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ellerevelle · 5 years

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okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order:

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home.

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy.

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh.

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead.

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her.

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me.

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it.

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face.

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked!

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many,

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon.

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise.

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to.

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else.

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE!

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love.

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer.

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane.

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat.

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories.

I only like my own brand of cigarettes.

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid.

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc.

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam.

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post.

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something.

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy.

No, I have become recently lazy.

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

#depression!

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart.

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE.

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but.

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened.

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life.

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out.

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner.

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run.

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh.

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin.

I need a job.

#fml

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gryffon · 7 years

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gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement.

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely. this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

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lil-stingyy · 4 years

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the turns have tabled on my life

last year, same day today, April 1st, I recieved a confirmation that i actually passed the entrance exam of the most prestigious school in our country. great, yes, but the take is that. i never actually imagined to. so i moved on the moment i finished the exam knowing i was hopeless and applied on other colleges. i made it to one,without any tuition fee, along with my friends and actually planned my future on that university. i got my life planned and im happy and contented with ,my decisions

BUT

last year happened and upcat results happened and my once planned future suddenly vanished and i was filled with confusion and bombarded with self-doubt and other negative thoughts- I broke down.

This is me that day, looking like shit because i dont know what to do. risk???

University of the Philippines (which i know, has really high standards because of my sister’s experience and the feels it gave during its entrance exam and just the fucking name itself. ITS THE COUNTRY’S TOP FUCKING UNIVERSITY!!!) or Carlos Hilado Memorial State College (uhm, not as scented as UP of course, but still, it’s a state university and i passed my dream course and the institution;s not that bad actually, it actually got a name on national levels too, but still,,,, how do you compare that to Up???)

Also, everyine’s congratulating me while i dont even know how to respoind and how to silence the voices in my kind.

also, my parents of course said that they will support me whichever ill choose but im not dumb enough to not know that they are secretely wishing for me to choose UP because well. you know the reasons, and also because of my sister;s experiences on that prestige school.

but

it was really a huge risk for someone like me who’s not competitive and didnt took her high school education seriously, you know, that student that barely gets by but still manage to pass. actually not just pass. but i managed to make it ot the top. DONT BE FOOLED. hasha im smart, but not that smart, our school’s just not hard enough for students to fail and not strict enough for students to actually pay attention and i hated it because i was turned into this chill kid not caring what will happen because of bring confident to pass whatever happens.

and taht is not the qualifications of a UP student.

(and i got a feeling, i can just continue with that negative attitude and still get a degree on chmsc with my dream course, but just, not in UP)

thats why im hella scared because im not prepared for bigger things to happen. im angry because my perfectly planned life was ruined by something i dont know what to do about and i really hate not knowing and i was so FUCKING CONFUSED I LITERALLY CRIED MY FUCKING BROWN EYES OUT. i cried for hours and days asking god for guidance what to do with my miserable life but in the end

i actually chose to risk my comfort zone for world-class education.

This is me. A year later the turns have tabled in my life.

this bitch.

(admit it, i actually got prettier hahahahha jk)

but anyway this is me now. stil a strong independent woman BUT now more nationalistic, a critical thinker, more awakened citizen of the country, now calling out the evr incompetence of the government.

dont get me wrong. i already love the Philippines before i got into UP. and im firm with my ideologies. i HATED THE CURRENT GOVERNEMNT EVEN WHEN I WAS JUST 16, until now. And I did nothing about it. thats how useless i am back then.

UP did not brainwashed me into hating the government and fighting for it, in any ways possible. IT MADE ME REALIZE MORE. sure there are political orgs trying to recruit you and make you yell and raise placards with foul words against the government and social issues. BUT YOU DONT NEED TO JOIN THOSE MOBS TO ACTUALLY SHOW THAT YOU TOO HAVE BEEN AWAKENED TO THE TRUTH THAT THERE MUST BE A VOICE THAT SHOULD START THE BATTLECRY OF THE OPPRESSED. THE CRY OF THE MASS AND THOSE BEING TRAMPLED ON BY THE CAPITALIST GOVERNMENT.

hahahahahahah

now you see how the turns have tabled. this post started as a personal reminder of the decisoins ive done and turned out to be a political rant and i cant blame you (my dear reader) to actually hate me for it (HASHAHAHAHAHAH bold of me to assume that there are actually people whi’s going to read lomg posts of insignificant people like me),

but ok. what im trying to say is i that im actually happy that i risked my perfectly planned future for an unknown path. And now, i deadass learned a lot from the pretige school. Academically, especialy because i honestly got pressured to do so much more than my limit and work hard on everything, do things on my own, trust only the right people, having only 2 real friends and fucking failing despite all the hardworks youve done. and also being a good citizen :-) something i probably dont give a damn about if i stayed with the same poeple ive been around with, if im still dependent on my parents, if i did not explore the new world alone, and did not get educated about the needs of other people,

the bottom line is

maybe e should actually choose to be more and consider the greater things we could do if we step out of our comfort zone???

yah, thats what im trying to imply.

with the 2 attached photos, i could say that i had my glow up, yass gurl. you sparkling, but thankfully i actually did grow up ;-)

and now im stuck in quarantine with all these pandemic lockdowns without knowing what to do next in school because all types of classes has been suspended and im so stupid i did not study the whole quarantine perios lawrd help.

lawrd help us to overcome this pandemic, uhuhuu, im so priviledged that i just sit here typing aggressively on my bed, in our house, with my family, with a month supply of food and there are people outside that cant actually quarantine themselves because, well they dont have a home,huhu, please help them make it through lord. please make the local leaders realize that they need extra help that those who are fortunate enough (uhm, the leaders themselves?) and also the politicians lord, local and national level CAN THEY NOT EXPLOIT THIS DISASTER FOR THEIR OWN GAINS oh lord please plesae please help the poor and make the rich realize their privileges. also give more power to those on on tyhe workfore, help tyhe medical experts and the volunyeers lord. heheheheheheh

and now it ended with a motherfucking prayer.\

-unproductive queen, young and sweet, stuck in quarantine

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survivorazores · 7 years

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Ep. 4 - “LOOKS LIKE I WAS BOO BOO THE FOOL”- Bryce

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163541972653/tribal-immunity-4

I'm so glad Toph got the idol. Looks like he didn't need it anyway, but still.

IM A FLOP. LOOKS LIKE I WAS BOO BOO THE FOOL.

so like wtf? idk what is happening or who i am or what survivor is or what an alliance is or if im in any or whos a rat and whos not???

FUCK YOU ESPIRITO IDOL AND FUCK YOU ALI TANVEER

FUCK. Ruthie is a snake and told me nothing. She told me Toph but then votes out Ray. She lied to me so she's going next tribal.

I mean, the person I was hoping would go, got booted sense I wasn't that big of a fan of him after Will telling us he was rude. So that's a Ray of sunshine on my life. Toph misplacing the idol is funny now I just wanna know who gave it to him.

Well that tribal was... interesting... So first of all, Toph asked the entire tribe to help him find the idol. Then he exposes Nayeli for having it (which she admits to our Icons alliance). So Emily and I are like, Toph, WYD??? At this point, we wouldn't be sad if he left. This kid blowing up our games. So Toph goes to tribal and I'm fully expecting him to be voted out. And he pulls out an idol. And I was like, Oh... Nayeli gave it to him. Nice. BUT THEN we find out its the Espirito Idol. What???? Who on that tribe would make such a bold move? So anyway, Toph is safe bc of the idol, and Ray goes home. Which isn't a big loss, but it leaves both Ashley and Ricky in the game. Hopefully we can win this challenge I won't have to worry about them for another round. Speaking of the challenge, its the damn tasks challenge, and I AM NOT HERE FOR THIS. I feel like after this challenge, we are gonna swap, which.... ugly... but its gonna happen. I do not want Salao to go into a swap down by two. So I'm HOPING and PRAYING we can pull this challenge out. Here goes nothing.

I'm safe but I honestly don't know if that's good or bad at this point. These people are seriously ugly. The game is just annoying and I really don't know if I want to be here. This isn't what I signed up for

The NFPs and I are truly Boo Boo the Fool right now. I'm shook. Now Amanda G wasted her idol, Toph has a bigger target on his back, and I'm closely connected with Toph. It puts a huge target on my back. And as for Bryce, Amanda G, and Raffy, they're in trouble of being accused of giving Toph an idol. But appartently Mo thinks it was Ashley. I hope they roll with that. I'm scared and feel very stupid right now but like IT'S FINE ANWBAKAN

The tea is Ruthie lied to me saying they were going to vote out Toph. Now an idol is wasted, our tribe knows someone gave Toph the idol, and I'm shook. Now I have to do damage control in the tribe to prevent my name from being spread around. Toph is also being targeted by his tribe as well from before tribal based on what Ashley told him. I'm shook.

First of all Toph, I don;t know who the fuck you think you are you little rat ass poodle ass bitch, but you ain't me, you ain't gonna drag me, my edges are still layed, and my wig is secure. this isnt my first rodeo honey, and I don;t give a fuck if this is your first game, I'm going to make sure you fucking suffer now, sweaty.

PEOPLE THROWING LETS NOT!

Honestly I thought I was going to bring the drama this season, but I have no idea what that CRACKEDT mess was

I'm fucked :)

Here's the tea: Rafael is getting on my last nerve, Toph needs to shut up with the fake lies and anyone who believes those lies is an idiot, Ashley and Ruthie literally deserve SO much better, Rafael is LITERALLY GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE, Ricky is my love and deserves SO MUCH BETTER, and I just wanna go the fuck off on these assholes because at this point y'all are just being mean, you're making this game stressful and hurtful for a lot of people and for what? Some drama? Some poorly applied reaction gifs? This is the first game I've played since I had a literal breakdown (unrelated to orgs) and walked from three games and it does NOT have to be this stressful it is too early for this. Anyways I'm done for now and if anyone of them wants to fight they know where to find me. Also I love my viewers and my fans y'all keep me alive xoxo

Sooooooo a bunch of drama went down and I'm not 100% sure what happened despite having read the chat. (It was going so fast that it was hard to keep everything straight) so where did Toph get that idol? I'll still stand by Toph's side even after the drama, but I might just keep him at arms length a bit so I don't harm any of my relations with anyone on Espirito. Also this challenge? God this panders to my habit of refreshing webpages in the hope that something relevant has been added in the three seconds since I last hit refresh.

I'm horrible in challenges. I also am Monica Padilla. I'm going to be awake all damn night and I hate my life??? But it's fine it's really fine I'm fine. I think Salao will win the challenge and Toph will be safe for at least twenty four more hours. Salao is full of comp queens. SO blessed.

when amanda told the tribe chat to not take the idol clue because they already know where the idol is i was like girl i get we're a tribe and we win immunity together but fuck that shit this is survivor not americas next top best friends im playing for myself i would love a second idol

this would be better if i could send the gif but i guess not

I'm really nervous about if we go to tribal. I know Ashley is likely going home, but anything can change.

Sculpted what does it mean??? Toph is saying sculpted but I dont think thats right. Also my alliance wants to throw to keep Toph safe but uh I don't want to go to tribal esp with all this sketchiness asfdjjjkjldasf. I won't be exposed!!! Also even tho will is a snake I cant help but want to work with him. Why am I like this??? I won't be stopping tho so hopefully he just stays loyal to me at least.

Emily is my true soulmate, this is iconic as fuck.

So finally scored a point still not wanting our tribe to lose so thats something! I just dont want to let our tribe down because i want me/mo/will/amanda/raf to all be in still so I CANT lose. Also this game is literally so much fun. Even when my plan flopped COMPLETELY I'm still happy.

I think Amanda G and I are soulmates? Yes. She roasts me all the time but it's a loving roast so it's fine. And I'm a roastable person. I hope that both Amanda G and I can make it far in this game and become an iconic showmance. I also trust her with my life honestly. We've become such good friends in the past forty-eight hours and it's truly amazing. I love her. I was also going to bed like two hours ago but she convinced me to do a puzzle of Aubry Bracco and stay up until four am. I need to sleep.

Holy fucking hell is this challenge exhausting! I need to win this challenge because if I don't my huge ass target on my back will send me home. That or my big ass cracked ego will. Fuck im more cracked then a broke vase on the ground. But i feel like death. The idol was wasted and i want to die.

Last tribal was crazy! Not only did Toph use the Espirito idol, but it was a misplay as they all voted out Ray. Ruthie told me they were going Toph so that;s why the idol was played. Now everyone knows Toph was given the Espiito idol. Not only that, but the group came up with a plan to frame Ricky, but then someone to Ricky that Toph was throwing him under the bus. So then, Toph and Ricky popping off on each other as Ricky and Toph pull out receipts (fake or not). I'm sitting here, in the alliance call, freaking out as everything is going to shit. Toph has a huge target on his back and everyone in Espirito is coming for each other. We (Amanda G, Bryce, and I) need to throw this challenge as if we send Salao to tribal, they will most definitely send Toph home. However, I do not want to go to tribal because I have a feeling people are blaming me for giving Toph the idol which is only half true. I don't know what is going to happen in tribal at all. I do plan on throwing, but that will be easy since Amanda Lynn and Francie are being comp beasts in this challenge. I'm shook that Ricky would even call out Toph in front of everyone. That was insane! Everything is crumbling, the game is a mess, and everyone is cracked. People who will call out others like that are dangerous to me, so hopefully I can rally the votes against him for tribal, but it seems unlikely. What is likely is to vote out Ashley or Ruthie which to me is the best plan. However, Will the Snake might flip on us and vote out one of our own: me. Ricky did tell me he sees me as the leader of the tribe so I guess I'm a target for people on the outs like Ashley. I have no idea where I stand with Ruthie, but either way I do not like it.

So we are like 13 hours deep into this tasks challenge, and Toph has literally stayed up all night, and I only slept like 5 hours and we've been going non-stop. According to Host Ali, Salao is like 400 points ahead of Espirito, which is great for us. I'm just.... REALLY hoping the hosts don't do something evil and offer an advantage for all our points.. Like I'm even afraid to type this in a confessional because I don't want the hosts to suddenly come up the idea because I will honestly cry if someone does that. Especially if it's someone like Michael or Gwen who haven't done anything besides lose us points. Ali also hasn't done anything but he's nice so I won't knock him for it. Ugh... PLEASE HOSTS DONT BE EVIL. Like really....

http://prntscr.com/g1tv2g http://prntscr.com/g1tvd3 Me revealing myself as the comp beast I was in Racc City, thus showing that I'm actually a threat, and probably first merge boot? Likely

"Bryce gets and loses 5 points for the alphabet one" Very much a me thing...

I SNUCK AN EGG INTO MY ROOM. So for the challenge, one of the tasks was to smash an egg on your head. SO I go to the kitchen to get a drink. My mom is cooking with my aunt. I stare at the egg in the fridge for a solid 30 seconds and my mom says to me if something is wrong. I say no, get my drink, and grab the egg. Scurrying to my room, I pass my sister who is making slime and I hide the egg successfully by holding it to my side. I go to the room, take the video, and wash my hair in the sink without any of them noticing. I am an icon!

Amanda Lynn, I love you my sweetie but I think you are playing way to hard, theres no way I'm going against Michael to vote off Nayeli, so please don't try that but I am happy people like me and trust me and I'm getting tea from every where so I think I'm playing a pretty good social game, so lets see how this turns out!

A mutiny opportunity is offered

https://azores-challenge.tumblr.com/post/163573948409/mutiny-points

With the lead Salão has, it's not worth it for anyone on our tribe to mutiny for an edge in the challenge. In the context of just this challenge, it's more beneficial to Espirito members to do so. If you mutiny from either tribe, it's going to screw up your relationships with those on your former tribe which could hurt you if you make merge. No way I'm mutinying.

Yeah I mutinied cause I'm already a target and I'm done with these crackd people I doubt I'll make jury so why not make interesting while I'm here

welp, so much for all I've said about forming an alliance w/Toph. if we both make merge it could happen but it's less likely since he mutinied. We have Abbey as part of our alliance so we have a solid four for the time being. Not a majority, but still a good foothold

THIS TASK CHALLENGE IS NUTS I CANNOT BELIEVE ABBEY JUST JUMPED SHIP AND MUTINIED TO MY TRIBE I AM OFFICIALLY PLAYING WITH ABBEY I CANNOT BELIEVE! If this ends up getting us targetted, I will feel so bad, but at least we can say we are playing together

BITCH! THIS IS THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MY GAME! HOLY FUCK! I MEAN I TRIED SO HARD FOR MY TRIBE TO NOT GO TO TRIBAL BUT IM GOING TO TRIBAL STILL WITH ACTUAL FRIENDS. THEY MIGHT THINK IM THE EASY VOTE BUT THEY GONNA BE SHOOK

My whole NFPs alliance wanted me to switch but I knew I shouldn't because I couldn't break the bonds I have with Amanda Lynn, Ali T, and Francie. I was also roped into an all girls alliance with Abbey, Amanda Lynn, and Francie now that Abbey has mutinied!! This is super great for my game. I'm also so happy Toph mutinied. This is so good for his game and he has a majority on that tribe to keep him safe for a little bit longer. I'm happy! Though I'm very emo I'm not on the tribe with all of my NFP friends. But it's okay! We're all in good positions and I can get information (should I choose to share it) for my core alliance. I'm so excited about this but it was truly messy and I'm scared a little but IT'S OKAY?????

egg Update: My dad saw the egg stains on my face and proceeded to ask me what they were. So I had to lie and say I had no idea. I washed t off my face and continued on my merry way. Also this mutiny worked in my favor. I'm so happy. Toph is on our tribe and Amanda/Abbey gone, that is 8 people in the tribe. Now me, Amanda, Bryce, and Toph are one side having majority. I live for this! Now we have the majority and it is amazing. I love a winner!

The Salao tribe wins immunity.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163574932908/results-4

Whew a safe evening of no tribal. Maybe I can unwind a bit and get an actual alliance that can stick for once. Plus without Ruthie I'm no longer able to work with her even tho we weren't working together but now it's obvious to everyone

I am so happy that Toph is now on our tribe. We have majority now and it feels great. We'll also be able to get Will out soon and I'm pumped for it!

nksjfnskenf that toph and Ricky fight was STAGED AF. Please. Why else would toph flip over to the "enemies" side. PLEASE get acting lessons

I'm thinking this tribal will be pretty easy, I'm not getting any blood on my hands. I even gave Toph an idol and no one has come to me about it. I think I'm smooth sailing for now :)

Ashley Sarah: should I mutiny? I'm gonna mutiny Me: wait, I'll come with you. RIP RIP RIP. Raffy must think I'm stupid if he thinks I don't know he gave toph that idol

Sadly we lost the challenge, I take some blame because I didn't help as much as some of the others. But this mutiny thing is pretty spicy. I think it's either Ricky or Toph who's going home tomorrow considering Ricky straight up left the challenge and Toph has been a target sense last tribal. I want ice cream.

ok so wow. my tribe was getting destroyed in the challenge and i was ok with it bc i wanted raf gone. but anyway i jumped ship to be with my one true love amanda! shes got a solid all female alliance and im living for that concept. will isnt mad at me so i think if we swap together/ make merge we can work together. ricky is pissed but im not worried about it, our friendship isnt going to be affected by this bc were both adults. im hype to FINALLY PLAY WITH AMANDA

So, Toph switched. This is amazing! With Abbey and Ashley also switching, that point NFPs in the half majority of 8 (4 people). The plan is to take out Will come tribal. The alliance will vote out Will, and then he will be gone. To do that we either need one more vote or the votes to be spread among the other 4. Mo wants Ricky out from what he's told me. We are thinking of claiming Will of targeting Ricky/Ruthie. Then they will go vote him out too. Or I can get Ricky to vote out Mo and Mo to vote out Ricky, giving us the majority. Everything is going to plan Mo told me that I was one of the power players along with Amandas (both), Will, and Bryce. I'm so shook by that. With that, he may betray me, but for now I trust him. He doesn't seem like the type to orchestrate a blindside. Keep him pocket.

I'm really nervous about the other tribe and them keeping Amanda Lynn around. She's a comp threat and I'm really scared for her to be in merge.

ok I was at work literally all day, I come back and everything (big surprise) is a fucking MESS again like I'm glad Ashley and Abbey took the chance to mutiny and save themselves because even though it may screw us over right now at least it gives them both a chance to survive (and they'll be allies on the other side when we merge). I'm worried for Ricky's chances right now because (big surprise part 2) everyone wants to target him again for no reason and it's like just tiring. And Ricky even said that I shouldn't let him ruin my game and said I should do whatever I have to and it makes me so upset because I don't want to be in this position and he shouldn't be in this position either!!! These freaks won't even give me a second to breathe like here for example [7/29/17, 8:59:17 PM] (redacted): Hi Will [7/29/17, 8:59:39 PM] (redacted): So who should we target for tribal? [7/29/17, 8:59:44 PM] (redacted): I'm down for any idea I LOGGED ON AFTER AN 11 HOUR WORK DAY AND THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU SAY TO ME? SERIOUSLY? Like I am SORRY for yelling but give me a fucking break let me live let me breathe let me send your sorry ass home because like... if anything I'm gonna do whatever it takes to win this game. I don't want to have to abandon Ricky or backstab him. I really don't want to and I am praying these freaks won't back me into a corner where I have to. But I'm gonna do this shit and y'all are gonna see. I'm not here for the drama, the fuckery, the buffoonery. Anyways I'm tired and I'm gonna make a sandwich y'all... this game is a mess (but it's not the hosts fault I love Ali and Jay so much)

guess whos got two new alliances! Amanda has graced me with a solid majority alliance on salao! Ive got Gal Pals which is Me, Amanda, Emily and Francie with Ali as Amandas other close ally who will be a number for us. We also set up an alliance with Amanda, AshleySarah and I. I want to keep Ashley close because shes the only other person on this new tribe who knows my history, and specifically my history with Amanda. If she wants to blow up my game she could so easily. Espirito is a mess, glad I jumped off that sinking ship! Will is still solid with me, we both really trust each other so thats good. Ricky is in big time trouble, the newbie alliance wants him gone bc of the Toph drama which is bullshit since Toph was the one who caused it and TOPH IS ON THAT TRIBE NOW VOTE OUT TOPH. Will is telling me that theyre hammering home the "Ricky doesnt help in challenges" shit which is garbage bc yall lost by like 500 points in this challenge! Losing is a team effort, one person doesnt lose a tribal challenge!!!!! :)))))) Anyway, if what Will is telling me is true Ricky, Ruthie and Toph will go next in no particular order if Espirito goes to tribal that many times b4 a swap/merge. Over here Gwen, Michael and Nayeli are the odd ones out which is bananas since me and Ashley literally just mutinied over here. What kinda flop gameplay is that cmon yall step it up!

this is what i'm dealing with rn, i've been off work for less than 30 minutes and i'm getting bombarded by an alliance i didn't even know i was gonna be added to i'm... so close to the edge lol [7/29/17, 9:12:21 PM] Will: sorry i just like [7/29/17, 9:12:25 PM] Will: need a few minutes [7/29/17, 9:12:39 PM] Will: i’ve been standing up for basically 11 hours straight [7/29/17, 9:13:48 PM] (redacted): Lmao [7/29/17, 9:14:17 PM] Will: did you guys have any thoughts or ideas [7/29/17, 9:14:19 PM] (redacted): But who should we go for [7/29/17, 9:14:24 PM] (redacted): I don't know [7/29/17, 9:14:32 PM] (redacted): I'll go with anyone

The kitty cat found the rat, all it took was fake trust.

THE DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. So Mo wants Ricky out and put it in the tribe. However, Will wants Toph out. Then, Mo and Will m started fighting with me in it a little bit. I was shook. Will just painted a huge target on his back with Mo. Then, Toph told Mo that Will gave him the idol and Mo messaged me about it. Now Mo not only wants Ricky gone (my target) but also Will (my second target). I'm shook. I'm sad the hosts missed this

BY THE FUCKING WAY IF I HAVENT SAID IT IN A WHILE FUCK ALI TANVEER

I'm listening to Amanda G, Rafael, and Bryce's plan to vote out Ricky/Will unfold while on call. This is truly something. I'm very lost but it seems like Mo is going crazy. And Will is messaging me telling me they're being mean to Ricky/him. I'm so confused??? I don't know what happening and I'm in this call. I think I'll just wait until tribal to figure it all out. In other news, no one suspects Amanda of giving Toph the idol. Mo thinks it's Will. The NFPs are rolling with it. I'm so confused I can't even write a proper confessional. Maybe when I'm not on call I can focus. I can't do two things at the same time. I'm sorry.

A little late but my alliance now is doing good with majority on our tribe. The suggestion to even get out Will is so baffling and tried to put a stop to that ASAP. Like why get rid of someone who is better at challenges and who I like talking to over someone who I never talk to. We really need to start winning challenges and I need to try taking advantage of One World more and get in with Nayeli/Michael since she has the idol. My alliance is good but I feel at times gets a little too bold in our views. I also need to watch for Emily to not snake us. I don't think she would but her decision to not mutiny even tho I think it was the correct music, is unsettling. That's a time where she can think clearly but when the alliance suggests doing stuff that is as equally as crazy she doesn't speak up? I'll just watch out because I really like Emily! Buy Nervous System on Itunes.

I'm so tired of this tribe and this alliance, if you want to vote Ricky out like just say it we don't need to do the mental gymnastics like Mo doesn't speak about the game besides "I'm worried about going home" for days and then suddenly strings together this "compelling" argument to vote Ricky out that Raf is clearly more excited about than when someone suggested Toph like... if y'all are gonna be conspiring at least try to make it a little less obvious? Why do y'all hate Ricky so much when he didn't do anything to you? Like every justification for voting out Ricky has a hole poked in it like "he left the challenge chat" [7/29/17, 12:20:04 AM] Rafael Hernandez: I'm leaving [7/29/17, 12:20:06 AM] Ricky 🦄: Ricky 🦄 has left the conversation [7/29/17, 12:20:11 AM] Jay Bee (Azores Host and Athena Series Admin): Ricky gets the points [7/29/17, 12:20:29 AM] Jay Bee (Azores Host and Athena Series Admin): Rafael loses 5 points for his tribe. bloop what's your next point? that was the fucking task so... you're wrong! Anyways I'm gonna go take a nice cleansing shower but.. these people are dumb I'm so tired of it get me off this tribe.

Will has talked about his reasons for keeping Ricky, and he's right. Ricky was ganged up on for the idol lie, but that was strategic, not personal. However, I do understand how Ricky could take all of this personally, but knowing the things I know, it's not. I have my roots in almost everyone in my tribe except Ricky and Will, so point blank is that they need to go. That's it. I hope if either of you are reading this in the future, that's the real reason I want Ricky gone. I'm sorry about the way this has turned out for Ricky, but that's the game and I'm sorry.

the tea is I liked it better when toph was on the other tribe and emily's problem HDSJKSHDKFJ. It is so frightening thinking he could pop off at any moment

OK BITCHS BUCKLE THE FUCK UP BECAUSE IM TAKING YOU FOR A RIDE! THIS MOTHERFUCKER RICKY IS A SLUT FOR MY NAME BECAUSE HE CANT GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH! I AM JUST TRYING TO LAY LOW WITH MY ALLIANCE THIS WEEK AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER CAN NOT STOP BRING MY NAME UP! NOW TO MY OLD TRIBE? OH HUNTY BOO BOO! GET ME MY GOO GOO JUICE AND LETS WHOPPY GOLBURG YOUR ASS HOME THIS WEEK!

Hey huntys! You're least favorite player and worst messy bitch is here! Oh lordy Jesus better send a flash of lightning down on rickys fake ass when he walks the hell out of here tonight! I honestly am happy to see him go home. I did get caught in a lie but that fake ass mofo could have done it in private. This fake ass hoe Amanda L could not be any more suspicious with abbey. Like hunty someone spilled the tea to me a out you too in kahoots together. Oh sit on a pincone and shove a bottle of tartar sauce down my throat because if these fake ass people told be the truth I wont be so fishy all the time.

Whoppy goldberg my ass Whoppi goldberg my ass

Toph always goes off at the wrong time and I feel like I can't control him. I need to make sure he doesn't go off. Also, he's being MEAN! I don't like it! He is so mean to Ricky for exposing him. And he deserved to be called out! Whatever. Honestly, I'll keep him around because he gives me information and wants to take me far, but I do not trust him and I will not give him very much information. Honestly I'm starting to think Rafael is dangerous to be working with too. I'm very worried. I trust Amanda G and Bryce in the NFPs, but Toph and Rafael are all over the place. I do not want to be connected with either of them anymore. Ahhhhh Amanda Lynn, Abbey, Francie, and I have bonded and I really like our alliance! If NFPs falls apart, I have the Gal Pals to rely on. I have to go so I will confess more later. Goodbye!

My iconic queen ruthie! My cracked queen ruthie. My one true love. This queen bitch over here slaying the game asking the tribe if shes the target! Like what a true iconic moment. Like ruthie can be a true Disney queen. Like i love her so much and i will not be voting against her.

Bitchhh this game is so crazy like i want to expose so many fake people right now. Lookig at you Amanda L, nayeli, will. Like Amanda L is such a snake in the grass shes like has such a strong social game it's sickening. Nayeli hunty we know you have the idol boo! Like hunty out here with it. My best guess is gwen, nayeli and micheal are working together, francie, Amanda L, abbey, and Emily. With Ashley and ali on the outs.

If we ever go to a tribal is going to be messy, so Amanda comes up to me she wants out either Nayeli or Gwen out which I'm not okay with because I don't wanna go against michale and them, and Michael came up to me today telling me that Amanda and abbey are a final Two deal and I'm like QAADIR HOWARD VOICE "are you kidding me, these people are messy" so I wanna get out abbey the next tribal so Amanda can be close with me so! Catch the tea on that (tea) also ali daddy feel better

I just got home from Orlando and now I'm getting semi nervous for tonight! I think the vote is going to be toph or Ricky though and I hope I can really trust will, we'll see! I may not be as wild this tribal, I'm trying to lay low but not too low and I may try to be around for the next call and use my southern charm to talk to these people. I hope we have enough people to get toph out because Will thinks that Raf is the one that gave toph the idol too, so we'll see, I'm so nervous for tonight!

WHY THE FUCK IS THE MOTHERFUCKER HAVE MY NAME STILL IN HIS MOUTH! LIKE MICHEAL YOU ARE ON THE OTHER TRIBE YOU AND YOUR FAKE ASS! LIKE FUCK OFF YOU LITTLE SNAKY ASS BITCH! RICKY OUT HERE BEING MY TRUE DADDY HELPING ME OUT. MEANWHILE THESE FAKE ASS HOES BEING LITTLE GREMLINS LYING ABOUT SHIT. LIKE I CANT STAND THIS MOTHERFUCKER ANYMORE MICHEAL YOU ARE GETTING EXPOSED SOON HUNTY.

Ricky has been messaging me today, and I am shook. He has been telling me to target Toph because Toph is snake, but that is not the way I'm going. Ricky has also been talking to Michael apparently, and Michael knows that Ricky is the target. My bet is that he has been talking to Will and Will told him that Michael is the target. So, Michael is also a snake. Emily needs to get him out when she goes to tribal. Also, Michael said that Toph followed then unfollowed Emily to Ricky which is not true (the unfollowing part). The plan is still to get Ricky out, but the information being spread around will be useful later.

I can't tell if I'm being guilt tripped or not.

OH FUCK MICHEAL! THIS MOTHERFUCKING BERY BENSON LOOKING ASS HOE! LIKE KEEP MY NAME OUT YOUR FLIPPY FLOPPY MOUTH LIKE YOU FAKE ASS MOUNTAIN POTS AND PAN HOE. LIKE YOU AND NAYELI ARE LIKE A FUCKING BURT AND ERNIE LOOKING ASS COUPLE. http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2015/10/?m=1

lakshdhajdjdhs Toph just messaged me saying "what's up old tribe mate" like buddy,,,I'm not gonna take too kindly to you given that you mutinied. ik I said something about keeping him at arms length but still lowkey close before, but now? I don't really care what happens to him now. I'm not gonna be all buddy buddy with him especially if we both make merge. acquaintances. that's all

Toph has to start keeping his mouth shut otherwise I might have to distance myself from him to benefit my game. He's really funny and cool, but gamewise he's a really terrible ally that can blow up any minute now. Emily is scared now because since she's calling him out, he might expose her which is a very real possibility. Emily is my closest ally in this game and I really cannot risk her or me getting exposed.

I feel like I'm playing a good game, I feel like everyone likes me and trust me 😊 I feel like I'll be here for a while

At this point it's really just sad if people are gonna vote Ricky out because it's what Rafael wants like... that's so fucking dumb y'all are dumb and boring and need to stop listening to the munchkin who looked up my LinkedIn profile because he thought it would be funny to actually stalk and read out my social media information on call. Anyways....

And for my last hurrah. FUCK YOU Ali Tanveer.

anyways life complicated but practically I'm kinda excited that i got two new tribemates!! they seem fishy af bc i think they like amanda but whatever. also toph is a snake lol i hope he gets out first knowing how the other tribe is cracked like amanda said I'm going to assume they got along with him lol

This tribal :) is gonna be :) iconic :) get ready kids!

if i stay i'm literally choking

I need a drink

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163621601773/tribal-council-4-espirito

LAST WORDS: Well. I honestly just wanted to make it jury but i guess my time was cut short. Emily i love you so fucking much and i hope you win this game! I honestly had my hopes held high and they were crushed. Emily i love you and you better win this game!

Toph becomes the fourth person voted out of Survivor Athena: Azores

#imthegreatergood #episodes

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whybotheranyway-blog · 7 years

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“I could write an entire book about what I feel for you.”

11.41pm 24th of july,2017 Staring at the four corners of this room, its a gloomy night.i hate the smell and the feel of coldness.rainy season aint over yet.i despise this kind of weather.but the sun always peek every morning until 2 in the afternoon then the gloomy weather will start again,like it has his own alarm clock.Everybody loves when the rain pour down, me?i love watching the raindrops fall..rainy days hasnt always be a friend of mine, coz everytime the rain pours my system falls down..thats the perk of being a sickly human.i have no choice but to endure it. Staring blankly ahead just thinking about what happend late this afternoon..where did all the rants came from, i am like okay im fine to being a pissed off as hell real quick..thats the problem with me, my mood swings in a wink..and whatever pops out of my mind i naturally voice it out like theres no tomorrow..i have a difficulty in dealing with that kind of ways..the moment i started ranting to the moment im starting to realize that uh oh im crossing beyond the limit, i shouldve hold that..but its too late..the words already spilled out..so here i am again..blaming my stupid self because of what happened..i didnt get the chance to apologize..my bad i know..but what happened has already happened..the harm that has been done has been done..while staring blankly ahead i am beginning to realize everything..lemme count those realizations.. One I realized that i dont easily get jealous but what the eff is wrong with me now..maybe i just want some attention..or maybe i am just jealous, just the mere thought of it.im sorry i told you "malala akong magselos at minsanan lang yan." Two I just miss you, i know i miss you so bad.its been quite a while, we havent seen each other well, i was very happy last sunday, i am..but i think it just sinked in today, too many what ifs and why did i not do it.i still miss u terribly.i swear..im sorry for missing this much and im treating u like hell already..believe me, i just miss you. Three Im so hungry for you..im always hungry for you..i may not showing it literally but God knows how much i want to hug you tight to tightest, kiss you passionately and feel your warmth for a little more time.."sobrang bitin ata ako last sunday at bwesit bwesit ang sistema ko ngayun."im sorry for hurting you instead of letting you know how much i am wanting yo feel you more that day. Four Im so relax and you're too busy.but thank me please, i was almost on the peak of my anger but i did manage to control myself.Thanks to the list of books that ive been busy reading while you are doing your stuffs, until you are so done..hey dont you know that i miss every second,minute and hour that you are not around?in case you dont know you, i miss you during those times..it seems that i did not but the truth is im screaming inside..i am.. Five I love you with all my might..wheb i say with all my might, it means i will love you despite of all the petty quarrels,the misunderstanding, the deadma thingy,the rants and bad mouthing..i love you beyond words.i love you with all of your flaws..and i love you for who you whatever your attitude is..i am still and i am going to love you with all my might..whatever it takes.. Six Im sorry..redunduncy at its best but please wag ka mapagod.I repeat no relationship is always sunshine..we have to gi through this once in a while..its a part of the journey..for us to know how to handle things when it comes to its worst part..Parting is never a solution..Setting things out is..im sorry for always prolonging that argument.Mali na nman ang timing ko.nakalimutan ko na nman na your compre is fast approaching, im sorry it seems like i lost the track of time..you still have a lot of time in studying..i hope and i pray that everything will turn out right..i know you can do it..i am keeping my fingers crossed..Im sorry if icause you too much worry and inis..that would be the last, i will try my very best that that would be the last..the last argument that i will brought up.you mean so much to me,you know that..im sorry for everyhing that ive caused you..i just love you..kasi kng wala ka lang sa akin kahit pa anong gawin mo wala nman akong pakealam..kaso malaking parte ka ng buhay ko eh..kaya lahat ng ways mo ramdam ko..sana maintindihan mo..mahal kita higit kanino man..mahal na mahal kita.. Als

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survivorindia · 7 years

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Stop fucking flirting with me, I don’t think you’re that cute- Julia (Episode 7)

youtube

Well, I'm glad we won again because, surprise surprise, I've been sorta inactive! Woops.... And, I honestly can't wait for merge so I can be with Dom again!

Ok I'm making a newbie alliance and gonna throw next couple comps to make returnees in minority. Going into merge at 12 or 11 have newbie majority 7-5 We want an exciting season right? Up to F7 -> All Newbies Take all villains to f4 Take me out F4 Simples Probably take Lexi (Rubens girl)out at f8 Which is why Alex or Julia is going this round Jordan will get blindsided bc idol. Sarah's fucking fake and can't keep her fucking mouth shut Julia's mouth we already discussed where that's at.

So Dom told me he found the idol again but jokes on him, Sarah told me a day ago so oops I'm on to you Dom, sneaky sneaky. We won the challenge, it was basically me who did everything so i feel pretty good about it. Ashley is worried about the other tribe throwing comps to take out the returnees which is scary, idk if its true or not but its worrying. I feel like were swapping tonight and I am praying that Jaiden goes home tonight, like praying. Anyways thats it

Okay what the FUCK is happening. Idk if there is a split or if I'm being lied to. I'm pushing for Dom to go because he told me he has an idol and like, I think he's going to come for me later. I don't know what else to say. If I get voted out, then I'm at peace with myself. Robin has been manipulating this vote very well and I respect her immensely for doing so, but shit will go down tonight if I'm not careful. I'm trying to be careful. God.

So I'm pretty positive that the Returnees apparently have an alliance now. Everybody has been pretty blunt about that. Which is frustrating because I hate when people play the game like that. "Oh yeah, we've played before so lets work together duh duh duh" Like grow up! That's not how the game should be played. Whatever the case is, I'm making sure tonight's vote is for who I think is most willing to be apart of that group. So I'm stuck between Alex and Julia. I want to trust Alex, I really do. However I can't help think that he's with that group. And if he is, he's MUCH bigger of a threat than Julia. So it's a tough choice, but I think I know what needs to be done....

I've recieved votes at every tribal I've attended smh. I'd love to know to it was that actually voted me. In my mind I believe it's Sarah, but we won't know until the end! I honestly hope that I can make it to merge, or at least a swap, and still have allies. It's not easy being one of the only new kids left.

These are the sketchiest people I've ever had the pleasure of playing with istg

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It was clear Whitney was going home. The way that I see this game (which isn't very heroic of me lol), any paranoia where I know what caused the paranoia is good paranoia. Hopefully this vote makes people question who is really with who, disrupt the tribe hierarchy, and finally bring Liam closer to me b/c he can't trust anyone else... even tho I voted him. http://vocaroo.com/i/s0I9KmtgnLdi

I never made a confessional regarding the Johnny boot. So here's that one. My initial plan was to get Ruben to split the vote 3-3-2; 3 on Johnny, 3 on Jaiden, 2 on whoever those two vote. Then I'd get me/Jaiden/Johnny/Julia to vote for Dom and get him out with his idol. Then Ruben told Jaiden they weren't splitting the vote, so we tried to do a double split. Ruben was thinking I would be voting for Jaiden, and Johnny would be voting say Ruben, so they'd send a vote my way to get it to tie three ways and get me out 5-1-1-1 if the idol gets played. Then Johnny/I go back to vote out Dom so it's 4-3-1. Obviously none of that worked and Johnny got out because Jaiden decided to play both sides. I would have respected him if he just straight out voted Johnny or drew rocks with us. But he did worse by telling Dom to play his idol while still voting him out. So now Jaiden fucked up his chances with both groups by playing both sides horribly.

So now I have to play damage control. I take an hour to talk with Dom to apologize for voting him out, and he seems fine? But that's what's awful about it. He shouldn't be this passive about it but he is. I don't trust him as a human being solely because of the way he talks. Well, that and a few other reasons, but I have to go into this whole shit. Gavin wants to work with me to get out Jordan Pines's group. He's had this plan worked out and it seems great. The best part about it is that Gavin and I don't seem like we'd be a pair. We're on opposing tribes, and we haven't mentioned each other's name to anyone else. That was until today. We played a mini and apparently we talked with each other a bit too much? So Dom went to tell Sarah (which effectively tells Jordan Pines and Julia) that he wants to split up me and Gavin. So I'm extremely spooked about that. It's tearing me apart because Dom told me that we were on good terms but obviously not. And I even confronted him about it, he didn't deny saying my name but he did deny wanting me out. It's just confusing. The only reason I knew about Dom's idol was because of Gavin. But Dom is blaming Pines's group. Or at least I thought he was. But apparently Dom talks with them consistently despite the fact that they tried to get him out. It's baffling to me, I really don't understand it. ~~~~~~~~ We lost the challenge today, and I was the only one to work on it. We got a shit score and that is my fault, but what else could I do? They didn't wanna work. I thought they were throwing the challenge to get rid of me (and I still do). Jaiden wants to get out Dom and I don't see it happening. But I want to talk to Ruben about Dom's relationship with Pines, Sarah, Casey, Ashley, etc. Dom knows a lot of these people despite being a new player. He's really dangerous, and it's frightening to me that despite his claims of them working against him he's still working with them.

So I believe that I will be the one going home tonight. Trying to make things easy with a Jaiden vote to calm my nerves and then send me packing. I pray that's not what happens. I've had such a fun time in this game, to go out now right before a potential swap would be devastating. I'm trying to talk with people, I really am. But at most I can try and flip a vote towards Julia, otherwise Alex's journey is a really short one this time 'round, and it's disappointing. One last confessional before tribal! Jordan Pines may give me his idol so that's exciting. I'd play it on myself obviously. If he doesn't I have to rely on Ruben and Dom and that's frightening for me. I don't trust them a whole lot and just having the idol would be so much better.

Well, I haven't really been able to sit down and record anything for a while, mostly due to midterms and laziness. But since midterms are up and done, and Regan will murder us if we don't do jack, I guess I can inform you my lovely viewer of what has been up with yours truly. Well, swap was a thing and I got on a tribe with Ashley and Gavin. Everyone seemed willing to mend fences with me after Karen Gate but still... I don't really trust them. Gavin is clearly a lot smarter then I had given him credit for and Ashley is far more resourceful. Any heroes alliance that will be formed after this I will be clearly on the bottom of. So I really do need to expand my options. Speaking of expanding my options... let's talk about my new tribe. I haven't talked at all to Liam but I know someone is targeting him and I find that hilarious. Seriously who ever did that deserves a fucking medal, that was pretty brilliant. I wish I thought of it, though I would have voted for Jordan because he would likely have the most reaction out of it. You already know how I feel about Ashley and Gavin, love them but trust them as far as I can throw them. As for the newbie villains, I get along great with Lexi G. Literally I love her sense of humor and how open she is about her terrible social skills. She is definitely someone I want to work with. Wish she wasn't dead all the time though... I've barely talked to Casey but on the One World Call she seemed pretty okay. I'm not sure if there is a future in us working together but I wouldn't be against. I'm not really sure about their strategic abilities but Lexi seems to be more proactive, as she actively tried to communicate with me during the vote. Casey seems more laid-back. But we've only really had one vote, which was more of a glorified medivac tbh, I'm not sure if any information gathered is worth any salt. No on to the returnee villains, Sarah and Jordan. I have the unique distinction as a tumblr survivor player, to be someone who unironically likes Jordan Pines.I appreciate his intelligence and think he is really funny. In most mini games I've been in with him, I was able to work with him successfully. He showed me he had an idol so I think he trusts me as well. The problem is, he is close with Gavin. They played together before and while Jordan has made me aware of this, I'm worried that he would choose him over me if he is put in a situation to chose. I will not retaliate, not now anyway, but should come up with a back up alliance assuming he does do something stupid. I've played only one game with Sarah and we were never on the same tribe, so I don't really know how she functions. I am planning to go back through old confessionals she made in other games to get a better read on her. Still, I really like talking to her and I think she likes talking to me. She's really nice and plays along with my weird scenarios about murder and black magic. IDK I just want her to be around for along time. Not sure why...

So voting Whitney out was for the best, I hadn't even spoken a word to her so I mean it didn't really mess with any of my plans either way. My tribe is still really chill. Gavin and I are still tight, idk who he is talking to besides me but I trust that I am still his #1 just as he is mine. Jordan seems to want to try and make things work between us for this game, as things didnt go too well for us in the last game we played together. We are also semi working together in Sweden and I think he is really seeing he can trust me which is good. This challenge with the gifs is kind of tough, I am usually on mobile and sending and getting gifs is usually hard, so I am going to try and help as much as I can storywise, hopefully it will be enlugh for people to not want me gone if we lose. All in all I think I am in an okay place. I am also hoping Alex makes it to merge, cuz hopefully he can also still trust Gavin and I and be willing to work with us.

Okay so this was supposed to be an easy tribal. Lexi, Ruben, Dom, and I have an alliance chat. We had the majority but Dom had to go out and tell Alex everything we said. I don't understand why he would even do that. Alex voted for you last tribal Dom! Why are you suddenly trusting him?!?!?! Dom's not stupid I know that. There's probably some plot that I'm not aware of. I've seen he's very close to the returnees so that brings up suspicions for me. Alex said there is some kind of returnee pact but that he's not part of it. At this point I don't know what to believe. I told Ruben about it and I mentioned possibly changing the target to Dom. It would only make sense to change our votes now that the plan is out and an idol can potentially be played. Ruben insists that we keep our votes locked on Alex. I talked to lexi though and she doesn't agree. I honestly only trust lexi right now. I'm so paranoid. This stress is worse than my first tribal when the vote tied. Im exhausted!!

So i did not help out with the challenge because i was not around all day yesterday. The vote went from jaiden, to alex, and now to julia so thats a big ol mess. I could probably be targeted tonight but thats my own fault for literally not talking to anyone. Robin doesnt trust dom anymore as i really dont either since alex knew everything that was said in our alliance chat. I'm only trusting him for ruben sooo. I honestly trust robin the most. so i locked my vote fr julia. lets see how it goes

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause

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