#but at least it'll be in good hands

[starfall-calamity]

You so right mr jash I am losing my shit omg

Also also also Jash himself drew the hand on the cover!!!

#bro can draw hands better than me what tf #bro can music & draw he got both skills #asdgshsjs im still so so happy about this upload like oh my god #like i liked the og Push & Compelled by Hindsight & i rlly liked the new covers too #Mayday was still my favorite so far tho & I knew that if Don't Take it Personally were to happen it would be at least tied or close to it #but DUDE this version is so fucking good god #the verse/bridge change toward the end #and then the louder more screamy chorus at the end #ough #i am trying to be so normal at 4am #i cant wait until this is on Spotify im going to go insane #also as for my idea for the last song #i think its going to be a more recent original like Mayday #if anything it'll have refs & motifs to the other PHs & maybe his other stuff #no idea but hyped either way #moss rants #chonny jash

[dairyfreenugget]

I could count the amount of original stories of mine that don't have horror elements on one hand and idk what that says about me

#thylacines can talk #actually i do know it says mmmmm making horror monster ocs is fun #outside of my fandom ocs my ocs and original stories arre dominated by horror elements and religious themes oopsie daisy #i might eventually post about them but the hk brainrot is going strong #but a friend of mine got a commission for me of my doomer human x monster yaoi so you'll see my Main Babygirls soon 🥰 #hand in unlovable hand they're fucked and weird and it's an unhealthy relationship and it'll never work as everything is stacked against #them yet each other is all they have and if being together means their death then so be it. Peter should have probably ran. Should have left #would be better off for the majorth of the story had he never met it yet the two are so alike. it's the first thing that's ever unnderstood #him. it's the first 'person' that's ever truly cared for him. And even if it has flaws and his life was ruined by things beyond his #comprehension and he risks his life he's not willing to let go of the only person whos truly seen him and loved him. Who is willing to tear #its world apart and die for him. There are no happy endings here. They were doomed from the start. But at least they have each other. #also tfw your life and 'family' sucks so much that a literal monster who manipulated you and used your body to carry out ruthless murders is #nicer to you than your goddamn brother and friends. like damn dude. #I honestly think if Slaughter was born a human their relationship would be great for both of them they truly fit together like two puzzle #pieces. two outcasts who have so much in common and find comfort in one another. but because of the circumstances of Slaughter's nature and #what it was forced to be this is not a healthy situation or a relationship. Peter comes out better at the end and would be as good as dead #if not for meeting Slaughter so there's a silver lining in all of this but goddamn dude. the bullshit it took to get there. #The fact that his life was so bad literally getting possessed by a monster and almost being murdered numerous times and an insane amount of #trauma and bbeing a target for monsters for the rest of your life literally IMPROVED IT my guy truly cant catch a fucking break 😭😭

[protoindoeuropean]

So, he has a new series out so I was reminded of my obsession with Ding Yuxi again and in watching some YT video about the new series I was again struck by how fascinating it is to me how different his looks can be. For example, when I watched the first series with him in the main role (The Romance of Tiger and Rose; which yes, I'll readily admit, I agreed to watch in a large part because I saw him on the poster and was like, well, I wouldn't mind seeing more of this 😏), there were two ~versions of him – in the historical and the modern setting:

And like yeah they all wear those wigs in historical dramas so that's not particularly remarkable, right. Little did I know that this was just a tiny tip of the iceberg

Because then when I went to look him up afterwards on YT etc. and the first pictures I saw were these:

about which I was at first like, is that even him? Like the face is just ... not the same in these? But ok, what do I know, anyway ... And then I watched an interview where he has yet another different look, and that seemed kind of in between, so that "bridged the gap" in a way. And then! – in that same interview – they juxtaposed him with another of his earlier looks:

and it's like, who tf is this person ?

It's just, idk, really amazing how much just different hairstyles, lighting, makeup, accessories will do. Obsessed

Other interview looks are nothing extreme

And obviously there's supposed to be more variety when looking at the different roles

But still, sometimes I'm just like, this is one person .....

And like, sure, these looks obviously aren't impossibly different, but comparing the different ends of the spectrum can be pretty wild

In any case, the one that brought all of this about was this latest one:

and idk at this point I shouldn't be surprised anymore. And yet ...

Anyway, I do actually love his acting too lmao

It really is ... delectable 😌

#his gay little mannerisms #(they're not actually gay but i choose to see them that way 😌) #sometimes he'll just move his hands a certain way or tilt his head or pull an expression or do smth with his eyes or ... #and i'll be there all hnnnnnnhg 🫦 #in the new series apparently he's a part-cat detective #looking forward to the physicality of that already 😌 #i really have never before been this fascinated by how different someone can look #like i would say it's just me but honestly i don't think it is #bc most people usually don't change their hair quite that much! for one thing #but ofc with a face like that you can do whatever and it'll look good #anyway sorry for this long post #there are so many more good pics! and i only included one heavily lesbian-coded one smh there are more #so yeah just ... allow me to not be normal abt him for a sec #and this is it i've gotten it out of my system for a while at least #j #dyx #ding yuxi #eta: i did start watching the series and the physicality *is* 😙👌 #i could just watch him forever #like 🕵️

[herd-reject-arts]

Here I go to spend several days by myself in the North Carolina wilderness. Wish me luck. Never gone camping alone (but I have my dogs, and I trust them more than any people I know), so that's intimidating. Hopefully I don't have to fistfight a bear over whatever I'm cooking that night. Not looking forward to no toilet or shower until Monday, but it is what it is. I absolutely have to do this, for my mental health. I'm losing so much money taking the time off work to just have mountain time to myself. But I gotta. My life has been such a chaotic mess for over half a year now - everything that could go wrong, has - and I've never felt so close to just letting myself snap. I can feel it boiling right under the surface at any given time.

But yeah. Should be a time. Might post pictures upon my return (provided a bear doesn't decide I'm on the menu). Wish me luck!

#not vc sorry #camping #going to pisgah in case i never return and y'all gotta help direct the cops #should be back online sometime next week #really hoping there's no phone service so no one can bother me #i WILL hike the mountains. i WILL return to the dirt and moss from which i came. #i think it'll be good for me to just fuck off for a while and hang out with my puppies #it's just been shit after shit for so long #like. starts off with me getting fired over a false police report that no one cared was obviously fake #then the only person I've ever given a shit about says he's had a massive thing for me for years and just ghosts me? #then my mom started getting worse and is constantly blaming me for all her problems and breaking my stuff etc #like. she tells my 15 year old brother he's a failure and won't be shit at least once a day. blames me for his behavior. #then I'm getting constantly fucked over at work. treated like I'm an idiot. paid less than the guys despite doing the same work. #my physical health isn't great but what do i even do about that? #i have no control over anything in my life. it's all going to shit. #but you know what i can control? where my gay ass subaru is driven. and it's driving me to the mother fucking mountains. #and i WILL chill and relax and not stress over shit that's out of my hands!!!!!!! #it's supposed to rain a lot but who cares. just means less likelihood of other people camping near me.

[caterpillarinacave]

well this sucks

#my chrome book is reaching the end of its natural lifespan #Ive gotten it to last like more than a couple years at this point #but chrome books are pretty much awful devices #so I need to go out and get a laptop that's NOT a chrome book #but for one thing I've literally never owned a laptop that's not a chrome book #I saved up and bought my current chrome book for like freshman year of highschool #I waited for a memorial day sale and special pricing so I could get it on like three discounts #so aside from the cost I have *no* idea where to go about buying a new laptop #I need one that's pretty sturdy at least and preferably similar size to a chrome book #I like the way I can charge things by attaching them to my Chromebook I like the way the keyboard is set out and I like that the touch- #screen and keypad aren't that sensitive #so I need to a) find a new laptop b) have the money to buy that laptop and c) learn how to use that laptop #none of which are things that I'll be particularly good at #I just want my 130 dollar old enough to be in elementary school hunk of plastic to work forever is that to much to ask #I've actually gotten it to live much longer than normal lmfao #really hoping it'll stay functional for at least another month or two #I hate getting new tech #I’ve still got an iPhone 8 for heavens sake #You can pry it out of my cold dead hands #I should probably get a new one but like. This one works pretty much. #Nothings cracked it charges fine all the buttons work #Honestly I’d prefer a phone a shade older than this one with a seperate headphone Jack #Basically the whole design of new phones is anti-me #Wide flat smooth super thin light and easily breakable #Plus I don’t have confidence that everything on this phone would transfer over. And this is literally the only phone I’ve ever owned #This thing is a treasure trove

[hlvrai-stuck-together]

((OOC))

Sorry I keep updating at like. midnight. I honestly dont have an excuse besides i go to work and i get home and i'm tired fghsdajk

Gonna take me a little while to get into the swing of this. I've never done an askblog like this before (though I have hosted... technically 3 in the past? (EDIT: no, 4 actually.) But never like this, and none of them went anywhere), so trying to get into the swing of it has been weird.

Glad people seem to be enjoying it, though! I had no idea it'd take off like this, aha. Hopefully I can get a bit more consistent and stop uploading at 2 AM, lol.

That said, I don't know what my schedule's gonna be (if I even start one). So if there's a couple days where I don't upload, it's not because I abandoned the AU or anything, it's probably just because I'm busy IRL.

Feel free to keep sending in asks even if I'm not online! I've already got a lot of really good ones sitting there that I'm gonna hold onto for a bit (for. reasons).

This has been really fun so far, and I hope everyone's having fun, too! Just bear with me while I figure this out. I'm hoping to get out a ref of [ERROR] soon, and also stop calling him that soon, but getting into character is proving to be a challenge when you do it on and off like this. But that's never stopped me before and it won't now. Like I said, this has been fun so far!

That said, if anyone has any suggestions on a meta level, I'm all ears. I realize now that I've run into this basically blind, so even though I did a couple week's worth of preparation in advance for this blog, I'm also still floundering a bit. Learning more every day, though! And I'm hoping I can pick up the pace soon as well. After Day 1's rapidfire replies, going at a more leisurely pace feels really slow, and I both wanna fix that but also don't know how because, like I said, I keep uploading at midnight gfdshjk

TL;DR I'm working on it dw lol

-Mod Dimonds

#dimond speaks #ooc #i have many plans for this au and i've realized that figuring out how to connect the dots to get us there is the hard part #i'm used to writing fanfic where i as a writer would be able to brainstorm a way to connect those pieces #but since i've decided to host this as an askblog instead a part of that control has been taken away from me #it's like im DMing D&D instead of what i'm used to #which i don't mind- like i said i'm having fun- it's just a huge change from the norm on my end #and i don't wanna make the story twist unnaturally in a different direction because i want one thing and the askers want another #but on the other hand to there is a story here i want to tell #so finding the balance is gonna be hard #but i think it'll also be really fun #at best i'll write a story i'm proud of and people can be along for the ride and we'll all have a good time #and at worst? Day 1 was fucking awesome and one of my favorite memories of being in this fandom #so even if this thing crashes and burns i'll always have that to hold on to #so basically just thank you for reading. both my lil blurb here and the au in general #like seriously i cannot thank you enough for wanting to see where this goes #and something i'm super proud of so far is that everyone's brought their thinking caps too! #i have at least 6 asks sitting in here that i'm saving for later #which is literally half the inbox! #i do wanna state here (in the tags shhh) that i have some massive plans for this au #so the fact that everyone's thinking critically about it has made me really giddy #so proud of this classroom everyone gets A+s for the day /lh #OH ALSO Day 1 here just means the first day the AU was live. this au will be counted in in-story days so i wanna state that now #uhh i dont know how to end this. just... thank you so much for reading. #ily guys i can't wait to keep going and more frequently once i find my footing

[famewolf]

I need someone to beat me up so I start this D&D character backstory.

Usually I can get a good first draft going but my brain is still destroyed from burnout so it's ... harder than usual. I've got some good ideas that I have as bullet points but nothing that's cohesive for a story fkjhgd

#[static] #and i feel bad because i want to just have it done for my friend! im excited to play D&D with him and his partner and percy! #i also recognize i dont need to get it all done before the first session i just need a good base for the DM #but usually ive got like 6+ pages at least to hand over kjfghfd #i know it'll all come together and i dont need to have every single bit about this character Known. that comes with playing #but that's not how ive done ANY of my other characters ... i am Struggling

[kjzx]

Do people like make analysis on how to approach working on art pages cause I've been meaning to make one for a loong time but I've been really critical of the stuff I make and what pieces I'm ready to show people.

I realize it's stupid to approach art pages like professional portfolios when I haven't made a single penny from my art once in my lifetime but I also like opening a page and seeing good stuff. But idk if this approach is gonna only make me anxious. Last time I tried having an art page was in like 2017 though, a lot has changed

#Also I make art with vagigas etc in them and every art platform people actually use wants me dead for yhat #Thinking aloud #I'd be happy to hear your thoughts if you have any on the topic though #Art #//rambles #Also for context by good art I mean art I like #There are 5 minute sketches I love and things I spent a few hours working on that I just hate #I like to think that's good because no matter the time spent I have the feel if a person with a certain taste will like it #But on the other hand again I'm a person doing free art on tumblr dot com and sometimes I just #want to draw a silly jester girl doing something silly but my brainworms say fuck you #And putting these ideas aside because the 5 sketches I made for this one thing all looked awkward. And there are like 7 more ideas #This is why if I ever make a art tumblr it'll be full of random non repeating OC girls at least I don't feel the pressure when I'm drawing #something that doesn't have a set in stone canon #Help mypost fell into tags again 🙏 I hate when that happens

[slippery-minghus]

dunno if i'm gonna rally the spoons and nerve to apply to some new jobs (i suppose we'll see how this week's vibe goes) but i updated my resume and i'm feeling pretty good about it 💪

#been reading lots of AskAManager and she has some interesting tips on resume writing #to not so much list your job description (though to do it a little for those keywords) but to list your achievments instead #and i've built up a good handful of those actually #in the very least it'll be that much more ready to go when the time comes #and i'm still *fingers crossed* hopeful about that internal role someday #we're in a hiring freeze (except for most dire need) and there were just more layoffs higher up so idk if the creation of this position #is actually a viable thing to hope for but.... i'd be SO DAMN GOOD AT IT #there's a job i'm looking at on indeed that looks pretty interesting and isn't much further from where i already work #it doesn't seem like it'd have much opportunity to grow - and would be a lot like what i do now - but it's not exactly like i have much room #to grow where i'm at anyway. short of that one role they have me (and who knows who else) in mind for that may or may not ever open up #and... i don't want to leave. per se. but if the coworker i can't stand doesn't leave soon i may have to leave first #personal

[orcelito]

I always find it kind of funny what some other ppl consider "slow burn". Like I've been reading a fic that the writer repeatedly said was slow burn, but some 40k words in and they've had their first kiss...

I'm not complaining, but that just doesn't feel like that slow of a burn to me lmao. But Then Again, this is coming from the person who writes some of the slowest of burns... not the slowest, mind you, but like. In discacc, I'm pretty sure their first kiss happened around... what, 400k words in? Something like that. And they hadn't even officially Met (in person) until like some 70k words in.

And Then there's ITNL. Currently 74k words, and Wolfwood hasn't even officially entered the story yet.

We're in for the long haul, y'all :]

#speculation nation #itnl shit #discacc shit #sure i'll tag it. this post has me remembering writing it :') #but yea like. hm. i dont think it'll take as long in ITNL as it did in discacc for the relationship shit to happen #if i had to estimate... maybe around 200k? for the first kiss at least. based on my plans for it & all. #keeping in mind that ITNL as a whole could be 400k words. or more... #im notoriously bad at properly estimating word counts though #as seen by my 'im 150k words into discacc and halfway through the game so Surely the fic will be 300k words' #and im sitting pretty at 500k and still a good third of the game left. whoops. #i say it's not the 'slowest of burns' bc one of my fav fics ever is at... what... 600k? 700k? i havent looked in a while actually #so i dont remember. but after all of these words the protagonist still doesnt even realize he's got FEELINGS. #they held hands Once. easily made up for with everything else in the story. utterly fascinating mysteries. so on so forth #for the intersection of fandoms of ppl who know p5 and my shit. itnl rly is inspired by Marigolds. #the short and sweet summary that really tells you very little (so u have to tell via tags what it is)!!! #the time travel and years passed before even MEETING the other person again #im not going as in depth into it but the inspiration is there. im still just utterly enamored with Marigolds years later #and this is a trope so common in p5 fandom (the NG+ style of time travel) yet i hadnt seen it at all in t.rigun #so. yeah. maybe i moved to a new fandom and am taking inspiration from one of my fav fanfics ever #but to be fair discacc has been largely inspired by Marigolds too. just more with characterization than story structure. #anyways. dont worry ITNL readers there will be vw from like the moment they first meet. flirting inevitable. #but the actual resolution will take a while. Emotional resolution even longer than Physical resolution lol #if u read this far into the tags then xoxoxo love U. hope u enjoyed the hints of the planned structure for ITNL

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)

anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says

anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with

anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)

where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered

Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)

and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people

all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything

anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea

and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers

tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me

(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results

#uhh nominal tagging. i probably have nonzero soma posts...? maybe? lol #soma #amnesia #atdd #soma spoilers yeah but a) game's more than half a decade old at this point b) material that hinges on Surprising you the first time as like #thee sole worthwhile feature of its experience: probably not that good; i don't think soma's even dying to keep you from guessing any #''twists'' and if you Do it doesn't feel like you're like cheated of anything lol. though i'm sure the surprises are fun. the ending is sur #like yeah oh a fucked up surprise for the player too; but that's b/c the game of course Until Now followed the ''advancing'' simon copy #c) same as (b) but like spoilers don't really ruin things anyways imo. who is reading this in whole like ''damn i was Just gonna play this' #whereas idk now you know of it. also lbr who is reading this in whole period? probably some people lol. you do not have to ofc as a fact an #as a stance. i'm like; would i read someone's longass post abt something i don't already know abt / am not interested in? not often #d) if you Are like ''nooooo SOMA spoilers arrrgh i was Just abt to play it'' like damn my bad. i'm sorry. play it anyways it'll be fun #or e) watch a playthrough. i myself cannot Firsthand Game too much & this has generally been the case #long post //// #all this uncrucial and noncomprehensive but just taking 90k words & meandering tangents to say [hand over heart] catherine.... #as is my mode of verbalizing anything really #i'll recommend the game easily enough; sure watched a full playthrough twice & may revisit for a thrice. or at least various clips lol #even got a safe mode (where you Can't Die so you can get through every part b/c thee story is the point anyways)

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

i really think im on the upward trend mentally. much reduced suicidal thougths and i went for four days without any a few days ago. this is wonderful.

however i am beginning to stress about uni. it's reminding me of how difficult stress is and how fragile i am actually. but yeah. progress. :)

#im... Not doing well with a couple of work related things and that may drop me in hot water. same with chasing up uni stuff #if i think about handling continuity of care stuff for uni (midwifery) i get short of breath bc stress #but i have to do it so. im sure it'll be fine #and honestly? if i have to go talk to lecturers and say hey im genuinely feeling a lot of anxiety around this and need a bit of a hand #they'll help me. i know they will. they want everyone who is capable of passing to pass #personal #puddleglum hours #honestly even writing this tags out im already stressy again but yea. #i should probably find a job for while im in uni but i might just go talk to my old employers and say hey can i just grab that job again #low stress and all #am realising just how debilitating my stress levels are at times . hm . to be considered .... #because this is nothing like the stress ill have at uni but i can already feel teh stress-avoidant patterns setting in again #yknow te patterns that made me nearly fail a unit last semester? those ones #altho now i have ransom and also a better understanding of those patterns #im not sure if ill find new psych tho by then. haven't done anything about it #and that just adds stress #but anyway yeah at least my commute to uni will only be half an hour to forty five minutes . at old place it was an hour plus #so good

[todayisafridaynight]

'im gonna sleep' he lied

#snap chats #i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art #its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense #i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute #gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled #tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead #twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate #for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know #anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning #'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore' #'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight #and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK #ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me. #and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly #i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to #more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything #i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ??? #i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.' #im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental #twitter really is decaying my brain.... #let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa #but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him #i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up #heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill #Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to #just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY #expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it #i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute #ok im pissing off fr now bye.

[scalproie]

I truly couldnt care less about the warner bros smash-clone game but scorpion and sub zero having been leaked/datamined is so funny to me. The boys hang out in the pg-13 universe

#honeymoon. #but fr i know theyve been in non-gorey games like. idk the injustice games or mk8 kinda. or that basketball game as extras #but its not the same as scorpion throwing hands with... idk steven universe or smth #at least he can have his revenge (eheh) on shaggy #anyway scorpy is good ol scorpy but idk which subz it'll be. safe to assume its gonna be Kuai #The Blum(tm) is the easiest VA to get anyway #tagging later

[lexicals]

Started a short BSL course today and realised not even halfway through the session that this is going to make the fact that I speak with my hands about 400% more pronounced than it already is lmao

#wastepaper basket #I guess at least it'll be coherent hand waving fjsggsdj #It's good though and well taught I learnt a surprising amount in just a few hours

[bitbrumal]

regaling you all with another excerpt from dms, this time with @deificdeceit‘s zhongli & my tsaritsa:

bitbrumal:  khioniya's expressionless, sprawled like a warrior queen with one big hand out upon which her prim & proper partner in crime sits. sometimes her stony face splits into this big, fanged UNHINGED grin but it's only bc zhongli said smth out of fucking pocket

#deificdeceit #tell me it wouldn't be terrifying if zhongli & the tsaritsa were bffs WHICH they are. btw. just saying. #the facts are in canon kukuku #THIS BITCH HANDED OVER HIS GNOSIS WHILE SAYING THERE WAS NO TRADE DOING SO FOR SO IT WAS A FUCKING aight bruv sure #thtey're besties ur honour #bitch trusts this other bitch wich too much power are you SAYING he would give her more power if he thought it'd do smth eh DOESN'T think #worth the cost it'll bring to his ppl??? #zhongli said she has a good plan vs celestia u heard it here first folks #AT LEAST IMO THAT'S WHAT THAT HEAVILY IMPLIES #me: ahaha. anyway-