#had this in google docs for a while i just never posted it here til now

[devilsrecreation]

Pep Talk-A TLG fanfiction

The Pridelands felt unusually quiet. That’s how it seemed to Pua, at least. Though it felt different this time. He wasn’t basking on land or floating around in Lake Matope with his fellow crocodiles. He wasn’t even with his old hippo friend, Basi. He was alone and he wasn’t used to it.

It all happened so suddenly. What Pua thought was going to be another day of feeding his now former float turned into a mashindano between him and Makuu. Though he had much more experience and technique, he knew he wasn’t young anymore. Makuu was younger and more physically fit than he was. Despite using all of his tricks, Makuu was able to hold him down, forcing him to finally tap out and be banished from the float.

Now, it was just him.

Pua stopped when he got to an empty watering hole. He needed a drink, especially after what just happened. He faced his reflection and sighed somberly.

“Oh spirits,” he lamented to himself before taking a sip, “what do you suppose I do now that I’m on my own?”

“Hey, handsome.”

Pua’s head immediately rose upon hearing that voice. It was beautiful and so…familiar. He hadn’t heard it in so long—but no. It couldn’t be! That voice had left him long ago, yet he knew it anywhere. He found himself glancing at the clouds, being met with the head of a beautiful crocodile. Her skin was a slightly lighter shade of green and her snout was longer with brown spots at the tip. His jaw dropped.

“….Kuimba?”

The spirit grinned. Pua blinked.

“I must be hallucinating.” he said, “It can’t be you… can it?”

Kuimba took a moment to look at herself to the best of her ability. She nodded. “I think so. It’s wonderful to see you again, my love. Although, you look different. Were those wrinkles always there? You look….old.”

Pua returned the grin, chuckling a bit. That was his mate, alright. A tad ditzy, but she could still lift his spirits no matter how hard of a day he had. It was one of the many reasons why he had loved her so much. He quickly compiled all of his thoughts.

“It has been a while since you’ve completed your journey,” he answered. “Things have changed.”

Pua’s face fell upon saying those words. Kuimba took notice.

“Rough day, hm?”

Pua sighed. “You have no idea.”

“What’s bothering you?” Kuimba asked.

Pua took a deep breath. “Makuu challenged me to a mashindano.”

“Really?”

“He disagreed with my decision to not eat the fish in Basi’s watering hole. It was either that or I surrendered my leadership at that moment. I fought my best, but he was much stronger than he appeared to be.”

This time, it was Kuimba’s turn to be surprised.

“You mean you lost? My, that’s a first. You’ve never lost a mashindano before.”

“My strength isn’t what it used to be.” Pua replied. “It was inevitable.”

“Wasn’t Makuu the one that looked up to you?”

Pua did not expect his late mate to remember that, but it was true. He remembered it so clearly; how Makuu would always be right behind Pua whenever on a stroll when he was a hatchling, how he would copy his fighting style, how Pua took notice of it all and used to brag about himself to the other adults.

Yet it was so long ago.

Pua nodded. “He was. He’s all grown up now, as are the rest of the hatchlings.” Pua frowned, “I just wish I was a better role model back then. Perhaps his ego wouldn’t have been so big as it is now.”

Kuimba chuckled. “He reminds me of you!”

“Yes, he does.”

“Are you afraid Makuu wouldn’t be a good leader?”

“Of course not. I know he will eventually change his ways and come to respect the Circle of Life. I should know, I’ve been in the same position.” Pua said. He sighed. “But…that is not the problem.”

“Then what is?”

“Kuimba, I have been training my entire life to be a leader and I tried my absolute best to be a good one. It was my responsibility to do what was best for my float, no matter what happened. It’s been that way for a long time. But now that I have been banished, I…..”

Pua lowered his head sadly, averting his gaze from the spirit.

“I have nothing left to offer.”

Kuimba frowned. “Oh, Pua…but that’s just not true.”

Pua lifted his head again. “How so?”

“Well, think of it as a good thing. Now that you’re not a leader anymore, you have much more free time to do whatever you want. You can still spend some time with your old friends and even meet new ones.”

“Perhaps, but I still don’t see how I am of any use anymore.” Pua responded.

“Your wisdom, sweetheart.” Kuimba said. “You’ve lived a long life and plenty of experience to go with it. You can give others your advice whenever they need it.”

Pua thought for a moment, remembering everything that led him to where he was now. It was true, he had learned so much over the years. From all the sparring techniques he taught himself in his youth to lessons about the circle of life taught by his old friend and former ruler, Mufasa. He remembered using those lessons to teach Makuu and the other crocodiles. But would it be helpful to other animals as well? Would they even listen to him? He cocked a brow.

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course I do.” A gentle smile had formed on Kuimba’s face, matching her kind eyes. “Go, live your best life. You deserve it.”

That last line struck Pua harder than he thought. He thought about how he used to be as a young adult. He used to be so arrogant and cruel, caring only for his desires with no regard for the Circle of Life. That was until his first Kupatana as a new leader of the crocodiles when he learned his ways would not be acceptable if he were to keep his position. So many factors had turned him from an insufferable brute to the humble crocodile he is now.

One of those factors… was Kuimba.

How he had ever managed to win her heart was beyond him. She was absolutely perfect, from her natural beauty to her gorgeous singing voice to her kindness that made even the toughest creatures respect her. She had every reason to not be interested in him, yet she was. She was the one who taught him how there was more to life than fighting. How the land could be a beautiful place once he stopped and looked around. She got him to open his eyes. And now here she was, assuring him how he deserves to live the remaining years of his life in the best way possible.

Oh, how he loved her.

Kuimba once again took notice of Pua's demeanor. He had said nothing, only grinning warmly as his eyes began to get a bit moist. His eyes were focused only on her before she spoke up.

“Pua darling, what is it?”

“Nothing, it’s just…” Pua’s smile grew wider, “you look just as beautiful as the day I lost you.”

Kuimba giggled, “You still desire me after all this time?”

“Of course.” Pua replied, “You were the heart and soul of the float, after all. Life isn’t the same without you.”

“Really? You seemed to be doing just fine without me.”

“That does not mean I missed you any less.”

Kuimba’s smile flourished at those words. A sudden wind whistled in both crocodiles’ ears. She nodded submissively.

“It seems my time is up for now.”

“Your time?”

“As much as I’d love to, I can’t talk to you forever. I only came to give you advice.”

“I see,” Pua said, “will I ever see you again?”

“Whenever you need help, dearest. But I’ll always be watching over you.”

Pua smiled, “Until next time, my love…and thank you.”

Kuimba’s spirit faded within the clouds, leaving Pua alone again. Yet, he did not feel so lonely anymore. He was going to find a new place to call his territory, one fit just for him. He was going to help his former float in any way he could despite his banishment. His old life was behind him.

Now all he had to do was make a new one.

#decided to write my take on what pua was up to during ‘the rise of Makuu’ #i’m really proud of it actually #one shot #creative writing #writing #had this in google docs for a while i just never posted it here til now #pua #the lion guard

[nolantalks]

IS IT SMART TO SAY WHAT GROUPS YOU’RE IN?

I honestly don’t care. Hell I gave a couple of detailed posts on here of the majority of groups I’ve ever been on. I don’t care if people know the current groups that I didn’t make that I’m on. It helps show that all but one of them are aware it’s me and don’t believe the bullshit that has been spread about me at all. And the one group where I use a different alias was at the request of one of their admins and I low key think they know anyway but since there is no OOC list they can just pretend it’s not me and go on about their day instead of stress someone will call them out for ‘allowing me’ on their site after all the shit they talked. Besides, it’ll help focus them on places I actually am on and not some random group some random person whose character has something in common with one of my old ones and harassing it. I find it so funny how they ‘find’ me everywhere but when I actually make it clear where I am it’s so damn hard for them to acknowledge it and when they finally do it’s all ‘ohhhh but we don’t care and weren’t looking or anything, it’s funny he thinks we were ha….ha….ha’

Although…. it is an interesting experiment and we all know these stalkers are my little lab rats.

LOOKS LIKE LESS AND LESS ARE BELIEVING THOSE STORIES ABOUT YOU PARTIAL DUE TO A LACK OF PROOF OF ANY OF THEM.

Better late than never I always say. It comes with the fact that the bullies, Karens, obsessed stalker fans are just insane people. The complete lack of evidence of anything, the fact those that made claims are also deleting them, back tracking or out right admitting to lying. The fact that there is well 1.5 blogs ran by the same narc obsessed fan,m that can’t help but watch everything I do and even send themselves anons pretending to be other people is just… well, required. This person who I’ve never met or interacted with is really hoping I’d get with them at this point. Sorry bitch, already got a fiancée don’t need a toxic girlfriend.

It also helps that these people are known to be problematic themselves and retreat to their hive mind now that the general rpc either doesn’t give a shit about drama anymore or just don’t believe their bullshit. Which leads me to my next topic people Lee asking me about.

WHAT ABOUT THE FANFIC WRITERS? DON’T THEY GOT THEIR OWN PROBLEMATIC ISSUES THAT CAN BE PROVEN?

And that would be a hell yeah. Now I’ve already linked to and provided evidence of quite a lot of this and would definitely provide more if required. But for now either scroll down and find this shit or enjoy the read of how the asshats that tried to make drama with for me were actually the devils of the RPC.

ALR: was insanely cliquey and one of those groups where staff had to have the most powerful characters and they shit talk people in DMs while either avoiding them in chats or worse, acting sweet and nice to them publicly.

WOTNA: I mean I’ve shown this everywhere and it was in their own tags and a Google doc the staff themselves made. Not regarding my experience with them but just that a lot of people that were on it now say how toxic and immature that whole group was especially the staff. The staff admitting they were immature and would do things just because someone pissed them off rather it was hours ago or months ago. And let’s not forget stealing someone’s character and admitting to it with a ‘we thought she wouldn’t notice’ excuse.

Raven: once herald as a ‘pillar of the community’ was in fact insanely toxic. They targeted blogs they didn’t like, got theme makers to shut down their blogs over being told they weren’t going to go through their dozens of themes and edit all the coding to make the font huge and make it not a window theme which they demanded for days. Like the great race faker, a lot of people knew how toxic they were but didn’t say anything til after it was clear they were gone because they were afraid of them. Ranted how they were the best admin on tumblr, the best writer, and other than their friends, no one else was good enough to write on their group and how they hate wasting their time reading subpar apps and having to be nice when discussing edits. Oh and let’s not forget they stole a lot of their codes from other sites like codepen and jcink but claimed them as original since they changed a font color.

MP: the main admin Jo steals peoples OCs and makes them skeleton canons for the group and refuses to take them down when you ask her two and is in her rules that she would do.

HG: insanely toxic. Got my Google doc on that one. But a lot of people also claimed that it was a very cliquey group and toxic with even people in the cliquey choosing to bubble RP and still shit talk each other.

Empire: really don’t have any dirt on them. A friend of staff apparently was told I was going to sue Raven and made up the story I threatened to so the staff for kicking me out because of Raven. They apparently didn’t tell said friend that I had been there for a while already and even just rejoined later on with a new alias as staff told me to do. So…. Maybe jerks for not clearing that up?

CB: insanely cliquey and toxic. That’s coming from my friend as well who openly admits to me how toxic his friend group is and only sticks with them because he’s known them for so long. Members outside of the clique also have their own stories that I wanna say were similar to mine but I honestly didn’t have a story when there. Never interacted with the staff other than ‘oh they replied to my starter let me reply then’ never spoke to them at even when they did that. Well until they made up and activity unfollow just because they were mad I was taking up my friends time with OOC chats and posting *gasps*.

Should I go on with naming the individuals? Because we all know they got their own problematic pasts they wish we’d stop bring up. Here looking at you ms Barbie and Ms shadow hunter.

[brandyllyn]

Hey!! I'm so sorry, I can't find the post - but I think i remember you talking at one point about Scrivener? I am considering buying it and I was wondering if you think its worth it for writing thank you so much and sorry I can't find the post x

Look y'all, I'm trying to not be a sales girl here. I get no commissions. And I know y'all are sick of hearing me yell about this.

BUT IF SOMEONE ASKS I'M ALLOWED TO FANGIRL OKAY?

ramblings under the cut

Yes. In short yes. It is worth every penny. There is no world in which I would be able to write anywhere near as much as I have without it. It got me through law school, through a half million words of fanfic last year, and a law review article. As well as being currently 50k words into my novel.

My favorite features:

Endless nesting of files. I tend to write little scenes and moods first and then go back and figure out how they all tie together. The nesting feature lets me go back and put files together without actually putting them together, I can put things in a folder called "Runaway" and not really know how it's gonna turn out but all the scene ideas are there.

With that, I have whole files/scenes with just ‘something goes wrong’ as a place holder so I can map out my stuff.

Changing icons on files. I use this for both files and folders. For files, I color code so I know what state they're in. Blue means finished and red means it needs a lot of work (with other steps in between). That way I can tell at a glance where I need to be spending my time and I don't keep re-reading the done parts over and over. I use it for folders too. Currently, I have my story divided into the general mood. "Just another Girl", "Catching feelings", etc - that way I know in that in the scenes in that folder, this is how the characters are interacting with each other.

there is a view where you can have all your chapters show as notecards if that’s your jam. it works kind of like a corkboard (it may even be called that). it’s not how my brain works but i’ve seen other people rave about it.

With fanficiton, I like being able to throw a photo of the character up in the Index so i can see it while I'm typing. it helps me keep which character in mind (sometimes Ezra and Whiskey blur for me, for example). 

I also can change the icons so I know that I wrote something for a holiday fic exchange by changing it to a christmas tree, or it was for my inverted celebration has two arrows pointing opposite directions.

Composition mode alone is worth the price of admission. It blanks out your screen and mutes notifications. All you see is what you're writing and the research/resources you want to see.

Typewriter mode. Wherever you're typing stays in the center of the screen. I never thought it would be all that useful but for focus it's great.

You can add tons of folders. I have one called 'Word Dump' outside of my manuscripts where I drop paragraphs and scenes that ended up not working out. That way it never gets deleted. But there’s also ‘Research’, ‘Characters’, ‘Places’, ‘Notes’ and anything you want to add.

There's a photo feature which basically makes a quick copy of what you're writing (the entire doc) so if you change things and end up wanting the other thing back it's there (kind of like going into history in google docs)

Auto save. Auto backup.

Comments and footnotes built in.

Night mode. Another thing I didn't realize I needed til I had it.

You can set word count goals like '50k by May' and it will tell you what daily goal you need to hit that and track it for you.

Exports in any format you could want. Manuscript. Ebook. Word doc.

There's templates for all kinds of things. Poetry, screenplays, novels, nonfiction.

When I was in law school I loved it because I could take notes on my readings, pull full case texts and nest them in my notes, have my briefs as separate files with those cases, put the syllabus on there.

Oh yeah, you can drag and drop whole other files into it. If they're editable it will try to convert it to something it can see. If a PDF or image it just adds it as another file you can thumb through which is great for organizing your research. You can drop photos of castles and floorplans and whatnot into your places folder so you can pull them up while you’re writing for reference.

Their tutorials are really good and there's a lot of online resources. But if you just want to start writing you can just open a blank doc and go for it. At its heart it's a simple word processor.

Really the only thing it doesn't do is sync across devices. I solve this by writing in my notes or an email when I'm out and sending it to myself. When I'm home I can drop it into a scene or start a new file. If you work on multiple computers I think you could solve that by putting the backup into a shared drive so both computers are working off the same file. But I just have the one computer so I haven’t tried that.

So yes. Scrivener is worth it.

#scrivener #i'm a fan okay

[spookyvalentine]

Kasumi, Thane, Shiala for the character ask meme

OHHHHHHHHH i do be too in love

FIRST IMPRESSION

K: a THIEF??? you give me HEIST??? i studied art history in college, and got very focused on art crime and museum security and made several professors quite anxious, so the first time I played 2 and recruited her, she immediately soared to the top of my fave list

T: oh ho oh HO tiddy window. he is... ooh. him pretty. then he talked. HE'S HOT!!!! uh oh weren't you gonna romance garrus?

S: when she feel out of the thorian i was like wat. i am getting my ass kicked by a plant booger. why are you HERE. WHO ARE YOU

IMPRESSION NOW

K: i will die for you. i wanted to see more of her in 3. i wanted to heist the casino with her. extremely in love, forever and always, and if i wanted to punish myself and make another shepard it'd be to romance her

T: shattered. one of the most deeply romantic LIs out there imo. watching him come alive again. unrecoverable. i'll forever love him. also hes hot as fuck lemme lick him. he didn't die, he blasted kai leng in the face the second he leveled his pistol. i will also go to my grave foaming at the mouth what they did to him

S: wife. omg please benchpress me. the first time i played and had that conversation post-thorian and its like oh. you're badass as fuck. a commando and studied for centuries w benezia? AND THEN SHE FLIRTS W YOU IN 2 AND THERE IS NO OPTION FOR FOLLOW UP???? i thought about that scene all the time. and with the next couple playthroughs, every time i got to see her i was like. oh no youre even prettier. oh no you're even cooler. and now its just terminal brainrot. god i wish we couldve recruited her/romanced her. that would have been mad dope. thank god i am sometimes capable of writing fic

FAVORITE MOMENT

K: ohhhh a toughie. it feels like a cop out to say all of them, but her VA does such a damn good job bringing so much personality into her lines so like even going and checking in on her between missions was a delight to hear her comment on squadmates. that heist was so good tho. hoot every time she jumps on the jet and gives hock that jaunty wave. WHAT A BABE!!! i also love when she goes HAha while in combat

T: when he finally talks about irikah and kolyat. it felt so special and intimate to learn about them. and when he cries before kissing shepard. yes.

S: when shE FLIRTS IN 2 OASIFHLJISUDH but seriously when shes free of the thorian and says she wants to help the colony in recompense. that. meant a lot to me. also i watched the renegade version on yt and the fact that she'll just. let shepard kill her without a fight.... that...... ow

IDEA FOR A STORY

K: well. i've got several fics in the works for her w mercy shepard

- new orleans heist

- vinny (the first man kasumi kills)

- ANDERSON NEVER ARRESTS MERCY AU: CRIMELORD MERCY SHEPARD where kasumi is their right hand, and eventually they end up on the trail of saren. alternate recruitment of squadmates >:)

T: i've got a google doc titled cleaning supplies which um. has been the filth i've been posting in chunks. the other fic for him that i just have a barebones bit is hurt/comfort after mercy visits alchera, beginnings of a romance between them. and of course, sports coach au that i will absolutely start actively writing once i've gotten a couple more "essential" mercy fics done

S: i am working on stellan and shiala's first in-person date after the war, inspired by you, the powerful @yellingaboutmasseffect, where they do the floating howl/sophie walk. and then i like to play around with a full-on howl's moving castle shepala au, that i'd probably post scenes from, rather than any sort of longfic. and im still writing very married sleepy fucking. um. yeah. that's almost complete

UNPOPULAR OPINION

K: i will never regret she's there because she makes my life worthwhile, but why was kasumi recruited in the first place?? she's a thief, not a murder powerhouse

T: can't be considered a dilf til kolyat forgives him and even then, hun, you've got a lot of work to do for your kid (which, he does, of course. but it can't be ignored that thane just. abandoned his child)

S: i think she would've made a more fun companion than liara

FAVORITE RELATIONSHIP

(ignoring shepard)

K: i thought the one she had with the spectre jondam bau was fun. i'd write them going on an interrupted heist-turned-date. or a slow burn enemies to lovers thing. if i had time. i also love that kasumi and samara hang out, referenced in 2

T: thane/irikah, of course! what a powerful couple.

S: i would love to read about shiala studying under benezia, and then the curdling relationship has soverign's indoctrination worms between them. to her being sacrificed to the thorian. and then her learning the death of her teacher. like. there's a lot there and it hurts my feelings when i think about it. love that for me :)

FAVORITE HEADCANON

K: her grandmama. i have her as a badass cat burglar that raised kasumi as not only a beloved grandchild, but also her protege. powerful woman. also cared for mercy, but she dies when kasumi is seventeen

T: that he's got a dick like a vodka tampon

S: she's absolutely ripped. i know it. you know it. we all know it. i like the idea that she's both beefy and intellectual. and in my shepala-rotted brain, she's got a real talent for growing flowers :')

#thank you for the asks!!! #these were a lot of fun #and also got me wanting to work on some docs.... #hope you enjoyed!!! i think i got a little carried away #kasumi goto #thane krios #shiala #mass effect #literally the top three im hideously in love with thank u #thane/irikah #shrios

[agustdiv1ne]

thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

#i'm sorry if i missed anyone :(( #j know i love and appreciate u a lot #it's j my thumbs are literally cramping up as i type this :( #2021 celebration! #happy new year y'all #lmk if any of links are wrong bc i will fix them asap

[luminescentauthor]

Sora/Nao Getting Together and Relationship Headcanons!

Wow lookit me posting twice in one day!

Please read this post of HCs about their third year or this will make absolutely no sense to you! You can also read part two but it’s long and you don’t need to for this to make sense.

However, if you don’t want to read either of those, the run down is: Sora is cap, Mokichi vice; their year are all on first-name basis since around the end of second year; when people ask if any of the three boys are dating, all four of them just shrug and smile cryptically, because they got really sick of people asking; Nao briefly had a boyfriend named Nakamura but turned out he was just trying to get info on her team for his school so he cheated on her and the team rioted. Tobi and Madoka beat him up.)

This is four and a half pages of a Google Doc, so please see below the cut for the HCs!

Oh also btw this has minor Tobi/Mokichi because, hello, Tobi is living in my mind rent free and he’s not letting me evict him. (Even though I would really, really like to.)

In the middle of Sora and Nao's second year, the entire rest of the boys' team plus the girls' team made a pact not to interfere with Sora and Nao's relationship, and let them sort things out on their own, because some people were getting antsy and tempted to get involved. And they are... starting to regret that.

Tobi, especially, is starting to regret that, and he kind of wants to strangle them both because they're both so dense jfc-

Chiaki is the only one who doesn't know about the pact, since the fact that Nao likes Sora has been very carefully kept from him, and basically so is anything about Nao in general. There’s a pact on the team to make sure to keep such things from him. (Momoharu is the one responsible for this and he's not the least bit sorry. It’s saved him so much pain.)

Nao has been crushing on Sora since first year, and Sora not denying it when people ask if they're dating is NOT helping her feelings, good God.

She spends like a solid twenty minutes every day panicking and/or crying in the arms of one of her friends on the girls' team and/or Tobi.

He is arguably her closest friend on the team beyond Sora (read here for my post about why I think they’re friends), and has long since passed the point of sympathetic into "Oh my God just ask ‘im out, Jesus-" and honestly, so has pretty much everyone except Mokichi, but Mokichi has the patience of a saint.

Sora probably got over Madoka in his second year if he confessed to her (again) and she gently rejected him or if she found a boyfriend (read: Momoharu, probably. I dunno if they worked out, but if they didn’t they remained very good friends. Yes, that’s actually a thing people can do!) 

Some time passed, he was over it, and then he developed a more serious crush on Nao after a while.

And it just keeps getting worse and Sora is not thrilled with that. In fact, he's panicking, because feelings.

He's spent a grand total of at least nine hours on the phone ranting to Momoharu (because again, Nao does not get mentioned to Chiaki, so Momoharu it is!)

The entire rest of the team is suffering. First years, second years, Tobi and Mokichi, and those who have graduated. No one is spared. The girls' team has been roped in as well. More than a few people bond over sheer doneness with these two idiots.

Tobi, calling Momoharu: I wanna Die.

Momoharu: Mood, why?

Tobi: Nao ‘as the biggest crush on Sora and won’t do anythin’ about it and I'm sufferin’.

Momoharu: CHRIST, NO -- HE'S DOING THE SAME THING I’M -- WHY IS THIS MY LIFE???

Tobi: Oh my God.

Tobi: I hate them both so, so much.

Momoharu, vehemently: Mood.

Tobi and Mokichi are bearing the brunt of it, and Momoharu is also dealing with quite a lot of the bullsh*t.

Tobi, bitterly, lying on his bed while on the phone with Mokichi and Momoharu: How immoral is it to lock two of yer best friends in a broom closet or locker an’ not let ‘em out ‘til they deal with their feelins like adults?

Mokichi, tiredly: Kenji-kun, no.

Momoharu: I hate to say this because I would like to see that, and it would be very cathartic, but no because they would die in that closet before fessing up.

Tobi:

Tobi: I hate that yer prolly right.

Shigeyoshi "literal actual angel" Kaname has been dealing with ranting from both parties since second year, and he and Tobi have taken to meeting up weekly for lunch or coffee for the sole purpose of complaining about their dumbass friends, and honestly? They get a lot closer because of it.

Tobi, throwing open the door to Mokichi’s house with a bang: KANAME YA ARE NOT GOIN’ TO BELIEVE THIS SH*T-

Mokichi, exasperated, staring down at his phone with its messages from Sora: Oh, I’m pretty sure I will.

Mokichi’s sister: How do you keep getting in-

Tobi: Oh I nabbed Kaname’s key like three months back.

Mokichi: wAIT is that where that go to I thought I lost it?!

Tobi: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tobi gets roped into Sora's group of "people to rant to" with Mokichi and Momoharu and, at this point, Chiaki as well (Sora eventually told Chiaki, and Chiaki acted all comically betrayed but things were fine) (Momoharu mostly told people not to tell Chiaki in order to annoy Chiaki in all honesty.)

Tobi: Why the f*ck did I agree ta stay at this school

Mokichi: Why did I come to this school at all

Tobi: Why did I join tha basketball team

Tobi: Why did I let Sora become my friend

Tobi: How did I let Sora become my friend?????? Like how did tha’ even happen Jesus I'm still not sure

Mokichi: Poor decisions were made?

Tobi, vehemently: Poor decisions were made.

Then Nao gets a boyfriend and literally everything goes to sh*t (please read THIS POST for the context. It’s the same one I linked at the top. Again, this will make no sense without it. Go read.)

Nao is trying to get over her feelings for Sora because despite having no reason to believe so (having not... asked him about it), she firmly believes that he doesn't return them.

Mokichi has to actually physically restrain Tobi to prevent him from strangling them both on at least two occasions. Like seriously. Tobi might have really punched Sora if he hadn't been held back by local noodle-armed beanpole.

To this day absolutely none of the underclassmen (or Nao and Sora) are sure how Mokichi did that, because third-year Tobi is 180-something centimeters of pure wiry muscle and Mokichi, despite being a two-meter tall noodle, is still a noodle, and his arms are very very noodley.

Where he found the physical strength to restrain an angry Tobi is literally a complete mystery, because Tobi is strong to begin with but when you're trying to restrain his entire person from walking where he wants to? Good luck.

(The answer is he just wraps his longass noodle arms around Tobi and clings to him and is like "kay have fun dragging me around" and Tobi is like "ಠ_ಠ Kaname ya are heavy" "yes that is the point" "f*ck ya.")

Mokichi, whispering frantically on the phone: Momoharu-san please help Kenji-kun is trying to commit murder.

Tobi, yelling in the background: YA KNOW FULL WELL THA’ I CAN HEAR YA, KANAME!

Sora cries about Nao and Tobi is very tempted to just let him sulk, but Mokichi strongarms him into coming over to a sleepover at his house with Sora and basically the three of them just form a giant cuddle pile on the couch and watch stupid movies and eat a lot of ice cream while Tobi ribs Sora over anything and everything, and Sora soon finds himself laughing instead of crying.   

Sora loves his friends so much??? He’s so glad he stuck with the basketball team????  

Momoharu is this close to just blocking Sora's number.

"Sora. Sora you are one of my closest friends, and you know I love you, but I am in class for f*ck's sake-"

Seriously Sora keeps calling him just to b*tch about how horrible Nao's boyfriend is and Momoharu might actually go crazy.

If Sora drags on Nao’s boyfriend on more time Tobi is going to throttle him, he's had enough.

Mokichi is hitting the limits of his patience too, and that's actually an accomplishment.

But Tobi won’t lie, he’s getting a bad vibe off that guy? He does seem kind of sleazy? And when he hesitantly points that out over lunch with Mokichi -- they meet up just to complain about Nao and Sora at least once a week now -- Mokichi agrees, with a pensive frown, that he also has a bad vibe.

He doesn’t know, Mokichi says. Maybe they’re just all protective of Nao. Tobi sighs and agrees. 

Tobi is fully aware of his big brother reflex by this point, but he will never, ever admit that he has such a thing out loud. 

Turns out Sora was completely right about Nao’s boyfriend, though. (Even if it was just Sora being jealous, not actually Sora being intelligent.) The guy cheats on Nao, because he's a terrible person, and Sora is this close to hunting him down and committing murder, but he doesn't know what school he goes to.

Madoka calls Tobi to give him the guy's location, and Tobi goes, "please don' tell Sora tha's a bad idea" and Madoka goes "do you think I'm insane??"

Tobi and Madoka then absolutely thrash the guy and then get coffee afterwards and bond over oh my god, our friends are so dumb, because Madoka has been putting up with Nao's rants since first year.

Eventually Sora and the rest of the team convince (the very easily convinced) Tobi to give up the idiot's location and they all take a trip to beat the crap out of him.

Madoka then joins the I Have Pining Idiot Friends support group, which consists of Tobi, Mokichi, and Momoharu.

It's actually Madoka who finally decides to break the "no interfering" pact, after hearing about the sheer extent of the bullsh*t that's been happening, the parts that Nao didn't mention to her. She calls Sora and very tiredly goes "please just ask Nao-chan out, everyone is suffering."

Sora: wHAT

Tobi, eavesdropping as they're all changing: She told ya to ask Nao out

Tobi: Or I'm goin’ to deck ya I stg -- my patience is a very much finite resource, Sora.

Mokichi, tiredly: Please don't kill our captain

Tobi, ignoring him: Sora I am dead serious. Ask her out, or I will break yer nose, consequences be damned.

Tobi is So Relieved that the pact is over. He knew he'd catch grief for it if he broke it, and the second Madoka does, his reaction is "TIME TO PHYSICALLY THREATEN SORA INTO CONFESSING! YAY!"

Tobi, no.

Madoka is wheezing somewhere in the background but is also in full support of this movement.

After a large number of threats, Sora, bright red, stutters through asking Nao out to the amusement park or something, and Nao, also bright red, screams "WHAT" and Sora goes "Uh -- God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" and goes to run.

And smacks directly into Mokichi who's like, "Uh, no, you're going nowhere. I am so done."

Tobi, internally: Oh thank God fer Kaname.

Nao, still a tomato, manages to squeak out "I'd love to!"

After Sora and Nao get through the "Really?!" "Really!" part, Tobi dramatically falls to his knees and yells "THANK F*CKING GOD, FINALLY," which, fair.

(And as Sora and Nao are stuttering through a semi-normal conversation after that, maybe Mokichi is in the background, shyly asking Tobi out for coffee without the excuse of talking about Sora and Nao, because maybe their relationship went from "I don't want people to think we're friends" to "I guess you're decent" to "we're friends" to something unnamed and fragile and delicate and maybe a little bit precious. And maybe when Tobi leans against his shoulder and Mokichi wraps an arm around his waist at practice, no one is surprised.)

It's on their third date, in a park after going to a cafe, when Nao abruptly asks, "Sora-kun, can I kiss you?"

Sora short circuits (again.) And Nao freezes up and goes, "Sorry, sorry, too soon, I'm so sorry-" and Sora freaks out and goes, "NO, NO IT'S FINE, I was just -- just surprised!"

They both calm down and take deep breaths, and then Sora steps closer and gently cups the back of her head as her eyes go wide and he asks, "is this okay?" She nods and nervously places one hand around his neck. They lean into each other and kiss softly, and it feels right.

They’re both bright red but they’re both smiling like idiots, and Sora holds her close and thinks, “Godd*mn I got lucky.” He whispers that to her, and she laughs, flustered, and says “Yeah, I did too.”

After six weeks or so of going out, Nao and Sora make it a "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing and now if Mokichi or Tobi are asked if they're dating Nao, they say that she's dating Sora; Nao blushes and shyly corrects the person if they asked about Mokichi/Tobi, or shyly confirms if it was about Sora; Sora just smiles, and confirms that he's dating Nao, blushing.

Mokichi invites Momoharu, Madoka, and Chiaki to lunch with the third years when they have a day off from practice for the sole purpose of giving Nao and Sora a hard time about their mutual pining

Tobi swears up and down that he's going to read out the most embarrassing speech at their wedding and expose them to everyone there, and Nao and Sora both turn bright red and short circuit for a solid five minutes at the mention of marriage while the others laugh at them.

At the end of the year, Nao and Sora receive a trophy from their kouhai that says "Most Disastrous Couple Ever." Tobi and Mokichi didn't stop laughing for a solid twenty minutes, and Tobi is still giving them sh*t about the trophy five years later.

They both attend university and maintain their relationship throughout. Sora proposes when they’re both 29, at the same park where they had their first kiss, on the anniversary of the day they met, because he’s sappy AF. Tobi is rolling his eyes somewhere in the background. 

It’s a warm summer night. They get dinner at an expensive formal restaurant. He takes her to the park, and reminisces about the first time they went there together. It was the day Nao joined the team, he recalls. She had left after the practice game, and he had followed her. He had been so impressed by her, he tells her, and he still is. He doesn’t know how he came to deserve her, and she blushes and says she feels the same about him, that he’s just as amazing.

Sora covers her eyes and leads her to a ring of trees in the middle of the park, and uncovers them to reveal that they’re standing in a gazebo covered in flowers and fairy lights. And he smiles at her, and gets down on one knee. Nao’s hands fly to her mouth as he says, “I have been in love with you for well over ten years, and I would like to call you my family officially. Nanao Nao, my light, the love of my life, my everything, will you marry me?”

“Of course I will, you big sap!” she cries, tackling him, tears in her eyes, and kisses him. Neither of them care that they’re getting dirt on their suit and dress; the only thing that matters to either of them is each other. 

They get married roughly a year after. Madoka is Nao’s maid of honor. Sora’s best man is probably Momoharu, Tobi, or Mokichi. Maybe Chiaki? I don’t know. 

I almost want to make it Momoharu just because he would first completely drag Sora and Nao for their bullsh*t back in high school, grinning, and then invite Tobi up on stage to polish it off. Tobi, on the other hand, would just roast them on his own, which is probably why Sora decides not to make Tobi his best man. (“I trusted you, Momoharu-kun!” “Well that’s on you, Sora.”)

(And if Tobi catches the bouquet and gives it to Mokichi, no one’s saying anything.)

(They will, however, be saying things when Tobi gets down on one knee in the center of the dance floor an hour into the reception and says, “Given that our relationship was formed by bondin’ over these two idiots takin’ two and a half years ta get together, it only seems right that we tie tha knot because they did too. Kaname, will ya marry me?” Mokichi cries and says yes. Nao and Sora also cry. Yes, Tobi got their permission to steal their thunder beforehand. He was sorely tempted not to, just to get back at them, because yes he’s still salty about high school, but he figured he’d better ask.)

When they’re about 38, they adopt a daughter! And yes the others are her aunts and uncles.

Her name is Akari, which means light, and she is a problem child, but she's definitely not Tobi/Hanazono twins levels of problem child, and they love her anyway.

Her name is Nanao-Kurumatani Akari, because screw gender norms, says Sora. Nao’s reaction is “oh my God I love you so much.”

She was about 5 when they adopted her.

Her favorite uncle/aunt is Mokichi (absolutely no one understands why including Mokichi himself) and yes Tobi is mad.

Also Tobi adores her. Tobi sees a small child? Are you kidding me, have you seen him with his sister? Tobi seems like he'd be with horrible with kids but he loves the little sh*ts.

She plays basketball as a PF and she is so tall and yes, Sora is salty.

Scoring machine and inside player, but also learned strategy from Nao (after a terrible loss, she asked her mother to teacher her) and.... fear.jpg.

Basically, Sora and Nao are the most tooth-rotting-ly sweet, romantic, cliché in the best way, sappy, and adorable couple ever, and it’s bad for everyone’s dentist bills.

Here’s a Sora/Tobi edition (I apologize to SoraNao shippers because it’s twice as long and I didn’t even realize that for ages), because again, I have Tobi brainrot. God help me.

You can also check out my Ahiru no Sora Headcanons tag.

#ahiru no sora #ahiru no sora headcanons #headcanons #nanao nao #kurumatani sora #natsume kenji #tobi #shigeyoshi kaname #mokichi #kurumatani sora x nanao nao #soranao? naosora? soranao. #soranao #natsume kenji x shigeyoshi kaname #aka tobi x mokichi #tobimoki #me: TOBI GTFO THIS ISN'T UR POST THAT'S COMING LATER?! #tobi: what if nah

[ontowanderlust]

How to say I love you? (1)

A/N: Okay, I need to come clean, this one has been sitting in my google docs for some months now. I finished this just as the semester has ended and I had submitted it to two different betas just to double check. Special thanks to: @stuckwithcats and @grimpower-s you guys are awesome and this is the fruits of your putting up with me. (I think.) One of the reasons why I haven’t posted this til now was I couldn’t find a title that would suit this so let’s just leave it like that. Let me know if you guys have better ideas. The other reason was just I’m too lazy to post this. My betas knew that I had a name written here but I had to revert to second person since... this is tumblr. (Though, the last name is predetermined already, don’t fight me on this.) Let me know if this sucks or if you guys like it.

Also some reminders:

Five is eighteen in this fic

The apocalypse had already happened

(Spoiler) They are sent back in time

And there are some of the 43 involved in this fic (not necessarily in this particular post but as the story goes along... maybe. If I find the will to start prompt number 3.)

Alternatively: 7 times he confessed and the 1 time she accepted his confession / 8 ways to say I Love You

Fandom: The Umbrella Academy

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Fem!reader

Prompt: This prompt is brought to you by R. McKinley (you write beautifully, may I just say) and @chickenshit‘s photo edit. I did say that I’m gonna write something about this, right?

=Masterlist=

Number Five rarely forgets.

Scratch that, he never forgets.

He took pride in being dubbed as the genius among his siblings- the one who is rather well adept beyond his years (technically speaking, he is really an old man in an eighteen year old’s body. But well details, details.)

Being the genius means that his oversized brain has the capacity to retain everything he had learned, adapted during his years of exile in an apocalyptic reality.

Thus, the claim he never forgets.

Him being drunk, (no, he never gets drunk- though his brothers can attest to the false negativity of this statement) states otherwise.

And so, when he woke up with a splitting headache, and a junkie brother sitting on the chair adjacent to his bed with a shit eating grin, he knew he must’ve done something fucked up otherwise, his brother wouldn’t bother waiting for him to wake up- or more importantly, stay sober like now.

“Good morning, dearest brother of mine!” Klaus sing-songed while he simply groaned, burying his head deeper in his pillow in an attempt to drown this weirdo’s annoying voice. “Don’t you just love the sweet, sweet hangover the morning after? Welcome to adulthood, kiddo!”

“Fuck off, asshole.” He groaned as he reached for a spare pillow, blindly spatial jumping the object to Klaus’ direction while the former simply laughed as he dodged the offending item. “Can’t you just go one day without being… I dunno, being you?”

Klaus let out an overly dramatic gasp as he placed his right hand over his chest, feigning offense even if his brother couldn’t see him. His eyes were twinkling in delight seeing his over-dignified brother being so…. undignified. “And here I thought, you were warming up to me.”

“Get out.”

The seance frowned, rolling his eyes at this boy’s grumpiness, getting up as to leave his brother be. He could’ve sworn that this grumpy old man had been warming up to them- or at least softening especially with Y/- wait a minute! Now he could recall why he bothered waiting for him to wake up!

“Fine,” He drawled out ever so dramatically. Turning around, he let his mouth curling up to a giddy grin. “By the way, have you talked to Y/N yet? Sweet, sweet dear Y/N, I’m sure she’s been up all night thinking about what you said to her last night.”

Five’s eyebrows furrowed as he lifted his head quickly, turning to face his brother- forgetting the fact that he had lost count as to how much he had drank last night, not accounting the headache that came with this hangover phase because the next thing he knew, a sharp pain had invaded his head that he had to clutch it in order to lessen the pain (if he wasn't suffering from this fucking headache, he would have berated himself for foolishly thinking that clutching his head would alleviate the pain.)

Klaus cooed, unsympathetic for his situation. “Ooh, that had got to hurt.”

“What…” Five wheezed out, digging his nails to the side of his head to divert the pain. “What are you talking about?”

“Why, I’m talking about your pain, dear little brother should I-”

“Not that dumbass,” he gritted his teeth. Man, this brother of his is testing his patience today, and it's only nine in the morning. “What do you mean by message?”

Klaus clutched his chest, jaw dropped mockingly. “You mean to tell me that you couldn’t recall what you just said to dear, dearest Y/N?” He clicked his tongue. “And here I thought you were being sincere.”

And with that parting note, he left him as bemused and- for the first time ever- confused for all its worth, grinning triumphantly as he skipped around the safety of the hallway where Five won’t be able to harm him, that is, until he tripped at the discarded pillow that wasn’t there before.

Fuck you, old man.

“Obviously you know who you wanted to speak to hence you're dialing this number but if you don't then that's your problem." Y/N's voice welcomed his senses as he dragged himself out of his bed, pulling on a decent pair of pants while his phone was cradled by his other hand as he made his way towards the kitchen.

He needs coffee, stat.

Sitting down on one of the chairs, his fingers anxiously tapped on the counter as he racked his brain for some sort of event that involves the girl that has been haunting his thoughts for the past few months now.

But try as hard as he can he couldn't think of anything he did that would make Klaus- for fuck's sake- taunt him. He hadn't gotten her in danger now, had he?

Impossible. If it comes to worst, she can take care of herself. And if anything, she’s got her brothers by her side if anything happens.

So. What is it that Klaus was-

"Anyway, if you know who you're talking to, and you know what you need to say, leave a message after the beep. But if you don't, stop wasting my time then." Her automated message ended, leaving a beep in its wake, his eyes widening as the missing memories from last night came crashing back to him.

"You know why I've been so harsh on you?" he slurred as his eyebrows furrowed as Klaus gave him a drunken smile and thumbs up, swaying into the beat. "No, what was it that you called me? 'A cultured unfeeling jerk whose mouth can fit more garbage than the dumpster?'" he scoffed, lazily grinning at nothing in particular.

"Well joke's on you, this unfeeling jerk whose mouth can fishzzy misshy garbage has feelings, did you know? I'm angry at my brother uh... Number 2 for stealing my marshmallow pack...and oh! I'm disgusted at how Klaus is chugging that big bottle thingie, see now? I have feelings! I have feelings, Morris! I have feelings... for you! Like… love! I love you like this much! I love you more than Dolores!" he flailed his arms wildly, dropping the phone in the process and making Klaus freeze mid-sway, staring at him with wide eyes.

However, in his inebriated state, he ignored his brother's weirdness and proceeded to pick up the phone and continued talking as if the intended girl had been on the other line. "Shit, shhh... Don't tell Dolores I told you that. She's... she hadn't taken our break up well. Now, did you hear me? I. Love. You!"

And with that, contentment seemed to flash through his face as he hung up feeling lighter after he had screamed his heart out, passing out the moment he had pressed end call.

Oh, if only he had her ability to manipulate time without setting any anomaly in the present timeline- anything to undo his stupidity the night before. He banged his head on the counter with hopes of his embarrassment dying down.

“Y/N, dearest!”

Shit.

Go to fucking hell, Klaus.

Strings of profanities escaped his lips as he clenched his fists,  willing himself to spatial jump the hell out of the kitchen but with his hangover state, his ability faltered, leaving static blue in its wake.

“What the hell are you doing?”

He looked up, cursing himself for being caught up with the malfunction of his ability that he hadn’t been able to hear the two people he didn’t want to see.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Klaus grinned at him, maliciously. Just one punch. One punch, that’s all it takes to knock this nuisance off his socks. (And payback for socking him without permission during that mission to prevent the apocalypse) “Dearie, he’s trying to avoid you.”

She threw him a confused look, her eyebrows furrowing in the process. “Avoid me?” she repeated. Did she not receive the humiliating voicemail or is she playing along to Klaus’ merciless mockery? “What did I do this time?” she asked, setting down a bag of groceries- no doubt an excuse of his dear brother to get her to their mansion.

“Oh didn’t you know?”

Five threw his brother the worst glare he could muster, making him shrink back, muttering a lousy excuse to the girl before scurrying to leave the room.

One would think the seance had grown a backbone since his discovery of his ability, or the way he kept taunting Five that morning. But one glare from him had Number Four running with his tail in between his legs. (Would it be weird for him to feel satisfied at the fact that he could control his siblings much effectively than Luther? And to think that was just a glare.)

Y/N frowned and yet, when she turned to look at the other Hargreeves- who’s acting all weirder than usual- she saw him running his palm across his face with a tired expression.

Silence engulfed them as she went to pull out the objects from the bag, setting them down to the counter.

They may have often clashed throughout the short time they had known each other- sometimes turning their heated debate into a contest of snarky remarks and harsh words, but the silence they now shared seemed all so heavy and suffocating all at once.

“Should I leave?” she spoke suddenly, not daring to steal a glance. “Whatever it is that I did-”

“It’s fine,” he cut her off, resigned to the fact that he had to come clean to her- one way or the other. “You didn’t do anything. Klaus was just being a dick.”

She scoffed, allowing the heavy feeling to dissipate as she continued the task at hand. It may not be her job to place things where they are usually located but there’s something therapeutic about the repetitive actions she’s doing. “Pot says to the kettle.” she mumbled.

This is good, right? There’s no indication that she knew about his late night ramblings or that she wanted to know more about the ramblings. No need to talk about what’s not being brought up, right?

His train of thoughts were interrupted when he saw her pull out a monster sized package of marshmallows- the ones he had been bemoaning to her last night.

“You knew,” he mumbled, taking note of the way her movement falter- maybe it was unnoticeable, but in the short span he knew her, he could almost notice everything about her, especially the small movements.

“The unfeeling jerk whose mouth can fill up more garbage than the dumpster can actually feel things!” she mimicked him with a nasally high pitched voice. “I’m angry at Number 2 for stealing my marshmallows blah, blah, blah.” she giggled as she threw the package at him, him deftly catching it.

“I don’t talk like that,”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes at him. “Drunken Number Five begs to differ.” There was something about the way her tone shifted into a much somber one, making him glance back at her, trying to figure her out. “Anyway!” her tone shifted back to normal,at least for her,patting his cheek twice. “Don’t worry, your highness. I will never hold your drunken thoughts against you, this I swear.”

Without even letting him speak, she squeezed his shoulder and wordlessly left him, mind racing.

The one time he was honest about his feelings, she didn’t believe him.

#The Umbrella Academy #How to say I love you #Five Hargreeves #Five Hargreeves imagine #Five Hargreeves x Reader #Klaus Hargreeves #Number Five #Number Four #Number Five x reader #Number Five imagine #Robert Sheehan #Aidan Gallagher

[glrchmp]

i’m just gonna dump all the shit i rambled about to shan last night. to give you an idea of what my leon portrayal is like ‘til i... make a proper about section on the google doc lmao

in my hc leon is desi—his family on both sides are from india (or whatever pkmn's equivalent is; copperajah is said in its dex entry it's from a far away region). his mom's parents were immigrants and his father's family had been in galar for a while. he's not too tied to his culture due to having a bit of a gap between him and his family since he became champion but he is fluent in hindi thanks to his grandparents wanting him to learn it when he was small.

during the game he's around… twenty-one? it says on his league card that he started his journey at ten, so i'd assume he became champion at ten as well. the game says he’s an adult, and also says hop remembers leon telling him he’d become champion so leon would have to be eighteen at the Least since hop is still a kid (around like fifteen imo). ANYWAYYYY he’s still pretty young!

when he was six and hop was still a few months old their father died from illness and it shook him pretty hard because he was attached to his dad, more so than his mom, and that’s such a young age to lose a parent and he never really knew how to cope with it.

the thing is though was he was forced to grow up too fast. his dad dying when he was young, he felt like he had to fill his role as hop was growing up (sonia did say leon “practically raised” hop). but going on a journey at ten and becoming champion at ten kinda tore him away from his family and… well. he had his childhood stolen from him. at ten he had already started questioning his gender identity but hadn’t come out yet, so his sense of identity being skewed while forced into the position of champion and becoming this icon and role model when he was still so young.

they called him a prodigy, becoming champion so young and on his first try, and everyone who had watched him during the league challenge had already noted he was insanely skilled as a trainer, not losing to a single trainer once. leaving his friends sonia and raihan in the dust, basically, and taking them both down in the champion cup. and then rose started saying he could be a hero — because galar needed a hero in the years to come, he could be like the old heroes of galar leon always heard stories about (and leon had excitedly asked him if he could wear a cape, since he was going to be a hero now!), and what ten-year-old wouldn’t love to hear that? the chairman himself acting like the father he had years ago, but there was something different in his eyes that leon was too young to notice.

i should mention, at ten he basically becomes his family’s main breadwinner.

at twelve he figures out his Gender Stuff and confides in his friends and hop (who excitedly calls him his big brother immediately) and at thirteen he comes out publicly and not long after manages to convince rose to help pay for his name change (and rose had agreed, of course, but his smile didn’t really reach his eyes—leon was too starstruck to notice, or care). rose also helped him with changing his image a bit, pulling any merchandise, commercials, ads, etc with his face on them and replacing them with new things more suited to who he really was now. at that point something in his relationship with rose shifted, but he was too young to notice then—when he looks back on it now, in hindsight, it gives him a foul taste on his tongue.

at sixteen he gets permission to start hormone therapy, and at seventeen he gets top surgery. sonia and raihan are there for him the entire time and leon had already started noticing he had some Big Feelings towards raihan even before this (maybe since they first met as kids, even). raihan always laughing with him, teasing him, holding his hand to lead him places whenever he got lost. raihan sitting at his bedside post-surgery showing him funny videos on his phone while he was stoned from painkillers… but leon staring at raihan’s face more than at the phone screen… basically, this boy is GAY.

once the eternatus stuff happens… this is basically what rose was grooming him for to begin with. to be the one to defeat and catch eternatus and “save” galar. to be the “hero” rose always told him he could be. but being a hero doesn’t sound so appealing anymore when it’s been drilled into you for over a decade until you don’t have a real grasp on your identity outside of hero, outside of champion (who is he now, really?). it’s not so appealing when you’re standing in front of a three-thousand-year-old, sixty-five-foot-tall monstrosity oozing venom who brings back galar’s darkest day. and then it beats you, leaves you crumbled against the ground as two children, one being your brother, brings it down and saves the day.

(he wasn’t the hero this time, and he has mixed feelings about that.)

he wakes up in a hospital bed with a searing pain along his ribs, like he’s being burned, like his skin is coming off and he cries from the pain the moment he wakes up and then the memories come rushing back, everything that happened to put him here. and he cries more. and when the nurses come in to give him medicine and change his bandages he still cries and falls unconscious again. when he wakes up again sonia is there, and then raihan is there, and raihan holds his hand and smiles at him. tells him that he may be the champ, but he shouldn’t force himself out onto the pitch just yet if he’s hurting. but leon being leon goes out there three days later.

and he loses.

(people say it’s leon’s first lost in 11 years, but eternatus was truly his first loss.)

his title of champion taken from him, and he doesn’t know who he is anymore even though he has so many people in his life that love him. so many fans that love him whether he’s champion or not. he strikes one more pose in the pitch despite the searing pain in his body and grins even if there are tears stinging at his eyes.

ughh im rambling anyway leon figures out who he is outside of being champion eventually but it’s a Process. but… he gets there! slowly but surely. and he learns how to be happy. starts the battle tower, takes the role as chairman when rose is carted off to jail. has more time to be… himself. in the league cards it even says he seems livelier in the battle tower… anyway, i love him,

#bio. #hrrngnghghf #headcanon.

[icefir-windbreaker]

All-Stars -Story Mode- [CHAPTER 2]

I know, it’s a bit too early and I had wrote this second chapter on Google Docs but I had thought about it recently hours later after I had posted til I decided: What the hell? I’ll post the second one. ;3

Enjoy

                                                    -Chapter 2-

After Boris locked the door, they were surrounded in darkness, no sight to see but they are able to hear their own breathes and knowing it’s their own and someone else’s. There’s nothing to do but wait…

Then, they heard the light switch flicked on and the lights gone on with a dim and saw the bunker in the light.

It does looked like an ordinary home for a normal family to stay in, it had a couch, a wooden wire spool for a table, oven, sink, a fridge and a room with bunk beds. Even a bathroom.

Boris walked over to the wire spool table and placed down his backpack on it as Bendy ran eagerly to look at what Boris had brought.

‘’So so so??’’ Bendy asked so very eagerly, ‘’What did you got with you? What did you go with you?’’

Boris held up his finger and got out a can that read ‘’Bacon Soup’’ on it, then showed Bendy that he had got 7 cans of Bacon Soup. 7 cans of soup means it can last 7 days of food.

Bendy clapped his hands happily as he looked at the cans, ‘’Woo! Good more soup!’’ the greedy Ink Demon said with glee and then he looked over at the two cups and the human child as he asked ‘’Did you have something for them as well Boris?’’

Boris had yet again held his finger out as he rummaging through the backpack and he got out a blue metal kettle and 8 cups of metal cups and 3 metal mugs along with the ingredients needed to make coffee.

The two brothers smiled at each other as they looked at the set of kettle and cups with mugs along with the ingredients had reminded them of home back in Inkwell.

Frisk looked at the Cup brothers and smiled with comfort as they reminded the human child of the two Skele brothers as well.

*Even though this isn’t like home.

*But watching the smile on the brothers’ faces,

*it fills you with DETERMINATION.

*And comfort.

Frisk walked over to the table as they took off their backpack and placed it on the table and rummaged through to get out their own food they had got from the convent store earlier.

Bendy looked over to Frisk and said ‘’Well, since you meet my friend Boris and know my name already, I guess it’s time to tell me your name, So what is it?’’

*You gave Bendy the Dancing Demon your name.

‘’Frisk huh? Nice to meet you. Do you know what is happening here?’’ Bendy asked. Frisk shook their head, implying that they don’t know.

‘’I see. We were trying to figure that out since we got here. But…’’ Bendy said before his sentence had faded as he looked at the ceiling. The look he had on his face was wonder as the two brothers noticed this.

‘’What is it?’’ Mugman asked to Bendy, who looked at him. ‘’Before you guys came along, I think we were the first ones here on the day before you came. We found ourselves with a tree with pinkish white flowers, what is it called?’’

>[Cherry Blossom Tree]                                                                [Apple Blossom Tree]

                                            >[Cherry Blossom Tree]<

‘’Cherry blossom tree, never heard of it before but okay, it was near sunset but even through me and Boris never saw one before, it’d felt peaceful just seeing it. But it gotten even something more… What is that word again?’’

‘’Wonderful?’’ Cuphead said as Bendy looked at him, ‘’Wonderful! That’s it! Wonderful!’’ he said as Mugman and Frisk looked at Bendy like he was a child, as if the child is a Ink Demon. Bendy lowered and uppered his head like a bird swooping down to catch its prey.

‘’When night time came, the blossoms… They began to glow white while the wind breeze by, petals flying away like shooting stars. The light of those simples as them too.’’ Bendy continued with his story.

‘It’d must’ve been very beautiful.’’ Mugman commented on Bendy’s story as he could already imaged what if him and his brother were there to see the trees glow then Cuphead said ‘’But, we never thought of the trees would do something like this before. How is that possible?’’

Then that’s when Frisk raised their hand if they had a suggestion, winch caught Bendy’s attention. ‘’Yes Frisk?’’ Bendy asked.

*You told Bendy that the glowing cherry blossom trees at night time had reminded them of Echo Flowers from the Underground.

*Others had noticed you said

Underground.

‘’You been into an underground? Was it a cave or a…’’ Cuphead said before Frisk shook their head as they decided to tell this tale.

Long time ago, two races ruled over earth:

Humans and Monsters.

They had been in peace for years until one day, war broke out between the two races.

In the end, it was the race of men achieved victory in the war against the monsters and sealed them in the underground caverns with a spell.

Then years later, a child climbed up Mount Ebott with an unhappy reason till they tipped and fell into the Underground, the prince named Asriel had found the injured human child and took them back home.

The prince’s parents decided to the adopt the human and hope had reigned in the Underground, they knew this would bring the two worlds together again.

Until one horrible day, the human had fallen ill to an unknown disease and dying.

The human’s life was withering away as they requested that they want to see the flowers in their village just one last time but with the barrier up, there’s nothing that they could do.

Then a day came and the human gave in to the illness and died in their bed.

Asriel, overcome with grief of the lost of their sibling, absorbed their soul and his soul became fused with the human’s, turning into his powerful form.

He then took the human’s cold lifeless body and actually crossed the barrier to carry the human back to their village.

As he reached the village, he laid the body down the bed of flowers and stood in the silence of the night until he heard a scream ringed out. The villagers looked at the prince and the child and began to attack Asriel because they all thought he had killed his friend.

The prince had the power to destroy all with just a tip of a finger but he refused to fight back and instead took a blow after blow from the humans.

They all severely damaged him after they gave it all they could throw at him but he smiled and walked away with the human’s body still in his arms.

Asriel crossed the barrier and came back to the Underground, lethally wounded, his body fell down on top of the garden of flowers and died with the human child next to him. Once deceased, his body turned to dust and scattered across the garden.

The Underground’s ruler, Asgore, angered out of grief, declared that the war will begin and every human who falls down will die.

And over the years, 6 humans had met the same fate…

Well… All but one.

Frisk, the human of DETERMINATION fell down to the Underground and befriended the whole Monster race and broke the barrier with the help of Flowey who turned out be Asriel, resurrected as a flower.

Peace has reigned once more for the two races…

‘’Whoa…’’ Mugman said, ‘’You have befriended every monster in the underground kingdom? Even after they tried to kill you?’’

Frisk nodded yes as an answer.

Bendy smiled and said ‘’That’s quite a tale, came from the underground.’’

‘’Undertale?’’ Cuphead said as Frisk giggled at the name for the tale. ‘’That sounds very brave of you Frisk!’’ Mugman said.

Boris nodded as he too agreed with Mugman, Bendy smiled a little bit as he looked at Cuphead and said ‘’Do you two have a story of your own?’’

‘’Well, it’s not much like Frisk’s but we do.’’ Cuphead answered as Boris opened the can of soup and pours it into a pot so he can make dinner.

He tells them a story of him and his brother had wandered away under Elder Kettle’s nose while he was asleep and gone to the casino in Inkwell despite their caretaker’s warning to play craps that lead them a winning streak till the Devil himself came and raises the stakes by offering Cuphead a deal if they win the bet but ultimately lose when he rolled snake eyes.

He continues on with their story as they ate their dinner and laughed at their mistakes, Frisk smiled as they were reminded of Papyrus’s cooking with their friends.

*Cuphead and Mugman’s story is fascinating to listen.

*You can tell they like to get into troubles till they got into a big one with the Devil.

*Hearing them triumph against the Devil and saved Inkwell Isles fills you with DETERMINATION.

When they all started yawning as they went somewhere in 12 o’clock at midnight, they all decided to hit the hay as they went for the bunk beds but Boris stayed in the living room with a tommy gun to stand guard while they all get some sleep for tomorrow.

Cuphead and Frisk got top while Bendy and Mugman got the low bunk as they tucked themselves into the blankets, trying to fend off the cold till Cuphead and Bendy fell asleep first as Mugman and Frisk stayed awake.

There was silence for moment until Mugman said ‘’Frisk?’’, Frisk looked looked down at Mugman after they had heard their name been called with a confused look on their face.

‘’C-can the Devil be here in… Where ever we are?’’ Mugman asked at the human child, who just shrugged their shoulders as this add to Mugman’s worry. ‘’F-frisk, we do remember that the whole isles had been taken with us after that attack from the Devilings. I-if they were here, t-they would…’’ he continued with the fear toned his voice.

*Mugman is worried that the Devil may be back for revenge.

*You knew this by the tone in his voice,

*You assured Mugman that him and his brother, Cuphead

*had beaten the Devil and his lackeys before so if he is here,

*they can do it again.

Mugman smiled as Frisk gave him a comforting smile, he known that smile when he was a kid, it’s the same one that Elder Kettle gave him and his brother whenever they’re feel scared. That made feel better thanks to Frisk.

‘’A-alright, you’re right Frisk. We done it before and we can do it again if the Devil really is back, anyway, we better get some sleep or else, we’ll just be tired as sloths!’’ Mugman said as Frisk giggled at his reply.

‘’Anyway, good night Frisk. See you in the morning.’’ Mugman said as he went to sleep.

*Despite being away from your family,

*Mugman reminded you of Asriel Dreemurr before he turned back into Flowey the Flower.

*You still do wished if there’s a way to bring Asriel back.

*You are DETERMINED to figure out what’s happening.

*But you need to get some rest first.

Frisk rolled over as they pulled the blanket over them as they finally fell into a deep slumber…

Then fell into a dream...

#All-Stars Battle Royale #All-Stars -Story Mode- #Undertale #Bendy and The Ink Machine #Cuphead: Don't Deal With The Devil #Cuphead #Mugman #Bendy #Boris #Frisk

[themanylivesofpenny-blog]

Epi 1: Bckgrd on HipsterBoy

It’s been a long week, a week filled with people begging for this so here it is: 

February 2019

She sat there watching the screen as if it were mocking her. Another failed attempt at trying to match with someone, ice breakers sent out and nothing. Grinding her teeth she threw her phone across the space of the couch watching it land with a final thud as her head tilted back with an exasperated sigh. 

“Again... another liar” she closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. It was all the same, another ice breaker on e-harmony, another lie, another man just wanting to get something he did not deserve or lying about things that were serious. 

“Alright,” she told herself, she had to do this she had to do it for her own good it wasn’t healthy. She reached across the couch and grabbed the offending article and finally decided she had had enough and deleted the app 

February 2019 (3 days later) 

The day had been filled with work, staring at all the cute and obnoxiously gross couples.  as she laid down in her bed at the end of the day, she felt the loneliness kick in. It’s so easy for others, to just wake up and breath and exist. She felt the struggle, the way it ate at her. She was ready, but scared. She’d tried before with Eharmony, with Bumble, she was even going to try tinder, but this time she’d taken the advice of a friend Sociallyawkward, he had suggested the site he used. Stated he was happy with some of the results he got on it. 

As she laid there, she decided it was time, again to try, to try to find a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was her that would help her or make her feel slightly more than whole or at least be that better part of her that she’d seen from all her friends. 

She flicked through her phone to the app store, the destination she hated going to because she always ended up with one or two new features on her phone that always seemed to suck up more of her time. As she awaited the downloading app, she thought to herself about a time in her life when she wasn’t dependant on a phone and rolled her eyes it seemed as if it was only yesterday. 

Once it had become complete, she opened it up and of course gave her life to this app via a few bucks a month because who was she kidding she wasn’t going to go for basic on a site that was supposedly going to be the best according to her pod cast that she’d listen to just a few days ago that repped the app profusely. 

She answered all the ridiculous questions and set up pictures that at least made her look someone flattering and made sure that when she posted what she was like that it was honest and open and left nothing to doubt in anyones mind. It only took a few minutes for likes to come flooding in, with comments and starting questions. 

they honestly left her feeling overwhelmed. 

but at the same time amazed at the amount of people responded in a manner of seconds 

and also, she felt disgusted by the level of desperate that they seemed to be at that point of the night. 

As she set her phone down she’d decided she’d wait til the morning to think about this endeavor and try to group herself together. 

February 2019 (the next day) 

Waking up, she did her morning routine of checking emails and social media which had become a bad habit for her. Beyond that, she got up showered, shaved, did her day the best she could before work. 

During that time was when it happened. 

“If you could live in any decade what would it be and why?” 

It was a simple question, one simple question from a decent looking gentleman whose profile she had checked greatly. Hipster Boy had quickly invaded her mind, he’s 27, single, and not native to california something she was not unuse to Chevy boy had been from Illinois and had lived there most of his life til he came here for her. 

She took the leap, 

“1920s, it just is the birth or the culmination of the beginning of liberation for women...” the conversation just seemed to flow right off her finger tips and she was excited! No longer did she see desperation she saw questions an eager answer replies. She saw a man with two jobs, who did things that she didn’t quite do, but was interested in. She saw something she hadn’t seen in a while 

hope.... Penny saw hope. 

Hipster boy messaged her for hours, the conversation about history and things around that never died, it just segwayed one way or another. Talking about people they’d like to have met and experiences. from there the conversation grew. 

Information was exchanged 

and something beautiful formed. She felt alive, it’s the most alive she’d felt in a while and the world seemed right. she hated to believe in love at first message because she didn’t think it was quite love, but it was something she could hold on to for the moment. 

She enjoyed it... taking her time to message every once in a while between moments in her day. 

the day turned into another day, turned into another day and the texting didn’t stop, didn’t fade (well it did slightly between work and school for her and his internship and job things didn’t die down they got informative if anything. 

within the week she’d learned more about him that she’d ever learned about her past adventures. She’d made up her mind she had to meet him. She had to get to know this man, this hipster boy. She made the executive decision to do it 

“Can we meet?” “Abosolutely”

and then it was planned, although there had been talks of dates before this they were seriously thinking about a google doc. Penny had lept, she wanted to meet this man. They had decided, Saturday Night, an all night thing the pair of them into Sunday morning... 

February / March 2019 

Saturday fell through by friday... 

Sunday was a reschedule, then Sunday fell through...

Hipster boys words were sincere... 

“I don’t feel ready for this yet!” 

Penny didn’t mind, she was slightly heart broken she had told her Best V, K, L, and Y. They had all gathered around to lift and support her as all her other friends even socially awkward had given his heart felt or as much as he could give support. 

March 2019 

Hipster boy and Penny continue to text, it’s still seriously non stop texting. But not as much as it use to be, here or there, there are little things that start to happen.

Then it happens the date .... 

March 2019: Date Night 

It was a Friday Night, they were meeting at 6pm at a Sushi Restaurant. At first it was a little Odd to think about because eating Sushi wasn’t particularly a good experience for her the first time. and Well at least that’s what she remembered from the experience, but this time she promised herself it would be different that she would attempt to enjoy the food (plus she had gone ahead and looked at the menu online for safety).

She got there 30 mins early and waited in her car due to traffic, she checked herself over in the mirror and spent time making sure everything was perfect. 

It finally had crept closer to time 

he had arrived she could see his beanie clad self from the front of the restaurant over the crowd of shorter (her sized) people. Her heart lept, it was odd to think about, seeing him for the first time didn’t feel like the first time. It felt like the 3,4, or even 5th date. 

a hug was exchanged and entrance into the sushi restaurant. 

It was perfect. 

the conversation flowed perfectly, dinner (including the sushi had been perfect) there had been no dull moment, drinks were had and it was illuminating to be around someone that was like her that was just as fascinating for the moment she would ride the natural high that was filling her body... 

then after dinner, a walk around the location to walk off dinner brought laughs and short talking. It was nice, it was small talk that was amicably awesome and then from there she let him choose where they headed too next. 

Gunwhale brewery... 

Now she had been intrigued by his decision and let him guide the way as she drove. One thing about hipster boy is he doesn’t drive, and she was okay with that as a woman who loved to drive Penny enjoyed being able to take him there. 

Citrusfarmhouse Ale / and an Ipa later they were outside enjoying the night and the many antedotes that filled the silence and made the night enjoyable. It was at that first brewery that his hand was in hers... 

magic filled her from the joining of there fingers.. 

From Gunwhale to Barley Forge 

and another two beers on his end and a water for her found the night edging closer together. 

soft touches, hands playing with hands, and in such a loud room closer bodies talking to one another in louder voices (hipster boy is slightly deaf)

from there the night progressed til he finally was ready to leave. From there they disappeared into the night. It was quaint drive full of talking and directions until the destination was discovered a local grocery store for more alcohol on there end and water. It was decided that it would be safer for the pair for a night cap, a night cap full of promise. 

Checkout lead to checking in, Penny found his place cute, minimalistic, and very 2019 bachelor pad status. 

It turned out to be a good progression to the night as music played prosecco was poured and they lost themselves in music and talking and alcohol the quiet of each transition of song brought new thoughts to the forefront and it was after the end of a bottle that things turned heated, a kiss here, a touch there and the perfect end of a night happened... 

Next Morning 

after an enjoyable morning, the pair got up for the day, both with there own plans of work later on in the day. 

She to her respective 

and his to his respective

but they did brunch, a brunch at a restaurant that hipster boy had never experienced before. It was mainstream and very un-sushi like which helped her greatly. Penny was a fan of this place and talked it up greatly, once sat and ordered the conversation continued to flow like normal. 

it was after brunch that they headed to the mall, getting lost in the levels of clothes and make up and shoes as they looked for a perfect bag for hipster boy, and even checking out some comfortable shoes and purchasing two pairs for himself as she remarked on a comfortable pair she’d have to keep her eyes on. 

it was at that point that the end had to happen. 

as she dropped him of she said her good byes, experessed her pleasure of the day, and gave him a swift kiss. 

it was the perfect episode to open the next chapter of her life with... 

Stay tuned for Episode 2. 

#episode 1: background on hipster boy #hipster boy #episode 1 #chronicles #writer blog #writer #dates

[nolantalks]

HAS THAT STALKER BLOG FINALLY GOTTEN A LIFE?

Which one dear? I’m assuming the one that doxxed my buddy and claimed it was me? No idea. I occasionally type in their url to their ask page and just type something that they haven’t figured out is me yet and just laugh. Haven’t really looked at them in months and no one has reported their deranged rantings to me in a while. Apparently stalking got old and is no longer cute? I wonder if they have become aware yet that I’ve been controlling the topics they bring up. Or more importantly, I don’t actually care about the things I post here. Like I said I’m giving up the Nolan alias to others and I’m the only one who actually has proof, DMs, and screen shots of things I’ve actually done and don’t care about revealing the truth of things, never did.

WHY ARE THE OBSESSED AND GET BUTT HURT WITH YOU BRINGING THE TRUTH TO LIGHT?

Mainly because it goes against the narrative. The narrative is ever group I join, I make massive drama and traumatize everyone on the group. The truth is I only had drama on two groups ALR other wise known as A Legend Reborn, and WOTNA aka war of the new age. And for both I’ve have long since spoken with staff members and the people I had issues with and all have since apologized, acknowledged they lied and made the drama into ‘serious business’ because of their immaturity at that time in their life. With a notable exception. Will WOTNA’s primary admin and the guy I had the drama with have done all that, ALR’s primary admin hasn’t but her former staff members have.

Now, there are numerous rumors of groups I never heard of that I apparently made drama on so I don’t care to cover those. What I will cover will be the ones I was actually on and again, these are ones I’ve also spoken to some of the staff of later and they’ve apologized.

EMPIRE- I was in this group for like 2 weeks and had plots going with three people. No drama on it at all. Randomly got messaged by staff that while I had been nothing but a great poster and friendly, a couple of members were upset I was even there as they were fans of Raven. And after staff told me I could return just under a different alias if I like I told them I’d do that and in fact did and was on there til it died. I did tell the staff though that I was suing Raven and I’d like to include their words as evidence. Which I guess scared them as I was told they didn’t want to be involved but wished me well on that.

They posted the unfollow and then days later posted the follow for my new character and alias. Apparently they told two people about this and those two twisted it to me saying I was threatening to sue them and now they were traumatized by me for threatening with the law.

HOLLOW GROVE - already posted that Google doc that details everything. Literally was no drama other than staff not knowing their own lore and mad I wouldn’t let them beat up my character. I was kicked out, let it known what happened and the staff there after I was gone made up all kinds of stories including that I was underage which they used on several people they kicked out. They didn’t like I had proof from people that the site was toxic and cliquey which I posted a little of. Later they admit they just didn’t like me and wanted me gone which I respect just admit it instead of making up these Shakespearean dramas.

CORINTH BAY - literally no drama while I was on there. I literally only talked to my one friend there and one other girl who admitted she got bullied out of the group. from what my friend told me, the admins didn’t like he was hanging around and talking to me too much so they wanted me gone. I make my own group, and we play tug of war with my friend they win for a while. I also message people my friend told me to message to see if they were interested in joining which also sets them off. Of course, they all have the same or similar story to this one person which is why they either also joined mine or left corinth to join mine. It comes out their two friends Steph and Jay are psychopaths which my friend admits they were and the friend group blocked and refused to talk to them now. And I got my friend back which they again hated.

I am currently in the new group they have as my friend tried to get me on it but the Corinth staff also staff they didn’t want me there since the optics of bashing me and then inviting me back to the new group looked bad they admitted I never actually did anything to them or the group while there. My friend said to join under a new alias so I did and we have a blast to this day though in half convinced my friend has even forgotten I went by Nolan anymore since my new alias came with a new discord and we never talk about the past. Or maybe he pretends just so he doesn’t feel torn between loyalty to his toxic friends and loyalty to me.

DID YOU POST TO THAT CLOWN BLOG?

Yeah after someone posted about me it came to my attention. I never hid that fact and openly sent them an ask from an actual account off anon after all. So me and my friend went there to clear the record. Apparently our fans spoke to Mr clown which was when he posted that long thing about us. Then he spoke to us which is when he deleted that long post and actually started to defend me in the anons about me. He never spoke of my friend again as he asked the clown not to. And yes I used it as one of the many blogs to bring attention to that race faker. As I stated DAMN NEAR EVERYONE ALREADY HAD THE PROOF but were all scared to release it so I used myself and a hated blog that everyone was watching and submitting things to, to then get the ball rolling knowing full well people assumed anything negative about anyone running a blog was me sending it. And boy did it roll.

DID YOU REALLY POST 500 WORDS EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES?

Yep, still do sometimes. It wasn’t just getting posts out to have a lot either. Literally just post, they posted back on with a couple of minutes so I did the same and we just kept that going for most of my day off. It was just that the muse was powerful, and my partner could do the same back to me, in fact, he was known for doing so, the group even made his alias into a verb for it. My posts were from what everyone told me, 'pretty great and very detailed' similar to my partner who was doing the same. What people don't get is that 1) I don't care about my typing here. It's quick, I don't read over it, I just type what comes to mind, and I'm only posting on my phone with autocorrect and my fingers sliding across the keys making it type random words sometimes and don't care to fix it. But it's really just jealous writers who aren't nearly as skilled or have partners who can and talented enough to post so quickly for long periods and never run out of muse or desire to post with them. I'd be jealous of that to though haha.

[notoriously-blonde]

It’s been a while since I posted about any of my WIP’s, but I’ve had this one in my Google Doc’s for a while and I want to just see what people think. Here’s the sneak peak

The death of Ladybug (Broken Mind, Heart, and Soul)

{Chapter Summary: Adrien walks down an empty street in the middle of nowhere, reflecting on the events of the week. On all the horrible events. Ok the death of his love. The return of the miraculous. His self banishment.

He used to walk with someone with him. Now all that walks beside him is his shadow, The only thing he can hear is his heart; along this Boulevard of Broken Dreams.}

——

Adrien was struggling to keep his mind empty, not wanting to think about the last two weeks. It was too painful. Everything was too painful.

Blinking, he sees the road he’s been walking for the first time. It was a long, desolate, abandoned road, so very far from Paris. From the mansion. From his friends. From the miraculous... from her-

No, he can’t think of that! Shaking his head to rid himself of those thoughts, he realizes that he has done that exact thing five times in half as many minutes. Sighing, he restarts his mindless cycle of removing all thoughts from his head. Accessing that legendary “nothing box” part of his brain that so many people have complained about.

But, his mind has finally been activated and he can no longer stay inside his nothing box. So, wanting to remain as far away from those thoughts, he focuses on the things in front of him.

The lonely road...

Suddenly, the lyrics of a song he heard not too long ago popped into his head.

’I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known’

Seeing the road in front of him, completely desolate, except for him, this couldn’t be more true. Now, he didn’t really know this road, not for certain, but it does seem familiar. Just so similar to the roads he used to walk before-

No! He can’t think of that.

’I don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone’

Seeing that he is no longer home, and is now homeless, this new, yet familiar road is his home.

Walking alone. He’s always done that. All his life. Neglect from his father. Next to no friends. House staff not conversing in anything. Nathalie not really ever caring for him. The only person that has ever walked beside him was constantly was his mother and Plagg...

He stops in his walking, tilting his head slightly. He should be crying, or at least sad about those statements. But he’s not. He doesn’t really feel anything. Nothing, really. Even then, thinking about his mother had come more easily and hurt less than what happened just over two weeks ago.

Just a week ago, his knees would have buckled from just even thinking of the mere thought of it. That’s why he’s avoiding it at all costs. He doesn’t deserve emotions after what happened. He doesn’t deserve the luxury of collapsing. Not after that.

‘I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams, where the city sleeps, and I’m the only one and I walk alone’

Broken dreams. That stuck out. How many times has he dreamt of freedom? Too many to count. How many times had he dreamt of love? Even more so. Having the latter dream ripped so suddenly from him- his knees start to wobble, so he focuses on something else. Something that isn’t that. The miraculous. That gave him freedom. Losing that freedom-

Nope! His knees are wobbling too much!

Something else! Think of something else! Anything else! He silently chides himself. Resisting the urge to collapse through sheer will power, even as his body is pleading for rest. There is no rest for the wicked.

That gave him more stability.

‘Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. ‘Til then I walk alone’ the lyrics came without warning this time. He doesn’t want to listen to them, but it’s within his mind. There is no escape. Not this time.

A foreign feeling starts to push against his eyes. Not knowing how to deal with this, since it’s been so long since he’s felt anything, he looks up to the sky. Hoping that it’ll keep this from coming. He’s scared of whatever this is. He doesn’t want it.

Looking up into the sky, he feels a wetness start to trickle down his face. He wonders why that could happen. It’s not even raining.

Is he crying?! This doesn’t feel like what he thinks he remembers. Is this what crying feels like after such a long time?

As he’s looking up into the sky, his tears falling down his face, any other memories he could’ve retained from that song are lost to the nothing box, to be forgotten for all eternity.

With his mind more active than it had been in days, memories start to break through his fortified will. Completely unwanted.

The fight. The loss. It’s threatening to break through his carefully crafted shields. So, once again, he shifts his focus. This time, to Paris.

Everyone knew about what happened. He really just doesn’t want to think about it.

Right now, in Paris. Nino is most likely worried sick, since he had left his phone at home as well as turned it off. He left anything identifiable. His wallet, stamped with the Gabriel logo. Any clothes stamped with the Gabriel logo. Left his room spotless-his steps faltered at that- clean. Super, super clean.

He had even cut his hair into a messy, uneven, short shell of his normal style. Making him completely unrecognizable to anyone. Nino wouldn’t be able to recognize him, neither would Alya. He even takes pride in the fact that he believes that not even Mari-

He drops to a knee, forcing his mind into the ‘Nothing box’, until he can get a grip on his thoughts.

After what seemed like hours, he ventures back to reality. Somehow, his feet managed to carry his body forward, to make sure he keeps walking. Good. Even his subconscious knows that he doesn’t deserve collapsing.

Just as he starts to relax, since no thoughts have really occurred to him, one phrase bombards his mind. ‘Boulevard of broken dreams’

Other memories smash through his mind, leaving him to drop to the ground. His will transferring from keeping him up straight to keeping memories out of his mind.

A sword, covered and dripping in blood. A blur of red, black, and even darker red. A blob of purple, that seemed to have such a gut twisting smile on its imperceptible face. A familiar destructive power surging through his body, and colliding with this purple blob. The blob melting into a mess of white, red, flesh, muscle and bone.

Paris. The city of love. Guarded by two saviors, one dressed in red, the other in black. Shining beacons of hope. Now abandoned by one savior to mourn the death of the other.

His dreams are now hopelessly lost to the void.

‘My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating.’

He wouldn’t be alone if he hadn’t done what he did. He wouldn’t have to try to keep sane by, yes, talking to his shadow. But he is alone. His shadow is the only one that stays with him. His heart, the only one of two he’s grown accustomed to, is the only other thing beating.

’Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. ‘Til then I walk alone.’

Yeah... sometimes he does wish someone could find him. But he’s made it impossible for anyone to find him. And the only people he wishes could find him, are lost forever. Never to be found again.

He once again forces his mind into the nothing box, trying to rebuild his shields again. He doesn’t want any of that to happen again. Never again.

A little while later, he is jostled into real airy again, by his leg over reaching, causing him to step much further than his body expected.

Regaining his footing, he begins to walk again.

He doesn’t remember getting up from the ground. But he’s glad he did. He needs to keep moving.

After a few minutes, his mind bombards him again. This time, with different lyrics. These ones beat his shields, and will to a pulp, then juice them out into the endless void where energy resides.

All this because his mind decided to scream ’Is it my fault, is it my fault?”

[pisati]

I really need to stop looking at timehop every single day. but at this point it seems like the only way I can remember anything about the last two years. 

I’ll see things come up from a year ago and I don’t even remember posting them. I have vague memories of that time but it feels like I’m being reminded of it; like it didn’t actually happen. almost like I wasn’t mentally present enough to have really cemented the memory.

in 5 more days it’ll have been a year since I lost my dad.

I don’t remember the last time I wrote anything in that google doc I started, where I was trying to recall every memory of my dad that I could. it just hurt too much; I’d remember good times and bad times and everything in between and start crying. 

I’d bought two wooden boxes at the craft store the day I picked up his ashes. the plan was to have a celebration of life for him, and to have friends and family draw on them so I could wood burn the designs in, and then use them as urns. one for me, one for my brother. I know he’d have liked that. but the boxes are still sitting on a shelf upstairs, his ashes are still at the foot of my bed. we wanted to scatter some in iceland too. we haven’t planned a trip. we’ve all been stretched pretty thin and dad’s family and friends are so scattered it’d just be too much to plan one. I feel awful about all of that.

but I know my dad knows I wouldn’t ever forget about him. life happens. if it were up to him I know he wouldn’t have cared either way, if we had a celebration of life for him or not. he got to see his friend Rose before he went, and his brother. 

it wasn’t like I thought it’d be. I thought he’d be in a hospital, and I’d know when it was time, and I could say goodbye. we struggled so hard trying to get him adequate care, and he was close to suffering towards the end. I was supposed to see him that day. I was on my way. I wasn’t far away, but I hadn’t just missed him. rigor starts to set in 1-2 hours after, and reaches peak around 12 hours. a neighbor said that he’d seen him the night before and he was talking and seemed generally in good spirits. I don’t know when he went, but I’ll never forget touching his cold, stiff hand. he did look like he’d been sleeping, at least. 

the last time I saw him, the last time I said anything to him, I was kind of in a rush. I’d just spent all day in maryland, helping my friend move and get settled in at school. it was nearing 10pm, I just wanted to be home. dad called and asked if I could stop by on the way home. asked if I could pick up something on the way, with a lot of flavors. I got a bag of skittles from the vending machine at his building and brought it upstairs with me. I told him about the day, what all we did. he could tell I was ready to go home. shared a few skittles with me. he couldn’t move much from his bed; we’d had a bedpan there and rigged up his phone charger so he wouldn’t have to move much. either that day or another time I’d visited he asked me to shave off his beard and mustache; it was weird to see him bare-faced.  when I left, I shut most of the lights off. I might have put on his favorite classical piano station for him. I heard “goodnight, sweetie, love you”. “goodnight, love you too”. and I paused. I was looking down at the door handle and I paused for one quick second. I don’t know why.

I wish I’d known. 

there’s no point in regretting things. I know dad would forgive me. 

I just wish I hadn’t been such a goddamn chicken. I don’t even know if I told him I loved him enough. he seemed surprised toward the end. told his ex-wife it was the first time I said it (which isn’t true at all, but it might’ve been the first time since I was much younger, and that’s...... awful). why couldn’t I say it? why can’t I say it to my own parents?

I recorded a long video a few weeks before. just asking him questions I’d found online; parent interview-type questions. I wish I could’ve come up with some of my own. I haven’t watched it since I recorded it. even thinking about it makes me want to cry. maybe on the 25th I will.

I was in target a few months ago, waiting in line at the pharmacy. and I saw some sugar-free candies I know he liked. I reached for my phone to text him and ask if he wanted me to get some for him, and then it hit me again. I wanted to cry right there. 

I’ve been having dreams where he’s there. he’s still sick, but I always have this feeling like oh, good, you’re still here; like there’s still just a little more time. I’ve dreamt I hugged him and cried into his shoulder. I dreamt about some faceless couple, with a faceless child running up to them; mommy! daddy! and them both picking them up; started sobbing so hard I woke myself up crying. I’ve woken up crying a number of times.

sometimes it hits me fresh. like I’ve forgotten that this is my reality. that my dad’s gone and I’ll really never talk to him again. never see him again. 

my brother sent me a picture a few weeks ago. it was him and me, elementary-aged (I must have been around 9 years old). we were in the dining room at our old house in maryland, holding up an oil pastel recreation of a matisse (I think?) that dad had done. he asked me where that painting went. I said I had no idea, but where did he get that picture? he said dad had sent it to him; some google drive folders that I hadn’t seen when I’d gone through all his files and such not long after he passed. I looked through the folders he sent me and just sobbed. 

I couldn’t remember any of it. I know those things happened. I know we went to west virginia, and ohio (pennsylvania maybe?), and florida. I think he even took us to the bahamas once. maybe. but I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember being that young, that skinny; wearing those godawful clothes. I don’t remember dad looking like that. I don’t remember any of it. that was all the way up til I was 13; that’s over half my life, and more than half the time I had with my dad, and I can’t fucking remember any of it. I can never get that time back. 

I remember being in high school. visiting dad in that basement he was renting. I would bring my laptop with me on weekend visits; dad would sit on his computer, I’d sit on mine on the couch, and usually my brother would play video games, or dad would put on a movie for all of us to watch. sometimes a few movies. it was nice just doing our own things together. but I was ever the night owl; I’d be up long after they went to bed. just on facebook, scrolling on tumblr probably. I think the first time I ever listened to city & colour was at dad’s, and I discovered them on tumblr. there was one night I remember so clearly; dad had this routine about shutting down his computer at night, and he’d leave it to me if I went to bed after him. he liked leaving on his classical piano radio for me. I may have had it on, still. but the lights were off. I was sitting on either the couch or the ikea chair he had. looking around the room, trying to cement everything in my mind. the blinking lights under the tv. the sound of the music. the wood paneling on the walls, the pattern on the floor tiles I always felt gross about stepping on; I had these emerald green slipper shoes I’d always wear at his house. I wanted to remember everything just as it was. because I knew, one day, I’d never have it again.

I can’t say I think about him every single day, but there’s never been a day in the last year I could have ever said I didn’t miss him. as frustrating as he was towards the end, I miss him so goddamn much. every time I get a fortune at a chinese restaurant, I think about him. I have almost all of the fortunes from our weekly dinners, when I was still in school, saved. I can’t eat tofu without thinking about him. sometimes I wonder if the chinese place next to his building wondered why his orders stopped coming in.  it hurts knowing I’ll never see a call or a text from him again. the group text with me, my mom, and my brother feels like it’s missing someone. he used to send me (and us) bad puns and spoonerisms, random pictures of things, things he was thinking about, stocks and sports scores. I wish I could tell him how incredibly lucky he got with his amazon stocks. I think he knew. but I wish I could thank him. I’m so fucking lucky because of him. I just talked with my financial advisor today; that money’s been much more safely invested in stocks and bonds, and we started a roth account for me; I can contribute a good amount of money per year and then take it out tax-free when I need it. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but my advisor made it sound like I can shave the profits off the stocks every so often and add that to the roth account; my stocks will be right where they started and I’ll be contributing money I didn’t have to do anything to earn into a rainy day account. I wish I could tell him about all of this. I know he’d be really happy to hear I’m being smart about the investment he made for me. 

I just wish I could tell him anything. I wish I could send him pictures of the puppies I see at work. of my rats and the rats I see at the shelter. I wish I could have shown him pictures of scotland; I know he’d have absolutely loved it. I know he would’ve called me while I was there too, and talked my ear off for an hour. I just hope he’d be proud of me. even though I don’t know where I’m going. 

I’m kind of glad the grief counselors stopped reaching out. I was feeling shitty enough about not mourning the way I expected to. so many people feel so much more beat-up over the loss of a parent. and don’t get me wrong, it hurts a whole fucking lot. but I guess you could call these ‘unusual circumstances’. we were close, but not that close. we didn’t live together after I was about 9-10. when I was in school at UMD I’d see him about once a week for dinner. after I moved home I hardly saw him much at all. before college we’d pretty much only have weekend visits. I still felt close to my dad, certainly closer than people whose dads aren’t around, but he wasn’t in my life. and even when he was, he’d act more like a friend and an advice-giver than a parent. I don’t even know if I have a better word than “advice-giver”. I don’t know. I wish I knew what a normal father-daughter relationship was like. but I’m still grateful for what I did have.

---

this is all pretty upsetting to write and think about. I didn’t really want to make myself cry today; I knew it’d happen if I wrote about it. but I felt like I needed to write something. get something out. I haven’t had much of anyone to talk to lately. charlotte’s been busy with the wedding and everything. I haven’t heard from anyone in PA in a while; haven’t heard from A since Gouda died. I can’t say I’d want to brain-dump all these feelings and whatever on anyone else; I guess that’s what this blog is for. but sometimes not having anyone to talk to means that you spend more time in your own head, thinking and thinking. 

I’m scared to see my timehop next week. I remember some of what I posted, but not all of it. I don’t know that I want to go through that again. I don’t know why I’m so scared to forget the last two years. it’s not like they were even all that good. I spent my entire time at my last job in such a miserable fog I feel like I forgot how to be a person. I don’t know how to respond to things normally anymore, feels like. I feel terrible that I’ve been so bad at expressing my feelings. showing people I care. I’ve mostly been keeping to myself. haven’t been able to feel much of anything. it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I just don’t have the energy to keep up with other people when I barely have the energy to keep up with myself. I feel like I’m silently wishing people well from behind the glass. 

---

I’m sorry if I’m too much. or not enough. or who even knows what. I wish feeling set aside didn’t burn so much. like there’s time for everyone else. it’s hard feeling like even if you scream nobody will hear you. I don’t want to make any calls for attention but at the same time it’s infuriating being constantly left on read, in every sense. either nobody sees me or they do and they choose to say nothing in return. either way it’s quiet and it makes me wonder what on earth I’m doing. or not doing. 

I need to stop thinking so hard. is that why people drink? sure as hell makes me want to. 

I think in the few months I’ve had to sit on it, I’m slowly becoming less afraid of the idea of affection. slowly. I couldn’t tell you why the thought of being touched made me want to scream for years; why it didn’t before, why it doesn’t really now. very old blog posts I’d written about how I felt, when I could still feel things... it reads like someone else’s life in my voice. the times when I felt sick over it read like the depression monster in my voice. but now I just.. I don’t know. here I am having dreams about nestling into someone’s side, and having that not be absolutely terrifying. I was dozing off in my dream; it was just nice. the thought of a kiss doesn’t send needles shooting up and down my spine anymore. I’m feeling very cautious about it-- about not feeling so afraid anymore. I’ve been so afraid to let my guard down. so afraid I’m just going to be cast aside again, the minute I let anyone close enough to touch me. always someone better. but now that it’s been literally years... maybe I’m just forgetting how much pain I was in. maybe I just don’t feel the bite anymore. maybe I could be slowly letting myself feel things again, but I know it’ll take a while to not be so afraid to show affection myself. I’ve been taught through negative reinforcement that it’s a bad, embarrassing thing when I show interest in someone. I’ve learned to pretend, to look and act like I'm not interested. to be blank, unassuming. I don’t think I even know how to show it right. mostly scared of getting burned again. of feeling like an idiot for misdirecting it. 

I don’t know. I should probably go to bed soon. 6am alarm for work. 

#been a while since my last word vomit hasn't it #wasn't supposed to be multi-topic but here we are #when the writing bug strikes #blah blah