#but anyway jarchie longcon lives

[mean-vampyre]

Riverdale’s gay gene

Okay so, the riverdale gay gene theory goes something like this: just like the serial killer gene, sexuality is inherited in the riverdale universe, mainly from parents to children, but in some cases (like cheryl and toni) from the most prominent ancestor featured in the show so far (season 6). How does it work? idk, it’s riverdale but my theory is that 1bi/gay parent = 1bi child, and 2bi parents = 1gay or 1bi children.

The Cooper-Smith family: in season 6 Betty is confirmed bisexual and that implies that one of her prominent ancestors is gay, which could point to Bitsy Smith from 06x05. HOWEVER the storyline of Abigail-Poppy-Cheryl being immortal is not within the continuity of season 6, and Bitsy and Betty are not related (also confirmed by Madelaine Petsch). Therefore Betty gets her bisexuality from either her father or her mother, but most likely her mother Alice since she is also the one who gave the serial killer gene to her and Charles, who has the gay gene too. 

The Smith-Jones family: Charles gets either his gay gene from Alice or FP, but (see above) most likely is from Alice or both of them if we go by the theory that 2bi parents are needed to produce 1gay child.

The Jones family: by the 2bi=1gay formula theory, FP is bi (unconfirmed), which makes Jughead bi. Nevertheless, he would remain bi even if we don’t go with the gay formula and FP is not bi, since Gladys aka jugmom is most likely bi because if riverdale writers love something it is metatextuality and references to other media, and what is gina gershon (jugmom) known for? Bound (1996), where she plays a lesbian icon. By metatextuality rules Jugmom is, then, bisexual (also have you seen her? leather jacket and string choker? she is definitely fucking women).

The Andrews family: Mary is a bisexual icon that got straight and gay divorced, that makes Archie bisexual (+all the times he has kissed men??? and all that stuff that he has said that is straight out of the 2003 atlanta-based play archie's weird fantasy?? my boy is bisexual).

The Topaz-Fogarty family: now this confirmed the gay gene theory, since both Toni and Fangs are bisexuals who have a child, baby Anthony, who is confirmed queer (undisclosed whether he is gay or bisexual). And going back in time, Tony’s only on-screen relevant relative is Thomasina, who is also confirmed bisexual (or perhaps lesbian, it is never stated), creating a direct line of the gay gene inheritance from Thomasina to Baby Anthony.

The Blossom family: it’s not confirmed that queen of serving cunt and evil Penelope is queer, although it was implied, BUT it could also be Abigail, Cheryl’s most direct ancestor (aside from Nana Blossom), the one who gave her the witch gene and the lesbian gene.

The Keller family: is Tom bi? perhaps anything is possible in Riverdale, but most likely the evidence points to either his unnamed mom who never even lives with them (like Mary did with Archie’s dad, before she got a divorce to marry a woman). But it’s also possible that gay kevin is just spontaneously gay, which would explain the fact that his whole personality is being gay.

The Mason family: Marcus (Moose’s dad) is most likely gay, but got therapy conversion at the sister’s of quiet mercy, but he could be bisexual and only they only scared away the gay part, and passed on the gene to Moose, who is bisexual.

In conclusion, only in riverdale you get the serial killer gene and the gay gene.

#riverdale #archie andrews #betty cooper #jughead jones #cheryl blossom #submitting this here to be peer reviewed by my fellow riverdale scholars #since most of the info is stuff that i remember and not really revised by rewatching #but anyway jarchie longcon lives #roberto you crazy genius hmu if you want to talk about this

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

like i’m just saying in the final version of seventeen they all sang lines relevant to either their characters (jughead “brand new sheriff’s come to town” after his dad just became sheriff. toni “still i miss you i’d be honored if you’d let me be your friend” after she just got back together with cheryl that episode) and archie’s is “high school may not ever end” and EYE am saying that it is. about the cycles and the narrative and high school MAY NOT ever end for archie he’s trapped in riverdale trapped in high school trapped in skin too scarred for his young age and too thick for his idealized innocent persona. and now he’s back in high school. in the 1950s. as though he’s incapable of real growth and has to be reset over and over again (LIKE A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER) and he cannot escape riverdale high and that blue and gold varsity jacket. (which he DOES in the song. they all shed their jackets ie outer layers ie metamorphosis ie SHEDDING. what sheds? SNAKES. what’s another word for a snake? SERPENT. what’s the name of jughead’s gang? exactly. anyway in the song they all shed those layers and are capable of breaking free from the shackles of the heathers narrative on the stage but in their real lives they can’t do that, illustrated by jughead with the fact that as he takes off his flannel for the metaphor of the song, he puts his beanie back on, effectively performing an escape from the narrative while digging himself deeper inside it) and the POINT of all that goes back to the comet the fact that they are all now literally trapped within a narrative that is not their own, they’re no longer on a stage and the metaphorical escape isn’t enough to save them, they have to actually escape in order to regain the lives they lost in the reset, they have to actually metamorphasize or high school REALLY won’t EVER end. how do they do this? jughead. the only character even aware of the reset and the past (that’s actually the future) and the only one capable of kickstarting the journey back to real life. how do they kickstart this? break the narrative, shed the skin, take off the letterman jacket and get out of high school and get out of the narrative, the narrative that wants archie to be a wholesome football playing american boy with two girls waiting for him to choose between them and a picket fence for the one he picks. how does he break that narrative? jughead. jarchie longcon real xoxo

#i’m not fucking proofreading that if i said something weird mind your business it’s 4:30 in the morning #beth.txt #what if i tagged this. #jarchie

[bireggiemantle]

idk if you meant send it as an ask, but I think jughead should come out in that he figures out why all of his stories always centre around archie, why he's so important to him even after all the stuff that's gone down between them, the red circle and being-hiram's-capo and the cheating and the abandoning (circa s1) idk maybe if he survives the encounter with vale!jughead they should compare notes and realise that it's him, it's him, it's always been him. i think maybe he realises that tabitha and archie are the same person, and that's why he fell so completely for tabith when a female version of archie was presented to him...also in this version of riverdale I choose to believe archie actually cares about jughead and did in fact worry when they had to fake his death (s4) and when he lost his hearing. but anyway i think jughead should confess his love and then immediately be put in a life threatening situation and the almost-loss makes archie realise he IS in love with jughead and they kind of hold each other like that one scene under the light of the bunker hatch.

if jughead and tabitha do break up (which I Hope They Do Not) but if they did for the sake of getting archie and jughead together, I think tabitha and veronica should get together. i mean hello if anyone from the core four was bisexual it shouldve been veronica can you imagine how excellent she would be dating a girl, and tabitha deserves someone who can match her tenacity and ingenuity like they would fit so well together imo...and idk what betty is up to in this scenario idc but I assume she goes back to the FBI headquarters to sleep with agent drake whatever idgaf about betty she's boring (the darkness shtick is getting old) but basically I believe that they should have a reference to the east village scene and then flash forward to like 4 years later and these two are actually IN New York (so are tabs and ronnie) and they're living happily ever after the end. sorry this is so ridiculously long xx

bestie never apologize for a long jughead coming out conspiracy. anyway I'm obviously a jabarchie truther but I can also totally get behind tabitha and veronica getting together they 100% were flirting with each other in the pop's franchising episode. anyway I love this anon. jarchie longcon but it's jughead being driven to bisexual insanity by gazing into his vale self's eyes for the brief moment before he lost consciousness. real <3

#asks

[tibby]

On the best ending for riverdale?

i don’t care how pessimistic it makes me i DO think that riverdale should and will end with everyone following in their footsteps of their parents, but we’ll jarchie longcon and beronica thoroughbreds endgame scheme to get there:

betty is going to eventually realise that veronica never quite fully forgave her for every terrible thing she’s ever done and that veronica’s forgiveness is the only one that she’s ever getting to want. meanwhile, veronica is still stifled by being a lodge and still can’t figuratively kill her father but she knows that if hiram sticks around then riverdale will never thrive. and so she knows she has to kill him in a literal sense, but betty is the one who assists and takes the fall, because it’s the only way she can ever make things up to veronica, and in a way, it’s following the cooper trend of getting rid of the sinners. but killing hiram just pushes veronica to become him anyway, and she realises it’ll be her who burns riverdale to the ground, and that was always going to be the way things went, because she’s always going to be a lodge and she can never have a true home, and the closest one she ever had was with betty, who is long gone, locked away or on the run but never not pining for veronica, and everything she never said, the unspoken i did it because i think i loved you. because i think i still do.

jughead and archie FINALLY go on their long abandoned road trip to new york, and they realise that they kept going after the girl next door because they were trying to find each other. and it’s great, it’s the best time of their lives, and maybe they’ll finally achieve archie’s long forgotten dream of living there together. but you can’t outrun fate, and jughead knows more than archie where this story ends: a bottle in his hands while archie watches from behind his picket fence.

cheryl is going to unintentionally going to bring the blossom curse upon herself by shutting herself away and never taking accountability, because the curse was never real, but it’s her belief in it that dooms her, just like it did penelope before her. when you push everyone away because you’re scared they’ll leave you, you can’t be surprised when you end up alone and insane.

toni tries to save the town that raised her, tries to fall into a healthy relationship, and tries to be the best mother she can be. even when she has the other two, the first one seems like a neverending battle, but toni has never been one to give up on community.

reggie takes over his dad’s car dealership, and even though he wants to try to be better than his father, he’s never given that chance. toni makes sure of that.

gay kevin gets divorced.

#ask #Anonymous

[bireggiemantle]

please god tell me about the twilight au

okay I have two versions of the twilight au but one of them has a bitchy oc so I'm gonna talk about the one without the oc.

so. jughead is bella. he lived in riverdale when he was really young but following fp and gladys's big nondivorce split, he and jellybean went with gladys to toledo. however, at age 16, he decides to come back and spend some time living with fp in riverdale.

the cullens are less of a "family" in this than they are in the movie, but essentially hiram and hermione are carlisle and esme respectively, toni is alice, jasper doesn't exist because he means nothing to me, veronica is rosalie and reggie is emmett. betty is edward.

archie is jacob, although it's worth mentioning I'm a jarchie longcon truther and a member of team jacob, so archie and jughead are endgame here.

I'll summarize the section of the au that follows the first movie, since it's the most well known movie and I also don't want this post to be six pages long.

like I said before, jughead is new to town and quickly befriends fangs, toni, and sweet pea. just like bella did, jughead has a strange encounter with betty in biology class, when she has to run out because of an overwhelming desire to kill and eat him <3

this causes him to be intrigued with betty and the group she hangs out with (veronica and reggie), although toni warns him to stay away from them.

switching over to archie, he and jughead were childhood best friends, and they quickly pick up where they left off when jughead returns to town, although things between them are a little strained. since I'm not stephanie mormon and I don't want to include an insensitive plot about racism, archie goes to same school as the rest of them, although he lives on the other end of town.

okay. back to betty. jughead is weirdly fascinated by her ever since she ran out of class, and one day when he runs into her in the hallway between periods, he decides to confront her about it.

she freaks out and tells him to back off, but her eyes flash yellow and her teeth look suspiciously pointy while she's threatening him, so jughead, freak that he is, only becomes more intrigued.

he starts trying to find out everything he can about betty, veronica, and reggie, since he's convinced there's something strange going on with them. he starts watching them after school in the parking lot, but he never seems to find them walking outside in broad daylight.

at one point, while distracted from his search for them, jughead is almost hit by a car, but a very fast and very strong figure manages to save him before he can get hurt. it's archie.

at first jughead assumes archie and betty are keeping the same secret, and that they must be the same kind of inhuman creature, but obviously that theory isn't true.

anyway, jughead ends up getting closer to both of them due to this crazed search, and at one point veronica invites him, betty, and reggie over to her house to play a game of baseball because you know I HAD to include that scene here.

unlike bella, I don't think jughead knows that they're vampires at this point. he just assumes they're a bunch of weirdos who like playing baseball in the rain. all that changes when a group of rogue vampires (unsure of who these are yet but wouldn't it be hilarious if it was bret and donna) show up and threaten to kill jughead.

this places a bounty on his head, and betty, veronica, and reggie rush to hide him in the underground fuck bunker.

hes lured away by the rogue vampires before they're able to hide him away, and he's left bitten and alone, waiting for his painful demise. he's able to contact both betty and archie though, who show up at the same to save him.

they end up fighting about what to do before the severity of the situation takes over, and betty manages to save jughead using whatever stupid ass logic allowed edward to suck the vampire venom out of bella's blood.

archie takes him to the hospital afterwards and spends the day there watching him, both because he wants to and because betty can't.

archie and jughead end up getting together and they go to the dance blah blah blah the ending of twilight happens they're in love you know the drill.

#there is slightly more to this but this is already so long so ill answer one of the other asks w the b plot LMAOOOO #twilightdale #asks

[tibby]

Idk if you've answered this before but here goes: Bughead, Barchie, Varchie, Beronica and Jarchie - rank them in order of how much you ship them. (Not including Vughead because its weird and theres no point of including them, they're like the Robin/Jonathan equivalent of Riverdale)

jarchie: childhood best friends to lovers filled with angst due to class clashing and repression and a broken promise that they’d go to new york together like...if this was any other show jarchie would be HUGE on the internet but instead it is just us here in our little circle that get to experience the greatest love story of all time

beronica: what else is there to say besides Because I think I loved you. Because I think I still do. And because I knew how happy you could be -- so much happier than I ever could -- but how tied down you were by your own fear or guilt. And that I don’t think you ever really wanted my friendship, so I gave the best thing I could. The thing you really wanted to take anyway, I think.

bughead: it’s just gay man/lesbian solidarity but i’ve been exposed to so many jancy scenes and given that they’re just bughead who despise each other i now think bughead is kind of cute...the scene where he gives her his beanie in 3x01 lives in my mind rent free

barchie: it’s less that i ship them and more that barcheating is essential to the jarchie longcon and beronica thoroughbreds endgame scheme

varchie: like. what’s there? they’re both so much more interesting with other people.

#ask #Anonymous

[tibby]

1. i don’t know much about one direction but i know enough to know that while harry styles is probably a rich girl, louis tomlinson is a talentless homophobe does not have the range for rich girl OR weird friend. glad this is starting discussion with families though.

2. i think it would depend on WHICH version of scooby doo because a lot of them are too happy to bring the tension that rg/wf requires, but i think it’s the case for the 2000s live action films and also mystery incorporated

3. like the book everyone had to read in high school english? can’t remember any of it but if you say so

4. i hesitate to identify jarchie as such, partially because i do believe in the longcon and think they’ll end up together, and also because i don’t think archie is selfish enough to be a rich girl and jughead doesn’t really have any kind of spiteful or manipulative edge, at least when it comes to archie. MAYBE in season two when they were fighting all the time, but otherwise i don’t think so.

5. abed is definitely a weird friend and troy is a rich girl at the start of the show, but their dynamic has always been sweet and loving for the most part. even when they’re on the outs in the pillows vs blankets war, it’s not the kind of tension associated with rg/wf, and troy’s not really a rich girl by this point in the show anyway.