#but considering the fucking AWFUL headspace ive been in lately because of her i think this qualifies

[meowthiroth]

been feeling a little bad about my lack of drawing/making anything lately, but like… tbh I probably shouldn’t be so worried because it definitely hasn’t been without reason.

the main issue’s been my living situation. since the pandemic kind of killed my ability to go back to art school (well, that and I was constantly under so much stress/so much horrible shit kept happening while I was a student there that I seriously think i might’ve developed some ptsd from it >_> but that’s a LONG-ass story so I won’t be unpacking all of that here), i’ve been going back and forth between staying at both of my parents’ places.

Dad’s I don’t mind as much since I get along with him and my grandma a lot better, but it’s also basically impossible for me to focus on my artwork there. The whole house is like open concept and I don’t have my own room— I sleep out in this open extension by the dining room where there’s a foldout bed on the wall. So yeah, too much noise and not enough privacy. So I pretty much just go over there during the weekends so I won’t have to drive like 40 minutes just to get to my workplace.

The rest of the week I’m at my mom’s house, since it’s usually quiet there and I have my own room, so in theory I should be able to focus on my art better. But aside from the perk of extra privacy, living there for the past couple years has been a fucking nightmare.

I’ve never really gotten along that well with my mom, even when I was a kid, because she was always super distant with me & treated me more like a personal assistant or a showpiece than her own kid. I was basically only there to either do work for her (including jobs SHE was hired to do but I was usually unpaid for my help, until I got older and kinda put my foot down about it because like… hey yknow I DO need to save for college and stuff…), or so she could show me off and parade me around to make herself look good. Aside from those things, she RARELY ever made an effort to connect with me or even show that she cared about me on an emotional level. She acted like she knew everything and I knew nothing, like I didn’t deserve privacy or autonomy, like I couldn’t be trusted to take care of myself or make my own decisions or even do basic household chores without instructions, even when I was CONSTANTLY proving otherwise. Even when the decisions she made on my behalf & forced me to go along with were actively harmful to me. I’d get ignored or snapped at whenever I tried to ask a question, brushed off & talked over whenever I tried to raise my own concerns about something, and belittled, guilt-tripped and gaslit into submission whenever I tried to stand my ground against her or call her out on her shit. I felt like I had no control over my own life, no autonomy. I was stuck marching by the tick of her clock. And it drove me fucking nuts.

And surprise-surprise, all of that never really went away, not even after I got back from college. If anything, it’s been getting progressively WORSE since I got back from college. Like, it’s actually been kind of ridiculous lately because she just. does all this bullshit CONSTANTLY and then tries to act like I’M the asshole when I even get so much as mildly annoyed by it. She’s fully aware that I’m creative, driven, and talented as hell, and that I could EASILY strike it out on my own if given the opportunity. She’s seen numerous examples of my skill, she hears from everyone else all the time how talented and hardworking I am. She’s seen me literally wearing costume pieces and official merch I designed around the house, and she asked to take pictures of it to send to her friends.

And yet she barely even treats me like a human being. She pulls the “you don’t pay rent or any bills around here, I do” card to guilt-trip me a lot, as if I should have to PAY her to get her to stop making me feel guilty just for existing. And yet she’s never actually ASKED me to pay rent or given me a bill to pay, even though I’ve literally OFFERED to pay for stuff and she just ignores it. I guess she just likes being able to hold it over my head and keep acting like her basically keeping me trapped out here in the middle of bumfuck nowhere so she can use me as her personal housekeeper/employee is somehow an act of charity.

So yeah, all that shit considered, home’s been a super toxic environment for me for a LONG time now, and I’m done putting up with it. I’m moving out. Wanted to wait on it until after I got my driver’s license, but i realized it’s gonna be REALLY tough to make that happen since we’re so far away from the closest DMV, and quite frankly, I don’t think I can wait any longer. I’ve had a place lined up for a while now, a house closer to town with a few of my close friends. I’ll be sharing a room, but the rent’s fairly cheap and I already get along great with everyone there, so that ain’t a big deal to me.

But yeah I dunno, sorry about the ramble. I kind of just wanted to dump what was on my mind, sorry if any of this hit anyone too close to home. It’s been going smoothly so far, I’m almost done getting all my stuff over to my friends’ place, and once that’s done with I’ll just have to pick up whatever essentials I’m still missing, plus some furniture/storage type stuff. I’m excited about this! It’s gonna be a lot better for me in the long run, and hopefully I’ll start to get my art motivation back once I’m all settled in there!

#i don’t think I’m really gonna NEED money since I could just dip into my savings a little #but I guess if anyone feels like throwin a few bucks my way for some reason dm me and i can send you my cshap #normally i would only use my savings for like. a medical emergency or something #because my body fuckin hates me & I do NOT need any more medical debt hhh #but considering the fucking AWFUL headspace ive been in lately because of her i think this qualifies #at first I was nervous about moving out before I was ready but like. mom broke me. idc anymore I want OUT #ace screams into the void #vent// #long post under cut #vent under cut

[literupture]

my ac got fixed today, so after almost 2 weeks of being in a hot apartment and even more sleep deprivation than usual, i’m a little less miserable.

i gotta get this off my chest tho. i haven’t been okay for a while now. these past few months ive been feeling anxious and hurt by my friends over stuff they prolly dont even realize they’re doing. and it sucks because i cant say anything about it thanks to my RSD. but its just a fucking cycle of anxiety and anger. (why am i being treated this way? but am i wrong for feeling hurt about the way ive been treated?) i got over it a tiny bit for a few days or so, but this past month i’ve been in the absolute worst headspace. ive been getting progressively angrier with my friends recently because of all their stupid drama. mediate between these two friends. oh these other two friends are feuding because one’s being a prick and the other is secretly dating his ex, and that ex is your best friend. other friend is super flaky and is dealing with her own personal stuff but then acts offended that no one is around to hang with her, even tho she’s the one who doesn’t make an effort to be online before everyone has to go to bed.

im just fucking sick of it. i feel like all these friends whom i love, i’ve just been building resentment towards. and they don’t know about it, obviously. every minor annoyance just adds to the pile and i end up with a laundry list of reasons for “why x friend is pissing me off lately”. i feel like such a bitch for thinking this shit about them, like maybe im overreacting but at the same time i am justified in my feelings. im sick of their stupid drama. about 80 percent of the drama could be avoided too if they all just spoke to each other truthfully and acted like adults. we’re in our fucking mid-twenties, man. but some wanna throw a baby tantrum and others are being petty in response. and other times i just feel like im there, caring too much about everything and everyone, but no one gives a shit about me. two of these friends in particular barely even refer to me, even if it’s a game question i have an answer for. even if its a question specifically related to only me. they’ll just ask my partner. it’s like im not even there.

today was specifically rough. yes we got our ac fixed, but i was nearly late to an event and didn’t have time to eat or really wake up, so i was extra grumpy and angry. then i got into an argument with my best friend over some stupid fucking bullshit bc she said my hatred of harry potter “isn’t a valid opinion because you don’t have any personal experience, your views are secondhand” which is like???? that fucking sounds an awful lot like you just wanted to defend harry potter. i dont need to have read all the fucking books or seen all the movies to criticize harry potter. god. i literally said “sorry guys, i’ll just never offer my opinion on anything i haven’t personally interacted with, since it’ll just be invalid.” it’s a kinda childish thing to say but, fuck, man, i was so fucking hurt. things like this shit make me just wanna do what i’ve been considering for a while now, which is just fucking STOP talking to anyone. close myself off again. if everyone’s too busy in their fucking drama, fuck em, i’ll just focus on myself. what’s the fucking point being in a voice chat when i’ll just be straight up ignored or told my opinion isn’t valid. 

i can’t deal with this anymore. i haven’t been okay for a while and im just getting worse. and the only thing i can think to do is rebuild the walls that they all helped me break down. stop trying to worry why no one else cares enough, and just focus on myself. fuck them. at least for now. at least till im better, or i have the courage to speak my mind. i need to stop blaming myself when im the one being hurt.

im at my fucking limit. i need time to myself. i just dont want to push everyone away. i hate my brain.

#personal #vent

[almostdeaddepression]

In my feelings

so its 1:30am and i cannot get out of my head. im tired all the time but cant sleep. I started crying just because i miss my mom and I cant seem to do anything right. I feel like i should reach out for help but my two best friends have their own things going on. Like they also struggle with depression. 

One recently moved two states away from me and honestly that killed me. I know shes going through stuff in her life too, in a lot of ways that is more important and life changing than the stuff in my life. And the other friend has had some terrible awful things happen in her life. I want to be happy for them when they tell me theyre doing better. I want to feel for them when they tell me things are rough. I want to be there for them when they need someone to lean on and in a lot of ways I am. But, at the same time, i feel like im going through the motions of trying to be supportive because my own headspace is so dark.

Think breakaway glass used in theater and movies, my support for them is like that. and their issues are like water. like the glass will hold water however with any slight impact it will shatter. I genuinely try to be there for them, but as hard as i try i feel like i cannot get to a place where i can genuinely be there for them. And asking them for help would just seem like a burden. And i love them so much that i would never want them to think that my issues outweighed theirs in the slightest. 

i cant sleep. yet im so tired and god willing i would sleep all day if I could.

I feel selfish even thinking about unloading this on some of my friends. God, im so fucked up right now I feel like the hole im in keeps getting deeper and darker and I cant seem to pull myself out. Ive thought about this a lot. I feel like my depression and the way I feel isnt valid in the slightest.

for an example, my sister was diagnosed with depression in her teens, Since then I have also been diagnosed with depression, and no matter what it just never seems as valid as her depression. shes medicated for it and doing fabulously and from someone looking at her you would have no idea. 

My father has just always validated her depression and put me on the backburner. like she went to a facility for a week and he did everything in his powe to pull her out of it. yes, its noble, and i so want that for her but in the process ive been forgotten. 

a material example: my father bought her a brand new bedset.  queen mattress, huge TV, bedframe, side tables, dresser, you name it. while I was sleeping on a futon. I asked why she, who had a large bed, frame, and dresser got this new addition and he responded... well you didnt come with us. I was 17 and at work.I slept on a futon for another 6 months. then “upgraded” to my mother’s hand-me-down twin bed that had a broken box spring. when i finally got a new bed set it was when I was 20, i purchased it myself and got it on craigslist and trust me it wasnt pretty. i had just had enough and wanted an adult bed as i moved out.

an emotional example: The night i got kicked out I got into an argument with my sisters shithead. My sister and I had an agreement to NOT call my father during an argument because he doesnt respond rationally. she called my father, he called me shortly after. He kicked me out of my home and gave me a week to get all my things and leave. I remember begging him to let ME tell him what had happened. He called me a bitch and told me he didnt want to hear it. my own father kicked me out of my home, without as much as letting me explain my side of the situation. 

other examples:

when I was on a low dose antidepressant he called me a “pussy” and told me that I wasnt actually depressed and that i should leave real medications to the people who needed them.... like my sister

when I finally got to a place through therapy where I told him what I was feeling and how I had been feeling he kind of  validated it but still compared it to my sisters depression and told me that I needed to go to the gym more and told me to essentially suck it up and move on. simply because my sisters depression was “real” and mine was a phase

at the end of the day im still depressed. ive been in such a dark place that every other thought in my head is me either me thinking how ill die alone, how my family left me, how the world would be better without me in it, how i burden everyone I interact with, or just flat out thinking about what would happen if I killed myself? 

the thing of it is, ive felt this way for a long time. I lived with my sister and she didnt take the time to notice or reach out. my father just cared about how much of a “bitch” I am. Nobody seemed to notice when my bubbly, social, self suddenly started sleeping every day, missing events and classes, stopped taking my medication, stopped showering regularly. nobody seemed to notice anything besides im “difficult”. and apparently so difficult that he put me on the street with essentially nothing. I feel like I tried to reach out but my depression and my feelings wernt as valid as other peoples so it never seemed to matter enough.

when the two people you love most in the world straight up abandon you and kick you to the curb you can either sink or swim. ive tried to swim. ive tried to get back into a place where I can feel something again. However..... Im doing this blindly and with no support. I just dont think putting me in a place where im alienated from my entire family and everyone i love is what my depression needs. 

with my job hunt failing, my schooling failing, with my family failing, with everything in my life crumbling my depression is like a fire that keeps getting gasoline on it. The thing of it is I think about my friend who recently passed away from a suicide attempt. I think about how sad his father was when speaking about him. how much we all cried at his funeral. how many people showed up. and i know how much it hurts the people you care about. 

I’m just at a point where I dont know what my options are anymore. When i’m public enemy number one in my own family and im abandoned by my local friends i just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like if one more horrible thing happens I’m going to start considering a way out and trust me, I dont want to do that to my friends and family. 

and I know that people say there are always other options..... but I litterally have nothing. and nobody. im so broke I cant afford anything really. Im so alone because my family abandoned me. I cant afford therapy. I cant find a job, my support system consists of two friends because my other friends are excluding me from things. and my whole support system is just gone. ive never in my whole life felt this low or along. never. I honestly feel shittier now than when my mom died. im in a darker place now than when MY OWN MOTHER DIED, because at least then I had people to lean on. friends, activities, school.... my family.... but now.......... nothing...... and i just feel dead inside.

anyway im all caught up in my own head and its not doing me good to be up this late so I’ll just go to bed. or try to. I promise im fine. again this whole thing isnt intended to be anything more than a personal “diary” of sorts. I dont plan on sharing this with anyone. more for my use in trying to release some of these feelings in an attempt to alleviate this overwhelming darkness thats eating my soul. I have to work an early shift tomorrow.....

#depression #cry for help #diary #in my mind #headspace #family #in my feelings #late night blogging