#but if i did my jewish grandfather would rise from the grave and say ‘YOU DON’T NEED IT BECAUSE YOU’RE PERFECTLY JEWISH AS YOU ARE’

[shoutsindwarvish]

two different rabbis directly to me + multiple places online: jewish imposter syndrome is real and is (to varying degrees) almost a universal experience in one way or another

me, who has been actively practicing for over nine months and taken multiple classes while also being halachically jewish by birth: i am the exception and am an imposter in jewish spaces and should feel bad about it. no i will not elaborate on why i believe this is true of me and no one else.

#to be clear NONE of this shame is being messaged to me by my shul #i’m just so insecure since i was raised religiously christian and only officially stopped attending church in 2020 #*february 2020 #even though i’d been drawn to judaism and deeply uncomfortable with christianity for years before that #and also had a degree of jewish identity through my family and celebrating holidays secularly growing up #i stayed as long as i did because 1) the liturgy was familiar #and 2) i’d be guaranteed to see my best friend once a week #converts have to go through a gauntlet. i feel like i’ve…cheated. #part of me wonders if i should pursue an affirmation #whether it would help i mean #but if i did my jewish grandfather would rise from the grave and say ‘YOU DON’T NEED IT BECAUSE YOU’RE PERFECTLY JEWISH AS YOU ARE’ #on the other hand he was also an atheist and probably would have mixed feelings on me practicing at all #although i’m not the only grandkid who’s done so #two of my cousins (their mom is my mom’s sister) were raised catholic but switched to judaism at least 10 years ago #to my knowledge neither of them went through an affirmation process #ughhhhh #my posts #jumblr #i guess i did elaborate why in the tags huh

[thenuanceddebater]

1-36

Ugh. You absolute ass. This is gonna be long.

1: What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Graduated college, won a Spanish award, wrote over a 30 page paper, lived alone in a single apartment, ended the process of Yud Bais Chodesh (year-long Jewish Mourning process), probably some other stuff that I’m forgetting. 

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any last year. I did make some for this year which are holding strong and making a positive difference in my life so far. 

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

 Nope. No births in the family. 

4: Did anyone close to you die?

Also no deaths.

5: What countries did you visit?

I didn’t leave the country- last year of schooling and all and I graduated in the summer. Planning on going to Israel again this summer though. 

6: What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A good job after college. An apartment with my girlfriend. That’s about it. 

7: What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 3, 2017 when I graduated from college. There are specific memories I will always have (my swan song, watching my girlfriend’s thesis defense for her honor’s major, etc.) but I’m really bad with actual dates. 

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year

Graduating from college. That’s a pretty big one. 

9: What was your biggest failure?

Letting my anxiety rule my life too much. Part of the reason why I don’t have what I want was that I let my anxiety control me until it was too late. Getting better at that now. Always improving, right? 

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

No injury. But the aforementioned anxiety was officially diagnosed in 2017. I also started therapy. 

11: What was the best thing you bought?

Probably the six case law books from my college’s law library that they were going to throw away because they bought the new editions. It was around $5 for each and they had a wealth of knowledge. I had used them in some of my essays. They were good books. 

12.Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My girlfriend’s. She got out of her house, has an apartment with roommates now, bought a car, and has a good job in her field. That’s pretty damn good. 

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Trump. And also my brother who stole money out of my wallet to pay for vaping stuff that he’s legally not allowed to have, and spent over $ 9,000 (according to an ongoing fraud investigation) in microtransactions. But mostly Trump. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books for college/ pleasure reading, living expenses. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Graduating college and moving on with my life. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

Probably Despacito. Just because of how ubiquitous it became and the Spanish connection which was the last class I needed to take before graduating. 

 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier, fatter (though also more muscular, and working on that), slightly poorer. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Job applications, hanging out with friends and letting people know how much they matter to me. Oh, and studying. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Procrastinating. Worrying about everything and being paralyzed by anxiety. 

20: How did you spend Christmas

With the entirety of my paternal family for Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) and then with my mother, stepfather, brother, and sister for Christmas Day. 

21: Did you fall in love in 2017?

I was already in love in 2017. I did fall more in love though. I’m apparently a hopeless romantic like that. 

22. What was your favourite TV program?

New program? Mindhunters. 

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t really hate people or hold grudges in general. Even when most people think I probably should. So, no. 

24: What was the best book you read?

The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America by George Packer, or The Dark Continent by Mark Mazower. Runner-up is One Nation After Trump (which was fun, but I knew most of already). 

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

New band wise? The Deer Hunter. Personally? Increasing my range while signing and seeing that I’ve somehow improved in sight-reading on the clarinet are probably tied (also re-familiarizing myself with the clarinet would be up there., but that’s not really a “discovery”). 

26: What did you want and get?

Most of the books I wanted, a week-long skiing vacation with my girlfriend. Video games. 

27: What did you want and not get?

A new PC. A good job. An apartment with my girlfriend. 

28: What was your favourite film of this year? 

Honestly, probably The Disaster Artist because I love The Room. And that movie was fantastic. That or Guardians of the Galaxy 2 which wasn’t quite as good as the previous one, but was still pretty great. Not The Last Jedi. Just. No. I really need to watch more movies though. I didn’t see nearly as many in 2017 as I usually do. 

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My relationship. More than that, I refuse to say here. Though you’re welcome to ask. 

30:  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017

I have no real style outside of dress clothes (where I really do have style). I mostly wore things that were comfortable and pretty casual this year. Much less preppy than 2015-2016. 

31: What kept you sane?

My friends and my girlfriend who listened to way too many rants. Good outlets. My mother and grandmothers (both of them). 

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I really, really don’t care about celebrities. I don’t get crushes on them (never really have), and I don’t follow their lives. Sorry. 

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

A lot of stuff. But the most would have to be a three-way tie between human rights concerns, Antisemitism rising in the United States, and the potential decline of the rule of law. 

34: Who did you miss?

My grandfather. Every single day. He never got to see me graduate. And he was definitely my father figure. That was hard. Alav ha-shalom Grandpa. 

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017

You are more than you let yourself be.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Aint no grave can hold my body down” from the song “Aint no Grave” by the great Johnny Cash. Because I’m much stronger than I thought I was. 

#nuance #Q&A #2017 asks #personal #do not do this again #reasonandempathy