#every little thing keeps making me cry

[veikkoalen]

thank you @theskoomacat <3 <3

nine things

Last Song: aurora - your blood (my favorite line is "when all inside you burns like a star / 'cause after all that's all what you are". my brain made up the second part)

Favorite Color: idk but everything non-monochrome i buy is blue

Last Movie/TV Show: i'm trying to watch von trier's riget but i can't sit still. i think i rewatched nightcrawler to the end but it was back in october

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: if i don't eat a teaspoon of sugar a day i die

Last Thing I Googled: wake photograph control

Current Obsession: alan wake the man

Last Book: death stranding novelization. it was in september

Last Fic: i actually wrote a fic today, but it's kinda a welcome entry to the bleach oc ask so idk how interesting is that. the last thing i read was deprivation by chaosdunk.

Looking Forward To: the weekend and the paycheck and also death too

@koriandrrr @collawashbear @kiyrian @tom-zane @pitchforkhead @entropicquilibriumofchaos hii

#have suicidal alan as a treat #just discussed with a friend that we both obsess over people rather than over fandoms or categories of things #“i feel like shit for being a stalker so i don't think that's normal” me doing absolutely the same: #just little autism things #also i keep fucking crumbling from the cliff unger's character arc #can you STOP making me cry for an hour every time i see you singing

[brown-little-robin]

あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up. #this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY. #it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's— #hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker....... #I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!! #WAH!!!! #I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I like to imagine that, after Pepito goes to sleep, Tilin's spirit visits him in his dreams. She kisses him on the forehead and tells him happy birthday and reassures him that his parents love him, and when he asks how she could know that, Tilin just says: "Because we share a dad, and I know he loves me too."

#i talk #qsmp talk #man.... #I haven't been able to keep up with Pepito much since he always shows up in evening streams for my timezone #and it's hard for me to watch that #but lonely little children who just want to be loved make me cry like nothing else #I've got a massive spot for kids and lonely characters #Tilin was a very lonely kid but even SHE had Roier and Jaiden #I know Quackity didnt care as much for Tilin back then as he does retroactively now #there's a lot to say / analyze about that and love becoming a post-mortem thing #but I'm not in the mood to analyze that rn. I'm already depressed #I hope Pepito gets showered in love at every opportunity #I need to watch Fit's christmas event stream because I THINK he hung out with them? I didnt catch it

[83cky313]

Happy birthday @thedawningofthehour

I wanted to thank you for your amazing work from a stranger on the internet on the other side of the planet to another stranger on the internet, especially cause it is now one of the stories I held very dear and close to my heart (even with all the trauma you keep giving me).

Congratulations on getting another year older!! 🎉🎊🥳

Many more happy birthdays to come for you and I truly wish you the best!

#happy birthday #wish you the best #please keep traumatising me #I need to cry a little every once in a while #so its for the best #timezones are a thing what #congratulations on getting another year older #and creating a masterpiece #thank you for making this so that I coulg get to know this fandom

[hella1975]

choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her

#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me #and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front #always always bowl me over #like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time #like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that #when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair #but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard #so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment? #and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's #even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with #bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc #i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum #BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart #like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me #it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE #and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry #and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls #that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good #and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her #that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension #and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone #but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her #i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me #but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her #girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH #hella goes home

[dreamerlynx]

gripping stubborn hope in both hands I’m going to do better I’m going to get through this

#okay so maybe my brief better period after that assignment trouble and stuff was. just bc I wasn’t working on it #i got a ton of Other assignments and group projects with something due every day this week dumped on me :)) and maybe had a long crying fit #in the middle of the day and also kinda um. in public (no one noticed it was a busy place) which is. EXTREMELY new and concerning #but after that I kinda realized for real. I need to do things differently I need to take care of myself better bc I can’t keep on like this #I can’t keep dragging myself to classes and nothing else and lurching from due date to due date #so step one I went to bed earlier last night by a little bit and then got myself to get breakfast #step 2 is making an organized list of assignments coming up and scheduling times to work on everything that I Will abide by

[widevibratobitch]

.

#coming to tumblr for the first time in three days just to bitch because i feel like shit <333 #sorry if i havent responded to your message i will as soon as i get a grip but rn im just too busy #both with uni and with crying because a friend said a mean thing to me lol #and because im tired of this new friendship already and tired of hearing this girl talking how great she is lol #am i jealous? fuck yeah i am. #and it's not like she's mean like straight up. cause like. #when i say im really considering quitting and dropping out she tries to encourage me ig #but then she follows it up with 'ofc *I* never had a problem with this and that because it always just came naturally to me teehee #but yknow. dont give up uwu' #and she keeps sending me recordings of her singing to tell her how good she is and always tells me how her teacher praises her #and like. its cool. like i get it that its a nice feeling when you do something well and wanna share that joy with a friend #but idk. i just think its kinda. well not mean but a litt #*a little tone deaf? when ive just been telling her that im in a Bad Place rn and my voice isnt working as it should #and my pianist is bullying me and i end up crying on almost every lesson #and she hits me with a 'damn that sucks fuck that pianist dont give up tho <3 #now do you wanna listen to me sing bel raggio lusinghier like a pro and my professor telling me i am sublime?' #also when i tell her that im sorry that im not very social and i just cannot stay and chat cause im having a horrible day today #and really dont feel well and she's like 'yeah i havent noticed anything you're always like that... *side eye*' in a way that suggests #im a horrible friend cause im not talking with her enough and yet again im disappointing her (aint that familiar lol) #i just. idk. the last two-three weeks have been absolutely horrible to me. i cant get out of bed i havent done a single colorful make up #in so long ive basically forgotten how to do that. and i loved doing fun make up looks that make people tell me i look like a clown. #but i just dont have the energy to do anything more than put on a random tshirt and spray dry shampoo on my unwashed hair #i dont even wear my rings anymore. ive stopped caring about being the pinkest slayest queerest looking bitch in the room cause i just. cant #and even some casual friend of mine asked me yesterday if im okay cause they can see something is Not Right. but SHE not only doesnt notice #anything. i have a feeling she feels like im disappoing and neglecting her because i cant be bothered to text with her 24/7 #like idk. maybe its just my imagination but i barely even feel like an actual person. more like just a homunculus made to trail after her #and listen to her bragging about how pretty/talented/unbothered she is #oh and also for her to keep dissing m/ozart lol like idk why it hurts me so bad but then ig its not that unusual to feel shitty #when someone keeps talking shit about something you really love and are passionate about and making you feel like an idiot #because you like it. because its stupid and boring and you're a simpleton for enjoying it instead of liking sth more 'ambitious'

[fourteenthz]

the way this scene was made and these shots showing right after the other makes me not really well. thowing up even. insane in the head.

#yeah the wol has so much love for the scions and it's clear as day BUT it's moments like these that gets me the most #the compliments are nice dont get me wrong and they always come #OH MAN AM I READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS but chief...... it's the way she isn't even looking at the camera for me chief. #shes talking with the pixies your honor. she's just telling them what happened. #cut to the scions just staring at her like THAT......... MAN...................... THEY MAKE ME SO JHJFDJSFJGFLFKGCH GOD #THEY REALLY ARE my special little family. it's the “that's our wol” in their faces to me. #i didn't notice this one at first and man I'm glad I took the sc on the first one bc I was like “hehe. her <3” #next scene is the scions going “her <3 hehe” YOU GET ME? #but really this is my daily please perceive my wol. babiest of girls. i had to keep myself from posting too much agAIN #and even stopping myself from posing more gposing with the twins again so GET THIS HERE INSTEAD #also bc the msq keeps pulling us apart I DIDN'T REMEMBER IT WAS THAT BAD MAN. #every two quests: maybe we should split the party. me: sighs.... /gpose /kneel /worried #also AS ALWAYS thancred's “we are going back - together needless to say. to the bitter end” always makes me sigh... /gpose /kneel IM JK WAI #couldn't miss the joke......... anyway what was I talking abt #wol posting #kelly plays xiv #kelly says #ALSO WAIT MORE THING TO SAY........... I forgot seto was the first to point out the similarity with ardbert's soul HELLO? #I probably didn't understand it at first and forgot abt it lol buT MAN......... HE KNEW MAN................ crying everytime he appeared bt #also “you remind me of him. your kindness.” BABY............................................ BABY. IT'S TRUE. #I adore him SO MUCH man I NEED all jobs to lvl 80 DAMN IT #it's soooooo cylva coded..... “I should've expected you would say that + you and ardbert would be good friends” #it's the scions enamoured (platonically) with the wol from these screenshots ALL OVER AGAIN #the because of his love I was undone.............................................. can anyone hear me..... there's so much of azem's love i #both of them. there's so much of her kindness and resolve... man. MAN. walking into the ocean. #6.0 spoilers

[carrotpiss]

🐰🧡🐻

#in stark contrast to most of my personal posts this is about me being happy and gay #because i need to just get it out my system bc otherwise i am just going to grab a friend by the shoulders and scream (in joy) in their face #i am dating someone and its really really nice and sweet and cute and like nothing ive ever experienced before #and instead its like every tiny little dream about this kind of thing ive managed to hold onto despite every experience otherwise and ahhhh #the lack of focus on just sex or sex appeal is so nice its like there but as a side thing so its nice and i dont feel like an object #i feel like a human person with thoughts and feelings and interests outside if that and feel safe in that and feel safe that everything wont #just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything #and el likes me as much as i like them and wants and sees and communicates that they want something long term and ahhhhhhhh #i just want to cry like holy shit this is everything ive ever wondered about like i have spent so long wondering what this feeling would #actually feel like and its so good and so indescribable and ahhhhhhh #waking up on monday night and seeing them in my bed and cuddling me was just so nice i felt wanted i felt... loved #this all seems so out of left field still i still feel like i just never saw it coming but its so welxome and nice and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #my pessimism is still there but its less loud now its more learning to accept this may not be perfect forever but letting me enjoy the now #crouch speaks #it feels so nice to not be scared and to feel secure and ahhh #also it made me laugh El remembered me hitting on then at the Dgoals release show making them blush lol #i only remember the time i hit on them later at the groles show so its funny i pretty much used the same line twice and it still worked #i cant wait to see them again i cant wait to hold hands in public again i cant wait to be idiots who keep blushing too hard and accidentally #kissing eachother on the nose instead of the mouth because we are stupid and gay and pathetic about it hahaha #just ahhhh i could gush forever how perfect the 2!!! dates weve been on were and the fact they want more and more and ahhhhh #this is so lame i know i just haven't experienced anything remotely like this before and its just... wild #like wow holy shit what on earth i have been so increasingly miserablely depressed and insecure from the shea stuff last year and then this #just absolutely removed all of that i actually feel like a human person again with value

[frazzledazzlin]

hope u guys don't mind me being a little queer sometimes and talking to myself in the tags, it helps clear my head since people can filter out rant posts easily

#bc i had not used this place in a while until late 2022 ive absolutely forgotten if i used to talk to myself in tags here before or not #i say this bc i now have people who actively see my art here n just throwing random rants here would be very rude so i prefer tags help #feels safer here too LOL #also feels a little scary but im sure that's normal for many that there are ppl who read all tags mein gott #NOT A BAD THING THAT PPL READ TAGS i wouldn't be writing anything if i wanted to kill people for reading tags lol #just stating observations aheem aheem #its like writing on a public bathroom's walls and people passing by to be like “damn bitch ok” /funny #also do not worry at all about how i express myself i do apologize if my words sometimes sound like im on the brink but like #violence is the only way i love to be expressive HELP #watch me be on the government watchlist for the shit ive said gootbyeeeeeeee #but do not feel worried i will be ok eventually every time. sometimes i just gotta explode oh so violently to deflate and feel normal again #WISH I COULD USE EMOJIS ON THIS DAMN PC #anyway the person im trying my damned to avoid is Sure Making It Difficult #at least the people i wanted to know why i was autotune crying baby for a while heard me out n im alive in that regard finally smile emoji #how long can you keep gently hinting you want to distance yourself from somebody until you lose your goddam mind and feel sweet relief when #they actually leave said group themselves after getting my blunt hints help help #oh i sound so fucking rude with just my side but mein gott i don't care bc it was never a serious thing to begin with #just shot my anger thru the roof for good reason and finalliegh im getting mutual distance from that person lol #never get close with ur fave artists worst mistake of my life /hj for real #u start off loving seeing them every time and then boom youre sad how things turned out every time you see them my god #also make sure ur minor friends dont feel like they need to mend things for the adults i feel so fucking sad for someone bc of this rn but #i talked to them n hopefully they understand aouhg. #anyway back to queer posting thats enough soup for today good god #ranting

[flamboyant-king]

We saw the beginning, now I be thinking about all the possible...uhh the word is like aftermath...epilogues? Seeing as the narrative will be left open ended, we can hypothesize and fantasize just about anything!

This one is Harvey carrying on with what he idealized as a normal life, getting married, having kids, going out with the boys, stuff you see on TV. But Cammy is still there, still a part of his life. And that's pretty neat. And also I cry.

#i went on a spree yesterday with a bunch of aftermathematics that made me cry myself to sleep #because no matter what. every single end. cammy will outlive harvey. every thing in between can be different #cammy leaving. cammy staying. reluctance. romance. etc etc. cammy will live on without harvey. and it will hurt them. a lot. #it hurts me a lot. im still crying over 'thank you for keeping me in your life' #cammy could be living in the garden until the very end. either of harveys life. or the tree they took care ofs life. #maybe cammy leaves but visits from time to time. or maybe they visit right before harvey kicks the bucket #who knows! thinking about anything past the narrative makes me cry #because we dont see that in media. we always get the good ending but that is never the end. what happens afterwards? #cause grow as we go's narrative ends after harvey finally reunites with his family in the philippines and decides #i want to stay at my house and take care of my garden. ill be sure to visit every year from now on. #and the credits would roll as him and cammy travel back. on the plane. the taxi ride. harvey getting the key in the door. #harvey putting cammy in the little makeshift bed he made. and him looking out the window of his room down at the garden. him smiling #and then it says end. thank you for watching. this took fourty two years to make oopsie whoops #god i go on long rants when its late. anywho compare to last time i made a possible ending #cammy reluctantly leaving as they both start to fall in love with each other #cammy willingly running away knowing harvey will heal from this and move on and be normal #this one here theres no leaving. there is no normal. its just living dude #grow as we go #sketches #harvey #camellia

[1ouis]

.

#jeri venting #cw abuse mention #cw personal #today was so cheery and happy. every time there's a little happy period the day ends severely toxic for some reason #i just... I made an accident today and my roomate mentaly snapped. again. now i'm being treated like a subhuman slave #there's nowhere safe to cry. they want to degrade me & rant before letting me leave then they get offended when i look overwhelmed. #and they're threatening to hurt themselves while forcing me to go out and do chores and idk if they're bluffing #all because i spilled something. it was so happy for a bit and they've been genuinely apologizing so much for how they've been treating me #but they're too mentally fragile for me to trust that they won't emotionally and verbally abuse me again at the drop of a hat #i feel stuck and i don't know what to do. I'm trying to accommodate them but they keep twisting my words into something offensive somehow 😭 #i just want to feel safe loved and stable for once... how do i get there from here without making things worse #cw negative #to delete later #most likely

[themme--fatale]

.

#ohhhh puppy training would be going so much better if i didn't live with my mom #every day she complains to me that ouppy wont settle in his crate and keeps crying #and every night she drags me out of bed/stops me getting ready for bed to take him for a little walk #god forbid she does it herself. she has Important Things to do in the morning #never mind that his crate is in her room so she can't sleep until he's back anyway #and shes like 'why doesnt he settle its so annoying are you sure he doesnt have to pee what if he has secret baby trauma abt crates' #and i say no. none of the above. he keeps crying in his crate bc you consistently reward it. #he keeps crying bc things like attention and walks and treats are Very Rewarding and you have taught him that he gets these things by crying #why the fuck would he stop it literally always works out for him??? #but ofc if i say any of this I'm simply not taking into account that this is difficult for her #because she has Important Things to do in the morning and she's Very Tired #and I'm exaggerating a bit here bc I'm angy and she does do way more shit than me and it IS fucking annoying #but I'm so completely out of sympathy bc she brought this on herself. our trainer told her how to make this stop and she is choosing not to

[aftermathing]

I'm like. actively being abused at home. What do I even do about that.

#:// #Today she said I am disgusting and unapproachable and will never have friends or find love because I make everyone I meet uncomfortable #Because I don't shave my legs #When I told her I keep blacking out from my chronic pain she said 'that's a little dramatic' #When I told her I should probably go to the hospital for that she shushed me because she was trying to watch her fuckin. Fringe show #Always with the shushing. Every time I speak :(( #She said I should go out & do something and quit being so lazy. So i said I would ride my bike but the tire is flat #She said 'why are you so useless' :(( #When I was projectile vomiting for three days I told her I had a 104°F temperature and she said 'darn' #I asked if she wanted to watch Ponyo with me and she said 'oh my god I don't want to watch your stupid crap shit' #When I dropped a cup of gatorade and mopped it up (agony for chronic pain btw) she felt where it was still sticky and said #I'm so stupid and it's my fault we have ants (we do not have ants) #So I said 'yeah mommy I think my fine motor skills are getting worse I can't hold things or swallow very well' #She said 'have you tried paying attention??' :(((( #I told her I had a sunburn and it hurt and she said 'youre so needy' #I got beat up in middle school and I was crying about it and she said it was all my fault because I was annoying #I was also sexually assaulted that same week but after the way she responded to that I was not going to tell her #One time when we were at the doctor and checked yes for suicidal thoughts she started screaming and crying #About how much we hate her and think she is a bad mother and how ungrateful we are #If I read this list to her she would say I was making it up and trying to make her look like a bad evil person #Because she is!!! She insults and belittles me so much I genuinely wish she would just beat my ass instead #I'm 20 years old why are you talking to me this way #I know it's all verbal abuse but. I'm so fucking miserable I want to die living here #Oh wait one time she strangled my little sibling because they complained about finding blood in their can of tuna

[lunariarts]

reminiscing on my visit to the provincial art gallery and wow art really is what it's all about huh.

one of the most famous nova scotian artists, maud lewis, lived her entire life inside a house so small it fit within her permanent exhibit at the gallery. it didnt have running water or electricity because she couldnt afford it, but it was covered head to toe in art. every inch of the walls was painted. flowers and trees and birds. all she did was paint.

she couldnt afford canvas or expensive materials so she painted her walls and spoons and whatever flat rocks she would find outside with the cheapest paints available. exterior house paints that had been left on the curb, wood stain for decks, cheap childrens acrylics when she had the extra money. she sold art to visitors for pocket change so she could keep painting.

i almost cried standing there in front of her house, looking at her paintings, reading about her. trying to, despite everything, put more colour and beauty into the world. that's the whole point.

#sorry for the longer rambly post ive just been thinking about maud lewis and her art for so long #also also sorry for how rambly and long these tags are gonna be if youre reading them lmao #i use the word art pretty liberally #i think art and politics are incredibly inate parts of being human in a general sense #as there isnt anything we do that cant be considered artistic or political #idk im like kinda cryin now! #ive been so stressed out for so long just stuck in the weeds of it #and thinking maud lewis and how much art matters just let me cry for a bit and let it roll off my back a little #it'll be okay so long as i can keep making things even if theyre only for me #so long as i can look out my window at the sunset and marvel at how the sky becomes such a pretty painting for us every night #bwah #sorry if im being too dumb and pretentious lol

[gophergal]

Am I... Emotionally repressed??

#gopher rambles #like ive spent my whole life seeing other people get super emotional about things at the drop of the hat and every time i go #'oh they're a little sensitive' not in a judgey way. just in a keeping tabs on other people's needs way. and to better predict #their future behavior. y'know. as you do #but recently ive been realizing that maybe. maybe they're not sensitive. i might just be kinda. emotionally dead #like i get emotional sometimes. but its very subdued. it takes a lot to make me cry. or laugh uncontrollably #or smile. the more i say this the more I'm realizing this sounds awful. #um. anyway. maybe im the problem. haha