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typical-simplelove · 2 years

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Illicit Affairs (M. Tkachuk)

Summary: Based off of Taylor Swift's Illicit Affairs

Author's Note: This has been a thought on my mind for so long, so I'm glad I've finally been able to put it onto paper. I wrote this today in like two hours because I just couldn't stop thinking about it, so I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think!

Warnings: implied!female reader; arranged marriages; affairs; loveless relationships; the FBI; alcohol; many Folklore references; quite angsty; not proofread

Word Count: 5.5k (including song lyrics)

Make sure nobody sees you leave Hood over your head, keep your eyes down Tell your friends you're out for a run You'll be flushed when you return Take the road less traveled by Tell yourself you can always stop What started in beautiful rooms Ends with meetings in parking lots

Despite growing up in the glitz and glamour of the American Southeast’s socialite scene, it was never something you enjoyed. While the glitz and glamor and mirrorballs and champagne were fulfilling for moments at a time, you had to force yourself to try to enjoy it. You weren’t that old when you had the epiphany that you realized that you enjoy hanging out at home in your cardigan instead of trying to build up your family’s dynasty.

If there was one thing you did enjoy, however, was meeting so many different people. Your parents owned a large corporation with offices across the world (you couldn’t tell anyone what the company actually did) and had ownership in organizations across the world. It was interesting to see the different types of people and the traditions and how they lived their lives.

Because your parents were part owners of the Florida Panthers, they were invited to the hockey organization’s charity gala, and because your parents said yes to every invitation and used it as a networking event, your parents and you attended. It wasn’t any different than any other gala you’ve attended, but for some reason, you felt at peace. Normally, you opted to exile yourself to a corner and wait for your mother to introduce you to people, but this time, you wanted to do the mingling and networking.

It was half-past seven when your friend Betty introduced you to someone before running off for a secret rendezvous with her husband. You were always slightly jealous that she found the one for her who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with but someone her parents also approved of.

“Matthew Tkachuk,” he says, extending his hand. You place your hand in his as you say your name, and an electric shock goes through your body. You look into his eyes to see if he felt it, too, but when you look into his eyes, it feels as if an invisible string has attached itself between you two and is pulling you closer.

“Hi,” you whisper, your throat suddenly dry. Your mother would say you were acting like a mad woman; socialites don’t get tongue-tied.

“Hi,” he whispers back, his hand not leaving yours.

You both don’t say anything for many more seconds as you both struggle to find the words. What were you supposed to say to someone who basically felt like your soulmate?

Meeting Matthew felt like a beach day in the early days of August when the summer still felt like summer, and the impending year didn’t feel like it was fast approaching. Meeting Matthew felt like you were born anew. He was that missing piece.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to run to the restroom quickly,” you say instantly, dropping Matthew’s hand and running away. You didn’t know what else to do or say.

True to your words, you run to the bathroom and run your hands under cold water to cool your body temperature down. By the time you feel more put together, you exit the bathroom. It’s a surprise when you see Matthew standing across the hall.

He looks up, and his eyes light up like a Christmas tree when he sees you. “I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to spook you or anything. Betty just told me that I had to meet you, and that’s it.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” you say, taking a brave step closer to him. You’re looking at him intently, and within seconds, his hands are cupping your face, and your hands move to pull him closer to you by the lapels of your jacket. You’re kissing him within nanoseconds, and it feels like everything’s functioning the way it’s supposed to.

Matthew’s kissing you passionately and forcefully, as if he can’t get enough of you, but he’s also making sure to be gentle and careful. He doesn’t want this to be just one kiss. This kiss is supposed to lead to another kiss to another to a lifetime of kisses that aren’t supposed to ever end.

When you both finally pull apart, it’s too soon.

“I hope that was okay,” he breathes out, still trying to get oxygen into his lungs.

“It was more than okay,” you whisper, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. You reach into the inside pocket of Matthew’s suit jacket and pull out his phone. You turn it on and turn it to his face to ask for his passcode. When he tells you the numbers, you give him a curious look, shocked that he told you considering he’s only known you for an hour. It feels like he’s known you for eons, though.

“It’s my mom’s birthday,” Matthew blurts out. “That’s my passcode.”

You smile as you find his contacts app and add your phone number. “I have to get back to my duties, but don’t be a stranger, Matthew.”

With another small kiss on his cheek, you hand Matthew back his phone and head back to the ballroom. For the next couple of hours, you and Matthew don’t cross paths. It’s a few hours later when Matthew comes up to you as you’re talking with Ines.

“Matthew, this is Ines,” you say as they shake hands.

“I’ll be back,” Ines tells you with a wink.

When she walks away, you give Matthew a curious smile and look at him. Before you’re able to say anything, someone walks up and wraps their arms around your waist and kisses your forehead.

“Ah, Matthew, I see you’ve met my fiancee,” Theodore says.

Matthew’s eyes go wide as he looks at you. “Fiancee?”

“Yeah,” Theodore responds. “Our parents have been friends for our entire lives, so we’ve been in each other’s orbits for years, and we fell in love and here we are.”

So, that was the story you and Theodore were going with.

“I don’t see a ring,” Matthew says, his voice choppy.

“Yeah, I didn’t pick the right ring size, so it’s currently at the jeweler's getting resized.”

“Well, congratulations, if you’ll excuse me,” Matthew announces and walks away to a different group.

It’s closer to midnight when you feel your phone buzz. It’s from an unknown number, but you know it’s Matthew. He’s asking you to meet him on the roof. Looking around to make sure that none of your family is looking, you sneak out of the ballroom and head to the roof.

“You’re engaged?” Matthew asks, enraged when you walk up to where he’s standing. “I know I just met you, but I think that should be some information I should get before I kiss you in the hallway.”

“It’s a loveless engagement,” you quickly defend.

“And?”

“It’s an arranged marriage,” you add. “My parents and his parents are basically forcing us to marry each other so that their respective companies can do a clean merge. Because I don’t have anyone else asking me to marry them, I don’t have a choice.”

“So, what, am I just something you do right before you pledge yourself to Theodore?” Matthew internally vows to never say Theodore’s name or to ever hear it come out of your mouth.

“No,” you say. “I met you, and it was like everything fit into place. Everything made sense, and that’s it. I didn’t come here tonight planning to kiss anyone but Theodore.” Matthew sneers at the name. “But you mean to tell me that what you feel between us doesn’t exist? Are you telling me that this pull that is evidently there between us isn’t there?”

“I’m not saying that,” Matthew responds. “It just would have been nice to know that you were engaged before I kissed you.”

“Understood,” you let out slowly. “You have my phone number if you ever want to talk or anything.”

With that, you head back inside, and Matthew watches you walk away, not putting up a fight. It really didn’t matter if you were engaged or not. He had to have you in his life, and he was going to find a way for it to happen.

So, he called you. And he kept on calling you because he couldn’t stay away. Phone calls turned into meeting for coffee at coffee shops on the other side of town, away from anyone who might know you. Coffee meetings turned into coffee dates with kissing. Kissing on coffee dates turned into kissing in his apartment to the point where Matthew was falling for you.

He should have stopped, but he couldn’t. That pull between you was enough for Matthew to ignore all reason that was telling him this could only end badly.

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings and longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies, and it dies, and it dies A million little times

It wasn’t often that you managed to spend the night at Matthew’s, but Theodore was out of town for work, so you didn’t have anyone to have to pretend for you. Because he didn’t have any practices or games for the entire weekend, you got to Matthew’s late Friday night after the game and plan to stay until Sunday night where you’ll prepare for Theodore’s flight home early Monday morning.

You were up early on Sunday morning as you soaked in the warmth of Matthew’s ridiculously soft blankets and the warmth his body exuded. Not wanting to detach from his grasp, you get more comfortable in his hold, and in response, asleep Matthew pulls you closer to his body.

This. This is what you thought about when you were at your apartment sleeping in a cold bed next to Theodore. You dreamt about Matthew’s body being sturdy and stable right next to you. You dreamt about the smell of Matthew’s bed sheets, and you dreamt about the way his hair smelled when he took a shower right before going to bed. You dreamt about running your hands through his hair as he tried to stay awake and talk to you after a long day. You dreamt about his arms around you as he held you.

Most of these fantasies, however, lasted for a short amount of time before you had to force yourself to pull yourself from Matthew’s hold and bed and go home. There was only a reasonable time you could get home where Theodore didn’t ask questions (and you wouldn’t ask questions when he did the same). As of late, though, you’ve been pushing how late for a while. Every time you were cuddled into Matthew’s chest on his couch or in his bed, it took more and more out of you to escape his warmth and head home. His apartment exuded warmth, and when you went back to your apartment, it was as if you were stepping into a freezer. You tried to recreate that warmth, but the only way to do it was to have Matthew there. He was the warmth in your life and the only constant source of light.

You didn’t want to ever leave him, but unfortunately, life had demands, and you had to return to them.

“Are you awake?” Matthew murmurs, his voice and eyes groggy with sleep.

“Yeah,” you admit, tightening your hold on Matthew.

“I always try to wake up earlier because I know you’re up early, but I can never do it.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, but if I’m asleep, then it means we spend less time together, and I want to squeeze in as much time with you as possible,” Matthew answers, his heart racing. There were three words that he was heavily implying, but he wasn’t going to be the first one to say them. He couldn’t. Matthew couldn’t be the one to say them. Because of the extenuating circumstances of your relationship, Matthew is always careful to guard his heart. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing that ruins it or exposes you. Matthew couldn’t offer you much because he got to love you in the shadows, but if he could offer you anything, it was the promise he’d protect your reputation because that’s all you could offer him. By coming to his apartment every few nights, you were putting your reputation and honor at risk, and while to some it may not mean that much, Matthew knows it’s absolutely everything. You’re giving Matthew absolutely everything to be with him, and he can’t ruin that, mostly because he doesn’t want to lose you.

“Every moment we’re together, whether it be asleep or awake, means everything to me, Matthew,” you answer, a nervousness in your voice. “It doesn’t matter because I love you.”

Matthew’s breath hitches in his throat. He didn’t think you’d ever say it. Matthew got to love you, but he only got to love you from the comfort of his apartment.

He didn’t respond for quite a few seconds, and you instantly started to pull away. “I understand if it’s not the way you feel and if this is just a physical thing for you. I’m sorry if I made things awkward.” Matthew doesn’t register your words until you rip yourself from his embrace and climb out of his bed; you’re changing out of his sweats and t-shirt before Matthew realizes just what happened. He lurches from the bed and rushes over to you.

“I love you, of course, I love you,” Matthew tells you wholeheartedly. “There isn’t a part of me that doesn’t love.”

He really shouldn’t have told you. It was all in secret. Matthew wanted so much more to a relationship with you than you could give, and while he’ll take the clandestine meetings every few days when he wasn’t on the road, it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. When you weren’t around, Matthew was a shell of himself; you were the light of his life and the one that kept all the colors shining bright in his life. But he loves you. Of course, he loves you. There isn’t a part of him that doesn’t love you.

The smile that overcomes your face is enough for Matthew to know he did the right thing. He chooses to push away any thoughts that you couldn’t give him the future he wanted and chooses to pretend that the minute you get into your car, you’re going to put your flashy engagement ring on. He chooses to pretend that he’s never going to be able to build a future with you.

“Don’t ever doubt that I don’t love you, okay?” Matthew continues. “There’s been this empty part of my heart that’s been throbbing for years to be filled, and I never knew what was supposed to fill that hole, and then I met you. Then, I kissed you. Then, I had you in my arm. That’s when I knew that you were that empty piece. You’re the one who fills that hole. I love you forever and ever, okay?”

“Okay” you murmur before connecting your lips with his. Oh, what he’d do to be able to kiss you in front of everyone he knows.

He only wishes he could tell you and everyone he knows that he loves you.

Leave the perfume on the shelf That you picked out just for him So you leave no trace behind Like you don't even exist Take the words for what they are A dwindling, mercurial high A drug that only worked The first few hundred times

More often than not, you initiated a meeting between you and Matthew. It worked better that way because it was easier to keep things a secret. You know that Matthew hated this system, but he knew how much was at stake for you if it was found out that you were having an affair. An affair was truly a kind word for it because you and Theodore were barely together. You two were engaged, but when it came down to it, all the relationship was a ring on your finger. You wouldn’t be surprised if he was having his own affair; you wouldn’t blame him.

When Matthew texted you saying he had to meet you immediately, you quickly brushed out an excuse, saying you were going for a run or maybe to the gym, and rushed into your car to get to Matthew’s. Your heart was racing as you thought about why he urgently needed to speak to you. Hopefully, nothing was the matter.

Once you reached Matthew’s apartment, you let yourself into his building, using the key he gave to you. Whenever you saw someone in movies aggressively push the elevator button, thinking it would arrive faster, you’d roll your eyes. That standard, however, was blown out the window as you kept pressing the elevator button. You had to get to Matthew’s side. It was impossible going the two or three days you don’t see him, but based on the nature of his text, it felt like something was off.

“Hey,” you breathe out by the time Matthew opens the door to his apartment. He roughly pulls you inside, anger fuming in his eyes. “Is everything okay?”

“No, everything’s not okay,” Matthew yells before shooting you an apologetic look when he sees you flinch. “I’m sorry.”

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” you ask. Without saying anything, Matthew pushes the wedding invitation across his kitchen island in your direction. “Shit,” you mutter under your breath.

You hummed and hawed on sending this invitation to Matthew. Obviously, considering the nature of your feelings for him and the extent of your relationship, you weren’t sure if it was appropriate for him to be there or if he’d want to be there. You weren’t even sure if you wanted him there considering the man who you were marrying is not the man you love. Ultimately, though, you ended up inviting Matthew because your family’s company was a major part of the ownership of the Florida Panthers, and this wedding was more so for business than it was for any union of love.

“Matthew,” you whisper, gingerly holding the wedding invitations.

“Why did you send this to me?” He’s justifiably getting angry again.

“You and I both know I don’t have much control over the guest list,” you pivot. While that’s true, you were given the ability to veto any options you weren’t particularly fond of.

Matthew just glares at you. “Is that so? You mean to tell me that you have no control over what happens at this wedding?”

“I mean, maybe a little bit, but Matthew—”

“Do you really expect me to go to your wedding? Do you expect me to go to your wedding and watch you marry someone else? This prick?”

“No, but—”

“Do you really, truly expect me to go to a wedding and watch you marry someone else when you should be marrying me?”

You have no response to that. You’ve never thought about marrying Matthew only because it was never an option. Whatever you and Matthew was a way for you to escape and feel love. It was a way for you to fall in love and be happy when your life’s constraints didn’t allow for it.

“I knew from the start what being with you meant and what we could and couldn’t do,” Matthew admits. “I knew I’d never be able to tell my parents that I met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with because they’d want to me you and you won’t ever be able to meet them. I knew I’d never be able to bring a date home to my siblings’ weddings because you and I can’t be together romantically outside of these walls. I knew I’d never truly get all of what I’ve ever wanted for my future because of the nature of us and your life. I knew all this, and I never asked for anything I knew you couldn’t give me. I’ve given up so much to be with you—and I know you have to—but did you really think I could give up so, so much of my happiness and watch you marry someone else?”

“I don’t know,” you whisper. His words are a spear through your heart.

“We’ve never talked about what happens when you’re officially married. Was this going to continue after you got married and had kids with this guy, or are we over the minute you get onto your parents’ private plane and leave for your honeymoon?”

“I don’t know,” you repeat. You started this relationship with Matthew because he made you feel so great and so happy and so loved. It completed your life. Now, though, it was just about to shatter to pieces.

“Was there ever the option that you and I were going to be together outside of the shadows?” he asks, a deep vulnerability in his tone. “I used to pretend that maybe you’d be able to fight back and it’d be you and me, but I have to know, did you ever think about that, too?”

“I thought about it, but it was never going to be an option,” you admit. “I thought about it when I’d fall asleep next to Theodore.”

“Don’t say his name,” Matthew spits out.

“I thought about it all the time, but I knew it’d never happen, and I’m sorry about that.”

“I think you should leave,” Matthew finally says, wiping away tears.

“Matthew—”

“This was bound to end eventually, so I guess it’s now or never, right?”

While you couldn’t expect Matthew to love you in secret for the rest of your lives, you still wanted to ask. You couldn’t justifiably ask Matthew to sacrifice everything he’s ever wanted just so you could have moments of happiness, but you still wanted to. You still wanted to try even though somewhere down the line it wouldn’t work out. Someone would end up with their hearts being shattered to pieces.

“Thank you for making these past years of my life some of my best years,” you say, walking to the door. “I wouldn’t have gotten through it without you.”

Matthew watches the door close and doesn’t say anything. He just watched the love of his life walk out the door and out of his life, and he didn’t even bother to fight. He didn’t have it in himself to fight for you because as much as he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, he can’t take the secrecy of it anymore. He wants to shout from the rooftops how much he loves you. He wants to take you back to St. Louis; he wants you to meet his family, and he wants you to sit on the couch with his sister and brother and mom and look through the old baby albums that will embarrass him, but it won’t matter because it’s you. He wants to kiss you after a successful win, and he wants to land in your arms after a tough loss. He wants to buy a home in the suburbs with you and argue over which car should be parked in the garage. He wants everything with you, and the way he’s had you isn’t enough anymore. Matthew thought it’d be enough because he’d have you, but it’s not enough anymore.

His love for you isn’t enough to keep him staying.

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings and stolen stares They show their truth one single time But they lie, and they lie, and they lie A million little times

He ended up RSVPing to the wedding. He knew he shouldn’t have said yes to going, but he knew he had to. Matthew knew (after talking to his mom) that he had to go. As much as he wanted to be the one standing at the head of the aisle as you walked down the aisle in a white dress, Matthew knows that will never happen. If he gets to see you in a white dress at least once in his life, then he’ll be content.

By the time Matthew got to the venue, the majority of the seats were taken, so he had to sit in an aisle seat. He, preferably, wanted to snag a seat somewhere in the middle back where you’d completely miss him. He didn’t want to ruin this day for you. Even though he knows you don’t want to marry Theodore (he fucking hates that name now), you still want the magic that a beautiful wedding will have. It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, and while it might be the complete opposite, seeing your illicit lover in the crowd isn’t going to be what ruins the day for you.

When the Bridal March starts echoing through the venue, everyone gets to their feet and turns to face the aisle where you’re walking down the aisle. You’re on your own. You’re not being “given away” and you’re not being “offered” like this arranged marriage is signifying. Matthew can’t help but smile at the sentiment you walking down the aisle on your own represents.

He also can’t help smiling at how beautiful you look in your dress. In all his fantasies of you and him getting married, this was the type of dress he always imagined you wearing. As much as he wants to pretend that you picked it for him, he refrains from that thought. He also chooses to ignore the pain swimming through his veins as he realizes this will be the last time he’ll ever see you.

He’s watching you intently, and you haven’t noticed him. Your eyes go from the people sitting in the crowd to Theodore. As if sensing Matthew’s intense look, your eyes quickly scan set on his. Your smile immediately widens. For the first part of the aisle, before you saw Matthew, you were wearing your “delicate, socialite” smile that will look appealing in photos. When you see Matthew, however, your smile widens, and Matthew knows it’s a smile reserved for him only.

Based on the surprise on your face, you must not have known that Matthew said yes to attending. If that was the last surprise that Matthew ever gave you, then it was one damn good surprise.

Your eyes never leave his as you continue up the altar.

“I’m yours forever,” Matthew mouths to you, and based on how quickly your chest starts moving after he says it, Matthew knows you understood it clearly. That was a much better goodbye than six months ago at his apartment.

Your eyes only leave Matthew’s once you pass him and continue making your way up to Theodore. The next ten minutes fly by as Matthew plans his escape. He won’t be going to the reception. That would hurt way too much. It would hurt watching you have the first dance with Theodore when you should be dancing with Matthew. It would hurt watching you and Theodore kiss every time the guests clinked their glasses, and it would hurt watching you and Theodore get into the limo knowing that you’d be spending the rest of your life with Theodore.

The officiant is asking for the rings to be brought up when the door to the ballroom is kicked open.

“Everybody, freeze,” someone yells. When Matthew turns back, he can see the yellow FBI written across his jacket. The FBI team rushes up the aisle to Theodore with a few breaking formations to head to a few of Theodore’s buddies and groomsmen.

“Theodore Carmichael,” the head honcho begins. “You’re under arrest for fraud and insider trading. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to a lawyer. If you can’t afford one, then it will be appointed to you.”

After Theodore is rushed out of the ballroom, many important people at Theodore’s parents’ company and your parents’ company are arrested and ushered out of the ballroom. Everyone who isn’t arrested is standing in place, shocked. When you drop the ring that was supposed to go to Theodore, Matthew hears it hit the marble floor from where he’s standing, and that’s when everything comes to him. He instantly runs up the aisle to you. He rapidly blinks at you to make sure you’re okay.

“I had no idea,” you instantly blurt out, staring straight ahead in shock. “I mean, those are some people who I thought were good people, but then the FBI just arrested them, so now I have no idea about anything.”

“Hey, look at me,” Matthew says, tipping your chin with his thumb to glance at him. “If you don’t know anything, then you should know one thing. You’ll always have me.”

“My father just got arrested,” you whisper, your eyes staring deep into Matthew’s.

“Then my father can be your surrogate father,” Matthew instantly says. “I know he’ll love to be one.”

“Matthew—”

“Let’s go, sweetheart,” your mother interrupts, pulling at your wrist.

“I don’t think so,” Matthew says and pulls you away from the arch and out of the ballroom.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to be here?” you ask when you’re finally sitting in Matthew’s car.

“You look so beautiful,” Matthew responds, ignoring your question.

“Matthew,” you say, sternly. That voice could him to do anything you asked.

“I wanted us to have a better ending than the one in my apartment,” Matthew admits.

“Matthew,” you respond, your voice softening.

“Don’t, okay? It doesn’t matter. I’m glad I was here, okay? I’ll always be here whenever you need me, okay?”

You nod. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. All I know is that I love you so much.”

Matthew’s heart lurches and warms. “All I know is that I love you so much, too, and we’ll figure it out together, okay?”

“Okay,” you reply, and Matthew starts the car. He exits the parking garage.

If someone were to tell you that you drove out of the parking garage on your wedding day in Matthew’s car instead of Theodore’s, you’d ask if the zombie apocalypse was planned to start once you left for your honeymoon. Now, though, that it’s a reality, you know that it’s only the ending you’d ever want.

And you wanna scream Don't call me "kid" Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors You know I can't see with anyone else

Epilogue

Let's start with Theodore and your father and everyone else who got arrested. After a way too long trial where the investigators laid out all of the convincing evidence, Theodore and everyone else was each sentenced to 22 years in prison. They all wanted a plea deal, but the state's attorney opted against it and went for a trial-by-jury, and the jury declared them guilty (the State's Attorney was up for reelection and knew a jury trial would boost his ratings).

Your mother wanted you to take over the reins of the company, but you said no. You didn't want anything to do with it, but you also know it would lead to your mother trying to control your life more.

After the trial ended, you stopped speaking to your mother and everyone else in your life at the time.

You moved in with Matthew two hours after the failed wedding. The FBI was already cataloging everything in your apartment, so you went to his apartment and just never left.

Matthew and you fell back in love with each other. In public, this time. You didn't have to hide how much you loved each other, and you were able to hold his hand instead of just brushing his fingers. Everything fell into place, and it all made sense.

Keith very easily said yes to being your surrogate father, and the rest of Matthew's family didn't seem to mind the baggage your life came with, and they didn't seem to mind the extent of your relationship before.

Matthew proposed to you two years after the FBI raided your first wedding. A year later, you and Matthew got married in the Tkachuks' backyard with a small ceremony and reception filled with a few close friends and family. It was the wedding you've always imagined having.

The following fall, you and Matthew bought a house in the suburbs with a two-car garage, so you and Matthew argued over whose car would be parked closest to the door (Matthew never really put up a fight, though).

It was a life that you've always wanted to have, and while it took jumping through many hoops to have it, it was worth it. Matthew changed you in ways unimaginable, and it was unexplainable how excited you were for the rest of your life with him.

And you know damn well For you, I would ruin myself A million little times

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#matthew tkachuk #claudia writes #matthew tkachuk x reader #matthew tkachuk fic #nhl fic #hockey fic #hockey #op: 2022

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random-xpressions · 1 year

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The Blue Print!

How often do you get troubled with these questions - what's my purpose on earth? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? What's the greater design? What's my role in this grand play of destinies?

If you're reading further to find out answers here, then I'm sorry, you'll never find those answers written anywhere, neither in any of the ancient manuscripts nor proposed by any of the modern day philosophers or saintly masters. For the simple reason that each individual comes with a blue print that can only be discovered by that particular individual and not anyone else. So if you're seeking to travel the entire lengths and breadths of the earth trying to find answers to the above questions, you'll only encounter failure or possibly taken for a ride by phonies & fake gurus.

However, there's one formula that I personally have adapted and though I may not be able to vouch for it to be the touchstone of success in finding those answers, to some extent this methodology aids me in getting from nowhere to somewhere. So what exactly it is?

Let's begin from the end! You see, people depart from this world in so many different ways. Some die while people literally curse them, thanking that they've left this earth. While some others depart this earth while leaving everyone else weeping for such a sad loss, as though something truly priceless & precious has been snatched away from them, an irreparable loss.

Now that's where we need to really begin our assessment. When YOU wave goodbye from this physical abode - what's the legacy you wish to leave behind? What's the permanent contribution you wish to leave in the pages of history even after decades and centuries? Where do you find your calling in leaving this earth a better place than the one in which you're right now?

Go to the finest of details - do you see yourself in a deathbed relaxing, with enough of monetary inheritance behind for your near ones, waiting eagerly for your demise to squander them once you're gone? Or is your existence more than a cheap goal of wealth accumulation that doesn't add a thing to the betterment of actual quality of life on earth?

You must begin from the end by clearly visualizing how you want to leave this world. Once that is fixed, then trust me, your every single effort right now, knowingly and unknowingly, consciously and subconsciously will be steered to that end.

Now you'll definitely find a large arena missing in between. A wide gap of oceans and deserts from where you are today to where you will eventually reach in the end. That's how it will always be. The blue print doesn't necessarily mean that you'll have the entire road map of your future. It only shows where the finishing line is and the only route to reach there is by guiding your heart to what's most demanding at the moment.

Like beautifully said, just enough light to know where I've to keep my next step. That's all that we need right now. We know our goal and the direction. Now all that we need is just enough light to place our feet. It can't be a manhole. It can't be a ditch. It can't be something sharp and thorny. It has to be a safe place that'll carry us forward and further. That's all that you need - enough insight to see what you need to do next, the most immediate and pressing call as demanded by time and the situation.

And when you start taking one step at a time, following the directives of your heart, you'll eventually be guided to that magnum opus ending which you had earlier visualised as though every atom in this universe is beautifully and amazingly guiding you to reach there.

So coming back to those questions - bother not much about them. Just see how you will wish to bid farewell to earth and to its people and where do you wish to be seen in the pages of this grand history of events.

Begin from the end and act on what's immediate - you'll do good!

Random Xpressions

#the blue print #purpose #direction #method

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riceballcatfb · 3 years

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What I get from "illicit affairs" by Taylor Swift

Not my normal content, but it seems like a lot of Furuba fans are TS fans anyway so?

I know this came out over a year ago, but I've never gotten around to doing this and it's killing me.

Note: Throughout, I will reference the narrator and the main character (MC). Since the song is in 2nd person POV, they're not the same. / is a line break.

Also, I am assuming the MC is a woman, and the other person involved is a man, but that doesn't have to be how you see it!

"make sure nobody sees you leave/ hood over your head, keep your eyes down"

So we all know this song is about an affair. This first verse sounds to me like the list of rules that the MC and the guy made for her to follow. The narrator is listening them off, so it sounds almost like a checklist to me—the main character is getting ready to go and asks herself, "okay, did I do ___?" One thing that's important is making sure no one she knows sees her with the guy.

"tell your friends you're out for a run/ you'll be flushed when you return/ take the road less traveled by/ tell yourself you can always stop"

Rules still going. It sounds to me like the MC lives with her friends as roommates, so I assume she's young, likely college-aged (at least definitely younger than the guy). So she'll have to explain how her face got red from sex somehow, and exercise is obviously a good way to do that. She's also to take a discreet way to their meeting place so she isn't seen along the way.

And she wants to believe she can stop doing this whenever she wants to. But can she really?

"what started in beautiful rooms/ ends with meetings in parking lots"

This is interesting to me. It sounds like the guy started out trying to make their affair seem special for the MC—they used to meet in fancy hotel rooms, but now he's stopped caring as much and they settle for quickies in his car.

"and that's the thing about illicit affairs/ and clandestine meetings and longing stares/ it's born from just one single glance/ but it dies and it dies and it dies/ a million little times"

clandestine: kept secret or done secretively, especially because illicit

I almost imagine the two of them meeting at some sort of public event and being attracted to each other from opposite sides of the room, but trying to hold their cards close to their chests and keep it hidden from the other person that they were looking. That obviously somehow evolved into an affair, and now whenever they look at each other, they have to make it brief and clandestine so other people (especially the guy's wife) don't find out.

The first time they looked at each other, it was really exciting for the MC—probably had all the mystery and excitement involved with looking at someone attractive and noticing them trying to look away quickly. Now, the secretive looks are tiresome. For every glance that was thrilling (born), there are many more that are just a reminder of how things are now (dies).

"leave the perfume on the shelf/ that you picked out just for him/ so you leave no trace behind/ like you don't even exist"

Rules again. This is one of my fave lines in the song because it evokes so much great imagery for me. The fact that she picked out a special perfume to wear around the guy shows me that the MC fell in love while having this affair (I assume it ends up as one of those "I'll leave my wife" situations).

I can see her getting excited to wear this perfume for him after she buys it, and then when she does, he tells her she can't—he can't come home smelling like another woman's perfume. So it stays at home, so she leaves no trace behind on him. The bottle sitting out where she can see it acts as a reminder of how she's treated. In his world, she'll never truly exist. But she can always stop, right?

"take the words for what they are/ a dwindling mercurial high/ a drug that only worked/ the first few hundred times"

mercurial: (of a person) subject to sudden or unpredictable changes of mood or mind.

Still rules. When you lie, there are a lot of rules to try and keep straight.

I can imagine that the MC used to analyze his words, like many girls do when they're in love—"why did he call me that?" "why did he use that word?" etc. But as they get farther into this, she's realizing that he doesn't really mean it. Cute nicknames mean nothing, declarations of love mean nothing.

So she just takes them for what they are now—things said to make her feel good in the moment, not to be taken seriously. Even that started out being thrilling, but it's just hard to bear now—it's never enough, she wants more, but she knows that high from the beginning of the affair won't come back.

"and that's the thing about illicit affairs/ and clandestine meetings and stolen stares/ they show their truth one single time/ but they lie and they lie and they lie/ a million little times"

Back to the secretive stares. I'm not quite sure what to make of the stares "lying," so not much to say here.

"and you wanna scream/ don't call me kid, don't call me baby"

It seems like we're at present day here, instead of the listing of rules like before. The bridge seems to me that, when she meets up with him today, the guy's trying to break things off and the MC is hysterical (the music swells and the background vocals become louder here, representing the MC's mental turmoil). Even though part of her knew this was coming, it still hurts like a motherfucker.

He has nicknames for her, and he's trying to call her by them to calm her down. Probably some of the words she's had to "take for what they are." The use of "kid" as a nickname also makes me think again that the guy is far older than the MC.

"look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/ you showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else"

She's thinking of reasons she could theoretically give as to why he can't stop seeing her. I really like the use of the word "godforsaken" here. Cheating is considered very taboo, of course, especially within protestant religions (bc the bible or some shit said it, idk I don't read it lol). God knows what she's been doing, and he's going to forsake her for this. The guy can't leave—if he actually broke it off with his wife and decided to be with the MC, it wouldn't be wrong anymore, right?

He also made her see life differently, in different colors, than she did before. If he leaves, how is she supposed to adjust to the loss of those colors?

"don't call me kid, don't call me baby/ look at this idiotic fool that you made me/ you taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else"

Similarly to the line about what God thinks of this, what are other people going to think if they find out? She's going to look like an idiotic fool to everyone. Because that's how we all see the other woman in situations like this—"He said he was going to leave his wife? How naive. She should have known better."

I assume secret language is similar to how he taught her to see the world differently. Within relationships, we all develop inside jokes, and terms of endearment, etc., that won't carry over to other relationships in the future. Additionally, I think back to all the rules here—those can be a secret language in and of themselves.

"and you know damn well/ for you I would ruin myself/ a million little times"

(aside: love how firm Taylor's voice gets here. The MC is mad.)

Even after all the hell he's put her through, the MC would come back without hesitation. She knows it, and so does he. Even though it would destroy her—shatter her heart because she's in love with him, and chip away at her integrity until there's nothing left—she'll come running if he ever calls again. Because she could never really stop, all along.

#taylor swift #taylor nation #swifties #folklore #folklore taylor swift #illicit affairs #song analysis #analysis #lyric analysis #long post

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kimxblht-17 · 4 years

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𝙌𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙃𝙪𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙚

Let’s not lose hope in humanity, instead live to help others. we are able to make a difference"

What does hope for humanity really mean?

According to the urban dictionary Hope for humanity is a beautiful thing and might create peace. Sadly it disappeared years ago. and is solely employed in when exaggerating. Humanity is what keeps us alive int his world. It shows our love for our fellow people human being, there are all kinds of individuals on earth good or bad but you as somebody's should never lose your hope from humanity. Hope is an optimistic state of mind that's supported an expectation of positive outcomes with relevancy events and circumstances in one's life or the globe at large. Humanity is that the mankind, which contains everyone on Earth. it's a virtue related to basic ethics of altruism derived from the human condition. It also symbolizes human love and compassion towards one another. Humanity differs from mere justice therein there's tier of altruism towards individuals included in humanity more so than the fairness found in justice. That is, humanity, and thus the acts of affection, altruism, and social intelligence are typically individual strengths while fairness is usually expanded to any or all. Humanity could even be classed united of six virtues that are consistent across all cultures.

Why does Humanity is Important?

We all people have a unique religion. Religion could even be a broad entity that has to add some higher purpose to one’s life and keep you grounded. it is not just a group of rules and teachings that you simply simply simply must devote your life to. It’s what you take from any religion that’s important. All religions give the teachings of affection, peace and unity so as for us to assist one another and humanity. It should be something to believe, and not just something to define our very actions and thoughts. the foremost important requirement is peace. Where there's peace there's abundance. on behalf of me the foremost important religion is humanity, during this world full of chaos we'd like humanity and being an honest individual defines you everywhere. All that you just simply just must work upon is being helpful to the needy within the smallest amount times and each place. Being loving and caring towards all living beings even plants and animals, and particularly to understand another person’s problem and realize the situations they're in and be considerate. Humanity means caring for and helping others whenever and wherever possible. Humanity means helping others sometimes once they need that help the foremost, humanity means forgetting our selfish interests occasionally when others need our help. Humanity means extending unconditional opt to each and each living being on Earth. If eating and having fun is solely what we are born to try and do and do, then we must always keep one thing in mind even animals can do that. One doesn't need a hefty checking account to contribute towards and humanitarian activities. There are lots of humanity that we are ready to make even during an easy doing like, paying our servant fairly is additionally humanity. Lifting the heavy bag for an old woman is humanity, helping a disabled person to cross the road is humanity, helping our mother in chores is humanity, helping our classmate to understand the lesson, within the end helping anyone who is in need is humanity. As soon as we understand the importance of humanity in day to day life, the aim that we are on Earth is automatically fulfilled.

Humanity features a great Impact

In spite of positive changes in recent decades, conflicts still rage in many of our countries. Attacks on civilian populations and objects are commonplace. many thousands of individuals are forced to travel away their homes. International humanitarian law is typically flouted. Highly destructive natural disasters still shatter the lives of giant numbers of individuals. New and old diseases cause widespread suffering. Health services and social and economic systems struggle to pander to increasing demands. The weakest round the world still suffer most.

In the face of this we commit ourselves:

-to bring real help and luxury, wherever it's needed, to save {lots of|to avoid wasting} to avoid wasting lots of and improve the lives of millions;

-to reinforce our collective commitment to international humanitarian law;

-to campaign for human dignity and thus the responsibility of every one in every people to assist others, without discrimination, to mitigate the implications of disasters and war;

-to support the ample organization and Red Crescent volunteers across the planet who daily embody the humanitarian commitment.

“The power of humanity” is that the strength of individual commitment and also the force of collective action. Both must be mobilized to alleviate suffering, ensure respect for human dignity and ultimately create a more humane society.

These are some Ways to demonstrate Humanity in line with Leo Babauta:

Too often the trend in our society is for people to be separated from either other, to be discontinue from the great mass of humanity, and in doing so to be dehumanized a touch bit more with each step. Cars have taken us off the streets, where we accustomed greet each other and stop to speak. Cubicles have detached atiny low amount of the humanity in working, as have factories and even computers to some extent. Television has planted us firmly in our living rooms, instead of out with others. Even movie theaters, where many of us get together, cut us aloof from true conversation because we’re viewing an enormous screen. And while I’m not railing against any of these inventions (except perhaps the cubicle), what we must guard against is that the tendency of that individuality to have us focused on ourselves to the exclusion of our fellow personalities. The tendency towards selfishness rather than giving, on helping ourselves rather than helping our brothers and sisters in humanity. I’m not saying we’re all like that, but it can happen, if we’re not careful. So retaliate against the selfishness and greed of our present, and psychoanalysis a fellow soul today. Not next month, but today. Helping a fellow person, while it'll be inconvenient, includes some humble advantages:

-It makes you to feel better about yourself; -It connects you with another person, a minimum of for a flash, if not for life; -It improves the lifetime of another, a minimum of a little;

-It makes the world a more robust place, one little step at a time;

-And if that kindness is passed on, it can multiply, and multiply. So take just a few minutes today, and do a kindness for yet one more person. It are often something small, or the start of something big. Ask them to pay it forward. Put a smile on someone’s face. Don’t know where to start? Here’s a very incomplete list, just to induce you thinking, I’m sure you will be able to come up with thousands more if you're thinking that about it. -Smile and be friendly. Sometimes a straightforward little thing like this could put a smile and warm feeling in someone else’s heart, and make their day a small amount better. they might then do the identical for others.

-Call a charity to volunteer. You don’t must move to a charity today. Just search the number, make the choice, and make a rendezvous to volunteer sometime within the subsequent month. it'll be whatever charity you want. Volunteering is one in every of the foremost amazing stuff you'll do.

-Donate something you don’t use. Or a complete box of somethings. Drop them off at a charity, others can put your clutter to good use.

-Make a donation. There are many ways to donate to charities online, or in your area people. instead of buying yourself a replacement gadget or outfit, spend that benefit an exceedingly more positive way. -Redirect gifts. instead of having people provide you with birthday or Christmas gifts, ask them to donate gifts or money to a selected charity.

-Stop to help. the subsequent time you see someone pulled over with a tire, or somehow in need of help, stop and ask how you'll help. Sometimes all they need could also be a push, or the use of your movable.

-Teach. Take the time to point out someone a skill you recognize. this may be teaching your grandma to use email, teaching your child to ride a motorbike, teaching your co-worker a valuable computer skill, teaching your spouse the thanks to clean the darn toilet. OK, that last one doesn’t count. -Comfort someone in grief. Often a hug, a helpful hand, a kind word, a listening ear, will go a protracted way when someone has lost a beloved or suffered some similar loss or tragedy.

-Help them take action. If someone in grief seems to be lost and doesn’t know what to do and do, help them do something. It may be making funeral arrangements, it is making a doctor’s appointment, it would be making phone calls. Don’t hump all yourself allow them to require action too, because it helps within the healing process.

-Buy food for a homeless. Cash is sometimes a foul idea if it’s visiting be used for drugs, but buying a sandwich and chips or something like that's a good gesture. Be respectful and friendly.

-Lend your ear. Often someone who is unhappy, depressed, angry, or frustrated just needs someone who will listen. Venting and talking through a problem could be a huge help.

-Help someone on the sting. If someone is suicidal, urge them to urge help. If they don’t, call a suicide hotline or doctor yourself to induce advice.

-Help someone get active. someone in your life who wants to induce healthy might need a aid offer to travel walking or running together, to affix a gym together. Once they start, it can have profound effects. -Do a chore. Something small or big, like cleaning up or washing a car or doing the dishes or cutting a lawn.

-Give a massage. only appropriate in fact. But a massage can go an extended thanks to making someone feel better. -Send a pleasant email. Just a fast note telling someone what quantity you appreciate them, or how proud you're of them, or simply saying many thanks for something they did. -Show appreciation, publicly. Praising someone on a blog, ahead of coworkers, before of family, or in another public way, may be a good way to form them feel better about themselves.

-Donate food. Clean out your cupboard of tinned goods, or buy a pair bags of groceries, and donate them to a homeless shelter.

-Just be there. When someone you recognize is in need, sometimes it’s just good to be there. Sit with them. Talk. support if you'll be able to. -Be patient. Sometimes people can have difficulty understanding things, or learning to try and do something right. Learn to wait and see with them.

-Tutor a baby. This may well be difficult to try and do today, but often parents can’t afford to rent a teacher for his or her child in need of help. Call a faculty and volunteer your tutoring services.

-Create a care package. Soup, written language, tea, chocolate, anything you're thinking that the person might need or enjoy. Good for somebody who is sick or otherwise in need of a pick me up.

-Lend your voice. Often the powerless, the homeless, the neglected in our world need someone to talk up for them. You don’t must tackle that cause by yourself, but join others in signing a petition, speaking up a council meeting, writing letters, and otherwise making a requirement heard.

-Offer to babysit. Sometimes parents need a prospect. If a fan or other dearest in your life doesn’t get that chance fairly often, call them and offer to babysit sometime. founded an arrangement. It can make an enormous difference.

-Love. Simply finding ways to precise your like to others, whether or not it's your partner, child, other friend, friend, co-worker, or a whole stranger, just express your love. A a form word, spending time, showing little kindnesses, being friendly, it all matters quite you recognize.

The purpose of life isn't to be happy. it's to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to own it make some difference that you simply have lived and lived well. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

https://zenhabits.net/25-ways-to-help-a-fellow-human-being-today/

@queenlupitajones

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