#gratuitous amounts of folly here (me rambling about it)

[you-are-my-neverland]

[id: a graphic with a series of three images: a girl with her eyes cast in shadow, a statue of a saint dripping gold, and two hands with light between them. the text overlaid reads ‘the metamorphosis of the lost’ / end id]

THE METAMORPHOSIS OF THE LOST → A ROUND UP

“Kevla is rotten to the core,” June continued. She was as close to impassioned as India thought she would ever visibly be, reminding India of the times June had opened up before, the anger burning like a bright, cold, distant star in her eyes. “You can’t fix Kevla. All you can do is remove some of the damage.”

after roughly fourteen months of writing, i am proud to announce that the first draft of the metamorphosis of the lost is officially done. at the start of the summer last year (2022), i had only 120k words, and the end seemed unreachable. now, i’ve wrapped up the first draft at a rounded up value of 310k. it’s crazy to think that i’ve actually reached this point. i started tracking my writing progress during my summer goal of 200k, and continued to do so during the fall semester, of which i only failed to write one day. in retrospect, all those days where i was too tired to write more than a few sentences, with word counts under 100, and the months where i struggled to hit my goal of 500 a day - all those days piled up to the completion i achieved right on time for 2023 to hit. 

will i definitely do more work on this novel? who knows. i can’t say for certain that i’ll ever go back to it, or that a second draft will occur. but i hope i will. i always planned for tmotl to have a companion piece, for this to be the first part of a duology. do i have nothing but a few scattered ideas tying the two together? yes. i do need to actually tackle the plot of that rumored companion novel soon.

“What did you ever do for me?” she asked bleakly. “I’m dead because of you. If you had cared at all, the Black Saint would have died long before I came back to find him still alive.” If he had been dead then, I might have come back to you, she didn’t say, because it was something that she would never be able to take back if she did.

i’ve posted a lot of (unpolished) excerpts on here before, so in honor of finishing the first draft, i figured i would let myself talk about the writing process and all the little things i haven’t shared yet! if you were ever interested in finding out more about this wip, or read the posts i’ve made and thought ‘idk what this is about but this is cool’ (as i never did post those character profiles or setting notes or anything informative beyond the wip intro...), read on.

(fair warning: it’s long.)

Kevla itself might be larger than life, but India didn’t believe in the city either. She just knew it existed, because she couldn’t ignore its presence in her life. 

Maybe Kevla was God.

we’ll start with the city itself. kevla, a city set somewhere on the coast, estranged from the rest of the world that it can’t really be imagined somewhere on a map. kevla is, at it’s heart, a gritty thing to behold: it is a city that is trying to kill you, and the only thing that will save you. 

there have been many times when i’ve looked at a wip and said, this wip is just going to be normal. there will be no magical realism in this wip.’ this was not the case for tmotl - when i was first visualizing the story, i knew that i wanted the city the vigilantes occupy to be alive in a very magical realism way. therefore, kevla is a sentient being, though it is never explicitly called that. it is only understood by the characters throughout the story, by anele and india and vin and june. it is talked about as something that acts on its own. in this, kevla becomes both the setting and a character. 

kevla itself is neatly divided into districts. i live in the suburbs, and have not lived in any big metropolises, but i have visited nyc, and d.c.  is kevla not exactly designed as a realistic city would be? yes. but i think it fits into the rest of the novel - kevla has to be small for logistical reasons, but it also has to be larger than life. it has to be a peninsula, with a raging coastline, and it has to have a living forest cutting it off from everything else. the people who live in kevla understand the uncanny nature of their city, but it is not unusual to them - it’s just the place they live.

He didn’t say anything. India drew in a shuddering breath and felt his chest expand slightly, in the barest way, ribs rigid through his costume. She could draw a knife right now, stab him fatally, slide it into the spot between the ribs, drive it in through his skin and break through his back. If not that, then a bullet at close range. The possibilities were endless. At this point, she could see the seams in his body armor. Everything and anything could be destroyed at this close.

india, india, india. tmotl definitely doesn’t have a single main character - june and india both share that title, and many other characters have a substantial amount of povs - but tmotl is also very much india’s story, because she’s the girl i wanted to write about first. an angry girl. an outcast. someone who is overflowing with all the wrong emotions. someone who bares her rage on her teeth.

india as indigo is directionless. she’s stuck in place, and she doesn’t know where she’s going. it’s only after she’s killed by the black saint and returns as the red saint that she finally has a purpose - to kill the black saint, and to prove the world (the vigilantes) wrong. to show them. where she had just been following other people’s paths, and rules, now she forges her own. still, even, she’s torn in her heart - does she really want burned bridges? does she want death? apologies? for all that india claims, she doesn’t really know, herself, but it takes her a long time before she can admit that to herself.

india is, at her core, unpredictable. she’s a series of contradictions, which is intended. no matter how much drive you have, it doesn’t amount to anything if you don’t know where you’re going, or why you’re going at all. she’s a treasure trove of trust issues, impulses, and sharp edged defenses. she doesn’t trust anyone, because she was abandoned from birth - there was never anyone in her corner until she met anele and vin. even then, even with a found family, she put up the walls; she wants to be understand, while believing so strongly in the fundamental divide between them all - that they will never understand what it’s like to be her.

india is a mouthpiece for something that often echoed throughout my thoughts, especially when first brainstorming for tmotl. who gets to decide who the good guys are in vigilantism? are you the good guys, india asks, because you didn’t let your trauma affect you? because you dealt with it ‘neatly?’ am i the bad guy for not being able to?

“I didn’t die easily,” June said ferociously. “None of us died easily. People like you didn’t let us die easily. Our death, to you, was nothing but a chance, but for us it was hell, over and over again. Why do you expect compassion from me when you never had any for any of us? You didn’t change anything. You didn’t save anyone. You took a legacy and let it live on.”

She swallowed back her anger and lividity, fingers curling around the knife handle.

“Complacency is a crime.”

june, our other leading lady. summer 2021, when i was first having the beginnings of an idea of what this story would become, june’s description was ‘a revenge driven victim of nonconsensual body modification/experimentation.’ she was always designed to be the perfect experiment, in a way. she’s the timepiece, not a cog, of the weaponization of children.

june’s story is one of agency. of irony. she’s dissociated from her body - it is just a thing she lives in. it was something that was made by other people. she uses that body to kill the people that made her, as if saying, ‘look what the body you made can you do. look what the thing you made is capable of.’ she is the sword that turns on its owner, the weapon that fights back instead of fleeing. where does the weapon end and the girl begin? she doesn’t even know herself.

june is the ice to india’s fire. they complement each other like that. she’s the level headed one, the executioner. india’s all impulsivity and anger, emotions spilling out over the edges as june keeps everything she feels close. she doesn’t even know how much she’s feeling at any time; june keeps everything muted, a further dissociation from the self.

her revenge is not really revenge so much as it is vengeance. it’s the only way she can even begin to reclaim her agency, and while she acknowledges that at some level, outwardly the reason for what she does is simple: so that it never happens to anyone else. not for herself, but for everyone else. or so she tells herself.

“We’re here,” Vail said. “If you ever want to talk more about any of it, we’re here.”

“But you’re not,” Emrys said, hating the way her voice cracked on the last word. “All of you are here, but you’re not there.”

They were alone. She felt terrible and peculiar, as if they were pins on a map, standing in the same city but far away from each other. As if walking in parallel lines, but heading in different directions. When India had been there, things had been different. When Aerin had been there, Emrys had thought she would at least have the comfort of knowing she wasn’t alone, but she was alone. They all were.

emrys wasn’t supposed to be that main of a character, but she ended up badgering her way into the story anyways, snatching up a large percentage of povs. she became very close to my heart, maybe because, out of all of the characters, she was the most like me in her mind (and i spent a lot of time in her mind). kind of like my embodiment of girlhood - she’s in her nebulous coming of age, in the background: confronting hard truths and hard feelings alongside grief, as she steps into new shoes all on her own. she didn’t quite end up following the ideas i had in mind for her, but i’m pretty satisfied with the emrys i have left.

emrys was supposed to be the hope of the group. in every story (at least for me), there must be someone who represents the new when it comes to the old (pain, trauma, tradition, etc). in a twist of irony, emrys herself became aware of this - she herself thinks that she doesn’t want to be hope, or in pandora’s box at all.

for a character that was supposed to be the happy, bright one, the emrys we meet in tmotl is living out an aftermath. that happy, bright girl is who she used to be. the girl she is now is one transforming, becoming a darker shadow to her brighter body. many of the things she does throughout the story would be considered uncharacteristic from those who know her, and even though the readers are not aware of who this girl used to be (and only catch glimpses of her), the reactions of other characters tell us this.

“You know why I saved you,” Catrin said. 

“I do,” Vin agreed. He could never forget the life debt he carried so heavily on his heart, which had stayed his hand a hundred times over. It was the reason he was loyal to her after all; their relationship was built on mutual debt, with which came a degree of shared trust. Vin had always known that one day she might aim him at someone with intent to kill, and he would do it. If only to keep the balance.

onto vin, one of the older members of this vigilante group at 25, but no less important. he is supposed to come off as almost inhuman - flexible beyond measure, moving like a shadow, so quiet that he makes no noise at all, as if he was a ghost. vin is a mystery, and a private person, who is frustratingly hard to understand to his younger counterparts, such as india and emrys, and still an enigma to his older partners, such as anele. he has one of the most thought out characterizations (because i had so much to work out when it came to his character), but you probably learn the least about him throughout the story.

vin bears the brunt of india’s anger and emrys’ frustration in the story, partially because he’s so hard to communicate with (in a way), and partially because he’s the one they want to prove themselves to. he’s aloof and talented; he never messes up, or calls the wrong shot. he was built for the job, it seems. of course, this is what it looks like on the surface - underneath tells a story, the dark side of june’s moon. human experimentation to the point of dehumanization. on the surface, he looks ordinary. inside, who knows what he has become.

vin operates by a strict moral code. he’s brutal, and capable of extreme cruelty, but he never kills. in a fight, he says, the only thing that matters is the people you want to protect. one rule, but it’s the only thing that matters. this is where he and india clash - she wants the black saint dead, but vin will never kill (for reasons relating to backstory info that can’t be shared at this moment lol).

a fun fact, though, which i don’t think i actually mentioned in the first draft even though it’s so clever, is that vin is short for corvin. corvin derives from corvinus, which derives from the latin word corvus in turn. corvus literally means raven, but it also refers to the genus of birds including crows, ravens, etc. his vigilante name is crow btw.

Angry was too close to being a bomb herself, and for all her sermons on understanding bombs, Anele had already died in the face of one. She did not want to become one herself.

When bombs exploded, they left no survivors. Even the ones who lived were not untouched. 

The ones who died, too, even.

anele!! the wisest of the bunch, maybe, if wisdom equals years. she’s not the mother figure, but more like an older sister to many of the vigilantes. someone you would go to for advice. where everyone else came from empty and hard childhoods, anele grew up loved with a single father, in a suburban neighborhood. she has memories she can look back on with fondness, instead of ones tainted by death or grief.

although anele is always moving forwards, she, too, is mired in the past. she grieves for herself. she visits her father as a ghost, leaving him things without ever knocking on the door, because she is afraid she wouldn’t be welcomed back as one of the living. so much of her current life is trapped in the half second before she died the first time. she might not have believed in the system, but she participated in it, until dying. then, she realized it was always going to fail her. despite being straight laced, she believes in the gray line between black and white, the area outside of laws and all that.

anele steps into the role of x-le with ease, but at the heart of the matter, she doesn’t trust catrin, especially since she never asked to be saved, or to be brought back to life with metal in her veins. she doesn’t allow this to color her professional relationships, but on a personal level, she doesn’t hide her scrutiny.

anele and vin have by far one of my most favorite relationships in the novel, mostly because she is, at least, deeply in love with him in a way that can’t even be described as love. it’s subtle, but interwoven in all their interactions. feelings where there shouldn’t be. emotion where it can’t exist. makes me go insane, honestly.

You didn’t have to answer, Diem thought, but couldn’t make herself say it, because a part of her had always been waiting. Ever since her childhood, when she had first heard the whispered rumors about her father, when she had realized that there would always be questions about her birthright and place following her, she had been waiting for a father to claim. For a father to destroy.

Her mother’s hand on her own, helping her slide the knife into skin, wiping the blood spray for her face gently, showing her how to clean the blade. 

diem is, out of all the vigilantes (our heroes and heroines), the most antagonistic one by design. she is one of the characters that was meant to stay the truest to their original designs (of an old wip also called tmotl i half planned back in 2019-2020, of which several characters were taken off the shelf and dusted off for this story). the diem i created then was cutthroat and hard to the bone, the kind of person who used people and threw them away when she was done. here, her personality is a bit toned down, if only because she has to take the back burner - she’s not the leader, but now a ‘lackey.’ a team member. however, although diem might be one with the team, she very much chafes against the idea, an independent contractor.

daughter of the infamous bowman, a criminal overlord, and an unnamed man, diem grew up in a life of elite crime. she might have died since then, but it only made her harder. out of all of them, diem is the one who focuses the most on impartiality, of cutting things off before they drag her down. she cuts her losses before they can cut her. sentimentality has no place in her - she is a brutal machine, always pushing herself forward. the only soft spot she has is for vail, and even then, she’s hard pressed to show it. to diem, all her weaknesses became her strengths, including her death.

to india, diem is someone she wants to destroy. prior to death, they were always at each other’s throats, and after it, it’s no surprise that diem is the main voice preaching that india can’t be saved. their similarities only cause their differences to be more abrasive.

Kevla already had one saint. It didn’t need another. The audacity they had to call themselves Saints when all they did was contribute to the hell so many people were trapped in made Vail vengeful—he didn’t believe in Saints, and even if he did, they wouldn’t be the ones who walked the streets. Saint wasn’t a title one gave themselves; it had to be earned.

vail is the quiet one. where everyone else is brimming with opinion and emotion, vail is in the backdrop, a muted color against all the vivid, dark ones competing for space. he is kind and compassionate in comparison to diem’s hard headed ruthlessness, but he’s also the only one who can meet her head on without getting emotionally involved - maybe that is why he is the only one who can temper her.

vail is a man of family and faith, but he keeps both those things close to his heart. although he is a sentimental person, he is always hiding that part of himself, because it got him hurt, over and over again. family and faith hurt him, killed him, but he doesn’t know how to let it go. can’t. 

all the characters pay homage to some sort of divine presence at least once or twice throughout tmotl, but vail is the only one who believes in a specific god, instead of an entity-that-might-be-a-god, or kevla-as-a-god-or-divine-being. kevla is a city that kills organized religion, but vail’s faith is too great to be killed.

He’d thought that he had gotten over it. That the past had stopped chasing him. That, when the past finally found him, Mika would be ready for it. That he would fight it. That he would kill it. 

How many times had he dreamed of that night? How many times had he dreamed of another dreary Kevlan landscape, where this time he was the victor?

mika, son of the mockingbird. like diem, he believes in absolute strength, not allowing himself any sign of weakness. he’s very independent, and though he seems unwavering, he’s actually insecure in his identity, if only because of the immeasurable shadow his parents - a chemist and famous vigilante, respectively - left behind.

mika’s story is one of legacy. like his mother before him, he traverses the city in the guise of night, as phantom. he’s cynical, the pessimistic voice among those who believe in the best, and deals with everything that bothers him with coldness, putting up high walls. although he seems closed off, inside he carries a bone deep determination to survive, to defeat ‘evil’ and triumph. his thoughts on justice are often unclear, as is his morality, but he approaches the title of vigilante with a ruthless efficiency.

catrin flint, emrys’ aunt, is mika’s guardian, through a series of loosely explained events - often because it is not clear to mika or emrys themselves how catrin knew his mother, and what led her to take him in. mika never wanted another family, and that much is clear to both flints, but he is also the one who ends up being the most in emrys’ corner as she goes through grief and changes. he doesn’t agree with her on most things, but he stays by her side all the same.

mika was originally supposed to have a touch of magical realism to him as well - and he should still, if the necessary revisions are done and hints portrayed. mika was supposed to be someone who walked the shadowy line of the veil, seeing/communicating with the dead, or hand in hand with death (with nebulous connections to his own death or near-death experience). 

Suicidal, Drakov had called him back then, when he had spared him and Jericho had thrown it away in favor of not taking the hint, trailing him because he had seen a lifeline in the other man, one he wanted to grasp, like flailing in the ocean and chancing upon a buoyancy device. It was coming out of a haze, like a dying man who had been living life with the expectation of it ending only to realize that he wanted to live. 

But Jericho wasn’t fifteen. He was Jailbird, had been for years. He’d trained under Drakov, the only person he knew who had had the honor. He’d managed to survive in this shitty city, had gotten out of the trap where thousands of others had died, and had carved out a living without paying penance to anyone but himself.

jericho’s the only vigilante without a team, but he makes up for it by having plenty of connections. he’s india’s friend, before and after. he becomes mika’s and emrys’ connection in the grimy city, and potential ally. he communicates with the dragon, the only person who can reveal information on the assassin on a personal, instead of professional, level (with the exception of a few). 

a vigilante who is more like a mercenary, jericho goes by the pseudonym jailbird, and mostly keeps to himself. he’s shrewd, witty, and plays the game as smart as he can as a kid on his own - and it’s worked; he’s managed to avoid any major trouble. out of all the cast, jericho is one of the few who avoids a near death experience. 

still, he deals with a fair amount of imposter syndrome and guilt, most of which is only alluded to, as he only gets the rare pov. i can’t speak much on him because several big facts about him are technically plot relevant info that gets revealed in the novel itself.

June wondered if that was before or after he had died for the first time, before or after the first time he had tried to kill himself. With Rhys, the first time had never been the last. She thought of what he had said the last time they had talked so closely. I don’t care about life or death, June. I don’t care about the people I kill. I don’t care if it gets me killed. 

She held the blade up to him. The pale light glinted on the edges, showing the smooth, glossy sheen of it all. 

if winter were a person, it would be personified through rhys. aptly enough, his last name is winters, although this never gets mentioned in-text (i don’t believe). surprisingly, rhys doesn’t get a single pov throughout tmotl, even when most of the characters mentioned here get at least one (like mika). still, he has a presence, if only because he is june’s partner in crime. they come from the same history, cut from the same cloth. 

rhys is the apathetic type of person who doesn’t believe in anything. he’s suicidal (to a lesser degree in the present, but this is still an explicit textual fact). he likes to weaponize his discomfort and acidic personality to make other people (namely kit) uncomfortable. human misery on the downlow, though this could also be attributed to the fact that he lives a miserable existence - as if his history wasn’t bad enough, in death he was saved and made alive only through the fact that he is literally toxic, consigning him to a life wearing a gas mask, as his breathe could kill people if it is not filtered.

in tmotl, rhys is in many ways an abettor. does he care for june’s revenge? not really, but he helps her with it anyways, because what he feels for june is complicated, but he would follow her anywhere, if only because she gives him something to do. does he care about kit? does he care about human life? who knows. sometimes he says things just to be contradictory. 

rhys was also from the original wip, and he stays much the same, if a little more fleshed out. so does his and kit’s antagonistic relationship.

Flames were dancing in the fever bright blue of Kit’s eyes, his arm running red as he carelessly studied the tracker, letting it catch the light. She could see the thin displeasure set in Rhys’ mouth, even behind the gas mask, which snaked around his ears, the rebreathers fitted like a glove to the lower half of his face. He passed her a strip of cloth wordlessly, his own arm bound. She in turn took Kit’s hand, nodding at the tracker as she cinched a quick tourniquet. 

“I know,” Kit murmured, and then threw the tracker back towards the warehouse. His skin beneath June’s cool, blood stained fingers was burning. She could feel the thud of his heartbeat beneath the thin skin of his wrist, beating a wild rhythm, but when she looked at him more carefully, he still stood unwavering, which was good enough.

this excerpt is actually from page number one. kit, our final ‘main’ character (besides the villains and adults of the story, which are not quite as interesting, and also don’t have much i can reveal about them without spoiling things), is part of june’s team of three. he doesn’t go out in costume like basically every single other character; he doesn’t even have a code name. he’s the technology behind june’s operation, the one who runs things behind the scenes for her and rhys.

kit is important because he’s who june wants to protect. he’s one of the reasons she keeps moving forward at all. he’s a failure, at least to the organization - they saved him, but they couldn’t make him something better. sometimes, when you fix something broken, it doesn’t turn out as it was. for kit, this means a slow, aching death sentence, fighting the deterioration of his own body.

still, kit tries to stay brave in the face of it all. he’s light hearted, especially in comparison to rhys and june’s dark moods. he’s a light - something june follows, and rhys abhors. much of kit is a mix of appearance and projection; it is as it looks, but it also isn’t. sometimes, you’ve barely scratched the surface, because as much as kit is the open one, he also has a history of lying and conning that mark him as as much of a street kid as india, or june was.

he’s destined for death. the only question - one that is revisited throughout tmotl in scenes - is how long it will take before he gets there.

That last day in the Fold had never stopped being a blade lodged in his sternum. Vin could still feel it, the wound it covered. If he ever pulled the knife free, he would bleed out, but the longer he kept it in, the more damage would be done in the long run. 

He kept the blade in. It was the risk he could take, for now.

that’s it for now. i could go on and on, but i think i’ve written enough for now. if you have any questions about this work on the characters, or just want to know something, please reach out via my ask box or messages! i hope this piqued your interest - that being said, if you would like to be added to this specific taglist, or my general taglist, let me know in some way shape or form!

taglist: @cannivalisms @sunshineomeara @thepixiediaries @muddshadow

#.txt #wip: tmotl #wip: the metamorphosis of the lost #writers on tumblr #my writing #creative writing #wip info #first draft #writeblr #wip #wip excerpt #gratuitous amounts of folly here (me rambling about it) #this is SO long but in my defense this is what i want on my blog. long posts where i just talk about my writing #no more making stuff look pretty. i want it to be what i want. and that is about how much i LOVE what i write ok #anyways. hope this cleared some things up or made them more confusing #i have a whole tag you can peruse if you want to learn more or refresh your memory #10+ characters that i never introduced outside of excerpts...we love to see it #this is so crazy and insane and this took me days to write on top of that #but i'm DONE so please interact if you want #if you have the time <3 #and send me an ask if you want to know more!!!