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catindabag · 11 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (23)

*How The Grandma’am and Strabo Plinth ended up scheming together* Read [this] & [this] first.

Tigris: *still busy dancing like crazy* Thank Panem for the SnowPlinth Fan Club! I can finally quit my stupid dead end job!

Grandma’am: Tigris! My dear, stop swinging your arms! What if our neighbors see you?!

Tigris: You don’t get it, Grandma’am! I’m so happy for Coryo and the money- I mean, their marriage!

Grandma’am: Yes, I concur. We are so happy for Coryo and Strabo’s boy.

Tigris: And their money- I mean, marriage!

Grandma’am: Of course, as expected, only a Snow is capable of marrying the richest unmarried boy in the Capitol.

Tigris: Does that mean I can finally quit my job?🥺

Grandma’am: Maybe.

Tigris: But I really want to start my own-

Grandma’am: Only after Coryo’s graduation.

Tigris: Why?

Grandma’am: It’s still too risky if we rush these things, especially a wedding between a Snow and a Plinth.

Tigris: Oh, ok. So what should we do now? Wait after the games are done?

Grandma’am: It does not matter. The only essential thing for our family’s survival is for Coryo to secure his position as Plinth’s spouse.

Tigris: I think we don’t have to worry about that! Coryo’s got it covered!

Grandma’am: Yes. You are right, my dear. No one can resist a Snow. And someday their union will change Panem for the better! When Coryo becomes the President-

Tigris: I think Coryo will most likely become the ✨First Lady of Panem✨, don’t you think?

Grandma’am: *sighs* You may be right on this one, my dear. But it doesn’t matter! President or First Lady! Power is power!

Tigris: Yeah! Snow lands on top!

Grandma’am: Unfortunately, as I’ve heard from the Creeds, not in the bedroom.

Tigris: Well, I need to start designing Coryo’s wedding dress-

*suddenly, the phone rings*

Grandma’am: Tigris, go get the phone for me, my dear.

Tigris: *sighs* Fine. I just hope it’s not one of those nasty loan sharks.😞

Strabo: *on the phone* Hello? Is this the Snow residence? I need to talk to the head of the family.

Tigris: Who is this?

Grandma’am: *immediately takes the phone out of Tigris’ hand* Who are you and what do you want from us?!

Strabo: This is Strabo Plinth, founder of the Plinth Munition Empire. Is this Coriolanus Snow’s grandmother?

Grandma’am: Yes. This is the Snow Matriarch speaking.

Strabo: Have you seen the public announcement? Our children are engaged!

Grandma’am: Of course, I have seen and heard of it. My grandson told me himself!

Tigris: *whispers* No, he didn’t-

Grandma’am: And as the head of the family, you do not have to worry. I shall give my blessing and approval to your one and only son when Coryo introduces him to me.

Strabo: Ah, that’s wonderful! I already gave my blessing to your grandson!

Grandma’am: Perfect! Our families will soon become one.😈

Strabo: Yes. We shall become one.😈

Grandma’am: And as a Snow, I assure you that your son, Sejanus will have doors open for him when he joins the political scene.😌

Strabo: Oh, that’s good to hear. I was quite surprised that it only took young Coriolanus one moment to convince my fool of a son to want something greater!

Grandma’am: That’s a Snow for you.

Strabo: My wife and I can’t even believe that our son’s new goal in life is to become President of Panem!

Grandma’am: Of course! I shall fully support him.

Strabo: And I know that your grandson will do well to help him-

Grandma’am: Stop with the niceties, Mr. Plinth. Aren’t you the one who desires to rule all of Panem?

Strabo: Well-

Grandma’am: Even if it’s through your son and my grandson? Isn’t that the very reason why you called me?😈

Strabo: *leans closer to his phone* How did you know?! I thought I was the only one who sees the bigger picture of our families’ union?

Grandma’am: Easy. We Snows have our prestigious family name, and you Plinths have your vast wealth and assets.

Strabo: And if our families become one, then we both reap the benefits.😈

Grandma’am: Exactly!

Strabo: My Lady, we really are on the same page!

Grandma’am: Oh, don’t flatter me, Plinth. People may think I’m crazy, but I can still play the political long game.

Strabo: I have no doubts about your abilities, Lady Snow.

Grandma’am: And I have no doubt about yours.

Strabo: And with this “political marriage” that we successfully concocted, no one will be able to stop our rise to power!

Grandma’am: I assure you, Plinth, not even the Ravinstills and those nasty Cardews will see this coming!

Strabo: It will only be a matter of time before we rule all of Panem!

Grandma’am: Oh, yes. Your son and my grandson may work at the front, but we both know who’s really in control.😈

Strabo: Oh, I can’t wait to assassinate people. *evil laughs*

Grandma’am: And I can’t wait to poison them with my pretty roses. *evil laughs*

Tigris: So should I start cooking dinner then?😀

47 notes · View notes

catindabag · 11 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (30)

*When Dean Highbottom revealed all the Mentors’ infamous list of crimes to everyone at The Academy*

Casca: Thank you, my dear students, for coming to our annual school meeting in Heavensbee Hall. May this year start with good-

Festus: *raises hand* Sir! Dean Highbottom Sir, will there be free food after?!

Casca: Put your hand down, Mr. Creed. And do shut up while I’m spea-

Festus: But I’m hungry~.🥺

Iphigenia: Me too!

Androcles: Can we have pizza? I really want to eat a slice of pizza right now.

Coryo: Is pie even on the menu?

Pup: Does anyone want soup?

Sejanus: I brought bread pudding.

Felix: Can we have takeouts?

Casca: Wait a damn minute! Creed, why are you and your classmates here?! Didn’t I personally banned your class from attending forever?!

Coryo: *stands up* But sir, this is The Academy’s annual meeting. Our class must be allowed to-

Casca: Sit the f*ck down and shut your mouth, Crassus Snow!😡🔪

Coryo: But-

Casca: Not another word, Xanthos!

Festus: Can we ask why?

Casca: Why?! Do you even remember what your class did last year?!

Felix: Sir, I swear it wasn’t us!

Androcles: I wasn’t even there when that incident blew up!

Casca: Don’t you dare lie to me, boy! You were even one of the masterminds-

Livia: Oh, move on, Highbottom!🙄💅

Coryo: Yeah! The water wasn’t even that deep-

Casca: Your freaking accursed class flooded the entire Heavensbee Hall with glitter!

Hilarius: Well, no one got hurt.

Festus: And everyone enjoyed-

Casca: Do you know how much money The Academy had to pay the freaking Department of Education to fix your mess?! To fix our screen?! To get rid of the hot pink glitter?!

Coryo: The glitter was Livia’s idea-

Casca: I had to take another freaking big ass loan from Mama Cardew!😩

Livia: And because of that, my allowance tripled!🥳

Felix: It wasn’t that bad-

Casca: I should’ve just expelled all of you! Especially you, Creed!!

Festus: But you didn’t!😂

Casca: Do you even know how many crimes I had to cover up for your class?!

Androcles: What crimes are we speaking of? Outside or just inside the school?

Felix: I ain’t no criminal! I’m innocent!

Casca: Just let me grab my list. . . Oh, here it is! *reveals a big ass book instead*

Livia: is that your very own Burn Book?

Casca: Mic check, mic check-

Coryo: Well, Andie, good luck. I just hope they didn’t tell Highbottom about the missing Pitbull Rabbit Incident.

Androcles: You know what, I hope they did.😌

Lysistrata: Impressive, really.

Casca: Let’s start small. The first petty crime your class committed was the stealing and eating of the Dean’s favorite apple pie without remorse.

Coryo: That was one time.

Lysistrata: Twelve times, Coryo.

Casca: Another was when a certain someone deliberately locked me up inside the broom closet. Also, without remorse.

Florus: What? I didn’t want to receive a demerit. And I really needed to steal that bleach from the Dean.

Casca: The third was when a certain rich girl illegally customized and dyed our prestigious school uniform sunshine yellow without my consent.

Juno: Excuse me? Yellow was the color of that season, peasant.💅

Casca: There was also that time when someone stole my Bichon puppy and dyed its fluffy fur lime green.

Io: I swear it was in the name of science.

Casca: *keeps on reading* Stealing and hacking my personal computer to change his or her math and literature grade.

Apollo: To be fair, Andie just helped us do the stealing.

Iphigenia: So who did the hacking?

Diana: Coryo Snow.

Coryo: 50 bucks is 50 bucks.

Sejanus: And you guys didn’t even think to invite me?!

Casca: Quiet! Now where was I-

Clemensia: Page 4, paragraph 5, line 7, Sir.

Casca: Oh, yes. Calling and pestering the National Security, just because his calculator was stolen.

Urban: It was a serious national crisis! We had a calculus test that day!

Androcles: And I needed that calculator more than Urban.

Casca: The smuggling of illegal drugs to school, and passing them off as ✨Miracle Pills✨.

Lysistrata: Last I checked, my parents are certified doctors. But for legal reasons, it wasn’t me, officer.

Casca: Dumpster-diving for scraps before class, and lying to Peacekeepers that it was a legitimate after-school activity.

Festus: Collecting free food coupons inside Highbottom’s dumpster is not a crime!

Casca: Skipping school for the hundredth time to attend an underground fancy-dress rave.

Arachne: What? Domitia and Vipsania were also doing it.

Casca: Emptying the school’s food pantry to feed their Tributes.

Coryo: Oh, c’mon! I wasn’t the only one! The Ring twins and the others were doing it too!

Casca: Stealing the Dean’s morphling bottles and illegally reselling them at the Capitol Black Market.

Androcles: Honestly, I needed the extra cash.

Felix: Why? Your family’s rich.

Androcles: My mama froze my allowance after I stole my uncle’s credit card to buy “prohibited” fireworks for the New Year.

Casca: The Smuggling and trading of banned films and items at school for personal profit.

Dennis: It was a really good and profitable business!

Casca: Vandalizing the school’s Hall of Fame by spray painting their family crest on every corner of the hallway.

Hilarius: And it was worth it.

Casca: Poisoning and almost killing half of the school by bringing their infamous deadly apple pies to our ✨End of The Year Class Party✨.

Palmyra: Well, I just hope that this juvenile criminal was caught and sentenced to prison.😌💅

Casca: Annually scaring the freshmen by dressing up as a bloody serial killer cannibal ghost every October.

Persephone: It was pretty funny though.

Casca: Lying to the School Board Committee that I was a certain someone’s sugar daddy who willingly pays for his sugar baby’s education.

Livia: You weren’t?! I mean, you and Coriolanus Snow were so-

Coryo: What the actual f*ck, Livia!

Sejanus: Coryo’s mine!!😡🔪

Casca: Secretly depleting and embezzling the class fund without their classmates’ consent.

Iphigenia: Oh, that’s so horrible! Who would ever do such a horrid thing?

Everyone:. . .

Iphigenia: But for legal reasons, I hope they’ll be caught soon.

Casca: Hacking the school’s sound system to automatically play ✨Gem of Panem✨ whenever I enter and exit a room.

Diana: It was funny!

Casca: Bringing a whole ass dairy cow to their Class Show & Tell, just to milk it in front of the judges.

Domitia: I was thirsty!😩

Casca: Stealing a Jabberjay from Dr. Gaul’s lab and teaching it to say “Your school sucks! Go home, Losers!” to guest students and professors.

Vipsania: To be fair, my aunt (Professor Sickle) gave me her permission.

Casca: Forging his father’s very important signature in order to skip school and attend an underground rap competition.

Pup: The prize money was really worth it, Sir!

Casca: Smuggling illegal sexy magazines and secretly placing them inside my office.

Gaius: To be fair, it was a dare.

Casca: Using his granduncle’s influential family name and position to delay the Hunger Games for the hundredth time.

Felix: Can’t we just officially postpone it forever? No one really wants to watch it anyway.

Casca: Lying to Capitol News that I was unfairly treating and harassing a certain student for being poor.

Clemensia: I wasn’t lying! You were literally emotionally abusing poor Coryo!😠

Casca: How dare you place yourself between me and my Crassus! You have no right to slander me and my boyfriend like that!

Clemensia: *sighs* I should’ve added “delusional” as well.😞

Casca: Now, where was I? Oh, yes! Stealing my boyfriend (Crassus) and claiming that their so called “Snowjanus” ship is better than #Crasca4Ever!

Sejanus: Becuase it is the superior ship!

Casca: No, it’s not!😡🔪

46 notes · View notes

catindabag · 9 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (39)

Vipsania: I’m bored.

Urban: Me too.

Livia: I told you losers that we should go shoe shopping instead.

Felix: For the last time, Cardew, we can’t go out and do fun stuff while in detention.

Livia: Detention?! I’m in detention?! Since when-

Coryo: Since yesterday, dummy.

Festus: Liv, you do remember that we almost destroyed the school kitchen yesterday, right?

Livia: Nope. Never. I don’t know anything about that incident-

Coryo: You were literally the one who left the stove on fire while the rest of us were trying to stop Palmyra from cooking.

Livia: Oh, shut up, orphan! I wasn’t even talking to you.

Coryo: Well, whatever, banker. Your scary mama can’t save your sorry ass this time.

Livia: Ha! At least I have a mom to spoil me rotten, Snow.

Coryo: You think you’re better than me because of your stupid money?!

Livia: Of course I’m better-

Coryo: Your mom can’t even defeat my super gorgeous dad in a stupid pageant beauty contest back in their University days!

Lysistrata: Yeah! Crassus Snow even won it seven times in a row!

Livia: How did you even know that?!

Coryo: ‘Cuz I still have my dad’s pageant crowns and sashes!

Felix: And I have the pictures to prove them!

Lysistrata: My mom was a runner up.

Coryo: Oh, and my dad even won the women’s category-

Livia: Ugh! Fine! Your drop dead gorgeous father may have been the most beautiful creature in Panem-

Coryo: Of course he is!

Livia: But he still dated Drunk Dean Casca Highbottom and that scheming Strabo Plinth from District 2!

Sejanus: The ever gorgeous Crassus Xanthos Snow once dated my evil old man?!

Livia: Yup! My mama even told me that Crassus almost married into the Plinth family for money-

Coryo: Shut up, Cardew!

Livia: You started it!

Florus: *raises hand* Why don’t we just play a game instead!

Androcles: A game?

Palmyra: Sure! I wanna play a game.

Apollo: Me too!

Diana: Can we play battleships?

Everyone: No!

Diana: Why?🥺

Apollo: Sis, do you even remember that other infamous flooding incident that occurred last semester?

Diana: Is it that time where we had to call the ambulance because Gaius and Florus broke both of their legs from jumping ship?

Florus: Actual ships.

Gaius: With actual missiles.

Apollo: Yes, that.

Diana: Nope. I don’t remember.

Iphigenia: Can’t we just play the “Would You Rather” game?

Lysistrata: Ok. Yo, Coryo, would you rather marry Casca Highbottom for fame or marry Strabo Plinth for money?

Coryo: Easy. Strabo Plinth. No questions asked-

Sejanus: What about me, my love?!

Coryo: Sej, Babe, you were not even an option.

Sejanus: But you’re still going to marry me, right?🥺

Coryo: For the last time, Sejanus Plinth, you’re the only rich idiot that I’m willing to marry and have children with.

Sejanus: Oh, thank Panem! That’s good to hear, my love! So would you rather kiss me now or later?😘

Coryo: That’s not how you play this game, Babe!

Sejanus: But I want a kiss-

Coryo: Felix, I give the stage to you.

Felix: Ok. Dennis, would you rather date one of my wealthy but shady cousins or marry someone from the outer Districts?

Dennis: Which District?

Felix: 10?

Dennis: A strong wife from District 10 it is.

Juno: My turn! Hilarius, would you rather disown your creepy father and become homeless or give him Coryo and Felix in order to inherit the rest of the Heavensbee wealth?

Hilarius: What the heck, Juno! What kind of cruel options are those?!

Juno: Just answer my freaking question, Hilari!

Hilarius: Fine! The second one!

Coryo: What the heck, you traitor!

Felix: Seriously, Hilari?! You’re willing to sacrifice me and Coryo for money?!

Hilarius: Never! I would never ever do that to you, Class Pres!

Livia: Well, good luck being poor and homeless, Hilari.

Arachne: May the odds be forever in your favor, Heavensbee.

Domitia: My turn! Arachne, would you rather burn all of your inheritance for the “Sandwich Queen” title or watch Festus Creed become the official “Sandwich Queen of Panem” for the presidency?

Arachne: Well, if I do become the President of Panem, then I would have the power to get rid of Festus-

Festus: Hey!😠

Arachne: But burning my inheritance for the title is also doable.

Domitia: How?

Arachne: ‘Cuz I’ll just steal my older brother’s money.

Festus: Oh, this heartless witch-

Clemensia: My turn! Persephone, would you rather eat Palmyra’s infamous deadly apple pies for eternal fame or volunteer as a Tribute for the Hunger Games?

Persephone: The second option.

Clemensia: Really? You would rather become a Tribute just to avoid eating one deadly pie?

Persephone: Yeah, sure. Why not. I literally have better odds of winning and surviving the Hunger Games than eating one of Monty’s rebel-killer sweets.

Everyone: True.😞

Io: My turn! Urban, would you rather fail our calculus class in order to gain political power and influence or replace Dr. Gaul as the Head Game Maker for political power and influence?

Urban: Those options are actually difficult to answer, Jasper.

Io: Just take your pick!

Urban: Fine! I do love calculus more than anything in this world. So-

Io: Head Gamemaker Urban Canville it is?

Urban: Yeah.

Apollo: My turn! Andie, would you rather steal Dr. Gaul’s monster bunny for illegal money or marry into the very corrupt and chaotic Ravinstill family?

Androcles: Both.

Everyone: Really?!

Androcles: Yeah. Im willing to steal Dr. Gaul’s evil bunny and marry Ravinstill at the same time.

Felix: Which Ravinstill are we talking about?

Androcles: Oh, you tell me, Class Pres.😏

Diana: My turn! Sejanus, would you rather challenge Coryo’s evil grandmother to an epic drinking contest just to win Coryo’s hand in marriage or push Highbottom-

Sejanus: Push Highbottom!

Diana: I’m not even done yet!

Sejanus: No need to worry, Ring. I’m willing to push Highbottom for Coryo.😀

Diana: Let me finish-

Sejanus: No! Pushing Highbottom is the only right answer!

Casca: *walks in* Pushing who?

Coryo: No one, Sir. Sejanus is just shouting at the sky again.

Casca: Oh, ok.

Diana: Well, bye-

Casca: By the way, who told you to play the “Would You Rather” game without my consent, Crassus Snow?

Coryo: It’s Coriolan-

Casca: Crassus Xanthos Snow! My love, how dare you play these silly games without me?!😭🔪

Felix: *sighs* Dean Highbottom’s drunk again.

Sejanus: So can I push him now?😀

Coryo: Sure. Go ahead. I might even kiss you.

Sejanus: Can you kiss me now?

Coryo: No.

35 notes · View notes

catindabag · 10 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (37)

Dr.Gaul: Hippity Hoppity! Welcome back to my precious laboratory.☺️🔪

Coryo: *Raises hand* Dr.Gaul, do we really need to end everything with a rhyme? I mean-

Dr.Gaul: Shut up, orphan. I’m in my zone. So put your hand down before I shoot you with a drone.

Sejanus: *Raises hand* Dr.Gaul, can I-

Dr.Gaul: You’re allowed to skip my class, Mr. Plinth.

Sejanus: But-

Dr.Gaul: Do I really need to give you another hint?

Sejanus: No. I’ll shut up now.

Dr.Gaul: Good. And as for today’s lesson, we will be discussing the importance of mutts in our modern day society.

Clemensia: Nope. Not today! I’m going home. Bye! *runs out*

Juno: Clemmie, we haven’t even started!

Dr.Gaul: Now who could tell me why-

Livia: Dr.Gaul, why are all your mutts super ugly? Can’t you make them cuter?

Arachne: Yeah! I want a mutt that’s cuter and fluffier than the President’s Bichon Frisé puppies!

Dr.Gaul: Can you not interrupt me for one sec-

Felix: Can we even create a mutt that’s cuter than my granduncle’s puppies?

Coryo: I don’t know. I’m more of a cat person, and nothing’s cuter than Boa Bell the cat.

Apollo: How about we fuse Boa Bell with the President’s puppy!😀

Festus: A cat and a dog? What are we gonna call it?

Gaius: Bichon Bell? Boa Pup? That’s all I’ve got.

Coryo: How about a cute hamster fused with a cute chipmunk?

Felix: Chipster? Chipham?

Urban: Cheap ham? Are we talking about food already?

Palmyra: I have some cheap ham right here! *shows a rotten holiday ham instead* Want one?😀

Florus: Ew. No. Put that thing away from me, Monty.

Palmyra: It’s still delicious!

Everyone: We’re not that hungry, Monty.🤢

Palmyra: Really? How about you, Price?

Persephone: No offense, Palm Palm, but I would rather eat my poor daddy’s Maid Stew again before I eat that.

Palmyra: Just one bite?🥺

Everyone: No.

Dr.Gaul: As I was saying-

Florus: Ok. Here me out. A cute baby duck fused with a cute baby penguin.

Iphigenia: Oh, Panem! A penduck! That’s super cute! I want one already, Flory!

Io: Me too! I’m so gonna tell my parents about that!

Coryo: Honestly, a “penduck” might be the most adorable thing that I personally want to see.

Festus: A penduck burger ain’t so bad either.🤤

Felix: Festus, bro, you can’t just eat a cute penduck!

Festus: Huh? Why?

Felix: Because I’ll make it illegal!

Festus: But if it moves, it’s technically food!

Persephone: I concur!😋

Urban: I mean, Creed’s not wrong. We can even sell it to raise more money for our poor class fund.

Dennis: Nice one, Ban Ban! Now that’s a good business proposal!

Urban: You guys do know about our depleted class fund, right?

Felix: Our precious class fund? I haven’t really addressed that issue-

Iphigenia: And we will never ever address it! Ever!

Felix: But-

Iphigenia: So who’s next? Sejanus, you go!😊

Sejanus: Ok. My turn! How about an adorable baby weasel fused with an adorable baby capybara!

Androcles: Can it swim though?

Pup: I don’t care! I want a baby “capysel” in my house!

Dennis: How about a baby pony fused with a baby kangaroo?

Vipsania: Fling, that’s brilliant! Who doesn’t want a “pongaroo” to fight them!

Lysistrata: Fight them? Is that even legal?

Vipsania: It ain’t animal abuse if they abuse you back, Lizzie!

Felix: Well, don’t mind me. I’m just gonna write that down.

Domitia: How about a baby cow fused with a baby horse?

Diana: You seriously want a “corse” for a pet?

Domitia: What? I literally live in a ranch.

Coryo: You mean a big ass luxurious mansion that looks like a ranch.

Livia: My turn! A baby otter fused with a baby koala!

Apollo: Wow, Livia, you really want the science peeps to make a baby “Koatter” for you?

Livia: Sure. Why not. I can afford it, unlike that poor orphan sitting over there-

Coryo: FYI, Cardew, my boyfriend’s father (Strabo Plinth) is willing to give me a zoo filled with the cutest mutts as a wedding gift after graduation!

Lysistrata: Sejanus, is that true?

Sejanus: Anything for my Coryo!😘

Dr.Gaul: Why am I even here? Just to suffer?!😩🔪

37 notes · View notes

catindabag · 10 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (32)

Lepidus: Hello, Panem! Welcome back to our show, The Table Talk. I’m your host, Lepidus Malmsey for Capitol News-

Casca: Start the show already!

Lepidus: Fine! For this season’s ✨Stars of The Week✨, we have invited our beloved Mentors from The Academy to sit down and chat with us!

Mentors: Hello, everyone.😔

Festus: *Quickly stands up* Can I switch seats with Pup? Arachne is giving me a lot of “evil vibes” today.😬

Arachne: *Is still wearing a neck brace after the Sandwich Zoo Incident* Oh, don’t act so f*ckin’ innocent, Creed. You tried to kill me in front of my Tribute 2 days ago!

Festus: Kill you?! I literally saved you from being stabbed and choked to death by your Tribute, you ungrateful spider!

Arachne: Oh, yeah! You freaking shoved me first, garbage boy!

Festus: You punched my beautiful face and gave me a black eye, you spoiled witch!

Arachne: Pay my hospital bills first, you trash loser!

Festus: Pay mine, you monster!

Casca: At least smile and look happy while arguing!

Festus: I’m doing my best!

Lepidus: Can we go back to-

Casca: Dammit it, Creed! Sit the f*ck down!

Festus: Fine!

Arachne: Suck a di-

Felix: Alright! That’s enough! Let’s go back to you, Mr. Malmsey.

Lepidus: Finally! My first question is for anyone and everyone.

Felix: Ok. Let’s hear it.

Lepidus: So what were your first thoughts and reactions when you first found out that you got selected for the Mentorship Program?

Livia: Unsurprised as always.

Juno: As expected for a Phipps.

Florus: My parents almost smiled at me. Almost.

Felix: My granduncle created another useless national holiday to celebrate my success.

Coryo: My cousin baked me a cake made out of cabbages.

Sejanus: My father threw money at me like confetti.

Festus: To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of the program. I just got in, and here we are.

Androcles: Just like we planned!

Lepidus: What do you mean by that?

Pup: What do you mean by what?

Lepidus: Weren’t you all selected because you guys are simply the best and the brightest of your year?

Hilarius: Fairly selected?!

Livia: I’m so sorry but I never heard of her before.

Domitia: The Best and the brightest?! Who told you that lie?

Persephone: You’re joking right?! I mean, just look at us!

Festus: Me?! The Academy’s village idiot?!🤣

Florus: Half of my grades are sh*t!

Pup: Sleeping and skipping classes are my best subjects!

Palmyra: Who told you I was smart?

Apollo: I’m not even the best at finger painting class.

Dennis: Do people honestly believe that BS?

Androcles: Now that’s funny!

Lysistrata: I have at least 15 demerits to my name, you know.

Coryo: Physical Education hates me! And delusional Dean Highbottom hates me!

Sejanus: Dr. Gaul personally banned me from attending her class. And my grades are also sh*t.

Gaius: Don’t look at me. I’m just the class clown, bro.

Diana: And honestly, Clemensia’s the only student who deserves to be here fair and square. But as for the rest, let’s just say, we used other means.😈

Lepidus: What other means?!

Felix: Mr. Malmsey, not to be rude, but I have to know, who told these lies to you?

Lepidus: Your Dean told me-

Casca: I swear it wasn’t me!

Lepidus: Right. So just for the record, you’re all confessing, just now, on LIVE TV, and in front of me, that not one of you is a top performing student at The Academy?!

Felix: Unfortunately, yes.

Festus: Never was and never will be.

Lepidus: So you all have demerits?

Festus: My demerit count is 92 and counting!😀

Lysistrata: Shut it, Creed! You’re not suppose to say that on TV.

Felix: Yeah! What will the rest of Panem think of us now?!

Festus: Panem is thinking about us?

Coryo: Since when?

Lepidus: But seriously, how the heck did all of you become our official mentors then?

Felix: Ravinstill Nepotism!

Androcles: My mama blackmailed my way into that list, sweetheart!

Coryo: Easy. I just pretended to be Dean Highbottom’s dead boyfriend and persuaded him to add me on that list while he was drunk.

Casca: Crassus, my love, why did you betray me again?! I was super drunk!😭

Sejanus: Just ask my father. His money don’t jiggle jiggle. It folds.

Lysistrata: I just gave our Dean a free but fake morphling prescription.

Casca: That was fake?!

Livia: My mama threatened Highbottom with a fake tax evasion allegation.

Juno: I’m literally ✨Old Money Capitol Royalty✨.

Palmyra: Food poisoning.

Lepidus: Can you elaborate on that?

Palmyra: No.

Florus: Simple. The Ring twins and I just asked Urban and Io to hack the Dean’s personal computer and change the final list of Mentors before the day of the announcement.

Io: It was dangerous.

Diana: But it was worth it.

Urban: True. And to be fair, I was already on that list.

Apollo: Whatever you say, Math Freak.

Pup: My father just used his military connections while I was busy sleeping.

Persephone: My papa threatened to eat the Dean.

Dennis: I just convinced one of my professors to let me in.

Lepidus: How?!

Dennis: Do you want to receive a horse head before going to bed?

Lepidus: No.

Gaius: I just told another “your mama” jokes to one of the School Board Officials.

Lepidus: That’s it?

Gaius: Yeah. What more can you ask?

Domitia: My papa gave Dr. Gaul 200 chickens and 20 dairy cows.

Arachne: My mama promised the Dean and the whole faculty members a free vacation getaway this summer.

Iphigenia: I kid you not, my crazy papa threatened to destroy the food industry if I didn’t get in.

Vipsania: Clearly, I just got in because my aunt (Professor Sickle) threatened to throw the Dean out of a window if I wasn’t on the list.

Festus: Honestly, I just strolled into Heavensbee Hall, crashed the ceremony uninvited, sat down on one of those fancy “Mentors only” seats, and everybody just accepted it.

Lepidus: So you just illegally got in through sheer dumb luck?

Festus: Well, the odds are always in my favor, Leppy.

Clemensia: *sighs* So it’s true. I’m the only student who got in by literally doing my best.

Coryo: Yup. That’s right, Clemmie!

Clemensia: Why am I even here? Just to suffer?!😩

Sejanus: How about you, Heavensbee?

Hilarius: I just blackmailed my creepy father to let me in, or else I’ll stop giving him some of my cute and candid photos of Coryo and Felix.

Coryo: What the f*ck, Hilari!

Felix: How the heck did you take my photos without me knowing?!

Coryo: And why give them to your creepy old man?!

Hilarius: None of your business.

Coryo: Hilari, I swear I will literally file a restraining order against your whole family if you keep giving away my cute photos like candy.

Felix: My granduncle will hear about this!😡🔪

Hilarius: Why are you being mean to me?! It’s not my fault you two were born gorgeous!😭

Sejanus: Can I see those cute photos of Coryo?🥺

Lysistrata: Can I sell those photos?

Casca: Can I have one?

Lepidus: What is wrong with all of you?!

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catindabag · 10 months

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Ok. Hear me out. I think Daylight by David Kushner is one of the most fitting and perfect theme song for our anxiety-driven depressed AF Coryo Snow, before ultimately succumbing and losing himself to insanity. I mean, just the first verse alone reflects his feelings of guilt, shame, and regret after what happened between him and Sejanus.

Moreover, Daylight just perfectly captures one of those TBOSAS running themes of how traumatic experiences (like war, poverty, hunger, violence, etc.) could shape a flawed person’s mental state, beliefs, and line of thought. Just saying~.😗

PS: This song is also flexible for both ✨SnowBaird✨ and ✨Snowjanus/SnowPlinth✨ shippers. So you can choose your poison freely. Enjoy~.😘

youtube

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catindabag · 10 months

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I finally took the time to re-edit my TBOSAS on Crack short take (33) again. Now both the Mentors and Tributes are complete! Enjoy~.

PS: Androcles Anderson and Sheaf’s intro-interview is my personal favorite.

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catindabag · 11 months

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TBOSAS on Crack! ✨essential information✨

⭐️❄️⭐️

FIRST off, in honor of the book and its movie release, TBOSAS on Crack is solely (just) created as a JOKE!Alternative Universe that focuses more on the 24 OG Mentors of the 10th Hunger Games. This includes the funny/romantic misunderstandings of Coriolanus Snow and Sejanus Plinth that gave everyone the impression that they were actually “secretly” dating, and are indeed boyfriends (until they honestly were).

In addition, this Crack!AU will tell you the compelling story of how a bunch of delinquents “accidentally” stopped the Hunger Games from continuing, just because of a certain Mentor’s ✨nepotism✨.

MORE or less, most of the characters in the book are the same when it comes to their personalities and backstories. Well, except for our Mentors. They’re a bunch of crackhead Capitol kids with too much fun and stress on their hands. They even almost made Dean Highbottom and Dr. Gaul quit their respective jobs.

ALSO, these young walking disasters are not “all there” in the head. Heck! Half of them went crazy years ago because of the infamous 2 year Capitol Siege by the rebels that almost starved them all to death. Just ask Coryo Snow and Persephone. But as for the other half, let’s just say that all they want to do is eat, drink, party, and ✨graduate✨.

Here is a quick character info: [Read Me]

Here are their visuals: [Read Me]

Here’s the Hunger Games Origin: [Read Me]

Here’s their playlist: [Read Me]

Here are their ✨Code Names✨: [Read Me]

And here’s Dean Highbottom’s take: [Read Me]

Here’s that Epic The Musical Post: [Read Me]

Here’s the fate of District 13: [Read Me]

PS: For sanity’s sake, no Mentor or Tribute will be dying in this Crack!AU. No one gets killed! Bombs will still explode inside the Capitol Arena, but our crazy kids will wear the thickest plot armor EVER, just because I’m their only sponsor!🤣

Read the Cracks here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78,

The cracks are not in chronological order, but someday they will. . .

MOREOVER, this Crack!AU includes the following:

The accidental birth of ✨Snowjanus✨!😘

Also known as Corjanus, SnowPlinth, CabbageBread, The Grandma’am golden ticket to a rich life, and Strabo’s not so secret plan to rule all of Panem through his only son’s marriage to Crassus Snow’s boy.

Coryo Snow malfunctioning for the hundredth time because of how forward and shamelessly romantic Sejanus Plinth is.

“Fine! I’ll marry into money! I’m sick of eating cabbages anyway!”

“Stop throwing bread to the dead, Sejanus Plinth! Throw it to the living!”

The Mentors (intentionally) delaying the Hunger Games from officially starting because of their nonstop shenanigans with their Tributes (much to Dr. Gaul and her Gamemaker’s frustration).🤣

The Tributes slowly accepting (and sometimes rejecting) the fact that their Mentors are just a bunch of “dramatic nepotistic crazy clowns” who refuse to learn basic social cues.

The 10th Hunger Games being officially postponed (over and over again) because of Felix Ravinstill’s ✨nepotism✨ working overtime.😌💅

In truth, the Gamemakers were “forced” to stop the countdown (over and over again) because half of the Mentors illegally barged into the control room without Dr. Gaul’s permission. Afterwards, Felix just used the excuse of “My granduncle is the President of Panem, I can do whatever I want” card to postpone the games.

Lucy Gray ignoring the personal space of her fellow annoyed Tributes (and everyone she meets), just because she’s “Covey” and quirky.

The poor underpaid Capitol Peacekeepers wanting a salary increase, vacation, and promotion because they have been dealing with the Mentors’ extra curricular criminal activities for far too long.

All the Mentors (excluding Livia and Arachne) being genuine ✨Besties✨ to each other since their grade school days.

Livia Cardew only calls her classmates either witches or idiots.

Festus Creed being the real ✨Dumpster Diving Capitol Rat King✨ and the best free cheesecake coupon hoarder of the century.

“Dumpster Diving for free food coupons is a common school activity, officer!”

The Academy? More like ✨The Academy of Arts✨💅.

Everyone wanting to secretly major in ✨Theatre & Drama✨.

Crazy but rich AF Sejanus Plinth and his unhealthy obsession of being Coryo Snow’s beloved boyfriend, fiancé, sugar daddy, baby daddy, and future husband.

Ma Plinth slowly becoming the food benefactor of the Mentors. #feedmeMa

Coriolanus Snow and Lucy Gray being the best of friends who love to sh*t talk about their boyfriends every time they meet.

Seriously, Coryo and Lucy Gray are just friends here. Everyone knows that crazy Sejanus Plinth will strangle anyone who tries to flirt with his gorgeous Snow Bae sugar baby fiancé.

Lucy Gray genuinely liking the Mentors for their chaotic ✨dramatic✨ personalities.

Sejanus Plinth shamelessly calling his darling Coryo “Babe, My love, Snow Angel, Snow Bae, Snowy, Snow Baby, Sweetheart” in front of everyone and their dogs.

The Mentors randomly coming up to Lucy Gray and asking her to sing banned songs from the early 2000s.

Strabo Plinth’s unhealthy obsession with the Snow family. Apparently, he and the ever gorgeous Crassus Snow were very close “friends” and the best “roommates” back in their military days. They were busy “stargazing” and playing with their rifles all night if you know what I mean.😏

The Grandma’am and Strabo Plinth being the true evil geniuses of the Capitol.😈

Strabo Plinth insisting Coryo to marry into his family and change their surnames to ✨The Great Plinth-Snow Dynasty✨, just because it sounds more powerful.

Coryo Snow accidentally convincing his beloved sugar daddy boyfriend (Crazy Sejanus Plinth) to become the future ✨President of Panem✨ (after Felix).

Tigris and The Grandma’am selling Coryo’s hand in marriage to the Plinth family. They genuinely believe that old man Strabo Plinth will lower the food prices if Sejanus marries Coryo for the sake of Panem.

Tigris Snow finally quitting her job (she got fired for being a weird cheese addict) and happy dancing for a whole week when she heard that her sweet little Coryo will marry into the Plinth family fortune.

Tigris, the Grandma’am, and Ma Plinth planning the ultimate ✨Snowjanus Royal Wedding of The Century✨.

The Grandma’am and evil Strabo Plinth scheming together to rule Panem and its people through ✨The Great SnowPlinth Union✨.

Ma Plinth wanting at least 5 beautiful grandchildren out of The Great SnowPlinth Union, while Strabo and the Grandma’am demanded 2 dozen (and more). #24&More

Lysistrata Vickers being the founder and President of the Capitol’s SnowPlinth/Snowjanus Official Fan Club.

Lucy Gray supporting and promising Coryo Snow that she and her Covey will sing the best banned love songs at his wedding.

Reaper Ash being labeled as the “weird one” by his fellow crazy Tributes.

Treech and Vipsania Sickle being the best gym bros for some unknown reason.

Marcus trying (and failing) to ignore the annoying existence of Sejanus Plinth.

Lysistrata Vickers having dibs as Coryo’s official ✨Maid of Honor✨. Apparently, poor cheese addict Tigris Snow was tragically outvoted by the very influential and powerful SnowPlinth/Snowjanus Fan Club members out of jealousy.🥲

Festus Creed and Tigris Snow fighting for the position of ✨Best Man✨ through an epic ✨Dance-off Battle✨💃🕺.

Apollo Ring being forced to be Coryo’s ring bearer because of his surname. Honestly, Gaius Breen and Androcles Anderson just peer pressured him for fun.

Livia Cardew planning to crash Coryo’s wedding for the expensive wine.

The Mentors and Tributes avoiding the “Arena Bomb Explosion Incident” because of Palmyra Monty’s dangerous existence.

Androcles Anderson being a proud professional kleptomaniac.

Lucky Flickerman wanting to quit his job. Apparently, the self proclaimed magic man was extremely unprepared to face and deal with the Mentors’ collective stupidity.😭

The Gamemakers forgetting to edit out Sejanus Plinth’s little arena stunt.

“Marcus was just sleeping, Sejanus! He’s still alive, you idiot Plinth! We freaking postponed the games!”

“For the last time! Don’t kiss Coriolanus Xanthos Snow on LIVE TV! There are freaking kids and dogs watching!”

Coryo and Sejanus shamelessly kissing, hugging, and being dramatic AF inside the Capitol Arena, while poor Marcus and the others are left sitting on the stands annoyed and confused AF.

Dean Casca Highbottom intentionally calling poor Coryo “Crassus Xanthos Snow” out of spite and out of regret (and because he’s still madly and deeply in love with the ever gorgeous Crassus Snow).

Drunk Highbottom living and swimming in denial since the infamous ✨#Crasca4Ever! University Breakup✨.😔

Coryo Snow successfully convincing a drunk Highbottom not to expel him by pretending to be Crassus Snow. He later regrets doing it.

Drunk!Casca not being able to correctly pronounce half all of his students’ names.

Festus Creed and Androcles Anderson receiving a lot of demerits and expulsion letters from the Dean. However, they still go to school and join their class discussions like nothing happened.

Casca Highbottom banning the Mentors from attending ✨The Academy’s Annual Students Teachers Meeting✨ (forever) because of the infamous Heavensbee Hall Flooding Incident.

Coryo Snow secretly trading his cabbages for banned music albums at the Capitol Black Market.

The banned song “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” accidentally playing on repeat inside the Capitol Arena because Felix Ravinstill forgot to detach his phone from Dr. Gaul’s master speaker.

“Snow On The Beach” stealing the top spot on the Capitol Billboard Hot 100 because of Coryo Snow and Lucy Gray’s final performance inside the Capitol Arena.

The Mentors trolling Lucky Flickerman and Lepidus Malmsey for the hundredth time.

Hilarius Heavensbee secretly collects movie records from the early 2000s. His favorite banned film is ✨Legally Blonde✨.

Io Jasper and Urban Canville being a bunch of shameless nerds who can’t properly communicate with each other.

Professor Sickle trying to convince Drunk!Casca Highbottom to give her a raise and promotion for tolerating the Mentors’ shenanigans and stupidity.

Crazy Palmyra Monty forever mentally and emotionally scarring her classmates (especially Florus Friend) with her homemade poisonous snacks.

Florus Friend fearing and avoiding Palmyra Monty’s accursed deadly bread rolls and expired sandwiches.

Felix Ravinstill being a genuine good friend and great Class President to everyone.

Dennis Fling asking poor sensitive Felix to beg for some illegal ✨Miracle Pills✨ from Lysistrata to cure Hy and Dill’s respiratory related illnesses.

Everyone knows that Persephone Price willingly ate that infamous “Maid Stew” that her father made for them to survive.

Festus Creed’s ✨PerseFest✨ agenda.

Dairy Heiress Domitia Whimsiwick fawning over Tanner’s skills and biceps.

Coral perfecting her somersault to impress the Capitol crowd and her idiot Mentor.

The Mentors pretending to be stupid whenever they attend Dr. Gaul’s class.

Dr. Gaul giving up on grooming poor Coryo Snow to become her successor because she realized that his brain doesn’t work properly whenever he’s with Sejanus.

Poor homeless Hilarius Heavensbee getting disowned and kicked out of the ✨Queen Bee Mansion✨ by his evil weirdo parents for being a loser nuisance towards his smarter and perfect younger brother.

Livia and Arachne convincing themselves that Casca Highbottom is actually Coryo Snow’s true sugar daddy.

Meanwhile, Florus Friend thinks Strabo Plinth is the real sugar daddy of poor Coryo Snow and homeless Hilarius Heavensbee.

Dr. Gaul openly wanting to strangle the Mentors for acting being stupid.

Urban Canville’s secret mission to strangle Lucky Flickerman and his annoying bird.

Felix Ravinstill being the favorite darling grandnephew son of President Gran Gran.

Festus winning the position of ✨Class Representative✨. Apparently, Creed only won because Sejanus “accidentally” locked Urban Canville inside a bathroom stall.

Persephone Price and Mizzen being the best pizza partners in crime. Somebody, these two idiots will rule all of Panem with their ruthless ✨Pizza Palace Empire✨.

Drunk!Coryo genuinely believes that Felix Ravinstill is the current President of Panem.

Drunk!Sejanus, Drunk!Coryo, Drunk!Festus, and Drunk!Lysistrata acting like shameless fools in front of their Tributes. The poor and underpaid Peacekeepers were not amused.

Festus Creed and Sejanus Plinth stripping on broad daylight because of the summer heat.

Reaper Ash praying for some normalcy and mental peace every day.

Jessup and Sheaf talking and singing with the Capitol’s “sacred” rabid raccoons and wild squirrels in order to stay sane.

Mizzen being a terrible little gremlin.

The Mentors trying to recreate The Hunger Games until ✨Panemvision✨ was born.

Livia’s own version of The Hungers Games is basically ✨Love Island✨ on crack and steroids.

Because of the awful “Love Island” idea, the rest of the Mentors had to write a serious 20 page essay on why the Hunger Games should be recreated/revamped into a true reality TV show with a “no killing, no gore, no cannibalism” policy.

The Mentors trying to convince the School Board Members, the Government Officials, and crazy President Ravinstill to change the 10th Hunger Games into a non-deadly talent show to increase viewership and sponsors.

Moreover, Coryo strongly defended the proposal by having Lucy Gray successfully sing in front of a live audience (again) on TV. Billy Taupe was the only one who got offended (again).

Meanwhile, the rest of the Mentors also convinced their Tributes to show off their talents that same day. That was Reaper’s 2nd worst day of the week.😂

Dean Highbottom only supported the proposal because it reminded him of his wild karaoke clubbing days with his drop dead gorgeous lover. You know who it was.😏 #Crasca4Ever #crassusmylove #SnowBottom

Clemensia Dovecote also backs their weird essays by simply stating that killing children will only make the Districts hate the Capitol more. However, if they provide “real entertainment” without the violence, then the Districts might warm up to them.

In addition, Sejanus proposed that the winner of the contest will be made a ✨STAR of PANEM✨! 🤩

And as the ✨Star of Panem✨, he/she will be given monetary support and a lifetime supply of cabbages and lima beans by the Capitol.

Meanwhile, the losers will only get 10 boxes of pizza, 2 gallons of orange soda, one body bag of sandwiches (made by Ma Plinth) as a reward for “willingly” participating.

Juno Phipps then added a “rule” stating that no Tribute shall be punished (or killed) because the losers must live and remember their humiliation on television for the rest of their lives.😈

Coryo and Clemmie also proposed that each Tribute must have a Prep Team and Stylist to make them presentable for Lucky Flickerman’s Late Night Show with Jubilee.

Finally, Felix Ravinstill and Dennis Fling closed their arguments by stating: “That being forced to sing and perform ON STAGE and on LIVE TV, which could be replayed over and over again, even after death, especially for Tributes who couldn’t save their own pride and dignity for all of Panem to remember, is the worst punishment one could freely give to one’s enemy. They won’t even be allowed to forget how they had wronged you.”

After hearing the Mentors’ closing argument, Dr. Gaul was ready to end it all and commit bloody murder in front of everyone.😡🔪

But after some deliberation, President Ravinstill (and his puppies) approved the Mentors’ proposal and changed the Hungers Games into the ✨HGASC✨ (Hunger Games: Annual Singing Contest).

However, the Grandma’am and Strabo Plinth insisted that they should just officially call it ✨PANEMVISION✨.

Meanwhile, Dr. Gaul tried to persuade President Ravinstill (again) to reconsider the Mentors’ stupid proposals.

However, she was outvoted by both the School Board Committee and the Capitol’s highest ranking government officials, just because everyone (but her) wanted to see what “true entertainment” really looks like on screen.

Livia Cardew even defended everyone’s ideas nonstop because, according to her, there was a lack of spicy entertainment in the Capitol. Damn the rules! This is the Capitol! We want ✨Love Island✨ type of dramas! Where are the ✨Real Housewives of Corso✨?! F*ck the Hunger Games! Give us the 90 Day Fiancé from the Districts!

And that’s how the Mentors “accidentally” ended the Hunger Games and gave birth to the most popular and craziest reality TV show in the weird history of Panem.

As for every Quarter Quell, let’s just say, it’s gonna be a true ✨SHOW STOPPER✨!

The first ✨HGASC/PANEMVISION✨ Quarter Quell will have the Mentors reap kids from both Capitol and District. Afterwards, one District Tribute will be paired with one Capitol Tribute to perform a special duet act (whether they like it or not).

223 notes · View notes

catindabag · 11 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (7)

*When Coryo’s classmates found out that he’s dirt poor*

Festus: Coryo, my dumpster diving bro, you don’t have to hide the truth.

Coryo: What truth?

Festus: We all know and we don’t care.

Coryo: Know what?

Lysistrata: That your family is struggling and that you can’t even pay your own taxes.🥺

Livia: Ha! So I was right! I knew he was a penniless loser!😂

Festus: STFU, Cardew!

Livia: I’m just saying the truth.

Persephone: Coryo, we have all been ✨Besties✨ for a long time. So we just wanted to say-

Clemensia: That you should just marry Sejanus Plinth!

Lysistrata: I concur! Marry Plinth! Marry Plinth!

Persephone: Not now, Lizzie! This is not a SnowPlinth Fan Club meeting.

Lysistrata: Not yet.😏

Felix: But seriously, Coryo, if you need help or money, you can just ask-

Coryo: Guys, I’m fine! Everything’s fine. You really don’t have to go that far. I mean, if I really need money, I can-

Hilarius: Just marry rich boy Sejanus Plinth. We get it.

Coryo: No- Yes- Ughhh! Fine!

Festus: So it’s true! You really are going out with Sejanus Plinth!

Felix: Nice one, Snow bro! I’m so happy for you!

Lysistrata: Yes! My ship has officially sailed! Snowjanus for the win!

Festus: It’s SnowPlinth.

Florus: I thought we’re going with CabbageBread!

Hilarius: And I thought we’d agreed on Corjanus.

Felix: What happened to SnowMuffin?! I loved SnowMuffin!

Festus: That doesn’t make sense, Class Pres. Sejanus doesn’t throw muffins. He only throws bread.

Florus: To the dead.

Hilarius: Then why did he threw bread at me yesterday?

Festus: That’s because you’re already dead to him, Heavensbee.

Hilarius: But I thought that we’re all friends here?🥺

Lysistrata: That’s what you get for selling Coryo’s cute candid photos without Seji Pie’s permission.

Persephone: Wow. That’s a new low even for you, Hilari.

Hilarius: But-

Lysistrata: You even gave your creepy old man a discount.

Hilarius: To be fair, my father threatened to burn my monthly allowance in front of me, Lizzie!

Lysistrata: Boo. Hoo.

Felix: So are we going with SnowPlinth or Snowjanus?

Coryo: Call it what you want. I don’t care anymore.

Sejanus: *suddenly walks in and kisses Coryo on the cheek* Coryo, my one true love, my Snow Angel, I just heard the news!

Coryo: What news?

Sejanus: Don’t be shy now. We’re officially a couple, Babe! I knew it! I knew we were written in the stars! Just sign this marriage contract and we’re officially married!😍

Coryo: Wait, what?! No! I’m just 14!

Hilarius: We’re all 14.

Coryo: I wanna be 14 and single!

Sejanus: Oh, that’s right! We’re still technically minors.

Coryo: We’re just kids, Babe. I can’t marry you yet!

Sejanus: Wait right here, my love! I just have to tell my Ma to sign it for us! *runs out to make a call*

Coryo: Sejanus, Babe, wait a sec-

Clemensia: A word of advice, Snow.

Coryo: What now?😞

Clemensia: You should just seriously date and marry Sejanus Plinth.

Coryo: Why?!😫

Clemensia: Because it’s better for you to be his boyfriend than be mistaken as the ✨Sugar Baby✨ of Strabo Plinth.

Felix: Or Dean Highbottom’s.

Hilarius: Oh, and don’t forget, my creepy father might even volunteer.

Coryo: Well, sh*t! You’re right.

Clemensia: Of course we are.

Coryo: I wish you weren’t.

Felix: And I thought you and Seji Pie were already dating since grade school.

Coryo: No. Sej and I were already “dating” since we first met.

Felix: Since Sejanus first gave you a sack of gumdrops?

Coryo: Yup.

Felix: But we were just 8 when that happened.

Coryo: 8 and in love, bro. 8 and in love.

Hilarius: I wish I was 8 and in love.☹️

Coryo: Hilari, please stop sulking.

Hilarius: Poor me wants to be in love too.

Coryo: You’re 14, rich, and an idiot. You still have a chance.

Hilarius: Really? With who? With you?

Coryo: No.

Sejanus: *runs in smiling like an idiot* Babe, do you want our wedding cake to be royal blue or pure white as the driven snow?!😍

Coryo: Whatever you want, my love.

Sejanus: *giggles* I love you.😘

Coryo: Love you too.

Palmyra: Can I bake the cake?😀

Everyone: No.

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