only when you're high - rafe cameron
word count: 4.3k
summary: Rafe only ever talks to you when he's high, and you've eventually had enough.
warnings: angst i guess, language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, lil makeout sesh at the end
note: ik this isn't the request but i've been working on this for a while so here ya go <3 this is def not my best writing so dont judge it too harshly
3:53 a.m.
You had been dreaming about your cat taking over a world full of people with fish heads when the incessant ringing from your phone jolted you awake. You blindly flung your hand onto the nightstand, knocking over a half empty water bottle and a bottle of ibuprofen before your fingers grazed the cool screen. You picked up the device, nearly blinding yourself when you opened your eyes to see who was calling you at such an ungodly hour. Once your eyes adjusted to the screen’s brightness, the name ‘Stupid Kook’ was displayed across the top. You hesitantly swiped to answer.
“What in the flying fuck do you want,” You whisper yelled, propping your half-conscious body up with your elbow.
“Hey, baby,” He greeted, his voice dragging as if he was thinking too hard about his words. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”
You stopped breathing for a moment, not sure what you were supposed to say to his weird revelation. You had been having a weird thing with Rafe for a few months now. After many drinks, you would often finding yourself making out with him in a secluded area. Despite your random make out sessions, he had never once called you to simply hear your voice. In fact, he hadn’t even called you before. It was usually always a quick ‘wyd’ text at midnight and nothing more.
“That’s weird, you’ve never called me before,” You pointed out, “You’ve also never called me baby before, so what’s that about?”
“Mm, I don’t know. Always wanted to call you that before so why not? What are you up to, baby,” He asked, his words slurring together in a way that could only happen while under the influence.
“You’re high aren’t you,” You sighed. Of course, he was high. You should have known that from the get-go. Rafe Cameron wouldn’t have called you sober; he never even looked at you sober.
A brief silence hung over the line, Rafe’s heavy breathing being the only thing coming through the receiver. “Maybe a little. Had a rough day, so I went to see Barry and now I’m at Topper’s. Talking to you.”
You couldn’t help but let a small smile grace your features; a smile that was gone almost as soon as it came. You let your elbow fall from its position, your head falling back onto the pillow that was still warm from when you were asleep. “How sweet of you. What are you doing, anyways? Shouldn’t you be getting shitfaced and taking some innocent girl to bed?”
He let out an airy laugh before speaking. “The only one I’d like to take to bed is you, and we somehow always stop before it gets to that point. Anyways, it’s just me, Topper, and Kelce, and I started thinking about us in the back of my truck when we were outside. Before I knew what I was doing, you answered the phone.”
Your cheeks flared red as images of Rafe’s hands exploring your body flashed through your mind, the feeling of his ring on your skin igniting something inside of you. His mouth latching onto the sensitive spots of your neck as your moans filled his truck. You let your fingers ghost over your lips as if you could still feel his own on yours. More memories of him exploring your body in every way but the way you wanted him most were running through your mind. Every time you wanted to give in to him, give in to your urges, but you couldn’t.
“You know, I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you and I hate it,” He started, his words still slow, “I hate it because you’ll never let me have you.”
“Rafe,” You groaned, running a hand over your tired face, “I don’t really feel like giving myself to someone who only talks to me when they’re drunk or high. Someone who would rather be caught dead than with a pouge.”
“You know it’s not like that, baby. It’s complicated,” He tried, and you could tell there was a hint of unfamiliar panic in his voice.
“It always is. Guess I’ll see or talk to you next time you get fucked up. Goodnight Rafe,” You whispered before hanging up on the boy, ignoring his desperate protests.
1:38 a.m.
You turned the shower water off before stepping out onto the cool tiled floor, water dripping from every part of your body. You chose to ignore the buzzing coming from your phone, moving to grab the towel hung on the back of your bathroom door. However, the buzzing started again as you were drying off your legs.
“Who the fuck,” You groaned as you wrapped the towel around your still wet body. ‘Stupid Kook’ was making a second appearance, much to your surprise. “Yes, Rafe?”
“What’s up your ass,” He laughed his infectious laugh. You could picture him throwing his head back and his glazed over eyes twinkling with amusement, something you had only seen when you found yourself admiring him from afar.
“Nothings up my ass. Just don’t know what your high ass wants this time.” You gripped your phone in your hand and started to walk back towards your room. Your parents had fallen asleep hours ago, so you had to make sure you were quiet. However, that deemed difficult in the darkest hours of the night in your already poorly lit house. You bumped your hip and stubbed your toe on just about anything that was out in the open. Once you were in your room, you hastily shut the door and flipped the light switch on.
“Hello! Hello! Hello! Where are you,” Rafe yelled, making you wince and pull the phone away from your ear.
“Jesus, dude. Calm down, I was walking back to my room,” You chastised, doing your best to hold your phone in between your ear and shoulder.
“What were you doing? I missed you,” He pouted.
You ignored the swelling you got in your heart and said, “I was leaving the bathroom. I just finished showering. What are you doing?”
You grabbed a clean pair of underwear and a shirt you had taken from JJ after you had thrown up over whatever you were wearing that night. Rafe began telling you what he was doing, which was quite literally nothing. However, he quickly dove into a spout of how you were naked and wet and how badly he wanted to see you without any clothes on. Your cheeks were burning as he went on and on about all of the sinful things he wanted to do to you. You let him ramble on a bit more as you turned the light off once you were clothed and ready for bed.
“Okay, that’s enough, Rafe,” You stopped him, pulling your blanket back so you could crawl in bed. “So, calling me two times within a week? You falling in love with me?”
It was so painfully obvious that it was a joke, but you could practically feel the tension radiating through your phone from Rafe’s end. His abrupt silence concerned you because this boy was far from silent when he was doped out.
“Maybe I am,” He finally got out, and you couldn’t detect any sarcasm in it.
“Sure you are,” You rolled your eyes, blaming exhaustion for briefly clouding your judgment, “If you were in love with me, you’d actually talk to me when you aren’t too fucked to remember your own name.”
You started picking at a loose thread on your blanket as you let your mind wander to what life would be life if you had an actual relationship with Rafe. Going to parties with him. Hanging around the Island Club with him and his friends. Him doing lines off your body before having his way with you.
“I will talk to you when I’m not high,” His voice broke you from your thoughts, “If that’s what you really want.”
“I do,” You said way too quickly, “I mean, yeah sure. That would be nice, I guess.”
“Just text me and I’ll answer.” You couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped your lips, but you did try and hide it from Rafe. Your attempt was no good, though. “You’re tired, go to bed.”
“No, I’m fi-.”
“Goodnight, Y/N,” Rafe shouted over you, “Talk to you soon, baby.”
Rafe’s name popped up on your phone screen every few days after he had gotten drunk out of his mind or too high to do anything other than find your contact. You didn’t mind it at first, but after you had texted him during the day and those messages went unanswered, you grew hurt and annoyed. You had tried asking him why he wouldn’t respond, but he always found a way to change the subject. You wanted to ask him about it in person, but you hadn’t seen him in almost a month. You wanted to ask him why he couldn’t bother to pick up the phone when he was sober, but wasted no time in calling you as soon as he got his bump in.
One of the nights he called, you offered to have him come over because your parents were gone, but he said no. Made up some excuse about how he was staying with Topper for a while since Sarah cheated on him and he wanted to be there for his friend. You understood that, so you didn’t push him after that. Then, the next time you told him about a party everyone was going to and how you wanted to see him there. You even told him to bring the other two. That time he told you he was staying away from parties for a while, wanting to stay to himself for the most part due to the constant stress from his dad. You knew how Ward could be sometimes, so it wasn’t hard to believe him and move on from there.
You wanted to be mad to him for only acknowledging you when he was high, but you couldn’t be. You’ve always wanted to feel wanted by somebody, and he made you feel like that albeit only when he was far gone from reality. You could deal with it as long as you got to talk to him, no matter how insecure it made you. Well, you thought you could.
2:25
Your parents were gone for the night, so you opted to watch Marvel movies in the living room. You were so invested in watching Iron Man and shoving popcorn in your mouth that you didn’t feel your phone go off the first six times. Or the fifteen times after that. Not that you would have cared either way. You knew the only person it could be was the boy who never wanted you sober. The credits began rolling across the TV, so you finally decided to pick up your discarded phone. You were shocked to see Rafe had called you eight times and texted you thirteen. Overall, his texts said the same thing.
Why aren’t u answering me :(
Call me pls
I wanna talk to you baby
It was if he knew you were finally looking at your phone because his contact popped up not ten seconds later. You rolled your eyes, but reluctantly answered.
“Y/N! Where have you been,” He whined into the receiver, “I’ve been trying to call you for like two hours.”
“Watching movies,” Your words were sharp and short, not particularly wanting to talk to him right now. You’ve nearly reached your breaking point with him.
Rafe could immediately tell something was off with you by the way you sounded. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”
You took a deep breath in, setting your bowl of popcorn on the coffee table after you paused the end credit scene. You leaned forwards and planted your elbow on your knee as you held your head in annoyance.
“I’m fine, Rafe. I’m just getting fed up with you only wanting to talk to me when you’re high or drunk,” You started, “I used to be fine with it because it once every couple of weeks, but now it’s almost every day and it’s annoying. You told me to text you when you’re sober, and I did, but you never responded. I try and offer to come over to you or have you come to me, but you always have an excuse. I know you want to be there for Topper and you don’t really want to be around anyone right now, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.”
“Y/N, I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just-It’s complicated. Please understand that,” He was practically begging you to listen to him.
“Rafey, are you coming back to play beer pong with us,” A female voice suddenly cut through the sudden sound of music.
Your breathing stopped and your heart felt like it was being squeezed by Rafe’s own hand. A wave of heartbreak crashed over your entire body. “‘I just don’t want to be around anyone’ huh? Thought you were just spending time with Topper for a while? You know, if you didn’t want to see me, all you had to do was say so,” You whimpered, hurt now mixing with your anger and annoyance.
“No, wait,” He tried, yelling at whoever came in the room to get out, “Y/N, please. It isn’t lik-“
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. It is like that, Rafe. It is exactly like that. You don’t want to see me, and that is fine. I get it. Why would you ever want to be seen with someone from the Cut? It doesn’t matter, though. Don’t call me anymore. You lied to me. That is not something that I can forgive,” Your tears were too strong to hold back now, “I don’t care for liars, Rafe Cameron, and you’re the biggest one of all.”
You quickly hung up and turned off your phone, throwing it towards the end of the couch so you weren’t tempted to grab it. You grabbed the large blanket from the back of the couch, picked another movie, and let your tears fall as it played in front of you.
“Honey,” Your moms gentle voice broke through, “You fell asleep on the couch.”
You slowly opened your eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light shining through the giant window. The headache hit you like a ton of brinks, causing you to squeeze your eyes shut in pain. Your mom was hovering over you, her hand on your shoulder and her soft eyes pretending to not notice how puffy your cheeks and red your eyes are.
“I guess so,” You mumbled, pushing yourself up into a sitting position, “I’ll go lay down in my room. I’m still tired.”
She gave you an understanding nod with a caring smile and helped you off the couch. Her hand lingered on your back as if she wanted to say something to you, but she decided to leave it alone for now. You would talk to her when you were ready, if you ever were. You gave her a thumbs up when she told you her and your father would be out again most of the day.
Your feet dragged as you stumbled back to your room, using the wall to keep you steady. You pushed the door open with your foot and gave your cat, who was laying on your bed as if she owned it, a stupid smile. You fell onto the bed and pulled her onto your chest as you turned your phone back on. You were scared to confront the actions from last night, but knowing Rafe, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to even send you a text about it. You were quickly proven wrong the moment your phone turned back on. The vibration from all of the texts, voicemails, and snapchats felt like it lasted for five straight minutes. Nearly all were from the boy you wanted nothing to do with. Although, you noticed a voicemail from Topper, who you forgot even had your number.
Um, hey its Topper. Look dude, I don’t know what happened, but Rafe is freaking out like a bitch right now. He keeps mumbling shit about how he fucked things up with, which I didn’t even know you two were a thing but whatever I don’t really care. He kicked everyone out of my house and has been calling and texting you for like thirty minutes straight now so please call him back, so he shuts the fuck up. If not for him, do it for my sanity before I kill him. Uh, yeah, thanks, bye.
You sighed deeply after the voicemail cut off, your heart rate increasing at the thought of Rafe being upset. If he was bad enough that Topper of all people called you, you knew it was bad. You wanted to not care because of how he made you feel, but you did. You’ve always cared about the blond boy more than you cared to admit. You finally decided to look at the messages he sent you.
Y/N pls call me back
I’m sorry its not what it looks like and I know that sounds stupid but its true
Pls talk to me. I need u to talk to me
I promise that I never wanted to hurt u ok???
I love you, Y/N. Please call me or I’m coming to your house tomorrow.
The world stopped spinning when you read the last message. You kept reading it over and over again as if you misread it the first time. Rafe had never been any kind of affectionate with you until he called you baby. Rafe Cameron was not someone known to get emotional, so you weren’t sure if you believed his words. He was a liar and would do anything to get what he wanted, so what was different now?
You heard a knock on the door followed by your moms muffled voice, but you were too focused on the situation in front of you to notice who it was. Your eyes were glued to the screen, staring at the three words you never thought anyone other than your family and friends would say to you. The world around you was fading away, your heart feeling as if it was going to beat out of your chest as tears slid down your still puffy cheeks. You weren’t going to let him do this to you. You weren’t going to let him toy with you anymore.
“Y/N,” A deep voice dragged you out of your subconscious.
Your eyes darted over to the door and saw the last person you wanted to see. Rafe was standing there, his eyes wide and blood shot and he looked like total shit. His hair was a wild mess, nothing like its usual tamed state. You met his gaze and you wished you hadn’t. One look from him and you were puddy in his hands. One look and every thought you had about never seeing him again flew out the window.
“Hey, can we talk,” He mumbled, his bright blue eyes looking everywhere but at you. “Please.”
Not trusting your words, you gave him a swift nod and gestured to the spot next to you on your bed. You leaned to the side and placed your cat on the ground, watching as she rubbed herself all over Rafe’s leg before scampering away. His walk to your bed was painfully slow, and you wanted to tell him to hurry up, but you knew that was unreasonable.
“What do you want, Rafe,” Your voice was harsh, trying to ignore the urge to reach out to him. “What do you want to talk about? How you only use me for your own pleasure? How you only ever even look at me when you’re drunk or high? How you lied to me? Wanna talk about that?”
Your anger surprised even yourself. One second you wanted to hold him in your arms and comfort him, but then the memory of how he treated you came back and flipped a switch in your brain. You don’t know how you feel and you hate it.
“I deserve every bit of your anger,” He breathed out, letting his hand fall dangerously close to your own, “But please let me explain everything to you, okay?”
“Fine,” You gave in, “Talk.”
“Yeah, thank you, okay. I really do want to talk to you when I’m not absolutely fucked, I do. I know that it doesn’t seem like that, but its true. I just, I can’t. Every time I look at you, think about you, I hear my dads voice screaming at me that I will never be good enough for anyone. I have this thought drilled into my head every day that no matter what I do, who I am, I am just never enough. To me, you’re no exception to that. In fact, you remind me even more. Wait no.”
Rafe rubbed both of his hands over his face and tugged at his hair, afraid that he’s already fucking this up. “Rafe,” You gently spoke up, turning to grab his hands from his face. “It’s fine. Keep going.”
His eyes met yours and you could see how strained he was. There were too many emotions swirling in his eyes for you to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling. “Okay, um, okay. To me, you are way too good for me, so the only time I feel comfortable talking to you is when I’m high. I’ve never had trouble talking to any girl before, but you’re more than that to me. You’re more than just some girl to me and it scares me, so I feel like I have to be, yanno, not me. When I talk to you. I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted to be with someone in my life”
Your hand was still holding his as you let his words sink in. Him revealing how his dad truly made him feel made your heart ache for him. It made you want to grab him by the face and tell him how he is more than good enough. You wanted to let him in, but you weren’t sure if you were ready for the risk that came along with it. You’re not sure if you want all the things that came with being with Rafe Cameron. He’s followed by hurt and lies, and you do feel guilty thinking that, but it’s been proven true countless times.
“Rafe, listen to me,” You began, moving so you were straddling him and holding his face in your hands. His hands immediately came to grip your hips, and you are well aware that this was a more than compromising situation. “I understand that your father is probably the worst person we both know, but that doesn’t excuse you lying to me. I don’t know if I can trust you, no matter how much I may want to.”
You watched as tears gather in his eyes, and he was doing his best to keep them at bay. He had never felt the way he feels about you before, and he’s more than aware that his reputation precedes him. He knows that he’s done nothing more than prove how untrusting he is to you, but he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying to prove to you that he means what he’s saying.
“I know that nothing I say will fix what I’ve already done. I know that, but I can show you just how much you mean to me, if you’ll let me. We can go at your pace. Do things your way. Just, please, give me another chance to prove myself to you.”
You’re searching for any detection of a lie in his eyes, in his voice, but you come up empty. You wipe away the stray tears that broke through his wall of protection. You hesitantly placed your forehead on his, and you could hear him take in a sharp breath at the connection. Your eyes fluttered closed, your nose brushing against his as you weighed all of your options.
“Did you mean what you to me? In your last text,” You whispered, too scared to open your eyes and look at him. “Do you actually love me?”
“More than you know,” His breath was hot against your chin, and he pulled you closer into him.
You decided to take a leap, dive into something that scared you more than anything. Your lips finally met his, and Rafe wasted no time in returning the feeling. Your hands fell from his cheeks and clasped each other behind his neck, while his hands stayed placed on your hips, too scared to push you too far. You deepened the passion filled kiss by pulling him closer to you and running your tongue across his bottom lip. Rafe’s lips moved in such a sensual way that you almost didn’t know how to react. It was much different from the lust filled kisses you’ve shared in the past. You started moving your hips on top of him, an action that had him gripping your hips tighter than before.
Y/N,” Rafe breathed out after he broke away from you, “If you don’t stop, I don’t know if I can control myself.”
“Then don’t.”
i have not edited this so if you see a mistake lmk. love u
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Finally finished
I finally finished the longest seams on each of my three privacy curtains. The reason it's three, which is admittedly a weird number for curtains, is that the fabric folded over for a double-sided curtain, and then cut into three, with the length that I purchased, happened to fit the space I was trying to block off with something pretty, horizontally as well as vertically. I figured with the fabric doubled over, I could also fit in batting or reflectix. Or both, I suppose. Of course, I planned my privacy curtain before it got so cold that I needed a heater and settled on a propane heater, and then decided that the best place for the heater was between the chairs. But I suppose it's not much of a stretch to move the heater forward in front of the curtain.
I have to fix the glitter, or else it will just keep falling off. And it will fall off all over the inside of my van. It will get stuck in the flooring and I will find it long after I've gotten new curtains. I have clear sealant, so I'm very much considering using it on the fabric.
I have the next set of curtains I need to work on with me, the filler curtains for the lower level. I'm not sure if I should stick with the same pattern for the out-facing curtains for the loft, but whatever material I choose, I'm going to need a lot, especially for the hatch door, which is just a giant window. The best solution I have for the outer curtains, which will protect my space from prying eyes when I'm not home, or sleeping, somewhere I may not be 100% welcome, is to use a curtain at the top and bottom of the windows. Right now, the curtains hang away from the windows. I'm considering straightup crafting some replacement window frames from spray foam, because it would insulate the current metal window frames. Additionally, it would be an accessible option for me to build nice frames I could hang tension rods into.
I mean, I've already slated new trim for my van, since what remains of the original trim is hollow, and one of the missing pieces of trim was replaced by copious patterned duct tape. It would just be really healthy for my peace of mind if my steps were blocked when the doors are closed.
Once my dad had a pile of lumber, a charged drill, and a couple boxes of screws, it was like when you give me a pound of polyclay, some of my favorite tools, and a stable work surface. It was playtime. I should've done this the second the van was stripped out. Loud noises may stress me out, but my dad lives for these big projects. Unfortunately, he's not motivated for or by his own needs. So his own projects will rot while he fulfills others' needs. He seemed eager to come back tomorrow, even if he only wanted to swing by briefly to affix the ply. Too bad, but he needs to clean up his rabbits. I can't help with that at all.
It looks like he's motivated now...... sort of. We've got the shell up, we've got the lumber and fixings in order, for the most part. He should finish putting the sides together yet this week. I've decided to cool my heels and wait on him. He can't ditch the place he's renting if I've got nowhere to go because of his slackery--I've been fighting tooth and nail.
Like I've said, I've got p l l e e e n n n t t y y y y y of things to do--I just finished the second of four pairs of primary curtains, the functional curtains. I could get some work done yet on my futon mattress, which is going to have to be custom, so who better to design and execute? I've barely put any thought to my desk. I've mostly been waiting to see how the space comes together. But right away, I have the numbers to put my wardrobe together. I have a few ideas about that I can play with.
Additionally, it looks like I fucked up measuring, so maybe somebody take away my tape measure. The frame is being built entirely around the shell, but the shell is significantly shorter than the space that I actually have to cover, which will mean another project, but also tons of space to play with if I carry on the plan to put the tank up. We/I are/am going to have to figure out how to save this or else I'll have a beam in my forehead regularly......In the unlikely event that my dad has no thoughts, I think I have a couple of saves, one involving the cross beam up beneath the cross support of the shell. Which might happen anyway, and then probably just building a lighter add-on shell, since I'm trying to friction fit the 4×4s against the wheel boxes. The bummer is that it just occurred to me what my dad was saying: The front 4×4 is going to land right between my side door and the buddy door, which I actually rarely open unless I'm cleaning garbage. Once the tower is out of the way, I suppose it wouldn't hurt my feelings to turn the step space that I don't really use into floor space, possibly extending my seating/storage space.
The bonus is, if he wants to put the 4×4 there, he'll have to either take out the tower or fight with it. Well, he'll be running the grinder here soon enough anyway, so he's probably going to do the roof, the tower and the blower motor at once.
There's a ton to do even before the ceiling is finished. And tons more after.
I have pretty much no idea how to hang the curtains. Eyelets? Rings? A channel? Loops? If I had a good sewing machine, I would love to do a button hole on my privacy curtains. Probably a channel for the outer curtains, so there aren't any gaps to nose through. Some kind of variation on a button hole would help me weave on pretty, cheerfully colorful inner curtains. I guess a more accessible technique would be to use loops in a very thoughtful manner. I don't believe my mind has changed much since I last contemplated my curtains. I guess I'm sticking to the channel at the bottom of the outer curtains and loops at the top, for the windows, for minimum privacy breech, but also flexibility regarding my interior decoration choices. I think some simple white material for the loops would be a solid choice for unifying the decor.
Edit: Blanket stitch.
Genius.
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