#he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saberspirit · 4 years

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jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending.

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading!

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

#he really lives in my head rent free and i just. well. i think hes a really good example of the ''uglier'' side of the feelings of--#-- victims of abuse and how we deal -or sometimes cant- with it in our lives afterwards and how they affect relationships #BUT the important thing is that hes healing :)#jiang cheng #for my own tagging purposes #caleb meta hours #caleb.txt #i may come back to edit this tbh its 1am and i spent 3 hours editing it

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silverflame2724 · 3 years

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Have you ever how MDZS would've turned out if either JYL was also a demonic cultivator?

For this to make sense, I would like to say that I’m under the impression that resentful energy suppresses, not heals, wounds so taking it away would open all wounds up.

Now then, because of how this question is formatted, I have three different takes:

If JYL was a demonic cultivator alongside WWX but had her core:

So, in this scenario, JYL might have wanted to help during the war but her core wasn’t strong enough to support her. She saw how helpful WWX’s demonic cultivation was but also how it had hurt him and wanted to take some of the burden off of him.

So WWX tries to refine it for her in a way that won’t harm her core. JYL, of course, notices how different the method WWX taught her was in comparison to what he was doing. She also noticed that WWX did not code any of his notes and had heard the whispers of those jealous of his power. So she made him code his notes into something that only JC, her, and WWX would know how to read. She helps with the war effort and calms WWX when the resentful energy gets too much.

JYL realizes how irritated she is getting and gets LWJ or some Lan to help play for her after every battle she uses resentful energy in. And then she gets confused. Why does WWX not do the same thing? Something must be up. She confronts WWX who avoids the question like there’s no tomorrow. Of course, JYL stares him down for a few days and then WWX finally gives. He tells her to keep it a secret that he has no core and that the resentful energy is the only thing keeping his body together. JYL is extremely protective™, afterwards and keeps her promise to say nothing to anyone.

LWJ’s “come back to gusu” now sounds like a threat whereas before she thought it was worry. She tells LWJ to stop/what his intentions are because she knows that LWJ helped search for WWX desperately for 3 months. LWJ struggles for words and she understands how difficult voicing out your true feelings is as she has dealt with WWX and JC. She waits patiently until LWJ says something along the lines of “I am worried about him” or “I want to protect him.” So JYL asks if that isn’t what WWX wants, will he still continue this. LWJ says a hesitant “no.”

JYL then drags - maybe in a more polite way - LWJ over and says to WWX, “this one wants to protect you,” and LWJ nods, embarrassed. WWX is confused.

The war continues and then ends and while JYL stops demonic cultivation, she understands that WWX can’t and also understands the Seal cannot be destroyed without WWX dying. So when JGS asks about the Seal, with JC’s explicit permission, JYL says that they’ll destroy it but not now. WWX is nervous about that because he needs to protect the Jiang sect. JYL calmly talks him out of it and says he can still use demonic cultivation with her to protect the sect; he’s not alone.

WWX agrees and manages to come up with something (with LWJ’s help) to destroy the seal, which he does, later, in public. Afterwards, the Wen thing happens but WWX decides to talk it out with JYL who decides that the better course of action is to talk to a drunken Jin Zixun and find out the location of the Wen Remnants. After which, JYL tells WWX to go at night with LWJ to free the Wens and take them to a secure location in Yunmeng. WWX is skeptical about letting LWJ come along but JYL says “you need someone you trust to help you get there faster, right?” So WWX reluctantly agrees and LWJ nods along and helps WWX to get to Qiongqi Path and leads the Wens away secretly to the safehouse that JYL pointed out. After the banquet, JYL helps get clothes so that the Wens aren’t recognized and slowly integrates them into the town nearby.

Afterwards, JYL pushes WWX together with LWJ after several long painful months of them skirting around each other before focusing on her own relationship where Jin Zixuan is trying his damn hardest to court her. JGS is still a creep and a power-hungry bastard though and Jin Guangyao still wants to please his father. JYL is not stupid and while she is distracted by how cute Jin Zixuan is, she can recognize the greed at which JGS stares at her. She doesn’t do anything though, even if JGS has been subtly (not so subtly) implying to share demonic cultivation techniques. There isn’t much she could do until a strange attack leaves JGS near-death. JYL had nothing to do with it, of course. Nothing at all. JGS had stolen some of her A’ Xian’s talismans that attracted evil, so he only had himself to blame. No one saw those talismans though since they had burned to a crisp, so all’s well that ends well!

If JYL lost her core and became a demonic cultivator with WWX:

In this scenario, JYL lost her core because WZL got her too somehow. WWX would still try to find a way to lessen the effects even if it wouldn’t be too effective. JYL still realizes something’s up and feels herself getting more irritated but when she tells WWX about getting a Lan to lessen the effects, WWX panics and says no! JYL then asks why and WWX will have to tell her because removing the resentful energy will kill them. And then JYL is like “us?” and WWX realized what he just said. So now JYL knows he’s without a core but she also knows that WWX wasn’t caught by WZL like she and JC were and demands answers. Which WWX is veryy, very reluctant to give. But he does so anyway.

JYL hugs her brother and says that they’ll figure something out. WWX cries too and nods. LWJ still tries to help WWX but JYL, under the same ill effects of resentful energy, finds it more difficult to find the worry in LWJ’s words. But nevertheless asks him what his deal is. LWJ is unable to formate words and JYL’s temper is cut short so she yells “you’re planning on punishing my brother, right?” because she remembers Gusu Lan rules as well. LWJ is like, “no.” But he finds it difficult to speak and says, “not punishment”. JYL feels how the resentful energy is getting to her but tries to calm down. LWJ wants to help WWX and JYL very calmly says, “if you try to purify the resentful energy, you’ll kill us, understand?” LWJ then panics because he did not know that, sees WWX, apologizes and says he’d like to help.

WWX is very stubborn about not needing help but JYL is not and accepts on their behalf because they do need the help. The war continues and both JYL and WWX try to help as much as they can but the resentful energy is bad and even worse for WWX who’s using the Seal. Luckily, the war ends.

But both JYL and WWX are in horrible shape and JC is very worried and very mad (at WWX, for teaching her, and at JYL, for pushing herself). LWJ manages to use his music in a way that doesn’t harm them, though, so they’re both fine but JGS is still a horrible person who wants JYL to marry Jin Zixuan and well, JYL is a woman. She has to get married. But she can see the greed in JGS’s eyes and decides that no matter how much she likes Jin Zixuan, it wouldn’t be good to go to the Jins. Not until JGS is dead, of course.

Normally, she wouldn’t be so prone to murder but resentful energy does wonders in that regard. She gets rid of JGS in a way that wouldn’t make any blame fall onto her or WWX. With the threat out of the way, she allows a relationship with Jin Zixuan and helps WWX get together with LWJ. The Seal still gets destroyed somewhere along the line.

If JYL was the only demonic cultivator:

In this scenario, JYL found out about the golden core transfer and offered hers instead because WWX is an asset and it wouldn’t make a difference if she had no core or not. She’s thrown into Burial Mounds but survives because of her love for siblings or something like that. Also, because WWX always told her of his crazy idea which included the resentful energy manipulation. WWX would still try to help lessen the effects but not much can be done unless he goes on the path too, which he does because he’s not letting his sister do this alone. It’s more difficult for him though cause he has to be wary of not corrupting his core which he is able to do with help from LWJ.

JYL cannot handle the resentful energy very well and it shows. WWX tries to help but it doesn’t go very well. He still creates the Seal which lessens the burden on JYL’s shoulders but still doesn’t lessen the effect of resentful energy on her. At the end of the war, she’s at the end of her line and she’s very close to death. LWJ offers purification to help and WWX refuses. He understands her situation and it will kill her to remove the resentful energy. JC blames WWX for JYL’s condition and WWX is so guilty, he throws himself into finding a solution, uncaring of his health. He’s eventually able to refine demonic cultivation to a manageable point and JYL wakes up not long later. He gives her his notes and she follows the instructions, finding herself not to be so irritable anymore.

Despite all this, JYL is still a woman and now even more desirable because of demonic cultivation. JGS will do anything to let her come into the family so that he can learn about her cultivation. JYL has a very short temper now though. And Jin Zixuan’s attempts at courting aren’t making her heart skip a beat. Then Wen Qing comes along, but it’s WWX who finds her, so he’s able to get to Koi Tower, trick (read: threaten) Jin Zixun into spilling the location, brings LWJ and NMJ along (because he doesn’t want to offend anyone with how fragile the Jiang sect is) and they free the Wens.

Seal is somehow destroyed, WangXian gets together, but Jin Zixuan and JYL’s relationship takes a loooong while to bud, if at all.

_________

Phew. This took a while to write.

#jiang yanli #wei ying #wei wuxian #lan zhan #lan wangji #jiang cheng #mdzs #grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation #if JYL was a demonic cultivator #golden core transfer #anonymous #reply

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rosethornewrites · 4 years

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Fic: the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break, ch. 13

Additional Tags: Pre-Slash, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Secrets, Crying, Masks, Soulmates, Truth, Self-Esteem Issues, Regret, It was supposed to be a one-shot, Fix-It, Eventual Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, wwx needs a hug, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Filial Piety, Handfasting, Phobias, Sleeping Together, Fear, Panic Attacks, Love Confessions, Getting Together, First Kiss, Kissing, Boys Kissing, Family, and they were married, Bathing/Washing, Hair Braiding, Hair Brushing, Feels, Sex Education, Implied Sexual Content, First Time, Aftercare, Morning After, Afterglow, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Hand Jobs

Summary: Wei Wuxian has a difficult start to the day, Lan Wangji learns something he didn't expect, and Wen Qing oversees a unique medical experiment.

Notes: Intended to get further in this, but was at a good stopping point and already over 3K words. We don’t know a whole lot about Wei Wuxian’s time with the Wen in Burial Mounds. While it’s unlikely he dealt with near-possession, the shift of Lan Wangji staying changed a lot of things. They could afford more crops, so he had to clear the resentment from more land. That combined with the emotional exhaustion from talking to Lan Xichen left him open. Unintended consequences.

AO3 link

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

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Wei Ying, when Lan Wangji wakes him for breakfast in the morning, is alarmingly withdrawn. His eyes are hazy, unfocused. He barely reacts when Lan Wangji places his bowl of breakfast in his hands, and ultimately he feeds him. It is a slow process, Wei Ying sometimes needing prompting.

If not for his reluctance to leave his husband alone in such a state, he would go looking for Wen Qing. Instead he focuses on feeding him and having him drink the medicine Wen Ning brought with breakfast.

By the time she arrives, Wei Ying has slipped back to sleep.

“It’s the pain, and probably one of his bad days on top of it,” she tells him when he asks.

Wei Ying, he learns, often sequesters himself from the others, sometimes not leaving the cave for several days. He spends that time feverishly inventing cultivation tools.

“It’s a distraction,” she says, sounding tired. “Whatever is going on in his mind, he’s trying to distract himself from it however he can—he’d probably numb himself with alcohol if we had it.”

Nightmares, Lan Wangji is certain, and the trauma of his experiences, perhaps his own lack of self-worth driving a need to be useful through his inventions.

If Wei Ying is suffering today, the pain prevents him from using his normal coping mechanisms. And Lan Wangji would rather he not use drinking as one—and he suspects Wen Qing feels similarly, as jifu has brewed more fruit wine.

Since they’re waiting for Wen Ning to return with the bathtub so the hot water can ease Wei Ying’s pain a bit before they try their musical acupuncture experiment, Wen Qing leads him to a nearby stone “table” covered in papers. They’re haphazard, scrawled half-ideas interrupted by new ones, occasional doodles, a true mess. There’s no organization even within one page, only a sort of jumble of thoughts in smeared ink.

Lan Wangji hates the idea that his husband’s mental state could mirror those pages on his bad days.

“He hasn’t had one of his bad days since you came,” she says, her tone approving. “You’re good for him. Yesterday was just… a lot.”

He can only nod in response; it had been difficult for him, as well, but Wei Ying had bared a secret he had not willingly told anyone, had made himself vulnerable—and at Lan Wangji’s request. Even had he not suffered the near-possession, today may have been a bad day for him regardless.

“I’ll put together a sachet for the bath, something to relax his muscles and ease the pain,” Wen Qing says. “Let him sleep until A-Ning gets back.”

He returns to Wei Ying’s side when she leaves. He is pale and still as he sleeps, his lips parted slightly as he breathes, his breath easy and calm. The dark circles under his eyes are still prominent, and Lan Wangji hopes it is a healing sleep.

Lan Wangji spends a shichen meditating beside Wei Ying while keeping attuned to him in case his sleep is disturbed. Wen Ning returns, carrying a large bathtub already filled as though it weighs nothing, and carefully sets it down without sloshing the water over.

“I cannot use t-talismans anymore,” the young man says, almost in apology. “Jiejie put a sachet in already. She said t-to only let him soak for a quarter shichen, then have him drink water.”

“Thank you, Wen Ning.”

He rises and bows, and Wen Ning makes a disgruntled sound.

“Y-you shouldn’t bow t-to me, Lan-er-gongzi!”

Lan Wangji shakes his head.

“You are helping my husband,” he says.

“I would help him anyway.”

“All the more reason to show you courtesy.”

Wen Ning seems to recognize Lan Wangji will not budge on this issue, and finally just nods.

“Jiejie said she would check on him in half a shichen, and to t-try the acupuncture idea.”

Lan Wangji has little choice but to accept Wen Ning’s bow before he leaves; protesting it would be hypocritical.

After affixing a warming talisman to the tub, he turns his focus back to Wei Ying. He tries to wake him pleasantly, with soft murmurs and touches, and after a few minutes rouses him enough to explain about the tub.

Wei Ying is barely able to help when Lan Wangji undresses him, only just awake. He frowns to find bruises on his skin that hadn’t been there the night before. He hoped Wen Qing would know what had caused them.

He knows his robes will just get wet, so he strips himself to his zhong yi trousers.

He doesn’t bother trying to get Wei Ying to walk once he is undressed, just scoops him into his arms and carries him to the tub. Wei Ying lets out a soft moan as Lan Wangji lowers him into the hot water and settles him, careful to keep his braided hair out of the water. Wei Ying grabs his arm before he can completely withdraw from the water.

“Stay?”

Lan Wangji can deny him nothing, so nods, settling beside the tub and holding Wei Ying’s hand under the water. The rising steam has an earthy mint aroma, and he hopes the bath and Wen Qing’s sachet of herbs are helping ease his pain.

“You’re always here for me,” Wei Ying murmurs, his voice distant, sleepy.

“I have not been before.”

He regrets that, seeing the pain his husband, his zhiji, has endured. He thinks perhaps it will always be a regret, having waited too long to support him.

Wei Ying frowns at him, his eyes hazy. He draws Lan Wangji’s hand to his chest over his healed brand scar, over his heart.

“You have. Here.”

“Wei Ying,” he breathes, overcome by the gesture.

“Like that. I heard you, the first time. When I was here.”

Lan Wangji frowns, confused. Wei Ying’s eyes slide shut and he sighs softly.

“I thought it was the end, when they dropped me here. All that resentful energy howling at me all around, asking if I wanted revenge. I was ready to give up and just… let it end. But I heard you call my name. Your voice. I wanted to try to see you again.”

Wei Ying’s voice is barely audible at the end, and after several breaths Lan Wangji realizes he’s fallen back to sleep. He feels raw, knowing this, knowing Wei Ying tried to survive for him, to return to him, just to see him, expecting to be hated for what he had to do to survive.

He curls closer to the tub and kisses the top of Wei Ying’s head, burying his face in his hair.

“I’m glad you did, Wei Ying,” he whispers. “I’m so glad you did.”

There is moisture in Wei Ying’s hair, and it takes a moment for Lan Wangji to realize it’s from his own tears. He has never doubted Wei Ying loves him, but the depth of his love is overwhelming, that Wei Ying refused to give up in the face of certain death for the chance to see him again. Even the spectre of Lan Wangji had comforted him in his lowest moment.

Lan Wangji simply holds his husband, as much as is possible separated by a wooden tub, and tries not to think. Tries not to wonder what might have happened had he not discovered Wei Ying’s secret, had he walked down the mountain and returned to Gusu as he had intended, had he left Wei Ying to suffer alone. Tries not to be angry with himself for having been so willing to abandon his husband for the sake of rules—what rule is worth more than Wei Ying?

Finally, he estimates it has been quarter shichen and he hooks an arm under Wei Ying’s knees, the other around his back, and lifts him out of the tub.

Wei Ying shivers in his arms, wrinkling his nose and letting out a whine at the chill of the air. Lan Wangji sets him on the embroidered blanket on the bed, wrapping him in it—the material will absorb the water, and he can hang it to dry later. Wei Ying’s features smooth over, and he stirs, murmuring his name.

“I am here, airen. I will not leave you.”

Never again, he promises. Every time he leaves Wei Ying, terrible things happen to him. He will defend him, care for him, and keep him safe.

Wei Ying smiles sleepily at him.

“Did they get a tub for popo, too?” he asks.

Lan Wangji wants to clutch him close, this man who cares so much for others and yet so little for himself, but instead he pets his hair and leans in to kiss him softly.

“I did not ask.”

Wei Ying huffs softly, turning his head into Lan Wangji’s touch.

“Hope they did. Bath was nice.”

He wonders if Wei Ying remembers what he said, his revelation, but he doesn’t address it. It does not need to be addressed. He knows now, and he will not forget.

“Wen Qing added an herb sachet. How is your pain?”

“Tolerable,” Wei Ying murmurs with a soft hum.

Lan Wangji knows that could just as easily mean it is intolerable, but Wei Ying won’t admit it even if that is the case. Regardless, he must be feeling at least slightly better than before the soak—he is more present now.

He remembers he was to have Wei Ying drink water and he pours a cup from a nearby ewer. He lifts Wei Ying into a sitting position and helps him drink, refilling the cup a couple of times until he’s sated.

“We will attempt that musical acupuncture cultivation idea when Wen Qing comes,” he says, easing him back down.

Wei Ying nods, but grimaces.

“Wei Ying?”

“Hate needles,” he murmurs. “That’s all.”

“I will be here with you.”

It is all Lan Wangji can promise, but when Wei Ying smiles softly at him, he hopes perhaps it is enough.

Lan Wangji makes sure Wei Ying is dry within the blanket, then helps him into his zhong yi trousers—reluctantly, after Wei Ying looks at him through long lowered lashes and asks if it’s time for their every day. Had they had the time for it, without the threat of Wen Qing walking in on them, he wouldn’t hesitate.

He does not hesitate to kiss him breathless, to hold him close, and he hopes it is enough for now.

He knows acupuncture will require Wei Ying to be mostly nude, so he only bothers him with the trousers for now, wrapping him back in the blanket and kissing him soundly.

He is just finishing with the belt over his outer robe when Wen Qing enters carrying a basket.

“You look better than this morning,” she tells Wei Ying bluntly, and he laughs softly.

“Your medicine and the herbal bath helped, Qing-jie.”

That elicits a smile from her, and she settles beside him on the bed.

“He has bruises.”

Lan Wangji pulls back the blanket to show her, and is relieved when she only nods.

“His muscles spasmed violently when he was fighting the possession. They’ll heal, but there was damage.”

She turns to Wei Ying.

“You made it worse for yourself, you know.”

Wei Ying looks away, frowning.

“I didn’t know if she would hurt A-Yuan. I couldn’t risk it.”

Wen Qing’s expression softens, but she still huffs at him irritably.

“And you wonder why he adopted you as his dad.”

She pulls a set of acupuncture needles from the basket, and if Wei Ying intended to protest her comment, he thinks better of it, eyeing the needles distrustfully.

“I want to work on your back first,” she tells him. “Since we don’t know the effects, we’ll start slow and be careful. You need to let us know if it hurts, Wei Wuxian.”

He nods, still eying the needles. Lan Wangji helps him turn over, pooling the blanket over his lower body and tucking it around him to give him at least some warmth. He holds Wei Ying’s hand, hoping to offer comfort as Wen Qing inserts her needles.

Wen Qing stays fairly quiet as she works, simply letting them know she’s targeting muscles rather than meridians for the first stage of the experiments, hoping to determine whether a directed distribution of qi will accelerate the healing process.

“I don’t want to try the meridians just yet,” she says eventually. “It may flush out the resentful energy, and I don’t know how that would affect you. It might make you feel better, but...”

Lan Wangji thinks perhaps he understands her recalcitrance; Wei Ying has been cultivating resentful energy for so long, flushing it out could be a shock to his system. And, living in Burial Mounds, surrounded by resentful energy, it could easily just make him more vulnerable.

He wishes he could take Wei Ying from here, take them all from here to a place less tainted by death. Perhaps that can eventually be accomplished, but for now he can do nothing.

“I can’t lose hold of it,” Wei Ying murmurs. “Not and control the seal.”

A chill washes through Lan Wangji at the reminder of the weapon, that terrible dark tool that had won the war for the cultivation world, while making Wei Ying a target for the power-hungry. Lan Wangji knows such a tool must be hard to control—even spiritual tools can harm the user when a wielder cannot keep control.

Wen Qing makes a face.

“I wish you’d destroy that awful thing.”

“Can’t. It’s a deterrent. And the backlash from destroying it would be pretty bad.”

Wei Ying sounds almost grieved, as though he would prefer to destroy it.

“If we could ward against the backlash?” Lan Wangji asks.

“It’s the only thing keeping us from being massacred at the moment,” Wei Ying says bitterly. “Otherwise I’d be all for it. The seal recognizes no master, and it’s too dangerous to exist.”

Lan Wangji frowns at the information, concerned. He wonders how much energy Wei Ying has been using to keep it under control—hasn’t, in fact, seen it since his arrival in Burial Mounds. He hopes his husband doesn’t carry it around with him.

Wen Qing finishes placing her needles and stands, and Lan Wangji squeezes Wei Ying’s hand before letting go to pull out his guqin.

He decides to start with a minor healing song, something not terribly invasive, instilling his qi into the notes. Wei Ying’s breathing quickens, and Lan Wangji tries to keep his attention on the music, reminding himself that Wen Qing is the one with medical expertise, is the one monitoring. And, he notices, is directing the spiritual energy into the acupuncture needles.

“Pain?” she asks.

“No,” Wei Ying says, his voice strained. “It’s… warm. Good.”

Lan Wangji lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and turns his attention to the music, letting all his focus go to the task. Wei Ying is always cold, and he idly wonders if that’s what resentful energy feels like—cold. He remembers him shivering with fever in the cave after the battle with the Xuanwu, and wonders if that was more than fever, if perhaps that was in part the cold of the resentful energy from the sword.

Wen Qing eventually touches his shoulder, and he stills his strings. She gestures toward Wei Ying. At a glance, he can already see the bruising has faded. He takes Wei Ying’s hand again and finds his husband is sound asleep, his face utterly relaxed.

“I’d call that a success, at least tentatively,” Wen Qing comments.

She takes Wei Ying’s other wrist, clearly examining his meridians.

“It didn’t clear out much resentment, but that’s expected given we were targeting his muscles. It may have cleared out some of what’s seeped into his body, which would be good.”

“It’s seeped into his body?” Lan Wangji asks, trying not to be alarmed.

She nods, sighing, and begins the process of removing her needles.

“It’s damaging, of course. He doesn’t complain, but we try not to ask him to do too much. He’s probably in some level of pain constantly, and the possession made it worse. I hope this helps.”

Lan Wangji wishes he had known, but also knows there’s little he could have done if he had. Throughout the war, he had watched Wei Ying, taken in his increasingly pinched features, his tense posture, his temper. He had worried it was the resentful energy, and he finds it doesn’t make him happy to have been right. Wei Ying had felt he had to suffer it alone, and now remains quiet about his pain. Perhaps his constant pain contributes to his bad days, as well.

He can see the difference now, how his muscles are relaxed in a way they haven’t been even when Wei Ying slept.

“I think letting him sleep before another session is best,” Wen Qing comments as she removes the last of her needles. “It will allow us to see the impact later.”

He nods, and pulls the blanket up around Wei Ying’s shoulders, tucking it around him—even if the qi warmed him, it would be temporary.

Wen Qing placed the needles back in her basket and stood.

“If he’s up for another round in the afternoon, we’ll try it. I’ll sterilize these just in case.”

She bows, and Lan Wangji returns it as best as he can seated beside Wei Ying and holding his hand.

“I’ll send A-Ning with lunch later. Also, I think one of the aunties will be by to fit you for clothing.”

“Is there anything I can help with?” he asks, though he’s reluctant to leave Wei Ying.

Wen Qing quirks a smile.

“As I told you when you said you were staying, I want you to help Wei Wuxian. He needs your help more than we do.”

He nods, and she leaves, closing the curtains behind her.

Lan Wangji watches Wei Ying sleep for a long while before deciding he can perhaps help him in other ways. He leaves the alcove and returns with a sheaf of Wei Ying’s disorganized and messy notes, setting it on the table beside the bed. Within minutes he transforms the small table into a desk, fresh paper and ink ready for him to work.

At the very least, he can rewrite Wei Ying’s notes, using separate sheets of paper for the different ideas so he can work with them more easily. He has copied and rebound books for the library at Cloud Recesses, after all, and Wei Ying once complimented his calligraphy. Even now, the memory makes his ears heat, as it was very shortly followed by the porn incident.

Of course, they’ve done what was displayed in that book multiple times, so the memory is less embarrassing and more arousing.

With one last glance at Wei Ying peacefully slumbering next to him, he gets to work.

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #chen qing ling #CQL #my fanfiction #wangxian #untamed fanfiction #untamed fanfic #mdzs fanfic #mdzs fanfiction #cql fanfic #cql fanfiction #wei wuxian #wei ying #wen qing #wen ning #lan zhan #lan wangji

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evergreen-dryad · 4 years

Text

like clouds passing by

7 - childhood friends AU - MDZS, Wangxian, early 2000s

—the one where WWX and LWJ are neighbours on the same street, and before WWX moves away he gives LWJ the rabbits they bonded over.

from this list of prompts here for August.

If he were to tell his story, he might have told it thus:

Once, there was a little boy who often played by himself. He lived on a street with two other houses: one red, one purple, his own blue.

When he was younger, Wang Ji had not thought much of people, or of animals. What mattered most were rules, and the fulfilling of them. When things turned out exactly like clockwork, and all words were accounted for.

Days were spent doing schoolwork, practicing calligraphy, and running through scales on the piano after his elder brother had had his turn, with their uncle providing guidance.

It was a peaceful, sleepy existence, and the trees whispered unceasingly at the doors and windows. But things never do stay the same, do they? The blue boy and the boy from the brick-red house met.

This was how it happened.

He had been absorbed in reading, as he had been prone to do as a child. Lan Wang Ji would faithfully parse through each schoolbook, carefully memorising every piece of information, so that it may be laid out for recitation. Teachers had loved him, for he had not been given to noise.

He can't remember what exactly he had been reading anymore, but he remembers he had reached the part about Yu The Great, of how he had redirected the river—

When a terrific shriek had rent the air.

Lan Wang Ji stilled. He remained seated where he was. Slowly, he craned his head outwards, leaning out of the inner shade of the porch.

The wails soon got louder as the source shot into the garden. Wang Ji promptly retracted his head, alarmed at the sight of — another child, howling his head off, hurling curses at whatever was behind him, and then honing in on him.

Wang Ji flinched. Fists tightening, he quickly scooped his book into his lap before the loud footsteps could stomp over it. The strange child, cowering behind him, was now whimpering and murmuring words— Wang Ji realised then he was screaming the same words (don't come here, get away!) – so rapidly, they almost sounded like a mantra.

“Coward!” Another voice echoed over the wall. It whistled, and the puppies that were about to trespass into his garden as well retreated, tails wagging as they bounded back to their owner.

The noisy one behind him moaned some more. He was starting to sound grumpy. “Who wants to play with you anyway!”

A disdainful “Hmph!” sounded before cooing to the puppies: “Love, Jasmine, Princess, let’s go!”

Gagging sounds. “Why did he have to name them like that… they don’t fit their names at all!” Exhaling, the intruder peeked out from behind him. Grey eyes, he realised with surprise. Their lashes were still wet from tears. This person had been genuinely frightened after all. Those eyes locked onto him then.

Silver and gold interlocked at that point.

Wang Ji did not look away. Surprisingly, he found himself holding his breath. Even more surprisingly, the boy in front of him broke into a huge grin.

“Thanks, friend! Those dogs sure were scary, weren’t they!” Once he began, it was as if a dam broke and the chattering flooded out.

Wang Ji, bewildered, and rather annoyed he had been kept from reading, decided this visitor needed showing out. Unbothered, the strange boy got up to follow him.

"Those dogs, ugh! Bark whenever they see anyone! Who says they're just being friendly, they sound so angry, clearly they're about to bite." He shuddered theatrically.

Wang Ji chose to walk faster.

"They chase every living thing under the earth, for no reason why! Just too cruel, nearly scared me and my rabbits to death-! Oh."

The boy actually pouted at him.

"You want me to go already?" Wang Ji was about to tell him to have a good day when the boy leaned in conspiratorially, as if to confide a secret.

"Want to see my rabbits?"

Wang Ji opened his mouth to refuse. He closed it again.

"Rabbits?" He finally spoke to the strange, smiling boy. At his question the boy actually lit up.

"Mn, rabbits! I've two, one white one black. They're really cute~" He said in a singsong manner, arms propped behind his mop of hair.

At this point in time, Wang Ji had still not seen a rabbit in real life, let alone met one. He had only read of them in the fairy-tale books in the library, and occasionally on the television. So he was understandably piqued.

Yet he still hesitated. He wasn't sure if it was okay to just step into another person's residence without prior permission. The boy seemed to pick up on his uneasiness, so he said:

"Wait a mo!"

And off he ran. He shrieked a little as the puppies from next door barked and lunged at him, but fortunately they were leashed this time. Wang Ji watched his back disappear into the house next to the Jiangs’.

He stood there momentarily, before returning to his book left on the porch. This time, he sat on the outer edge.

The sun has gone behind the clouds, he told himself. Late afternoon sunlight spilled over him and the pages, pleasantly warm. Shadows of leaves swayed together with the yellowing light on the grass.

A larger shadow loomed and blotted over the white paper. Wang Ji looked up to see the boy carting two little rabbits by their ears.

He came, laughing and forever unable to stay still, into the quiet garden, bearing two rabbits.

He was shocked speechless.

"What's wrong? Your face got even stiffer than before.” The boy laughed, and presented them to him as if they were hunting trophies. They dangled quietly, without protest. “That surprised to see me?”

He tensed. "Put them down."

The boy looked at him bemusedly. "Ah, so that's what you're worried about." He tucked them into the crook of his arms, hand gently petting them. They really were very docile, Wang Ji noted.

"Doesn't it hurt them?"

“Hmm, my dad likes to lift them up like that, I think they must have gotten used to it." The boy circled a finger around the delicate ear of the white rabbit. It flicked upwards, tickled.

"You shouldn't do that." He said, young face serious.

The boy peered at him, a smile playing about his thin lips. "Relax, I never do it for long. Just did it to surprise you, haha!" He sat down beside him; the rabbits let down into his lap. They scrambled for footing and blinked curious eyes at him, whiskers quivering. One pair red, the other black.

"Want to hold one?" He offered in a softer voice.

Lan Wang Ji stared as the black one sniffed one corner of his book, considering. "Mn." He gingerly brought a finger closer to the twitching nose. A thought suddenly occurred to him. Do rabbits eat paper? Fascinated despite himself, he let the wandering nose creep closer.

(They do.

If Lan Wang Ji ended up with a slightly nibbled page, he did not say a word.)

His finger made contact. The rabbit looked up at him, ears perking.

It gently nosed back, butting his finger.

Wang Ji soon found himself booping a rabbit repeatedly as it raised its head higher and higher, chasing his finger on the way up.

A light laugh drifted next to his ear. Wang Ji glanced at him briefly, and looked away when they made eye contact.

“He just wants you to rub his head properly.” He was informed with a fond smile. The white rabbit remained curled up contentedly in its owner’s lap, watching its companion’s antics with lazy disdain.

So it continued until Lan Wang Ji ended up learning how to hold two rabbits that day, instead of Chapter 7 of the history textbook. The boy wouldn’t go until he had held both in his arms and petted them to his heart’s content, which was …not easy to determine, to say the least.

The boy kept scrutinising his face for any change in detail. What was he looking for?

"You should go soon-”

“Hold them longer. Hug them to your heart! Stare into their eyes!”

“…” He complied. The boy's eyes were too insistent, so he followed each step as bidden. Wang Ji gazed down into the blinking eyes of the rabbits held securely to his chest, and felt ...comforted. It was strangely soothing to feel two little heartbeats next to his own.

“Alright,” he sighed, voice squeaking on the verge of laughter. “I’ll take that as a smile.”

Wang Ji immediately frowned, puzzled. He almost felt for his face. Is that what it was? Why was he so eager to coax a smile out of him?

“You like them, so I’ll bring them over again~” With that, the boy bounded out of the garden into the fading evening light, as silent as he had come. Wang Ji got up—

—and finally noticed his clothes were mussed with small hairs.

// I wrote this in 2019 originally for LWJ’s birthday event, but I never managed to finish it. It’s been lurking since at ~10k words, haven’t written any more of it. Not sure if I will, it’s very long. If anyone’s interested in reading more, I can post the rest of what I’ve written!

So! Much of my childhood ended up bleeding in! I’ve a lot of fond memories like that, aha. Tried to set it in China at first, remembered the 1-kid-rule was in place at that time, gave up.

-have decided to style their courtesy names in canon as their only names in this modern au, hence the space apart.

#au_gust_2020 #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #mdzs #mdzs fanfic #wei wuxian #wei ying #lan wangji #lan zhan #the untamed #cql #childhood friends au #my writing

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if-found-return-to-gusu · 4 years

Text

The Other Shoe

(OOC: Mild content warning. WWX is spiraling here. No threat of self harm but dealing with severe risk of mental shut down)

-------------------

I’m not ready to talk about this.

I don’t know.

I should have seen this coming. There really was no other way this could end.

So the other shoe dropped. It just wasn’t on the foot I was expecting.

I’m… I’m probably being dramatic.

But I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.

Maybe it was because I actually didn’t see this coming. At least not now.

---

I’m okay if I’m not alone. But I can’t expect someone to babysit me.

I don’t mean like I’m gonna do anything to myself or anything….. But actually that’s the problem.

I’m not going to do anything. Nothing. Just like before.

That time too.. This was why…

I’m not ready to talk about this.

But I have to talk about it.

The day… I was so nervous but I was so happy. And at first it went so good.

It was Jiang Cheng’s birthday, which meant it was going to be the opposite of mine. A fancy shindig. A how-to-do of the who’s who.

But for the first time in years his parents weren’t going to be there. Uncle Jiang was out of the country and Madam Yu was off at a charity event. Apparently Jiang Cheng and Shijie had convinced her not to cancel because the publicity would be better for her to be at the event than at his birthday.

I haven’t been to one of these since… well since before I was kicked out even. They took me to some sometimes when they needed to use me as a prop to show how generous they were but it was never one I wanted to go to. And it was never his or Shijie’s birthdays.

We’d hold our own parties anyway. Just the three of us off by the lotus ponds. Those… those were the best. We were happy.

I bought a suit. It’s ruined now. But I bought one. I bought it with my own money. Not the birthday money. Can’t bring myself to touch that. I bought it with my own money.

It’s ruined now.

Sorry I already wrote that.

I bought it for the party. I didn’t want to be an embarrassment. I was finally getting to be with my family. My family.

I’m an embarrassment. I tried so hard. But of course I ruined everything anyway.

I’m nobody. Nothing.

I should never have….

To think I thought I might actually find a place there.

Not with the rich folks. I know that I won’t fit there. But with Jiang Cheng. In his real circle. In his real life.

But I’m… I can’t be there. I’m a shadow on the sidelines of his life. Someone who just shows up and breaks everything.

I’ve probably made things so much worse for him.

I never should have gone to that party. I shouldn’t have answered when he called me. I shouldn’t have let him find me at all.

All of the Jiangs… they’re better without me blackening their name. They didn’t really ask for me. They just needed a kid. Any kid would do. And they were unlucky enough to be landed with me. I should have stayed in the system.

I should have run away.

I should have….

No no stop it. This is the spiral I’m trying to avoid! No Stop it!

-----

Sorry. Sorry. This is just… It’s not as bad as it was before. Before I had nothing. I have so much now. I have the Wens. And the Lan brothers. And new treasured memories with my siblings and my niece and nephew. Even if I probably won’t get any more. Even if… even if this is all I’ll get I’ll treasure each stolen moment.

It’s not as bad as when Wen Qing found me. But it FEELS like it. Just… everything she said to me… everything is rushing back. And it’s just like it was before.

But no it’s not. I’m not 18 anymore. It’s been 10 years. 11. I’m not some poor kid with no connections or money. I’m not alone.

I’m not alone

I am not alone.

I. Am. Not. Alone.

Keep saying it. Keep saying it. Remind yourself. Put it on a piece of paper. Paste it on the walls.

I am not alone.

I’m okay. I’m home alone. And it’s okay. I’ll post this so I can be okay.

Even if I’m alone in my apartment it doesn’t mean I’m alone.

I’m not alone. I’m not unloved. I’m not without family.

I need to remember this now while I’m in the light so I can remember it in the dark.

Okay. Okay.

I bought a suit so I could go to the party. Jiang Cheng offered to buy one for me but I didn’t let him. He probably would have bought a nicer one, but I think I did an okay job. I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb at least.

Everything started out so well. I got a lift to the place and managed to get myself inside with my own golden ticket.

(Yes i know. Invitations to a birthday party. Legit invitation only access. Rich people are just like that™.

But I got in. And there they were. Jiang Cheng was looking smart in royal purple. Never have seen anyone who could pull off that color as well as him. Shijie was next to him in a lovely lilac dress to match him. She’d left her kids at home with her husband. I could see her baby bump. She looked stunning.

And they looked…. They were happy to see me. Jiang Cheng bumped my shoulder and said he was surprised I actually showed up and that he was afraid he’d have to collect me himself.

I wanted to give him a noogie. Didn’t.

I wasn’t going to ruin this.

I did anyway. But not yet. Not yet.

Most of the party went fine. I mingled with some people. Lan Xichen was there. It’s always nice to see him. He’s so pleasant to talk to and seems at home with the mindless smalltalk. His poker face is on point. Nie Huaisang was there which was a very welcome sight after all the gold bars dancing around pretending they gave two shits about my shidi. I didn’t seek him out too much though. We always end up giggling and drawing attention when we’re together. I couldn’t afford to fuck this up. I was determined.

He seemed to understand. Huaisang, you’re a great friend. You really are. I’m sorry…

Ugh.

Okay

It was all going smoothly even if it was a bit dull. There was some elevator music going on and like expensive champagne flutes being carted around. I didn’t take any even though I wanted to down the lot to try and calm my fucking nerves.

People were mingling. Mindless chatter. Meaningless pleasantries. Congratulations, Jiang Wanyin. To your health, Jiang Wanyin. All the Best, Jiang Wanyin.

I wonder how many would have even remembered his name if it hadn’t been on the invitation.

But I was doing well until the gold-painted cinder block parading as a gold bar showed up.

JIn… Zi something. I refuse to remember his name. Jin ZiXuan’s shitty cousin. The one who makes the peacock seem like the greatest guy in the world to hang out with. The guy whose flunkies stabbed me. Captain Constipation himself.

I managed to make it the first couple hours without bumping into him. Because of course he’d be there. All the great families were there and he is, unfortunately, pretty high up on the Jin food chain.

It was almost dinner time. I know that. We were gonna be shuffling off to the dining room.I was headed that way when he slammed into me “accidentally’ spilling his drink all over me. It wasn’t champagne. It was something made to stain. My suit is ruined. That’s not important.

He did some fake apology. Then started going off about he’s surprised I was there. Surprised I was let in with such a tacky suit. Didn’t know this event let in nobodies.

I took it until he started going in on Jiang Cheng. Saying if he was willing to associate with the lowest of the low like me then what was he really worth.

I tried. I wanted to just get past him but he wouldn’t let me.

I got a bit more forceful but I wasn’t gonna hit him. I knew better. I wasn’t gonna hit him because that’s what he wanted. But I had to get past him. So I pushed a little.

And apparently that was enough. He had a couple flunkies (Not the one that stabbed me) come grab at me, saying he was gonna press charges and that he was gonna have to burn his suit to get the poor off of it and that I needed to reimburse him.

Something tore as I tried to get at him. I’d had enough. He wasn’t gonna let me go without a fight then he was gonna get his fucking fight. It didn’t matter anymore. The ruckus was starting to draw people back out from the dining room. He wasn’t exactly being quiet. And then neither was I.

I just wanted to leave. That’s all I wanted to do. I wasn’t even gonna go to the dinner. I was just gonna text Jiang Cheng that something came up and thanks for inviting me and happy birthday and I was gonna go.

But then

I hadn’t seen her in 10 years.

She’s still just as terrifying.

Madam Yu.

Jin Zixun let me go all of a sudden and I knew something was up. And then I heard him bow to someone behind me. All dignified respectability. And when I looked there she was.

I don’t even know how she found out I was even there.

She screamed at me. She always screamed at me. Jiang Cheng came out then at the sound of his mother’s voice.

He tried to defend me. But there is no defence against Madam Yu. And she didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.

I’m nothing but trouble. I cause pain and disruption wherever I go. I can’t help it. I’m a walking disaster. Eventually I find a way to ruin everything. I can’t even go to a party without someone I’ve managed to piss off finds me.

I don’t know when to shut up. I don’t know how to behave. I am a spot on Jiang Cheng’s reputation.

How dare I contact her son? How dare I take advantage of his kind heart.

Jiang Cheng tried to defend me.

It just made it worse.

Because I am a parasite. I take and I take and what do I have to give back? Nothing.

What can I possibly do to repay the kindness others have given me? Nothing.

Nothing I can do will be enough. I can’t pay back my debt.

I’m only alive at all through the kindness of others and I repay them only with shame.

She screamed and screamed but never raised her voice. She is too dignified for that. But all the same she was screaming.

She found out that Jiang Cheng had got me my phone. She smashed it on the ground.

She blamed me for trying to poison her son against her.

Apparently… Apparently he had talked to her after he read my blog. I didn’t know that.

I hadn’t meant for him to find out but he did. And they fought.

I’m just making things worse for the Jiangs. I’m just creating tension where there doesn’t need to be any. If I’d just stayed away…

She told me….

She told me if I ever went near her son again she would file a restraining order. She told me that she would have me imprisoned if she had to. She told me that I was a disgrace.

I ran.

I ran and ran.

I think I heard some people run after me.

I was faster.

I ran.

Just like before I ran.

Just like before.

This was just like before.

Why did I not see this coming?

Jiang Cheng had to sell his apartment. He’s not allowed to come to Gusu for anything not directly related to business.

He’s not allowed to see me.

I’m not allowed to see him.

I ran.

I’ve made everything worse again.

I thought it had been long enough. Jiang Yanli is successfully married off just like Madam Yu wanted. Jiang Cheng is following his father’s footsteps and he’s flourishing just like Madam Yu wanted.

I thought just… just one party would be safe. I see them so little. But it was too greedy.

I’m always too greedy.

I take. All I do is take.

I have nothing worth giving. So I take and take and take.

I… I ran home first. I think I took a bus but I don’t remember most of the trip. I don’t know how long I was there. I was starting to shut down already. It didn’t happen that fast before. It was more than just Madam Yu before. Before I was lost and alone and starving. I was sick. I had tried to fight for a long time before I started shutting down.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even handle a scolding now. I’m so weak. I’m not sick. I’m not homeless. I’m not alone. And still I can feel it looming.

I’m afraid to be alone because if I slip back under I don’t know if I’ll come back out.

I’m scared.

So I ran again. As soon as I realized what was happening I ran.

I didn’t have a way to contact him. I just ran and ran and ran.

I should have called a car. Or at least taken my skateboard. I didn’t think of it. I couldn’t think

I couldn’t think of anything except that I needed him. I needed to not be alone.

So I ran.

By the time I showed up at Lan Zhan’s house I honestly felt like I was dying. I could hardly breathe and there was a stitch in my side so sharp I almost felt like I’d been stabbed again.

But that was good. That kept me aware. It kept me moving. It kept me from shutting down.

I all but slammed on his door. He looked so shocked. He looked scared.

I… I don’t really remember a lot of it. I know I was at the door and then suddenly I was in his lap on the couch. And I was sobbing like a baby. A graceless wail. Shuddering, jerking sobs.

I don’t know how long I was there. I know we talked. I think I tried to tell him what happened but I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t think about it.

I probably made no sense. Probably just scared him even more.

I calmed down eventually. Somewhat anyway. Externally at least.

He was so gentle with me. Even though I burst in on his night. Even though there had to be a million things he’d rather have been doing. Lan Zhan is so good. He’s too good to me.

I don’t deserve it.

He said something to me. I don’t remember anymore but I know I responded reasonably. But he was so gentle. I started crying again and he just let me. He comforted me.

At some point he wrapped me up in a blanket and he put Suibian in my lap. That helped for a minute. She’s so sweet. She’s at least one creature in this world I can do something good for. Even if it’s just helping feed her and pet her where she likes.

He left to make me some hot chocolate. Hot chocolate that he only has in his apartment because I like it. He doesn’t drink it.

I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any of this.

I don’t deserve anything.

I’m not worth it. Not worth it.

I should have left but I couldn’t get myself to move. I think I was still petting Suibian. I don’t remember. I don’t… I don’t know what happened there but the next thing I was aware Lan Zhan was in front of me, looking slightly panicked.

He said something but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t respond.

He sat next to me and pulled me close.

It helped. I started to talk

I tried to tell him what happened. I didn’t make any sense.

He must have understood some of it though. He was shaking.

Was he angry? Did he agree with her? Did he finally realize how worthless I am? How I’ll only ever drag him down?

He pulled away from me. Clearly he was disgusted.

I panicked. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to be alone.

I begged him to stay with me. I was panicking. I didn’t know what I’d do if he left me then. I was so scared.

Please. Please. Please.

Don’t leave me alone.

“Not alone. Never alone. I promise,” he said.

He sat back down. And I sobbed again.

I cried and cried and cried. I think he held me again. I think I remember being on his lap.

I cried and cried and cried until eventually I fell asleep.

But sleep was okay. Sleep was safe. Sleep is a reprieve. I won’t stop if I’m asleep.

I’m afraid of stopping. Not of sleeping. Sleep was safe.

Especially with Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan is safe. Lan Zhan keeps me safe.

Lan Zhan won’t leave me alone.

He promised.

I slept and slept and slept.

I don’t remember falling asleep but I remember waking up in Lan Zhan’s bed. He was holding me. It was sunny outside. Peering through the window.

Everything was fuzzy. My mind, my vision, my nerves. Everything was buzzing. My eyes were sore. My head was throbbing.

Lan Zhan was there. He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone. Lan Zhan is safe. Lan Zhan is honest. Lan Zhan keeps his promises.

Lan Zhan promised me I wouldn’t be alone. So I’m not alone.

I twisted so I could bury my face in his chest. I could feel his strength under his sleep shirt. I could feel his heart beating against my skin.

Thump-bum. Thump-bump. Thump-bum.

I focused on that sound.

He asked me what I wanted to eat. I could feel his voice shaking around in his chest. I didn’t want to eat anything. The thought of it twisted my stomach. It made an unpleasant noise. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to sleep more.

Sleep was safe. Lan Zhan was safe. I was warm and secure. I just wanted to sleep.

But then he mentioned that Qin Su had made my favorite chocolate turnovers.

ANd I realized

Work. We were late for work! I’d fucked up again. God Damnit.

I shot up. I couldn’t keep ruining things!

Lan Zhan said that we didn’t have work today. That he’d had it covered.

I told him he couldn’t just keep putting off work for me like this.

He shook his head and repeated “Not today.” And then he looked at me and told me that it was a family emergency.

And…

I think that broke me.

It was too much. I do nothing but take but I couldn’t take this. I’d ruined one family already by trying to join it. I wouldn’t ruin him.

I told him that we weren’t family. That I don’t have a family.

I won’t have a family. I don’t want to ruin anyone else.

I cried again I think. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know how I even had any tears left.

He held me the entire time.

I cried.

Eventually I ran out of tears again and even felt the knot in my stomach loosen enough that I thought I might be able to handle some food.

Lan Zhan said he was gonna go get me something. I hadn’t eaten since the morning before.

He got up to leave again. Because he can’t stay in front of me 24 hours a day.

I know that

But I panicked again.

I grabbed his arm. I just needed to make sure. Lan Zhan is safe, but I had to make sure.

I asked him if he was going to come back.

He smoothed my hair away from my face and promised he would.

I nodded and forced myself to let go. He left for a moment. He just went down the hall. I could hear his footsteps. I sat there and listened. If I could still hear him I wasn’t alone yet.

He came back quickly and dumped bunnies on the bed with me. Suibian and Bichen.

It made me laugh a little. He actually got me to laugh. My chest felt lighter even for just that moment.

Suibian curled up next to me right away. I had to coax Bichen over. She looked uncertain but eventually gave in.

I laid on my side and she curled up against my tummy.

They helped. They helped for a little.

But…

I… My thoughts started to spiral again. I was slipping again.

I didn’t even realize Lan Zhan was back until all of a sudden he was holding me again. I pressed closer to him.

I wasn’t alone.

I’m not alone.

I’m not.

He told me he’d brought food. I eventually found the strength to sit up to eat them.

The chocolate turnovers that Qin Su made for me. One of my favorites.

I couldn’t taste them. But she made them for me. That wasn’t lost on me. She made them to make me feel better.

I’m not alone.

Lan Zhan pulled the hair tie out of my hair. Very carefully. And he started to brush my hair. I must have looked like a mess.

He was so careful and gentle. It felt so nice.

He kept going even after he got all the tangles out.

I felt better.

I thanked him for taking such good care of me but before I could finish that thought we hear---

JEEZUS FUCK. Sorry. There’s someone at the door??? Who would be here this late??

I’ll finish this later.

#wei ying #wei wuxian #mo dao zu shi #the untamed #cql #mdzs #fic #Long Post #(Modern AU!)

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bottomlwjrights · 4 years

Text

MO DAO ZU SHI REREAD:Thoughts™️....and Stuff

Chapter 40

“They should’ve been able to talk, to say who they were, to shout for help. However, the awful thing was that somebody had cut all of their tongues off before this.” In case i havent said it enough, i hate Xue Yang!!!!

I dont have anything funny or witty to say, this whole situation is just sad

“She instinctively hated him and refused to settle. And so, whenever Xue Yang went out night-hunting with Xiao XingChen, she’d secretly follow them. Even when they were in the same house, she didn’t lower her guard.” She lived constantly on guard for, what, years?

Nobody told xxc stories when he was a kid, which I believe to be a crime

The first disciple to leave the mountain, YanLing DaoRen, was an excellent and renowned cultivator, but suddenly became a villian for some unknown reason and died under thousands of swords, according to xxc (parallels wwx a little)

“‘The second disciple was a girl and also very outstanding.’ Wei WuXian’s chest felt warm. She was ZangSe SanRen.” 🥺

“How would an outstanding and beautiful cultivator settle on a servant. This story’s so cliche. It’s probably made up by some poor scholar.” Oh little A-Qing... (wait this mirrors lwj and wwx’s love story, except of course the death part, because in my eyes they just cultivate to immortality and live happily ever after, together forever)

Shut up, wwx, you’re not a villain

Xxc describing sl makes me uuuh wanna cry “A very good friend of mine.” “A sincere man of noble nature.”

Shut the fuck up Xue Yang, no body cares

SHUT UP XXC CARRIED A-QING TO BED THATS ADORABLE 🥺 BIG BRO XINGCHEN EVEN TUCKED HER IN

Shut up!!!! He went and got her candy!!!! And then gave her candy everyday!!!!

Sl said to A-Qing the exact same the xxc said to her, like almost word for word... hold i...

Also note that wwx said they must have been very good friends to be so much alike

Why did he hesitate???

“Song Lan answered straight away, ‘His height is similar to mine. His appearance is rather fine. His sword is carved with patterns of frost.’” Dont ask why this drove me crazy

Sl was looking for xxc for years....

“For some reason, Song Lan’s face was extremely pale. He stared at the door of the coffin home, as if he would rush inside if he could, but was too scared to do so.”

“The instant he heard the [xxc’s] voice, Song Lan’s hands trembled so much that A-Qing could clearly see it.”

Sl was so angry his entire body was shaking

Xy is disgusting

After the attack of Baixue temple, while injured, sl said some nasty things to xxc....sounds alot like the aftermath of Nightless City....

“Who was the one who said ‘from now on, we won’t need to meet again’? Wasn’t it you, Daozhang Song? He listened to your request and disappeared after he dug out his eyes for you, but why have you come to him now?” Shut up shut up shut up

Fuck Xue Yang!!!!

“Song Lan looked down at Shuanghua’s blade, which penetrated his heart, then slowly looked up again. He saw Xiao XingChen, who calmly held the sword.” Im gonna cry

“Slowly, Song Lan fell to his knees before Xiao XingChen.” Yup im crying

“At such a time, if Song Lan passed his sword to Xiao XingChen’s hands, Xiao XingChen would’ve immediately known who he was. He’d be able to recognize the sword of his closest friend with just a touch.” He would have known sl’s sword by just a touch....

Sl didnt pass his sword to xxc so that he didnt have to bear the burden of knowing he killed him.....

“...large drops of tears rolled from her eyes. Although she was scared, A-Qing reached out to close Song Lan’s eyes. She then kneeled in front of him and put her palms together, ‘Daozhang, please don’t blame me or the other daozhang.’”

She kowtowed in front of sl’s body....

A-Qing is smart and quick witted, pulling such a fast lie like that

“Cut a few dozens of times on her face so that she’ll never have the guts to go outside again.” 😧

How xy can say something like that and then offer up a plate of bunny shaped apple slices that he cut himself is beyond me

“Looking at the plate of cute, delicate slices, disgust filled both A-Qing’s and Wei WuXian’s hearts.” Yeah me too

(Chapter 41 & Chapter 42 below the cut)

Chapter 41

A-Qing didnt wanna tell xxc about sl...

“The blood grew more and more and eventually leaked through the bandages, trickling down from where his eyes once were.” God he’s crying ....

“Originally, the injury of his eyes would bleed whenever he had excessive thoughts or emotions, but it hadn’t recurred in quite a long while.” I hate this

“...after Xiao XingChen managed to calm down, he told A-Qing, ‘A-Qing, run away.’” I hate this so much

“I can’t go. I need to find out what exactly he’s trying to do...If I left him here alone, I’m afraid that the people of Yi City would sink into his hands.” Y’all gotta stop with this selfless,self sacrificing, being a good caring person shit man, its okay to save yourselves sometimes

“A-Qing’s sobs weren’t faked anymore. She tossed the bamboo pole to the side and clung to Xiao XingChen’s leg...”

“Xiao XingChen asked coldly, ‘Was it fun?’ Xue Yang took another bite into the apple that was still in his hand. He only replied after calmly chewing for a while and swallowing the fruit, ‘Yes. Of course it was fun.’” I hate him

Even the idea that xy did all this because he was bored...

“My finger was my own, while those lives were other peoples’. They wouldn’t be equal no matter how many lives I killed. It was only around fifty. How could it have possibly been equal to one of my fingers?” I cannot even begin to express my disgust...

This is all so sad....

“… Is that you, ZiChen?”

“Even if the two swords had just clashed, Xiao XingChen should be able to tell who the other was from only the strength of the attack...He turned around slowly and reached out a quivering hand, feeling for the blade of Song Lan’s sword.”

“… ZiChen… Daozhang Song… Daozhang Song… Is that you…?” Im crying again

And he’s crying nonstop

“… What happened…? Say something…”

“Xiao XingChen stood blankly in front of Song Lan. Putting his hands on his head, he wailed as though he was ripping his chest apart.” I cant handle this shit im about to stop reading

Fuck you, Xue Yang

“At this moment, Wei WuXian saw himself in Xiao XingChen. Him, who failed miserably as he stood drenched in blood, who couldn’t do anything except silently acknowledge the critiques and accusations, who was wholly beyond hope, who could only cry in despair!” Yeah i didnt need that in the middle of all this

“He could only whimper in pain, ‘Please. Let me go.’” Im really going through it

They all died in such horrific ways

Thank goodness thats over!!!!

Chapter 42

Wwx really implied that xy killed Chang Ping as revenge for xxc huh....wow no

Even in death, A-Qing is brave. Thank you for your contribution in ending that mf

Lwj cuts off xy’s arm when he reaches towards wwx

There was so much blood on the ground that wwx almost slipped in it, gross

Lmao i didnt think lwj would be the one to just toss a pouch to someone but here we are

Wn just squatting on the ground, chillin

Okay yanno what im still confused as hell as to why the juniors were lead to yi city...

God that makes me so angry, Xue Yang keeping the piece of candy for years and holding onto it when he died, like even the idea that he liked xxc and still decided to torture him to death good lord

“Lifting up the hem of his robes, Lan WangJi stepped over the high threshold in an elegant manner, then nodded.” Wwx just looks at lwj do literally anything and is just like “he’s so elegant 😍 so graceful 🥰 look at my lan zhan, so pretty 🥰😍🥰”

“When he wakes, say I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault.” Wow....

“He still wore the dark cultivation robes. Standing alone, he carried two swords, Shuanghua and Fuxue, he brought two souls, Xiao XingChen and A-Qing, and walked another path.” Wow.... i wish for you the best, Song Lan

Lsz standing and wondering if xxc and sl would ever meet again....

I agree with jl, death is too light of a punishment for xy

Lmfnck ljy cried the loudest out of everyone sjnckck

The juniors light incense and burning paper money for them 🥺 they’re so sweet

ItS nOt lIkE yOuVE DiEd HoW wOuLd YoU KnOw iF DeaD pEoPle ReCiEve PaPeR MonEY

PLEASE WATCH YOUR MOUTH JINGYI

“How come? Was I really that much of a failure? Was there not a single person who burned paper money for me? Was it really because nobody burned them that I didn’t receive any?” STOOOOOP

“Looking at his calm face, Wei WuXian thought to himself, Really? Had he really not burnt anything?!” Okay i don’t remember if he actually did or not but nonetheless this shit hurted

The hunter was probably the same person who lead them together to yi city with the corpses, BUT WHY THO

Awwww wwx happy to see Lil Apple

Stop teasing jl, wwx, its not nice

Even though the lookout towers are a good idea, and benefit smaller more remote towns, i cant help but wonder if there was some kind of ulterior motive behind them

“Almost all of the dishes were covered in red. Paying attention to Lan WangJi’s chopsticks, he notes that he ate mostly from the milder dishes, rarely the bright-red ones. Even when he did, his expression remained the exact same. Wei WuXian felt something tug at his heart.” uGGgGgGHhHhH

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a-very-fond-farewell · 4 years

Text

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 24/?

Role-reversed!AU (Song[Xiao]Xue): “Love at First Sight”

[villain!SL/investigator!XY]

[title is from a Kylie Minogue’ song and from nowhere else fight me]

[so. me is embarrassed to say this but. the idea comes from an Italian movie of the late 90’s.]

[which is to say that: (1) Italian comedies are rarely my thing bc they are (pardon my French, I don’t feel like switch to Italian rn) problematique most of the times; (2) it’s been 10 or so years since I last saw this particular movie and even if at the time I liked it I was probably sixteen at the time so... not the best judge also my memory is shit for actual plot points; (3) internalized homophobia runs in the Italian film industry; (4) it deals with criminal gangs and, even if the movie makes fun of them, it is still a sore topic in my country so... I’m not gonna go in detail for this ficlet. it is, in fact, just a prompt; (5) also there is a cop character and... well, I changed it into a private investigator bc fuck it; (6) ignore me, I’m emotional tonight.]

Married off. Him. To a lovely girl, for sure, but with a penchant for pickpocketing and letting her mouth run at the most inconvenient of times. The wedding is in six months. Song Lan has to laugh at that.

But Mother has been almost too complacent with him for the longest time, allowing him to play his games and get it on with too many women for him to care to keep track of. He may or may not have disrespected some of them and their powerful families in the past for being a serial womanizer. There’s a logic behind it, of course, but since his eye surgery he cannot seem to remember what that could have possibly been at the time.

The worst of all being that he doesn’t remember why he ever found women attractive in the first place. People of the Baixue Clan tried to cheer him up to no avail for months. They took him to brothels, called in his favorite rent-girls, tipped them extra, brought him out of town on vacation to distract him, but... nothing.

He feels like crying sometimes. He’s done. Broken. Nobody will ever take him seriously anymore now that he’s nothing but his mommy’s boy. Forget for a minute that his mother is keeping the entire Yi City in check by enforcing her law on other clans. Let alone that her word has ruled over rascals and rogue hotheads for decades just by letting them hear her name. BaoShan Sanren would have not forgiven him for turning down the daughter of a competing family, that’s for sure.

Sometimes Song Lan looks down at himself, dressed in ridiculously flashy buttondowns open at the collar, with black jackets and fitting trousers, embezzled shoes on his long feet... and he wants to shriek. He hates everything about himself and he doesn’t know where to start. He doesn’t recognize himself anymore, almost as if his mind had changed about everything he believed to know.

At least he can see again. That should be enough, right?

It should have seen it fucking coming, Xue Yang knows this much.

A bullet to the heart would have hurt him less, but it’s been a year since his husband’s death and he’s done. He’s fucking done. Throwing himself away like that, recklessly accepting new cases one after the other just because. He’s got nothing to come home for anyway.

But as he disinfects the slash of a dagger on his shoulder, he wonders if there’s more to life than this. A dirty bathroom where he and his husband used to shave in the morning together before work. A stuffy apartment filled with unwanted memories. Mold on the ceiling, laughter rising to the sky every night before Xiao XingChen died. Before everything else left with him.

Xue Yang flinches when the alcohol stings badly on the cut and he chugs some vodka down for good measure as he prepares to stitch the gaping wound back together. The flame scorches the needle until it becomes almost white and he wonders, not for the first time, how it would feel to just... stop. He cried so much he doesn’t have tears left anymore.

The last time he saw his husband’s beautiful face it was at the morgue, where a dispassionate woman in white had asked him to confirm his identity. She asked him if he had formally agreed to put his husband’s name on the list of organ donors. He refused in the beginning... and then thought about it. About what his righteous husband would have wanted him to do.

Letting go of him –of any part of him, really– so soon tore him apart.

Since there was nothing left of Xiao XingChen, it was just right for not a single thing of Xue Yang to be left in his wake as well.

Well, aside from the pain. But that was to be expected after all.

He had never deserved anything but pain in his life.

Fuck that. Fuck that shit.

Mother asked him to look for a mole in the group, but he found a mere nobody snooping around in their area instead. Searching for what, he doesn’t know. But, as he crowds the other man in a dark alley behind the secret entry of their club, Song Lan cannot help himself from staring.

The laundromat from where their regular patrons usually enter to play is open 24/7, the flickering light coming from its open door casting just... the loveliest shadows on the younger man’s face. He’s shorter, much shorter than him. Possibly in his early thirties. Dressed nicely with a gun pointed at Song Lan... but he doesn’t care.

It’s almost as if something has fallen back in its original place and Song Lan is filled with elation. He has never felt more relieved or happy in his life. It feels like a second chance at life, an opportunity he doesn’t want to let slide through his fingers this time around.

He grasps the other man’s hand holding the gun and directs it upwards in a swift move. A bullet cuts through the air as he pushes the shorter man up to the laundromat window, neon lights dancing on Song Lan’s face. Soon people from the club will rush to his aid, knowing full well that he’s out looking for a snitch. He doesn’t have time, so he takes a good look at the person at his mercy.

He knows him.

And he falls in love, immediately.

The shot still rings in his ear, the gun burning in his outstretched hand, now caught in a vicious grasp. Xue Yang flinches as he looks up and gets ready to defend himself. He was just following a useless son of a bitch lying to his wife about not playing cards and losing all of their money. He would have never thought it would turn so bad so soon. Usually he gets away quickly enough, running for his life as usual...

...but this is different.

His gaze meets Xiao XingChen’s eyes and he freezes on the spot. He would recognize them anywhere, the same glassy quality to them, the same softness around them. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Because the one in front of him looks nothing like his husband.

And yet he knows him.

He knows what it feels to be looked with fondness and longing by one Xiao XingChen.

Fuck, he missed that.

He missed that so much.

[additional nonsense under the cut, bc. I am me]

[the original movie is a comedy, but I saw this post while I was writing the prompt and now it’s a fucking urban-noir kind of deal baby!]

[am I procrastinating another ficlet (slowly turning into a 20k monster bc I’m stupid) by writing this prompt instead? no. what are you talking about?]

[i wanted SL to have a family, but I had no idea what the people at the Temple would have looked like or acted around him, so I imagined BaoShan Sanren hoarding children as she goes (which is canon anyway) but she’s a villain in this bc I’m an asshole.]

[SL is the only one of her children to have an actual father, hence he’s the only one with a last name different from Sanren (which I know is a title but let. me. live. *kissy face* :* :* :* many thanks.]

[I offer Lan QiRen as a tribute for fatherhood, even if I know SL’s surname is written like “mist”, while the Lan Sect is named after the character for “blue”. but let me dream.]

[also I just like the idea of SL’s auntie or big sister being WWX’s mother for no other reason that this is a silly prompt and I need to fill these additional notes with something vaguely resembling a plot.]

[if you want another role-reversed!au check this other (wangxian) prompt of mine. then check all the others and have fun.]

[in the movie there was a scene where the widower runs on a horse to save the man he (begrudgingly) has come to care about from his wedding.]

[for the majority if not the entirety of the movie the widower sees something of his dead wife in the criminal (who received the wife’s eyes through transplant) and denies any attraction to him until the end... even if he runs away with him.]

[the criminal has changed since the transplant and became somewhat a decent person. in the end he runs away with the widower.]

[I wanted actual romance, not plausible deniability, thanks. hence this stupid prompt someone might like, maybe.]

[if you write something based on this prompt (the most angsty or hurt/comfort-y the better, but also fluff or *coughs*smut*coughs* is good) send me an ask. I want to read it! :D]

ok now I go back to my 20k-and-counting monster fic. bye!!

#songxuexiao #songxue #xiaoxue #mdzs #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #cql #the forbidden crack! untamed prompts #mdzs/au: modern #mdzs/au: noir #mdzs/au: role-reversed

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