#god its just. it fucking sucks having what is treated as like Ugly Fat Woman Disease with the way the medical field is!!

[vamptastic]

its like so fucked to me that PCOS is almost always diagnosed in middle aged women bc of fertility issues unless the person in question has a very obvious and severe case or lobbies their doctor at length about it. this would not be so upsetting to me if PCOS didn't massively increase your risk of developing type 2 diabetes in a way that is largely preventable! or if PCOS didn't make it damn near impossible to lose weight, meaning many people have their symptoms dismissed be it for other health problems or PCOS symptoms themselves over something they have next to no control over.

#like its not just infertility insulin resistance fucking sucks #and it can definitely make periods hellishly painful in addition to being irregular #in severe cases (including mine) you can also develop menopausal symptoms or those of early pregnancy #like morning sickness hot flashes constant hunger #dont even get me started on PCOS in trans patients #ive found one. ONE case study on a trans man's PCOS treatment #and instead of answering any of the questions i had the seminar talked abt whether he was put on T too early the entire time #literally did not address the PCOS part a single time #studies are also almost always done on middle aged women bc they're the ones with a diagnosis #meaning if you're a teenager like me the results may not apply to you the same #that's if a study exists at all most of the drugs used for PCOS are for diabetics or menopausal women #and maybe one study of like 40 people exists on how it works for PCOS patients #usually geared towards ensuring regular periods and not what i care about (improved blood panels) #god its just. it fucking sucks having what is treated as like Ugly Fat Woman Disease with the way the medical field is!! #ESPECIALLY as a trans man

[tsuuyuri]

tw for suicide, death, eating disorders, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, anxiety, depression, bullying, etc. just don’t read if you aren’t in a good place. 

i swear to god. 

any knetizen (because yes, this is a specifically a knet problem) that sits back after sulli’s death and acts like they didnt treat her like a piece of meat to buy and sell and eat and spit out and call too fat and too skinny and so selfish and so ugly and so “out of line” like she was some evil snake when she was always just a girl being herself, expressing herself, being different from the “traditional ideal korean woman”, struggling with mental illness and eating disorders in an industry that is stressful and unhealthy and cruel and with “fans” who are absolutely nobody in comparison to who she was that sit in their homes and talk trash about her body, her “attitude”, her sex life, and whatever else on the internet for fun. 

i am sick and tired of people making excuses for korean misogyny and toxic beauty standards because “oh it’s a different culture”, whatever! a culture that promotes sink or swim standards in its education system and requires everyone gets plastic surgery no matter what in order to be considered worth anything needs to fucking change! it’s killing people and it’s been killing people for a long time! south korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. koreans and honestly everyone need to wake up and stop acting like this is just “crazy celebrities” because it’s not. they’re just the ones we all hear about. you don’t hear about the teenager 5 blocks down who committed suicide last week after being bullied for being gay. you don’t hear about the student that committed suicide last month because they aren’t an academic person and their parents called them stupid and punished them for not having top grades. we don’t hear about them because they aren’t famous. but we need to look at these famous people who we think have everything that makes life worth living, commit suicide and understand how much that shit probably happens with just regular ole people. for every celebrity who kills themselves, there’s 10 more non-celebrities. 

every time someone innocent commits suicide, it’s murder. it’s murder by society. it’s murder by people who tear them apart until they can’t be sewn back together again and then wonder how it could happen. 

sulli was anorexic. being anorexic is so, so fucking painful and hard and awful and it’s so much deeper than just being “pretty”. sometimes it’s needing to feel like you have something in your life under control. sometimes it’s wanting to be smaller so maybe people can’t see you anymore because you were abused. sometimes it’s just wanting to die slowly. i went to an inpatient ward 3 times by the time i turned 18 and had tubes shoved down my nose and throat because i just couldn’t eat a thing without panicking and feeling guilty. the anxiety and depression after i got out each time was so crippling that i couldn’t leave my house. i can’t even imagine getting on stage and performing in that state like people criticized sulli for not doing. “oh she’s lazy, she’s selfish, she’s not taking it seriously, she’s just acting like a princess!” she’s a young girl who was having panic attacks, being told her body type isn’t right to be an idol, who was depressed, who wasn’t sleeping enough hours. she was sick. and you made her even more sick. who the hell would want to perform for people who don’t appreciate it? negative words outweigh positive ones. netizens know that. be honest with yourself. they thought it was fun to poke at someone. they felt good talking bad about someone. they thought it was “okay” because she’s a celebrity and apparently when you sign a contract in the kpop industry, your humanity dies and nobody has to think about how their words and actions make you feel anymore. 

women in kpop are attacked all the fucking time for doing normal things. 

i looked at pictures of sulli when she looked her healthiest and i thought she was beautiful. koreans called her flat, flabby, said she had cankles, thick legs, called her fucking sulliphant. i looked at pictures of sulli when she was so thin she should’ve been in a hospital like i had been and i was scared for her but her smile was still beautiful. koreans criticized her for “getting shots and liposuction, oh it’s not natural, the bruises aren’t pretty” or praised her for finally not being “ugly” and having a pretty bodyline, having skinny legs, and for finally discovering the “true wealth of a woman is her looks” and the worst part, some still called her sulliphant and fat and ugly when she was easily under 100 lbs. it’s just unfair. it’s so unfair and horrible and it happens every day, to every female idol, some less and some more, and it happens to every single woman and even men now in some places. 

and now, im sitting here sobbing, not just because i regret not being a bigger support when sulli needed that even though it’s not my fault i wasn’t as aware of kpop, but also because i know if i were a kpop idol while going through depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, paranoia, and anorexia nervosa... i would be dead. i would have been dead years ago. i would be just like sulli. bullied to death by her own mind and by people who think you are their doll to throw around. 

no one should have to “stay strong” through comments like that. not a celebrity, not anyone. no one. 

korean beauty standards need an overhaul. i have had enough. anorexic isn’t beautiful. it’s painful. it should not be a singer’s job to be nice to look at in a very particular and unnatural way that only 10% of people are born looking like. 

sulli having a boyfriend got koreans so fucking angry, calling her unprofessional, a cock-sucking whore, a slut, whatever other disgusting words you can think of, but men were just as quick to ogle her and take photos up her skirt for their own enjoyment because “oh well she’s an idol, that’s what she’s there for”. women were jealous of sulli for having access to handsome and rich men they wouldn’t because she’s an idol and they’re not, so they shamed her for it. men weren’t mad about sulli having a sex life, they were mad about sulli having a sex life that didn’t involve her fucking them, so they shamed her for it. sulli was just being a person. but being a person isn’t congruent with being an idol, for some reason. 

sulli spiraled into reckless behavior and they blamed her for that too when they drove her to it. 

“she’s a celebrity, it’s what she signed up for.” 

no. she didn’t. she signed up to sing, dance, and make people happy. she didn’t sign up for people to tear her apart. 

his case is significantly different, but it’s a part of an epidemic all the same, so i’ll mention him once and not again: jonghyun didn’t pass away just for south korea to learn nothing about ignoring and shaming mental illness and torment another already tortured idol into leaving too.  

this isn’t simple cause and effect, this is prolonged bullying and attacking someone, beating them again and again until they can’t stand up again. this isn’t an isolated issue. it’s years of criticizing, terrorizing, dehumanizing, ignoring, and taking for granted, that leads to one very horrible, very permanent, very quick outcome. 

so yeah. any knet who says “rest in peace sulli” needs to rethink if they really deserve to be saying that. if you ever called this poor girl names, criticized her body as not “aesthetically pleasing”, shamed her for being in a relationship and having sex as a grown woman, sexualized her regularly, exploited her, and/or contributed at all to her feeling this horrifically bad about herself to the point she felt alienated from everyone and like she couldn’t continue living... you don’t get to grieve. you get to feel guilty. you get to feel horrible about what you said and did to this woman who was only human, and who was ostracized for being herself and for appearing strong until she couldn’t anymore. 

sulli, you are not a bad person. you are an angel now and forever. i wish we had done better for you. rest in peace, sweet girl, and know i will always think of you. you will never be just a memory. you are alive through those who truly love you and know you. 

and if you or anyone you know is struggling with bullying, depression, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc., as always, please reach out and get the help you deserve. support is a phone call away. you never walk alone. even if it’s a complete stranger, there are people who want to help and who want you to live on. i want you to live on. i want us all to fight these demons and to work toward a better future. it is possible. we can and must do better. we can and must love ourselves and each other. 

be kind, take care, ask for help, give help. 

celebrity, non-celebrity, women, men, children, black, white, asian, latinx, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, cishet, disabled, able-bodied, neuroatypical, neurotypical, etc. we are all human. 

#long post #tw #negative #sulli #f(x) #choi jinri #feminism #delete later? #anyone that has a problem with my opinions here. just dont mssg me. dont respond. i dont want to hear it #i am allowed to be angry and upset that the same preventable shit is still happening because of a toxic society that ignores its toxicity #even as it kills #also YES my feminism includes transwomen and transwomen absolutely experience misogyny because the probably isnt biology #its femininity (which is genderless) being perceived as weakness and laughable

[kennexara]

I don’t know the exact words for it...but I feel like there’s a distinction between people who have always been considered fat vs people who find themselves fat later in life. 

NOT a distinction like, one’s better than the other. Just....look, here’s my experience.

I started puberty maybe around like fifth grade? And remember how people put on weight before puberty? Yeah so like fourth grade is the first time I remember other kids making me feel bad about my weight. And then there was puberty where everything was awful in general. Around eighth grade, maybe, I had a huge growth spurt? Kid I hadn’t seen in years told me I looked so good since I lost weight. Adult relatives said the same. But I didn’t lose anything, I just gained height. And eventually the weight went up to match the new height and no one said I looked good again. And then I stopped growing and my weight stayed stable. Like 225ish pounds? At 5 feet 8 inches? And I didn’t...I looked in the mirror and I saw I was bigger than my classmates, but at the same time I didn’t look...I didn’t look like what I thought of as fat? I guess...one thing my body does alright is it distributes fat sort of evenly? So I still have that sought after hourglass shape, it’s just a big hourglass? 

Anyways, but then I’d see weight loss shows and these women bawling their eyes out because they’d ‘let themselves go’ and ended up at my weight? my weight that i did nothing to end up at? like this was in high school. you know, when i was on the fucking soccer team? And my mom...my mom weighed about the same but is a few inches shorter. And she still looks in the mirror and says ‘oh god I look like a cow.’ And that...that messes with me too. 

I remember being 12 and my mom finding her old jeans from when she first met my dad and I...I couldn’t fit into them. I couldn’t fit into what my mom wore at 25 when I was only 12. 

And then I went to college and got put on antidepressants and my weight started going up. Oh, there was the brief interlude where I had some suicidal ideation and wasn’t going to class or really eating and dropped below 200 for the first time since middle school. Had family members again telling me I looked so good. I had to withdraw from college due to severe depression but sure at least i was losing weight.

anyways, got put on other antidepressants that helped a bit. weight went back up again. started at community college. met girls that weighed more than me? like, for the first time in my life i wasn’t the fattest kid in the friend group? it was so weird. like, i was so proud i found a specialty ottoman that would actually hold my weight and they were like...yeah we can’t use that and i didn’t know what to say or do??

but it still bugged the shit out of me that my weight kept going up no matter what i did. like, i fucking tried eating healthy and exercising more for about four or five months. and i still gained weight at the same rate as when i didn’t exercise or attempt to eat better. i think my highest weight was about 280?

i found a new doctor to get mental health meds from for unrelated reasons (old one said i was bipolar and i do not agree with that diagnosis) but while i was there i was like, could we try some meds that DON’T cause weight gain because i feel like the sadness caused by the weight gain cancels out whatever feel good chemicals the antidepressant is giving me.

new med lady is chill and actually fucking listens and gave me new meds. and i’ve been losing weight since i started them? no change in diet. no added exercising. i eat every day but the one med does make me less hungry? so i guess the med itself caused a change in diet. i still don’t eat well, i just eat less of it. 

now i’m back to 225ish and its nice. but every reason it’s nice should not be reasons, you know? It’s nice because its easier to find clothes that fit. It’s still hard, but less hard than before. It’s nice because people treat me with a tiny bit more respect. hopefully doctors won’t be so quick to tell me to ‘lose weight’ as a solution to any health issue. These should not be things. I should be able to find clothes at any size, my health complaints should be taken seriously at any size. 

so that’s me, almost always been kinda fat. but i mentioned how my mom, and now a lot of my 30-something 40-something cousins, were all skinny for all of their youth and only later in life started gaining weight to where they or perhaps others classify them as ‘fat.’

and it’s like...i support them doing whatever they want to do. they want to go to the gym and eat salad? good for them! but could they...could they not act like it’s the end of the fucking world that they weigh more? could they not act like they absolutely HAVE to lose the weight they gained?  

could they not act like looking like me is something bad? 

i know, that because they were once skinny, they feel like they can return to that. and i understand why they want to; life is easier if you’re skinny. life and people are nicer if you’re skinny.

but i never had that. there was no before for me. fat is my default state. 

and i hesitate to even say any of this, because i just know there’s someone 300 plus going, “oh your life is so hard, being under 300 pounds. shut up you’re not even fat.”

i know because i throw that same fit when i read product reviews of ‘i was up to 150 pounds and i knew something had to change i couldn’t keep living like this.” 

i don’t...i don’t know what the solution to any of it is. i just...i don’t tell people they have to stay at their new weight. why must they tell me i have to change mine? i don’t have any health problems relating to being fat. and even if i did...so what? almost all of my uncles are either smokers or alcoholics that probably have health issues due to the smoking/drinking. but they’re still skinny so my cousins don’t care i guess? i mean, i don’t care. as long as they don’t smoke near me i’m not going to yell at them and in return they better not yell at me if i get seconds or thirds of grandma’s homemade ice cream, you know? 

i haven’t even touched on how men/boys treat you when you’re fat and i’m too tired to get into all of it. just...i understand that it fucking sucks that half the time men are only nice because they want sex. but i need skinny people to understand that it also sucks when half the time men ignore you or are straight up rude and insulting to you because they find you unfuckable and that is a sin apparently. or like, being cat-called. i understand it’s fucking terrible. its also terrible to hear shit like ‘oh a catcall is just saying you’re attractive’ or ‘every woman gets cat-called.’ great, i’m apparently fucking ugly and not even a girl. the f on my birth certificate actually stands for fat not female.

i don’t know how to change society. i don’t even know how to change my own internalized fatphobia. i just sometimes get the sense that there’s this divide. it’s like the femininity thing in feminism, i guess. you want to wear makeup? go for it. but it should NOT be necessary for me to be respected. you want to lose weight? go for it. but again it should NOT be necessary for me to be respected.

and i don’t know how to bridge that divide. oh it’s also like the marriage and motherhood thing. getting married and have kids if you want. but i don’t want to and i’m so sick of being fed this idea that i have to.

i don’t...i’m trying not to tell people they can’t do those things, but sometimes it feels like the second i say ‘you don’t have to wear makeup/lose weight/have children” i get yelled as if i’m saying they can’t have those things. you can have them!!!! i just, personally, need to hear that i don’t have to do those things more often!!! and no one ever says it to me!!!! “you’ll find someone eventually!” what if i don’t??? why can’t they ever say “you don’t need someone” i’d love to find someone but between the fatness and my general personality and lack of social skills and the fact that in nearly 25 years there’s really not been anyone interested yet i’m gonna bet on not happening!!!!!

tl;dr: yo can people respect each other a bit more maybe?

#ignore me