#had a whole mini rant that i wrote and then deleted lol..........

[ikyw-t]

y'know I think about this tweet often. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken....

#had a whole mini rant that i wrote and then deleted lol.......... #no one else may know his shitty he was but i will always know and i shall absolutely not forgive or forget #however i do still start seething on occasion when i remember that after we broke up for years i never thought of him at all #except when i pass his street on occasion bc he happens to live nearby which is very ughhh but it's mostly whatever #and then out of the blue in early 2021 he texted and CALLED me (i did not answer. what a fucking jumpscare jfc) #to tell me he had been stalking my spotify playlists and saving them and #even had the fuuuuucking audacity. to think they were a personal message in a bottle just for him. #we had not spoken in 3 years. can u imagine the absolute lack of fucking common sense or logic. the fucking audacity of men is unparalleled #and then i had nightmares and paranoia about him for the next like full year. like wtf. #also i think i said 2021 but actually that happened in 2022 so we actually hadn't spoken in four full years. #where on gods green earth woild he get the idea. that my public spotify playlist. #was dedicated to my terrible obsessive bully of a boyfriend from fucking high school. #i just can't even fucking fathom the mental gymnastics necessary. #anyway. i ended up ranting anyway #it just makes me so angry that i didnt think about him for years and then he so efficiently once again ruined my life #bc he had been incredibly obsessive and so I had reason to worry he might just show up at my house at some point. #i ended up ranting anyway. what can u do. #anyway. I hope he's having a terrible time. he deserves it.

[romaxnogersav]

A piece of my mind

Hi angels! I hope you are doing okay!💫

I know I’ve made quite a few update posts, mentioning how hard writing has been, and promising to do better in the future. Seeing as that has not been the case, I’ve decided that maybe the best way around this, is to say my peace and get everything off. Maybe then, when every little thingy or whatever is out of the way, I’d be able to go on.

You obviously don’t have to read this, but if you do, thank you, because recently and most importantly right now, I’m not really good. And I need to get this shit out of my system.

So, hellooo!

I am exhausted, and frustrated. I don’t want to say this, or at least start with it, but you all have no idea how many times my damn head has told me I should stop writing all along. Just delete this blog, and pretend like I haven’t erased something I love out of my life.

Every other morning, I wake up, and I go to Tumblr to see if someone hasn’t posted something I might enjoy. The first thing that pops into my head when I see how inspired others are to write, is, “You should stop. It’s evident this isn’t for you. I can see you aren’t doing anything.”

Quite honestly? It’s exhausting. I’ve lost count of the number of times this exact thought has popped into my mind, or how many tears I’ve shed over it.

I love writing, I love creating a word, not only I as the writer, can escape to when real life gets a little too complicated, but others, you all, as readers, can escape to as well. Get lost into the words, plot, and emotion (if my works even have any). The way your little heart beats at a happy, soft ending, or the frustration you get when the angst is too much. That little flip your stomach does when the smut gets a little too intense (again, not that mine is, lol. Flat as a bathroom tile), or the heartwarming feeling when you see something you love into a piece of work.

Recently, writing has been a battle. One I don’t know how to win.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been stuck on one story. I’ve got the idea outlined, I started it, and for a few weeks, the most I’ve written is 5 different drafts, with a total of maybe 3000 words in them.

3000 words that in all honesty, I hate with every fiber of my being.

I changed the idea, and I changed it, and I brainstormed it with a few friends, that by all Steve Rogers holy I love for being so sweet about it, but it was never enough. It’s not enough, because I don’t know what to do with it.

And that one idea aside, I haven’t been able to write the way that I want to, for a long time now. And it’s crushing me. It’s feeding that doubting monster that keeps telling me to just give up, with my insecurities and anxieties, and it’s a whole miracle I’m still here.

I’m afraid because I feel like it’s a matter of time before I really give up for good. Because, sadly, it’s been proved I’m a quitter.

I quitted volleyball, twice. I quitted the editing community, both photo, and video editing. I quitted writing once, back in 2017. After what, 9 months of writing?

I’m afraid history is going to repeat itself once again, and I don’t want that to happen. Because this time around, I’m enjoying what I do far more, and I don’t want to just give it up. I want to continue on because there are so many ideas swirling in my head.

I’ve said it once or twice before, that I have over 30 ideas sitting in my notes, waiting for me to browse through and work on them. I’m pretty sure a good 40% of those are either a mini-series or a series idea.

I have a few beautiful, sweet requests, waiting in my inbox. A few anons, waiting to see their requests come to life. And I feel like I’m failing them, too.

Because it seems I’ve been failing myself.

It crushes me because I want to write. I want to create, and I want to share my writing with you all. Maybe put a smile or two on someone’s face in the process.

I want to write that CEO story, the idea of which I’ve had since February.

I want to write that post Endgame canon-ish x Agent Carter fic because my heart beats for the beauty of the whole idea.

I want to write that Red Room program fic, with a pinch of the Winter Soldier in it.

I want, so, so much.

But I haven’t been able to, and I have no idea why,

I’d get a sliver of motivation and inspiration. They’d come to say hi, and a few minutes later, they are just gone again.

Or worse, they’d drop by when I know I can’t give them my attention, when I know I have other things to do.

And it’s not like I have much to do, to begin with. I’m home most of the time. 80% of my week I spend at home, doing nothing. It feels like having no routine, constantly being in one place, is the reason behind this all, but I just don’t know.

It could be a number of other things. My mom’s surgery last month, or the fact that she lost her job due to Covid way back in April. Or other things I just don’t have the power to get into.

School starts in 15 days, and it seems that we’ll be actually attending it, and not having our classes online like I would have liked. My anxiety will spark up, knowing I’m in a big environment, where the possibility of things taking a turn is as big as it gets.

I also really hoped that this summer would give me the opportunity to write as much as I can. Get lost in creating, but the universe had other plans for me as it seems. I’ve barely written, what? Maybe 20K words at best, from June, till today.

Even at this moment, as I’m writing this, getting things out of my chest, I feel a surge of inspiration. But I know that once I sit down to write, I won’t be able to write what I want, because I don’t know what that is. At least with this particular idea. Damn you, Bodyguard Steve.

Do I feel better? A little, I suppose.

Do I still feel as hopeless as I did before I wrote this? I do!

Do I want to do better, and work around my unableness (that’s not a word, I know) to write? Yes, yes I totally do!

Finally, I want to say thank you! For putting up with me, and all my update-slash-complain posts. For not being mad I don’t post, and being absolutely the sweetest.

I’m not going to promise anything other than, I’m slowly going to work into getting things to work out.

But to end this all, thank you, if you read this little, out of the blue rant!💕

#tina talks #i just wanted to be bluntly honest #and i hope i'm not too much #because i tend to turn into a whiny bitch #i just wanted to get this off my chest #because i've bottled this for a little while #and it's exhausting #i hope to get things to work out in the weeks to come #but once again #thank you for always being the sweetest

[kinetic-elaboration]

author tags

I was tagged by @thelittlefanpire and @easilydistractedbyfanfic - Thank you!

Fandoms you write for: Currently just The 100. I’ve been in a variety of fandoms over the years but I don’t see myself going back to any of them except possibly, at some point, Star Trek (TOS/AOS) and Harry Potter. I’m basically a one-fandom-at-a-time kind of person.

Where you post: Primarily on AO3, though I also post short fics and excerpts to tumblr. I also have accounts on ff.net and lj but I don’t update them anymore.

Most popular one shot: Within The 100 fandom, What We Built (a Bellarke post S2 AU) by kudos and by comments. This fic is actually also my most popular one-shot among all fandoms. Which is somewhat weird to me, because it’s fine, but tbqh it’s not among my favorites of my own work.

Most popular multi-chapter: So I don’t write that many multi-chapter fics, and most of my older ‘multi-chapter’ fics would have been posted as one-shots. My most popular multi-chapter by far in any fandom is a Star Trek fic that is also a complete outlier among my work in every respect so I almost don’t feel like it counts. My most popular multi-chapter within The 100 fandom by both kudos as comments is oh well, you’ve got me under your spell (a Bellarke HS AU) which I’m counting as multi-chapter even though I’ve only written 1 chapter of it and it sure does look abandoned! But it’s not.

Favorite story you wrote: Among all my work ever, I’d have to say something from my HP era, perhaps Words Like Smoke (an MWPP 1920s AU) or Elegy (an R/S OotP era fic). I just have a real fondness for that time, I suppose. Among my T100 fics… that’s harder because not enough time has passed for me to really know which ones will stand out in my mind in the long term. I guess I would say Bring It On Home (Summer Bellarke with a side of Millarke BroTP) and Iridescent (a Jonty AU).

Story you were nervous to post: Tbh I don’t really get nervous to publish fics often anymore. That probably says something about how hard I’ve been pushing myself/experimenting in the last few years lol--which is to say, not very much. I guess I get a little nervous about stories with explicit sex scenes. And I’m nervous even to write, let alone post, the next chapter of some of my WIPs just because of how long has passed since the last chapter went up. I’m embarrassed by the delay and also worried the new parts won’t hold up.

How do you choose your titles: Almost always, I use either a song lyrics or a quote from a book, or an important word or phrase from the fic. On rare occasions, I get more creative.

Do you outline: Roughly, short answer, yes. Every now and then I will have a general idea for a story and I’ll just start writing. This is especially likely to happen if the story is a fluff fic (not much to plot), if I have a really good start that I just need to get down, or if the plot is pretty obvious from the idea. But even then, I’m likely to jot down scene ideas later as they come to me so I don’t forget. 

Most of the time, though, I plan before I write. I get my ideas together by writing out some paragraphs on my thoughts for the fic, and then I distill that to the core of the idea/a broad sense of the plot, and then into a specific list of scenes. Then I write off the list. Sometimes, for more complicated projects, I’ll have a main outline for the whole fic, and then mini-outlines for each scene, which I do as I go along, so I know I’m hitting all of the plot points.

Complete number of stories: I have 173 fics on AO3 currently. Three of those are actually ficlet collections, and four are WIPs. However, it’s completely possible that I have some old fic on LJ that I never got around to crossposting to AO3. So on average I’d say about 170.

In progress: I have 4 WIPs on AO3 atm. (I’m including A Watch With No Hands in this count even though it says it’s complete. It is not complete in any really meaningful sense.) I also have 3 more informal WIPs on tumblr. If this question is about works in progress in general, including unpublished stuff on my computer ...oh boy I don’t even know how to begin to answer that lol. I’d say 20-30 depending on how you count: more if you include stories that are on my mind and/or outlined, fewer if you limit the count to stories that I’ve actually started writing.

Do you accept prompts: Usually, I would say yes. I don’t get prompts very often (outside of specifically solicited prompts for a particular purpose) and I find it very flattering. But right now… I’m struggling a bit with writing in general and I feel like I have too many ideas already and I think getting a prompt would probably overwhelm me, especially since I would feel obligated to write it. So. I don’t know. I would say no, I’m not accepting prompts right now, but maybe I will in the future again. Maybe for the holidays or as part of a follower celebration, or maybe randomly. I don’t know.

Upcoming story you are most excited about: Hmm. Well, like I said, I’ve been going through some hard times as far as writing goes, recently. I had this whole rant about it but I’ve deleted it because it’s quite OT to this question. Basically, it’s hard for me to get up much excitement at the moment for almost anything. I guess the project I’m most excited about, despite or perhaps because I doubt I’ll ever actually write it, is the massive Ark AU I’ve been planning off and on for almost the entire time I’ve been in this fandom. I’ve written a little bit on it but mostly I’ve just been trying to balance all of the characters, relationships, and story lines and form them into some sort of coherent whole. I love this universe immensely, even if I doubt it will ever become a complete story.

#about me #tag games