#gayvarden

[edosianorchids901]

“i know i shouldn’t be here.”

“I know I shouldn’t be here.”

 _____________________

               Eventhough I’d expected it, the fury on Julian’s face when he spotted me still mademe ache. “Garak,” he said flatly, stepping the rest of the way inside.

               “Iapologize for the intrusion. I know I shouldn’t be here.” I’d debated for theentire day about whether or not to go to see him. Eventually, my longing anddesire for connection had won out, and I’d come to his quarters, waiting forhim to come home.

               Hedrew a long breath, looking at me without any of his usual fondness. “What doyou want?”

               Mouthsuddenly so dry that it was difficult to talk, I gave an aimless wave of myhand. “I wanted to speak with you, to apologize.”

               Julian’sjaw clenched. “There’s not really anything you can say.”

               “Iknow, I just…” Unable to remain seated any longer, I pushed upright and pacedto the viewport. “I wanted to explain why I did it.”

               “Garak,I know why you did it.” He slammedhis padd down on the table. “You told me already. Sisko wanted your help to getthe Romulans into the war.”

               Hemay know, but did he truly understand? Did he know how desperate I was to turnthe war around? Did he understand the Cardassian drive to accomplish the goalby any means necessary?

               “Whenyou give a Cardassian a task,” I began carefully, still hoping to salvage ourrelationship, “they’ll do anything to–”

               “Youturned over eighty-five liters of bio-mimetic gel to someone intending to useit for god knows what!” Julian exploded, taking a few long strides and gettingright in my face. “You involved me in this, Garak! You involved your partner inthis!”

               “Youwere ordered to provide the gel, it’s not as if you’re liable for–”

               “Thatdoesn’t matter!” He didn’t generally yell at me, and I found myself unable todo much more than stare at him, my spirits sinking lower and lower. “Do youknow what they could do with that much gel? Do you even care? And do you carethat you forced me to hand it over? I almost died because of bio-mimetic gelonce! Do you remember that?”

               Of course,I remembered – I’d agonized over bringing the request to Sisko for preciselythose reasons. “Yes,” I whispered. The pain of nearly losing Julian to theLethean’s attack still felt fresh, even though it had been over three yearssince that day.

               “Thenhow could you do this?” Anger was no longer the predominant emotion in hiseyes. Now it was accompanied by hurt and betrayal, things I found much moredistressing. I’d never, ever wanted to hurt him. “Garak, how could you do thisto me? I would have died to keep it out of the hands of criminals. I nearlydid. But you forced me to provide it. So, whatever horrid things they do withit are my fault too.”

               “Hardly,Doctor. I believe the responsibility rests with myself and Captain Sisko.”

               “Itdoesn’t matter! You pulled me into your damn scheme, not even caring that I’dbe party to genetic experiments, biogenic weapons. And you expect me to listento you trying to justify it?”

               Myheart wilted. That was it, then. Of all the sacrifices I’d made for Cardassia,this was the worst. I’d hurt a good man and driven away perhaps the only personwho had ever truly loved me for who I was.

               Icouldn’t bring myself to reply, all my fight gone. It was like a gaping woundhad opened up in my chest, draining away all my life and passion.

               “Garak!”he snapped, enraged again. “What the hell do you have to say for yourself?”

               Therewas no point. What I’d done was indefensible, and he would never forgive me.Not this time.

               Atmy continued failure to respond, absolute fury flooded him. He grabbed me bythe arms and gave me a hard shake. “Garak, you owe me an answer!”

               Washe going to strike me? It’s not as though I wouldn’t deserve it. And perhaps itwould make him feel better. “It’s all right if you hit me,” I heard myself say.“I’d deserve it.”

               Julianreleased me immediately, jerking back and staring at me with bewilderedconfusion. “What?”

               Beinghit seemed like the logical conclusion to this conversation, especially afterhow Sisko had reacted. “You’re right. I did drag you into this. I neverintended to hurt you, but I have. I’ve utterly failed you. It’s all right ifyou need to strike me. I understand.”

               Heblinked several times and licked his lips, looking dazed. Carefully, he touchedmy cheek, and I flinched. “Elim, I’m not gonna hurt you,” he murmured. “I’m notSisko. And I’m not Tain either, for that matter.”

               “That’smost gratifying.” I didn’t know what to say or do now.

               Hedrew a shaky breath, swaying slightly. “I’m not really feeling well.”

               “Iapologize. I’ve subjected you to considerable stress.” I took his hands,leading him to the couch and sitting both of us down. “My dear?”

               Hewiped at his eyes, and I realized he was in tears. “Elim, I’m sorry.”

               “Oh,Julian, no!” I laid my hand on the side of his head, panicked. Had Imanipulated him, even unintentionally? “You needn’t apologize. Your anger iswell justified and directed at the correct party. I knew what I was doing. Iknew it would upset you, and I went ahead with it anyway.”

               Withanother long, shaky breath, he looked at me. “The worst part is that Iunderstand exactly why you did it. I understand why you did all of it. But itstill hurts.”

               “Iknow.” I swallowed hard, trying not to notice that I was trembling. “Iapologize again, Julian. I won’t ask you to forgive me, and I won’t trouble youany further.”

               “Elim?”He caught my arm as I tried to stand. “Where are you going?”

               Toattempt to drink myself into a stupor. “Away. I know you’re furious with me. Iwon’t bother you, I promise. And…” I hesitated, unsure how to express mycomplicated web of emotions. “Thank you for all the kindness you showed mewhile we were together. I’m sorry that I did such a poor job of repaying you.”

               Iattempted to step away, and he held on tighter. “I don’t want you to go,” hewhispered, distressed.

               “Youdon’t?” I didn’t understand.

               “No,I don’t.” He tugged on my arm and I sank back to the couch, confused. “I’mangry with you, yeah. But I don’t wanna lose you, Elim.”

               Mybreath rushed out and I dropped my head, so relieved that I could barelycomprehend what was happening. “I… thank you. I don’t want to lose you either,but I fear I’ve damaged our relationship beyond repair.”

               “No.”He lifted my chin, gazing at me. “It’s not beyond repair. Things might be roughfor a while – there’s a lot to process. But you’re too important to me to justlet you go, even over something like this.”

               “Ido care,” I said softly, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. “I care that Ihurt you. I knew this would be deeply upsetting for you. I agonized over it. Butin the end, there was no other way. I tried everything else.”

               Hegave a slow nod, and then rested his forehead against mine. “I believe you,Elim. It’s just gonna take me some time, that’s all.”

               “Morethan understandable, and much appreciated.” I didn’t deserve another chance,didn’t deserve his forgiveness. But, as always, he gave it nonetheless.

#garashir #garak x bashir #elim garak #julian bashir #star trek #deep space nine #prompted writing #gayvarden #plain simple writing

[grimark]

gayvarden replied to your post: just wanna say a heartfelt FUCK YOU VERY MUCH to...

he owes me an ice cream or smth tbh I don’t want to feel things abt Marvel any more

petition for taika waititi to buy us all an ice cream tbh

like obviously i’m gonna go see his movie, it looks great and i’m excited about it, and that is exactly why he owes me an ice cream.

#gayvarden #broodfester tongues #i haven't seen a marvel movie since the winter soldier #and even that was bc it was free and i had nothing better to do #i was VERY SURE that once my embarrassing avengers phase ended in like late 2012 that was it for me #that was the last time i would give a shit #AND YET

[lionowlonao3]

@hekeepsmeworm want to do the honours? @gayvarden wow that's quite a while! I'm​ interested to hear what you came up with?

#replies #hekeepsmeworm #gayvarden

[saints-row-2]

@gayvarden i listen to One Perfect Pod, the Faculty of Horror and the Evolution of Horror. i like podcasts that are in-depth.

[bijoumikhawal]

@gayvarden I've been looking at notes on my posts, and I saw your blog And then I saw your obvious aphobia I'm not sure if you know this (despite me making posts about it, having it in my literal blog description, etc.) I have politely asked aphobes and others to not interact with my blog, or consume the content I produce. Please, don't interact with my blog, or my posts, even if you rb or like it from someone else's blog.

#cipher talk #aphobia/

[riddlingsphinx]

Tagged by @hydrospanners.

How old are you? A couple years from 30

Current job / dream job? I’m a software developer for a company that makes software for county level government. If nothing else it has inspired me to pay a lot more attention to county-level offices.

I don’t know. I’m closer to my dream job than I was a year ago, and that was closer than I was two years ago, so... that’s something, at least.

What are you talented at? Biting off more than I can chew. Procrastinating by filling out get to know you memes.

What is your aesthetic? Wall to wall, floor to ceiling bookshelves filled with books. Comfy chairs, with tables within easy reach for mugs of tea.

Do I collect anything? Fun commitments that eat all my free time. Unplayed computer games. Books.

What is a topic that you’re always up to talk about? Books. I will happily talk at length about what I am reading, what I have read, what books I recommend, any books we might have in common, childhood favourites. (Currently reading: 1493, and Love in the Time of Cholera)

What is a pet peeve of yours? The noise nail clipping makes. (At one point in my previous position the guy who was training me just started clipping his fingernails at my desk. I had to resist screaming and running away and instead ask him to go do that at his desk please)

Good advice to give? "Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. You can waste . . . years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just . . . take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that's hard.”   - Ekaterin Vorkosigan, A Civil Campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold

Recommend three songs: Nimrod, Sorrowful Songs, Tundra

I’m supposed to tag 7 people: @ellie181, @pyrrhy, @greywardang, @menollywanderer, @theshyion. @the-arkanus-legacy, @gayvarden

#about me #absolutely no pressure if you don't want to #or don't have time #weee #procrastinating

[gayswampqueen]

@gayvarden we all show up outside his house holding up boom boxes playing Carry Rae Jepson

[edosianorchids901]

“Focus on me, okay?” would be an amazing garashir prompt

I’m a complete sucker for hurt/comfort, so I literally vibrated with delight when I got this prompt!

“Focus on me, okay?”

 ________________

               Itwas the sounds that woke me – a gasping whine, followed by whimpering. Groggy,I reached out in the dark for my partner. “Elim?” I murmured, my voice roughwith sleep.

               Hetrembled badly under my hand, still making soft noises of distress. Concerned,I pushed upright and put the lights on a low level, just enough for me to beable to see.

               “Garak.”I reached across him and found both his hands curled into fists on the blankets.Definitely a nightmare, then, which was sadly not an uncommon occurrence.

               Hegave another low whine, huddling tighter. “Shhh, you’re okay,” I soothed, runningmy hand across his sleek hair. “Elim, it’s okay, easy.”

               Hisbreath caught, and every muscle in his body contracted. Convulsive tremors torethrough him, shaking the entire bed.

               “Elim!”  I slipped my hand under his head and easedhim onto his back, then stroked hair away from his face. “Love, wake up. You’rehaving a nightmare, it’s not real. Garak?”

               “No,”he gasped, thrashing. “No!”

               “Garak!”I shook him, and he bolted upright, throwing his arms wide. “Hey, it’s okay.It’s okay, you’re safe.”

               “No,no, get it off.” He twisted as I caught hold of his arms. “I can’t breathe, getit off!”

               “Elim!”I captured his face in my hands, stilling his frantic movements. “Dearest, lookat me! Look, it’s Julian.”

               Panicked,disoriented eyes locked onto me. His lip trembled, and he struggled to speak.“Th-the walls. They fell.”

               “Itwas just a dream, it’s okay.”

               “No,it…” Garak jerked out of my grip, looking around in terror. “I can see it, it’sall caving in!”

               “Hey,shhh.” I laid my hand on his cheek, redirecting his attention. “Focus on me,okay?”

               Heblinked several times, and then gave a soft sob. “Julian?”

               “I’mright here.” I ran slow, gentle strokes across his clammy skin. “You’re okay,you’ve just had a nightmare.”

               “No,it was real,” he insisted, gaze sliding away to the ceiling. “It was real, itall fell on me. I can still feel it, I can feel the rubble, I can…”

               Hesucked in a sharp breath, and I saw that I was losing him to his past. “Elim,look at me.” I grasped his quaking hand, giving a firm squeeze. “You are not onTzenketh. You’re on DS9, with Julian. You had a bad dream, that’s all. You’resafe now.”

               Anotherwave of tremors rolled over him, and he gritted his teeth. “I c-can’t breathe,I…”

               “Shh,I’m here.” I pressed my fingers to his temple, finding that his heartrate wascompletely out of control. “Garak, stay with me.”

               Hemade a shattered attempt to draw breath, and something broke in his eyes. “No!”he cried, beginning to thrash. “Let me out!”

               “Elim!”I touched his arm and he shoved me back with a gasp. “Shh, I’m not gonna hurtyou.”

               Dazedeyes wandered to me again. “I don’t know where I am, I can’t… Am I in thecloset?” His voice came out weak, frightened.

               “Shhh…”Careful not to startle him, I reached out again. I could see that he wasstarting to go into some sort of shock, freezing up completely as his mindreturned to the place where he’d been trapped so many times.

               Thistime, my touch didn’t worsen his fear. Instead, he licked his lips and lookedat me, seemingly trying to identify me. “Julian?” he asked after a moment.

               “Yes,that’s right.” I slid a little closer and slipped my arm around his back,applying gentle pressure until he responded. “There we go, come here.”

               Witha whimper of relief, he huddled against me. “I thought…”

               “Iknow, Elim.” I stroked his hair again, pressing my lips to his head. “You staywith me, okay? You’re safe now. I promise, no one’s gonna hurt you.”

               Hisbody trembled in my arms, and his breaths remained ragged. “Am I imaginingyou?” he whimpered.

               Deeplyalarmed, I turned him just enough that he could see my face. “You’re notimagining me, I’m right here. Focus on me, Garak.”

               Shamewashed across him, and he turned back against my chest. “I’m sorry. I should beable to control myself, shouldn’t be getting lost in memory like this. I’m soweak and pathetic, I can’t believe I’m putting you through this.”

               “Hush,no.” I began to rock him, my heart aching with sympathy. “You aren’t weak orpathetic, darling. You’ve had traumatic experiences, that’s all.”

               “Yearsago.” He sounded bitter now, huddling tighter against me, bracing as if afraidhe was going to be struck. “A disciplined mind doesn’t come apart like this.”

               “Hey,easy,” I soothed. Trying to calm him, I rubbed his back, and he gave a harshflinch. I stilled immediately, not wanting to worsen his agitation. “It’s justJulian, you’re safe.”

               “I dreamedabout Tzenketh.” His hands knotted into fists on my shirt. “It was so real, Julian. It was happening allover. And then the closet… I thought Tain had locked me in the closet again.”

               I clenchedmy jaw, trying to get myself under control. “You’re never gonna be locked in acloset again,” I said fiercely, holding him tighter. “You’re free of him.”

               “Butam I?” His quivering worsened. “All these years later, all this time, and he still haunts me. I’m never free of anyof it. Not of anything done to me, nor of anything I’ve done.”

               “You’renot alone anymore.” I cradled him closer, rocking slowly again. “I’m here withyou, now. Tain, Tzenketh… the things in your past invade sometimes, I know. ButI’m here for you, to help guide you back to me.”

               Garak’sarms wrapped around me, and he pushed up enough that he could lay his head onmy shoulder. I combed my fingers through his hair again, glad he was respondingto me. It was always difficult to predict how he would react when he got likethis.

               Itwas a long while before his tremors eased to just a slight quivering. At last,he drew a deeper breath. “Thank you, Julian.”

               “Ofcourse, darling.”

               Afew more shaky breaths. “I still feel quite ashamed of myself.”

               “Iknow you do, but it’s okay. Really.”

               Hesnorted. “It’s not. Really.”

               Itried and failed to stifle a sigh. “Garak, come on. It’s not gonna do any goodfor you to beat yourself up about it. It’ll only make you feel worse.”

               “MaybeI deserve to feel worse.” His hold tightened on me in what I recognized as desperationfor stability and security. “I am afailure, after all.”

               “Elim,stop.” I kissed his head again, restraining myself from a lecture. It wouldn’thelp right now, only make him more agitated.

               “Apologies.”He drew back, eyes darting to my face for an instant. Then he dropped his headagain, unable to meet my gaze. “I’m behaving shamefully.”

               “No,you’re not.” I gently wiped away the sweat that slicked his skin. “I don’t mindhelping, okay? I never mind.”

               Hegave a faint, unconvincing smile, eyes still downcast. “You’re truly kind. Isuppose I should let you get some rest.”

               Keepingmy touch light, I lifted his chin. He struggled to maintain eye contact, clearlyupset and unsettled. “I’m not going back to sleep until you’re okay, reallyokay,” I murmured. “I can get by with less rest, it’s totally fine. You’re moreimportant to me.”

               Hiseyes misted, and he swallowed hard. “My dear Julian,” he whispered. “Even afterall these years, I’m still not accustomed to…”

               “Tohaving someone care about you and be kind to you?”

               Garaknodded, bringing his hand to my cheek. “Have I made it abundantly clear howvery much I cherish you? I feel I neglect that, at times.”

               “You’vealways made it clear. I know it’s hard for you to be expressive sometimes.” Itinfuriated me to think of how he’d been forced to shut down the best parts ofhimself for so many years. “But you try so hard, love. You always try so hard,and you’re so harsh with yourself. I accept and love you for who you are.”

               Hegave me another small smile. “I love you too. I very much appreciate yourreassurances.”

               “AndI’m happy to give them.” Seeing that he was calming, I leaned in and kissed hisbrow. “Do you wanna try to get a little more sleep?”

               Heshook his head. “Not yet, my dear. But I would like to be close to you. I’mafraid I still feel rather dazed.”

               “Sure,that sounds lovely.” So, I leaned against the wall and coaxed Elim to my side,glad that he seemed to be mostly present with me, dazed or not. He snuggledagainst me with a contented sigh, and I smiled. There was nothing morerewarding than seeing him relax in my arms.

#garashir #garak x bashir #elim garak #julian bashir #star trek #deep space nine #prompted writing #gayvarden #plain simple writing

[grimark]

gayvarden replied to your post: tbh pacrim2 looks like it’s gonna be pretty...

Just don’t let the scientists be nohomo’d that’s like my only sticking point the rest could be a 2 hour long fart and I wouldn’t care

like, they don’t even need to be actually gay, just not too obnoxiously straight. that’s all i ask for.

#gayvarden #vanessa gottlieb doesn't exist 2k18 #not to drag up the ghosts of fandoms past or anything #but newmann is real and it's good