#but at the moment i don't have the time and idk if anyone wants to read it

[rubenhopclap]

out of curiosity what's the moment being a hardcore Ruben stan really clicked for you

Really good question, thank you for asking.

I enjoyed when he was onscreen, even on first watch, but that's not exceptional. Brennan does great voices etc, he's a very funny presence, but all this can apply to Gertie, or a billion other NPCs. His art is so huggable, but that wouldn't be it on its own.

He kept growing on me slowly every time I went back through scenes to fact check and he was there. Even when we actually had the episode where we found out about Jace's involvement in his life and the confrontation with Henry, I got more engaged with his character but I wouldn't say I reached my full tipping point quite yet.

But what happened was, there were a couple posts where people thought it might be a trick, and that Henry was being inappropriate. Jace snapped because he was under stress, but ultimately he wasn't wrong in telling Henry to butt out, kind of thing.

I don't want to shame anyone for having that idea, it's a mystery season and I think it's normal and fine to reach for possibilities that stretch what's likely sometimes. But ya know, I went back through the scene to double-check my memories, and get the quote about Jace saying that he didn't even read all of Henry's concerns. (Which I feel like made Jace pretty clearly Wrong in that scene, even if he had turned out to just be a shitty teacher/administrator and not Ankarna-connected.)

And as I was again going back through his scenes and he kept growing on me, I was making more posts about him and realizing how few other people were posting about him in the tag. I got to thinking about it, like

"well hang on, we have this character with a great design. he's presented a lot like the emo equivalent of Zayn's caricature of gothness in season one. they've already investigated and found out he doesn't have a history of being toxic to anyone even though he's famous now and has the opportunities. and we just got huge evidence that the 'maybe some of the RGs are being manipulated and actually fine' that people wanted for Oisin in particular might actually be true for him."

and my first instinct was to check myself and go like "well remember just bc you're super invested in small NPCs doesn't mean anyone else would be, he's actually very minor and has little screentime-HANG ON A MINUTE. he's had more screentime than any other Rat Grinder! So then why-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And idk something about this kid who had more people going "maybe his uncle is evil for trying to protect him" than "oh damn we just found out he needs to be protected" made me go you know what. if nobody else is gonna take this corner of fandom than somebody gotta

And I rolled up my sleeves.

#fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #fhjy spoilers #ruben hopclap #rat grinders

[the-crooked-library]

something something the symmetry of horror and seeing yourself in the abyss reflected

#this is crack #but only somewhat #i could be more serious abt this i Could write a full essay #but at the moment i don't have the time and idk if anyone wants to read it #dracula daily #dracula #jonathan harker #mina harker #lucy westenra #dracula daily round 2

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[i-luvsang]

need to not have my mom sit next to me while i'm writing fanfic thank you very much

#listen i adore visiting my grandparents #like truly #but this time around i have no private time basically #because they dont have ac so i can't stay in the attic room bc it's TOO HOT #so i'm sleeping on the couch in the living room #and that's fine chill i am not burning to death and i'm grateful for that love it #but now i can't write fanfic without the risk of my mom seeing #not the end of the world if she did but she'd probably be weird abt it #feel like she knows i do but #idk she didn't know i was gay so #anyways!! #it's just hard to be writing ff rn #like thank fUCK i wasn't writing smut i think i wouldve DIED #but like all the requests i want to be getting done are smut #and so even if there aren't people IN the living room #i don't particularly enjoy writing all this nASTY ASS SHIT while my grandma is cooking dinner in the other room yknow ??? #or like. anyone could walk in and sit down next to me or in the armchair at any moment #and i really just prefer to write smut not in the presence of other people esp my family at that !! #anyways lol #not like majorly frustrated or anything #but i want to be doing my milestone requests for my other blog and :') #it's just slower than normal lol #hopefully i can pump out the jongho one tonight or at least start #and then i'm going home tomorrow so i'll be chilling after that #anyways! adventures with maria

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard #but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better #haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more #to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow #my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest #idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself #except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of #again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this #but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head #just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment #i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post #NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space #i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how #okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope #open mick night

[indigodawns]

.

#blabla vent tags incoming #but im just so tired HSNSJS i know part of it is probably genuinely my messed up sleeping schedule and not having anything to do rn #but i keep having okay/good moments vs moments of being completely Done for no reason #like oh i don't want to do this anymore. not in a concerning way dw dw but also??? #just so so sick of living with myself for no good reason rip #anyways this was gonna be a post abt how bls are making me Yearn again which is gross #and i might be going on a date this week with someone? bc i opened tinder etc again HSJSJDB rip #but now im suddenly hit by the. ohhhhhhh i wanna date/kiss a girl. im not going on a date with a girl #dhsjsbsbdndj rip for being bi ig i sure am flighty/flaky in everything 💀💀 #haven't followed any bts updates in weeks now either #and blasting through new hyperfixations at a wild pace which im sure is due to having too much time on my hands but cmon now 💀💀 #idk none of this is getting to the point i just. what's the yoongi quote? wanna throw myself away #and i can't explain it and this keeps hitting in moments and then im fine again but it's like ok ive tried it. can't make sense of it. #what now??? #but also like i just need to flip a switch and then ill be fine!!! just flip it!!! #i will say watching the eclipse had me there actually but what good does that do anyone dhsnsjdj

[salsflore]

#going back to school tmrw and i obviously have Feelings™️ abt that #warning this is a vent? post? idk not really cuz i'm not sad nor do i need comfort and theres nothing for me to really vent about but #well! i suppose you can just call it a way for me to talk about my feelings a little. but the way i am right now? i'm actually fine so if #anyone reads this then don't worry! ya know but. anyways this morning i woke up and overheard something i shouldntve #and for a moment (and what feels like the veryyy first time in my life) i considered if it was worth it to kms LOL a bit overdramatic right #to clarify i WOULD NEVER. i do not want to die but just! very briefly‚ i thought it’d be better if i did #(only for that short short short moment) did i consider if it was truly the best thing to do. like there was a possibility i really would #but i know i would never actually #and now i just wonder what i should do! i guess. like where do i go from here? what am i supposed to do to cope? #how do i get better? very obviously i don’t wanna get stuck in the same sad loop of self pity or anything! #so when therapy isn’t an option‚ and school (an unavoidable) seems to be 85% of the problem‚ what CAN i do if not just tolerate it? #what option is there for me? reach out to my friends? i feel like talking it out doesn’t do anything for me anymore #my calendar is littered with small events and reminders just so i can get by. when does it get better? where do i go from here because it #very much feels like i'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever. i know theres good intentions but i am Very tired of hearing #people say they're there for me and articles telling me to go outside and touch the flowers i! #i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i think i'm going to have to live with this feeling forever actually #but i really do want to get better. i suppose i just don’t know how #⠀mika’s chatroom !⠀

[lovelaceisntdead]

Talked about my break up and being gay for the first time in therapy today. Hmm.

#i have talked about being gay before in therapy but not with this therapist #and the break up was the first time I talked about it properly with anyone other than my friend #feeling really weird about it still. #it's been two months and they won't really speak to me even though they said they wanted to #like I don't want to but I'm starting to feel quite bitter towards them. #i know there were problems on both sides and it needed to end but now it feels a #lot messier than it needed to I think #just needed to get some feelings out #feeling weird today #mum brought it up yesterday as well because my nana had asked and it just made me feel kind of squirmy #like I'm trying to move on but it still feels kind of sticky because i haven't got closure #but I don't just want to cut them off completely either #and I still have some of their stuff. #idk I'm just having a weird time at the moment

[gideonisms]

I guess also just having seen the interaction between an author and an overly invested fanbase go sour multiple times it's like. Yes I want ianthe to raw me but like there are boundaries

#like. (redacted) had to delete her tumblr even muir had to drastically step back #i think with women who write about intense queer people it's like. well ur fanbase is very passionate people who maybe haven't had the best #experiences in their social groups and haven't like. been able to establish boundaries for themselves much less for interacting with others #it's not an indictment of u know being a young queer person who just hasn't had a ton of positive social modeling like #i've been there we've all been there but #to me it's like if i don't know someone or i'm not sure i can communicate clearly i definitely have my guard up #just bc. i'm aware i'm not going to naturally get social cues and don't want to weird other people out #it takes a while to get to know me and i still fuck up sometimes overshare something by accident not realizing it's too much #roll with things i think are weird bc who knows they might be normal i can never be sure #so these days i definitely try to avoid interaction with people who have made something really important to me #bc like? i will never be normal about this but that's also not anyone else's problem #same principle as keeping ur stuff out of the main tag if u think the opinion is controversial or even if u just don't want to annoy anyone #idk #there are better ways to make sure you're acting appropriately for the setting probably but the only reliable way i've found is to just #initially be more reserved than i think is necessary #coping with the (redacted) (undiagnosed) (never going to be diagnosed) (who could say) one weird girl moment at a time ❤️

[altair214]

.

#that awkward moment when you can't tell if your shaking because you're cold or because of anxiety #i swear i freak out over the smallest things now my sister just knocked on the bathroom door when i wasn't expecting it #and now i'm on the verge of a panic attack #i'm sure the fact that i have a test tomorrow that i'm failing for sure because i've been so tired lately that i can't summon the energy to #study #i desperately need a break from school to reset my brain so maybe i can summon the energy to study #i think the two things that will make my anxiety a lot better are finishing the school year and moving out of my parent's house #both of which i just have to wait cause there's no speeding up time #or maybe i just need a hug #but i've lost most of my irl friends and can't seem to be able to ask for help #and i'm afraid to reach out to anyone whether online or irl because they didn't sign up to hear my long list of problems #it doesn't help that my problems are on my mind so much that i don't thin about much else and so have a hard time talking about much else #and so i just don't talk to people as much as i want to #idk it'll get better in a few months #i just have to survive till then #i just needed to vent

[pip-pippin]

help I've fallen into useless lesbianism AGAIN

#peregrin #tumblr tags stop victimizing me on my homosexual vent post challenge #i kinda saw this coming but the turnaround was MUCH quicker than anticipated! #and like logically... i know there are signs. these HAVE to be signs #classic useless lesbian and very much autistic moment but i am incapable of truly acknowledging the possibility that this woman is flirting #because when i do i am embarrassingly overcome with what the poets often refer to as butterflies #but like. if it were anyone else. i would be clowning them for their ignorance #listen one time im at her house and ask when she wants me to leave and she says I Don't #girl when i tell you my heart STOPPED #or like. Another time. We're chatting and she hits me with '' i cherish you and your words '' BITCH! WHAT IN THE EMILY DICKINSON #and just.. the way she LOOKS at me sometimes with this little smile #anyways as you can see I'm having a lot of big feelings that i have no idea what to do with!!!!!! #and like even if i accept the premise that she's flirting idk if this bitch knows wtf she's getting into!!! #and yes that's the low self esterm talking a bit but also consider the following: i am a fucking weirdo and while I'm okay with it... #i have a lot of idiosyncrasies! and insecurities! that might scare her away and that STRESSES MEEEEEEEE #sigh.........

[old-knightsvow]

oh i was so certain id have this wip done before ao3 deletes my placeholder draft (so the 10th) but i just looked at my outline and apparently i have written only 4 out of 15 scenes. jesus christ

#I MEAN.... MAYBE ILL HAVE AN EASIER TIME WRITING THE NEXT ONES BC ITS JUST....TOM AND GREG BUT FIFTEEN?$! #the worst part is that if this monstrosity ends up being around 40k idk what i will do bc im not so sure i even want to post it anywhere... #having a basil moment. i have put too much of myself on this piece and etc #not in the 'im projecting too much' way but rather in the 'i don't think anyone but me will get it' way #txt #azu dont look

[broadswipeslideshow]

damn .

#wow. it's been bad. like really bad? #ive had my shitty moments but i think the past week takes a place in the top 5 #idk what the fuck has been wrong with me but oh my god i am horrible. a complete mess. i cannot even function right now #the amount of times i've dissociated the past couple of days is ??? crazy. never had that happen except 4 when i went through severe trauma #just.... i can't focus. my sight gets all fuzzy and i don't have the mental capacity to return to my body #i am just numb and lifeless and my entire being is dead weight. it's too much effort to move so i just stare into a blurry atmosphere #most of the time. wishing i was dead tbh. #every single day i think 'i'm gonna kill muself.' i say it to myself constantly #like a source of comfort or some fucked up shit #i swear to god i have missing time from the past week. like what was i doing all day? where did i go? #it kind of scares me and the fact that i think i'm hallucinating doesn't make it any better #i keep hearing voices that aren't there and i saw a cockroach in my bathroom.... but it wasn't one #it was just me imagining it plus it was way too fast to be one #but i literally gasped and flinched back and watched it go behind my toilet. yet it wasn't there #what the fuck is happening to me? #i should be happy. i got accepted into college. and yet i'm not. i'm worse than ever before #my dad doesn't even support me on this. i don't have anyone to talk to. and i just really want to fucking die #and idk. i always think to myself how much i hate myself but i never really took it that seriously #but then the other day i realized how much i truly believe and KNOW i am a bad person. i am not good. #like wow i guess i really do hate myself #starting to suspect i have bpd :/ never really thought abt it before #but from what i keep reading and seeing most of my symptoms match up perfectly #favorite person / self harm / mood swings / utter lack of care for myself / anger and resentment toward others all the time #so much shit idk. my therapist says i self harm but i really have no idea if what i do is considered self harm #i mean. i guess it has left scars. but i don't think i do it out of hatred for myself? but maybe i do #considering i've come to the conclusion that i fucking despise every aspect of myself #i don't think it's normal to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think 'why would they ever want to be friends with me?' #there's too many other things to say but. i'm stupid and ugly and i want to die and fuck my life lmao. i hate it here for real.

[viosjaan]

i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here

#i am sorry #truly genuinely #ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your #needs in the way you want #but i think it was #yesterday #this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me #like what am i even doing #how could i have done that #you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive #episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step #of the way. #but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for #liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable #and we were something na. we were everything except the label #i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again #but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time #we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was. #but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata #i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to #not lose you forever #now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you #i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between #which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt #again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost #i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand #love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and #none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it #you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did #but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future

[reserwrekt]

Currently the only way I can socialize and not be overwhelmed is by going stealth on an avatar social media app, taking several moments before joining conversations, then leaving after like five minutes.

#for the past couple years I've been almost completely unable to talk to anyone #for more than five minutes before having a breakdown #so i feel like I'm dipping my toes back in #and i mean i really don't know where my tolerance went #i kind of do but it's a long story #i always feel bad i talk so much and i usually say something i regret or worse wrong and things always go not great #like people misinterpret me all the time or I'll say something nice like children need support and love rn and #my lyft drive will be like idk i kind of hate my children and then i spend the rest of the day breaking down about it #thinking about their children and why this is normal but like this is just one example of happens every time #people really say the worst things esp around me #everything is triggering because of my past #like the moment someone says how am i in already dead inside because i don't want to lie to make others feel comfortable bc lying kills me #it's like a physical weight in my brain that sits there telling me i have to tell the truth and people don't typically like if i admit #hey sorry i lied I'm actually not okay so i started just avoiding the question but that's awkward to and people can get mad

[parappa-the-killer]

vent in tags

#hyperventilating on some stairs rn #i can't do this anymore #i need some help but i'm too scared to ask anyone for help #i don't know what to do #i'm scared #i think that. after so much time spent on pretending i don't need anyone's help ever. there's a high chance i'll get in trouble for #something that wasn't my fault #or maybe it was. because i'm dumb as hell. idk. #i don't think i'm capable of living in a society #i'm kindasorta sewer slidal at the moment. don't worry i won't do anything to myself. i think. #i think i should. go. to my room already. the room in the flat. in the flat that is in the building in which i am crying on the stairs. #and i should either eat something or sleep. i genuinely have no idea which one. but it could help i think #but i'm not really willing to eat now. because i have been nauseous for about three hours now. #and i'm still hyperventilating a bit and i don't really want to die by inhaling a grilled cheese or something. that would be silly #sleep it is. night night. (it is eleven AM here)(so not really night) #vent