can also cause a reduced sense of pain. it seemed like being around other disabled people and people who actually paid attention to me meant people noticed me struggling more than I notice, if that makes sense?? but I don't know i'd I am truly struggling or i'm unconsciously making it up????

when I was on my way home walking through the airport, I thought I was doing fine. yeah, I was going slower than everyone else and leaning on my rolling carryon luggage, but i'm sure I was fine......I must have looked like I was struggling. a man driving one of those little transport vehicles through the hall stopped and asked if I was ok. I said i'm fine and he insisted I get on and he take me down the rest of the very long hall. he got to the end where it splits and I needed the opposite way he was headed so he called for someone with a wheelchair to scoop me up and take me to my gate and wouldn't accept a no.

I thought i'd be fine shuffling the hour long layover I had to the opposite side of the airport to my gate, but turns out I made it a minute after boarding time started even with other people running me through on wheels double the speed or more i was going myself. I may have missed my flight if I kept shuffling on my own.....

even though it was a lot of help, I still felt bad, like I was taking up resources from people who really needed it. I never considered myself physically disabled despite my weird joint issues, weakness, chronic pain, lack of balance and coordination, etc. it was a lot of help, and like I said, I may have missed my plane without it, but I still felt really bad and still do, like a fraud, like I was wasting something others needed more. I just feel like my struggles aren't enough to warrant any thpe of disability aid, if they can even be considered struggles at all. I felt like i'm an able person being fake and taking something that doesn't belong to me, wasting resources that aren't meant for me, despite it not being me who chose it or asked for it. I tried to refuse, but it was given to me by someone who seems to have felt I needed it????? should I have rejected it more and tried to be more insistent on being fine? (though i'm not sure i'd be capable of that since I was overwhelmed and my autistic brain can barely handle airports....so talking at all was kind of out of the question)

i really feel like I don't need or deserve help like that! I need to deal with it on my own and ignore it, right? others have it worse! it's not that bad. I can deal with it on my own. maybe i'm being dramatic about any pain and stuff i'm experiencing and need to suck it up and stop complaining. It's not bad enough to even mention it! maybe i'm unconsciously trying to get attention or something like that. unconsciously looked like I was struggling for some kind of attention or something (despite trying to always shrink and hide myself in public to be left alone, especially when sensory overwhelmed). I hope I didn't impede anyone who needed and deserved help more than me 🥺😔

#lee rambles #disablity #hypermobile eds #disabled #i dont know what to tag this but if anyone wants to share their opinion i'll allow it #tell me if you think i did bad and stole resources from people who need it. am i a fraud? and i horrible for not being able to reject?#how do i stop limping around and look find instead so it doesn't happen again? 😔 why do i feel sl bad about this? 😭#look fine*#am i an abled asshole who is overreacting and taking up space i dont deserve? 😭😭😭😭😭#do any actual disabled people ever feel like this?#i truly genuinely feel like a fraud who wasted people's time and resources and feel bad and cant stop 😭#i'm sorry if anyone thinks this way too. i didnt mean for this to happen 😔#also im not proofreading this. too tired. so apologies if typos or things dont make sense or i repeated the same things D:

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 2 years

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tbh the only way I can reconcile Mulder snapping at Scully and generally being slightly a jerk after all the crap in Genderbender is simply that he does consistently get REALLY snappy when he's scared

#like... ok first of all i never finished the episode but still #it's consistent that when he's scared — especially scared FOR SCULLY — he comes off as kinda angry #and often that's taken out on her #like he was scared in ice and got aggressive bc of it #he seemed really angry at her at the hotel in beyond the sea bc he was scared for her trusting in boggs #it just... is the only thing that makes sense #he was harsh bc he was scared out of his mind and shaken up by what just almost happened #and i don't think he MEANS to take it out on her bc obvs she's even more shaken up and freaked out #but he does anyway. which uhh.... sucks #(tho i will mention that he gets a LOT better about not taking stuff like that out on her over time which is great character development)#and i like to think maybe he REALIZED that later and realized that he probably made everything way worse for her by acting like that #and that he apologized later and like just explained that he didn't mean to make her think there was any blame on her #he was just freaked the heck out!! and he took it out on her and that's on HIM.#maybe i think too highly of him tho hhsdhhsdjdhhsdhhsdjdbdh #Lu rambles #txf #the x files #txf s1 #terrible episode but I've been thinking about this for some reason #txf meta #meta finding tag #dana scully #fox mulder #mulder and scully #msr

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kerorowhump · 10 months

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#keroro #i love this. she is me. i can live my unbridled amounts of cute aggression towards him THRU HER #i literally need to do this irl #like i just skimmed ep 64 bc i was curious about this trauma switch thing and ive never wanted to grab him and whack him around more #in an affectionate way not because im mad at him oh no. i understand him so deeply. i feel him. i know his most inner psyche.#and he inspires unrecorded levels of senseless violence in me #me in my little ignoramus bubble writing a 4 pages dissertation on his character anyway bc like. i get him ok #his deep seated sense of guilt that he's constantly fighting against. that he needs to repress and deny in order to function.#his fear of abandonment. fear of never being enough. not being able to make up for it. for himself. thats why hes self sacrificing #his selfish childishness that comes from not having been allowed a lot in his youth. taking friends for granted in his past but knowing -#you dont fit in with them. constantly apologizing for yourself. taking space. too much. self indulgence. because friends is s scary concept #and yet one you couldnt survive without. letting them walk all over you. denying your anger. your fears. crawling back to them with a smile #at their feet and biting time because what you really want is friends. company. but you think you don't deserve it. deep down.#maybe u dont. your worst reminder the friend you love. and if they ditch you it's deserved. you don't need them (you do)#why am i rambling!!!! he has ruined me. if im wrong dont even tell me bc i prefer this version in my head anyway #*charlie voice* look at me. psychological trauma up to here #im not saying growing up poor with a father that shames you for your interests and ''disciplines'' you made him selfish but. no yes!#i am saying that. bc i know how it is. growing up with friends that have a lot that u can never afford. u feel guilty just being with them #ok we strayed a lot from the og post which is just me saying I WANNA PUNCH THIS GUY SO BAD (he is me)#keroro gunso

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doggendoodle · 11 months

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fucked up and singlehandedly cost my group a kudos fight in front of someone i respect (this will have a negligible impact on their day but i will forever be haunted by their first impresson of me being ruined)

#toontown #ttcc #you know that horrible clawing feeling you get when you want more than anything not to talk about something that happened to you but you #physically can't do anything *but* bring it up so you talk about it in the hopes of. something. but you don't know if the something you're #hoping for is reassurance or radio silence and you don't know if finding out would make getting what you want better or exponentially worse #if anyone's seen that one txwatson tiktok about hearing the wallpaper it's. not that but pretty similar.#at this point i'm just throwing in something i couldn't quite articulate before i hit post but. it's like a weird fear of apologising Wrong #because i fear the effort it would take to apologise properly would make the apology feel desperate or insincere #coupled with me not knowing if the guilt i feel is proportional to the guilt the people i 'wronged' would want me to feel #which is compounded since the way i 'wronged' them was messing up a boss battle in a video game. but also us losing was Entirely my fault #and i don't know at what point an apology would become like. pressuring them to say they forgive me even if that's not my goal #does this make sense? is it hypocritical to ask if my ramblings make sense when my worries are entirely about being too much?#*is* there a way to assuage those kinds of worries without being insincere #either by accident or on purpose #is 'being insincere on purpose' even a thing you *can* do?#if i bring up why i struggle with this does that become manipulation? even though i'm asking in good faith?#did not expect to be pondering the ethics of guilt after failing my team in a boss fight when i woke up today

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coldercreation · 2 years

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skdjaks im catching up on ur recent posts cuz ive been inactive on tumblr, and i came across the one where u and some ppl in the replies lament on loving the idea of relationships but never developing crushes rlly and finding it hard to date and whatnot, and damn i relate. i was gonna comment but i wanna stay anon for now, so i am in ur inbox instead huhu. but yh i deal w the same thing, ppl have had crushes on me before, but ive never once returned them? and like even if i find someone attractive as far as i know that doesn’t translate to wanting to bone… blech. i was talking to my friend abt this yesterday, and i was telling her that maybe ill try just going on dates and figure out how i tick?? general research has led me to id as demi after contemplating ace when i was like 13 so,,, who knows rlly. tldr i am similar and i get being confused abt it H

Ohh this is so interesting actually! Like, I genuinely wasn't expecting that so many of you would relate when I wrote that post??🤔 Obviously I knew that there's no way that I'm the only one on this whole planet, but still, seems a lot more common than what I had thought!

I'd like to think that it's very much okay to be confused by these kinds of things, no matter how frustrating it can also be. That's pretty much what I've been telling myself recently. Even if I'd like to find someone I really connect with and to have a relationship, there's no rush or need to force anything immediately just for the sake of it. Maybe it can even be fun to explore with time, and to figure out those things that will make us tick?

For me it's probably more about working on my social life in general than about anything else. Especially since the apps clearly don't do it for me and there's not really any other ways to meet new people. But I'm kinda feeling optimistic about it, mostly because I've been enjoying being social so much more lately!

Thank you for sharing love! This topic has been so interesting and I've enjoyed hearing everyone's experiences xx

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Huge RAMBLE warning lmao:

I actually brought this topic up in therapy after we chatted about it here, kinda just theorised about it while trying to make sense of it all. My/our conclusion was that, for me, it could stem from ✨trauma✨ and needing a lot of time to truly open up/warm up to people (demi?/trust issues/hyper-independence). And since the societal norm is to often move a lot faster than that, I haven't even had the time to see the possible connection/spark/whatever in people, because they've already deducted, based on me having been very cautious and closed off, that I'm not interested, and so they moved on. Which in turn could've made me feel unwanted or uninteresting or unattractive or even abandoned, y'know? So I'd be left confused, feeling like there was something wrong and unattractive? about me, while also wondering why I'm never actually interested in anyone even though I've always longed for those deep connections with people.

Nowadays I've been feeling a lot lighter and... open? I guess, and I can genuinely see a change in the way people approach me? Or maybe they've always approached me the same way but I just wasn't able to be receptive to it🤔 Dunno! But there must've been some sort of micro-visible behavioural shift in me or something, because as soon as I have started to feel like I can and want to seek out people's company and I genuinely enjoy it, people are just... suddenly there? Whereas before there was this void?? Even when I tried to change that.

And despite me not having met anyone specific I'd be interested in dating, I have felt like I could actually do it now if the right person came along. (When I tried dating through apps years ago I felt like I was forcing it. It was very surface level and short lived, didn't feel... right?) And with that 'shift', or whatever it is that's changed in my behaviour??? I've literally been dodging date invites this past year like it's a sport???? Like tf?😭😂 This is mind boggling to someone who has for years thought that no one just gives a shit about me and there's something so unattractive about me that that's why no one shows any interest... But I think it really is a lot to do with some strange subtle messages that were given off? (and maybe also me leaving the house sometimes lmao....) I believe I wrote it in one of the more brainy stories as well, maybe CYE?, that if someone's whole body language, subconsciously or not, screams 'leave me the fuck alone', people are likely to leave them alone. And if we're not aware that that's the message we're giving off, it can very easily make us feel confused and like something's inherently wrong with us.

But then again, I don't think I would've been ready for anything like this a few years back, so perhaps the brains are smarter than we think and know that it takes time to heal. My therapist agreed that not having crushes could be due to so many things, but what I was saying did track to him. Slow to warm up/demi? + (social) anxiety + trauma are a hell of a combo when it comes to building new relationships. No matter why I'm not having crushes easily, he told me to take it easy on myself and to be understanding; after dealing with mental health crap and trauma for most of my life, it'd be very unreasonable to compare myself to the societal 'standards' or expect myself to do things in the same phase as other people are. Like, I had other shit to deal with growing up, so maybe I'm just now feeling like I'm ready to be myself, and it's okay to take things slow.

(And while writing that, speaking about people suddenly being there when before I felt like no matter what I tried, I was struggling to connect with people; I just got a thank you text from someone I helped at work when they were upset about something, and they said they'd love to see me (this one is in a friend way, not a date way) outside of work sometime as well :((((( is it weird if I cry lmaooo) xx

#apologies for possible incoherent writing hahaha #I word vomited but now feel too lazy to check if it makes any sense #SORRY ANON for using your ask to ramble :'O #I found this topic so interesting though #and figured maybe my therapy ramble could be insightful for someone else too when it comes to this #obviously this is very strongly tied to just my own experience #and to my interactions with my personal therapist #so keep that in mind #maybe you can relate to some of this #or none of this #that's okayyy #we all have our own journeys!<3 #Thank you anon again for sharing #and for everyone who's shared on this topic #xx

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