#can't say that I'm not nervous about posting this

[rabbit-or-rib]

full nsfw alphabet for toby??

posting this from the glue trap i'm stuck in

🪓 Toby Rogers NSFW alphabet!

A = Aftercare, what they’re like after sex

checks in with you a WHOLE BUNCH- he wants to make sure you know he loves you and cares about you no matter how hard y'all were going not even 5 minutes ago

B = Body part, their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s

on him, i think it's a tie between his arms and his hair if that counts lolz. he likes how strong his arms are and likes to try n show off in front of you- he likes both how his hair looks, and he thinks his happy trail suits him

in you, i'd say your chest- in both a romantic and sexual sense :) he loves laying on you, listening and feeling your heartbeat, the closeness, all of it. he also loves leaving hickies all across it, little mindless bites and kisses decorating you from him getting lost on the feeling of you.

C = Cum, anything to do with cum, basically

he's a sucker for cumming inside, he just can't get over how you squeeze him and how fucked out you look

D = Dirty secret, pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs

he jerked off to the thought of you WAAYYYY before y'all were dating- he was too embarrassed to tell you when you first started dating and he's too scared now. probably.

E = Experience, how experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?

love him to the ends of the earth, he has nothing. nada. zilch. you're his first everything, be patient with him cus he's gonna be nervous !! that does NOT mean he has shame though. he is not at all embarrassed to tell you when he wants you.

F = Favorite position, this goes without saying

anything with you on top- as i said he's a boobs/chest kinda guy, he wants to watch

G = Goofy, are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.

he's more serious, but it's mostly because he's concentrated. he wants to do his best to make you feel good and he wants to focus!!

H = Hair, how well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.

i think he trims, but he doesn't wanna shave unless you ask him to (mostly because he has a tendency to accidentally nick himself with the razor)

he gets some facial hair on his chin, but it's nothing super serious. he'll jokingly ask you to help him with it sometimes, if you say yes you'll be rewarded with a very flustered boyfriend that keeps letting out shaky breaths every time you put your hand on his chest to keep him still

I = Intimacy, how are they during the moment? The romantic aspect

it really depends on his mood, but most of the time he's romantic about everything; telling you how much he loves you, all the noises you make, how fucking good you feel. if he's in a mood though, expect most of the words flowing out of his mouth to be about how bad he needs you, and reminding you that you're all for him.

J = Jack off, masturbation headcanon

it's. a lot. and it's mostly because he thought too hard about you- whether it was a small thing you did earlier that day that he thought was hot or his mind drifted to certain memories of you

K = Kink, one or more of their kinks

Toby praise kink truthers in this house !!!!!!!! lean over into his ear while you're riding him and tell him how pretty he looks when he's close, tell him you feel so full when he fucks you; he's putty in your hands

L = Location, favorite places to do they do

anywhere private- not big on getting caught by other people (catching you on the other hand is something else)

M = Motivation, what turns them on, gets them going

dead serious anything. you stretching in front of him, bending over to grab something, you smiling into a kiss- you get him hot and bothered by doing nothing and everything. (he does also really like it when you take any kinda control over him- even if it's just telling him in any kinda stern tone to go do something)

N = No, something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs

nothing that would seriously hurt you, and nothing to do with a daddy kink, sorry shawtys

O = Oral, preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.

he definitely prefers giving. loves how your thighs squeeze around his head, the feeling of you tugging at his hair, getting fistfuls of your ass as he pulls himself further into you.

he's such a mess receiving though, he's so sensitive and you look so pretty when you look up at him while he's halfway down your throat. he likes it when you take control when you're giving him head

P = Pace, are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.

tends to get lost in the feeling of you and ends up fucking you at a rough and fast pace, no matter how slow he started off. of course you can tell him to slow down if you really need him to, but his rough grip on your thighs and the whimpers and pants in your ear tell you just how bad he needs you.

Q = Quickie, their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.

they're not his favorite, but there have definitely been a few times where he just could not keep his hands off of you when the two of you were out and he pulled you aside. prefers to be able to take him time with you and draw things out a bit, but he'd never say no to you

R = Risk, are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.

he'll experiment with you !! it just has to be thoroughly talked about first

S = Stamina, how many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?

UNTIL HIS BODY GIVES OUT BABES- he does not care how tired his body gets, if you're down to keep going, he is too.

T = Toys, do they own toys or use them on a partner or themselves?

doesn't own any himself, and might be a lil shy using them on you, but he's a crying mess when you use them on him. he gets so overwhelmed so fast- make sure you tell him how good he's being <3

U = Unfair, how much they like to tease

he had no idea how to tease you for the first little bit- but as soon as he figured out how he could draw out little whines and begs for him to keep going, he could not get enough. can't do it for too long, though, he gets impatient

V = Volume, how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.

he is LOUD, panting, whimpering, whining- the whole nine yards. you feel fucking heavenly to him and he just can't help it :(( poor boy's sensitive

W = Wild card, a random headcanon for the character

he likes to have music in the back when y'all are going at it- he doesn't need it and it wouldn't be super loud, but it is nice to have background noise. some she wants revenge or somethin

X = X-ray, let’s see what’s going on under those clothes

~6.5, skinnier with such a sensitive tip

Y = Yearning, how high is their sex drive?

VERY this boy is down for anything 24/7 if you mention it. will wrap his arms around you from behind and whine into your neck if he's feeling needy.

Z = Zzz, how quickly do they fall asleep afterward?

if he was more rough or dominant with you, he doesn't wanna fall asleep until you do. if you were the one to take more charge, he'll certainly try to stay up !! but he's usually pretty spent and ends up asleep on your chest, gently holding your hand

#rabbit writings #ticci toby x reader #toby rogers x reader #ticci toby smut #toby rogers smut

[lobotomizedlady]

but if queer theory tells me I'm special then how could I not be special? Have you considered I stake my entire self esteem and personality on it? literally WHAT am I supposed to do other than perplex the normal grown adults in my life by trying to explain concepts and discourse that was invented on Tumblr in 2018?? I literally don't have hobbies and going outside makes me nervous I LITERALLY have bpd (self dx'd). HOW CAN I BE A BORING CISHET IF I LITERALLY HAVE A BAD HAIRCUT???? i CANNOT be straight I already told everyone including all my teachers that I think allos are gross. allos that think about sex all the time are soooooo gross even though the only hobby I can connect with people over is "writing" until they realize I only write and read fanfiction about blimbus and crinkle having sex in ways that could make a horse vomit. Yeah I loveeee hazbin hotel. JUST BECAUSE IM 14 DOESNT MEAN IM IMMATURE IM MATURE FOR MY AGE yes I was told that by a 35 year old online when I was 11 SHUT UP IM NOT STRAIGHT. hey wait a minute. WAIT. you only want to have relationships with people that have ..... va- vag- v.. 🤮 I can't even say it. NORMAL PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO GET DOWN WITH EVERYONE THEY MEET!! yes they are. YES THEY ARE @/transcutieespeons LITERALLY HAS A CARDD ABOUT IT THATS HOW I FOUND OUT IM ACE. Punch a terf :)) WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DONT EAT ENOUGH PROTEIN OR WORK OUT ENOUGH TO HIT SOMEONE I LITERALLY HAD PE YESTERDAY. POCKY LITERALLY HAS 2 GRAMS OF PROTEIN PER SERVING. IM NOT STRAIGHT IM DIFFERENT IM SPECIAL IM SPECIAL

of course I'm going to post it this is my favorite ask of the month. 10/10 might print & frame

#HOW CAN I BE A BORING CISHET IF I LITERALLY HAVE A BAD HAIRCUT??? cryingg #asks

[thesweetnessofspring]

Post-epilogue Everlark family. Rated T for theme.

The phone in the bakery rings twice before Peeta hears Katniss start talking to whoever called up. Maybe an order for a birthday cake or a customer asking when they'd be closing. Only Katniss's voice gets more tense than usual, and then there's the slam of the receiver and the door from the back counter to the bakery swinging open.

"Peeta Mellark, go get your daughter," Katniss says. "She's in the principal's office for getting into a fight."

"A fight? Our girl?" She's always had her mother's spirit, but other than wrestling her brother, she'd never fought in her twelve years of life.

"Oh, don't get like that. She slapped another girl and started pulling her hair, everybody saw it. You're the one who wanted her, so you go down to the school and get her."

"All right, have a cookie and some tea while I'm gone," Peeta says. "I'll go ahead and sort this all out."

Down at the school, Peeta sits in the principal's office next to their daughter while the principals lays out what happened and that their daughter will go home early that day and have a one-day suspension the next, and then a week of detention when she gets back to school. The girl slouches with her arms folded, rolling her eyes whenever the principal talks about this "unprecedented act of violence."

But Peeta knows their girl. So he says, "Her mother and I will talk to her about this. Thank you."

The girl looks so much like her mother while walking out of the school, silent and scowling, that Peeta can't help but be amused, though mostly concerned. What made her act this way?

Once they're off school grounds, Peeta says, "Once you're ready to talk, we'll talk. But we have to do it before you go back to school."

"I'm not going back!" she says. "Not as long as Junie Macdonald goes there."

"You rather go work for Uncle Haymitch?" Peeta asks. "Because if you don't go to school, that's where you'll be heading instead."

Their daughter lets out a squeal of protest and stays quiet the rest of the way to the bakery. Peeta brings them around the back door so that he can go up front and talk to Katniss, let her know the deal he came to with their daughter. The time and tea must have calmed her down, because she nods, her glare toward the back room at a minimum.

They finish out the day at the bakery, go back home, and have dinner all without the girl saying anything. As they send the kids to bed, though, their daughter lingers back. Katniss and Peeta have curled themselves up on the couch as they do every night, ready to have a few moments alone, but the girl still stands there at the edge of the rug, nervous.

"Momma?" the girl says. "Were you ever in love with Representative Hawthorne?"

"Rep---baby, where did you hear anything about that?" Katniss asks.

"So it's true?" She asks, disgust and betrayal in her voice. "And you wanted to marry him instead of Daddy?"

"Now hold on just a minute there young lady." Katniss shakes her finger. "Where are you hearing these crazy rumors in the first place?"

"Junie Macdonald," the girl says. "She's been going on for weeks now about how her uncle knows Representative Hawthorne and that before your Games, the two of you were going together, only Daddy made the whole country think you were in love so you had to act like it and then you went so crazy at the end of the war, Hawthorne didn't want you and that's the only reason why you married Daddy."

While Katniss looks horrified, Peeta laughs. Throws his head back against the couch, wide-open and laughs, his belly tremoring against his wife's side. She gives him a smack.

"And just what about this is funny to you?" she asks.

"The fact that it's the same story I told myself when I was hijacked," Peeta says. "And now here people are, just as crazy as I was back then."

Katniss shakes her head, but starts smiling along with her husband. Really, people did believe the darnedest things. Nearly thirty years after the war and some little girl was still making up stories about them.

"So it's not true?" the girl asks. "It's like those bad memories you get, and it isn't real?"

"You already know Daddy and I had to act like we did in those videos they show in class. And that it took time for me to fall in love with him. Well, the whole truth of it is that I used to be friends with Gale Hawthorne and after the Games he told me he was in love with me. Only after the war, we had too many differences to even be friends. I'd never have married him, and I'd have always fallen in love with Daddy."

The girl's shoulders relax. Peeta asks, "Sweet pea, is that why you fought Junie? Because she was saying stuff about me and Momma?"

"I'm used to the talk about you two being crazy," she says. "But I couldn't stand her saying you two didn't love each other. That some other man was supposed to be my daddy."

"I can guarantee you, no other man would've ever been your daddy," Katniss says. "So don't you pay her any mind when you go back to school, all right? She's just trying to rile you up."

"She's always been jealous that I'm famous and everyone in Panem wants to know about me," the girl says with a haughty tilt of her chin. "Now she's making up lies!"

"You? Famous?" Katniss scoffs. "Daddy and I are famous. What you are is in trouble. You'll be getting up with Daddy to work at the bakery tomorrow, so get to bed."

Their daughter gives a groan and marches off to go up the stairs, but pauses halfway up to see her parents exchange a kiss and a pair of smiles. Junie Macdonald was jealous, and the girl decided she'd never listen to a word that idiot said again.

#everlark fanfiction #thg fanfiction #toast babies #toast teens #everlark family #everlark

[dear-ol-bot]

The Dear Ol's

Hello! I've been meaning to create stories with these characters but have been pretty lazy! Didn't help that I got Covid also and then immediately got another illness after that where I got prescribed medicine that makes you sleepy as a side effect RIP

(I meant to finish this on the first day of this month and I started like a few days before that so I guess that's how things are going)

So the Dear Ol' thing is like my own take on what a title(?) for nonbinary characters in the Mr Men universe would be like! The idea was to make the title as general as possible! Honestly, I'm still wondering if it should have been "Ol'" or "Old"! I know that Mx exists though! I do like it and I honestly don't remember why I don't just use that, but I'm much too attached to "Dear Ol'" at this point tbh! Oh, maybe this Dear Ol' thing could just be my own thing now that I think about it LOL

Anyways, I actually came up with some Dear Ol' characters! Press "Read More" for some Dear Ol's that I came up with as of current! I haven't designed how they would look yet, but I have some general ideas! I will either draw them individually (like as on the covers of the books) first, or just draw them all in one picture, or reveal them along with their own story (please trust that I will actually not be lazy and create them eventually (impossible))! So far, I only have a general idea of their personality and plot!

Dear Ol' Oblivious

As if living in their own bubble, they tend to be very oblivious to what is happening around them! Not only that, but it seems that they are not able to read between the lines! You have to tell them precisely what you want or what you mean or else they just won't get it!

Dear Ol' Memory

They actually have another alternative name, which is Dear Ol Archivist! This character was truly inspired by the Internet Archive, hence the alternative name! Dear OI' Memory is the kind of people who would love to write in their diaries, take pictures, and maybe even make scrapbooks with them!

The story reveals the reason why they feel like it is important for them to keep these memories, but I think you may be able to guess what the reason may be already! Maybe it's something that you may personally relate to?

You can't stop the whimsy.

Dear Ol' Whimsy

A pretty jolly fellow, just living their own life, hopping around trees and buildings and sometimes doing a silly little dance just for the heck of it! They're pretty tiny too, probably the tiniest one on this list! Seeing them living their life would probably make witnesses feel a little bit joyful and whimsical themselves!

Just hope that you don't become their target whenever they decide to feel just a bit mischievous that day! Even if you do get targeted, please do not make too funny of a reaction that you become one of their regular targets!

Sure, you can always try to stop them from playing tricks on you! Maybe even try to stop them from being so whimsical if you don't like whimsy! Try as you might, but soon enough you'll learn a very important lesson!

Dear Ol' Elusive

Ok, so this is a very strange one because I technically have finished drawing them! That's because you won't be able to see them at all or at least not that much, not even on the cover! This obviously won't be a good idea for a book just for that alone LOL

The plot for this one is also very strange! I'm actually not too sure if this story would work or end at all! The story is that some of the other characters have managed to see a glimpse of them, though not enough to confidently define some features! It's just that whenever they look even a millisecond at them, they kind of just ran away! Nobody knew who this is and why they keep escaping. Some of them had been making theories on what kind of person they may be, and some of them even tried to look for them and might even go so far as to try to trap them just so they can get some answers! However, this whole ordeal does bring up some interesting questions: just when are we going too far to know someone, and do we really need to know who they are?

Dear Ol' Villain

Dear Ol' Kind

Dressed like a villain, acts like a villain, too bad it takes more than that to be one! They really want to be a villain just because they feel like it's so much more fun than being all nice, but unfortunately for them, they're really awful at trying to do evil things!

It seems that in pretty much every evil scheme that they carry out, there's always a positive thing that comes out of it that greatly outweighs the con! Basically this one ProZD skit (they're literally based on this skit)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPUgjy-Pn-4

Of course, because of that, nobody really considers them as a threat! They're kind of a cringefail tbh, the poor thing! At least they will also have a happy ending in their story!

Probably the simplest character in here, they are simply a very kind person! They always try to give help to those who need them, and do not expect anything in return!

Their plot doesn't revolve around how kind they are though! Instead, it will be about a rather unusual but welcome chain of events one day caused by one of their kind gestures! A chain of events that they don't even realize was caused by them!

Dear Ol' Bot

Oh no this isn't a character, it's actually just me, but I do have Dear Ol' on my name after all LOL

I guess this technically doubles as a reintroduction!

Hello there!!!! I really like robots and machines and stuff! That's actually why I named myself Dear Ol' Bot! :]

Anyways hope you guys will like these characters when they're finished!!!!

#mr men #little miss #mr men little miss #mr men and little miss #dear ol' #can't say that I'm not nervous about posting this #never thought I would be creating OCs of a franchise and then sharing them too! #and it's OCs for mr men of all things #I actually finished my medicine already #but then right after that I get the same illness anyways #we live in a cruel world #message #by me

[commsroom]

'Beyond This Power of My Nature': Hera’s self-perception and relationship to humanity

Okay, this is something I’ve wanted to make a proper post about for a long time now: what evidence we have for how Hera sees herself in canon, why I think it’s important to acknowledge she is written with an element of physicality, and how I think, keeping the themes of Wolf 359 in mind, Hera as an AI Character comes across very differently from a lot of other AI Characters. The idea that she is fundamentally human has different implications in the context of a show that is so focused on humanity, and specifically on the way that its characters (at various points) navigate, reject, desperately try to hold onto, and are repeatedly denied recognition of their humanity. There’s so much more I could say on the topic, but. This post is already over six thousand words, so it will have to do.

tl;dr: Hera’s identity is not representative of AI Identity in any broader sense, even just within Wolf 359. Hera has a defined internal self image that is singular, and distinct from the Hephaestus or any systems she runs. There is an aspect of physicality to the way she is written, performed, and treated by the text, and she canonically experiences physical loneliness. Her feelings of isolation and the ways she is othered, even by herself at times, are reflective of very real human experiences - in particular, I have to touch on how I feel Hera can be read as a trans character. Hera struggles with the feeling that she is inherently different from everyone around her, and therefore intrinsically doomed, and it is only by letting go of those fatalistic notions, realizing she and her friends are more alike than different, that she can start to move forward and imagine a life for herself.

A couple of disclaimers:

For the purposes of this post, assume that ‘personhood’ (recognition as a full and equal person to any other person) and ‘humanity’ (the quality of Being Human, however nebulously defined) are separate, albeit related, concepts. Assume that ‘personhood’ is a given for all sentient beings as far as the text is concerned, even if other characters within the text may not extend the same courtesy.

I’d also like to say that I know the subject of Humanity as it relates to AI characters can be a touchy one - I’m also coming at this from the perspective of someone who finds it a little distasteful to ascribe a Human Identity to characters who already have their own, complete, distinctly non-human identities, or to place Humanity on a pedestal in a sci-fi context where humans are the peers of other sentient beings. I don’t think these concerns apply to Hera, or to Wolf 359 as a show, but just to be clear: everything I want to say here is about Hera, specifically. It’s not meant to apply to other AI characters, even within Wolf 359, and it definitely isn’t meant to be viewed through the lens of real-world AI development. I believe Wolf 359 is a character drama above anything else, and I believe it is especially concerned with its exploration of humanity - something I’ll talk more about later. With that said:

i. ‘some do. i don’t.’: other examples of AI identity in wolf 359

How much do we know about general concepts of AI identity in the universe of Wolf 359? The short answer… not much. The slightly longer answer:

When Minkowski introduces herself to Hera, there’s this exchange:

(Ep. 61: MINKOWSKI: Yes, they, uh, briefed me about you. I just... Unit 214, I presume? / HERA: Oh, no, no. Hera. Definitely Hera. / MINKOWSKI: Oh, sorry. I'd heard Sensus Units prefer to go by their serial - / HERA: Some do. I don't. If that's all right, Commander?)

Minkowski says she “heard Sensus Units prefer to go by their serial [numbers]” and Hera responds, “Some do. I don’t.” … It’s entirely possible that both Minkowski and Hera are going off of Goddard propaganda here, or that Hera doesn’t know what other Sensus Units might think at all and she’s just trying to defer to Minkowski before making a request of her. But for all we know, maybe that’s true? Maybe some Sensus Units really do prefer that. And whether it’s true or not doesn’t really matter. In saying it, Hera acknowledges that all AIs may not feel the way she does, but that this is how she feels about her name.

In Change of Mind, we have this exchange between Eris and Lovelace:

(Suddenly, behind her, there's a soft WOOSH! Lovelace spins around and - finds herself face-to-face with a YOUNG WOMAN. / ERIS: Hi. / Lovelace blinks. Confused. /  LOVELACE: Hi? What - who - / ERIS: It's me. Eris. / LOVELACE: But... I thought you were an A.I. / ERIS: I am. This is how I see myself. Well, how I see a version of myself. As long as we're both in a mental state, we can interact this way. Remember, you're not really here either. / LOVELACE: But... look at you. You're - /  ERIS: Yeah. I know.)

I’m not going to speculate on exactly how Eris appears in this scene, but: “This is how I see myself. Well, how I see a version of myself.” is interesting to consider, both in the context that Eris has an internal sense of self (presumably human in appearance, as far as the stage notes go) and the suggestion that there are other ways she sees herself that might be equally ‘her’ - does this mean Eris as in the Eris we know in Change of Mind, or does it imply that each iteration of Eris, in each of the training modules Goddard uses her consciousness for, perceives herself differently? Both? Neither?

And I think it’s revealing to show these two lines next to each other:

(LAMBERT: Rhea says... “It’s just the way they programmed her, back off.”)

(Ep. 7: EIFFEL: C’mon, Commander, you can’t really hold that against her. It’s just her programming! / HERA: Oh, stop. Do you have any idea how condescending that is? Just chalking everything I do to my programming? What if I just went around blaming every stupid decision you made on... “biology”? / EIFFEL: Hera... / HERA: “Why are they doing that, isn’t that a bit dangerous?” Oh never mind, that’s just their biology. “That’s a terrible idea, don’t they know any better?” Just that pesky ol’ biology, we really should’ve sprang for the more expensive model.)

… Which. I kinda think the difference in philosophy there speaks for itself. Sure, Rhea’s line is in defense of Eris, while Hera doesn’t appreciate ‘it’s just programming’ being used as a defense of herself, but I find it hard to imagine she’d ever see it as anything but condescension. 

It also might be worth noting that none of the other AIs we know (despite how little we know about them) seem to be people Hera would really get along with: Enlil is the exact “willing to roll over for any bozo in a lab coat” type of AI who gets the “cushy job flying jet liners over the Atlantic” she shows such disdain for; if Hera met Eris it would likely be under circumstances where Eris was a threat to her friends + despite Eris’s ‘rogue AI’ aesthetic, she is designed to serve that purpose by Goddard and serves her role (and accepts her fate) without much resistance; and we don’t know much about Rhea, but from her defense of Eris, and what we can interpret from her limited interactions as a sense of professionalism, she and Hera also… likely would not see eye to eye.

All of that to say: we don’t know much about AI identity as it broadly exists within the setting of Wolf 359, but I think we do know enough to fairly assume it’s as varied and individual as identity would be for any other group of people. Which… of course it would be. I think it’s entirely possible that some AIs would have a sense of self-identity that is entirely divorced from human categorization. And all of this presents a ton of questions that I don’t really have answers for, that I don’t think we even have enough information about in canon to properly speculate on, but I think it’s important groundwork to lay out to further emphasize: when I talk about Hera’s identity, I am talking about Hera’s identity. How she sees herself, how she wants to be seen, what she values, etc. as an individual person. So.

ii. ‘you’re remembering this wrong’: what the subjective reality of memory can tell us about hera’s self-perception

If there was only one scene I could call attention to here, one piece of evidence re: Hera’s identity and self-perception, it would be the opening scene from Memoria. If you want to, please just go listen to that scene again, right now. Notice how it’s framed, and what the audio cues might suggest in a visual medium - in her memory, Hera perceives herself at the table with the rest of the crew. Physically present.

So much of Memoria is about subjective reality, memory as the product of the world through your own personal filter, your perspective and biases. “Everything before memory is about the world around you. Everything after it is all in your head.”

So looking at how Hera remembers things, more than anything else, I think can tell us a lot about how she perceives herself. Even when she doesn’t realize it. ‘Minkowski’ in Hera’s memory says… well. We get this scene:

(Ep. 41: MINKOWSKI: You're remembering this wrong. You weren't here with us. / HERA: I... I wasn't? / MINKOWSKI: No, Hera. We were over here, and you... / The soundscape shifts. There's a WOOSH, followed by some DIGITAL PROCESSING. It subsides, and when Minkowski says - / MINKOWSKI (CONT’D): ... you were over there. / - she sounds like her voice is coming through a SPEAKER. And it GLITCHES. We hear her the way we normally hear Hera. / HERA: Oh. Right. I'm here. I'm here.)

But here’s the thing. Minkowski - the real Minkowski - would never say Hera wasn’t there with them, because from Minkowski’s perspective, she was. This is Hera’s perspective - Hera feels as if she wasn’t there. And to quote @the-empty-man​, from a similar conversation we had a while back: ‘in the actual reality of that Thanksgiving meal, she was there with them in the sense that she could directly see them and hear them and interact with them in various ways and (if we think of her as being located in the Hephaestus) she was kind of sharing the same physical space as them. In the reality of that memory, she was as "there with them" as she ever has been with anyone (excluding weird mind-space things) but that didn't feel like enough for her. If she doesn't think she was fully there with them then (or at least a part of her doesn't), then she's never felt like she's been fully there with anyone (again maybe excluding mind-space weirdness). It's like she's got this longing for something that she barely even has a frame of reference for.’

I think that’s just it. Hera experiences physical loneliness. The wording of “over there.” The shift in sound design, and the implication that Hera hears the others the way they hear her - that she’s not an equal presence in a different form, from her own perspective, but physically somewhere else on the other side of an impassable barrier that the others don’t even recognize exists. She has an image of herself in her mind that most other people never see.

Still, ‘how does Hera see herself?’ is a difficult question, and not one I’m going to be able to answer all at once. For now, it might be useful to first point out how Hera definitely, canonically does NOT see herself - she does not see herself as the Hephaestus.

In her own memory, she imagines herself as singular, physical, (by all indication) human in appearance. Without the awareness that ‘mind-space weirdness’ is even possible, that appearance is for no one but herself. And the Hephaestus, I think, is an entity in its own right, and one that Hera is bound to for most of the show, but she exists within it, not as an inherent part of it. Her connection to the Hephaestus, the functions she performs, are her job. The further into the show you get, and the more Hera asserts her own autonomy, the more the text distinguishes between Hera, the systems that she runs, and even her hardware. And, of course: “Or end up in other places. Doing things not because you're good at them, but just because of what you are. Has it ever occurred to you that there might be jobs for which the only requirement is having no pulse?”

iii. ‘i know what’s waiting for me back there’: when and why hera rejects humanity

It’s important to note that Hera’s identity absolutely is informed by the fact that she’s an AI, and the way she navigates the world and her relationships because of it. At times, this creates something of a double bind for her - it’s frustrating to have others acknowledge her situation, when it others her and creates or emphasizes a reminder of the distance between them, but it’s also frustrating when they don’t recognize she can’t always do the things that they can do, or that she has other physical/safety/etc. concerns that wouldn’t occur to them. 

Consider the part in Theta Scenario where Eiffel has them vote on whether or not to return to Earth and sheepishly has to add, “and, uh… all those without hands?” The progression of this scene is a good illustration re: Hera’s alternating refusal of and embrace of humanity: she blames her loneliness on her programming, her attachments, her humanity - she chooses to separate herself from these things without ever making an affirmative statement as to what part of her would be Her in their place. That’s because it’s coming from a place of hurt. And remember that she’s still dealing with Maxwell’s betrayal. This is an emotional reaction, which I suppose is worth noting in itself: when Hera is hurt, her judgment is clouded, and she can be confidently wrong. Consider how convinced she was that Hilbert was making everything about Decima up, while she was at the height of her anger with him.

When Hera is hurt, when she is feeling betrayed, and frightened, she tends to self-isolate - she leans into the idea that she is fundamentally different and therefore intrinsically doomed. It’s only by letting go of these preconceptions and allowing for real connection that she’s able to heal. It’s true that the only people who have hurt her have been humans - but so are the only people who have ever helped her, who she’s had any meaningful relationships with at all. She has to believe she isn’t fundamentally different from the others, because ultimately that’s what allows her to return home with them - to think maybe there could be something for her on Earth after all. And by choosing to believe in Eiffel’s promise to her, that whatever happens when they get back to Earth, they’ll go through it together… That's a start.

iv. ‘i know where this train goes, i've been on it before. "she'll hurt someone. she can't be trusted. it's okay - she isn't even human.’: hera, lovelace, and real-world alienation

I think it’s also worth noting, however, that while Hera’s identity is informed by being an AI, the implication of Being an AI in the world of Wolf 359 specifically manifests in ways that are directly applicable to real-world human experiences. The double bind that I described, the lack of life experience compared to your peers and the embarrassment associated with that, the feeling of alienation and isolation, even the feeling of being ‘not quite human’ through repeated dehumanization and othering - these are things that real people experience. In the same way that Lovelace is an alien clone, yes, but more importantly just a person with PTSD… Hera is an AI, but she’s also a person with anxiety and chronic pain - and with experiences that I think can be directly drawn to neurodivergent, disabled, and trans experiences in various ways. I’ll try not to get too into that aspect of it here, but I do think it’s worth noting - Wolf 359 is a show about humanity, about people whose humanity has been denied to them in various ways, interpersonally and/or systemically, and I think it’s important to consider Hera’s character arc and the ways she chooses to assert her autonomy and self-identity within that framework.

And of course, speaking of Lovelace, it’s impossible to ignore that Hera is the most staunch and immediate defender of Lovelace’s humanity, following the realization that Lovelace is herself an alien clone, because Hera recognizes the way others react to her perceived differences with fear, distrust, etc. and how they will use those feelings to justify dehumanizing her. Lovelace’s humanity and Hera’s humanity are directly linked in the text.

v. ‘it’s like you’re making a movie’: why i think it does hera’s character arc a disservice to approach it with general biases regarding AI characters

You know that thing about how Wolf 359 leans into sci-fi tropes? How Eiffel is the wisecracking everyman, Minkowski is the by-the-books Commander, Hilbert is… well, you know. And so on. But instead of being subversions of these common archetypes, the characters in Wolf 359 are as intricate and contradictory and dynamic as they are because a central tenet of the show’s character writing is to ask ‘why would a real person behave this way?’

If we extend that logic to Hera and interpret her as an example of the ‘AI who is more human than some humans’ archetype, then the answer to the question is simply… because she is fundamentally human. The failure of that trope, in my opinion, is that it often sets up an AI character in the position of ‘becoming’ human, suggesting humanity is something greater and aspirational, and often directly equating ‘being a person’ with ‘being human’, even in settings where other non-human and equally sentient forms of intelligence exist. There’s something self-aggrandizing and patronizing in that.

But this is NOT the case with Hera; she is just as human at the start of the show as she is by the end of it - her struggle is not in ‘attaining humanity’ but in navigating the biases of others, the way repeated dehumanization has affected her own self-perception - to get others to see her the way she sees herself.

vi. ‘such a big, big universe...’: isolation, the ‘big picture’, and what the contradictions in am i alone now? tell us about hera’s priorities

Here’s a line I think about a lot. Specifically, I think about how often this line is used to represent Hera… “Such a big, big universe, and you only gave yourselves the tools to think about a tiny portion of it.” It’s fascinatingly ironic when you put it back into context: consider the way this monologue is framed. She’s telling all of it to Eiffel, but she isn’t, really. That’s the conflict. She wants to be able to tell him these things in the same way she wants to be able to describe what she sees to him, to get him to understand her experience, because she can think about so many more parts of that big, big universe at once, and what does it get her? She can’t do anything with it. She can’t tell anyone. She ‘tells’ Eiffel anyway - she chooses to talk to him, even when she isn’t actually talking to him. She can’t make that connection, but she wants to, so badly.

She thinks she’ll be left alone up there, sooner or later. It’s a feeling she learns to let go of, little by little, until something else finally seems possible.

There’s a theme throughout Wolf 359: the ‘Big Picture’ as an antagonistic force, whether it’s alien and unknowable, or corporate and uncaring, or some combination, and how its counterpart is Personal Connection. That’s something I’d like to get into in more depth in another post, but it’s worth touching on here because I think keeping that in mind reframes so much of Hera’s monologue in Am I Alone Now?

Think about how much of it is those Big Ideas in contrast with the familiar and immediate - that she wants to tell these things to Eiffel. “Some days I wonder if I’ll miss you, after you go away forever… I doubt it. But you never know.” The subtext is in the contradiction. The lonelier Hera is, the more she denies her humanity, but in her denial, in her loneliness, that humanity becomes all the more apparent. 

Sometimes I see people take ‘I doubt it’ at face value, as evidence of eventual character/relationship growth, suggesting she gets more attached to him over time… I don’t think that’s true. She watches a star die 13.7 light years to the left and she thinks of him. She watches the swirling, raging solar winds in colors she has no name for, and wishes she could share that with him. She’s not talking to anyone, but she still chooses to talk to him. Of course she would miss him. Of course she would.

vii. ‘even hilbert never sunk that low’: how hera is treated by the show’s antagonists

It might be interesting to note that almost all of the antagonists do acknowledge Hera’s personhood, and that the way they treat her is almost always a reflection of how they treat other, flesh-and-blood people. The only antagonist who seems to honestly see her as less than a person is Hilbert, and even in his “tell me you’re not mourning that appliance” levels of cruelty towards her, there’s a way that it’s not so different from his general disregard for human life and ability to see people less as individuals, and more as expendable assets to be used in pursuit of a Greater Cause.

With that said, he’s not particularly relevant to the discussion of Hera’s self-image. The characters who are: Maxwell and Pryce.

viii. ‘i can totally rewrite a memory’: hera and maxwell

I think this is where the distinction between personhood and humanity becomes most relevant. Because I think Maxwell believes very strongly in AI Personhood, and I believe she generally prefers the company of AIs to human people, and I think… those facts allow her to help Hera in a way no one else could have, but they work against her understanding of Hera as an individual. Let me try to explain.

From the moment Maxwell gets on board the Hephaestus, she starts altering things in Hera’s programming - little things, like Minkowski’s title, that Hera can ignore because the larger things that Maxwell is able to fix for her genuinely improve her quality of life. And Maxwell, despite showing compassion for Hera, uses more mechanical terminology to refer to her than almost anyone else. But the thing is… while the SI-5 certainly have no qualms about blatant and intentional cruelty when they deem it necessary, I don’t know if Maxwell realizes what a violation some of these things are. She helps Hera, sure, unquestionably. But she also betrays her in what might be the worst possible way.

Think about the way Cutter threatens to delete and alter Hera’s memories - in Decommissioned, and in the live show. It isn’t fundamentally all that different from what Maxwell wants to do in Memoria, but Maxwell seems incapable of understanding why the concept is so upsetting to Hera. I don’t think we have enough information to make any claim for certain, but I do think it’s possible that other AIs may not perceive themselves in the same way Hera does, or value the same things. There’s a chance this is not malicious at all, but just a failure to recognize Hera’s priorities as an individual do not align with Maxwell’s previous experiences. With that acknowledged, Hera defends Maxwell against the idea she might turn her against the others, saying, “Doctor Maxwell understands better than anyone how much of a violation that would be. She would hate herself.” … but does she? Would she? Does it matter, when she does it anyway?

Hera is distraught over her realization that she never really knew Maxwell, but I guess I like the idea that maybe Maxwell didn’t understand Hera as well as she thought she did either. That maybe Hera’s unpredictability is something beyond programming, something closer to the same messy, complicated human quality that the rest of the crew survives on - that Hera was able to catch Maxwell off guard and win against her for the same reason they all triumph over Pryce and Cutter in the end. Because human unpredictability is the one thing that Goddard’s Big Picture can never factor for.

ix. ‘you don’t look like me’: hera and pryce

And if there’s any relationship that can tell us about Hera’s self-image, it’s this one. Pryce is fully aware of Hera’s humanity. Pryce’s collar program (and Maxwell’s, for that matter - another link between them) serves a similar function to Pryce’s restraining bolts, but as far as Pryce is concerned, I think it’s actually preferable to her that Hera is aware of it. “They could be whatever she wanted them to be - and as real as she wanted them to be - and they never left her behind... and they never talked back... and they were never afraid of her. Except when she wanted them to be.” …

Likewise, Hera’s attachment to her own identity is necessary for Pryce’s methods of control to be effective. Pryce is able to hurt Hera by dehumanizing her, by degendering her, by taking away her name and her autonomy, by reminding her that even her own voice isn’t her own - because those things matter to Hera.

So then you have that line in the finale, where Pryce sees Hera in Eiffel’s mind and she says, “You don’t look like me.” I think there are a few different ways you could read that.

One, the more common interpretation: that Pryce expects Hera should look like her because she is functionally ‘designed in her image’ and that Hera, over time, intentionally shifted her internal sense of self away from that. And I like this, I think there’s a power in it, especially alongside headcanons where Hera adopts some features of the people she loves to incorporate into her own - but I think it might be the less likely option. While I think it’s entirely believable that Pryce would give Hera her appearance in the same way she gave her her voice, and while I think there is an intentional cruelty (and given that Pryce herself was probably isolated for much of her life, perhaps a kind of awful retribution in her mind) to Hera having human desires without human physicality, I don’t think all of that is just Pryce’s design. I think that’s giving her too much credit.

The other possible interpretation: canonically, Hera is able to be in Eiffel’s mind by interfacing with Pryce’s neural imaging processor, which is presumably configured for Pryce. She is intentionally running a whole bunch of extra code to appear as herself instead. I don’t know. There’s something about that idea, to me. That by default, more easily, she could choose to appear the way Pryce does, but that it matters to her that she doesn’t.

(I also kind of like the idea - given the transhumanist nature of Pryce and Cutter - that the way Hera appears in the finale is distinctly human. I think it works well with the themes of the show - that where Pryce rejects her innate humanity, considers it weakness, considers herself above it, tries to transcend it… Hera recognizes the strength in her own humanity, for all the ways it fails her, embracing it has allowed her connection to others that she would’ve thought impossible, has made her more free, has made her more herself.)

And again, if there’s anything that tells us about Hera’s self-image, it’s this: we know from later events in the finale that there are ways she could’ve interfaced with the machine without appearing in Eiffel’s mind, but she wanted to. She wanted to be there, as herself, as ‘physically’ as possible, and be seen. If you don’t count her punching Pryce in the face (which… I guess it counts as a type of interaction), the only direct physical interaction Hera ever has with another character in the entire show is the stage note that says: Hera and Eiffel stand together, his arm around her shoulder.

x. ‘[gritted digital teeth]’: physicality in the way hera is written and performed, and how that informs her as a character

A bit of a tangent, but speaking of physicality. One thing I always like to point out is how, in the live show, they chose to have Hera on stage with the others, but just… far enough away from them, physically. And the only person who ever crosses the stage to interact with her directly is Eiffel. Of course, you can’t take any of that as a literal expression of… anything, but I do think it’s worth considering in the context of Hera’s physical loneliness expressed in Memoria, the way Eiffel consistently tries to bridge the gap between them via emotional connection, and, finally, Hera’s lone physical interaction in the show being with Eiffel in the finale.

There’s also the (albeit mostly circumstantial) detail that Michaela Swee recorded a lot of the show remotely, with the notable exceptions of Memoria and Brave New World - the two episodes where Hera has ‘physical’ appearances.

And if we’re going to talk about the way choices in the writing/acting impact the way Hera’s character comes across, there’s this screenshot I managed to dig up from Gabriel Urbina’s now-defunct blog. I think it’s worth noting that, as well as expressing physicality within the text of the show, she is also admittedly written with, performed with, and informed by those aspects of physicality, even when it’s not visible to us - in that sense, from a metatextual perspective, you could even argue she has just as much physical presence as any other character in the show.

(Someone says, “Okay so I was a little wary of watching the live show, mostly because of Hera. I didn’t want her personified. But the way Mikaela [sic] Swee portrays her character, puts Hera on that stage, is perfect.” to which Gabriel responds, “A perfectly understandable concern, but hopefully one that’s not too prevalent after you watch the show. There is so much of Michaela’s mannerisms and physicality in how we write Hera and the vocal performance that hopefully seeing her perform it will amplify the character that she’s created rather than narrowing it down.”)

xi. ‘i know plenty’: challenges to hera’s identity, self perception, and connection to humanity

So, why am I so caught up on the humanity part of this? Because I think Wolf 359 is, before anything else, a show that is concerned with humanity. I think it is a show about very human people (in some very flawed and tragic ways) trying very hard to retain their humanity in inhumane circumstances, and often with people actively trying to dehumanize them, whether interpersonally or through corporate alienation, human experimentation, the treatment of prisoners, etc. But that leads into a whole other topic, so instead I’ll share these three things:

This exchange from Out of the Loop, where Hera’s argument with Jacobi hinges on humanity - her accusation that he “works so hard at being inhuman” and her anger and offense at his retort that she wouldn’t know what that means:

(Ep. 49: HERA: You are despicable, Jacobi. I have never met someone who worked so hard at being inhuman. / JACOBI: What do you know about being human? / HERA: I know plenty.)

This line, from Quiet, Please, where Minkowski defends Hera’s autonomy directly and refers to her as a woman, which I promise will be relevant:

(Ep. 58: Minkowski SLOWLY, maintaining her VICE-LIKE GRIP, PULLS HIS EAR DOWN, bringing Jacobi's face down to her eye-level. / MINKOWSKI (low, deadly): Shut. The Hell. Up. That woman? For the last two weeks, she was the only person who even tried to resist what Pryce and Cutter were doing to us. So you are going to show her some goddammed respect, am I clear?)

And because I’m incapable of writing lengthy meta about Hera without bringing up this quote from Sarah Shachat in some capacity:

“What I can tell you is that the fact Hera that clearly has a human gender in her speech and conscious perspective, yet lacks human physicality, is something she definitely does think about. She isn’t removed from it, or taking the view of some sort of Hyper Advanced Future Machine for whom human binary constructions are funny, if a bit quaint. She’s been placed on a spectrum the same way she was placed aboard the Hephaestus. Her journey so far has very much been about dealing with that, about trying to assert her unique sense of self given the limitations placed on her and to communicate with these other idiots who don’t share her experience.”

While this is about Hera’s relationship to her gender in particular, I think the fact that she sees herself as a woman specifically is relevant. The fact that she has a human gender and she cares about that, and that human concepts of identity in general do apply to her. She doesn’t consider herself separate from or above them.

And that leads, perhaps, to one more question. Is it possible that Hera sees herself as human not because of an innate desire for the attributes of humanity, but because all of the people she knows are human - because once you conflate personhood and humanity on a societal level, is it possible she feels that she will only be seen as a complete person if she is also human? And, I mean… Maybe? It’s possible. But I don’t think it changes the outcome.

I’m asking this here because I think this is also analogous to a trans experience. If you have social expectations of what a woman is, and you feel that you are a woman, and so you choose to conform to those social expectations (to whatever degree) because it allows your womanhood to be recognized… as long as the desire for those attributes comes from a genuine place, can you really tell if you would feel differently about it if society viewed womanhood differently? At some point socialization, societal expectation, and personal preference do get muddled up to a certain degree, and while it’s worth examining to make sure you’re doing what makes you most comfortable, whatever that may be… I think at a certain point ‘I feel better presenting this way than not’ is the only real answer you can find.

I think this also applies to Hera, in her connection to humanity and her expressions of/desires for a kind of physicality. We have a sense of how she canonically perceives herself, and how she struggles to be perceived by others, and with that in mind it’s largely irrelevant to me how she might feel about her identity with social pressures removed. Identity is shaped by connection, and while I waver on how much I want to say that Hera is human, full stop, no qualifiers… She is a person with human desires who wants to be close with and share experiences with her human friends. She is an AI, and that informs her identity and the way she navigates the world, but I don’t believe those things are mutually exclusive.

(I’ve written a little more about why I think Hera’s character arc reads as a trans narrative here.)

More than anything, I have a hard time believing that Hera would want to be seen as fundamentally different from the people she loves, when struggling to overcome that difference both within her own self-perception and in her interactions with others, is such a significant part of her character development. There are times where Hera being an AI does mean she has to consider things that the others might not, and it’s important that the people in her life are aware of and respectful of that. But to emphasize her differences in circumstances where it’s not relevant only serves to other her.

Or, let me put it this way. Whether or not Hera would want a body, if she could have one, is a whole other set of questions, but if Wolf 359 is a show about humanity, about connection, about the value of small, personal things over the Big Picture, then I think if Hera was able to hug her friends, if she was able to go somewhere by herself, entirely by herself, and put her hands in the water, and feel it… even the fact alone that she might have the desire for those things… Well, maybe there’s a way that Wolf 359 is about that, too.

xii. ‘if this is it? i’d rather go as me, thank you very much.’: conclusions

I often see people say that we have ‘no way of knowing’ how Hera might want to be seen, or even that she definitely wouldn’t want to be seen as human, or that it wouldn’t occur to her to want [whatever thing] because she’s ‘not human’ and I just… I don't think any of those things are true. I think there’s plenty to go off of in canon, and I think it all points more in this particular direction than not.

I once saw someone say - as a criticism - that Hera was less of an AI character and more of just “a person in the walls” and that stuck with me because… well, because it was such a funny way of phrasing it, but also because. That’s not a weakness of the writing or a failure of imagination. That’s the point of her character! There are so many other sci-fi stories that are interested in more speculative questions re: how AI characters might be different from us and prioritize different things. That’s not Wolf 359! Hera is not meaningfully different from the others, she just thinks she must be because she has different life circumstances and has been treated differently.

And I understand why people are wary about ascribing ‘human’ qualities to AI characters, given the track record of a lot of science fiction, and the reasons a lot of people might relate to AI characters in particular. I really do. I just believe that in this particular case, with this particular character, and the themes in this particular show, it would be doing Hera a disservice to ignore these aspects of her self-identity that she so clearly canonically struggles to come to terms with, when her physicality in the finale in particular is so much a culmination of this fight to be seen - in both a literal and metaphorical sense. 

I believe the tragedy of Hera as a character is that she is written to be fundamentally human, with physical desires, physical loneliness, an internal self-image that - except under extreme circumstances - she can never show to anyone else. But one that matters to her, and that she holds onto, nonetheless.

And there’s so much more I could say. I could talk more about Hera’s connection to water, her apparent draw to the natural and tangible. I could talk about how she reads, the way she processes things through emotion and into memory. I could talk about how she phrases things in terms like “now I’m going to have a headache” and only rephrases if someone challenges her on her wording. I could talk about how, while, yes, she is technically always everywhere, it’s also established that she can be more present in one place if she wants to be (and how this connects to her learning mindfulness in canon.) I could talk about how Hera sleeps, how she dreams, how Pryce has intentionally given her nightmares and threatens her with more.

But all of those are just details. If there’s anything I’d want people to take away from this, it would be that, one, over the course of the show, I believe it becomes more and more apparent that Hera is fundamentally just an average, more-or-less human person navigating extremely abnormal and inhumane circumstances, and, two, she experiences physical loneliness. She starts off the show embittered by, and in part in denial of, these facts, and by the ways she’s been mistreated, isolated, and othered. Accepting that she’s not fundamentally different from the people around her, and therefore not intrinsically doomed, is what ultimately allows her to leave the Hephaestus with the others, and allows her to believe that building a life on Earth is possible for her.

#wolf 359 #w359 #hera wolf 359 #hera w359 #okay. it's done. it's done. #it's impossible for this to ever be as thorough and clear as i want it to be. but it's done. #thank you so much to beth for helping my organize my thoughts #it's just like. i don't know. #so many people seem to read the way hera sometimes distances herself from humanity #as a desire to be seen (and respected) as something different #but it's always in moments of loneliness and hurt. to me it reads like an expression of pain #like distancing herself before anyone else can other her #but that's just one part of it too. i can't separate my feelings about hera and humanity from my feelings about hera being trans. #anyway. honestly i'm really nervous about posting this because it's a topic that's so close to my heart #but i hope other people understand what i'm saying and find it resonates with them

[johnbly]

[obligatory job hunting is hell post]

#i applied for a thing last week that didn't ask for a cover letter #and is just like 'we'll reach out for more if your experience is a good fit etc' #and every day that goes by without word i get more nervous #like i know it's not been a long time but if i don't even get contacted for this one based purely on experience then we have a problem #like maybe i didn't get on the other ones bc my cover letter was bad (i don't think it was) or bc the experience wasn't quite right #but i thought i was a relatively good fit for this one! #and if i'm not then there's not much i can do about that because spoiler alert you need more job to get more experience! #can't really say a rejection isn't a reflection of you as a person if you're rejected purely on your experience #anyways may this post manifest a message from them soon #of course. an initial reach out is only the first step of many to actually getting a job which is a whole other issue isn't it :) #it is one of Those Nights lads #chilly chats

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[skullzy20]

I HATE HAVING NO WARFRAME SLOTS

#I say as i have like.. too many warframes #we got nova; khora prime; ash; wukong; excalibur umbra; loki; ivara; nezha and octavia #AND I DON'T WANNA GET RID OF ANY OF THEM GGHRGGHH #i just have to rely on who I use the most and sacrifice the rest to the helminth #also I'm y'know.. broke so i can't spend any money on plat.. and.... im Nervous about trading for it JSHDHSF #gonna also rely on nora night for having any warframe slots #warframe posting #sorry im going fucking crazy. can you tell i really like warframe #I promise im normal (lying)

[wild-at-mind]

I finally bit the bullet and called the GP surgery about getting a gender identity referral this morning. The way it works at mine is you can't make advance appointments, you have to ring up on the day as soon as possible after they open. Essentially you are putting your order in with the receptionist for a callback with your GP later in the day. I've never waited as long as this before, it's now 4:40pm and I got my order in for the callback at 8:30. I told the receptionist what it was about so he knows what he's calling me back about. Either he's waiting till he has time and concentration to spare, or he just plain forgot. If it's the 2nd one I'm guessing I have to do the whole calling thing again tomorrow? :S

#genuinely i'm so stressed because i'm nervous about what i'll say to him #sweating all over the place and writing weird tumblr posts #this has been the part i dreaded the most for a while because i am worried i won't be believed of why i want to transition #i can't honestly say my body brings me terrible dysphoria- though i am probably more detached from it than i realise at the moment #i've settled on explaining how long i've been thinking about this and how i've been living as a man to those closest to me for a long time #the internet told me that counts even if the mainstream narrative is stuck on the wrong body thing #so :/ #just call me already pleeeeeeease

[nebulainatree]

Girl who has severe social anxiety when it comes to talking to people online and has to close her eyes to press the send button whenever she writes a message to anyone 😔

#That girl is me btw. I am that girl #Irl I'm pretty normal when I talk to people (unless it's like super serious school stuff and then I'm a stuttering mess) #But I think my mom instilled the ''Never talk to anyone online or you'll compromise your internet safety'' into me too far #And now it's like. Debilitating. I can't send messages on private Discord servers or dm people on social media anymore #I was active on miiverse back when that uh. Like existed? Well a little active. Well actually that's an overstatement #I also was active on the Nookazon discord but like. At first I was really nervous but then I found a Business Persona that made me normal #But anyway I made this post because I've done this like twice in the past two days #Once when I was trying to finally introduce myself in a rp server I joined a month ago #And once today right now like. Sending a message to a mutual. Hi thousand yeah it's about the comment on your post lol #It took me like a whole day after seeing my mutual respond to my ask to get the courage to say like. Yayy I love emperor on their post #I feel like an anime girl saying kyun or something every time I do it so it's funny but like. It also worries me #Since we live in a very virtual world and. How am I going to make connections in the future when I'm like this #Uhh anyway. 🐙 Oo octopus emoji weehoo #Nebbie text posting #Nebbie posts #I think I kind of derailed this I meant this to be a funny meme so. RIP anyway send post *closes my eyes as I hit post now* #Send fucking post #<- I'm making this my terrible late night decision tag vents tag now. Hopefully I will not have many posts for it.

[sysig]

Nobody can tell me what to do! Even me! (Patreon)

#Doodles #Spamton #Can't believe Spamton lives in my brain now. Rude #He doesn't even pay rent he just comes through the door full speed and smacks against the adjacent wall #You might recognize that doodle of him laughing 'cause I thought it was so good that I cut it out to be a standalone #Just like the nervous David from like two years ago! Time... #His little slot chin did turn out really well tho I'm pleased with it #Since I doodled the second I have gotten a burger and fries but it wasn't Exactly what I wanted #I got to live a bit of the Bounce House at School vibe for a little while at an event catered with a food truck :) #I definitely over-ate lol but I didn't get a burger! Even tho the food truck was Americana! The onion rings were delicious #Silly minicomic pulling out the Super Crown lol #It's funny 'cause I don't usually draw Rule 63 (Ladyverse excepted) and I managed to skirt the Bowsette explosion pun(s) intended #But I started thinking about like....Spamette I guess? I have drawn her but like #She's very cursed lol I'm not sure if I'm gonna post her lol #The little devilish grin was fun to draw tho lol I basically never draw expressions like that on myself #And then finally the pathetic little worm #Of all the things from the Sweepstakes that was probably the one (1) that I wouldn't have hated vehemently that was directly Spamton #(I say hate /lh in relation to Spam but like - I still hate him lol) #I even dreamed about getting the worm! Can you believe that!! I never dream stuff like that! #I could hear Dreamself's thoughts like ''Oh hey now that drawing is for real! Cool!'' and then I woke up #So they get it but I don't lol unfair!

[n7viper]

I have spent too much brain power today on having an existential crisis about writing (again). partially that I'm exhausting a topic no one cares to discuss/a topic that has been exhausted and beaten to death (perhaps, but I don't mind when other people do that thing). also that I'm trying to allow myself to write small things with the micro prompts but then it's hard to convey what I want in few words. and then of course that I don't have the skill to convey what I want

#I am a nervous wreck today - first day back to the office #the only thing holding me together was a comm sketch (ty saif if you're seeing this - you held my brain together without knowing) #I am working on some other things in therapy and it's going well but I wish I could work on this faster #I wanna write! I wanna share! If I could bounce OC ideas off of other people I could make a lot of progress #but I'm so scared; I'm so anxious; I'm terrified people will hate me for something I say #yknow in hindsight it's funny that I was always like 'I didn't have a traumatic childhood' #as I sit here now and write a bullshit rambling post about how I can't write anything because I'm scared of people #viper pls

[newfound-selfship-archived]

sometimes it’s nearly 2 am and i feel rly impulsive after recording a song, but my nervous energy absolutely outweighs my impulsivity

and so y’all are left with this post, wondering what in the goddamn i recorded and why i’m nervous LOL

#✄ ; barking #/like.. i'm too nervous to post abt this guy #/this character i mean #/but he's eating my brain alive #/and i think i am going to cave soon #/and i really don't want to cave #/but i'm probably going to #/but i'm afraid. like really really afraid of what might happen if i cave #/let's be real nothing will probably happen #/but i still feel like there's a possibility #/that something about him/my ship with him will be somehow twisted #/and used against me #/and i am not ready to try and cope with that #/like YES this is another one rooted in my past life experiences #/and NO he is not 1:1 with his canon self #/i did not intend to ramble like this in the tags #/but this is totally the impulsivity #/my nervous energy outweighs it bc i can't say his name #/but the impulsivity is there. i can imply who he is

[trans-xianxian]

god apparently my landlord is doing an inspection on tuesday but he doesn't know that I have pets so on top of having to clean my entire apartment I'm going to have to hide all evidence of rabbits and find a place for them to go for the whole day -_-

#don't be like me kids don't like to your landlords about things that are difficult to hide #I'm not too worried abt the rats I'll just put a sheet over their cage and if he ends up contacting me abt it #I'll just be like oh sorry I didn't think I had to tell you about caged animals theres nothing in the lease about it #which isn't entirely a lie #but the bunnies. oh the bunnies are straight up just against the lease lmao #also I won't be there I'll literally be at work #which I'll have to come in late to so that I can hide all the shit I can't hide before day of and take the bunnies somewhere #hell on fucking earth #also I'm nervous that this is being done because they're selling the property #because the notice they left basically says outright its to asses the condition for sale purposes #like hopefully I'm moving soon anyway but 😬 #anyway at least I have the whole weekend to prepare #even tho I was hoping it could be a nice relaxing chill one 😑 #ghost posts #text

[lavenderlyncis]

Tw - a joke about recovery from addiction

Me: damn i can't find my work socks and now i'm way too late

Also me: yk that 500 day clean streak? Yeah lol, we should probably call in sick and get rid of that. Just to see what happens🤭🤭

#tw addiction #i called my boss CRYING and saying that i can't come in #what is wrong with me??? #I'm still sober btw #so the 500 days are still active #but it's tough #lyn is venting #sobriety is a journey #tw alcohol #tw drugs #tw sh implied #i can't think of other warnings to add #tw vent #i really am nervous about posting this

[pixiesndberries]

𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐅𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐇𝐔𝐒𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐃, 𝐉𝐉𝐊 𝐌𝐄𝐍 —

a small series of Jujutsu Kaisen men as your husband !

☆ OUR STARS : Nanami Kento, Gojo Satoru, Geto Suguru, Choso Kamo, Aoi Todo, Toji Fushiguro, and more !

━ REQUESTED BY : none

━⁠ WARNINGS : none

ෆ PIXIE'S NOTE ! : heya pookies I know it's been a while 🙏🏻 but here I am creating another series to pay off the days I wasn't posting so much —⁠ forgive me my pookies 🏃🏻‍♀️💨 we have holiday break so I'm going to grind a lot 😝

NANAMI KENTO, as your husband !

• Nanami is the perfect standard for male wife, argue with the wall —⁠ this man knows how to cook, clean his home, does his own laundry, and mostly basic life skills that most men barely know which is pretty much a big turn on.

Nanami who always supports your decision as long as it doesn't have any bad effects in your life, he respects you a lot to whatever you do in your life —⁠ he thinks that just because you are married it doesn't mean he have full possession on you, though sometimes when you asked for his opinions about your decisions in such situations he isn't shy of what he thinks.

Nanami the type of husband who will always do small and big things for you even though you can do it yourself —⁠ carrying groceries for you, helping you in the kitchen, sending you to your work, helps you clean the house, and goes to the mall with you.

; he surprisingly took the shopping bags form your hands gently "your hands will get numb, this is pretty heavy." he says with his usual tone as he looks at you softly, you can't help but to smile in his small little gestures and gosh it's making her heart melt.

"thank you, kento." you say as you gave him a big smile and pressed a kiss on his cheeks making him grin.

Nanami who is being a worrywart when you don't reply quickly when you're out with your friends late night —⁠

; kento | sent a message.

10:24 pm

kento : just got home love ❤️

kento : what time are you going home?

11:04 pm

kento : love, tell me when you're going home I'll pick you up ❤️

kento : is everything going alright?

kento : kind of worried, hope you respond soon 😅

11:07 pm

kento : please reach out to me when you can so I can pick you up ☺️

kento : I'm worried 😢

you : love I'm fine sorry, we we're drinking just a tiny bit 😭

you : you can pick me up now 🏃🏻‍♀️💨

Nanami the type of husband to use cringe emojis but you appreciate it anyways, he barely use his phone or try to use emojis —⁠ headcanon : he learned using emojis from yuji or gojo 🙏🏻 you find it silly and cute anyways.

Nanami who's phone is always filled with your photos and some sceneries with you in it —⁠ he doesn't like taking photos of himself that much though, he loves taking photos of you and look through it when he's not busy or when he misses you and he's at work.

Nanami when he learned how to use Instagram and he can't stop posting you —⁠ Gojo probably tried influencing him to use social media once and he was like no??? not until one time you took a photo of him during one of your dates and you asked him, "hey can I post this?" and of course he said yes and after that you kept posting him at some times which led him to the idea of posting you as well since he thinks you deserve it too.

; nanami.kento1990

tagged : @y/n.igcom | ❤️

itaaa.yuji and 13 others liked this post.

gojosatoru | he knows how to use Instagram 😦 ???

gojosatoru | WHO TAUGHT YOU ⁉️

itaaa.yuji | first post !!

nobaraaaa | parents 🙏🏻

Nanami who is nervous to talk about the future he wants with you — not totally nervous it's more like when you talked about kids you wanted soon with him he will always be like, "sure I also thought about that." with his usual tone but deep inside talking about it was his hyper fixation and he can't stop thinking about it.

Nanami who never in his life forget about giving you flowers in small or big occasions —⁠

; "happy mother's day." he says softly with a grin in his face as he hands you a bouquet of your favourite flowers, "kento, I'm not a mother yet." you laugh as you take the bouquet from him, admiring the flowers for a second. He never fails to make you feel happy, "maybe soon?" he chuckles then makes his way to give you a hug. "sure." you laughed and happily hugged him back tightly, exchanging I love you.

Nanami who never left by your side especially when you are not okay, he will leave his work for a day or even weeks if you really need him by your side —⁠ he will never get tired of comforting you; if you need a shoulder to cry on? He's there. He can stay all day in bed with you to make you feel better —⁠ take you out in a vacation if that's what you really need or probably do every house chores just to make you rest.

─ REBLOGS, LIKES, AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED FEEL FREE TO REQUEST!

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