#hyperfixation can be lonely AF sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mcrmadness · 5 years

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I think I’ve been alone for too long again as today seems to be one of those days when I just constantly ponder and question my motives with other people and wether I’m a good person or not, and I don’t know, if I’m or have ever been cabable of forming “normal, healthy” friendships with other people...

(I’m writing quite black and white here now, so if you’re reading, keep in mind that these are on a very very deep level of my thoughts and they might not literally mean what I say.)

What I mean is that I tend to get obsessed with people. And I don’t know if I do that because I like these people as friends or because talking to people is fun and I do that just because of myself rather than because I’d care about people. I feel like “friends” for me are just another form of hyperfixation. I don’t know if anything I feel is real or if it’s the same as when I obsess with video games or movie characters. Like... I don’t miss people ever? When I no longer talk with people I used to talk to, I do think about them a lot but I still don’t feel a thing? Or at least it’s like I get over it all super fast and move on. I still don’t stop thinking about them but it’s getting more of annoying and more like some intrusive thoughts that I can’t seem to get rid of. I just want those thoughts to stop because they’re just wasting my time.

But this is also so weird because at the same time, I my personality is just very... mixed. I’m basically a misanthrope but still I enjoy talking with people. I think I don’t form any bigger feelings nor emotions for people but I still somehow care about my friends and people around me. But what is it? How do I care about people? I’m not a psychopath because I’m highly empatheic and I feel compassion as well. Sometimes I think I would be psychopath probably if I wasn’t so highly sensitive. I always want to believe good about everyone but I still can’t trust anyone or anything and I don’t understand why people would genuinely want to be friendly towards me. It’s not so bad as it used to be when I still believed the standard was everyone hated me without even knowing me instead of the reality where it’s neutral at first. But sometimes I still get these thoughts about how people are my friends out of pity and they just don’t know how to tell me they don’t actually like me so they just keep talking to me or hanging out with me cos they don’t know how to get rid of me without hurting my feelings.

I’ve always been too kind, always putting other people’s needs before mine. But I don’t know if I’m a good person or if I do that only to feel like I was a good person. “Look at me I did a good thing!” I don’t know if I do this because I’m so highly empathetic and when I can cheer up someone, it also cheers up me. So am I doing that only to feel better because I can sense people’s moods and I feel sad if I sense sadness. So if I can remove the sadness, I no longer feel sadness either. I’m also like... if I have made a mistake I usually do admit it. But I don’t know if that’s also one of these “hey look I’m a good person I never lie!” Sometimes I feel like I have the need to “please” (e.g. doing a task without being asked to cos I know it will make them happy) people because it makes me feel like good again because I see their mood getting better and maybe makes me look like a nice person, but I also hate two-faced people and flattery and cannot stand these things. I’m either honest or say nothing but I avoid saying something else just to avoid arguments, because then I would no longer be honest. In a way, this could also be just the fact I grew up being bullied and hated at school and I was very lonely most of the time and maybe I’m now compensating for that. Making myself obsessively look like a good person so people would not hate me so much on main...

So are all my motives always nothing but selfish? I often feel like I don’t even deserve people around me cos I feel like I’m constantly just using everyone to boost my own mood basically. I feel bad for being a fan of a band and then doing nothing but obsessing over a ship. But I can’t help it. I literally cannot focus on anything else but that ship. I try not to do that but I just can’t stop. Cos the ship is again just because seeing all that is making me happy so I’m using even these people for my own selfish purposes and sometimes I hate it.

And about caring about people and friends... I really have no answers for this. I’ve always said that I don’t think I’m able to love humans. In any way. I talk about how I love animals or things etc. but I never ever use that word about humans - unless it’s something man-made with humans in it like a band or something like that, but here I also never mean the humans but I mean the music and stuff around that. Or when I love a movie, I don’t love the humans. But everything else about it. I also usually can’t reblog posts, even about my favorite band, that say something about the looks of or loving the people in that. Sometimes I have reblogged something about my fave band because I couldn’t understand German yet and now I regret those because now I understand them and there reads something that I don’t relate to and I wouldn’t reblog nowadays, even if I liked the photos or videos or gifs, but the text is just too much.

So I don’t know if I really care about people or what that is. I anyway don’t even let myself to “bond” with people. I start to back away immediately when that might happen. Usually. And sometimes I’m so excited that happens almost accidentally, and then I start to regret and start to back away cos I feel like I’m actually being just creepy af and not friendly. And... I don’t know. I’m too tired to think more than this. I just want to go to sleep as time has finally moved much enough so that I can sleep without waking up in the middle of the night.

But this definitely is a sign of that I’ve been with myself for waaaaay too long now. I talk to people but it’s different to talk with people just couple of times a day or once a week or every 2 weeks, when all of the other time I’m just here in my apartment all alone. And my mind never shuts down and just anything with stimuli will make me able to focus on thoughts and it this kind of shit^ all day long. I was just doing some jigsaw puzzles online to make the time pass and now I have somehow connected those with only ONE thing and that thing is spinning around in my head the whole time and it’s really annoying because I like jigsaw puzzles but I rather not think about the same thing EVERY F*ING TIME. Maybe I should write about it in my diary... no idea if it’d work tho. But I could always give it a try... idk.

#me #personal #asddddd am I selfish or am I selfish? :)))))))))))))))))#just stupid thoughts that I needed to get out somehow........................

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