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kozukitty · 3 years

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Forget Me Not

nishinoya yū x fem! reader.

warnings: major character death, mentions/implications of suicide. angst.

count the stars and i’m sure you’ll find me.

yuu nishinoya

january 9th, xxxx

there's a girl on the school rooftop.

her name is (y/n) (l/n)— a girl i've known since middle school. we never talked even though we were in the same class. i've never seen her speak to anyone, we all almost thought she was mute.

i almost didn't recognize her, she looked so much more different than how she did before. her hair was short back then, but now it cascaded down her shoulders like waterfalls— i was almost entranced from just looking at her. she said nothing to me, all she did was stare at me with her (e/c)-eyes that seemed so bright, yet so distant.

i apologized for intruding, and told her i had only came up to retrieve my volleyball. she gave me a perplexed look and said, "who the hell spikes a volleyball all the way up here?"

i knew she wasn't joking, but it still made me laugh. her question had almost caught me off guard, i wasn't expecting her to say anything to me. i didn't even think she would look my way.

she went silent again as i rambled about my teammates and how incidents like this weren't really uncommon. i felt my words get caught in my throat when she handed me my volleyball with delicate fingers that almost seemed like they could crumble like sand.

she didn't speak not another word and turned on her heels, my presence no longer imposing as a burden to her. i also turned to leave, but stopped the moment i felt the winter wind whisper into my ears. i glance back at her with a small smile before saying,

"you should come visit my practice sometime."

yuu nishinoya

february 7th, xxxx

there's a girl in my gym.

i was more surprised than anybody when i saw her walk in. she nearly froze on the spot when she saw all eyes on her, her face erupting into a cherry red blush as she played with her fingers nervously.

"i-i'm here for nishinoya-kun..." she stuttered, her eyes averting from every single person she laid eyes on in the gym. "i'm sorry for the intrusion."

everyone gave me the same confused look, their eyes boring into mine as they wordlessly asked for an explanation. "she's just a friend," i explained. "i invited her here."

tanaka yelled at me, obviously excited that i managed to convince a girl to show up. i could do nothing but give him a sheepish smile as i ran up to the girl who stood by the gym doors awkwardly.

"what are you doing here?"

"you said i could come," she responded shyly. "i-i just wanted to talk to you again..."

and there i stood talking to the girl who i just happened to run into that day in january. i never thought we would ever speak again, i never would've guessed that we would even run into each other at all. yet here she was, cheeks blooming in a rosy red with her silky hair tucked behind her ear neatly.

"d-do you have a valentine?" she asked, her words barely above a whisper. i felt a small blush creep onto my cheeks, giving her a small shake of my head, i responded with,

"no, i don't. do you?"

yuu nishinoya

february 14, xxxx

there's a girl in front of my locker.

she stood there with a deep blush on her face, her dainty hands clutching a box of chocolates. her feet shuffled on the ground nervously, and when her eyes met mine my heart began to race.

"t-these are for you, noya-san," she said, her hands holding out the small box that she was just about to crush mere seconds ago. i took the chocolate into my hands, giving her the biggest smile i could muster.

it was a little awkward, honestly. neither one of us knew what to say. i couldn't keep thanking her for the chocolate, so i tried my best to talk about something that would at least be of interest to her.

she was really just a cute flustered mess the entire time, and we laughed and everything felt surreal. i thought she was perfect for me, i thought she would be the one. why did good things always get taken away?

but at that time, i didn't know that. so i asked her,

"(y/n), do you want to go out sometime?"

yuu nishinoya

march 14, xxxx

there's a girl that i like.

she's the same girl who i saw on the roof that day. she's the same girl who came to my gym. she's the same girl who bought me chocolates on valentine's day.

(y/n) (l/n) was the girl that i liked.

she was beautiful, the most drop dead gorgeous girl that i had ever laid eyes on. seeing her made my knees weak, and it made my heart race faster than it ever would— even during a game.

today was white day. she was standing there outside my gym, waiting for me to walk out. i had invited her originally because i wanted to see her, but i had nearly forgotten that i had bought her something.

i almost thought i would chicken out when i handed her the chocolates in one hand and the tickets to the movies in the other, but i think she nearly fainted just from looking at the gifts alone.

"what's this for?" she asked, her voice still as quiet as it always is. i've gotten so used to it that i could still hear her even if she talked so low that wind could only hear.

"i-it's for you," i barely managed to stutter out. when she took the items from my hands, i felt my ears grow hot even though our hands barely touched. "and i-i have something else to s-say!"

she tilted her head at me. "what is it?" i shook off my nervousness, inhaling deeply before shouting, "i like you a lot! will you be my girlfriend?"

her face went beet red, and before i could catch her,

she fainted.

yuu nishinoya

march 20th, xxxx

there's a girl sitting next to me.

she's not paying attention to me though, she's too busy watching the ducks play in the pond. she catches me staring at her, but i look away before she can say anything to me about it.

after i asked (y/n) out on white day, she fainted. but the next day, she walked up to me and told me this, "take me to the pond on march 20th and i'll give you an answer."

i didn't understand why she gave me a specific day, but i could only guess that it meant something to her. when i looked at her to ask her about it, she spoke over me.

"i'll be your girlfriend." she said with a dark crimson blush. "b-but... p-please don't break my heart. i don't think i could handle that.."

"i would never do that," was what i said. and i meant it.

only one of us had a broken heart in the end. and it wasn't her.

it was me.

but i didn't know that would happen.

at the time, everything seemed perfect but in reality,

it was then that things started to go south.

yuu nishinoya

may 19th, xxxx

there's a girl that i treasure.

i don't treasure her like an object, i treasure her because she has a special place in my heart. i wish she understood that, but she doesn't.

there's something strange about (y/n). something she isn't telling me. i don't want to pester her about it, but i can't help but worry. it always seems like she is never really here— like she's always somewhere else. she had always been that way, even in middle school. i never knew why, not even now.

"noya, you really are amazing," she told me. "i admire you a lot. not just because you're my boyfriend, but just because you're someone who's easy to look up to. not height wise though."

her smile was light, it was seamless, it was beautiful. but for some reason, i couldn't detect an ounce of happiness. i never understood how someone so gorgeous could look so sad.

"(y/n)... is there something you aren't telling me?" i ask, my voice laced with concern. she only smiled at me. she said nothing. she only smiled.

the same smile that was filled with pain.

yuu nishinoya

june 4th, xxxx

there's a girl that i'm always around.

she's rather gloomy, but i've actually grown very attached to her. i don't mind her gloominess, i actually think it's really cute. sometimes, she makes me laugh with the absurd things that she says.

the way i feel around (y/n) is hard to explain, even i don't understand how i feel. i love being around her, and when she's not around i always miss her, even if she's gone for five seconds. i think it's weird, but i feel like she's a part of me now. i can't imagine a day in my life without her.

i wish i could tell her everything i felt about her. i wish she would tell me how she felt from time to time. i know she's keeping a lot of things from me, but i feel like its for a good reason. i tell (y/n) everything, and she normally does the same.

so why does this bother me so much?

i understand. i respect her privacy. but does she not trust me? does she not think that i'll see her the same?

i'll fix it. i'll get her to see me as someone she can trust. i'll get her to see me as someone she can trust with everything she has without judgement.

i want her to trust me with her heart.

yuu nishinoya

july 27th, xxxx

there's a girl that i love.

we were walking home from the fireworks festival. there was an odd vibe surrounding (y/n), like something was bothering her. i didn't ask her about it, because well, i didn't want to pester her or pressure her into thinking she had to tell me anything.

but i had something to tell her, something i had been meaning to tell her for a while now but never had the chance. something that i wanted her to trust me with, something that i wanted her to trust in so blindly that she would always believe in me.

and so, standing in front of her door to her home, i turned to her with flushed cheeks, taking a deep breath before shouting,

"i love you, (y/n)! i'm in love with you. no words could describe the way i feel about you. i love you so much, that even the words alone don't feel like i'm expressing it enough!

i love everything about you! i love the way you dress, i love the way you style your hair everyday, i love how smart you are, i love how funny you can be without trying, i love how you can make me feel like the most luckiest guy in the world! i love you! and i'd shout it to the whole world if you wanted me to! i'd tell the whole school! i love you, (y/n), and i will for eternity!"

even with the flustered look on her face, she gave me a laugh. it was small, it was nearly lifeless, yet it was for me. and i loved it. she holds my hand in hers delicately, her thumbs caressing the back of mines with the most gentle touch.

"yuu, i think you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love you more than life itself. you are my entire world, you know? thank you for giving

me this love. thank you for giving me this happiness. i don't want you to ever forget me."

i don't get the chance to respond before she opens the door of her home to step inside. she gives me one last smile before shutting the door, a smile brighter than any star in the night sky, a smile brighter than any diamond i could imagine.

"see you tomorrow."

that tomorrow never came.

all i received the next day was a phone call that i knew would change my life,

"n-nishinoya-san...! (y-y/n)... s-she's..."

my heart raced in my chest, my breathing stopped in that moment,

"s-s-she's dead...!"

there would never be a tomorrow for us.

yuu nishinoya

september 2nd, xxxx

there's was a girl who loved me.

a girl who helped me. she helped me with so many things she didn't know about. she helped me live. she helped me grow. she helped me see. she helped me love.

she was everything i wanted, and more. i loved her with every ounce of my being. i loved her more than i loved anything in this world, i loved her more than my biggest passion.

why didn't i see? why couldn't i see how bad she was hurting? she tried telling me in her own way, i know she did. so why couldn't i figure it out? why am i so stupid? why didn't i do more? why couldn't i do enough?

why do i have to stare at the flowers that rest on your desk in our classroom? why do i have to get looks of pity from everybody? why does everyone whisper and offer condolences as if they knew you?

why didn't you tell me? why won't you answer?

why did you leave me?

—✰—

yuu nishinoya

october 21st, xxxx

there's was a girl who i wanted to spend my life with.

everyday without her feels like a lost cause. i have no motivation. she was the reason why i wanted to keep going, she gave me hope, she gave me encouragement. she told me i gave her happiness, when in reality she was mine.

how does someone cope with this pain? it's been over a month. nothing stops hurting. it just gets worse and worse. i fall in love with her memory more and more everyday. why did it have to be her? why did it have to be me? why did it have to be us?

i wish i could've given her everything she deserved. i wish i could've helped her value her life as much as i did. i wish i could hold her right now. i want to tell her how much i love her again.

i would give anything to have her back. i miss her so much, it hurts. everything hurts so bad. why won't the pain stop? why does it never end? i want to start over. i want to redo everything. i want to press rewind.

i want to live with you again.

a life without you is so hard to live in.

i love you.

—✰—

"good evening, nishinoya-san,” the woman greeted with a soft smile on her face. "its been a while, hasn't it? how have you been faring?"

"alright, i guess."

"i've read your journal entries," the woman pulled out the battered notebook from her bag. "it really helped me better understand what you're going through, nishinoya-san. thank you for trusting me with it."

nishinoya shrugs, his expression blank and eyes void of emotion as he took the notebook from the womans hands. “i mean, you asked for it so..”

the woman nods, crossing her legs with a never-ending smile. “i’m glad you wrote about how you’ve been feeling. it’s healthy to express your emotions in some way— anything is better than keeping them bottled up,” she states, her fingers adjusting her sleeves absent-mindedly, “do you think writing has been helping you cope, nishinoya-san?”

“you could just call me noya.. and i guess so? i think i finally have the motivation to do the things i like now. at first it was hard to get back into the rhythm of things but things are sorta better now…” nishinoya explains, eyes moving to focus on the journal that he clutched in his hands tightly.

“i’m glad you’re easing back into your life, noya-san. take your time, okay? healing takes time, and you have all the time in the world. heal at your own pace, don’t worry about who won’t stick around, just think of who'll be around after the storm. you understand?”

“um, yeah.” nishinoya swallows harshly, a bitter taste suddenly being left in his mouth. who’ll be around after the storm, eh? does it even really matter?

without you, my storm is everlasting.

“i know it doesn’t make sense right now. if i’m being honest with you, you’ll probably never get over miss (l/n)... but the whole point of healing is acceptance, and not allowing grief to take over your life,” the woman places her hand over his reassuringly. “it won’t be easy, it never is. but you’re strong, noya-san. do you know how i know?”

“...how?”

“because, you relived those painful memories of yours and put them in this journal,” she tapped the book in his lap. “you tried to cope with your pain on your own, before you even met me. you felt helpless, and yet you still desperately tried your best to crawl out. do you know what most people do? wallow in their own pain. you should be proud of yourself, you should be motivated. do you know why? because you will heal.”

nishinoya stared at the woman in shock, unable to hold back the tears that gathered in his eyes. “h-how could you say that...?” he asked, endless warm tears slipping from his eyes. “h-how c-could you say that i’m strong? i-i’ve d-done nothing b-but cry and beg to g-god that she would come b-back... i-i’ve done nothing b-but b-beg for my p-pain to be taken away.”

he sobbed. he cried so hard that it hurt. he sobbed so loud that his throat hurt and his lungs helplessly begged for air. “i-it... i-it hurts...! i want her back... i-i want her back so bad…” he wailed desperately. “i-i miss her! i w-want her back... i-i w-want to start over...! e-even just f-for a second, even i-if it’s just a-an illusion... i want to see her again...!”

the woman nods, her arms surrounding him in a comforting embrace, “i know you do. noya-san. i really get it, i promise. you’re doing great, and you know what? i want you to write in your journal again. but for now, i want you to let it all out, right here.”

and so, that evening on january ninth,

nishinoya cried until his eyes could no longer produce tears,

and he shouted until his throat hurt.

—✰—

yuu nishinoya

january 12th, xxxx

there was a girl that i dreamed of.

the roof is empty without her today. it's empty every day without her. everything feels empty sometimes, even my heart.

i tried to heal, i even asked for help, yet i still can't get over you. it's like you took a part of me with you when you left. i love you so, so much, that when i write about you, i have to suppress myself so the words don't spill out like waterfalls,

i have to suppress myself from succumbing to the darkness in my heart. without you, there's no light. even the sunniest days still feel dark. i miss you. i want to hold you again. this time, i won't let you go.

this time, i'll give you everything you deserved. even if you want the world, i would try my best to give it to you.

the rooftop is quiet without her today. it was quiet even when she was here but, now the wind doesn't whisper to me anymore.

when i turned to leave, i stopped. why couldn't i move? why was my heart racing? why was my holding my breath?

when i turned, i dropped to my knees in sorrow. but i also felt relieved.

with a smile of a million angels, there she stood.

she was right in front of me.

#anime #yū nishinoya #nishinoya x y/n #nishinoya x you #nishinoya imagine #nishinoya fluff #haikyuu angst #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyu x reader

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brandybradyrandyandyndy · 3 years

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Mark Forster's role in the Ace Attorney franchise

Okay, first off:

I'm not a fan of Mark Forster's music, please don't take this post the wrong way

There might be some aa trilogy spoilers

Also, I admit this title is pretty bold for what I'm going to say on this topic, but I watch The Voice of Germany with my sister every week and one of the coaches is Mark Forster who I only know like five songs of in total, but his song "Au Revoir" (which is actually a terrible song btw. It's so catchy, I've had it stuck in my head since I woke up this morning and it ruined my day.) kind of reminded me of the whole "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death." thing, because the only thing I knew about this song was the refrain:

which would be roughly translated to:

"There is nothing that's holding me back, au revoir / Forget who I was / Forget my name / It will never be the way it was before / I'm off / Au revoir"

But as I looked further into the lyrics I found out there is a "rap part" which tells you about the places the lyrical I will go to when they're away and it contains a passage that adds a beautiful twist to my theory/headcanon (I'm not sure what to call this yet).

"I'm sitting on the Mayan throne in the jungle / [...] / The phoenix is taking off now"

You see where I'm going with this? I know, it's not Phoenix who's leaving and I know the lyrics refer to the Maya Civilization from Mesoamerica, but I thought it was a funny coincidence, that not only does the word "Phoenix" appear in the lyrics of this song, but so does "Maya".

So when I first saw this part of "Au Revoir", I started imagining how Miles Edgeworth would listen to this song and like dramatically sing along to it and start crying or something, but this only posed another question:

How could this scenario happen? How and why would he even come in contact with this song?

My first guess was, Miles probably went to Germany after he left his note, because he grew up there (I think), when he had been adopted by Manfred von Karma as a child, and he heard the song somewhere in the radio because in Germany they blast Mark Forster's music in almost every public space, so there is no escape from it ever. I tried to find out, during which timespan Miles left America, just to make sure if there was a chance that he actually could have heard it on the radio.

In the Ace Attorney wiki this timespan isn't clearly mentioned, but since the last case (Rise from the Ashes) from the first game is set in February 2017 and Edgeworth returns to America in March 2018 I'm guessing, this is exactly the time window in which he's in Germany* (minus some days/weeks of course, because I don't think he'd just leave on the exact same day he had his last trial in America). *to make this easier for me I'm just assuming he spends the entirety of his travels in Germany

But this brings me to my problem, the German Charts of 2017/2018.

As you can see, the only songs by Mark Forster that were in the charts while Miles would be in Germany are the ones above. This means that it is highly unlikely that he knew of "Au Revoir" from the radio, because why would they play this old song if they could also play Mark Forster's more recent songs that are popular right now?

But when exactly was "Au Revoir" popular enough to be in the German Charts?

During my research I looked up these years, too, and it came down to 2014 (the year "Au Revoir" was released) and even a year later in 2015. So there is no way he could have known of this song if his most recent stay in Germany was in 2017, right? (I mean, unless the German people he met then, had literally no taste and forced him to listen to it.)

But I have a pretty simple and logical explanation on how he could have still known of this song, even though he probably wouldn't have heard it in Germany in 2017.

I tried really hard, but I couldn't for my life find real data on Mark Forster's demographic, so just believe me if I tell you that his demographic is mostly preteen and teenage girls. Also, it's worth mentioning that Mark Forster's music is pretty much only known in German speaking countries like Germany, Switzerland and Austria. Now, let's take a closer look at the years, in which Au Revoir was most popular: 2014 and 2015

Who could Miles Edgeworth possibly know, who in 2014/2015 is 1. German, 2. a teenager and 3. a girl? The answer is quite obvious:

His younger sister Franziska von Karma.

Considering that she was either 14 or 15 when "Au Revoir" was released, she fits Mark Forster's demographic perfectly and although I'm not 100% sure if she was in Germany then, I still believe, she must have had at least some connection to Germany in some way, maybe a German friend who she still was in contact with or maybe she had access to German tv, maybe German YouTube channels or social media. And don't get me wrong, I love Franziska von Karma and I wouldn't wish anything bad on her, but at the same time I strongly believe that she'd be the kind of girl who'd have gone through a Mark Forster phase as a teen.

Now remember that I, myself, have a sister. I know what siblings do to annoy each other and I just know from the bottom of my heart that if Franziska really was a fan of Mark Forster's music, she would blast it on any opportunity she'd get. Or she would at least talk about him and his songs with her brother. Believe me. If Franziska really listened to Mark Forster, Miles would have known of him, too. There is literally no other way. (For reference, I know every 1D member's name, birthday and relationship status, although I literally do not care about any of them at all, only because my sister is obsessed with them and talks about them 24/7. Meanwhile the only MCR member I know, is Gerard Way, even though I listen to their music on the daily.)

So here is my conclusion.

Miles Edgeworth definitely listened to "Au Revoir" by Mark Forster on the plane from Japanifornia to Germany and he also definitely cried, after he made sure nobody could see him (especially during the part "Der Phönix macht jetz 'n Abflug"/"The phoenix is taking off now"). Also, he probably listened to the song multiple times during his stay in Germany and you literally can't prove me wrong on this. I mean you could try, but I invested way too much of my time in this to actually care about another person's opinion on my shitty headcanon.

Also, the moment Franziska met Phoenix and Maya, her memories vaulted her right back to her Mark Forster phase and her hatred against Phoenix wasn't solely based on the fact that he was accountable for the conviction of her father Manfred von Karma, her hatred was also ignited by the fact that she probably had "Au Revoir" stuck in her head because of these two for the rest of the day and I just know that this must have completely ruined it for her.

Also, unrelated to anything I've said prior:

Klavier Gavin would definitely collaborate with Mark Forster on at least one song and however severe Franziska's Mark Forster phase might have been, I am convinced Klavier would have outdone her by far. I haven't played AJAA yet, but as much as I've gathered from the fandom, he's like a weeaboo but with Germany, I think? I'm absolutely sure, he wouldn't ever miss a chance like this.

Finally, here is the song this whole post is about:

#ace attorney #aa #miles edgeworth #franziska von karma #manfred von karma #narumitsu #wrightworth #phoenix wright #maya fey #german #german culture #mark forster #klavier gavin

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Indie & Rio

Indie: where you at? Indie: you gotta chat at me Rio: I went down Skerries Rio: I can come back, if you want or Rio: are you okay Indie: w mckenna or are you kicking it 💸💸? Rio: No, with Buster Rio: I just had to get away, you know, give everyone air Indie: its a mood Rio: Yeah, not what I wanted or planned but you know Rio: Where'd you go? Rio: At the shower, I mean Indie: I hit my boy up Indie: felt it you kno Rio: Ah, right Rio: Don't blame you Indie: something in the water innit Rio: Don't Rio: What's he said, then Indie: you kno how hes flexing w it Indie: dont make me chat it back Rio: I can imagine how he's selling it Rio: do you believe him though? Indie: is it? you gotta ask me that Indie: thats how it be now Rio: Inds, I just want to know what I've got to put right with you so I can Rio: I don't care about him, just you Indie: you reckon imma roll with any of his shots on any day Indie: hes chief and he always been it Indie: dont fucking play me that way Indie: what you did is you left me w him Rio: I didn't know where you were Rio: and I couldn't stay Indie: not bothered Indie: where you expect him to try and be? hes not gonna still lay out at hers Rio: Exactly Rio: So I can't be there now Rio: I didn't expect any of this, I didn't think he'd do anything like this, Jesus Indie: it's chill for you w mckenna primed to jet you to skerries Indie: i dont get to leave this drum Indie: his now Rio: Go Home Rio: they'd rather have you there than with him Indie: yeah cos i can show my face Rio: Of course you can Rio: you've not done anything wrong Indie: it looks exactly like his Indie: how are they trying to see that rn Indie: how are you fit to either Rio: So does Edie Rio: and they want her home too Rio: you aren't him Indie: nah Indie: shes got your ma in her Indie: and shes blood Rio: When has that ever mattered to us? Indie: hes made it like it aint before Indie: us v you Rio: Nah Rio: he hasn't got that influence Indie: i cant be around it Indie: none of Rio: Alright but can you be around him? Rio: What are you gonna do Indie: ive got places Indie: if you get to run i get to run Rio: I told you Rio: I'll come back Indie: to what and to where bitch Indie: we aint got a yard of our own anymore Rio: Just please go home Indie: im going where i feel love Indie: still Rio: Don't do them like that Rio: that's bullshit Indie: don't come for me Indie: you aint there Indie: if you feel it so hard you take it Rio: Like I said Rio: you didn't do anything wrong Indie: and you aint Indie: whatever he spits Rio: We both know it ain't that cut and dry Indie: whats bullshit now Indie: ive been front row Indie: 👀 & 👂 Indie: you cant chat that to me Rio: Yeah, you have, and so has he Rio: not an excuse but clearly fucked with him Indie: allow it Indie: hes been trying to get on you since he dashed ryan out Indie: fucked with you since then least Indie: it aint no new dream Rio: Yeah and I've been hoeing since when Indie: dont give him no licence to slip Indie: hes known you since younger than Rio: I've always been like this Indie: what you feeding me his lines for Rio: He's not entirely full of shit Indie: dash that Indie: youre spinning me out Indie: come back when youre you Indie: not his rinsed hoe that cant relate Indie: if youre gonna buy in you shouldve just rode him Rio: Fuck off Indie: youre his mouth piece rn Indie: word by word Rio: I don't have all the answers, alright Rio: I'm sorry but that's the truth Indie: nah Indie: the truth is you reckon hes right Indie: i live in that madness Indie: that means him or you if thats how youre trying to be Indie: *cant Rio: I'm not saying his actions were Rio: He still shouldn't have Indie: what youre saying tho is dred enough Indie: you think you can come through and raise me w that outlook nah bitch Indie: i already got one ma who let him run her Rio: What do you want me to say? Rio: I'm fucked, Indie, that's all there is to it Indie: what do you want me to say Indie: gone is gone Indie: she is and you are Indie: same reason Rio: Don't be like that Rio: I'm not dead Indie: dead to me if youre gonna let him say what he is and not fight back Rio: If that's how you feel Rio: then I can't change your mind on that Indie: how are you still rolling Indie: taking this Indie: what more he gotta do Rio: It's over now, it's done Indie: its not done Indie: he wants me to live with him Indie: pass you over Indie: he wants to say that everything he did you loved it like that Rio: Well no one believes him or will listen so Indie: then what you hiding for Indie: you dont say that but do this Rio: because I don't want to be there alright Indie: why tho Rio: Same reasons you don't Indie: where you gonna be Rio: I haven't decided where I'll end up yet Rio: but I'm going back to London with Buster for a bit Indie: safe Rio: I know that's not how you really feel Rio: but that's what I've got to do Indie: you do you Indie: ill do me and that's how it is now Rio: You still have everyone else Indie: i kno i got heads Indie: im good Indie: got all my boys including my main 💘 Rio: Yeah, them too Indie: its jam Indie: got my own back above it too Rio: I know Rio: You don't have to pretend it's all alright Rio: it's fucked Indie: like it hasnt been from when Rio: exactly Rio: so stick with the fam Rio: don't make it harder on yourself, no one wants you to Indie: tell yourself Indie: i dont need you to school me rn its hols still Rio: Be serious Indie: how serious you want it Rio: Admit that you aren't alright, accept the help people want to give you Rio: and do what I say Rio: or I will come back and force you to too Indie: i cant Rio: You can Rio: I know you can Indie: i need air from this too Indie: why is that only for you Rio: Because you're only 14 Rio: you can't do this on your own Rio: you can still be out all day and all night but don't forget that that's your base and that's your people Indie: im grown enough when thats how you want it Indie: and him Rio: Because I let you come to some parties with me and didn't baby you? Rio: It isn't the same Rio: I never made you do anything that was actually inappropriate, and I didn't love it when you were getting high 24/7 to cope, I never acted like I did Rio: so don't even start Indie: dont make me now then Rio: I'm telling you Rio: I'll come home right now, yeah Indie: nah Rio: No, I'm going to Indie: be in london or our ends, be where you want Indie: not for me tho Indie: if your around me hes around you Indie: that aint how this is playing out Rio: Not if we're home Rio: he's got some sense, fucking hell Rio: that's how it's going to be, this isn't happening, we should all be under one roof Indie: dont law me Indie: i aint owned by you Indie: you said you dont wanna be there Indie: im not carrying that i fucking cant Rio: You don't just get to do what you want, you're a child, I'm barely not one Rio: this is how we got here Indie: we got here cos of him Indie: hes not running me Indie: not ever Indie: ill do what i want Rio: Yeah, he ain't Rio: because he doesn't know how to be a fucking parent Rio: you'll get taken into care if you aren't careful Indie: thats what youre gonna chat now Indie: the baitest line you can pull Indie: thats been over me since i was born into this Indie: but where am i Indie: still Rio: because everyone else made sure you stayed here Rio: if you reckon that was the wrong decision then you can feel hard done by but everyone was just doing their best for you, what seemed best at the time Indie: i aint living like ive turned from them Indie: dont be extra Rio: Good Rio: don't Indie: if i need to make things lighter on myself i will Indie: you cant force me to be anywhere Rio: Yeah what do I know Rio: Do what you like, it's gonna be a laugh a minute Indie: im not vibing for that much of a jump off Indie: just not this Indie: let me be with people who dont kno Indie: why is that something to get the feds out over Rio: Because I was never saying you couldn't be, I don't know why you're coming at me with that Rio: but you need to promise me you're not going to keep away from the fam completely and you won't and I'm not thick Rio: I know what that means Indie: Edie gets to do it Indie: wheres her come through Rio: She doesn't Rio: she just does it Rio: we're all trying to sort that every fucking day, don't get it twisted babe Indie: how cant i Indie: everything else is Rio: I know Rio: but we don't need to be throwing more shit to sort onto the pile you feel Indie: i cant give you what you need Indie: i cant handle this Indie: i barely had my head around how it was trying to be w him and my step ma and the younger Indie: what is this Rio: I'm not asking you for anything, how can I when I'm letting you down so hard Rio: I don't know, it's fucked, everything is fucked Rio: you're still going to have a younger though, she's not going anywhere Indie: like how Edie didnt yeah? Indie: i wont be allowed near Indie: she didnt like me fore this Rio: She's a messed up kid, you are too Rio: it isn't personal, she just needs to blame us all for the shit that's in her head and I can't really blame her Rio: it's easy for us to all sit back and say well it's all Drew so don't look at us Rio: but he ain't the fucking boogeyman, whatever he is Indie: he still takes everything from me Indie: it'll play down to the next Indie: another messed up kid and then Rio: Yeah, it shouldn't have happened Rio: we can't actually castrate him though Indie: he gives me a sister to take her away again Indie: no way im playing happy families w his failed wifey am i Rio: Ro will always let you see Astrid Rio: she ain't like that, again, whatever she is Rio: you don't have to be her best friend to see your sister Indie: she didnt want me around when she was 😍 itll be less now shes 💔 Rio: She just doesn't know how to handle people Rio: fullstop Rio: it wasn't because of you Indie: you can chat that but what she doesnt kno how to handle is reminders of how he be Indie: thats me Indie: i came for her perfect image and now im an i told you so Rio: You're nothing like him, just in looks Rio: whatever grievance she has with Drew, is with him Rio: and frankly she should have sorted long ago but regardless, it ain't on you Indie: nah cos im from him, my ma everything back then he aint learned from it Indie: who wants to know that bout someone whenever they have to see me coming through Rio: You aren't that, to us you're you Rio: and to the olders, you remind them if your Ma, and all the good there Rio: No one needs reminding of his fuckups because he's still alive and out here making 'em, come on Indie: how did he want another kid and not us Rio: I don't think he did want her Rio: Sorry but Indie: I don't want to be in my head Indie: this place Indie: none Rio: I know Rio: Me either Indie: I'm sorry i didnt stay at the baby shower Indie: maybe if i wasnt so high Indie: idk man Rio: You can't blame yourself, none of us can Indie: i wasnt in your corner Rio: He was going to make that happen, he'd decided and that's how he rolls, fuck whatever any of us want or do or say Rio: You were, things were good, they don't have to change, we don't, you and me Indie: i can stop him sometimes Indie: if hes feeling it he listens to me Rio: Yeah, I'm not trying to take what you do have with him Rio: but likewise, not going to let you try to carry that burden, he's grown, he makes choices and even if you ain't got there to try and stop him, it's NEVER on you, alright Indie: me and him are rinsed out Indie: hes too on top to be around Indie: i vibe the chaos but i cant let him do me this way any more Indie: he tried to take you from me like its no thing and play it out like thats how you wanted it for long Indie: i cant unhear him how he chatted at me Rio: I'm really sorry, Inds Rio: wasteman or not, you shouldn't have to be out here calling time, but I understand and respect why and how you gotta Rio: Whatever you need, alright? You know you got me, I can get us a new place, we can go home, anything Rio: but you can take time too, you don't need to decide anything else rn Indie: he aint gonna heed it and i kno that Indie: its another reason i need to go Indie: my mans will protect me i aint gonna make you Indie: you gotta let mckenna do what he do and make it less Indie: take the air he aint trying to give none of us you kno Indie: i been a brat on how this convo went down Indie: ive got too much love for you to play you Rio: I know, he doesn't Rio: I want to, swear Rio: but maybe we both need time Rio: long as you promise to tell me when you need me to come back, I mean it, like, say the word when you need and there's no backlash of any kind alright Indie: I want you back now, for real Indie: but we all tripping off this Indie: and you need to get your head right too Indie: what he did its not just gonna be no thing cos thats easier you feel me Indie: same as how he cant switch now and need me to stand in for everything he lost Indie: he aint no dad to me Rio: You're right Rio: on all of it Rio: when'd you get so smart? Indie: im just 🚀 makes me sound it Indie: stoner wisdom be like Rio: Nah, I know that sound babe and it's usually total 💩 Indie: i miss you Indie: im not trying to but its real Rio: I miss you too Rio: we can still meet up, however long I gotta be away, I won't stay gone you know Indie: dont swerve me once you living lavish in london with that posh boy Rio: As if Rio: 24 'til I die, like Indie: how we gonna get the flat back Rio: tell the 'RA lads the address and they can firebomb him out? Rio: nah, we'll think of something though Indie: when everythings there but i kno he is Indie: im wearing creeps garms like im his rn Rio: I made Buster go for me, thank God he weren't there yet Rio: You could get Creeps to bell him for some gear and send him on a wild goose chase, pack as much as you can and duck out Rio: do it multiple times and take your stuff back home, even if you drop it whilst everyone's out, just so you've got a base that ain't got him in yeah? Indie: the excuse for why my homework aint done be 🔥 tho Indie: but yeah we riding cos thats a sick move Rio: Honestly Rio: this School this town so fucking sick of this fam Rio: lowkey hilarious if it weren't so dred Indie: innit Indie: if he wanna be my daddy so bad why he not writing me a note to get me outta detention Indie: 👀 you drew Rio: Teachers thinking you forged it 'cos who??? Indie: 🤔😂 Indie: markos here Indie: gotta bounce Rio: Oh, alright babe Rio: talk later 🧡 Indie: ✌

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