#but ghghh i dont care | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

etherealskeletons · 4 years

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she rly asked me if i found a baptist suitor yet and telin me its hard to make a baby without one nd god made me to be a wife and momma nd how boys arent so yucky once they get their hooks into me im jus

LIKE first of all,, i would never marry anyone in their church bc theyre in this weird cult where men can do everything and anything they wanna do while women basically become sex slaves for their man and do nothing but sit at home and take care of the kids. no rights for women!!! they must cover everything up and be silent and always praise the man and do everything he says bc hes the man and they should allow the man to verbally abuse them in front of everyone and call all women stupid cum-guzzling whores IN FRONT OF THEIR LITTLE GIRL BABY!!!!!! they also told me jesus was like, clean cut and clean shaven like a 1950s white business man?? i never saw that part of jesus but like whatever this aint about that!!

i feel like its super intrusive for them to talk to me like that, i barely know them and they literally know nothing about me so i feel like its super inappropriate to tell me what to do with my body and how to live my life and how everything im doing is wrong and i jus wanna smack em!! i hate them sm!! anytime id say no im not about that life i dont wanna be like that they jus tell me its the only way and im jus >:I

i dont wanna marry someone as old as or older than my dad and be popping out kids once a year and be trapped inside the house all day everyday with kids i didnt want and stuck with an abusive man who belittles and berates me everyday in front of everyone bc a womans role in life isnt to be happy and married to someone they love their role in life is to literally be a sex slave bc I GUESS thats in the bible!!! thats fucking crazy DO NOT sign me up for that!!

i had to be honest with her about how im a r*pe victim and how [cis] men actually scare the shit outta me and they often make me really uncomfortable nd she was understanding [surprisingly] nd it was.. nice to get it out there? absolutely terrifying i felt sick the whole time i was waiting for her to reply and i just kept htinking “oh my god wHY did i write that i should never talk about that what was i thinking” but ts nice that she understood and agreed to drop the subject since it makes me sad and uncomfortable nd like she still sucks dont get me wrong i still dont like her but ts like.. nice to not get shit on for being That

SO anyway,, this aint about those hicks and their twisted fucked up way of life,, this is suppose to be about my commitment issues,, i guess ghghh

not to sound traumatized or anything but i never wanna get married or tied down to anyone! id rather be a cool live in boyfriend and be seen by the state as like, common law marriage or smth bc we lived together for so long. i mostly feel this way because like, if shit goes down i could just pack up a bag and leave. there wouldnt be tons of paperwork to fill out, i [hopefully] wouldnt owe anyone a fuckton of money, i wouldnt have to fight tooth and nail for things. i could just leave. and i already barely own anything anyway so like;; i dunno, i just feel like that kinda life is for the best? for me at least - i dunno about anyone else

when i was a kid i prolly woulda been on board with,,, all that garbage they were spewing at me BECAUSE - super cringe - my dream / goal in life was to get married and be in this big happy family. but i was a literal child when i had that dream and i also didnt know how the real world worked and honestly the only reason why i even wanted any of that garbage was because i was a lonely kid with a shit family and i just wanted to break away from it all and get swept off my feet like some kinda disney or nicholas sparks film and live happily ever after

when i grew up i still held on extremely hard to the idea that someone was going to take me away from everything. which was terrible because it led me into getting into a variety of really shitty relationships. even though a little part of me knew they were terrible and the whole thing was just a pile of shit, i stayed with them because a part of me thought “well, if shit gets rough, i can always cry to them and they can probably come pick me up!” - and they would always promise to take me away from my problems, whisper about how we’d live happily and quietly. it was all a lie, of course. they knew what words would make me stay, and they knew i was desperate for anything and maybe i was kinda easy bc i would put up with nearly everything if it meant i could maybe, someday, get away from it all. and thats really all i ever wanted in life. shit man i still yearn for that sometimes, even though its prolly like.. never gonna happen in this lifetime, a teensy little part of me still has hope that maybe ill find someone that tolerates my existence even a little bit and we can just live quietly and happily together

itll never happen tho. like, its a nice dream, but it doesnt seem realistic. for me, at least. i feel like its impossible. i feel like im this repulsive, gross being. even if im not i just!! hate myself. i hate this body i hate this brain i hate just about everything i have to offer! i dunno what anyone sees in me because im just this huge fucking mess of a person. i cry a lot, i stress the fuck out about everything and everyone - even if its not a big deal! im always tired but i cant sleep at night because i overthink my entire life and worry and get sad over things i cant control. my nose is too big, im awkwardly shaped all over, my hair is usually greasy and gross because i get too depressed to exist most of the time. im just this gross mess, i find it hard to believe anyone would genuinely LIKE me, let alone love me

people who fall in love with me i feel like they just always fall in love with the idea of me or they fall in love with my looks [SOMEHOW idk how bc im jus.. kinda hard to look at imo] but once they actually get to be around me and get to know who i really am as a person its just all downhill because they see that its rly not great and that i kinda really fucking suck

maybe its the trauma of all my past shit relationships that makes me extremely hesitant to get into anything serious and to actually let down my walls and like, let them in. maybe its the fact that every relationship ive ever witnessed literally never works out and ends with an extremely messy divorce and custody battle, or the ones that decide to stay together are just miserable and waiting for one of them to die so they can finally live. i dunno! i dunno if love is real. like i love all my friends, i love a very select few members of my family, i love a lot of things but i just! have doubts that relationship-love stuff is real. i dunno if i ever genuinely fell in love with anyone, or if i just looked at them as a way to get the fuck out and thought they were kinda pretty. and i guess since they were nice to me that made me go fucking weak in the knees and everything because not a lot of people were nice to me and id end up wondering if thats what love is when being a basic human being to someone isnt suppose to be like, a huge deal. thats suppose to be normal and not heart-throbbing shit [but i guess my trauma makes little shit like that seem swoon worthy. cringe]

part of me feels shitty for feeling like that yknow bc like! those were people, real live human beings! and i used em!! but they used me too, in a lot of ways that i didnt want and i just let happen bc i was scared of speaking up [rly now that im older im starting to realize i was heavily groomed by all the adults in my family and by my friends to be silent about everything bad and everything that makes me uncomfortable because really nobody fucking cares so just suck it up and let it happen and be quiet about it because it makes others happy and their happiness is more important than your own comfort. ahhh regret regret regret. i have too many regrets for someone thats only 22. i regret always being so quiet about things that were never suppose to happen and for letting them happen because i wanted the other person to be happy and i guess bc i thought that was love even though it always made me physically ill and disgusting] maybe were even, since in a way i was using them as some kinda escape plan and i was using them for attention and whatever love and / or kindness i didnt get enough of as a child. maybe were both shitty people that deserved each other, maybe i did something to deserve all the bad shit that came my way, maybe maybe maybe..

i know relationships work out for SOME people. ive seen it work out for friends and im always supes happy for them!! but i feel like im one of those unlucky bitches that always gets attracted to/attracts feral weirdo bastards that wanna keep me chained up in the basement and away from everyone bc theyre phobic of someone catching feelings for me and me leaving their ass i guess bc that was kinda all my previous relationships and really the people i attract in real life are all kinda like that

BUT.. i dunno, maybe i gotta figure out how to let go of the past and let my walls down. find someone thats actually good and let them in. but its scary, i dunno if its even worth it. i feel like im not worth anything good so rly whats the point. ill prolly die before 30 anyway so, i shoudlnt worry or care about any of this

#💀.txt #diary #i cant afford therapy so ykno what that means!! proceeds to cry on my keyboard about my issues #thsi is rly just a huge ramble and its kinda dumb but it had me thinkin.. about like everything - yknow?

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