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silenceofthecookies · 3 years

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Bleach matchup - nakunakunomi

Giveaway prize for @nakunakunomi

Matchup for me :D No gender preferences I am a biromantic ace.

Your age: 24

Your general appearance - most striking features, your fashion style, etc.

Answer: Chubby mermaid lol. Long curly hair almost all the way down my back. Red at the moment, but I’ve had all colors of the rainbow. Ears pierced multiple times and a septum ring whenever I leave the house. My general style is comfy alternative, loads of black, boots and ripped jeans but baggy shirts and sweaters. I don’t like drawing much attention to my chest because my boobs are a very prominent feature. Hourglass figure with extra minutes: so there’s boobs and ass but also a tummy and such. I have dimples when I laugh and a whole bunch of moles over my body. I like a killer liner and mascara but don’t necessary wear makeup every day. I like 4 tattoos and waiting for that fifth one.

Your MBTI, western zodiac chart, etc.

Answer: INFP (mediator), Scorpio sun, Libra moon, Pisces ascending. Year of the rat. I’d say my MBTI type is pretty accurate and while I don’t have many of the bitchy traits often assigned to Scorpios, I do have some of the passion towards things I care about and a generally jealous and stubborn personality.

Your personality, how you perceive yourself and how people around you perceive you.*

Answer: Stubbornness and some jealousy (that is always internalized) are my worst traits. I lack self-esteem and confidence and get anxious in new situations. Once I am around people I trust I blossom open and become more giggly (lame jokes and such) my humor is about 50% puns and 50% sarcasm. I am quick-witted with ‘mean’ remarks but I will never intend to offend or cause harm to anyone. Tough exterior comes with a soft interior. I tend to overthink and worry a lot and will usually put a friend’s needs above mine. I often have people coming to me for advice or to help them calm down. I will be honest in the softest way possible, even if the things I need to say aren’t necessarily nice. I want my friends to flourish. I get easily distracted by cute things and can really enjoy beautiful sights, nice food, good company… i am heavily introverted but I do need the handful of people I care about to flourish myself. I accumulate facts and know loads of small things about a lot of things. I like adding in fun facts every now and then but sometimes I come across as a know-it-all and then I will get really self-conscious about it. I either talk up a storm nonstop or turn into myself and get really really quiet.

Your hobbies, interests, life goals etc.*

Answer: anything creative: reading and writing, drawing (although I’m terrible at it), pixel art. Singing, making music, playing instruments, DIYing things. I am quite good with makeup and wigs, and I cosplay but the sewing I still struggle with. I love acting and gaming as well although I don’t spend that much time on them. I am super heavily interested in true crime, cases, and the psychology of murderers and such. I tend to get overexcited talking about such cases, never celebrating violence, but just being very fascinated by what a human brain can do. I also just really love riddles, mysteries, and solving them. I’d love to become a teacher or a professional dog trainer. I love animals more than I love people and if I could work with dogs every day of my life that’d be amazing. An unrealistic goal would be to sing for a living, or do musicals. But I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen.

Your favorites, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, fears.*

Answer: food! Mainly Asian dishes (from all of Asia) and pastas. I love cooking and experimenting in the kitchen and trying out new things to taste. I’m vegetarian but not vegan and I will try everything that’s not meat or fish at least once! I love all kinds of animals, not only your average pets. I will also go pet the cows, and in the zoo you’ll have to drag me away by my ankles from the reptilians and the aquarium. I am fascinated by them and I love them. I love plants and flowers, and if you’d let me be, Id have a small jungle in my house with all kinds of plants and animals. I just love taking care of them, talking to them… I dislike arrogant people, people who are rude against serving staff. I dislike impoliteness and laziness in the sense that other people are suffering from your lack of work. If I am in a group project I will never procrastinate because it can drag the whole group down, it’s okay to be lazy if it only impacts yourself. I am afraid of loneliness and the fact that everyone I know just pretends to like me while talking behind my back and secretly hating me. I am not easily startled by monsters, animals, and such, but I do get a little paranoid if I have to walk in the street in the middle of the night. (a side effect from the true-crime consumption)

Any additional info you would like to share, fun facts, etc.

Answer: I think I added most things in the other walls of text (sorry they are so long). But when it comes to relationship and goals around that there are these things that I think are most important:

Patience, because I have some anxiety issues as well as fear of commitment. I will definitely need some reassurance. Also consent is the sexiest thing in the world, and that’s coming from an ace person. Honesty, liars are out. I have a lot of trouble trusting again once there has been a breach of trust. White lies for surprises and such is one thing, but any intentional lying in order to avoid confrontation is an absolute dealbreaker.

Love language is mostly quality time and words of affirmation, and that’s what I like too, as well as soft PDA and affections: cuddles, kisses, hand holding… I like spending time together, and even more so I like actually doing things together: sharing hobbies, going out, dates, dinners, walks, adventures, travels… all the things! :hellmo:

I match you with...

Nelliel Tu Odelschwank

Nelliel is the perfect match for you! She’s extroverted so she’ll be the first one to reach out to you. Her intentions are always very clear, though she’s very careful to not overstep any boundaries. No matter how much time you need because of your anxiety and commitment issues, Nelliel has set her mind on you and she will be as patient as you need her to be.

Nelliel is the type of woman to support you through anything, good or bad. You want to adopt a pet? She’ll go with you and help you pick if needed. You want plants on every free surface in your house? Time to go to the shop. You’re about to meet some new people and you’re anxious? She’s there right next to you.

Nelliels love languages are physical touch and quality time. As long as she an be close enough to sneak a hug or a kiss in every now and then, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing. Seeing you being passionate about your hobbies makes her smile every time and she will gladly try your hobbies as well. She loves drawing with you, even if neither of you are very good at it. Sometimes, when making something, she’ll ask you to sing something for her. She might join in, but she prefers to hear you sing.

Nelliel too loves reading a lot, so being snuggled up together on the couch under the same blanket, both with your own book and your own cup of tea is a regular happening. And if you start cooking something for her? Oh god, this woman will be putty in your hand. She’s not a very picky eater and will eat literally anything you make her. Food is another thing she loves, and with you spoiling her with all these amazing dishes, you can expect lots of hugs and kisses in return.

Late night conversations between you and Nelliel will be the absolute best. With your general knowledge and Nelliels imagination, conversations can go to the weirdest but most amazing places. Nelliel loves your humour as well and will gladly join in with her own lame jokes and puns. It’ll be one pun after the other and before you know it, the two of you will be clutching your stomachs.

One of the many things Nelliel loves about you is your hair. The curls, the colours, the length… she thinks it’s absolutely gorgeous. Another thing she absolutely loves about you are your dimples. They are the cutest thing and she will surprise kiss then while you’re laughing.

Cheerfulness aside, Nelliel can be serious when needed. She’s a great listener and gives great advice as well. Despite what her cheerful attitude would let on, Nelliel is very perceptive and knows when something is bothering you. Much like you, Nelliel can’t stand liars either. She’s very clear in communication and refuses to have any serious secrets from you, even if they’re hard to talk about. During arguments, Nelliel will rarely raise her voice. Violence, physically verbally or emotionally, are a big no-no for her, so she’ll always remain mature during these moments.

#bleach matchup #matchmaker cookie #cookie writes #matchup #nakunakunomi #400 followers event #scheduled post

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thezeekrecord · 3 years

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GAGEGN ch21

[index/summary]

REPORT: Regarding D.Pepper's exploration of reality

Tommy was a morning person. Sometimes he’d work late into the night, but right as the sun began to rise, he’d be up—no hope of sleeping in to make up for lost time. Darnold, on the other hand, was a bit of a late riser; Tommy noticed without any particular reason to be up early, he’d quickly devolve into a late night sleep schedule. Sometimes, when Tommy was having trouble getting to sleep, he’d hear Darnold playing video games on voice chat or downstairs in the kitchen. It wasn’t like it kept him up; he was used to sleeping through other people’s noise, and it was reassuring to hear Darnold peacefully doing his own thing. He was a good roommate and a good friend. Hearing the evidence of someone he trusted being around, just in case he was needed, was usually a good way to fall asleep.

Tommy had been up for a couple hours already when he heard the stairs creaking. He looked up from the Beyblade set he was currently focused on set out at the table, watching Darnold yawn as he joined Tommy in the kitchen.

“Morning.” Darnold mumbled.

Tommy smiled at Darnold, politely not commenting on the fact that it was past noon as Sunkist was quick to greet him. Darnold leaned down to kiss her head sleepily. “Hi, baby.” He murmured, scratching the sides of her head before moving on towards the coffee machine. Tommy loved seeing him first thing after he woke up—he was always so cute when he was sleepy.

“I just made more coffee.” He pointed out.

“Oh, cool. Thanks.”

Darnold poured himself some coffee and sat down, picking up the book he always left at the table; he made a habit of having something set out at the table to read while he was drinking coffee or eating alone. They’d usually end up sitting like this around this time of day, quietly focusing on their own activities in each others’ presence. Tommy liked that quite a bit—he’d usually found growing up if he didn’t want to be alone, he had to either find someone sharing his very particular current interest, or sacrifice his own interest entirely to get involved in someone else’s. Or, as he usually ended up doing, just accepting the loneliness. This was nice, though; he loved being able to just sit with Darnold in almost total silence without judgment while they got to focus on their own things, save for the times Darnold would rant about how dumb a book he was reading was. Tommy enjoyed that a lot, too.

This time, though, Darnold set his book aside with a deep sigh after a few minutes, dragging his palms down his face. “I’m really fucking bored, Tommy.”

“...Right now, or in general?” Tommy asked.

“In general.” Darnold answered, tapping his fingers against his mug. “I didn’t expect being set for life and never having to work would drive me nuts.”

Tommy nodded knowingly. “Yeah. Me too, honestly.”

As if on cue, Tommy jumped in surprise when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. Tommy fished it out, looking at the caller ID. Tommy held up a finger to Darnold and flipped his phone open. “Hi, Dr. Coomer.”

“Hello, Tommy!” Dr. Coomer greeted. “Are you with Darnold?”

“Oh, yeah. Umm, should I put you on speaker?”

“Yes, please.”

Tommy hit the speaker button and set his phone down between himself and Darnold. “Okay, you’re on speaker.” Tommy announced.

“Wonderful! Bubby and I have been planning a trip, and we thought we’d extend an invitation to everyone.” Dr. Coomer explained. “We’re going to the beach in California!”

“Ooh, California. That’s a long drive.” Darnold commented.

“Oh, no, we were planning on flying.”

Darnold immediately tensed.

“Bubby’s never been to the beach, so I thought it might be a fun first trip.” Dr. Coomer went on. “Would you like to join us? We’re planning on inviting Gordon, Joshua, and Benry as well.”

“I’d love to go.” Tommy replied. “It’s not like I, uhh—like I have anything else to do.”

“Excellent! Perhaps you two should come over in the next...say, half an hour? So we can buy all our tickets together.”

“Okay. See you in a few, then.” Tommy said, picking up his phone.

“Okay! I love you both!”

Tommy smiled. “I love you too, Dr. Coomer.”

Tommy flipped his phone shut, setting it aside and turning to Darnold.

“I, uhhh...might not go.” Darnold said, anxiously picking at the corner of his book. “The idea of flying kinda freaks me out.”

“Oh.” Tommy replied, trying not to sound too disappointed. “Well...that’s okay, if—if you don’t wanna go. But maybe, ummm...you and me could just drive there instead?”

Darnold gave Tommy a surprised look. “Oh, well, I mean—I don’t wanna make you suffer through such a long drive just for me.”

“I don’t mind! I’ve umm—I’ve never gotten to go on a big road trip or anything.”

“Really? Me neither.” Darnold said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, I almost did. To Colorado, actually. It, uhhh...didn’t really pan out, though.”

“Well, we could—we could experience it together.” Tommy suggested with a smile.

Darnold’s face flushed as he looked away. “Y-yeah. That sounds cool.”

Oh, he was so adorable, Tommy couldn’t help but think as he smiled a little wider. It was too bad, really—Darnold probably didn’t feel the same way. He was just shy; that was probably why he’d get all blushy whenever Tommy did or said anything friendly.

Tommy and Darnold quickly got ready to head over to Dr. Coomer and Bubby’s house for trip planning, finding Benry was already there—probably staying with them for the time being, if Tommy had to guess. He hadn’t seen him ever since he’d kicked him out, he remembered anxiously. He was sat at the table with Dr. Coomer and Bubby, fully immersed in his Gameboy as Bubby scribbled in a notepad.

“Hi.” Tommy greeted as he took a seat at the table.

Benry finally looked up at Tommy. “Sup.” He replied casually, looking back down at his game.

“What happened to your coffee table?” Darnold asked, nodding into the living room at the coffee table, which was split in half down the middle.

“Oh, Bubby and I got a little too excited about a match.” Dr. Coomer replied with a grin. “He tossed me into the table and it broke.”

“You could probably replace it with something sturdier.” Darnold said with an amused laugh.

“But what’s the point of throwing him at the coffee table if it doesn’t break?” Bubby questioned.

Darnold didn’t seem to know how to reply to that as Benry and Tommy snickered. “Uhh, we were thinking of driving there instead.” Darnold said instead. “So I guess we’d just head out, like, a day before you guys and meet you there?”

“Oh, are you nervous about flying?” Dr. Coomer asked as he eased back down into his chair.

“Well—the flying, and also TSA, and also getting there on time, and...y’know, just generally every aspect of it.”

“See? I’m not the only one!” Bubby pointed out to Dr. Coomer.

Just as Tommy and Darnold were settling down, there was another knock at the door. Dr. Coomer stood to answer it again, predictably revealing Gordon and Joshua.

“Howdy.” Gordon greeted as they headed into the kitchen. “How’s it going, everybody?”

Benry finally set down his Gameboy, glancing between Gordon and Joshua. Tommy watched closely, curious how this would play out.

Gordon also pointedly looked between Benry and Joshua, brushing his hair back awkwardly before letting out a tense breath and speaking. “You wanna meet Benry, Josh?” He asked gently.

Benry held out his hand for a handshake. Joshua looked up at Gordon for confirmation before approaching, placing his tiny hand in Benry’s.

“Nice to meet you, sir.” Benry greeted formally. “You’re the tiniest little dude I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m two.” Joshua replied.

Benry’s face split into a wide grin. “Hi, two, I’m Benry.”

Joshua made a grouchy expression as Gordon burst out laughing. Tommy smiled a little. His own unresolved issues with Benry aside, it was nice to see them getting along for once. Soon, Gordon and Joshua sat down as well, Gordon setting up his laptop.

“Here, I can buy everyone’s tickets online so we don’t have to go through that whole phone call bullshit.” Gordon offered.

“Uhh—Tommy and I are driving.” Darnold informed him.

“Yeah, I think driving is a much better option.” Bubby agreed.

Gordon frowned, typing away at his computer for a second. “...You sure? It’s gonna be about 15 hours of driving.”

“What?!” Bubby exclaimed. “15 hours? How fucking big is this stupid continent?”

“Oh, man, trust me. 15 hours is nothing.” Gordon said dismissively. “Try driving from Seattle to here in a big old moving truck. That’s like, what, 24 full hours?”

“...Did you live in Seattle before?” Tommy asked curiously.

Gordon paused, staring out at open space for a moment. “...Huh. Yeah, I guess I did...?”

“Isn’t there anything faster that doesn’t involve a plane?” Bubby complained.

“Unfortunately, it’s either that or drive.” Dr. Coomer answered mournfully.

“...Fine. I guess I can try flying.” Bubby huffed, crossing his arms uncomfortably.

“Okay. So that’s...all of us, except Tommy and Darnold?” Gordon asked. “Give me your IDs so I can make sure I’m spelling everything right.”

Dr. Coomer and Bubby reached into their pockets, pulling out their wallets. Gordon turned pointedly to Benry, who hadn’t made a move to take anything out.

“You got an ID?” Gordon asked him.

“No, you fuckin’—you destroyed my passport, bro.” Benry replied, picking his Gameboy back up.

Gordon barked out a loud laugh. “Holy shit, now you’re the one without a passport?! Are you serious?”

“What am I supposed to do? It’s not like I can get another one.” Benry grumbled.

“You go to the passport office, man! We all went pretty much as soon as we got here from the game!”

Benry groaned for a solid 10 seconds straight as Gordon laughed at him.

“Actually, I—he might still be legally dead.” Tommy commented thoughtfully. “I’m not sure he can get another passport without—without, uhhh, a whole lot of trouble.”

“That’s a very good point.” Dr. Coomer muttered, putting his hand to his chin. “Perhaps Benry could join Darnold and Tommy.”

“Y’know, if so many of us are driving and Bubby’s freaked out by flying, why don’t we all drive?” Gordon suggested. “I’d feel bad leaving all that driving to Tommy and Darnold. If we rent a big car, we could share the driving responsibilities. Between like, you two and me and Dr. Coomer, that’d be...what, only three and a half-ish hours of driving per person?”

“That’s a good point.” Dr. Coomer nodded. “What do you think, Bubby?”

“Listen, you all clearly know better than I do on this.” Bubby huffed irritably. “Whatever we end up doing, I’ll survive.”

****

Darnold hadn’t had one of his strange anxiety episodes in a long time. He’d been thinking about it, now that he had the time and space to do so—or, rather, he had no excuse not to, anymore.

He’d wondered about the correlation between the void he saw in the game and his episodes. They were both, very broadly speaking, experiences that felt like he’d stepped out of what was considered “real”. Given the fact that he stopped having episodes when he started working at Black Mesa, and then Black Mesa turned out to be the setting for a video game, it was...

An interesting correlation, to say the least.

He hadn’t had an episode ever since leaving Black Mesa, too, but how much exploration had he actually done? He sort of just fell back into his old habits, sticking to a singular routine, anything that he’d already deemed to be safe. He found one nice restaurant he liked to go to and pretty much just stuck to that, avoiding exploring too much if he could help it. He always took the same route to the grocery store, even if there was traffic, and just turned around and went home if there was a road block. He hadn’t even thought about it; this had been his entire life, avoiding anything he’d deemed to be “unsafe” for him by purely sticking to his safe spots, so it came much too natural to him now that he was back in what could be considered a normal life.

His opportunity to explore his limits was coming up, what with the road trip. He pictured having an episode the minute they left the city, though, just like all those years ago, and having to demand everyone drop everything to take him home. That was embarrassing enough the first time around; he wasn’t about to let that happen again with new friends.

Darnold was currently lying awake in bed, contemplating this as he tried desperately to fix his sleep schedule before the trip. Making up his mind, though, he rolled out of bed and crept down the stairs, careful not to wake Tommy as he took only his cell phone, wallet, and keys out to his car.

Darnold stuck in one of his CDs once he was in the car—a classic, Abba’s Mamma Mia album—and started driving. He deliberately took the opposite turn once he hit the fork in the road he’d usually take to the grocery store, bracing himself for an episode. When it didn’t hit, he let out a deep, relieved breath, continuing down the road without trouble.

He kept expecting it to hit. He’d imagine some sort of threshold up ahead, where everything would stop existing if he crossed over it—just like a video game, he thought with a bitter laugh—but no matter what unfamiliar road he drove over, no matter how far from home, Darnold remained firmly rooted in reality.

Darnold kept driving. He left the city, crossed through the city next to it, and kept on going. He decided to drive a little more deliberately now, following road signs until he hit the interstate. He could see the sun beginning to peek over the horizon as he drove down the long stretch of road, nothing around him but wide open space and the occasional car zipping past on the other side. He’d hit so many false alarms by this point, he found it easy to just sit back a little bit, peacefully watching the sun rise and singing along quietly to Abba. It sort of reminded him of when he’d drive to the closest store for errands while he worked at Black Mesa—it was so far out of the way, he’d end up on long stretches of road like this before he finally reached the city.

It was weird to think back on that, he mused. If the game wasn’t real, what did that mean about the world they were in now?

It was sort of funny, actually, now that he thought back on it. What with his episodes and the way he ended up limiting himself to particular routes and a strict routine, keeping himself to specific interests and hobbies, he was sort of acting like an NPC all along, even outside of the game. Darnold laughed a little to himself, trailing off as he realized he didn’t actually find it very funny at all.

Darnold noticed the sign in the distance, the one he’d been waiting to see, reading “Welcome to Colorado!” Darnold braced himself, sat up in his seat, took a deep breath, turned up his music and put both hands on the wheel. He’d never been outside New Mexico—what if he wasn’t supposed to leave? He thought as fear began to rise up in his stomach.

Well, he was about to find out.

Darnold held his breath as he approached the sign, tightening his grip on the steering wheel as he counted down in his head. Three, two, one...

Darnold flew past the sign without trouble, nothing disappearing around him. The road still stretched out ahead of him, and he could still hear Abba. He let out a deep, relieved breath, pulling over and resting his forehead against the steering wheel. Everything was normal. More normal than it had ever been in his life.

That was sort of terrifying, right? What was stopping him from doing anything alarmingly stupid, now, if he had total control?

After a few minutes, Darnold pulled back onto the road, driving deeper into Colorado. Why shouldn’t he? He was free to do whatever he wanted, right? He wasn’t bound by the laws of being an NPC. He was just a guy, now. And anyone who was just a guy could drive through Colorado if they wanted to. That was his basic right as a regular person with free will.

Darnold drove for a while, stopping in a town with a nice little coffee shop. He felt a little bad about going in in his pajamas, but not bad enough to stop him; he sat there at one of the tables, sipping a really nice latte contemplatively. The place had some nice decorations. Somehow, it was picturesque of what he’d expected out of this state—they weren’t in the mountains just yet, but it was built and decorated like a little lodge by some sort of ski resort. Even now, towards the end of summer, he felt like he should be dressed up in his warmest clothes to brave the snow just outside.

Darnold jumped in surprise at the sensation of his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out and flipped it open, finding several text messages from Tommy coming in one by one. TOMMY!!☆♥☆: hey darnold where r u? TOMMY!!☆♥☆: i see ur cars gone i thought maybe u went to the store but its been a while TOMMY!!☆♥☆: u doing ok? DARNOLD: hey tommy! im fine DARNOLD: im just out for a drive TOMMY!!☆♥☆: oh ok TOMMY!!☆♥☆: r u driving right now? dont text and drive thats not safe :( DARNOLD: lol no im stopped for coffee rn DARNOLD: ill be back home in a little while TOMMY!!☆♥☆: ok TOMMY!!☆♥☆: have fun on ur drive TOMMY!!☆♥☆: b safe DARNOLD: thanks! i will

Darnold pocketed his phone and tipped his mug up to chug the rest of his coffee. Once he was finished, he hit the road again, driving further up into Colorado. He wasn’t sure at this point when he’d even make it back home; it was nice, though, not even having a plan. Just going for the sake of it, enjoying his music and taking in the sights. This was going to be a lot of fun with Tommy and the rest of the Science Team, Darnold thought as he pulled over at one of those scenic rest stops.

Darnold sat on the hood of his car, staring out at the mountains in front of him. He tried to take a picture, but the camera on his phone really didn’t do it justice—but maybe the real beauty of it was just that he could sit there and take it in, recognizing that he was right there in front of it, right then. He took in a deep breath of fresh air. The road trip with everyone else would be nice, but doing this on his own was so refreshing; he could just take his time, letting himself enjoy it until he felt like he was done, no worries about wasting anyone else’s time.

Besides, how much was he even wanted, anyway? Darnold couldn’t help but wonder. This was a thought process he tried very hard not to entertain, but it just kept popping up; maybe they’d have more fun without him, and it was just impolite not to invite him. Darnold let out a quiet sigh, fiddling with the drawstrings on his pajama pants. He wondered how much he would even be missed, if he just backed out at the last minute, staying home while everyone went and had fun at the beach.

Darnold looked down as he felt his phone rumbling in his pocket again—a phone call this time. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, surprised he was getting a signal at all, and glanced at the caller ID before answering.

“Hiya, Gordon.” Darnold greeted.

“Howdy, Darnold.”

“Hey, why do you say ‘howdy’?” Darnold asked impulsively. “You said you were from Seattle. That doesn’t seem like a Washington thing.”

“Huh? I don’t know.” Gordon replied dismissively. “I guess you’re out right now, but do you wanna come to dinner at my house tonight? I invited everyone else, too.”

“Oh, uhhh, I don’t know if I’ll be back in a reasonable time, but I’ll see if I can make it.” Darnold said, glancing up at the sky. It was early afternoon by now—it’d probably be pretty late by the time he got back.

“Damn, Tommy said you were out for a drive, how far did you go?” Gordon questioned.

“I’m in Colorado right now.”

“What? Why?”

“Iunno.”

“Well—I wanted to double check if you had any food allergies.” Gordon went on. “Tommy said he didn’t think you had any, but I wanna be sure.”

“Oh, I can’t have shellfish.” Darnold told him.

“Oh, fuck.” Gordon cussed loudly. “I was making shrimp scampi.”

“Were you really?”

Gordon snorted on the other end. “No, I’m kidding. I’m making lasagna.”

“Dr. Freeman, I assume you probably don’t have any food restrictions, if you think I haven’t heard jokes like that more times than I could even count.” Darnold said flatly.

“Oh, I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Yeah, I bet you are.”

“What?” Gordon laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Darnold laughed too. “I don’t know. Uhhh, actually—can I ask you something completely unrelated?”

“Yeah, shoot.”

Darnold paused, looking back up at the sky. “Do you think I would be different if I had gone with you during the game?”

Gordon didn’t reply for a bit. “What, like...do you think that would’ve changed you? Yeah, probably, it was...pretty traumatic.”

Darnold frowned. “No, that’s not what I mean. You’re probably right about that, though. It’s more like...I don’t know. I feel like I was just the most regular, run-of-the-mill NPC you could’ve possibly bumped into that was still like, self-aware. If I had been intended to be someone who went with you, I probably would’ve been pretty different, right?”

“...Uhhh...how so?”

“Like...y’know. Tommy’s the son of an alien and has powers. Dr. Coomer has all those helpful cybernetic enhancements. Bubby’s a super powerful tube-grown guy. Benry’s...uhhh...I actually have no idea what Benry is. But you know, that sort of thing. That’s all, like, kickass backstory stuff that had significance in the game. It added to the experience of the story, right? So like, I wasn’t really anybody special, just because I wasn’t...needed, beyond giving you a new arm.”

Gordon was silent on the other end, long enough for Darnold to wonder if his call had been dropped. “I don’t know, man. Kinda hard to say. But what’s it matter?” He finally asked. “I mean—I don’t want to sound dismissive if this is something big that’s been on your mind for a while, it’s just like...we’re out of the game. You don’t have to base your significance on what the game arbitrarily decided you were supposed to be.”

“Yeah, I mean...that makes sense.” Darnold muttered. “I just sorta wish I’d been, like, more important. Y’know?”

“You are important, Darnold.”

Darnold sat there in surprise for a moment. All he could get out was a dumbfounded, “huh?”

Gordon snickered a little bit on the end. “I care about you, dude. We all do. Just because you weren’t there for the big fight doesn’t mean you don’t matter to us.”

“Oh. I—I care about you guys, too.” Darnold replied, awkwardly but fully earnest. “Thanks, Gordon.”

“Plus, like, y’know...the things everyone else went through were pretty fucked up.” Gordon went on. “I wouldn’t want you to have had to go through something traumatic just to prove your importance to the group. You’re not just a character, anymore, so your worth isn’t tied to any sort of...character arc or a backstory for why you have, like, telekinesis or whatever, you know? You can just exist, now.”

“...Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.” Darnold said, looking down at his free hand and flexing his fingers thoughtfully. “Thanks, Gordon. Really. Sorry to like, drop that all on you.”

“Nah, that’s fine! Don’t worry about it.”

“I’d uhh, better start driving now if I wanna make it back at a reasonable time.” Darnold said, hopping off the hood of his car. “If you guys start getting too hungry, don’t worry about waiting for me.”

“Alright, I mean, we’ll survive if we have to wait a little while. If it’s like, 8 and you’re still gone, though, I’ll just save some for you.”

“Thanks! I’ll see you when I get back.”

Darnold said goodbye to Gordon and flipped his phone shut before climbing back into his car and turning around. He hadn’t even realized how tense he’d been before the call with Gordon; all that was gone, now, as he hummed and carefully made his way down the winding mountain roads.

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jeparlelibremente · 6 years

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Demian (Hesse)

“There was the world of my parents’ house, or rather, it was even more circumscribed and embraced only by my parents themselves. This world was familiar to me in almost every aspect - it meant mother and father, love and severity, model behaviour and school...”

“The other world, however, also began in the middle of our own house and was completely different; it smelt different, spoke a different language, made different claims and promises. This second world was peopled with servant girls and workmen, ghost stories and scandalous rumours, a gay tide of monstrous, intriguing, frightful, mysterious things; it included the slaughter house and the prison, drunken and scolding women, cows in labour, foundered horses, tales of housebreaking, murder and suicide...”

Spoiler alert for the book in question

The dichotomy of Hesse’s narrator runs through the novel with singular accuracy; we are reminded, again and again of these two worlds that exist only as his own creation - and this is important: the problem is philosophical, existential. Hesse virtually gives this up in the prologue chapter, at any rate - analysis and interpretation not even necessary. But it’s crucial to bear this in mind, because I wanted to talk about why this theme is recurring in Hesse’s work; his books are populated with narrators plagued by internal crisis, who endure an entire lifetime of misery before eventual catharsis and denouement. “Misery” here may imply some tone, but it would be hard to classify them as happy or unhappy, they seem to exist only to deliver a kind of weapons grade ideology of psychoanalytic reflection right into the mind of the reader. And I would be hard pressed to name another writer who can peel back the layers of the human psyche as easily as Hesse. The Nobel Prize in literature has at times been controversial, but few would doubt the place of Hesse in the pantheon of the Western Canon. How many authors have even remotely tried, successfully, to explain the meaning of life? Siddartha isn’t even parable or metaphor, synecdoche or analogy; it is the eponymous character embarking on a quest to determine the meaning of life. And just like Sinclair in Demian, the tale is driven by an existential thirst: something is wrong, this is not enough, there must be more. More what?

In 1930 Freud published Civilisation and Its Discontents and began to tackle a problem that must have taken root in his mind even as he formed the early theories of psychoanalysis: the drives of the id are fundamentally incompatible with the principles of a peaceful civilisation - how does the ego mediate between the id and the super-ego? It’s one of the most unfortunate paradoxes of our species that as math enables us to connect more broadly and more rapidly, many of us are losing the ability connect on any deeply intimate emotional level; we marry the wrong spouses out of anxiety of loneliness, we surround ourselves with acquaintances but struggle to make ourselves understood. We’re screaming in a vacuum and nobody can hear. We suffocate. We suffer needlessly. We turn to Tinder and see profiles of “ENTJ” replacing dialogue and passionate conversation. Don’t get me wrong; online dating profiles only give you so much resolution to work with, and you’re going to need to write something - but so few people seem ever able to progress beyond this point. They attach themselves to someone, anyone, simply because they are there. There may be little attraction, shared interests, chemistry, humour - but - as an object, an abstraction, an idea - this person will do. We have increasing divorce rates and more pictures of our kids and failed relationships on Facebook and Instagram then ever before. We didn’t even have Facebook and Instagram before. People reflexively marry in order to post the relevant pictures to the relevant social media sites and tick the relevant boxes. Then what? The prognosis is poor; misery begets misery, and our children are learning unconsciously to mimic this behaviour. Disaster. And who is to blame for all of this?

Everyone at some point in their lives has to kill their parents. Youthful teenage rebellion is a psychologically fulfilling necessity. You need to individuate - the truth is you’re going to be carrying a lot of baggage (negative connotation not necessarily implied) and you will need to take responsibility for this. Understanding oneself is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do - by the time we have the cognitive faculties to do so, our impulses and instincts, attachments and transferences are so keenly developed that un-rooting them takes considered effort - I know all too well how extremely difficult this process is. Putting your finger on some unconscious instinct is like trying to thread a needle in the dark. Exhausting. Sleep, repeat. People are who are treated really badly by their parents tend to develop problematical personalities; borderline personality disorder has only increased in diagnostic rate; and it is only a description of behaviour, not even a real diagnosis with somatic malfunction to point to! Narcissism is even worse: modern psychiatry has very little to say about our increasing divorce rates and failed relationships. Why, after five years of marriage do you want to stab your husband in the face when he laughs in just that particular way? Take solace: the problem is not your husband, the problem is you. Or perhaps the problem is both of you. Either way, this is not the person you were supposed to spend your life with. People say monogamy is unnatural, but in truth this is an intellectualisation with one goal: to avoid making any concrete decisions. If you don’t make a choice with consequences then what have you risked? And in the perverse interpretation of narcissism, what does your partner choice say about you? The alternative is to frantically pick someone, anyone, and run with it. If it doesn’t work out (it won’t) you can always un-friend them and un-tag all your photos together. It is this invisible fourth wall that is causing your frustrations. Your inability to meld to another persons well-being. I am not anti-social media, I am anti-you not understanding why you repeat the same patterns over and over in despair.

“I was glad my father upbraided me about my muddy shoes. It side-stepped the issue, the graver sin passed unnoticed and I got away with a reproach which I secretly transferred to the other affair. In so doing, a strange new feeling lit up inside me, an unpleasant, ruthless feeling, full of barbs - I felt superior to my father!”

Sinclair knows from the beginning that something is wrong; the opening passages of this essay are taken from Chapter Start. I feel like it’s low hanging-fruit to look at Sinclair’s remarks about his father and then look at Freud and back again; and besides, his mum tries to comfort him after the ordeal with Franz Komer begins, and Sinclair doesn’t really display any Oedipal tendencies - his refusal to eat the chocolate she brings can be seen as a pattern of positioning himself to move away from his parents. Max Demians’ initial appearance is a convenient way to Deus Ex Machina dear old Franz out of the picture, but by this point it is already too late: Sinclair has tasted the forbidden fruit of knowledge (that Franz Kromer can so easily trick Sinclair should not be lost on the reader: Sinclair’s naivety shines through) Whoops. Also, this is... kind of the titular character. He wasn’t about to slink away. Sinclair and Demian hang out, they talk about stuff in a way that probably only Nietszche would find amusing. Sinclair is semi-infatuated, retreats back to the safety of his parents and sisters (take note that he has no brother, yet attends boys’ schools) and goes back to study. He learns about interpretation, and begins to think deeply about the character of a man. He sympathises with Cain, and not Abel. This is important: it is the first time his intellect has demonstrated the ability to abstract, it lets him reason with symbols: semiotics is the basis for metaphor. “You mean the mark isn’t a literal mark?” Demian says some edgy stuff with one common theme: be true to thyself.

Several years and puberty later, and cue boarding school. Sinclair is going out and getting wasted, his talk is cynical. He is deeply, deeply alone. He knows all the right moves to make socially, but he connects with no one. Grades are bad, and his old friends are trying to distance themselves from him. That’s ok, he’s made a lot of new ones - that he feels nothing for. Uh oh. For a book written in 1919, this is starting to look a lot like... us.

Part 2 soon.

#books #literature #hesse #demian

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simplybre-blog1 · 7 years

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Tonight, i sit in my bed listening to the typical slow love songs (turning page by Sleeping at Last, Fix You by Coldplay etc.) and im thinking so deeply to myself. im no longer complaining about being single. im no longer crying myself to sleep because i feel that there is something wrong with me. I know there is nothing wrong with me. yes i flaws. that doesnt mean there is something wrong with me. i will admit im not the healthiest of people and my skin isnt flawless. i dont wear make up. my eyebrows are busy and my hair doesn’t do the things id like it to. it has been 5 years since ive actually felt wanted, since ive felt like im someone’s last thought before they close their eyes to sleep, since ive felt the heartwarming feeling you get when they grab your hand and intertwine their fingers with yours or the heart racing feeling you get just before your lips touch. its been 5 years. and most of all this time i have tried so hard to change who i am to fit society’s guidelines of how to be “beautiful”. ive cried in my bed late at night wondering why guys arent interested me knowing there must be something wrong with me. ive gone back to tumblr and left and gone back and left so many times because tumblr was where i focused on luke hemmings and ashton irwin. the two boys that for so long i was unable to choose between and wished that for just one night everything in my life could change and i could just be their girlfriend for a day. to know what it feels like again. to be wrapped in their arms. on tumblr i would read countless imagines and one shots and scroll through all the ship posts of who so and so shipped with whatever boy and the imagine that was with it and it was almost a complete escape from what i felt and i felt like it was real. i felt like i really knew the boys. i felt like i had known them all my whole life. and before 5 seconds of summer, yes it was one direction. Niall Horan. He was a huge part of my heart for 3 years. i felt like i knew him so much that it was almost to me like we had been dating the whole time and when he would actually find a girl that he liked and i saw it in the media, i was happy for him but also part of me would be so depressed and i would cry so hard because those times were waking up to reality realizing that i never really knew him in the first place and i was still alone. i suffered with such lonely depression for so so long. of course i did have my personal crush’s from church or from school but i knew that we could never be because of vvarious different reasons and it was like watching something you want so bad being held in front of your face but you cant have it because your hands are tied and your too far away to reach it even though its so close. for 5 years...... i have battled so many things. insecurities, shyness and awkwardness, loneliness, depression, sometimes even self hatred..

tonight. this is the first post ive put on tumblr in a very long time. the last post i put on this tumblr account was an imagine about luke hemmings.

tonight. i can say im still single. but im not depressed. im still alone. but i dont hate myself. i do have strong feelings for someone but its not someone ive never met before. its not a famous person. yes im still lonely but im not crying.

Im Stronger. I am Beautiful. Yes i have flaws, but they are Beautiful. I know that one day, God will send a man my way that will be the perfect match for me. Im not sure when and i dont know who. But i wont be upset about it anymore. I will be excited to be with my husband. Im going to try to learn to be a good wife for him. not because i have to but because i know that when i meet him, thats all ill want to be. Im happy. Im finally accepting myself and it feels really good to do that. its like....a feeling im not used to. like healing. painful healing. but healing none the less. like ripping a scab off. (thats kind of a gross example but you get my point)

i just wanted to share this. im proud of myself for being able to accomplish this. its amazing. love you guys. you all are gorgeous and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. its just not your time yet. God has a divine plan for you. Just trust him. i could have never done this without him :)

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mintyicee · 7 years

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Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much).

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school.

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either.

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end.

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)! And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church.

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3

#rant #venting #feelings #loneliness #sadness #anger #friends #people #depression #life #church

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

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