#god sometimes i rmbr the things my family says to me and i just... i dont even know what i want to do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovelovex · 4 months

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no x posts no announcements, kind rude p don’t you think cutting such a big amount of people who CARE about you guys is too much??? it is hard to keep up with all your updates via fucking RUMORS of all things for fucks sake

oh we’re right off w the accusations ok ok ok sometimes i hate being the spokesperson, P the diplomat, but here we go

i’m gonna use this post for the whole rant bc it’s all p much the same in my inbox:

if ‘rumors’ have been your only source of information for the past i dont rly rmbr how many months honey that’s intentional

sometime in july, before i made that post ab the healing process, we sat down and went thru every email subscribed to our mailing list, every account in every gc we used to have, decided fuck it and created all the new ones, rmbr when we had like 500+ members in one of them? well that’s not happening ever again, outsiders aren’t allowed anymore

did it hurt your feelings being left out?

well it hurt my feelings to find out how many of you were actually involved in the case behind my back, how many of you knew exactly what was happening in those two years and stayed silent or worse – chose to side w the person who wanted to take everything he could away from me

not just me, my friends, my family, the ppl i love more than anything else in this world, have suffered enormously bc of His actions and bc of Your support of those actions

i know exactly who you all are, i have a list of names i dont want to hear ever again in my life

the damage you’ve done is irreparable, and it’s beyond my imagination how any of you still feel entitled to anything, did you rly think i’d never find out? i thought it was common knowledge i always find out one way or another

we’re all grown up ppl, and it’s not my place to tell you who you can or cannot talk to, you’ve made your choices and we’ve made ours, and if you ended up on the outside of the circle, welcome to consequences 101, your actions actually do have an impact, what a concept

the case played a big part in the whole thing, but we’re way past that now, and the thing is – the real reason behind ‘cutting out such a big amount of ppl’ is we’re tired, the better part of our lives was dedicated solely to creating a safe space, and we did, only to realize we’re our own safe space, it’s the ppl, so the shows are still happening, the karaoke nights and the acoustic sessions, i say my thank yous from the stage and in emotional voice msgs at 3am bc my god do i love our space, my little sanity oasis, that part hasn’t and will never change

what changed is that we don’t have to subject ourselves to scrutiny, to any form of judgement anymore rly, what they dont know they can’t ruin i rmbr a post like this somewhere on this blog, i dont have to read your thoughts on every single detail of every single move we make, i only hear opinions from those ppl i actually want to listen to, and no, i dont only surround myself w yes men now, if i do smth wrong i still get called out, rightfully so

what i’m mostly tired of is those half-assed friendships, of ppl who only wanted me smiling and shiny, who would disappear the second things got a bit depressing, i dont know who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, or maybe it was, in that case that’s on you if you never had the guts to open your mouth and actually say smth

yk i’ve had to say so many goodbyes in the last two years, i’ll say some more if it comes to this, i’m getting better at letting ppl come and go, but i could never tolerate indifference or betrayal, and i’ve had enough of both of these things

you can still go off in my inbox, let it all out, i can’t rly stop you, just know it doesn’t make any difference to me

#would you look at that i thought i’d sound angrier but this is actually p respectful all things considered?#sit w it for a while we’ll continue later #ask

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banglatown · 4 years

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21 tips i’ve learned in my 21 years for relationships

MAKE! YOUR! INTENTIONS! CLEAR! if you do not want a committed long-term relationship, pls make it known, your wants and needs are valid, do not feel pressured into a commitment you are not ready for, if they respect you, they will understand.. not to mention; you can always change your mind, just remember to communicate!

do not just assume someone is your significant other .. use your words and TALK TO THEM .. other human beings do not exist for you to project onto them, if you’d like them to be your significant other, ask .. they might just say yes lol

less serious .. but if anyone ever asks you to turn on your location for them on snapchat ... don’t . just don’t . trust me that it is an unhealthy tool to utilise .. on either side .. snap is creepy and will let the person who has your location on know what you’re doing at tht exact time .. honestly 🚩 the moment they ask but if you want more of an explanation, it will let them know if you’re asleep... if you’re listening to music.. if it’s raining where you are... if you’re driving.. if you’re on a bus.. and of c the last one, when you were last active 🙃 just don’t, okay

for god’s sake, if you buy your significant other something, that’s great, cool, fine, don’t constantly bring it up over and over again .. whether it’s how hard you worked to get it, how much trouble you went through to get it, or how expensive it was... no, just stop .. don’t .. it’s so crass .. and i promise you, they’ll probz never want you to buy them anything ever again .. so .. just give the present and Go

IF they make apparent to you that valentine’s day is something they want to celebrate... I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABT WHAT COMMERCIALISED HOLIDAY DO RE MI FAH SO LA LA LA .. you fucking participate.. if they mention valentine’s day more than TWICE .. they rly want you to at the very least acknowledge valentine’s day w them .. don’t be that ‘valentine’s day is a commercial jssuejjejwksjd-’ prick, no, friendly reminder that this is why no one likes you .. if you feel tht the person you love wants you to acknowledge hearts day w them .. just do it fgs ..

no. 1 cuntiest thing you can do is to assume someone has free time, no, no they do not, if you’re going to assume anything, assume that they’re busy, at least this way you’ll come across as being courteous when asking them whatever it is you want them to engage in whether it's a phone call or wanting to go out w them, do not think you are entitled to someone else's time

don’t fall for potential .. some ppl just don’t change .. ik some ppl can’t handle hearing tht but i’m sorry darling we don’t live in a fairytale world where ppl w toxic tendencies drop them as soon as they see your face, we live in this one and it’s not your place to try and fix them

nip things in the bud, ppl make mistakes as we are all human and therefore intrinsically flawed but if any foul play ever takes place nip it THERE AND THEN ..

sometimes ppl need their space, different ppl cope w hurt in different ways so if you ever do upset the person you love, don’t just expect them to accept your apology the moment you feel bad and say sorry ... when apologising to someone you need to give them their own time to process

this ones for my muslims, if a significant other ... EVER ... tells you to cover your hair .. x them out of your life ... nope nope nope .. your relationship w god is PERSONAL .. and the very fact that some ppl think it’s appropriate to go abt telling ppl to ‘cover their hair’ is fucking ridiculous.. they’ve very clearly over estimated their own importance in this situation, they’re not shit .. you don’t need someone like tht i promise

i’m a firm believer of how a person treats their friends shows a lot of their character .. if they without any ounce of irony say the sentence “i hate all my friends” ... do not get involved w them, they’re bad news, trust me, if they can’t be nice to the ppl they call friends, sweetheart what makes you think they’ll be different towards you?

this one’s for my desis .. pls do some form of a bg check on their family ,,, PLEASE .. if you’re desi yk .. if not idk .. good for you innit

but speaking of families .. this sounds peculiar but ask abt their relationship w their relatives .. don’t just assume tht just bc you get on well w your familials, tht they will too, ask them abt their family, don’t be overbearing abt it .. but ask cordially

i was debating on whether i should include this or not but some of you completely lack human decency so i suppose i have to .. for the love of all that is fucking holy, if someone ever asks you the question “did you miss me?” SAY YES .. FOR GOD’S SAKE .. you don’t need to get into the semantics of ‘well, i didn’t have time’ 🚫 ‘well do you want me to lie’🚫 or whatever else you heartless cowards say ... simply, say “yes, i did” it’s something so small but it can make someone so fucking happy

listen, rly fucking listen, don’t listen w the intent of saying whatever you want to say, rly take in what tht person is saying to you and anyway “when you talk you repeat what you already know, when you listen you might learn something new”

in a similar vein, don’t assume that just bc someone is complaining or venting or ranting to you tht they want your advice ... they don’t .. the only time they want advice is .. shock horror .. when they ask for it .. sometimes ppl just want to rant, let them, be a safe space

idk why the whole ‘arguments are normal’ thing .. is a thing .. bc it’s not and i feel as though it’s as a result of such thinking that many ppl stay w ppl who just aren’t right for them bc ‘arguments are normal’ but .. newsflash .. they’re rly fucking not, i promise you, yes, where there is more than one person, disagreements are BOUND to arise, but arguments? full fledge shouting matches? .. where the both of you are intentionally trying to hurt each other, no . this is not normal, an argument is serious and should be dealt as such, do not start an argument for no reason, idk why being ✨toxic✨ is a thing .. you are dealing w a real person w real emotions ..

love is mutual generosity, you CANNOT afford to be selfish, the moment you become selfish you will hurt the other person, for the sake of god rmbr you do not own the other person, so pls don’t treat them like they’re property .. it’s not a nice feeling .. i only say all this to bring up, another human being’s BODILY AUTONOMY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ... you either get it or you don’t

REPEAT AFTER ME! anyone who tries to dull your sparkle instead of enhancing it IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!

pls don’t take this the wrong way but .. try to avoid ppl who are insecure as fuck.. insecure ppl will suck the living light out of you ... ik ik i sound mean but you’ll thank me for it later .. sweetheart, ik, they’ve gone through tough times and they’ve somehow managed to make you feel like ~yOu’Re gOiNg tO bE tHe oNe tHt sAvEs tHem~ but no .. baby, therapists make good money, don’t do that shit for free, not to mention; oh they will be cruel to you :) -10/10 do not recommend

last but not least, do not bother pursuing a relationship w someone who has completely different morals to you .. by tht i mean if you’re a feminist and they’re the type of person who slut-shames women for breathing ... yk, as the adage goes “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”

#it’s taken me a while to compile this so i hope you all like it! i just thought since a lot of you found me after i began my shenanigans w #big sis beebs hours 🕰🤎🧸#i always wanted to do like a list of things which i believe ppl don’t talk abt enough when it comes to relationships .. some of you may know #tht tumblr has been w me throughout my entire developmental teen years & so it’s watched me bloom from a 13 yr old to now 21 .. which is #kinda wild .. but anyway; i stopped using tumblr when i was 18 i believe? this is when all the big changes took place and tumblr suddenly #became a v stressful place for me to be ... but then as lockdown began i found myself missing tumblr so i came back a whole 2 years later #lol .. and i am #so glad i did as i have found my own community of ppl who i love oh so much .. you all mean THE WORLD to me! i hope you know tht!#the fact tht so many of you see me as a big sister means everything to me and as a big sister i feel obliged to keep you away from things i #wish i had known .. which is what this post was born out of #i would like to thank you all for your never ending support and kindness shown my way; you all rly make my heart so happy; all of you; even #my babies on anon 🥺🍓 w you all i have own circle and i hope you know how much i value you 💖💓✨💕#for my birthday; all i want is for you all to be kind to yourselves; that’d mean the world to me 🏹💌🌷✨#thank you for all that you all havs done for me ✨💌 i hope this post is helpful! i am always here for you 🦋#oh also; one more little thing; rmbr we help ppl to learn to love their insecurities; not give them new ones 🔐#beebs.txt

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celesecretsanta · 4 years

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@froggystyles

hello!! YES I'M VERY HAPPY ABT ITTT ahhh don't give me too much credit, i saw someone else doing and thought: hmm . i talk too much . might as well make a blog for itjdfhsdkj

oH mY GOD that is a mood!!!!!!!!!!!! randomly thinking abt girls . yeah . and ahhh the christmas rush, that's A Lot

YOOO moment of silence for all the work i do on word and just . don't save it .

AHHH YESSS so dec 13 was the day of my econ final may she rest in peace and there was No Way i could focus on econ, so i tried to find every leak link i could and did! on dec 11, around midnight, i listened to fine line the album and lost my shit and descended to an astral plane. and i'm never coming back dOoOWn and sunflower is 110% abt the desire for gay domesticity lbr 😔 BUt ALSO!!1 listening to the album in full, not on shuffle is so hard?? like. going for tpwk to fine line is an EMOTIONAL BURDENNNNNN

ahHHh it's good, no pressure!!!!! i'm currently watching hsm: the series bc . i need simulationnn

aww, 💝💞💕💖💘 you! deserve! all! the! appreciationnnn!!!!!! i don't draw, but i write and it's very hard to keep on it :/ sometimes, i won't have motivation, but other times, i'll pick out every flaw, buT!!!!!!! talking my characters out with someone always helps! or if i go back to the source of inspiration (like my current piece is basically ya dystopia, and i just rewatched the maze runner series with my sisters (*speaking of whichhh, do you have siblings), and i have 485378 new ideas!!)

oH i get that omg, it's currently 1:48am and i have No PLans to sleep soon,,, (edit: so i finished writing this and it’s 4:14am, this is @ the tv i decided to binge) i thiNK i like staying up so late bc that's when everyone else is asleep and i finally get to be , me .

dskjhs a banana peel?? in water?? and i drink it?? no matter how much . that idea doesn't interest me, I wiLL ~keep it in the back burner~ for the n*xt s*mester!!!

and there's so! many! things you can do with brownies?? caramel, dark chocolate, peanut butter,,,,the possibilities are endless ... too bad i don't bake . or cook sdfkljs (do you bake/cook? i feel like i should but . i'm not moving out anytime soon so. i can get away w/ being a useless kitchen gay)

ahh!!! it was cute, it had little santas and the other one was snow flakes!! (speaking of: every winter, i take out my bed sheet that's grey and has snow flakes bc . why not . also i love my bed and it has to look great always . in fact, i'm sitting on my bed right now. basically: "[michael scott voice] i love sleep. i'd love to get some one day")

ahHH good omens!!!! i'm in a ficless point rn, but!!! i neve considered good omens fics!!! thank you for the Motivation!!!!!!!!

oH so i haven't gone to a concert... or bought tickets to a show aka who am i??? but i thought it was electronic?? but dsfkjh losing them would 110% something i would do omg

i would say keep them in one place, bUT that wouldn't work for me either oof

we ReALLY DOOO!!! shoutout to christmas for existing!

ahHH i rmbr when he cut it, there was chaos everywhere and!!! the dunkirk content!!!! he looked so different!!!! my fave is the 2014/5 harry look tbhhh and jdkfhksj i didn't like harry's short hair at first . but 🥺 it's grown on me

YESSSS LIVE FOREVER IS SO GOOD i wish the promo was done well . but uH liam's team b wack wbk :))))))))

okay yes!! she!!! i'm so proud of harry's journey!!!! and he's confident!!!!!!! and sO much more open than when he started in the band 🥺🥺 but the real special-place-in-my-heart-song has to be tbsl bc. we single!!!!!!! skjfhksdj

yes!!!!! we love that growth!!!! and self-realization!!!!! rooting for youuuu 🎉💝💛 my 6th grade teacher had us write something to our senior-self but i switched schools so i never read it :/ i'm pretty sureeeee i wrote stuff abt 4.0 GPAs and ivy league colleges oofhdskjffh but yes!! taking care of ourselves is important bc it's how we learn to be better versions of our present selves <3 i think writing would be be very . healing hmm. perhaps i'll write one as well,, ⚡💝

aHH so my family & i lived in some apartments that had these bEAUTIFUL, big, flowing willow trees, but then one day our landlord thought them to be too big and cut them down :/ but i'm definitely more of a greenery person 🍃🌿🍀🌿☘🌲🌾🌿🍃

uhhH there isn't an emoji, so here are some links !! to brighten your day, here's a bouquet!!!!

oh!! now that's a style i can get behind 🌟⭐🌟

and it's fun!!! reading this made go 🥰💕✨🎇🥰💓🎇💕🥰✨💞💗💫💓🥰✨ and :') in caps so ily for that

bUT YOU HAVE A CAT AHHHDSJH pls give them all my l💖ve!!!!

okay! so! last couple things! as poc/minority kiddos, we have a Limited option of representation in the media, so my question is: who was the person you looked up to as a kid? and! do you decorate your room? or is it almost impersonal?

ily, you deserve everything that's right in the world, and i think you're the most amazing, most patient, most understanding, most kind person i've known. that's what i think when i think of you <3 💖

may the wind whisper what you need to hear, ✨

#<3 #have a most wonderous day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#edit: i changed the icon bc the santa lowkey creeped me outdfsjhskj

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irastayshome · 5 years

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Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.

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