#how did i not break down every day

[unimportantweirdo]

i literally got a new phone that was identical to my old one to reduce the stress of change but i still feel sick

the autism was not tricked

#i tried to trick my brain into chilling out #i have failed #drastically #i feel like garbage #ive been doing so well recently #i used to feel like this all the time fuck how did i survive #how did i not break down every day #...i mean i had at least two breakdowns a week #everything is awful #im too autistic for this

[im-traumatised]

When the joint pain so bad you can't even hold your phone for too long

#shott meee pleaseeeee im so done #granted was my fault #been having bad pain flair up last few days because it got cold really suddenly and my body seemed to freak out #but woke up today and like ocd brain couldnt stand the state of my apartment and kept breaking down over bits #and in turn making me clean it #so i did too much and now im having a major fatigue crash and pain every aha #i hate my body #im tired everythings too hard not sure how imma get food later and I just want someone to hug mw #dont wanna be alone #man my wheat pack died on me too so i csnt even get that pain releif although wouldn't be able to get up and make it anyway #i an in hell this is hell #AceofDragons #vent #actually disabled #heds #chronic pain

[zincbot]

the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming

#every time i think i can't feel worse i discover a new blow #TO BE FAIR. IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT BAD #i'm just like. really sensitive or something annoying like that #the worst part is that usually when i'm feeling low i can hinge my feelings on smth like 'if this happens that means everything will be okay #but then sometimes. it happens. and i still feel like the world is ending. so that didn't work now what do i do #ugh i didn't even feel this bad when i was like in the hospital a few months ago and it's literally just like. (in summary) #2 people i love are mad at me. i did really poorly in my exams and might lose my gpa. my car (highly attached) is breaking down and i need #get a new one #i start a new job tomorrow and i heard bad things about it from my classmates who started before me #+ i have serious doubts in my ability to dress neatly and well with all my shitty poorman clothes #+ i started breaking out #+ i just noticed i lost a bunch of weight likely from my hospital stay and i dunno how to get that back #+ my doctor said i'm not likely to get full mobility back at this point and it's upsetting me #also my spare tires are missing #ugh i'll be fine. i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine. i'll be fine #i'm good at dealing BUT ONLY WITH SOME OF THESE. i can deal with the car and the job and the health. but interpersonal shit? #which is the thing upsetting me the most? wow surprise surprise local autist doesn't do people good #UGH anyway sorry for complaints on main i just feel like i got too many straws rn #it's 10:30pm i'm sure i'll feel better in the morning (ignoring the fact that i've been feeling almost exactly like this for days) #ugh. it's fine. i'll deal. only way out is through or whatever

[suncaptor]

I do think that the idea of the club being like something you ought to be or should be doing in your youth is really silly and I never got most of the appeal. however I really used to enjoy dancing I remember I enjoyed a place for that with pretty lights and all, but now. I just like. can't dance the way I used to at all. I was just dancing for an improv class and I ended up collapsing. and it's not being out of shape or whatever my body just is forever different since the covid vaccine and while it does come in flare up it IS sad that a large part of why I have no interest is my body will just eat itself alive.

#also the noises can trigger migraines ://///////// #which like i used to be fine with sensory overload if i did it short term and was tipsy. now #i think it would also be another thing too if people were at least trying to find ways to help #i just. i used to dance in my room every day! i could run to class! i went on long walks for fun and not expect it to wipe me out! #and its like. even now even if i DO push myself to those levels. i am so dizzy and ill i cannot enjoy it. at all. #idk i know i usually am breaking down about how traumatised i am but it is also very frustrating i am supposed to deal with it all at once #incoherents

[stardustedknuckles]

I deserve hazard pay for every transcription that includes a crying baby in the background.

#Or a rooster #That was a rough week #Did you know they don't shut up once dawn breaks #Mundane adventures #Hey motherfucker try putting your phone down for ten seconds and just being on a plane #This guy has no sense of work life balance #We get hours of transcription every day #Most are in an office or an Uber which is fine #But I did not realize how nice I had it during the pandemic when he wasn't flying until he started up again

[thursdayg1rl]

first half term of year 13 done baby!!

#quite proud of that tbh #this half term I’ve been really dedicated #like I haven’t been counting down the days to the break (didn’t even know today was the last day until Wednesday) #and I went in every single day except for the train strike even tho I was really sick for weeks #and I really revised hard for tmua even tho it didn’t go well like at least I did something #also unrelated but I am considering entering for physics Olympiad #but idk if I’m good enough so perhaps will do a past paper #also need to finish my Cambridge application and possibly write a second personal statement #but I have 3 days for that #so today I can afford to do nothing #and I’m really tired so probably for the best #honestly near suicidal in the morning when I got up at 6.30 and it was pitch black outside #and felt like I slept for like. one hour max.. #not having problems w waking up at 3 am randomly thank god #how tf was I functioning in year 12 bc that would literally happen every night

[snapbackslide]

found another boy from ottawa (hinge seems to think they’re better for me there.. and it is NOT wrong let me tell u) and we jumped straight into sending paragraphs to each other and he’s my age and a teacher and he likes coffee and he’s got a tattoo :)

#i did not give up on sens guy but earlier today #i was stressing myself trying to think of something interesting to tell him #then i realized i’m actually tired of the weekend plans question #and he’s probably tired of me answering the same thing every week #small talk makes me nauseous and no matter how much progress i think we made #we fall right back into it and this is why i end up taking hours to answer him #it takes so much energy for me to fake this light casual mood all the damn time #and hockey talk’s fun but i really don’t wanna talk about the sens all the time either #and he’s not coming back here for a while and i’m not planning to go to ott anytime soon so now what #these things make me remember why i don’t wanna date but i’m also tired of being single #i have so much damn love to give and i’m so tired of not having a reason to be happy every day #when bad things happen i don’t have this one thing keeping me going i just break down and pretend everything’s fine in the morning #it’s a never ending cycle and for once i’d like to have someone to come home to #i’m tired of second guessing this #i’m tired of not knowing how he feels about me and not knowing if he even wants me #tired of daydreaming about something that might never even happen #** #brunch anecdotes w the girlies

[housewifebuck]

A cat would probably be better considering they are pretty independent (as long as they have food and water) and Firefighters have a hectic shift schedule

Buck would feel awful leaving a dog alone because Bobby probably wouldn't let him bring the dog to the station

Exactly….actually I think he would definitely adopt 2 bc he learns cats do better in pairs and he doesn’t want them to get lonely while he’s on shift…..

#maybe even 3 or 4 for good measure…. #projecting by turning buck into a crazy cat lady #asks #anonymous #Eddie comes to his apartment one day and there’s just a cat on every piece of furniture #and he’s like buck…….how did this happen #and buck is like. *immediately breaks down crying* nobody wanted them Eddie they were at the shelter for years #I had to adopt them I literally had no choice look at them [holding up the fuck ugliest cat you’ve ever seen] they’re all perfect #alternatively: Eddie and Chris should adopt a cat with CH #Chris at the shelter choosing a cat to adopt: dad look she’s just like me fr

[orcelito]

I've gone through a character arc today. I'm... better(?) now

#speculation nation #animal death ment/ #turns out shoving all my grief down and refusing to process it in fear of experiencing negative emotions is detrimental to me #i just went through all my pictures of cassy. experienced again what a loverboy he was... #cried again. twice. miserable experience honestly. i dont know how people do this more than a few times a year. #i have a few videos of him. including him watching a bird video on my computer. #unfortunately i never did capture his meow. which breaks my heart but there's nothing i can do about it now. #i'll just have to hold that sound in my memory. his obnoxious 'mraaaa' that could get comically long when he was begging for food #it hurts. but i'm allowed to remember that i loved him. i'm allowed to remember what he was to me. #an obnoxiously bullheaded cat that was strangely skittish at the same time. #it was annoying at the time but i treasure the memory of when he got out of my apartment unit #and i went chasing him up and down the stairs of the central area several times yelling 'cassy get BACK here!' #as he loudly did his 'MRAAAA' the whole time as he ran from me #my baby boy. tally loved him too. it hurts my heart that i cant communicate to her what happened. #no wonder she hates june bug so much. her friend disappeared & then a few weeks later theres This weird new cat #hopefully in time she can be friends with june bug too. there was a solid month or two where she haaaated cassy lmao #before a switch was flipped and she was grooming him every time he sat in front of her. #cassy may have lived for too short of a time. but he was very very loved. and i can see that in the records of him. #he was purring for me in the end. my sweet loverboy... #... i was going to try writing before work today but it seems like it's a grief processing day. #oh well. it's probably better for me overall. #negative/ #sure. i guess.

[olliecoded]

feeling like i singlehandedly destroyed four relationships today <3

#how would i do that? not sure actually. but i did though #my brain like pspspspsps guess what u did today. u fucked up every single one of ur friendships. no dont question it. #hello world #sorry im LEGITIMATELY breaking down a bit right now ive had a really shitty day

[ace-no-isha]

genuinely don’t know how i’m supposed to make it to 21 it’s less than 50 days away but i don’t want to get there i don’t want to grow older the weight of the future is too much to bear i’m not made for this

#tw self h4rm #tw sui ideation #delete later #constantly wondering how much damage losing ace at age 20 did to my brain #but also i just cannot handle this anymore #how am i supposed to make it through the end of this semester i am so tired i am so tired i am so tired #every day is an uphill battle again i don’t know why but i am not built for this #maybe it’s the seasons changing and being cold all the time and the sun setting by 4:30pm #but it’s painful to try to survive the winter #i was born in december and the cold months have never stopped trying to take my life along with everything else #the little warmth in my body is seeping out my bones and the cuts in my flesh and the tears i can’t cry #i can only take so much #it has been a hard year #i’ve grown so much but it feels like i’m sliding backwards and breaking bones on the fall #the climb up feels like it’s gonna be impossible after this #i am going insane #having an escape plan within reach again helped me calm down a little bit but i don’t know it’s not enough #it’s never been enough #trying to find a reason to keep going but i don’t know what to look for anymore

[potato-elf]

fellas I have good news - I picked up a diary and actually write in there to work through my complicated feelings instead of blasting them on main! (I say as I will vent a little bit in the tags but its a positive vent this time around)

#it seems to be working #at least a bit #it's nice to actually write it all out for once #helps knowing I have no one in my house who could possible stumble across the diary and get the urge to read it #but I wrote 10 pages down today #I had some things to reflect on #and then I had a really chill call with my ex cause I'm on day 7 of covid isolation and I needed some social contact #with someone who isn't my parents for once #because I did not want to get stuck in the emotional spiral #so I actually reached out and we had a nice and friendly conversation #and I'm actually starting to be very at peace with seeing him as just a friend #(a good friend with whom I have history but definitely a friend) #I don't know how I'm getting here so fast but I am kind of okay with everything atm #have been for a while I think #even if I have to get some emotions out every now and again because tbh it really is a big shift #but not one that I feel extremely bad about #it's definitely better for the both of us and I'm just glad he figured that out before I did cause I wouldn't have been able to do it #personal #venting about my break up in the notes again sorry lads

[drivemysoul]

i wanna send the great war to my fp so bad

#taylor.txt #like... we did survive the great war. we survived eleven months of what genuinely felt like war (on my end at least) #and it WAS my fault!! it WAS me punishing him for shit he never did!! it WAS me lashing out because i was scared to get hurt!! #it was entirely me feeling betrayed and punishing him for it and acting irrationally. and i hurt him. and i regret it every day even now. #but... we survived. somehow. his hand WAS the one i reached for all throughout the great war. i just... was too scared to reach out. #i had to work on myself. reprogram how my brain thinks about betrayal and fighting. learn to step down and surrender. #i couldn't ask for forgiveness if i was just going to turn around and do the exact same thing to him again. #there WAS no morning glory. it WAS war. it WASN'T fair. #and... i'll do everything i possibly can to make sure we never go back to that. #'soldier down on that icy ground. looked up at me with honour and truth. broken and blue. so i called off the troops.' breaks me every time #like... he did. but i didn't stop back then. and i SHOULD'VE. i regret it every day. why is it so hard for me to just back down. #'that was the night i nearly lost you. i really thought i lost you.' ALSO breaks me. #i DID lose him. nearly forever. and i'm so grateful every single day that he was kind enough to give me a second chance and let me reach out #the day we started talking again and he let me apologise i think i was just shaking and crying the entire time. just. after everything. #god. the great war just perfectly describes how i felt that night and all those months #but how do i send it to him without it being just so fucking weird OR without making it seem like im trying to guilttrip him

[bitronic]

hope to god walt lets jesse shower i know he smells like poopy doo doo

#mumbles #also jesse. shouldve left a mark on him #but he didnt #theres so much kindness in jesse and love and walts is slowly but surely slipping away #like i just keep remembering how he made a sandwich for domingo. like every day #with chips and everything #where did that go? #but also i know where it went #down the drain when this became more of protecting his image more than protecting his family #ouuuuuuughh breaking bad youuu *waggles finger* YOUUUUUU

[sheyshen]

while i’m on the screw major companies kick, i’d like to add in an enthusiastic screw you to amazon, and walmart, but mostly amazon.

two of the major local grocery store companies that are in my town are merging because amazon is driving them out of business. (albertsons and kroger) I have my own personal grievances with albertsons from working at jewel for a few years a few years back, but i’d rather not see them go down because of amazon.

#you wanna knock jewel down a peg because of how they over work their employees and are severely understaffed? go right ahead #also that i'm sure they're still very underpaid because i was all three of those and that's why i quit #for context i worked as a florist there. where when i was hired we were a team of 3 but when one of us left they never hired anyone new #so it was 2 people running an entire department alone #i was working on average 60 hour weeks with no breaks and would have to skip my lunch often cause i had to run home to care for my mom #i was never trained as a designer even though they dangled the option in front of me constantly but just never signed off on it #but i was designing floral arrangements most of the day every day #i was doing manager work while being only an associate in title and they consistently refused to give me a raise so i was stuck at $8 an hou #i was sexually harassed and when reporting it to the store manager he told me that it'd be an anonymous report #and then proceeded to make the person i reported apologize to my face at work while on work hours #so of course now the whole store knew i reported him #i kept bothering both my lead at the time and the store manager to hire at least one more person for our team but neither did so #and when speaking about how i wanted better hours and a raise my lead at the time laughed it off saying she didn't get paid much either #so i ended up quitting #and when the store manager begged me to stay i told him i would if he would give me a good raise and better hours #and when he just went quiet i just said 'then i'm sorry but i'm not changing my mind' #the team next to ours had a really cool lead and he'd help me out now and then. the rest of the store thought he was mean though lol #but like all that? that's stuff i'd rather see jewel get hit because of. not because of amazon of all places

[pbandfluff]

sometimes i remember that as a shift lead manager at a chain fast food place, the only two days of the year i was guaranteed off were thanksgiving day and christmas day bc even on your days off you could get called in to work (with the expectation you'd come in or oh look, you didn't get scheduled for 40 hours the next week), and often times you'd be scheduled to work a week in a row before having any days off, and you only earned paid time off if you went into overtime, but anyone under an assistant general manager was never allowed overtime because that was pay and a half, and assistant general managers did earn paid time off but only bc they were scheduled 50 hours a week instead of 40, but not paid pay and a half for those last 10 hours, so the only way you could ever earn any kind of days off that you'd be guaranteed to not potentially get a call to come in was to work in the second-highest position in the store 50 hours a week

#sometimes i hear people (rightfully) complain about only earning a day or two in pto per month #and then i think about how i worked for a year and only through being stuck in the middle of multiple days of chaos and crisis #the likes of which i would wish on literally no one #did i eventually earn 9 hours of pto #a year's worth of work and not even a full day of paid time off #and i WISH i could have earned a day's worth of paid time off per month #anyways this is your reminder that fast food jobs are fucking brutal not just for how you break your body and spirit down doing them #but also for how they're run to ring every possible moment of life from you for a little pay as they can justify