#but personally i just hate the thought of anyone thinking i've copied someone's idea when i haven't 😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

delusionaid · 8 days

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✖☠♢☢✿ teehee <333

salty munday meme

You just want to see the world burn~

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?

My gods, where do I start? When I started we all had ridiculous URLs with 4 dashes in each, we all used random huge gifs as reactions, nobody formatted anything or used small text, and a LOT of people I knew were actually in RP groups and not independent blogs. None of the common staples of RP now were a thing the people I used to write with thought about, I feel: blog rules were none-existent or very very short and basic, exclusivity was not that big a thing (except for the group RPs), blog graphics really didn't matter.

Obviously I can't speak for all of tumblr and all fandoms, but that was my experience in the early days. It felt very low effort and low pressure but high fun. There was a lot less drama than nowadays too, from what I remember, and the overall atmosphere was quite welcoming and.. silly.

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

Be rude or mean or cruel or overall obnoxious to me or others. I don't agree with everyone on everything and I don't expect that from anybody else either. But there are things like common decency and manners and mutual respect and tolerance. As long as these things are present, we're going to be just fine. If I see you hating on others or bullying them - and I don't care about your reasons for it - I'm out. We could have absolutely opposing views on e.g. ships but be respectful about it and we'll get along. However, we could have the exact same taste in ships yet I see you hating on other people or being a bully (even if you're nice to me) and we'll absolutely not be friends. Be kind, it takes less energy than being a terrible human being, actually.

Gotta put the rest under a cut because it's long :)

♢ Has anyone ever tried to steal your blog? Your headcanons? Icons? All that jazz

I'm not sure about RP, I don't really pay attention to that. I don't particularly care as long as someone doesn't kinda copy me and then try to go to my writing partners with the same ideas. If someone took my verses or headcanons 1:1 to write them with their own friends and writing partners, honestly have at it. My headcanons also have to be quite specific for me to feel like they're unique to my portrayal. People who write the same muses often come up with similar things because we base it on what we deduce from observing canon and there will be overlaps.

I've had people steal and repost my fanfictions though. And I've had my graphic edits and gifsets reposted without my permission.

☢ What fads/trends are you so over?

Purple prose writing - I never liked it and I never will. Generally excessive formatting too, to be honest. It get that it looks cool, but unless you are engaging in calligram poems the focus on aesthetics over content for me seems a bit misplaced. As always, to each their own, and if that's the art you are aiming to create here then you are doing a fabulous job, but it's simply not what I am looking for.

✿ What do you think about public call out posts?

I think they're bad. More often than not they feel like an excuse to bully people and they create more harm than good. They are never fully honest, never an objective recount of events and never lead to any positive outcomes as far as I can tell. They're the modern online version of trying to create an angry lynch mob to get someone burned at the virtual stake. I reject callout posts and cancel culture in general wholeheartedly.

Of course there are dangerous and shady people in online spaces (like there are away from your computers as well) and in very rare cases it might be good to make a community aware of an ongoing issue or the possibility of something happening. There should be a GENERAL awareness of the dangers of the online world and strangers that could help prevent actual serious incidents. That said, most callouts I've seen are not about serious cases, they're about people having personal altercations that have nothing to do with the rest of the community and should not be discussed in a public war of who's better at making the other look like a psychopath. There are good reasons why in real life, if someone is accused of a crime it's forbidden for people to take justice into their own hands and go after them. When you see a callout on your dash, you never have all the facts, nobody ever seems to question the source of these callouts (enough), they're always incredibly biased and presenting "evidence" out of context (which is the opposite of transparent), and never encourage you to listen to both sides of the story and make your own opinion of it. All of that should make you think twice before you even consider reblogging that. Also: imagine someone wrote a callout about you, with ill-intent, fabricating lies and making your past (& private) messages look shady out of context. Would you want total strangers to shun or even attack you without giving you the benefit of the doubt? I guess not, huh? Do not carelessly treat things as good that you don't want to happen to you in a bad case scenario.

It's just a hard pass for me. I reject this as a way of dealing with personal problems. Not to mention that I don't relate to people's desire to air their dirty laundry on social media. Try to fix your personal issues in private and think about the future consequences of your actions before you publish a lengthy text about someone who wronged you, calling them all sorts of names and things that you will likely find far less appropriate in a year from now, potentially ruining their other friendships, messing with potential new friendships, their chance to calmly reflect on their behavior, and possibly get them ostracized from an entire FANDOM.

#( ooc asks. )#( meme reply. )#thank you teatea!!

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uwu-mi · 10 days

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Surviving As A Maid

Description: When I opened my eyes while cooking ramen, I woke up as the Queen’s maid who was treated coldly by the King in the BL novel where the King was gay, the concubine was gay, the knight was gay, the servant was gay, and the librarian was gay.Will she be able to survive safely after becoming an ordinary maid, Ash, who has no main character buffs?

My review:

I would like to start my review with the fact that I just finished first season (gobbled it all in just one day to be more precise) and although I think the novel already ended I'm too scared to look it up because well - spoilers.

And there is A LOT to be afraid of as "Surviving As A Maid" is fucking amazing manhwa that forced me to wake up from my 'reading 10 manhwas at once as a brain turn off' mindset that I've fallen into after finishing another mind-blowingly good webcomic

Main character is called Ash.

Ash what? You don't know and neither does she.

Although MC shares her appearance in modern world with Ash (as well as certian parts of her personality) the original Ash had a life, friends and feelings towards certian someone - nothing that MC might remember

You see, this is no reincarnation into novel character with all their knowledge on the world nor popping into existence as a new character with no baggade of the past to get a new chance at life (which is usually fault of Truck-kun). No, the MC got rudly kidnapped in the middle of preparing delicious sounding dinner and thrown straight into chaos with no knowledge of her new self and only determination to stay as unnoticalbe as possible and will to survive in this new strange place

All of the characters are multilayered and you could probably write essays on their hidden motivations and what keeps them getting up in the morning (if anyone have any opinions or questions about any of those characters I'll gladly answer those) but especially MC brings something completly fresh into table as an isekaied protagonist

There is always that dissonance between her and all the other "characters" as she slowly struggles with the idea of living in this new world and treating it's inhabitants as real people - but not once does she forget of her place of origin.

Actually one of my favourite quick scenes (outside of everything with prince of course) is MC's first thought after noticing that summer is just around the corner of new world, is that it has to be winter in her homeland.

Another excellent existential horror element is fact that Ash's body is the exact copy of MC's original one which make her confused a lot about her place in universe and where she might be, and after she gets herself something to help her distinguede between those two worlds she keeps it on herself all the time

also this manhwa blessed us with this beautiful shitpost material

also also (and this might be little spoiler for chapters pre 70) if a certian white short haired man turns out to be male lead I might just fucking drop this manhwa, cause author is amazing at writing powerful and impactful scenes and his intruduction certainly made me hate that man with burning passion - and that sudden taking off his cartoon-villain-like fucking monocle that I've noticed author have been doing recently will not change my mind

Anyway this is a great read that I certainly can reccomend, so go read it and then let me know your own opinions

#surviving as a maid #manhwa #manhwa recommendation #manhwa review #manga reccs #transmigration #webtoon #reincarnation manhwa #isekai manhwa recommendation #isekai manhwa

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mickeymagpie · 7 months

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20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @marypsue, thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

106 so far!

2. What’s your total word count?

321,819, which is somehow both lower and higher than i expected.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

a whole lot; most recently Rise of the TMNT, my fandom on ao3 with the most works is Rise of the Guardians. lots of rises.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

The Gravity Falls trans dipper one-shot, the FMA Ishvalan!Elrics AU, an into the spiderverse fic, raven cycle pov outsider, and a star wars force awakens one-shot. i give all my fics long song lyric titles so that's all the info yall are getting lmao.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I always start out trying to respond to everything when i post a new fic, but then i get overwhelmed pretty quick. lo siento mucho.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually go for angsty endings tbh! I like a lot of angst in the middle, or i go for kind of bittersweet endings.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably that star wars one; force awakens had just come out and i was one of many kylo ren woobifiers who wanted him to have accepted han's invite to come home.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

The most hate i've gotten is on a Different star wars fic where i made Luke trans and some people were Not happy. luckily, i have a permit (i can do what I want).

9. Do you write smut?

yeah lol. i don't post a lot of it though; most of the time i just share it with my discord friends.

10. Do you write crossovers?

all the time all the time babey.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes i've been notified 2 or 3 times that someone copied my stuff onto wattpad or ffnet. i usually go report them but don't care enough to follow up.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so? not that I can remember. I've had one or two podficced though iirc.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nnnnot a finished one. my friends and i do a lot of half fic writing and half rp that usually doesn't turn into a polished product (but it's still fun <3).

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

ALL TIME FAVORITE FLYNN AND LUCY TIMELESS. i've never written fic for them and the show isn't even GOOD but god the way they look like "she fixed him" bs on the surface but really they're each so perfect to make up for the other's shortcomings. also i always wanted so badly for someone to tell her to get her dog on a leash <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

ahaha,,,, the good omens roleswap fic is burning a hole in my document folder. i have an outline i just have no inspiration/motivation :(

16. What are your writing strengths?

characterization; particularly I've gotten the feedback that i'm good at writing characters in different circumstances from canon while keeping their personalities both Intact and Logically Justifiable.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

ending things, both in the sense that i start a lot of stuff and don't finish it, and the sense that i usually have too many ideas and don't know how/where to cut off a plot.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

google translate always does me dirty so now i usually just write the dialogue in english and use a dialogue tag like "she said in *insert language*"

19. First fandom you wrote for?

iiiiii think it was Rise of the Guardians! before that i mostly did over-dramatic RP on the cricket magazine forums where i had characters like a half-dragon bounty hunter.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

probably the ishvalan elrics fic! fma is already full of a lot of meaty concepts, and it was fun re-conceptualizing the canon plot and character beats while keeping the arching plot intact. stuff like that is like a puzzle to me, it's very satisfying when i finish one and it gets positive feedback!

tagging anyone who wants to do it, because im. so sleepy rn

#writing meme #tag meme

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pompadourpink · 2 years

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Hi mom I went through the valks tag to see your stuff about depression and the one about fighting an episode really helped but i didn't find anything about just living with depression on a daily basis ?? halpe

Hello dear, (multiple TW to follow)

Here's what worked for me at the time:

#1. Surrounding myself with goodness. I was following photoshopped models on social media and hated the way I looked. I was friends with toxic people who used me to feel better about themselves. I ate crap, slouched, didn't drink enough and had terrible sleeping habits which led to practically constant discomfort and pain (stomach aches, insomnia, tension headaches, dehydration, etc.). I constantly told myself horrible things about my appearance, character, future, etc.

And big surprise, I was miserable! Who wouldn't?

Unfollow anything and anyone that always makes your heart ache and instead look for hashtags that have to do with things you love (a country, designer, museum, type of food, etc.) and find new accounts to follow. If someone never has anything good to say about you, block them, or avoid them and play dumb if you can't, and find new people to befriend. Have your favourite movie playing in the background. Take pictures of or write down the nice things people say about you.

#2. Normalising everything. Get rid of the idea that you can't do certain things if you can't think of a reason why not. I love running very early or very late to avoid cars and there are times I woke up at 4 and thought "ah, too bad it's not 5, I would have gone for a run". It turned into "ah, clearly I'm not going back to sleep, I'll go for a run". Because why not? Who's going to arrest me? No one. It is that simple.

You haven't done the dishes? As long as they're not discovering fire, you're good.

#3. Getting better habits. If you can't sleep, stop using your phone in bed (it makes your brain think bedtime is screen time and you'll stop being sleepy even if you were falling asleep on the couch). Avoid finding shelter in sugar or caffeine, you don't want your copying mechanisms to harm you: always try something else first (my go-to is cool water and fruity tea bags: tastes like icees). Get off the Internet, open the windows and give yourself a pedicure while listening to the Bee Gees.

#4. Making a list of reasons to stay alive. It can be a list of people, destinations, a portrait of the person you want to turn into, of the movies you'll watch when you're done learning French, etc. Anything that makes it worth trying.

(TW on these next paragraphs)

At the peak of my depression, in 2019, I woke up one morning and decided I was done with the pain. I hated myself, had no job, no money, no prospects, no one, and it felt like it would never get better and I had no reasons to keep fighting.

I had a drawer filled with boxes of sleeping pills because my GP was desperately trying to help me rest (but nothing worked, hello ADHD). I had some random appointment at 10. I went, enjoyed the sun on my face, feeling the calmest I had felt in years, didn't hear a word the lady said, came home, and took my own life. Laid down and waited. Only then, my beloved cats started fighting and I realised no one was going to find me for weeks and they would starve to death. I freaked out, made myself vomit, felt hungover for three days, and started therapy two weeks later.

Fast forward three years, I'm a business owner, the happiest I've ever been, madly in love with life, I'm moving to the south for the sun and the sea, planning a vacation to meet my best friend, and I can't believe how much everything changed. I read my diary entries from that time and don't recognize that girl.

What a waste it would have been if I had given up.

Love,

Mum

#ask #malks

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transneonneko · 3 years

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Things from Archie Sonic that I would love to see return in the Mainline Games and/or IDW Sonic!!

Recently, I decided to read some of the Archie Sonic Comic, from like issue 186ish up until the first MegaMan crossover and the reboot, mainly because there were some gaps in my knowledge of those stories. Mainly Issues 198 till 235, which I never got to read as a kid and, I have to say, there were a lot of really interesting concepts during Ian's run of comics before the reboot that I really loved. There was a lot of really interesting concepts I love after the reboot too. I wanna celebrate that. A lot of these concepts and story idea I feel really deserve another chance.

So I wanna make this list of stuff I wanna see return in either for stories in the Mainline Games or the IDW Sonic comics. Before we start, I do wanna add somethings. This post isn't meant to be shitting on IDW and being like "IDW would be better if they did this". I really love the IDW comics and universe. I also know that some of these concepts likely can't be done due SEGA Mandates and I'm not gonna include stuff like "Bring back the Freedom Fighters" because I feel asking to bring back characters isn't gonna be very productive, as much as I would like to see their return. Anyways, let's begin.

The Fate of the ARK

One thing that really inspired this list was this scene right her. We'll talk more about Silver's Future later but for now, let's focus on the ARK. I'm gonna assume anyone reading this knows the story of the ARK from SA2 and Shadow. Sadly, the ARK hasn't really been revisited in the main canon since Shadow, despite how iconic of a set piece it is. In the Archie Comics, we get a look at Silver's future and one of things that may have been the cause of how bad things are is the ARK crashed. Sadly, Archie got rebooted before the writers could go more into it but, from SA2, we know that the ARK was set to crash into the planet if all 7 Chaos Emeralds are placed into it, wiping out all life on the planet. This could be an excellent premise of another Silver adventure, whether it be in the comics or games, where Sonic, Silver and some friends have to stop someone from making the ARK crash into the planet.

Expanding the Eggman Empire/Egg Bosses

Something I've always found a bit lacking in the game canon is how the Eggman Empire itself has been presented. In the games, the Eggman Empire is usually just made up of Eggman, Metal Sonic, Orbot, Cubot, a bunch of robots and (recently) Infinite. It's not really an Empire if it's just one guy and a bunch of robots. The main goal is the conquer the world but we hardly see Eggman actually see what happens when Eggman conquers a place, like what happens to the people who used to live there, besides like Colours and Forces, where the Wisps and Mobians are usually just seen being imprisoned. The Egg Bosses are the perfect solution to this and adds so much to Sonic's World.

The Egg Bosses are Mobians who, either willingly or unwillingly, aligned themselves up with Eggman for whatever reason, becoming commanders of the Eggman Empire. This usually comes about when Eggman has taken over a part of the region and the people living in that region have no choice but to join the Eggman Empire, for their own safety. Not only does this make the Eggman Empire feel more than just one person but it also makes Eggman more a villain himself. It able to portray Eggman as someone to be feared and, I mean, this is a dictator and genocider who is pretty much declaring war against the world.

It also brings up some interesting thoughts about the world. Characters like Maw, Thunderbolt and even Nephthys to a degree joined up with Eggman because they felt it was the right thing to do for the sake of the world, or in Nephthys case, to stop things getting worst later on, meanwhile characters like Grand Battle Kukku are plotting to usurp Eggman, with Clove and Beauregard only working for Eggman to protect family or close ones.

As I said before, having these Egg Bosses also makes Eggman look more threaten, both because he's able to look like a "bigger bad" next to these villains he has command of and, because almost all the Egg Bosses hate Eggman's guts, they are cyberized, a terrifying process in which those who work for Eggman are focus to have parts of their body replaced with cybernetics, with either bombs which will blow if they decide to leave or a locking mechanism that will paralyze their entire body, ready to be locked up.

If either in the game or the IDW comic, I would like to see the Egg Boss concept return. It doesn't even need to be the same characters or use the name "Egg Boss." It would help expand the army of the Eggman Empire, as well as provide some fun bosses for the games I think.

Mobians and Humans living together

This was always a weird hangup I felt the series had. In the case of games between Sonic Adventure & Unleashed, Sonic and friends were the only Mobians, humans made up the NPCs while Mobians were reserved for main characters. Then in Forces and IDW, Mobians made up the background characters, so then Eggman is the only human. I really prefer it when they have the two living together, it makes it seems more normal and, honestly, a better solution than the whole "Two Worlds" explanation.

Eggman Seemingly Defeated

Can I just that I love Issues 198-200? In these 3 issues, Sonic and friends Eggman's main base, the Egg Dome. This including fighting on the outside of the base, involving fighting hoards of the Dark Egg Legion soldiers and Eggman in the Egg Phoenix. After dealing with the outside, Sonic and friends raid the Egg Dome itself, taking different directions, with the Dark Egg Legion seemingly retreating, until they reach the center of the base, where they are blocked off by a barricade, which only Sonic can pass through, giving a "Point of No Return" vibe, Dark Egg Legion soldiers lining up and saluting Sonic. Then Sonic reaches the center and finds Eggman in the Egg Tarantula, starting their final battle which Sonic wins. This defeat is enough for Eggman to lose his sanity, seemingly ending the war Sonic and the Freedom Fighters have been fighting their entire life.

Of course Eggman returns but, god, it's just such a memorable couple of issues. There's a real sense of finality to it. I would a sequence like this in the games, something that feels like truly ending the Eggman Empire and defeating them once and for all. Of course, it wouldn't be the end, Sonic games are always needing to be made which would lead to...

The New Rulers of the Eggman Empire

In the comics after the defeat of Eggman, the Eggman Empire is taken over by some of it's Commanders, the Iron Queen and Iron King, who rules the Empire as their own until they are defeated and Eggman's return.

I love the idea that even if the Eggman, there will always be someone there to take his place. The games could do this by having Neo Metal or Infinite take his place. Hell, IDW did have Neo Metal take over but I think what made that less interesting was that Neo Metal wasn't doing it for himself, he was doing it for Eggman. I think this would work well if a concept like the Egg Boss was introduced in the games, maybe have one of the characters part of that group take over OR have a lot of the more ambitious Egg Bosses war against each other to take command, until eventually Eggman returns and puts them in line.

Silver's Future

Silver is one of the most recurring characters, who always joins the gang when his future is in trouble. The problem is that we never see his future besides 06. We have no idea what Silver's future is currently until it's in danger and, even then, we never see it.

We see Silver's Future in both continuities of the Archie Comic, with two different takes. Pre-SGW has a destroyed city vibe, like 06 but less lava. Post-SGW brought a whole new take where people are ruled by a corrupt council where people are put into class groups, and security robots will arrest if you are not at your job at the right time. They even re-contextualize Silver's bracelets as cuffs that the robots can activate. With Silver being my favourite character as a kid, I remember being obsessed with this new world and story, wanting to know more.

I'm not saying they would need to copy this world exactly but it would be nice if they gave us a concrete and consistence look for Silver's Future.

The Heroic Metal Sonic

Right before the SGW, we were introduce to Shard the Metal Sonic. His story is that he was the original Metal Sonic, the one that raced Sonic in Stardust Speedway. He appeared later in the comic, where Sonic made him realized there was more to life than just being Eggman's killing machine. He seemingly died, but was rebuilt to serve as a member the Secret Freedom Fighters.

This one would be tricky to be included. It worked in the Archie comic as they had been many Metal Sonics throughout the series, each one getting destroyed. Meanwhile, there's only officially been one Metal Sonic in the games made by Eggman (two if we count Classic and Modern). Admittedly, Gemerl fits Shard's personality and does need to be used more in the games but having it be Metal Sonic is just a cooler concept.

I think a solution to this is that we have Metal Sonic 1.0 made by Eggman and, in Rivals 2, we have Metal Sonic 3.0 by Eggman Nega from the future. But what about Metal Sonic 2.0? I think we could have a game where after Metal Sonic fails, Eggman builds a replacement, being 2.0, which would give reason to Metal Sonic wanting to revolt, which could lead to a redemption? While I am loving the IDW comics, I do really miss a lot of what both Archie continuities offered. I haven't mention the some other concepts and stories I liked that really focused on certain characters such as Naugus, Geoffrey St. John, Dimitri etc. Maybe I'll talk about that another day...

#Sonic #sonic the hedgehog #archie sonic #idw sonic #pre-sgw #post-sgw #sega #eggman #eggman empire #egg bosses #shard the metal sonic #silver the hedgehog

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beepboop358 · 3 years

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I keep seeing people talk about your Byler proof slides so I took a glance at them and it’s largely reiteration of specific details that Kaypeace21 observed first. It’s great that you compiled her thoughts, but are you making sure to give her credit? She doesn’t know I’m sending this. I’m just someone with a strong sense of justice and this has been bothering me. As an example - someone just credited you with the “DND represents Byler” idea when that is 100% Kaypeace21’s original observation. And that’s just one detail. Your slides basically summarize her “reasons to ship byler” and “mileven will not be endgame” videos on YouTube, plus all of her posts here on Tumblr. Curious to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks.

Hi anon! I'm glad you bring this up actually. I've wanted to talk about this for a bit in case anyone feels the same as you! This might be a longer explanation than you wanted so I apologize, but I felt like it was all necessary.

All of the "Byler proof slides" content originated in a notebook of mine. 11 full pages of my scribblings of byler observations I found in the show, shortly after season 3 came out in July 2019. This summer in June 2021, I decided that notebook was to unorganized and I wanted to make a big document to have all the evidence laid out clearly, and in one place. It started out as a google doc where I typed up bullet points of all the things I wrote in that notebook. Once that was finished, I decided I hated it because it was too boring LOL. And I figured it needed visuals to accompany the text, because it was created largely for the purpose of trying to show my friends why byler was real because none of them believed me, and since they aren't as familiar with the show as me, I thought visuals to show exactly what I was discussing would be really helpful. I had a Pinterest board of lots of byler edits that I used for most of the visuals, but as I was on Pinterest searching for more edits to put in the slides, I came across some of kaypeace21's edits, and that led me to her Tumblr. And then I kind of had this "oh shit" moment because I realized almost all of what I had observed and written about in that original notebook, and everything I had put into that first google doc and the slides, had already been discussed by @kaypeace21 on Tumblr and those ideas were already out there. So ofc I tagged her in the slides post and mentioned her and I give her a lot of credit, because I didn't want anyone to think I had just copied all her posts and was passing it off as my own.

I totally agree with you that creators deserve all the credit.

At the time I was making that original notebook and that first google doc of all the byler proof content, which was what I put into the slides, I wasn't on Tumblr and I didn't know who kaypeace21 was (I apologize bc they are truly iconic and I now love their blog so much)

I was here on Tumblr back in the 2012 era if anyone remembers (a particularly unhealthy side of that era of Tumblr which I won't mention bc I don't want to trigger anyone) so I was reluctant to come back because of the toxicity I experienced before. I stayed far away from Tumblr for that reason until this summer. At first my friends were the only people to see the byler slides - for several weeks, but they encouraged me to post them on here so others could see too because they liked them so much. So, in July 2021 I made a new account and posted the Byler slides. I only started re-using Tumblr a few months ago, and I realized there was actually good parts of Tumblr too, and found a community here of people who love ST and byler as much as I do! So that's been the most amazing thing :) and I'm so so so grateful. I love you all <333

Following up to what you said: I don't think anyone is really giving me credit for coming up with the ideas, I think everyone is pretty aware kaypeace21 is the originator/first person to publish most of them. I think the post you are referring to is not crediting me with the creation of that idea so much as they are just mentioning that I also happen to mention it in my byler slides.

I haven't seen kaypeace's YouTube videos but I will have to check them out for sure!

I hope you're having a good day! xx <3

#byler proof master slides

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motownfiction · 2 years

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any of the goodbye yellow brick road series: 2, 7, 8, 12

love you linking to this in case anyone else ever wants to actually read it lmfao 😔

2. what program did you use to write this fic (word, google docs, etc)? is that the program you use for all your fics?

i use google docs for motownfiction! the reason for that is that copying and pasting from word into tumblr looks fucked up, and i don't like it. but when i'm writing something "serious" (e.g. the novella about charlie and daniel, which i actually wrote before any of these vignettes), i use word.

7. what inspired the idea for the plot?

well, that charlie and daniel novella hinged on the fact that sam was dead, and i knew that i would have to actually cover that when i decided to expand the universe. there's not really a plot to this series as much as there are just ... character moments and personal developments ... but part of what i've been really into lately is highlighting the parallels between will and sadie (our protagonist's two favorite people, save for her daughters), and i was especially interested in how those parallels would look under the circumstances of extreme grief and doubt. here, will has lost his best friend in the world, and sadie has lost her twin (or, as she often puts it, herself outside of herself). they don't know what to do with themselves now that this big part of their lives is gone and never coming back. so, what i was interested in was showing the ways in which sadie and will kind of "switch places" under this kind of pressure. will becomes a teacher (of sorts) and takes up a lot of volunteer work; sadie recklessly drives around the metro detroit area without a real clue of where she wants to go, if anywhere. they're feeling similar grief and hiding behind smaller facets of their personalities to mitigate those feelings, and in the end, they're the only people who will ever get this grief in the same way. lucy can try, but for as much as she loved sam, she's not in the same place.

i've also been really interested in highlighting the parallels between lucy and sam, who always wanted life to be more than what it was. lucy and sam are my lofty goals squad. but now that sam is dead, poor lucy is part of a broken parallel. that's something she has to wrestle with, but considering her own emotional immaturity, it's not something she's good at. she needs to get good at it.

also, since this doesn't constitute a spoiler, this is the series where we'll see a foundation between charlie and elenore. i needed to establish that so that it made more sense than ... previous iterations of a similar dynamic.

8. what inspired the title for this fic? is that usually how you choose titles?

i mean, yeah, it's named after elton john's "goodbye yellow brick road," which is so funny because i'm not much of an elton john fan in my daily life (i don't hate him or anything -- just not someone i typically gravitate toward, with a few exceptions). it was between this and something from david bowie's "starman," but i went with this one because i thought bringing in imagery from the wizard of oz worked well for what the characters are going through. grief has launched them into a dimension that they didn't think could possibly exist, and all they want to do is go home. plus, in this universe, it's elenore (not carrie) who relates hardcore to dorothy gale, which i'm pretty sure i'll explore in this series. and i do normally choose song titles and lyrics! it's just easy and fun and i think it works really well with the motown/musical themes of the universe as a whole.

12. was there a scene you wished you could have included? why didn’t it fit in?

in the most recent vignette, i really wanted to follow lucy out into the living room after she cries. that way, we could see her with will and the girls, since i've never actually written a scene of all four of them together before. but it was just getting really, really long, and i thought i'd better cut it at lucy crying and save the callaghan-o'connor family scene for later. i'll get there!

#asks #ponyboyatreides #thank you

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leejeongz · 4 years

Text

PETTY

genre: fluff w a tiny bit of angst, enemies to lovers

member: treasure’s jihoon

word count: 2.3k

never in your life had you realised how much you hated biology until you had to study the carbon cycle, which is pretty ironic considering you cared so much about the environment. you could tell your classmates felt the same way too, most of them were doodling or whispering or just generally looking like they’d rather be anywhere else.

“i’m not sure you’re all getting this” your teacher realised, giving up on her powerpoint and going to sit down “how about you tell me what the carbon cycle is. this can go towards your grade, this can be your presentation!” she got more excited with every word coming out of her mouth “present to me the carbon cycle! this time next week, dress nice, it's going to be recorded. okay, you can leave early for today, gives you more time to work on the presentation” she smiled sarcastically, dismissing you all.

dumping all of your stuff into your backpack, you sighed rather loudly. you teacher looked over towards you, the teacher you could have murdered right now. “i hope i get to hear that volume from you during your presentation y/n” she joked. she was a nice lady, well she was usually nice to you, you had a similar sense of humour, but she could be lazy at times, maybe it was because she’d already got her qualifications, as she kept reminding you all.

“hurry up” you looked up to see your seatmate haruto had waited for you and was planning on walking home with you.

both of you were pretty puzzled by the task since your teacher had told you nothing and so you decided to sit in the library until the end of the school day, trying to figure out what was going on, rather than going home and winging it.

“i mean, i think i get it now” he announced, looking up from his book which he secretly had hidden his phone in “i’d help you but i don’t want our presentations to be so similar that mrs ‘i’m too lazy to teach you anything so do it yourself’ thinks we copied from each other”

you gave him a dirty look, knowing he was joking. “well then maybe i will no longer be your seatmate, no more cute stationery for you, unlucky pal”.

“now now, don’t be too hasty” he said while packing his things up once again “my friend said he can help you”.

Haruto had been obsessed with setting you up these days, ever since you told him you were ready for a relationship, he’d been trying to make one happen. now was the perfect opportunity to hook you up with yet another one of his friends, it was an unlikely relationship, he thought, but who knows.

“who? which boy is it this time? do you even have any friends left?” you asked.

“his name is jihoon, he got an A* for biology so i think he’s qualified enough to teach you.” he presented to you his phone with a picture of him on it.

you knew exactly who he was talking about. park jihoon. the name sent shivers down your spine. he was the head boy at your school when you first moved there. you had such bad memories of him. he once “accidentally” spilled water all over your work in the library, he always told you off for your uniform being “a mess” even though it was always immaculate, you saw him litter on numerous occasions and to make things worse, he tried to a rumour that your old school had lice and that you’d probably brought them with you. luckily not many people believed him, a lot of people shared the same opinion as you: there was just no way he was a nice guy.

“yeah, i don’t think it’s gonna happen” you scratched the back of your head “people whose name start with j… i’ve been warned about them”

“literally shut up that’s the most pathetic excuse i've ever heard. i’ve just sent you his address and he’s already agreed”

you couldn’t really not go now… you weren’t a bad person like jihoon was so you didn’t want to let anyone down. you put on your school hoodie and some leggings in a rush to get to jihoon’s house on time, it was the other side of the city and you didn’t want to be late, especially considering how bad the bus service was.

when you arrived, you suddenly remembered how attractive this boy was and it made you even more unwilling to knock on his door, how could someone so mean be blessed with such a nice face? before you even had the chance to consider knocking, a smiling young boy answered the door.

“hi! i’m-“ he stopped, making eye contact with you for the first time. he stood tall in what you presumed was a new sweatshirt and jeans, your heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. “you? you want my help? is this some kind of joke?” he scoffed “i guess you can come in” he shut the door behind you while whispering “the audacity” under his breath.

you sat on his scratch free leather sofa, it was brown and matched perfectly with the freshly decorated living room, you gathered he’d just moved there, probably his first house. you thought it was funny how his cute hello kitty socks really juxtaposed the whole vibe of the house, a small smile forming on your face. you were so caught up in your thoughts you didn’t even realise he’d asked you a question.

“did i say you could sit down?” he asked sternly. you never really knew what you did wrong to him, you just kind of… accepted it.

“right yes sorry” you stood up and awkwardly adjusted the hem hoodie. “uhh so it’s on the carbon cycle and i have no clue-“

“i know what it’s on you idiot, i wasn't gonna agree if i didn’t, was i?” he interrupted “well are you gonna sit down then?” he asked only to receive an eye roll from you as you sat down again.

you placed your bag next to you and pulled out your laptop. positioning it on his coffee table, you failed to notice jihoon had already left the room.

“what’s that?” he asked, placing two glasses of juice on the table “is it from the 90s?” he asked, following it up with an extremely condescending laugh.

you looked up at him, the heat radiating off your face resulting from a mixture of anger and sadness. “what did i do? why have you hated me since day one huh?” you finally snapped, it’s a shame jihoon barely heard you though.

“i’m gonna presume you asked why i hate you and the answer is” he cleared his throat “your old school”.

your face had definitely cooled down by this point “my old school?” you laughed.

“as head boy it was pretty much my job to hate any other school and the students there, just a shame you were one i guess” he confessed, his stern face softened as he spoke. “it was petty really, but petty is my middle name so what can i say?”

“i can tell” you responded, eyes narrowing as a sarcastic smile formed on your face. “shall we get to work now?” you asked, not wanting to waste any more time with him because somehow it made it even worse that the reason he hated you was just your old school.

“oh did he not tell you?” you looked at him puzzled and shook your head. “tonight we were just supposed to get acquainted because i don’t have much time, i’m going out later and i want to look fresh for the ladies.” he pulled twice on his sweatshirt, that typical cliche “cool guy” action just suited him for some reason. “so we have like 3 hours that’s all.”

“what, 3 hours won’t be enough to complete this?” you could have cried thinking about it, throwing your head back when you saw that jihoon had shook his head. “i’m gonna have to come over again aren’t i?” you asked, dreading the answer you already knew you were going to receive.

“fraid so” he responded.

it took some time, but you finally came around to the idea, not that you had a choice, you couldn’t do this without him. you reached into your bag once again, this time pulling out your metal straw and placing it into the orange beverage on the table.

“ooo fancy” jihoon cooed, eyes following your hands. “let me get mine” he got up, dashing to the kitchen and returning with his pink, silicone straw. “save he turtles, am i right?” you naturally laughed along with him which you soon stopped when you realised you were joking? with park jihoon?

throughout the next half an hour there were countless incidents which were similar, only you’d begun to let yourself laugh. were you maybe finally starting to like this boy too? this is the closest you’d ever felt to liking one of haruto’s friends, it just felt weird that it had to be him.

as if on queue, you received a phone call from haruto. you answered sheepishly, not wanting to distract jihoon who was now intensely staring at his phone as if he was waiting for an important message. “hey ruto, can you text me instead?” you requested. before he could answer, you put the phone down. a few seconds later your phone chimed.

ruto 🍩: how is it going? made any moves yet? i mean done any work yet? ;)

you tutted as you read the message which caught jihoons attention. “what is it?” he inquired, getting out of his chair and moving your bag. he sat down right next to you and peeked over your shoulder. the intimacy was nice, you didn’t like that it was nice, but it was.

“a little privacy please?” you moved your phone from his eye line and turned to face the other way.

you: i kind of like him ya know? it’s too early to tell. i mean i don’t hate him now i guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

swoosh, away your message went. had you really just told him that you liked someone you used to hate?

ruto 🍩: interesting… i’ll have a word with him.

a certain panic set in, but you couldn’t do anything about it when you heard a beeping noise coming from jihoon’s kitchen. you suspected it was a fire alarm, the way he abruptly got up and rushed in there.

“it’s ruined” he shouted, there was a hint of anger in his voice that seemed familiar. you hesitantly walked towards his kitchen and asked what he’d supposedly ruined. “nothing it’s nothing, just go back and start working, we can do it in 2 hours if you work fast. are you capable of that?”. the soft jihoon that you were just getting used to had suddenly disappeared, it felt like a kick in the stomach and you knew your presentation wasn’t gonna be great now.

for the next hour or so you worked tirelessly on the presentation, now making a poster instead of a powerpoint since what jihoon wanted to do, you HAD to do right now. there was undiable tension in the air, neither of you wanted to talk about it but it didn’t stop you from being curious. an occasional phone buzz broke the silence, but neither of you checked your notifications. not until you once again threw yourself back into his sofa, this time your head was in your hands. you understood nothing going on in your poster and the “help” you were getting was minimal.

jihoon grabbed his phone, not really sure on what to do when he saw you.

haruto: yes jihoon, they like you now make your move

haruto: bro… ur silence is concerning what’s going on there?

he gently placed his phone on the glass table, slightly moving the oversized poster, brushing your leg as it moved and catching your attention.

he stood up from the carpet and sat beside you.

“i’m sorry i flipped like that on you” he whispered while his hand made its way to your knee. “we can come back to it tomorrow” he glanced at you.

“wont you be hungover, or won’t you be trying to shoo away some one night stand? i know your type” you sniffled through tears. no one had seen you cry before but for some reason you didn’t feel embarrassed.

“well actually i’ve decided to not go out tonight. i have a netflix account that isn’t getting used and i was wondering” he started, shuffling closer to you “if you wanted to watch something with me? you know, just to take your mind off things” his eyes widened looking back at the disastrous poster in front of him.

“maybe” you thought for a while, remembering what haruto said he was gonna do and realising he’d probably done it “on one condition” you smirked.

“what is it?” he flirted, prepared to do anything for you. by now he’d somehow managed to wrap his arm around your shoulders too, just adding to the ambiance he’d created in 0.2 seconds.

“tell me what you ruined in the kitchen” you begged.

“it was-“ he paused for a second, wondering if he should tell you or just show you. he pulled his arm from around you and quickly went to get the tray from the kitchen. “i attempted to bake some cookies in the shape of clouds and the sea and cows, but as you can see they are definitely not medium rare, more well done i’d say. i was thinking we could have filmed a little video with them tomorrow or something when they were cool as your presentation. kinda glad they burnt, why would i want to waste such a good idea on you” he emphasised the “you” and faked heaved, a teasing tone evident in his voice.

“we could still ice them or paint them or something” you enthused.

“anything to spend more time with me, huh?” he teased further, foreshadowing the future of your relationship with each other.

🔅please let me know what you think about this! i’m not really confident posting it so any feedback would be much appreciated! i also just wanna say that the character i made up for jihoon does not reflect him as a person! i’m sure he’s not an evil person irl i just wrote this for entertainment🔅

#treasure #treasure imagines #treasure fluff #park jihoon #park jihoon imagines #park jihoon fluff #jihoon #jihoon imagines #jihoon fluff #treasure jihoon

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thehoneybuzz · 3 years

Text

Chasing Baker

My Nana was my greatest adversary.

In an otherwise charmed life, Nana was an immovable force and the only legitimate challenger to my willpower. Not without the warmth one would expect from a grandmother, Nana could be sharp - like a sun-warmed pane of glass. Lesser hearts might have bent to me when I requested accommodation - but not Nana. Nana set a firm bedtime, insisted on efficient tooth brushing, and rather than negotiate with hair tangles, made short work of them in single, swift wrenches when brushing your hair. No nonsense. When you stayed with her - in one of two twin beds in a room made precisely for grandchildren - you often found yourself in bed with the lights out, with no real memory of having gotten there, swept away in the tide of your sheets. Nana was uncompromising, and no arena was more suited to our mutual stubbornness as the dinner table.

I grew up a notoriously picky eater. After a weekend at my Uncle Jerry's, my mom received a hardcover copy of "The Strong-Willed Child" from him as a gift. He had spanked me for not eating chicken nuggets. As evident by its title, the book was meant to coach my mother on parenting strategies for mitigating my innate obstinance. This would not be the only copy of the book my mother received. Though, I think she could have written one by the time I turned 4. I simply refused to eat the things I didn't like, and that was a long list.

A relative once applauded - clapped his hands together in joy- upon learning that I had graduated from having the crusts cut off my bread to full-blown sandwich eating. The peanut butter and honey sandwich was my signature dish and an absolute staple. I'd like to say I've grown out of it - and I've certainly grown having tried llama steak in Peru, lamb heart at the table of a Lebanese family, and Greenland shark in an Icelandic cafe - but it took me a long time to let go of my habits and permit myself to try, and it took some coaxing. My preferences ran deep.

My diet from ages six through eleven included Eggo waffles, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, an assortment of cereals, a handful of specific fruits and vegetables, and the occasional steak when mom thought my iron was low. My mom - on the advice of a pediatrician who told her that if she force-fed me, I'd develop an eating disorder - catered to this preference. Nana did not. They must have been seeing different pediatricians.

Nana took the clear your plate approach - The approach driven by reward and consequence. Finish your plate, cookies delivered. Fail to try, become hungry and hungrier still as dessert passes you by. I took to swallowing food whole, and my mom took to sending me with granola bars on visitations. She'd line the interior of my suitcase like we were smuggling drugs. I'll admit it was an unusual form of contraband, but the measure seemed necessary in a divorced child's duplicitous world. What my mom saw as nourishment, my Dad might see as undermined parenting strategy even under the best of circumstances - which they often weren't. I was hungry, so decided it best to keep things a secret and wrappers out of the trash.

Despite Nana's apparent best efforts, I avoided the eating disorder. Thanks to my mom, I avoided most foods until my early 20s. I don't know who was right. What I know for certain is that I was loved.

When I sat down with Nana after my trip to Mt. Baker, she clutched her heart as she said. "Ally - to think about you as this little girl - and that you would only eat peanut butter and honey sandwiches - to think of you climbing mountains…" she shakes her head, "… well I just can't believe it."

I started to laugh and asked her, "Want to know the best part?"

She nodded, smile in her eyes, full of that sunny warmth - playful and kaleidoscopic.

"I ate peanut butter and honey sandwiches up and down the side of that mountain, Nana," I told her, laughing, and then we laughed together. Growing up is fun, I thought, especially in moments like this.

Laughing with your grandmother is a gift you receive in exchange for time, and it is a beautiful gift indeed. Here is a woman who bathed you, clothed you, fed you - and by the time you're old enough to understand the magnitude of the life she held before all that, she is often gone. I'm lucky to have this time. Nana is 90 years old now, and my mother's mother passed at 74. I never got to have the conversations I wanted to have with my grandmother, who died. To ask her questions like, 'Who were you?' 'What lifetimes made up the love you gave so effortlessly away?'

There is something about mountain climbing that makes you consider those kinds of questions in real-time. There is something about mountain climbing that makes you feel as if you are in the process of 'becoming.' So when, at the parking lot of Grandy Creek Grocery, I met my fellow climbers and our guides - there was a feeling of anticipation and nervousness about who I'd be sharing that story with. Dropping me off, my mom described it like the first day of kindergarten. The first person I met was Sharon.

I had been worried about Sharon. Weeks before, on the pre-trip Zoom call, she stood out from the digital crowd as the most visibly senior person there. Sharon did not look old - she looked undoubtedly the oldest. I think this is an important distinction - particularly to Sharon. I remember thinking - "I hope she is not on my trip because I'm worried she will show me down." A very judgmental thought and the universe saw to its reckoning. Sharon surprised the hell out of me.

She paced the parking lot, and I jumped out of my rig to greet her. We quickly began commiserating. Baker would be her first mountain. I had Mount St. Helens under my belt, but it's not much in the way of experience. We talked about our training plan, recounting long drives to taller places. Sharon was from Wisconsin, and she had to drive 45 minutes to get to peaks at 3,000 - the same as me in Eastern Washington. We had a lot in common. Where I ran, she had been hiking with weight and jogging. Sharon wasn't afraid of hard work. On our drive to the trailhead, I learned that she had just lost 75 pounds last year. I learned later that when Sharon signed up for this climb, she hadn't told anyone in her family she was doing it. She was 62 years old and had never once traveled alone. What on earth possessed her to climb a mountain? I'd be afraid of that question, too.

Sharon eventually fessed up to her family and made the trip official. That's how we found ourselves on the side of a mountain together. I'm embarrassed to have been so fundamentally wrong - but my confession is not without meaning, and I learned an important lesson. Never underestimate a Sharon.

When Melissa, our guide, described Mt. Baker for the first time, she called it by its indigenous name, Komo Kulshan. She then gave us its epithet - "The Great White Watcher." Having now met Kulshan face to face, I can tell you that's precisely how he feels. The summit looms as you navigate through the trees. Stoic in the face of the wilderness that surrounds him. Ice cold, he waits. In the Lummi language, he's called 'white sentinel.' He is persistent, vigilant, and watching.

I focused my nervous energy on preparing to meet this mountain by learning what I could about him. I learned that Mt. Baker is 10,781 feet tall, an active volcano, and the second most glaciated mountain in the continental united states (Rainier's got it beat, and you don't count Alaska). It's a formidable mountain, known - as nearly all alpine environments are - for its quickly changing conditions and the perils of its geology. This all, somehow, frightened me less than the thought of meeting Melissa Arnot-Reid. Her legend loomed not in the Cascades - where only a single peak resides above the threshold of 14,000 feet by which the Rockies measure their formidable "fourteeners." Melissa's legend loomed as large as Everest, on who's summit she has been six times - the only American woman to summit without the use of supplemental oxygen and survive. 29,032 feet. Melissa was someone I wanted to learn from, and I was scared shitless of her by reputation.

Suffering a bit of social awkwardness around celebrities, I prepared to meet Melissa by seeking to learn nothing about her at all. The antithesis of my mountain strategy - I told myself our experience would be what it was when we met on the mountain. My job was to learn - to ask my questions courageously - and be vulnerable and bold in seeking truth. I spent a fair bit of time wondering if she might be an ass hole, too. The age-old adage, "don't meet your heroes," drifted in and out of my mind.

In the last 15 minutes of our drive to Grandy's, my mom started reading Melissa's Wikipedia page aloud to me as I navigated the road, undoing months of my concerted preparation. I let her continue, greedy for information. "It says she trains by depriving herself of things - that she'll go without food and water."

"Probably a good idea if you're ever going to be stuck on the side of a mountain without it," I told her. I braced myself for a response. In the past few months, my mother had a growing sensitivity around topics that might suggest I could die on the side of a mountain. Admitting, so blatantly, that mountain climbing was a dangerous sport left me vulnerable to excessive mothering accompanied by exclamations of "Don't you dare!" Instead, my mom sort of nodded and continued, "I'm surprised her baby came out healthy."

My brow furrowed. I hated my mother for saying it. I had avoided a lecture from the mother of the mountaineer but failed to account for the mother of the daughter aged-almost-thirty. My uterus is a topic of conversation around my mother's table. Apparently, so was Melissas. Not wanting to discuss either, I let my mother's comment go unchecked as she continued to list accomplishments. "This article says she's focused on business, not emotions. That she is an incredible problem-solver." Now her reports felt more like cheating - it felt like an unfair advantage to meet someone armed with publicly available information about them. When you Google "Allyson Tanzer," you won't find much about my disposition under pressure. I told my mom it was time to focus and turned up the music.

When we parked, and I went to introduce myself to Melissa, three things happened. As I introduced myself, she first quickly let me know that she would not be giving out hugs due to the pandemic. Then, taking my hand in a firm grip, Melissa detailed that she and our other guide, Adrienne, had critical guide business to discuss and would be with us in a moment. She reported being thrilled to be meeting us as she quickly dropped my hand. Within thirty seconds, I was apologizing profusely and backing my way into the grocery. What can I say - first time formally climbing mountains, and I wasn't sure of the protocol. I fiddled with a bag of Cheetohs and continued to hope that she wasn't just an ass hole.

I went to the bathroom for something to do and remembered what my mother said. Task-oriented. I figured Melissa probably didn't hate me, after all. Despite my earlier misgivings, I was grateful to know a bit about her character, regardless of how 'honestly' that information was obtained. Thanks, Mom.

Our climb began. We left Grandy's in a caravan and parked near 3000' at the winter routes trailhead. On the first day, you ascend to 6000' and establish camp. You carry about 40 pounds, walking 1 mile and about 1000 vertical feet per hour, stopping for 15-minute breaks in those intervals. Conditions are warm, which means you're doing something the mountaineers call "post-holing" - ramming deep holes (as if for a fence post) into the ground as you step through snow that's washed out underneath. It's slow-going and rigorous. An hour and a half in, Melissa reports that we're standing in the location where she usually takes the first break. Unseasonably warm weather with a heavy snow accumulation has made for an exciting start.

You walk along a canyon ridge formed by a retreating glacier. You realize that time here is not measured in the same cadence that it's known to you. Mountains measure time in millennium, not decades. The formations of rock are carved by years, not minutes. The ground holds a history you can't conceive of - an ancient history of rock and ice. You are constantly struck by feeling small both physically and in your very chronology. I spent the first day happily in awe.

At camp, you maintain - guides (and playfully designated junior guides), boil snow, establish a base, dig a toilet. You assess whether or not you need to poop in a bag and carry it down the mountain with you as you try - for the first time - a rehydrated meal claiming to be chili Mac and cheese. Melissa teaches us how to walk on rope over a glacier. I try to mimic her knots. She redefines your concept of efficiency - breathlessly describing a packing order that accounts for calorie intake, warmth requirements and weight distribution - Every contingency considered. When I win the Ice Ax Rodeo by landing my thrown ax in a particular configuration - all is right in the world. Melissa is a drill sergeant giving instruction. She outlines the next minute - next five minutes - next hour - next day.

Her matter-of-fact nature reminds me of something. When I gave my parents a ride in an airplane for the first time with me as the pilot in command, I provided them near the same briefing as we were parked on the ramp. It ended dramatically with, "And if anything should happen, you have to exit the aircraft first in the following fashion." At which point I launched myself from the plane. I wanted them to be prepared to fight their instincts to protect me. I’m the only pilot on board - and my job is to protect my passengers, no exceptions. They both described a sense of foreboding and peace at the demonstration. It’s precisely how I felt when Melissa explained how she would be rescuing herself from a crevasse. “If you fall, I get you out. If I fall, I get myself out, but I need your help as an anchor to do so.” She took the approach of coaching us in only what we needed for the next challenge. We would learn crevasse rescue on a need to know basis. At Grandy’s, she told us to expect 48 hours of endurance. At camp, we’re at hour 9. She painted a picture of the following day.

"We'll begin between 11, and 2 am. Expect switchbacks up the glacier, a series of flats, and gains over the next hour. In 3.5 miles, we'll gain an additional 2000 feet - meandering a path through the glacier's crevasses, and it will gradually become steeper over time. About 1.5 miles to the summit, we'll hit the Easton glacier culminating in the Roman Wall. Then, because God has a sense of humor, you have a long flat walk to the summit after the steepest portion. All said it will take us between 5-7 hours to the top."

Frankly, it was just about as simple as that.

My eyes opened at 11:50 pm to the sound of movement outside the tent. Melissa had coached us here, too. "You may not be sleeping," she told us as we readied for 'lights out.' Days from the summer solstice, the sun burned brightly above us at 7 pm. "Remember that you don't need sleep; you need rest. That's what you're getting here at camp. You're horizontal; your feet are out of your boots. Close your eyes, and know you're getting what you need." Felt like a lie, but sure enough, with two hours of sleep, I couldn't describe myself as tired.

I did, however, feel cold. Chilly night temperatures had crept into our tent, and dressing for the day was arduous. I knew to keep my clothes in my sleeping bag. It was a trick I learned from a friend made trekking in the Andes for dressing in the cold. I knew to shorten my trekking poles while climbing, thanks to my guide on that same trek. I'd be leaving my trekking poles behind today, though. Ice axes only. We divide into rope teams. The race begins, but there's no starting pistol - only wind.

Fifteen minutes into our climb and we're struggling to find the rhythm. I'm still shaking the bleariness of the cold. The rope between climbers takes on an interesting dynamic. While it connects you to your fellow climber, it also isolates you from them. You have to maintain a certain distance away from one another while maintaining the same pace. It's a dance with crampons on in glacial ice - a delicate dance indeed - and it's where climbing feels like a team sport. You're all in it together.

Voices rang out in sequence like a game of telephone - one of our team would need to climb down. We said short goodbyes and waited as Adrienne (guide) descended with climber to camp. We were lucky - we hadn’t been climbing long which meant Adrienne could climb down and back to rejoin her rope. Guide redundancy is a safety net when groups of climbers work together.

Darkness continued. We continued. As you persist, darkness seems to persist along with you. In the first hour, it grows heavy. Your world begins and ends at the light of your headlamp, and that's where you find it—your rhythm. Crampons crunching, breath steady, and the gentle swish of your layers create a sort of timpani, a medley of percussion sounds. Clink, brush, crunch, and clink, brush, crunch, as ax bites ice, the movement of your clothes, and the toe of your boot kicks crampon into snow propelling you forward. There isn't much to think about in this grinding meditation. You're grounded in tugs from ahead or behind you as you march, slowly up. You can count steps, miles, feet of elevation - whatever keeps you moving. Whatever keeps you going up.

Moments before sunrise, we would lose another on our team. I listened to Melissa coach her. "What we're headed to is going to be harder than what we've just done. If how you are feeling is taking away from your ability to focus on your next step - I can only tell you that it's not going to get easier from here." That's when I saw the decision on her face. Another round of goodbyes - this one a bit more somber. She had worked so hard.

The decision to descend is a difficult one, but it’s one of the most important you can make. There are steep consequences to being in over your head in a place so remote. The summit is a siren, beware. Melissa - aware of the remaining teams intention to summit - advised us to plug our ears as she told the descending climber the Sherpa belief that a mountain won't let you summit for the first time if it likes you. Mountains bring you back. Further, she coached, the decision to go down can lift an entire team's chance of success if you feel you're a liability. Recognizing yourself and your limitations truthfully is a mountain in itself. That's the summit this person made in her decision to descend.

Like a good Agatha Christie novel, our list of characters dwindled. We added layers and continued - five of the original eight. Melissa was right, again. After we lost the second climber, our ascent became a proper climb. From that point forward, if anyone decided to turn around - we would all have to. There was only one remaining guide, and she had to protect all her climbers, no exceptions - me in the cockpit all over again.

She didn't show it, but 62-year-old Sharon was genuinely frightened. She had realized the same thing I did. If she didn't make it - no one would. Sharon kept climbing. Remember when I was worried she would slow me down?

When the sun starts to rise, everything begins to feel possible again. I don't mean to say that things were hopeless, just that with the sun comes energy and a sense of renewal. Color returns to the landscape, and you can begin to be able to measure your progress concretely. The mountain casts a shadow across the earth, stretching miles. You can't believe that you are contained within that shadow, on the face of such a giant who stands so impossibly tall. Melissa stood there, and I took her picture.

She had turned out to be not an ass hole at all. Where I sought to be her student, she aspired to teach - at once brilliant and kind. Her stride - her sport - a work of art. The precise art of what she calls slow, uphill walking. Her shadow and the shadow of the mountain impressed upon me the power of legends.

As the Roman Wall came into view - I knew we had it. We short rope in and make one last push. If Mt. Baker is a joke from God, the ending of the Roman Wall is its punchline.

Atop the incline awaits a long, easy walk to a haystack peak some few hundred yards in the distance. I was bubbling with emotion as my heart rate settled and the view became clear. There wasn't much difference between where we stood and where we were going. We dropped our packs, unroped, and ran up the summit. I was in tears.

Melissa broke her no-hugs-in-the-pandemic rule and celebrated us each in turn. I snapped countless photos and spent each frozen moment smiling. I pulled Melissa and Sharon in close. I had felt something on my heart and only needed a moment's bravery to share it.

I started awkwardly.

"I'd like to say something to you and Sharon," I muttered, barely audible over the wind, as I tugged on Melissa's sleeve. I grabbed Sharon's arm and pulled her in too. I don't remember the exact thing I said or the exact way in which I said it. I remember pausing to make sure I got it right and wondering for a long time if I managed to do so.

I told them that I had come to the mountain expecting to be impressed by one person. Melissa promised an impressive education - on which she delivered. She is of that rare quality - the kind who’s presence improves you. I came to Baker with that expectation, I confessed, I expected Melissa. I paused before telling Sharon, her gloved hand in mine, “You?” I laughed nervously. “I wasn’t expecting. A 62-year-old woman….” I nodded back to Melissa, “And you, the mother of a 3-year-old…” I didn’t want to get this wrong. “You are two people who our society labels and confines. Yet, here you are - on top of a mountain. I have to tell you….” I was choked up in earnest here and struggled to continue.

"It matters.” I said. “What you do matters. It matters to have an example of what is possible. Both of you have provided that example to me and women like me. Thank you." I sobbed. "I am so grateful for it and grateful for you." Melissa smothered me in her jacket as she embraced me, once again, in a hug. Pandemic be damned. My tears froze. While I expected a "There's no crying in mountaineering" a la Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own (it was a climb of mostly women, after all) the admonishment never came.

Sharon grabbed hold of me next and we shared the alpine view. Before I knew it, we were the last two on the summit. The wind howled a steady cheer. Celebrations concluded, it was time to leave. I stayed for just a moment longer, watching Sharon as she left. They don't make anything more beautiful than a mountain, and it's a view worth savoring. I descended, joyfully, to my team.

I didn't bury Jake up there. In Ashes to Ashes, I told the story of taking my old farm dog's remains to the top of my first volcano. He's not so much a good luck charm as he is an omen of protection. I don't need luck as much as I need safety, and he serves his duty well. Jake stayed with me through our descent to camp. I needed a little protection coming down off the Roman Wall, I thought. I wanted him close until we were off the glacier. He lays now at the foot of my tent—a very good place for a very good dog.

There's a natural mindfulness to climbing. I often find myself living in the present step - not thinking about the route that lies below. You forget in moments that the trip up is accompanied by an equally long and perilous journey down. From the summit, your journey is far from over. Yet, time flies by even as you stop to admire the steam vents. The rainbow that surrounds the sun refracts joy and color the same.

You reach camp, celebrate, pack up. Miles and thousands of feet remain even from there. That's when you realize it's ending and when I realized I didn't want it to end.

We spent the next few miles getting to know each other in earnest, savoring time and mountain views, chatting in the way of long-form hikers - about the nature of things and through storytelling. Melissa regaled us with vulnerable truths and comedic parables. We laughed. I kept sipping at the wells of knowledge around me, drinking in the moments. Laughter distracted from hunger, from wet feet, and from the dull and dim realization that all good things must come to an end. We made our way to the bottom of the mountain. Just like that - we say goodbye.

Sharon drove me back to Grandy's. We chitter like school girls - adrenaline and nostalgia collide in our post-climb delirium. We talk about the future. I realize that we are good friends. I am humbled by just how wrong a person can be to believe something about someone for no good reason.

Mom picks me up, and with her embrace my adventure is over. I’ve come full circle - safe and sound, parked in the lot of Grandy Creek Grocery.

Melissa found us there and knocked on our window.

"Your daughter is really special. The MOST special,” my hero and friend told my mom. Mom beamed with a special pride reserved exclusively for mothers of strong-willed daughters. I had been misreading things - the adventure had only just begun.

There are eight years between Melissa and I. I’m not sure I’ll be chasing Everest in that time, but I know I won’t be finished. I’ve got thirty-three years to catch Sharon at 62. In the mountain blink of sixty-one years, I’ll be as old as my Nana and I hope at least half as wise. Good thing there are so many years - for there is so much left to climb.

#mountaineering #mountains #travel #adventure #adventurephotography #traveling #travelblogpost #mountainclimbing #mt baker

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sugarbeandude · 3 years

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Dear Santa... er, sugarbeandudes, I've been a good Kiki and I'd like to request either headcanons about how it would go, or a ficlet, about Bandit proposing marriage to Jäger, or about Ash & Mira's first Christmas together, whichever idea you like better!

Okay okay! you’re not on the naughty list! so here’s your gift!

Make a wish

Bandit/Jäger Rated T

2k + words :) enjoy!

okay so i also cryied w this :’)

Bandit was seating over his beautiful Harley motorcycle, scrolling endlessly through his phone as he waited for Jäger to join him. “Mari I’m leaving without you!” Bandit chanted without taking his look off the screen of his phone.

“I’m almost done!” Jäger screamed as he walked outside their home as he pushed down on himself one of Bandit’s various hoodies and closed the door with his foot.

“What took you so long Katze?” Bandit asked putting his phone away in the pocket of his jacket, passed a helmet over to his lover who just sat behind him, and turned on the motorcycle.

“All my hoodies were dirty, so I borrowed one from your drawer, you don’t mind Ja?” Jäger encircled Bandit’s waist as he always did, curling up towards his back seeking a little warmth, the night was indeed chilly. “So where are we going anyway?”

“Oh, that’s secret, Mari.’’ Bandit pulled away the steel leg that kept the bike still and started moving away from their home. “I’d suggest you get comfy because it might take a while.”

And so Jäger did, he accommodated his arms in a way it would not squeeze out Bandit and would also not tire him out. He wondered where Bandit would take him to this time. The last time his lover took him in a midnight ride they ended up at the beach, fucking in the middle of nowhere, that was a great adventure, so Jäger imagined that will likely happen again tonight, not that he was complaining, though, he loved when he ran away with Bandit.

“Are you cold, Katze?” Marius shook his head. Bandit had finally stopped on the side of the road. “We’re here, you can let go.” Bandit announced and Jäger did, not before squeezing Bandit’s torso lovingly.

“So, where are we exactly?” Jäger asked as he took off and left his helmet on one of the sides of the handle of the bike.

“In the middle of nowhere, as you like to say.” Bandit grabbed Jäger’s hand and led him.

“Oh, this will surely be fun, you brought lube, right?” Jäger joked, trying to guess Bandit’s intentions for the night.

“Maybe so.” Bandit answered, not giving any clues. Bandit swiped off a branch that was blocking his way and let Jäger pass first, revealing a beautiful cliff that ended up in the ocean.

“Mein Gott…” Jäger stood still, appreciating the beautiful landscape in front of him. “This is such a nice place to get fucked in.”

“Damn Mari, do you want me to fuck you that much?” Bandit said as he joined Jäger, also appreciating the view.

“Ha, how did you even find this place?” Jäger asked as he sat down near the end of the cliff but not near enough to actually have a chance to fall.

“Had to take a piss, so I pissed nearby, then I heard the waves, and then I found this place, and thought you like to see the stars here.” Bandit spoke as he sat beside his partner, pulling him closer with an arm.

“Are you saying that last part with a double meaning, Dom?” Yeah, Jäger believes Bandit only thinks about sex.

“Oh my god, Marius, you’re pretty horny today, aren’t you?’’

“What? no… I’m just trying to guess what are your intentions…” Jäger pressed his body towards Bandit, seeking affection.

“ Can’t I have a lovely night out with my Jagerchen?”

“Well, it’s indeed lovely.” Bandit took off his jacket and placed it behind both to lean over it without getting bothered by the grass. He grabbed his phone and reproduced his “romantic” playlist.

“Can you explain to me for the hundredth time which constellation is which?” Bandit stared at the lights that were perched in the sky. He wondered, how can people assimilate objects from simple dots in the sky? they must’ve been high, Bandit thought.

“Haha, Why? I’ve told you a thousand times already and you can’t even memorize a single one of them.” Bandit hid his fingers between the jungle Jäger’s hair was, causing Jäger to unconsciously snuggle against his hand, seeking that soothing feeling.

“I don’t know, do you have something better to talk about?”

“Not really…” Jäger hummed as he spotted every constellation in the sky, jumping his look from one to another. “Actually, I have something I would like to discuss, Dominic.” Jäger made an effort to make himself sound serious, but he just sounded squeaky as always.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, you know, I’m going to copy Chandar’s measures for you in the workshop…”

“What? what do you mean? what does that weird brit have to do?” Rules?

“Well, he banned James from the workshop to work efficiently…” Jäger started.

“And? Wait… are you saying you’re banning me too? Why? I don’t even cause trouble like that idiot!” Bandit raised his tone of voice, gaining Jäger’s blissful giggles.

“Isn’t it obvious Dom?! You’re always distracting me! I can’t… you don’t let me work properly!” Jäger exclaimed, extending his arms into the sky.

“I can’t help being hot Marius! Maybe you should work on controlling your eyes!” Bandit chuckled with him, Jäger’s complaints were true after all, he would come around the workshop now and then to bother or provoke his lover.

“No! I have decided, from now on, you’re banned from the workshop, I’ll let everybody that goes in to not let you in! Oh, Monika is going to love the news, you know right, Domi? She’s always a little mad I let you in the workshop…” The engineer declared as he rested his head on his boyfriend’s chest gazing his look over the horizon.

“You can’t do this to me, Mari, you’ll give in eventually, I know you well.” Bandit rested his hand over his beloved head, he felt so at peace.

“Let’s bet.” Jäger proposed, gripping a hand on Bandit’s side.

“Oh count me in for sure. I know you won’t resist letting in my handsome ass.” Bandit just knew the man too damn well, unlike Mute, Jäger could be easily lured and bent by Bandit it would just be a matter of time until Jäger would let him in the workshop again. “What’s in the bet anyway?”

“Well, if I lose and let you in before the end of the year I’ll, I’ll um…”

“You’ll teach me how to fly.”

“What? No way Dominic! I can’t trust you’re not going to do something stupid!” Jäger remembered last Christmas, he had taken Bandit for a quick flight on his personal plane, the fucker covered his eyes for a second mid-flight, nothing happened really, but that was enough to make Jäger snap furious, making him stop the ride right away and sworn he will never take Bandit to another flight ever in his life.

“Aw, come on, well, take me in another ride, I’ll wear handcuffs, I swear.”

“I’ll think about it, what you did last time wasn’t funny at all Dominic, but that doesn’t mean a yes. But, if I win, you’ll… hmmm what could be good…” Jäger hummed, gazing his look over his lover’s face, who was looking at the sky.

“I don’t know, you’ll do the dishes for the next year? I don’t know Dom, what can you offer me?”

“Hmm how about, I let you ride my bike, or well, I’ll teach you.” Bandit never lets anyone unless it’s Jäge or his twin brother Cedric to touch his bike, he is the only one ho rides the bike, yeah, he’s a little possessive about his beautiful Harley.

“What? are you sure Domi? you make a big deal if someone that’s not me gets close to it.’’

“Well, that’s why I shall let you my bike, now that I think of, that rule is a little stupid, since you care better about stuff than me.” Another song .

“You’re right, well, prepare yourself to teach me because I won’t be losing this bet.”

“Mari I still don’t get how in the hell do you not know how to ride a bike! You know how to fix them, but you don’t know how to ride them?” Bandit questioned the man resting over his chest.

“I told you, my younger self was scared of them, I always thought I would crash and die horribly.

“Oh, but you didn’t think that about planes?”

“Planes are totally different Dom! don’t compare, there are no other planes in the sky to crash into so no, I’m not afraid at all.”

“You were not afraid like, to run out of gas or, the engine to stop working?” Bandit insisted.

“At first, but that’s why there’s a protocol to check on planes before taking off.”

Both kept quiet, gazing at the stars, Jäger would point out occasionally which part is which from the milky way, and Bandit would just hum and nod, passing the information in and out from his ears. Both held themself tightly to not let the cold in their bodies. Marius felt a box poking his side, it was inside Bandit’s pocket, he supposed it was a pack of cigarettes, he thought Bandit had quit smoking six months ago, well maybe not.

“Are you hungry Dom?”

“Are you?”

“No, I’m asking because I feel like cooking something, would you like me to cook you something tonight?”

“Hmm, nah, how about we go to that burger place you like a lot?”

“That sounds splendid, I would love to, but I’m not hungry yet.”

“Me neither, maybe later.” Oh, Bandit’s favorite song , why? because Jäger always appears in his mind whenever he hears it.

Time still passed by, Jäger started to get sleepy eventually, since Bandit is his official body pillow, he would likely turn sleepy if he rests himself over the man. Bandit noticed Jäger’s sleepiness right away and started rubbing his chin against Jäger’s forehead to scratch him with his beard, knowing damn well Jäger hated it.

“Stop it dom, don’t ruin the night.” Jäger begged as he tried to pull away from Bandit, but his grip was tight.

“Look Mari! a shooting star!” Bandit ceased bothering the pilot and pointed at the sky, a big white line painted through the obscure night.

“Wow, that’s pretty big…” Jäger stared at the sky, following with his eyes the line traced in the sky.

“Did you wish for something?” Bandit spoke when the shooting star disappeared from the sky.

“Not really, I have everything I could’ve ever wanted, you.” Bandit couldn’t help but blush, Jäger was too pure for him.

“Well I did wish for something, I-” Bandit let go of the pilot to stand up, then extended both his hands to help Jäger stand up, once he grabbed his hands, he pulled him strongly, making him jump to stand up.

“No! don’t say your wish out loud! otherwise it won’t come true!” Jäger stared into his honey-colored eyes as they held hands under the moonlight.

“But Mari, in order for this wish to come true, I have to say it out.” Bandit grabbed both of Jäger’s hands and kissed them, tingling them with his beard.

“What do you-?” Bandit let go of his hand and pulled the box in his pocket that was previously poking his side as he knelt on the ground.

“Will you marry this idiot?” Bandit looked up, opening the box in half revealing a simple but beautiful ring. Jäger covered his mouth, muffling a gasp, his eyes started watering thoroughly as he energetically nodded up and down.

“Of course! yes! I want to marry you so badly Dominic…” Jäger threw himself over Bandit into a hug, hugging him so tightly Bandit started wheezing. Jäger couldn’t stop crying from happiness, he was just so happy to be together forever with the man he is truly in love with.

“Marius, please, I want to be with you for the rest of my life... '' Bandit also hugged him tightly, he felt his shoulder soaking wet from Jäger’s tears. “ I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you by my side.” That made Jäger cry even more, Bandit isn’t cheesy or cursi, and him expressing his feelings with words is rare, he’d often express himself physically.

“Oh come on…” Jäger separated their bodies to hold Bandit’s jaw with both his hands, observing and scanning every inch of his face, then crashed their lips together lovingly, caressing Bandit’s short hair. “I want the same as you…”

“Lovely…” Bandit whispered, grabbing Jäger’s right hand to slide the gold ring into his ring finger, then proceeded to kiss it. Jäger observed his ring for a couple of seconds before pulling Bandit into another hug. “Kay’ hubby, are you hungry yet?”

Jäger nodded before letting go of his fiancé, he then wiped off the humidity of his eyes. “A burger would be nice.”

“Well, let’s get going, Katze.” Bandit said as he grabbed, dusted off his jacket, and wore it, walking down towards the trees they came from. “Please.” Bandit gestured as he lifted a branch that blocked the way, letting Jäger pass safely.

“Thank you, Dominic, this night was lovely.” Jäger spoke as he sat behind Bandit and wore his helmet.

“You’re lovelier.” Bandit assured, turning on the bike and driving off to that burger stand jäger loved.

I also posted this in AO3! I would really appreciate it if you gave it some love! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28008717

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smol-grey-tea · 4 years

Text

Here's that Mental Wellbeing Competition thing I submitted if anyone's interested. I did wanna make my own MaDD information guide anyways and now that I think about it I might do something like this for other mental illnesses too.

Oh I also may have stolen some things people said for this but I put my own thoughts on it so it isn't just copy pasted oof sorry-

My Mental Illness

What has always bothered me about news, social media, and most people I meet is that they generally preach for mental health awareness and acceptance all the time, but I rarely hear people say much specific. They may reference anxiety and depression or may give suggestions on improving mental health, such as eating healthily or contacting friend, but the conversation typically ends there. In my opinion, the key to improving mental health awareness and acceptance is through sharing stories of those who have suffered through mental illnesses themselves, and starting conversations about specifically the more obscure and unknown mental health issues to encourage people to feel less alone about their own struggles as well.

I have chosen to give my story in hopes that it will help other people in my school too. The following details the mental illness I have, which is presently unknown to most of the world. Please read with an open mind.

Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

Everyone daydreams: sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but it's generally seen as only a minor nuisance of every day life. However, what you may not have heard of is a coping mechanism mental illness called maladaptive daydreaming disorder (often referred to as MaDD), in which people may daydream excessively, to the point where it severely negatively impacts their daily life, taking up approximately 56% of the day. My daydreams are often elaborate stories with well developed characters, but some MaDDers may daydream about their normal life. 82% of MaDDers also report that daydreaming is usually accompanied by a repetitive movement, such as tapping, rocking, or pacing (like me), especially whilst listening to music.

Just like any other mental illness, MaDD can be caused by trauma, abuse or neglect, but it can also, in my case, be caused simply by boredom or loneliness.

Current Research

Unfortunately, as of the time I'm writing this in early May 2020, maladaptive daydreaming disorder is not recognised as an official mental illness by professionals because it is so newly discovered so it is currently still being researched. Eli Somer - the man who coined the name maladaptive daydreaming - co-authored several papers on it with Cynthia Schupak and Jayne Bigelsen. Bigelsen was also the subject of an early case study which saw her cured of MaDD with SSRIs, and more recently she has built a website to support people dealing with unknown conditions like MaDD: https://jaynerachael.com/groups/?maladaptive-daydreaming-disorder/

As it isn't an official mental illness, there is no official treatment, however personally, I find that using a diary app such as Daylio helps me remember to do important tasks as I feel proud when I keep a streak of not pacing for a long time or even just something simple like brushing my teeth. Other MaDDers recommend keeping the mind occupied with 2 tasks at a time or dedicating certain times a day to daydreaming.

Key Terminology

Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder/Maladaptive Daydreamer/MaDD/MaDDer/MDD/MD: MDD actually stands for major depressive disorder, and because MD can still be confused with major depression, MaDD is the acronym to use for maladaptive daydreaming disorder.

Immersive Daydreaming/Immersive Daydreamer/ID/IDer: An immersive daydreamer is someone who also has vivid and elaborate daydreams but they are not maladaptive and don't negatively impact their life.

Para: The people in our daydreams feel much more special and personal than simple characters in a story, so we coined the word para, which comes from the Greek word, meaning beside or next to.

Parame: A parame is essentially the 'me' that exists in the daydreams - for example, my parame's name is North.

Parain: A very recently coined term by a friend of mine - I don't have any parains myself but to some MaDDers, the term para is seen as a very positive word and so they don't feel comfortable referring to evil or 'villain' characters as paras so parain was coined.

Veritbond/Verit: Coined from the Latin word for true, veritbond/verit refers to a para that is a lot more special than the rest of them. To use a personal example, my verit, Red is the only para who I love and wish was real and I feel genuinely depressed when I don't daydream about him - this is completely different to the rest of my paras, and while I do care about them I don't really love or miss any of them.

Paracosm: This term refers to a daydreaming world or story. Some MaDDers have many different paracosms, some only have one, while I personally only have 2: the 1st (that I've name Shelter) is roughly 6 years old and the 2nd (Lost Children) is about 2-3 years.

Neuronarrative: The paracosm of a neuronarrator.

Thisverse: This word refers to reality, in comparison to paracosm or neuronarrative.

Paramay/Separatember: An online event in May and September in which MaDDers share their paras and talk about them, using a theme for each day of the month.

Daydream Crash: This refers to when a MaDDer feels sad or disappointed that their daydreams and paras aren't real.

Daydream Block: Similar to an art block or writing block, this refers to when a MaDDer finds it difficult to daydream. When I'm in a daydream block my mind often feels blank or blurry and it makes me feel depressed.

Daydream Trigger: This refers to something that triggers a person to daydream. The most common daydream triggers are music, TV, books, movies, etc.

Myths and Misconceptions

1. "But everyone daydreams!"

Yes, everyone does daydream, but maladaptive daydreaming involves daydreaming to an unhealthy extent. In my experiences, daydreaming often prevents me from eating, sleeping, staying hygienic, doing homework/revision, talking to my friends/family, doing hobbies, etc. It's maladaptive, that's why it's a mental illness.

2. "Why don't you just stop?"

Maladaptive daydreaming is a behavioural addiction and stopping MaDD would give me the same struggles that an alcoholic would have when trying to stop drinking alcohol. Daydreaming is constantly happening because I always have thoughts in my brain; I'm like an alcoholic with an endless supply of alcohol.

3. "That sounds so fun! I wish I had your creativity!"

MaDD can be fun in theory of course and the idea of daydreaming about such amazing things all the time sounds great but it isn't like that at all.

Firstly, I suppose I do have control over when or how I daydream but I have a very limited control over what I daydream about. I remember one point in the past where I was happily daydreaming about Shelter, my 1st paracosm, but I then soon started to daydream about Lost Children, and since I could only daydream about my verit in Shelter, this made me feel depressed.

Secondly, I also often have quite disturbing/dark daydreams. I call it an emotionally devastating/EmDe daydream because, when I daydream a para's pain, I can almost physically feel it, and it makes my heart hurt. EmDe daydreams have to be what I hate the most about MaDD because I would never want to see such horrible things happen to the people I love, and it makes me feel guilty for imagining such sick and disgusting things for my own brain's entertainment. I feel better though, knowing that I share these struggles with most, if not all, other MaDDers.

In addition to that, the obsession and connection with my parame has led to my own fear of needles and surgery, all because of her own trauma. My brain has created a fake person, with fake trauma, and given me real fear.

No, maladaptive daydreaming is not 'fun'.

4. "Isn't that just schizophrenia?"

No, all MaDDers can easily understand the difference between reality and fiction, and while our daydreams can be quite vivid at times, we know they aren't real. None of us have any sort of hallucinations, delusions or paranoia, unless we also have schizophrenia alongside MaDD - which isn't unheard of, since MaDD usually accompanies other mental illnesses, and people like me, who only have MaDD, aren't too common.

#actually mentally ill #actually madd #mental illness #mental health #tw mental health #madd #madd info #my post

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laughing-with-god · 5 years

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Hi!!! I've just started following you (yandere is my guilty pleasure, so thank god I found your blog) so I don't really know if you take requests or not (I think not), but would you consider, anytime in the future, doing a yandere fanboys but with exo? I loved the BTS one and I'm curious to see how an exo one would turn out ❤️❤️❤️

BITCH I WAS AN EXO-L BEFORE ANYTHING. (Tbh I consider myself more of one than an army but that’s controversial so👀🤫)

Suho- Supportive stan. Buys anything and everything concerning you and your group. The type of guy to buy multiple copies of the same merch or album bc he just wants to support his baby. Has went to multiple fanmeets and concerts, you have seen him many times. Isn’t a big fan of social media but just got an account to follow you. His friends know that whenever they hang out with him, they’re gonna have to catch an earful about the latest thing you did. Tries imitating little catch phrases or stunts you’ve done on variety shows or V-live. Doesn’t participate in fan wars bc he’s classy but if someone said anything negative about you, he would def just make an disgusted face and leave their presence. KING of sending gifts, has handed you a few small ones during fanmeets.

Lay- Very sheepish about his love for you. Buys all the merch and music but doesn’t let people know how big of a fan he is. Practices your choreo and songs, even has his own manlier versions for your performances. You’re the inspiration for any love songs he writes/composes from that point on. He tries to act like how he thinks you would want in a man. If he thinks you like the gentle type, then he’ll practice acting more coy and content. If he thinks you like a manly man, he’ll hit the gym and act more bold. You’re his ideal type of woman. for the few times he did try to date after discovering you, he couldn’t stand women who didn’t resemble you in any way. His wardrobe will change to alter himself into your style. He doesn’t really notice it, the progression happens naturally/subconsciously. His dream is to one day perform with you.

Chen- Everyone within a five mile radius will now how obsessed this guy is with you. Hums your songs everyday while doing mundane chores. Excitedly squeals whenever you update any social media, not caring where the fuck he is. Regularly posts covers of your songs. You’re his phone background, iPad, Apple Watch, laptop EVERYTHING. Dances excitedly whenever he hears your music. Denies being a solo stan, but like he ain’t fooling anything bc he mainly only belts out YOUR lyrics and only half-assedly hums along to the other members’ lines. Not above getting nasty if someone attacks your reputation. Very protective as well, HATES dating rumors with a passion. Really wants to collaborate with you.

Chanyeol- Thinks he is being slick about his love for you but tbh he is not. Religiously streams your music, wears merch and will refuse to leave the house if you were gonna make an appearance on tv bc HE CANNOT MISS IT DAMMIT. Covers your songs, all acoustic. Comments on all your social media pics about how gorgeous you are. The type of guy to need at least a day of no one talking to him after you made a comeback bc he is just so flabbergasted. You will be his background and everything for any electronic he owns. The type to get livid if you looked like you were getting thinner or worn out by schedules. He doesn’t hate girl groups but he doesn’t like them either bc they are your competition. (Still hasn’t forgiven Twice for stealing that award from you). Boy groups annoy him though, will def be naive enough to believe all dating scandals concerning you. He now hates all of Bts, Wanna One, Got7 and half of NCT bc why were they looking at you with heart eyes at that award show?!

Baekhyun- Could shout his devotion to you from the mountain tops. Sings your songs more than his own. Bold asl, def the type to slip up while on Tv and admit he fucking adores you. (Suho will have his ass on a platter for that but like 🤷🏻‍♀️). Headass enough to copy your outfits, tells himself that he’s just completing the other half of the ‘couple aesthetic’. Would drop anything and everything to watch your insta live or check your lastest social media post. Chanyeol bought him a backstage ticket for one of your shows and baekhyun almost promised to give Yeol his first born he was so touched. Thinks he is being subliminal by adding little hints for his love for you on his insta captions but everyone knows what’s up. Sends letters and gifts your way, squeals so loud if you respond in any way. Already has your future kids names picked out. He tired to figure out what type of perfume you wore so he could spray it on his clothes to feel closer to you. Would die before he admits it to anyone.

D.O- Silent stan. His obsession with you is so well hidden. None of the members would even know about it until someone says something slightly offputting about you and Kyungsoo puts them in their place. Adoringly calls you his ‘wifey’ in his mind. Watches variety shows, movies or interviews over and over again. Almost every night. You know those ASMR videos with idols? He listens to yours to fall asleep. Your voice is just so soothing to him. Practices making your favorite meals. Trains himself to remember information about you. He hates thinking that there could be another fan out there who knows more about you then he does. Fav food, pet peeves, height, weight, blood type, school name, birthday ect. HE KNOWS IT ALL. sings your songs to himself often but doesn’t dare post covers. He personally finds covers to be really offensive. The only person who should be singing your songs is you. No other voice could top your delightful tone. Reads tips on how to be a good husband in preparation for you.

Xiumin- uwu stan. Tries to recreate your pictures for his own social media. Quiet but supportive of you, won’t openly blast your music when others are near but when he’s by himself? Hell yeah, sign him tf up. Wants to be your ideal man, starts dressing differently for you. Covers your songs and likes singing along with you on the radio bc he adores the sound of your voices together. Gets hella hurt with dating rumors, don’t mention it around him bc he’ll just get really silent and gloomy. Lowkey he can be pretty petty with other boys who lingered too long at you at events or award shows. Collects polloroid pictures of you, goes over them every night. Has dipped into fanfic about you once or twice bc it just fills this hole inside him. An insufferable urge to be with you. Gets a new cat and names it after you. (Unless ofc you hate cats and prefer dogs bc Xiumin would abandon his love of cats for you)

Kai- He wasn’t sure how it started....okay that’s a lie. Jongin first just thought you were a really fashionable and chic idol. He kept an eye out for you just bc you were very different, but then it grew into an infatuation. He stopped watching you simply for fashion reasons and started watching you bc he was just so enchanted by you. You could advertise a product and he’d the type to go buy it just bc it’s you advertising it. It could literally be something so stupid, like a dish sponge but Jongin would still quietly go out and buy 15 bc like your face is on it....he hates dating rumors concerning him. Like when fans pair him up with Jennie or Krystal, he gets pressed bc like obvi it’s YOU he should be with not them. Very terrified of the idea you could come across his dating rumors and think he’s not loyal to you.

Sehun- Proud, certified Y/n trash. Would wear your merch everyday if he could. His most played songs are all from you. If you ever were on a movie, drama or tv show then they would immediately be his favorite, binge watches it multiple times. Changes his style to fit your aesthetic. Would burn his entire wardrobe if it didn’t suit your tastes. Watches your social media very closely. It’s pretty obvious to other people that he likes you bc you’re literally the only person he follows on insta. Copies your posts for his own account. (I.e; the Miranda Kerr incident👀) He monitors what other people say about you, once got into a heated debate with a nitizen in an effort to defend your honor. Wants to start his own fan café for you. Can and will send expensive gifts your way. The type of guy to look up your guys’ astrological signs and read the compatibility reports. Helps him feel closer to you. If you ever came on screen while his dog was nearby, he point and say “Look vivi, it’s mommy!”

#exo #exo reactions #yandere exo #kpop #chanyeol #sehun #baekhyun #yandere #yixing #lay #kai #jongin #suho #xiumin #jongdae #chen

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