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#but when im sober? god forbid if i am Forced to be sober?
3knecrotic · 11 months
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I. Am so. Fucking. Conflicted.
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mustang theory (ch09)
guys im being so serious rn. im so scared to post this. but bee is being wonderfully supportive (as usual <3) and i am going to be. so very Brave. this may not be coherent, but...i hope it makes some sort of sense ok. anyways here is the theory for ch09:
mike and will leave the camp dance early bc of Bad Memories and/or they would rather just be making out (which is. fair) 
(fearless lore is referenced throughout but also will be theorized/posted about separately) 
this would be proven by the references to wish you were sober by conan gray (yes ik it’s not in relation to ch09 but. this part Could Happen at the end of ch08…just saying). 
this specific theory is fueled by the weird eureka moment i had regarding this post. is this a reach? yes. do i fucking care? no.
they take mike’s car, despite will’s grumblings abt his stupid fucking mustang.
ch01 im staring. Directly at you. shut up. shut up. i hear what you’re saying and i just can’t listen right now okay. ch01 we’ll get back to you i prommy
“Also, God forbid I have to leave the grounds in Mike Wheeler’s stupid fucking Mustang more than once this summer," he adds, nearly spitting. (ch01)
need i say more.
also this would totally be building more on their trust....plus probably some references from follow the sparks that i don't know off the top of my head
also could have been foreshadowed by ch02…when will refused to get into mike’s stupid. fucking. mustang. just saying….
ch02 is also biggest fearless lore references we have that i can think of but that is for another time
“Don’t tell me you’re driving that thing,” Will scoffs, eyeing Mike’s car in trepidation, eyes sweeping along the length of the racing stripes. (ch02)
...forcing Will to declare a lesser of two evils: throwing dignity to the wind and accepting a ride in the Mustang — the undeserving bane of Will’s existence...(ch02)
CAR EMOJI !!!!
this chapter is “thea’s baby”. well thea is also the resident car expert.
im literally so funny for this sorry not sorry im cracking myself up ->
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either something happens between them and they end up pulled over OR something happens to the stupid fucking mustang
THIS could be that one post thea made…which could have been totally innocent OR it could have been COMPLETELY SINISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OUT TO GET US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! putting on my tinfoil hat
smth happens between them...backseat driver will (mentioned in ch02) as well as the stupid. FUCKING how to drive manual that's been driving me INSANE the past couple of days (found here.)
side note: thea i love you but you are driving me Bonkers (mwah <3)
alternative to the above point is that mike pulls over to 1) make out with will (again. which is again. fair.) 2) chat with will about what they Are
option 2) would require some sort of shift in their relationship/situationship beforehand…im thinking this could mean you know that i caught it could take place BEFORE or DURING ch9… this could be the They Know motif coming to a head (meaning everybody. they Know for real this time. and now mike’s confused about it. “what are we?” talk from ch05 but times a million)
“save me ‘till the party’s over/kiss me in the seat of your rover”
^^ regarding this. i wrote all of this before i rediscovered that wish u were sober has nothing to do with ch09 (supposedly). im just too lazy to change it bear with me please.
will gets mad at mike for some reason?
if the original point made (something happens to the stupid fucking mustang) ends up happening, this could be will’s breaking point bc he’s overwhelmed and panicked and stuff is happening too fast for him
ch09 is a will pov chapter.
also frustrated crier (some ask about ch04 that i need to find to link before this gets posted)…just saying.
will gets mad at mike continued and reverts back to his I Need to Hurt You phase bc it’s safe and he doesn’t know how to handle the UNDOUBTEDLY romantic feelings n thoughts he’s having about mike…
he’s scared of getting hurt again like he was with derek and he’s scared of the unfamiliar territory that comes with being nice to mike/having mike be nice in return
This type of gentleness is certainly a facet of Will that Mike has known, having seen it more than a handful of times over the years, but it’s not quite one he’s accustomed to. (ch06)
this ^^ goes both ways i assume...there's gotta be evidence abt it in a will pov chapter but i am. exhausted.
he lashes out at mike that they aren’t anything, they’re just a casual fwb situationship, etc. 
wow would you look at that…this is paralleling the fearless lore theory…
cue "straight up" by paula abdul for mike pov (i've been a fool before/wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slammin' door/how about some information, please? // straight up now tell me/do you really want to love me forever oh, oh, oh/or am I caught in a hit-and-run?/straight up now tell me/is it gonna be you and me together oh, oh, oh/or are you just having fun?)
“Hit-and-run” CAR IMAGERY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
"straight up" by paula abdul is on mike's driving playlist and i've been going insane about it since i saw it. btw. i love this song.
mike's unsure abt what they Are/what will is thinking so he reverts to the childish fighting thing too...pushing will's buttons is second nature for him by this point...evidence for this in a mike pov i will find later prommy
this is also wish you were sober coded “trip down the road, walking you home/you kiss me at your door/pullin’ me close, beg me ‘stay over’/but im over this roller coaster/imma crawl out of the window now/gotten good at saying ‘gotta bounce’/honestly you always let me down/and i know we’re not just hanging out”
first half here. could be about how mike is begging will for a relationship. but will is “over the rollercoaster” and the push and pull of their friendship to rivalry to fwb situation. 
second half here. will’s metaphorically leaving mike (crawling out the window). he’s “gotten good at saying ‘gotta bounce’” bc he’s done this to mike Before when they kissed when they were thirteen…i Think (fearless lore theory). “honestly you always let me down” could be a reference to. will being angry with mike for not just being happy with their fwb, even though he wants more too? “i know we’re not just hanging out” come ON this is will saying he KNOWS THEY CANT JUST BE CASUAL. HE LITERALLY SAYS THIS IN CH05 I BELIEVE. OR MIKE DOES IN CH06. THEY CAN’T BE ANYTHING BUT EACH OTHERS EVERYTHING. 
^^ literally kill me now i can't believe none of this is related. curling up into a little ball and sobbing.
this would be the beginning of the Angst that’s a 3-4 on a scale of 10 bc we know they're both idiots just miscommunicating But. hey.
so that's uh. that's the outline of the Theory we currently have...it's our most fleshed out one rn fs but there are a few Others that were referenced here that we need some more information on...
anyways. thanks for being insane with us. <3
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Charlie & Ronnie
Charlie: You said you were coming to this thing
Charlie: can I send your apologies instead now?
Charlie: 👍
Ronnie: you wish
Ronnie: ill be there like i said
Charlie: Time management was never one for the CV
Charlie: but you’re already more than fashionably late, dear
Ronnie: &
Ronnie: invite came from mckenna and he dont care
Charlie: It’s not his dinner party
Ronnie: no shit
Ronnie: its not yours either calm down like
Charlie: I’m just saying, you’ve wrangled an invite as is
Charlie: you’re gonna make it more awkward because?
Ronnie: if shes not got you working the door now as another favour why the fuck are you so bothered is what im just saying mary
Charlie: They’re nice kids, whatever beef you’ve got with your brother and the rest, I don’t see why you’ve got to involve them, is what I’m saying
Charlie: they’ve not got fuck all to do with your family drama
Ronnie: err he ll be made up dont you want me to be a boss big sister
Charlie: the kid clearly has his own issues
Charlie: I could spot codependent and toxic before you could walk, don’t lie to me, like
Ronnie: cant walk now so stall the starters or dont
Charlie: For fuck’s sake Veronica
Ronnie: you wanted the truth bitch
Charlie: You can’t show up here high
Charlie: they’ll be terrified, might call the cops
Ronnie: showing up sober is what i cant do
Charlie: don’t you think you should take a break from him
Charlie: whatever you decide to do after, you need to calm it down
Ronnie: it was you who said not to act like he werent about
Charlie: yeah, you can’t pretend it hasn’t happened obviously
Charlie: but that was before you shot him up
Ronnie: and after you told me to look after him
Ronnie: make up your fucking mind baby
Charlie: What would be preferable is you not fucking doing it
Charlie: really should go without saying
Ronnie: it fucking wouldnt
Ronnie: you cant hack living with me on gear how do you reckon itd be with me off it
Charlie: I meant dosing a kid, ‘cos there’s no way it happened the once
Charlie: and there are options for you, for free on the glorious NHS for now
Ronnie: you meant both 🖕 he werent a kid when you wanted to fuck him
Charlie: Not the same is it
Charlie: someone can be old enough for sex and not old enough for you to ruin their life
Ronnie: love ya for the flattery but his life was fucked before he found me
Charlie: was he using
Ronnie: youre the only cunt i know who reckons hes above it even B uses 💊
Charlie: yeah because there aren’t levels to it
Charlie: come off it
Charlie: the 💊s he takes aren’t on the level of smack, at all
Ronnie: mckenna aint never gonna let you daddy him you can stop pretending to give a shit
Charlie: I give a shit because you’re a mess
Charlie: more than usual
Ronnie: i dont usually have to babysit any bastard half brothers like
Charlie: you’re choosing to come tonight though
Ronnie: i owe him after that call centre bullshit
Charlie: and that’s it?
Ronnie: what the fuck else would it be
Charlie: You tell me
Ronnie: i just did
Charlie: Alright then
Ronnie: [show up so he can judge the absolute state of you IRL and have to make allowances for that and how rude you are]
Charlie: [we all know how this goes, feel his shame and judgment in how much work we have to do to cover up your behaviour]
Ronnie: [how offended and upset she would be that he's ashamed of her is killing me because how could he not be babe]
Charlie: [oh honey, like what else could we be lol]
Ronnie: [the real question is have you picked up on the jealous and intense incesty vibes yet boy or what do you think is happening lol]
Charlie: [If anyone would pick up on it, we know you and your possessive energy]
Ronnie: [yeah that was my thought cos he knows her the best and they have their own weird history and vibe so]
Charlie: [he’s obvs not going to talk to you right now because mad and also like !!! but feel free to do some if you wanna]
Ronnie: [gonna have her try and talk to him when Jamie is talking to Joe for obvious reasons lol but before we’re bleeding]
Ronnie: you can lord it you were right but lets bail yeah
Ronnie: charlie come ed soft lad
Ronnie: what you ignoring me for 🖕💔
Ronnie: fucks sake
Ronnie: [after the briefest pause because he won’t immediately reply to her just gotta go into graphic detail about that OD she had in Margate before Joe got there cos he can clearly see all the self harm that’s going on but she wouldn’t have told him about this until literally now]
Charlie: [just a look like DON’T that cannot be overstated]
Charlie: why would you do that
Ronnie: can we fucking go now
Charlie: you can
Charlie: don’t use your self-destruction to hold me hostage, you’re beyond too old for that now, Jesus fucking Christ
Ronnie: [this makes logical sense to be where Sophie pops up with the kitchen roll etc and then bathroomgate so all of that is kicking off]
Charlie: [just out here doing the most to cover for you]
Charlie: what the fuck are you doing
Ronnie: [because they are doing the most in that tiny bathroom LOL you can have a reply once she’s left]
Ronnie: leaving
Ronnie: youre welcome
Charlie: yeah, you did me such a solid there, tah
Ronnie: you too florence dead caring
Charlie: you can’t hack a kid’s dinner party?
Ronnie: fuck you
Ronnie: you know whats wrecking my head
Charlie: yet you can’t leave him alone
Charlie: how the fuck can I do anything if you won’t do that
Ronnie: you werent gonna do fuck all end of
Ronnie: youve not
Charlie: you aren’t a kid, I can’t force you to sort your life out
Ronnie: yeah cos being like you will save me
Charlie: I’m not OD’ing with strangers
Ronnie: 💔 everyone liked you better when you were using
Charlie: you did
Charlie: and that isn’t a good enough reason to be a junkie forever
Ronnie: no shit i did
Charlie: well I’m so sorry your majesty
Charlie: God forbid I sort my life for me
Ronnie: nobody but you gives a fuck you stopped snorting lines out of every twinks arse crack
Ronnie: god forbid you shut the fuck up about it and this recovery bullshit
Charlie: you clearly give a fuck, Ronnie
Ronnie: you give more of a fuck about mckennas flatmates than you do about me
Charlie: that’s bullshit
Charlie: you only came to ruin their night, you got mad when it weren’t going your way
Charlie: you expected me to help?
Ronnie: i dont give a shit about these teenagers
Ronnie: im losing it and you reckon theyre on my mind
Charlie: Is ruining his life going to fix yours
Charlie: no
Ronnie: youve never had to hack this dont fucking tell me how to
Charlie: because you’re the only one who has family issues
Charlie: fuck you, you know I’d give anything to be in your spot
Ronnie: if i could swap our places i would
Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking be here doing this with him & you aint even tried to get your head round that
Charlie: in what world does it need to be like this
Ronnie: the world im living in where the fuck is your head at
Charlie: why can’t you just fucking
Charlie: cut him off or actually try
Ronnie: this is me trying
Ronnie: i didnt hang myself off the back of their bathroom door
Charlie: then you need to stop
Charlie: I’ll tell him to leave you alone now
Ronnie: hes gonna do that now without you flouncing in
Charlie: I’m still doing it, you ain’t here to stop me
Ronnie: hot but you still aint his type
Charlie: not funny
Ronnie: not joking
Charlie: don’t be tapped, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him now
Ronnie: stick your dick where you like i dont give a fuck
Charlie: yeah well I’m slightly more discerning, tah very much
Ronnie: these days
Charlie: yeah, where we live now
Charlie: I’m not trying to relive my worst years every weekend
Ronnie: yeah such a grown up youre having dinner with kids
Ronnie: save this little speech to pull the wool over the eyes of whatever wool homo youre gonna try and pull at the weekend
Charlie: I never said I was there yet
Charlie: better than the state of you
Ronnie: 🖕💔
Ronnie: state of me yeah after whats just happened youve seen fuck all yet soft cunt
Charlie: that’s the sound of me being unimpressed
Charlie: grow up
Ronnie: shut up properly by getting out of my fucking face
Charlie: I’m going out
Ronnie: with your new bezzies
Charlie: what’s it to you
Ronnie: youre not a junkie and youre still the most selfish cunt i know have a word with yourself
Charlie: because I’m not jumping to do exactly what you want, no matter how dumb or shit an idea it is
Charlie: yeah, I’m the problem, alright babe
Ronnie: you reckon you wanna be in my place so bad but you cant even hack it from there
Ronnie: since when have i gotta beg for help off you
Charlie: I wouldn’t act like a dick if anyone from my family reached out
Charlie: and what help? You haven’t asked for help, you wanted me to help you shit on some random kids to make you feel better for 10 seconds
Charlie: if you actually told me anything seriously, if you wanted help and not just someone to get high with
Ronnie: i wanted to fucking leave & cos i didnt its pure fucked now
Ronnie: i am my head is worse than before and you dont give a single shit
Charlie: what did you do
Ronnie: like fuck are you getting the gossip
Charlie: gossip are you serious
Charlie: ‘cos this either is and I’m the shittest mate in the world or it isn’t and it’s ‘gossip’
Ronnie: shittest mate is right weve established it
Charlie: what did you do
Ronnie: fuck you its your fault
Charlie: then tell me what I did bitch
Ronnie: i told you we shouldve gone
Charlie: okay, we should’ve gone
Charlie: go on
Ronnie: you were there
Charlie: yeah, and I was covering for you
Ronnie: yeah well done
Charlie: you say that like I’m meant to know what the fuck you were doing, is my point
Charlie: i was a little busy sorting your mess
Ronnie: you had a cob on over that mess and the one im in after it is loads fucking worse so theres fuck all you can sort for me now
Charlie: calm down and stop being dramatic
Charlie: just tell me and we’ll sort it
Ronnie: fuck off
Ronnie: thank christ i dont need you to calm down
Ronnie: [gonna go get messy obvs so she probably won't reply but if you wanna try go ahead hun]
Charlie: yeah, smack has served you SO well thus far
Charlie: what a great idea
Charlie: come on
Charlie: oh, the silent treatment in return, really
Charlie: very mature
Charlie: I’ll see you when I get home
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vaughnye-west · 6 years
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today’s brain narrative
June 11 2018  - well here I am in Lola trying to apply to some jobs and find some work. Garrett just called inviting me to postinos to celebrate scottie becoming official at her new job, with  sokme wine and cheese and brushcetta however the fuck you spell that. Asked me if I wanted to bring a friend and I don’t really have anyone to bring, and I think they were kind of insinuating a lady friend, which that is just as far as a regular fucking friend, as I have neither. But so it goes. Need to strive to make friends and meet people and meet new people as painful and scary as that may be to actually talk to some one and be whoever the fuck I am and bear myself. But it cant be worse than I am right now, a lonely fucking mess confined to a fucking apartment. Holy fiuckinng shit vaughn cmon. pursue your dreams-what fucking dreams are those? hell if i know. idk what im supposed to be doing at all on a given day, so unsure am I of the fucking being and living situation I am in I barely remember to feed and bathe myself let alone see people meet people and be interesting to other peoples lives. Really am going to try to not be a downer hanging out with them this evening though I am feeling pretty fucking sad today, especially since I haven’t had my daily escape, my daily toke. Not to mention they are playing bon iver or some other emotional mellow shit in here to make it seem even more gloomy than it fucking is. How weird is it to be sitting in this coffee shop with not that many people, all sitting at different tables and not talking to each other, cause god forbid you fucking talked to someone you didn’t know. Shiiit. What I journaled about earlier today is important though, taking a break from pot smoking so I can address the awful things in my life that are making me so upset and unhappy. When I hang out with garrett and scottie I am never coming up with the plan or taking the initiative. It is always them. But why is it that way? I am just as capable of inviting them over to my place for some catan or some shit as going over there, or inviting them out to a bar or to coffee or whatever. Its this weird thing in my head that I don’t want to impose or something, im lonely as fuck but have difficulty reaching out to people that I even fucking love. Like whats up twith that? Why do I feel that way? It has been a while since I have had a caffeine induced writing frenzy in here, but high time. First sober day as in not smoking in a fucking while. Seriously though this music is too goddamn emotionall practically making me want to cry right now. What you like and dislike, what you think is cool is determined by your immediate social structure, and it is really hard to figure out what is cool and interesting if you are by yourself all the titme, its difficult without that social structure to determine my wants and desires, to strive for more experiences. I need to be more confident in myself and my perceived passions though, pursuing them even if there are no fucking friends to share the cool shit im doing with. Do cool shit alone, its not that crazy. Im so young. Im so fucking young and could do so many things and yet I feel almost disabled…no not the right word, like paralyzed or petrified at the sheer possibility of it all. Really need to begin networking and message people that I want to create with. To even have the ability to possibly create with. God I feel like im in this constant state of stress of not living up to something I guess, like a job or my parents expectations or my personal expectations. I mean maybe you do a job you don’t like for a little while, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world you’ve done it before in zion working the goddamn cashier like a fucking monkey, you could do more shit you don’t like to do. Or you could just do shit you do like to do. What is the worst that could happen, really? What if you pursued it full force. Maybe part of the pressure or despair I feel is that I ma not doing that, pursuin it full force. Think about rory standing outside rob dyrdeks fantasy factory…are you ready to be that level of crazy? Don’t think so. You gotta be willing to put yourself out there and take some big risks, that’s fucking life! Your 22 fucking years old grow the fuck up aready and start doing shit you want to do, life is to short to do shit you don’t fucking want to do so you need to get off your ass and pursue it for sucks sake stop playing fuckinng videogames you piece of shit. It is no good to demean yourself and I know that but fucking come the fuck on goddamnit. You’ve been living the same fucking hellish day over and over again for no reason, you have the power to change it yet you just don’t. it is perplexing like why don’t I do that? How do I do that? I need some people to bounce ideas off of and go out with and meet people and not be alone. Feel like im going fucking crazy im so goddamn lonely right now. I need some sense of purpose in life some fucking drive cause right now I don’t really have any. Im not sure what to do. Ive never been more unsure in my life. Yet I have to do something to provide for myself. But what is that? What will make me fulfilled and less fucking lonely? That is the biggest problem right now-----oh just had a realization, I feel so lonely and that is because I play videogames watch youtube and Instagram and jack off. Stop. Those three things well four if you count weed im giving up for a bit to focus on real life. Ill use ig to post and that’s it. Need to buckle down and be judicious of how I spend my time. What are things I don’t like about myself that I keep doing? Well, jacking off playing video games and browsing through youtube and Instagram are paramount to all of those. So I have a stop doing list. Whats next…going to look up the start doing list now from tim ferris or whoever the fuck wrote it. What I was saying back there a little bit though is that when I am in social situations part of me wants to have accomplished some awesome creative work to share with them and for them to be like wow vaughn so cool youre so cool. Its like you can be a work in progress with people you can be yourself this is a self imposed idea of perfection or something to yourself. Like let yourself be social and be in the moment. Be in the fucking drivers seat-go meet people and talk to them and see what theyre like, see if they like to take photos and videos and don’t be so fucking sheepish about it, just get into your soul and realize this is what you want to do and want to be, and don’t second guess yourself in that moment. Have that microsecond of courage to do it. Like when you ask a girl out and the words are caught in your throat and then they tumble out somehow through you, they just happen through that microsecond of courage that you had. Why am I too goddamn shy. Its kind of like I have some turmoil in my belly or something that I need to be doing something but am not sure what im supposed to be doing. Fuck I hate that feeling.
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