#but im broke and freezing and in pain and alone. this story's ending fucking sucks

[nonbinarybaby]

What was your first heartbreak like? What happened to you/what did they do?

Oh boy. That is a very long, and involved story, but I’ll try and explain the gist of it. I’ll put it under the cut here, just in case nobody wants to read it, but I guess if you want to, click on down ‘ere.

Surprisingly, my first heartbreak wasn’t my first love- she never really broke my heart, only wounded it- but in the end, she and I are still good friends, even today. 

No, my first heartbreak was with my first love who was a Male. I’m not gonna say his real name for Privacy purposes, but lets just call him Vincent. 

So, Vincent was 19 years old and in grade 12 (i can’t remember why he didn’t graduate on time/may have skipped out a year and came back) and I was 15 years old, and in grade 10. 

It was my first year of choir (I got into both of the audition-only choirs, but there was a non-audition, and as part of the credit you had to go to all of it, which was fine with me cause i loved it, but yeah) This choir was the non-auditioned choir, Meistersingers. Anybody could join, and it was a cool way to meet people, sing, and you got a school credit for it- plus all the fun trips and concerts and all that.

So, Vincent is in Meistersingers. But he was a huge loner. I never paid much attention to people around me, but I heard stories about him- not so much *about* him, but just girls gawking at how he was so hot and mysterious (kinda emo-punk) and they were too scared to talk to him because of how attractive and gloomy he seemed to be. 

 One day he was sitting alone against the wall, and I was talking to a friend, and I overheard this same conversation I’d heard SO MANY TIMES. And I was like

Y’know what? Enough. ENOUGHHHH.

So I marched over to him, with everyone in the vicinity watching in silence (because they thought it was so horrifying I was ACTUALLY going to talk to him.) And I stand right in front of him. He looks up at me, and I point at his socks (fuzzy, mismatched pink and green ones) and I point at mine (coincidentally, also fuzzy and mismatched at the time) and I smile and say “We have matching socks, and therefore, are now best friends. Now High-five me!”

 I held my hand in the air for like, 5 seconds before he BURSTS into laughter, giving me a high five, shaking his head while smiling up at me. He thanked me for the laugh and I asked his name, which he told me, and I said mine was Kate- He said “I know.” And I smiled and left.

After that day, he smiled at me and would make small conversation with me in Choir. We started hanging out during that time quite a lot. Eventually, i realized I was getting a crush on him- but, alas, he had a girlfriend. Woe is 15-year-old me. 

 But, he asked me to go with him for coffee after class one day- which was fine, since I had to wait for my mom to drive me home every day (I’m scared of schoolbusses- that’s a story for another day) So we go to a coffee shop and he’s talking with me.

 Basically Vincent tells me that he’s been feeling like, emotionally distraught because of his relationship. Apparently his girlfriend hadn’t been treating him well and making him feel pretty shitty, and then I came along and like made everything better. At this point my head is swirling because I had really low self esteem (was also still extremely depressed and an addict back then) and so this was like- what? wow. Me? Are you sure?

 He looked like he was going to hold my hand and decided against it but just told me that he was thankful I was around. 

 So, Cue hanging out more for another week and a half. Then he texts me and asks him to come see him on my break (I worked at a fast food place just a 4 minute walk from where he worked.) So I book over there, and He walks around the counter and just hands me his phone. I looked at it- he and his girlfriend broke up. And he just hugs me. I can tell he’s clearly upset, but i felt kind of relieved that I was the person he reached out to first things first. 

 So, I asked him the next day if he wanted to talk about it because I genuinely wanted him to be okay, but he said it was all good.

 We keep hanging out more and more, and it’s clear flirting is involved at this point. Eventually, there’s a school dance coming up, and we went together. Had a fun old time- he taught me how to dance. I remember it was one of the happiest nights of my life thus far. I stayed at his house that night, fell asleep cuddling him on his couch. After I fell asleep, he got up at some point and went to his room. (I called my mom before staying there and she was fine with it- she trusted me and my judgements.)

 So we keep talking and he has admitted he feels things for me, and I admit the same. And it also ends up leading to him saying that he felt tempted to try to do some *ahem* ~naughty~ things with me that night I stayed with him. But out of respect, removed himself. 

 Now, I was very insecure. And I am aware- 15 and 19? I should have kept it together more. But, I was afraid of him leaving, and I already didn’t know how to love myself or what it really felt like to be properly loved by someone else. So the next time I stayed over, I let some stuff happen. 

 Things continue on like that- we were always together at school, even holding hands, he had become my best friend, almost- aside from my actual best friend, whose name for the case of this story was Abby. 

 I introduced them both at the dance, actually, and was super happy they got along. We would all hang out together sometimes, and It felt like my life was really turning around. But the only shitty thing- I wasn’t officially dating Vincent. He never asked me out, And i was too afraid to ask. 

 Cue in this trip to a big city (like a long ass charter bus ride) for a choir competition/trip! It was super overwhelming because I spent so much time bonding with Vincent on our free time, It was also my first solo in a performance and it was a freestyle so I was geekin’- and I got good reviews! So we had to leave and head back home right after our performance (the one with my solo), So i’m already on an emotional high, because I did it and I nailed it! Go me!

 I get back to the busses (3 busses, the guys  were changing on one, girls on another, and then met up between) and I change , and my friend (lets call her Avera) Smiles and hugs me, shouting congratulations. And i was like “Thanks, I know, I can’t believe I actually did the solo well-” And she looks at me funny like “No, that isn’t what I meant..” So, I ask, naturally because what else could it be?

 And then she says “Vincent told me you guys are dating!”

 And I just freeze and im like….. well what in the fresh flying fuck is this

LIke that’s news??? to meeee?????????? wot

so, i change and go to the bus where everyone’s meeting. And sit down next to vincent, who congratulates me on my solo. And I shyly blurt out, “Am I your girlfriend?”

 And he just smiles slowly and says “Do you want to be?” And i Just nod, and then he says “well then, yeah.” 

 So, I hug him, and things seem all well and good.

 Until a week later, when my brother told my parents there was a rumour we were having sex (which wasn’t entirely true?? we fooled around but we didn’t have full penetrative sex because I was too scared to (-:) So my parents were threatening to call the cops and all this other shit. 

 And so, ha ha ha, after all this time of waiting- Vincent broke up with me. 

 Yepppppp. It sucked. 

 But, confusing ass thing- He still insisted on hanging out with me constantly and being around me. 

 So things go back to the way they were. Fooling around, being together, kissing, hugging, being so emotionally, mentally, and physically intimate- just not offically dating. 

 And that goes on for a couple more months. 

 But then one day he just basically tells me to get out of his house. And that he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore. 

 And the next day at school, he’s got his arm looped around this girl who is super fucking thin (I was too, but she was like mega-thin) So I wondered if it was because I was too fat. Too young. Too depressed. Too annoying. Too dumb. Too anything. Too me. 

 Thus, I go spiralling back into a severe pit of depression- worse than before I had met him. My addiction worsened, my blackouts worsened, my mental state completely depleted. 

 A month later, I heard he and this girl had broken up, but apparently he was still seeing someone. I didn’t want to hear anything about it. All i knew was I wanted to see my best friend, Abby- Desperately so. I needed someone. I could feel my pain and emotions building up like a volcano, just on the cusp of erupting, but she was constantly busy, and always had an excuse not to see me. I brushed it off cause I knew her mom wasn’t the healthiest- chalked it up to her being busy helping her. 

 But one day I hit a point where I knew I was on the brink. I really felt like I was going to seriously harm myself, and I wanted to. I fucking wanted to. But I still had a shred of hope, a part of me that screamed to talk to someone. 

 I called Abby 5 times. No answer. I texted her desperately. I pulled my hair and waited 5 more minutes, just hoping- and then my phone buzzed. And I got a text that read essentially, this-

 “Kate, I’m sorry, but I have to tell you the truth- I can’t keep it from you anymore. The reason I’ve been avoiding you, is that Vincent and I are dating now. I know that it’s shitty of me, but I care about him too much to let him slip by. I hope you’ll forgive me somehow.”

 I stared at my phone for 20 minutes, barely breathing. I didn’t even realize when I started crying my eyes out. I replied something along the lines of “I hope you rot in hell, and that you always regret choosing the guy who broke me over your best-fucking-friend, because he will never replace what I was to you.” (sidenote: not even 6 months later they broke up, and a year later she apologized to me desperately. I forgave her, even though it still hurt, but i’m over it now.) At the time of this happening, though- this was it. this was the explosion. 

 I don’t even really clearly remember what I did. I just know I ended up in the hospital for a bit. I won’t go into gory details, because that isn’t necessary. All you need to know is I had more therapy to go to, and I had to quit my job because I was too depressed to work at the time. I spent that summer basically just hiding from the world in my house, wondering why happiness wasn’t something I could have. 

 though at some point I was dragged out by friends to go hang out with some people- went to a hangout in my hometown for teens- and met this dude. I felt like I liked him, and soon enough we were dating. At my birthday party in the summer at my farm, me and friends and this guy were all there- and I get a text on my cell. 

 And it’s from Vincent. And it says - “I’m sorry. Happy birthday.”

 And that’s when I realized I didn’t even care about this guy who was with me. I waited two days and i broke up with him. I didn’t realize until then that He was a rebound (I didn’t know what that was lmao)

 But yeah so that text just made me super depressed again

 It took me until about the end of my grade 12 year to be completely over him. and even a little bit more than that, because at random times I would get really emotionally sick over how distraught what happened made me. And what I did to myself over it. (Shortly after Thomas and I started dating, we ran into him, and I bolted and Thomas couldn’t find me for a while. This was only about a month or two into dating, And I was still recovering mentally since I’d only been clean from my addiction for a couple months, so I was pretty raw. He was understanding, thankfully.) 

 So, it took me almost 2 and a half years to recover from the mental trauma I experienced from my first heartbreak. 

 I was trying to explain the gist, but there is no “gist” lmao. I can’t explain what happened without EXPLAINING what happened. Sorry bout it. 

 But well, yeah. So. That’s what happened. *Shrug* I’m over it now. I was 15 when it happened, and I turn 22 years old this July. 

 If anything, I hope this story didn’t make you sad. I hope it actually made you happy, somehow. Why, you may ask? 

 When I was 15, and crying and banging my fists on my thighs, wondering why I wasn’t good enough- I felt I would never be able to escape the horrid, all-encompassing pain I felt at that time. I felt I would be washed up in it forever, and never be able to leave it behind. 

 But now, I rarely think about it at all. The only time I do, is when I look deeply at my half-sleeve tattoo, or run my fingers along the scars that are now buried under something much more beautiful. I’ve come a long way, and grown into somebody that I definitely was not all those years ago. I’m happy now, and I love myself, and my life. And I actually am happy with those memories now, because I actually learned a lot about love, and myself, and how to deal with pain from it. 

 So, if you ever are feeling like you’ll never get past something, or it hurts too much- Sometimes it can take years- but you can do it. 

 It’ll all be okay.

 Someday. (: 

If you read this far, good for you. Here’s some free lovins’ as a gift ໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७ (ฅ⁍̴̀◊⁍̴́)و ̑̑

#LONG ASS POST #dl;dr #heartbreak #first heartbreak #first cis/male love #high school #15 #addiction #mental illness #breakdown #trigger warning #trigger warning? #moved on #almost 22 years old now #completely over it #happy w life and myself #pansexualtrash #me #my life #personal