#having a hard day. bleh

[rexscanonwife]

I wanna talk today. I wanna develop my potential ship with Miss Pauling some more 🥺💖💖

It's lowkey because I think it'd be really funny that scout is my brother and has been trying to get with her for YEARS and also potentially slightly angsty since we've always been so close and that might cause a rift/rivalry between us but also?? She's just so CUTE, I really wanna reread the comics because she's soooo so precious in them 🥺💘💘💘💘

LOOK AT HER IN HER LITTLE DUNGEON MASTER GETUP FROM ONE OF THE HALLOWEEN COMICS😭😭

#jane journals #self insert talk #crush: 👓 #ahfjgkg im reading it now and first of all. TF2 COMICS ARE SO FUNNY HOW DO I FORGET THAT #how does it have perfect comedic timing 😂 as a COMIC #it helps with the formatting on the website tbh #but sjfkgm its SO cute its implied that the game was her idea and literally no one else plays it 😂😂 #but she wanted to spend time with them!! #its probably her one day off that year and she chose to spend it with them 🥺🥺🥺🥺 #and scout trying SO hard to be into it for her 😂 gotta admit its...kinda sweet #but hes a jock through and through #anyways WEH 🥺🥺 #maybe when i get home ill sketch something #im at work rn. bleh.

[bucketofchum]

The worst thing about the atrocities committed against the Native Americans is that we have basically forgotten their history. I mean, we'll mention it briefly, but it's barely taught and basically never discussed.

The most tragic thing about those atrocities today is that we are seeing the same exact ones playing out right now. 200 years later. We see exactly what the white colonizing people of European descent did to the indigenous people of the Americas, and we see that white colonizing people of European descent are currently doing that to the indigenous population of Palestine.

And I can't even talk about it like that to people because people don't even recognize the first as an atrocity bc they don't know about it. And they don't know about the latter either.

The "Reservations". The "West Bank". "Gaza".

These are tiny tiny patches of land - crumbs - of an entire land that used to be native. All of Palestine used to be theirs. All of Turtle Island used to be theirs. White colonists of European descent fucking obliterated the indigenous population to take over their land. It happened then and it's happening now. And people aren't fucking listening.

#bleh it's so hard to talk about this to people who just DON'T BE KNOWING #it HURTS MY HEART AND MY BRAIN #i literally spent 3 days with a friend who doesnt believe the US is imperialistic #it's SO hard to explain this to people who have spent 30 years steeped in the white narrative #it FEELS BAD MAN #vent

[deityofhearts]

I think the worst part is that i still love and care about people even when it hurts and i wish i didn’t

#deity dialogue #I want to be able to say that one day I’ll stop caring and I’ll move on from loving people but I won’t #people will always have a place in my heart and I kinda hate it #once again a ‘fae complains about loving people too much and too easily and then feels stupid about it’ moment #I suppose there are worse problems than loving easily and too much and getting too attached to people what feels like permanently #but like I’m allowed to acknowledge it #sometimes I wish I didn’t still care about people so much but I’d feel awful if I stopped because I genuinely just love people so much and #am always hoping for the best for people bleh #I just also hope to recieve as much love as I feel and give eventually #there are people who love me though and make that known and I’m very thankful for that! it’s a nice change from how things were growing up #even if it’s hard to believe that people actually mean it when they say they love me but that’s one of the things I hope to get better abou #one day!! #idk what this post is feel free to ignore everything here lol

[glowingsand]

normal about 236 now. anyway imagine if the characters were emotionally attached to each other the way i am to them

#idk the emotional dependence every character has on each other / is supposed to have w each other is less present #i feel like it’s mainly bc the manga is being rushed to end by this year but like. #why do their relationships have to feel so much less intimate T-T #every event that’s happened so far just feels bleh bc of the lack of emotion….like stsg hit hard bc we saw how connected they are to e other #even nobara’s last appearance (so far…she’s coming back i saw the google docs outline for the manga) was so heavy #bc of how important she was to every other character emotionally. #but like you don’t feel that w itafushi anymore or megumi and gojo or even megumi and tsumiki. that last one hurt me sm i was expecting more #ok that’s my speech ​i literally thought bout this while in physics class today SKSJKSJSKJSS it’s been a long day #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk 236 #jjk spoilers

[be-good-to-bugs]

2023 / oh to be such a lesbian that your crush turns into a god and changes the laws of the universe itself in order to change your fate. meduka meguka you truly are like no other.

#madoka magica #pmmm #madoka kaname #magical girl #puella magi madoka magica #fanart #orbs art #anyway. these were quick lazy stuff but im very happy with them. trying very hard to change how i draw #i need to be more chill and silly about it. feeling to stiff and bleh about drawing lately. this was v good for me #i had wanted to shade this but itd take so much effort to shade the lineless and the lined its not really worth it #i think it looks good as is and ik id just get bored and then never finish this drawing ever if i tried to shade it #anyway. just rewatched this show and. its so good. it like. changed something in me when i first watched it 6 years ago #and not exaggerating. i have though about this show almost every single day since then. my brain ran with the whole concept #thats good though. its been 1 of 2 main focuses since i was 11. it means a whole lot to me. when i finally learned of and watched rebellion #my little brain was ecstatic. i hadnt felt joy love and inspiration like that in such a long time and i havent since. #idk. its my only main special interest that wasnt tainted by others thinking it was stupid. hell even my mo watched the show and loved it #anyway ill stop talking now uh. its 6am and im rambling. not that i wouldnt do that at 6pm too

[orcelito]

Summary of my night:

Trigun shirt: Get

Undercut: Shaved (plus a lil whoopsie)

Fascinating seeing the (very overgrown) undercut hair vs the ends of my mane. Apparently I really do have the sun golden look rn

#speculation nation #i really did just have an absolutely awful day at work and went home to cut my hair about it #i was planning on doing this soon anyways. bought some clippers for it #bc i decided i didnt wanna wait for someone else to cut it. #it was... kind of hard to do by myself. and it's certainly not a perfect job #but it's functional. and it'll be hidden by the rest of my hair anyways. #i bought the shirt online. earlier in the week. it just happened to get here today. #and it is now 3 am and i have yet to eat dinner... bleh

[dreamlogic]

...

#shit chat #disordered eating cw #how to. politely ask my housemate to stop fucking telling me about her diet progress #she's trying to lose weight cause she's a musician & her band is traveling to this big thing at the end of the month #by doing really strict by-weight portion control and it does NOT seem healthy #she's trying to get back to her 'italy weight' and like. girl. u went to italy in high school 10 years ago & biked everywhere for a month #if you are at that same weight a decade later without exercise by simply making yourself eat less food there is a problem! #that is not aspirational that's horrifying!!! no u don't look hot in your gig outfit from 2013 you look disproportionately skinny! #so i gotta sit her down at some point and be like listen. ur an adult ur gonna do what you do #& i know ur industry puts insane pressure on women to look a certain way on stage. #but as someone with a history of disordered eating i will not cheer you on and support your 'progress' #and quite honestly it makes me uncomfortable to even talk about it and see your stupid little diet scale on the kitchen counter every day!! #i strongly associate weight loss with poor health for a number of reasons #and firmly believe that weight gain is cool and sexy and that everyone should be less afraid of being actually!!! #it was a struggle w/ dysmorphia for a while but putting on some chub is one of the best things i've been able to do for my body as an adult #i love my squishy tummy and hearing you obsess about having a perfectly flat (ie concave) abdomen daily is deeply saddening!!! #bleh. it's hard. i feel like i should gently intervene but also i do not want to get involved bc it's more than i can handle rn #*less afraid of being fat actually

[keeps-ache]

hmmmm. you agree right? [<- just walked into the room]

#just me hi #i'll take that as a yes :3 #//anyway. guts #just that. guts #guts #guts.. #//got my clip studio workspace back in order!! the world is back in balance :DD #i just have to figure out my palette problem lol #which isn't so hard - it just takes a little while and i don't like that hfvsh #//guts................. #//mmmmgh my memory is all jumbled lol #were these things that i remember or are they things i heard about ? or did i dream them or imagine them on a sleepy day ? #it feels familiar but is that because i've seen it before or because it didn't register as foreign ? time and space really is an illusion #bhscbsh #eh bleh! anyway #//i've been learning have yourself a merry little christmas for 3 days now #i could not even comprehend the sheet like 5 years ago lol #i'm smoothing it out :D my tempo is all wrong but who care :33 #//i'm gonna write n draw now #my everything feels so bare without all my art n files n things ykno? yeaa #but fresh start :> yehaw !!

[angeloftrumpets]

Very sick now unfortunately

#idk what i got in assuming it's a fever or a cold not sure #the other day i was at the food bank and spent like 3 hours gettiny rained on in th freezing cold and im assuming thats what caused it #but bleh #ive had a weird week #thinking so hard about toon though < -- home made medicine fr #recebtly got a package in yhe mail from my mom and its just an entire bible with 5 billion notes from her with a lot of negativity but #got to have fun and skim around for certain verses that tall about gab #i recently hinted over crushing on toon to my brother and hia reaction was pretty funny and i barely got to explain aby of it but its always #fun to freak out my shitty family #personal

[rttenboy]

its. saddening seeing how ambivalent everyone around me is to the fact that im back on t actually

#family is kinda iffy abt it bc they still dont respect me #friends ive told have had very neutral responses of just like. 'hey thats great good for you' and changing the subject right after #and im over here so full of excitement i just wanna burst #idk im sad #ig i just wanted someone to celebrate with me haha #and it feels like noone really cares #:( #im sure thats not true im sure some ppl do and it doesnt help that im isolating this hard and havent told a lot of my friends #but im. overjoyed. and noone else seems to care as much? #bleh. im overthinking #anxiety has been bad the past few days so im probably just. black and white thinking

[iheartmyipod]

dont understandhow people are able to get into 50000 things at once.my brain can only think of one single thing for 7-13 months and then i get so sad because it becomes like hot cheetos that you eat every day and its gross and weird now.....(dont eat exclusively hot cheetos for months btw.yu will never know peace in your.organs.) and then and only then does my brain decide to latch onto something else and the cycle continues...what will be my next victim...

#the last process was sonic > original characters who were largely made so i could stop messing up sonic in my head. it worked btw #dont know if i used the words process or largely correctly.<failing high school english #and with ocs its like am i ever going to escape this. there are infinite possibilities how will i ever get bored. they are my everythings #anyway this post is about how badly i want to get into splatoon and my little pony and kingdom hearts and a billion other things... bleh #i love mlp but lately i have such a hard time finishing shows for some reason #when i got into sonic i spent literally all my free time watching 7+ hour long videos of gameplay cus i couldnt play the games #myself . and now i cant even sit still long enough to watch 10 minute videos i think i need stim toys or something #the only times i really sit still and watch something is when i am snacking .... but even then sometimes i cant because my chewing is too lo #ud to hear wats going on LOL #the stars need to align perfectly for me to do anything ever at all. the only thing i like spending hours on is figuring out ipod stuff #IPOD STUFF IS SO FUN THO CUS IT REQUIRES ME TO GO ALL OVER THE PLACE TO UNDERSTAND WAT TO DO. I LOVE IPOD #other then that i spend my days playing solitaire and listening to emo music... sigh. I NEED FRIENDS. #hi tumblr btw hiiiiiiii

[dawnslight-aegis]

30. amity

As Aymeric stared up at the enormous, one-eyed form of Vrtra, satrap of Radz-at-Han and youngest of the First Brood, he found himself momentarily speechless at the very concept. Only a few short years ago, Ishgard’s borders had been closed, and he would have been dead at the bottom of Witchdrop for even considering the possibility of international amity with a nation ruled by a Fury-forsaken dragon.

But Vrtra had ruled Thavnair fairly and well for centuries, had personally given the scales that had shielded his men from tempering in Garlemald and elsewhere – the large swath of exposed flesh on his side was reminder enough of that. And then for him to invite the leader of a city known for its skills in the slaughter of Vrtra’s kind while thus weakened – it went against every single tenet by which he had been raised and lived most of his adult life.

However, he had become accustomed to rapid change, oft heralded by the two women who sat at the nearby table, chatting quietly. Recovering his wits, Aymeric bent in a bow. “Thank you for the invitation, satrap Vrtra. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

A deep, rumbling voice issued forth from the wyrm, but in the common tongue rather than the dragonspeak his elder brothers had favored, “You are welcome on Thavnair’s shores, Lord Speaker. Sit, and take your ease.”

“If we have to start standing on ceremony, I’m going to go eat in my room. Leave the damned politics in Ishgard,” Estinien grumbled, off to his left.

Aymeric tipped his head at the former preminent dragonslayer of Etheirys as he took the seat next to him, smiling faintly. “You say that, but the longer you stay here, the longer I’m tempted to make you an official ambassador between Ishgard and Radz-at-Han. You are rather uniquely suited for it, after all.”

Grey eyes narrowed and pinned him with a glare. “Don’t. I haven’t your talent for speeches, nor your taste for rubbing elbows with important people.”

#I had much grander plans for this one but writing on the weekends is HARD for me #which is why saturday prompts were usually done on the monday mornings of make up days but #not an option this time #so have a little snippet of something I intend to write more on later #aymeric+vrtra is such a weighty thing to think about and I wanna do it properly sometime #thavnair is a shining fucking example of how man and dragon can not only coexist but thrive #it also happens to be where half his wife's family is from #bleh I wanted to end on a better note BUT #I did it I wrote things for all 30 days!!! #ffxivwrite #ffxivwrite 2023

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oof. it as been a very very long day. so much talking. all day talking and interviews #and so far my feelings are mixed. bc it is a smaller university and its underfunded and cost of living is kinda high #and the town is small and isolated. HOWEVER #the faculty feels like a strong community and theyre all amazing scientists who choose to b there bc the quality of life is so high #they seem extremely supportive and the fact its small means that i could probably get around better given my intense anxiety around driving #and i could literally just walk to hiking paths rather than having to drive way out. and its fucking so beautiful. the clouds r gorgeous #bc theyre all conpressed by the mountains around this lil valley. also the potential advisor seems amazing. the grad students have good #things to say and hes excited that im interested in the things im interested in. and i talked to an astrobiology guy and he was like u #should apply for X grant and i would b happy to help u and the advisor is a former nasa post doc so he has nasa astrobiology connections. #so those r some pretty great things. i mean. of the schools im looking at this one would prob be the best for my brain tbh #i mean the uk one is too rigid in structure and i cant fuck around so much as at a us school. and the east coast on is hard to say no to bc #its a good school with lots of funding and opportunities to b creative but i would have to hard core get my shit together and hes quite #hands off. and id b living in the city which sucks. so like. i mean this school is kinda looking like the best choice for me. definitely #the healthiest. i mean assuming i dont fuck it up and get the offer after this weekend. but yeah. i mean im not fully in love i think #and the idea of commiting to 5years here is terrifying but id get a lot of support that i dont think ive really ever had. not that my #current boss isnt great but our lab is kinda disconnected. and i really fit in perspective wise in my interests. and id get to work at #[redacted] national park. which is so cool that i might have to unredact it if i end up here bc its so fucking next level #not that the national park i have access to now isnt awesome but. like its next level awesome and i could maybe wiggle may way into maybe #some arctic systems and i bet i could get my current boss to send me desert samples. so yeah i could def see a life here #but fuck i dont want roomates with all my heart. y does it have to b so expensive for a trash apartment? bleh #god. im so tried. so much talking. but a good day. and im going skiing tomorrow bc like thats a thing here lol #unrelated

[keyleths]

rereading the dance part of f&b for today's gifset and man the show really woobified the greens to such an extreme extent they're literally unrecognisable lmao

#like having alicent cry over viserys death when in the book she let his corpse rot for days #that it stank up the whole of maegor's holdfast #not to mention how she's the one who orchestrated the whole green council/crowning of aegon #while in the show she's nothing but a pawn for her father #man she would have been so interesting if they weren't afraid to make her unlikeable #olivia cooke delivered so hard in the few unhinged alicent moments in the show #she would have slayed as an actual manipulative bitch #(instead of poor mom who just wants the best for her kids bleh 🤮) #yes i like hotd yes i also hate it we exist akdkdkfk #dl

[oglegoggle]

Ugh. Woke up at like 4am. Couldn’t go back to sleep. I miss so dearly being able to roll over and hold somebody and easily fall back asleep again. I genuinely resent how much easier it is for me to sleep beside another. I deeply resent my own hunger for touch and affection. I resent needing support that I know I won’t get because I shouldn’t need it. I resent not being strong enough to just comfortably exist in isolation. I resent not being able to make the peace with solitude that I’m supposed to.

#this is goggles #bleh today is a bit of a I resent even existing kind of day #the biggest thing that had me trapped in my last relationship is how accessible affection was #it sucked so much I spent months enduring my shit getting broken and my health ruined and and my sanity shredded #but fuck that’s been my entire life #the benefit he brought was a warm body to hold nightly which is something I’ve never had before #and just…. I keep telling myself that I’ll have it again but I genuinely don’t know #I miss him but I know that it wasn’t because he was actually a good partner it’s because my life is defined by isolation and abuse #I’m so tired my dudes #I’m itching to leave again #I’ve only been here for two months but I’m already kinda sick of it #idk fuckin 11 months to go until I can leave again I guess #I don’t think that leaving is going to help really it’s just going to make it that I’m in a different lonely and isolated place #the autism is so deeply isolating and the abuse really did not help me learn how to Person any better #exact opposite really #I just want to be held #more than anything else in this world I want to be held #it’s surreal to me that folks around me read me as super chipper and always in good spirits even on hard days #like it’s an act! it’s a facade! it’s fake! it’s the performance I’ve learned makes people like me enough to not totally avoid me! #I want to blow my goddamn brains out! #I just want to be held and I don’t understand why it’s so distant #I don’t understand why I feel trapped in a snow globe where I can watch the world going on around me but never participate in it #I’m a novelty plaything at best cutesy and chipper but nothing of notable substance #I just want to be held I just want to be held I just want to be held I just want to be held I just want to be held I just want to be held #fuck I want to eat some acid and zonk out for a couple days and bawl my eyes out and then do a ton of weird art #I miss so dearly being held #I miss loving cats #I miss the version of me that could’ve existed with gentle parenting #I don’t understand why it’s so difficult in our world #please I just want to be held for like an hour and to feel safe

[conellu]

i think the hardest part about being an adult and recognizing toxic behaviors is having to force myself to be willing to give people time and space and not message them x20 times "i love you, please don't be mad at me."

#lore #bleh #the past two days have been rough #my friend needing space to think about things + news i got yesterday and im feeling a little iffy #BUT HEY!! big steps for me #just gotta keep myself busy so those thoughts cant hit my brain hard #not gonna let myself sit in self hate and blame and then spiral into anxiety about it #i sat reasonable boundaries and explained how i feel #got my therapist on speed dial so if i need help through anything ill have it as soon as she can get me in #((and given what im being monitored as well as previous mental health issues for she'd probably get me in that day or the next))