#but also it makes me so anxious feeling like I need to constantly compete?? to stay relevant in the fandom | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

petitmimosa · 7 months

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Sending you some virtual hugs. I feel you.

I read your post about Yuzu and his fans and I have that feeling for a long time. I really love Yuzu's skating but the constant downputting of other skaters is annoying as hell. Also constantly bringing up old stuff when Yuzu competed and hold it against skaters in current judging is completely nonsense. Now is now. I hate the victim card ppl play for Yuzu all the time even when he's not affected by any kind of scoring nonsense anymore.

I actually haven't seen the current debates, but I have seen enough and been attacked enough over the years to have an idea. I stopped following a lot of accounts a few years ago - before Beijing even - which lead me to missing information about Yuzu but it made me more at peace myself. I just follow those Fanyus who don't engage in hatred towards other skaters.

I know Yuzu is not at fault for his fans behavior and I feel very sad that their behavior tainted my love for Yuzu. 😭

Answer this as you like as private answer or not or also not answer it at all. I don't mind just here to tell you that you should do whatever feels best for you.

Hiii!

Thank you very much for taking the time to message me.

It's pretty much always the same, how dare they mention quad revolution without saying Yuzu was the one who launched it? (when even Yuzu himself in 2015 said he was inspired by Boyang bringing the 4lz to be stronger...). How dare they give a skater 9 in PCS when Yuzu had more artistry? .....What does that even mean?

It's the constant need to bring a skater down and compare them to Yuzu that I can't take anymore. It's even doing Yuzu a disservice because Fanyus don't have the greatest reputation out there and they're just digging and digging their already very deep grave.

I actually enjoyed Angers, scores aside because that'll never improve, and you can't even be happy for skaters without being reminded that YUZU DID IT WAY BETTER. What's the point? They believe ISU will erase his legacy by dictating what commentators say when they're actually the ones tarnishing it by bringing so much anger and pettiness into the mix.

They even went after Mark Henretty who's the most dedicated one we've had EVER because they weren't happy with a small thing he said last season.

So yeah, I'm at a point where I'd rather not know what Yuzu is doing (even here on Tumblr because it'll remind me that fstwi exists) than have to deal with their bitterness. The man is HAPPY, this need to avenge him is mute. They're on a crusade against the void and I wonder sometimes whether they'll it go at some point or will just continue because not getting what they want out of it will simply make their anger stronger.

"I feel very sad that their behavior tainted my love for Yuzu. 😭" this hit very hard because I'm fighting it like crazy, have been for the past year actually. When before it was anxious anticipation and nerves but joy, now I'm just dragging my feet.

And I think just maybe, having solid Yuzu material once a year doesn't help either, whether it's the fans trying to sty positive in this sea of negativity, or even them because they don't hve much to turn to. Don't get me wrong, GIFT and RE_PRAY are incredible and time consuming but once you've watched it 30 times then what? You go back to Chopin and Seimei and H&L... and you compare the skaters still active to these performances. The wheel never stops turning.

I'm rambling, sorryyy.

#petitmimosask

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bisluthq · 5 days

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I feel like we attribute medical diagnosis so easy now. And the way I have seen people talk about depression...as if people get better when they make an ""effort"" and that you should get up and get better so you don't hurt your partner. It's all just very...insensitive. You also don't diagnose depression just like that. Joe never hinted at having depression, just anxiety. And I think it's a bit dangerous inferring that just from Taylor's music when she equals being sad to depressed pretty often. We saw Joe going into his work and doing his thing. If he was depressed, it doesn't seem to have been in a non functional way, paralyzing way. It's not like he was in a cave isolating himself.

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, because I have struggled with general anxiety for years. I avoid places with crowds, I don't like public speaking, I immediately create the worse scenarios because I don't like feeling out of control of what might happen, I'm also constantly feeling panicked over things that I create in my head. It's a bit like living on edge. You never know when your mind is going to disrupt your peace.

I also have had periods where one would call depression episodes. But I never diagnosted myself with depression, because I feel like that's an actual very serious thing that lasts a long time and only a competent professional would be able to tell me if I am just a bit more moody and more sad than usual or it's actual a whole thing. Because it's normal to feel sad and maybe if you're more anxiety prone that sadness can still take you to dark places. Over the last few years, I started to have less of those episodes by my own accord and also not lasting as long so I'm inclined to believe I just am a bit more prone to mood swings.

My point is idk if we could or should label Joe as being depressive. We don't know how functional he was/is as a human being (we do know he was still filling his job obligations and wanting to work) and if he really was just deeply not well for months and months or he just had periods of time where he needed to be more alone and more introspective. Maybe he would get like that when he felt triggered by a certain event happening, maybe his sadness had specific causes. People are allowed to be sad about something happening to them and doesn't go away in a day or two. Or maybe you're just unhappy with aspects of your life and can't quite figure out how to deal with it. Being depressed isn't just being sad. It also involves a whole lot of real life consequences and disturbances.

this is what I’m saying. I’m sorry you struggle with GAD. I get anxious sometimes but I know I don’t have GAD and like my anxiety is a side effect of my tendency to get depressed (opposite to your thing) and I’ve recently been diagnosed with PDA so that too. Like I know I feel really bad that I’m letting friends and loved ones down but sometimes I’m just not able to function. On those occasions, all I want to do is lie in bed and fuck around on my phone and I’ll surface for like work obligations mostly but that’s about it. The rest of the time, when I’m in an episode, I’ll lie in bed or on the couch and I will drink because as my therapist says that’s my exit and then I have a reason to not do things because I’m yk drunk. And I’ll feel dreadful about the whole thing which can manifest as anxiety but the real problem is my mood and it’s a… serious problem. It’s not an “oh I’m so sad” thing like it’s a “if I’m not gonna get paid for it then I might as well not bother with today” thing. I don’t know that Joe has that problem lol - I tend to think he’s just stressy depressy, same as Taylor. And I think people throwing it around is mildly irresponsible.

I will also say again lots of people throw these things around like I said my bf said to me tonight like he thinks he’s maybe bipolar and I was like “lol why do you think that???” and he was like “idk I feel really good about life mostly and then you’ll do something to piss me off and I get in a mood” and I was like “okay so that’s called being a person?? Come the fuck on??” Again, I lived (as in my stepdad not a partner) with a bipolar person and that’s not how it was? It literally was highest highs ever followed by like him locking himself in their room and my mum having to sleep on the couch. It was dreadful. And like I don’t get the high highs but I do get the wanting to lock myself in my room things and it absolutely sucks but when I’m in that space like I legit just can’t deal with anything?? And I think people who don’t struggle with it just don’t understand.

it’s also like I’m in recovery for an ED as I’ve shared before and I’m actually quite good at that - the recovery part I mean - but when I say I can not eat for seven days+ I legit mean that. I don’t mean like orthorexic I only ate healthy foods like I mean like I can literally eat NOTHING and subsist of only Diet Coke and black coffee and white wine if I’m offered the latter. And cigarettes. Which is funny because when I was full blown ED I didn’t smoke but I’d eat like one sandwich or salad a week and exercise a ton and only consume Diet Coke and black coffee and at that point not even wine because it’s got too many calories but like vodka and diet soda water because that fucks me up so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway.

moral of the story is I’ve got serious fucking problems lol and I am sorry you have GAD and it sucks Taylor and Joe are stressy depressy but that’s not a real diagnosis like that’s just being a person.

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squadrah · 2 years

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How do you think la Squadra was like as babies/very teeny young children?

Just to be safe, in case you haven't read my fics, I have excellent news for you: Passione Babysitters, my still on-going but sporadically updated AU has several La Squadra members as small children! This fic was inspired by Gakuen Babysitters at a time when I was keeping up with Vento Aureo and my faves were falling like flies, so I needed something to keep me warm and fuzzy. In this one the toddlers all have Stands, and La Squadra ones include Formaggio, Pesci, Ghiaccio, and Illuso! (A joke chapter also has Prosciutto; everyone else was always either parents or teenagers.)

With that out of the way, it is highly suggested that every Stand user in Passione received their ability from the Arrow, so I'll answer this one on the basis of that and give you La Squadra as small ordinary children.

Risotto: Very Large for his age; probably such a difficult birth that his parents gave up on having more children - this headcanon would also explain why he was so attached to his cousin as an only child. Even as a toddler he would have been big enough to be intimidating to many, and probably spent a lot of time playing by himself.

Formaggio: Lively and mischievous, probably had siblings (I headcanon he had half-siblings) and was the most adventurous among them, which got him into plenty of scrapes even as a toddler; think him climbing up tall places while his motor skills were still developing, playing with bugs, the works.

Prosciutto: Was very beautiful with his full head of curly blond hair, but also very unsettling because of his big dark eyes and his porcelain doll vibes, especially when contrasted with how angry and violent he could get even as a little creature. I don't see him as a loner, but he was certainly not well understood.

Pesci: Oh, he was a delight, but his sweet and attached nature was probably overshadowed by the condition of his neck. Did not feel any different because of it, not consciously, but he was treated differently by most, so his originally cheerful attempts to Be There And Make Friends soon turned into shyness.

Ghiaccio: The angriest little gremlin you have ever seen. Incredibly sensitive to his curls, constantly overstimulated, Very Loud and Opinionated (it's not his fault that adults couldn't understand his passionate squeaks!) Probably threw his family for several loops because they did not expect such a vicious little predator.

Melone: Came into the world as a sickly baby and managed to cling on somehow. They expected him to ruffle very few feathers as a weak little thing, but he was very curious and inquisitive even for his age, so on top of his conditions, he sometimes chewed or swallowed things he shouldn't have.

Illuso: I headcanon him with a bunch of siblings, and as a very fussy and anxious child who constantly had to compete for attention and resources. Lots of toy disputes, hair pulling, screaming and crying, and generally dissing and sassing his siblings. Everyone loved how pretty he was, though, which helped a little bit.

Sorbet: Not the model of masculinity his family had been hoping for, but cruised by on sheer determination. Was kind of standoffish and self-sufficient even as a little boy and usually scooted off to some safe place with a toy or two to mind his own toddler business and play pretend.

Gelato: Another case of different expectations meet nonconforming child, only in this case, said child was extremely involved with everything and everyone he met. As a toddler he loved bringing people insects, chased every bird, cat and dog he found, and teased or played tricks on other kids and adults.

#jjba #la squadra #risotto nero #formaggio #prosciutto #pesci #ghiaccio #melone #illuso #sorbet #gelato #squadrah headcanons #squadrah original #squadrah fics

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evelhak · 1 year

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

April 26

If you're interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them?

If you're not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the "autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don't know how to do that!" mentality (for example that everyone tries to force social interactions because they think you secretly want social contacts)?

I need connection with others deeply and am very social, however, also very introverted so I need a lot of alone time, and I assume autism makes it even more so for me.

My natural way of making friends is going to someone and stating why I want to be friends with them. That tends to put people off, so I don't really do it in real life anymore. Online it seems to work a lot better, actually!

Another way for me to make friends is through a shared, predictable activity where I know my role. That way I always know what to talk to people about. Hobby groups have always been my number one environment for contact with other people, however, I still rarely make the kind of friends who I would see outside of that activity. It has happened a few times, but more often than not, people will create subgroups I'm not a part of, and I don't know how you get into those. Mostly I don't mind though, since the demands would exceed my social capacity.

If there is no shared activity, I don't know how to make friends. I don't know what to say, or how they expect the relationship to progress, if they do. I can't do casual hanging out in groups very well unless there's a clear topic of discussion, and even then I usually don't get a word in because people don't notice I'm speaking. I have no clue how most people seem to be able to get their turn to speak so intuitively. Generally speaking I'm not socially anxious though, so I don't fear parties or gatherings or anything, I just don't know how to really be a part of the crowd, so usually I end up sitting with someone's cat or finding their bookshelf instead of talking to people much.

Sometimes an extrovert/ambivert notices me for something, after being around the same circles for a while and ending up in situations with me. Usually it's something like, that I'm a good listener or empathetic, or they like my peaceful nature, or something like that, and that person takes it upon themselves to become friends with me, which is how I've made most of my real life friends. It happened enough times that I began to trust it will always happen at some point, so I'm not in a hurry to make friends in a new place. Even if most people find me too odd, or don't even notice me, there's always going to be that one person who was looking for someone exactly like me.

I'm a quality over quantity person, so having too many people to keep up with regularly distresses me a lot. Until university I was pretty used to having only one or two friends who would expect me to talk to them most days. It's important to me to be a part of a group but it suited me very well that most people in them never expected me to be reachable outside of the hobby/activity, because it's through a shared interests that I feel the most connected to people anyway, and I need most of my free time for decompressing from social interaction and sensory overload.

However, in university I somehow managed to have four people who constantly competed over my time and they all happened to be prone to jealousy too. That was probably the only time I consistently had too much attention to cope with it. I was studying full time, writing my novels, taking five ballet classes a week, helping an elderly lady with her grocery shopping regularly, and on top of that I had friends who each expected to hang out with me at least twice a week? My tolerance was more like I could see one of them each week and only once. So their expectations were completely overwhelming to me, and I couldn't explain why, because I didn't know I was autistic. And it was a new situation: during my first year in uni I had grown accustomed to sometimes having no contact with anyone for a week or two, not even talking to anyone in class. But then I suddenly had too many close friends for my brain capacity. I remember it culminated in me having a total meltdown (both in autistic and general sense) which shocked everyone because they had never seen me get angry before. I wasn't even really angry, I was just overwhelmed. I tried to explain how I need time for writing, since that was the only thing I could think of that could excuse my inability to cope with the demands of friendships, but they didn't really understand it, because for them seeing me twice a week was almost too little, and they interpreted my behaviour as not really caring about them as much as I said I did. Somehow we worked on communication over time, and began to understand each other though, and everyone was able to make compromises. Most of them are still my friends.

These days I'm in a pretty comfortable place. Most of my friends are long distance but it's alright because interacting with someone's mind is the most meaningful aspect of friendship, and it's easier for me to sustain a bigger number of long distance friends because I can easily control when I interact with them. I still have my activity groups for in person interaction, and I live with family members who are completely used to and not threatened by me spending the majority of time in my room. Despite of needing so much time alone it's really important to me to have people around and to do things together and be actively involved in each other's lives. There are also a few people who don't overwhelm me at all, and I could talk to them for hours without needing a break.

Hmm, this post is kind of a mess. To conclude, I need deep interaction but not necessarily a lot of it. I need a lot of alone time, but I'm the most comfortable having someone in the next room and knowing each one of us can disturb each other if we need anything. The loneliest I have ever been in my life was when I didn't have a group. I'm the most fulfilled when I have a group and "my person" within that group. Even if I have friends, I don't feel fulfilled unless we share an intense interest. I'm very comfortable listening to people and some are drawn to me because I have a special interest in people and can analyse their behaviour and feelings in a way that helps them, but I don't necessarily need the same kind of interaction, I'm not very interested in talking about my feelings, I want to share interests above all else. Because of that I'm more active in friendships with a shared interest, and I'm more passive and more likely to wait for the other person's initative in friendships that are based on hanging out and talking. But all my friends are still important to me. ❤️

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic

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jorelieelcamel20 · 1 month

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“Ways To Build Unbreakable Confidence :From The Outside In”

There are a million different resources and pieces of advice out there from “experts” on how to build confidence, particularly self-confidence.

A vulnerable and anxious population consumes this guidance like they are starving for it… probably because they are. The dream of being able to overcome all fear and self-imposed limits by simply reading some advice is a very tempting dish indeed.

After lifetimes of being subject to images and ideals that they cannot possibly live up to, people start to feel like they are “less than.” This fear of being a substandard human being drives some of us to seek guidance, bringing us into contact with the murky, over-crowded world of self-help products and services.

Look, some of the stuff out there is good – I know, I’ve tried most of it. However, some of it is very misguided and even delusional.

People who lack self-confidence themselves can take a class on basic theoretical knowledge of psychological research, and use it to excrete volumes of garbage about how to build self-esteem and confidence.

They then charge copious amounts of money for this drivel, which usually makes you feel great temporarily but does absolutely nothing to change your long term situation.

I’m not going to pretend I know it all, yet what I do have to offer is that I have completed the full journey, from shy, “nice,” and trying to please everyone, all the way through to where I am now.

You may ask, where is that, and what does being confident mean to me? It means that these things now occur in my life where they didn’t before.

I regularly seek out opportunities to push boundaries and expand my comfort zone, running towards fear rather than away from itI can go into a situation full of anxiety and quickly push through that to enable me to feel competent and at easeI feel comfortable being honest in all situations.

Rather than hide my views, I express them calmly and diplomatically where required, but also without compromiseI place my needs above everything else.

I am selfish about developing my life and inner-self, because I know that ultimately the people in my life will benefit from me being a better person most importantly from my point of view, I can’t remember the last time I felt jealousy or envy, and it’s been many, many years since I entertained the idea of wanting to be anyone else.

So how did I get to this from being a “nice” guy that did all I could to avoid confrontation and anxiety-provoking situations? Well, it wasn’t easy! I have taken some time to break down the steps I took to achieve this in order to help others out there who are similar to me and serious about developing true, unbreakable inner confidence.

See the secret is really no secret at all – it’s about constantly taking action in a way that pushes your comfort zone further out until you learn how to make any situation feel like it’s in your comfort zone.

Below are 9 ways to build unbreakable confidence from the outside in. Something that is a real confidence drainer is not knowing where you’re going in life. The great thing is you don’t even need to be sure about it; you just need to have a direction to travel in.

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daryljdugdale · 4 months

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A final goodbye to our sacred home !

This week I sell my finca in Spain! This was Daryl’s sanctuary ,and I was at my happiest here. Daryl and I spent days within nature, being alone and together, growing stronger and dreaming and healing. It was a safe haven where cancer was temporary kicked away. However as the world encountered Covid we were brutally forced to go back to the UK for treatment. Daryl’s health gradually deteriorated so we only sadly only could make one further trip to Cortijo Encantadora. Following Daryl’s death the finca represented both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it reminded me of him but it was a curse … because it reminded me of him. It was an ever-present reminder that he was gone and he would never come to use it again. My heart demanded a soothing substitute for the gaping hole. One solution could have been to go to Spain to see if I could find peace and healing in those mountains like Daryl and I had previously . I did consider this but after a loved one’s death we crave a gradual adjustment to help soften the blow and my heart desperately tried to clutch the things that connect us to our loved one. For me that was being near Zak and Ede in the UK.

I then began to feel angry that I owned a place in Spain and I constantly worried about the practicalities. I worried about not caring for the land and became anxious when problems arose with the pool or the water systems. It became very complicated stirring often competing emotions that played tug-of-war on my heart and mind. I became angry with Daryl for persuading me to use my pension lump sum on this property . I was angry with him leaving me to sort this problem. I was angry with myself at feeling too sad to visit and l felt weak and pathetic. I discussed in counselling selling it but felt that would bring with It a sense of finality. It would create a tangible sense of moving forward… without Daryl. I also hoped maybe one day I would go back.

I was asked outof the blue by my friends living there if I wanted to sell. I felt Daryl presence as I considered this. Just before he died he told me he knew selling maybe necessary and I felt he gave me his blessing. He asked me to only sell to beautiful souls and I think we have found them. In a way selling feels like I’m eliminating Daryl’s presence — burying his memory — stripping the evidence of our life and dreams together. It can almost feel like betrayal but I haven’t rushed it and hopefully I will find peace. We created incredible intimacy and memories and those healing mountains are heartstring connections to Daryl , to his memory, to his essence, to his personality, his tastes, his being. They are not so easy to sever. It takes time for our heart to adjust and I think I’m ready but the step forward is painful. I often look at the beauty of it in photos and I want to touch, feel, taste, smell it . I mourn the tangible remainder of our dream of a simple life in Spain. But i know it actually all just represents the life I had, the love I had, the person I had. The life in Spain was our dream , and sadly our dreams ended with Daryl’s death. My future and my dreams are now only mine. At present living alone and remotely in Spain is not my haven. I don’t know where my future is but hopefully I will someday find my path.

The sale is going quickly and I don’t want to jink it but selling has been simple and maybe too rapid. I hope in time I may get a sense of freedom from the oppressive sadness I’m currently experiencing . I know the emotions won’t magically disappear and my tears are helpful. I trust in time I will have a sense of selling being a healthy step and a direction toward accepting my tomorrow. A tomorrow that is about me not about us. This letting go of my finca is a direction toward this adjustment. A step towards not being so desperate for the past but letting the past be part of who I am today.

I may need extra help and connections from family and friends over the next few months to process this. However i do wish with all my heart incredible peace , love and happiness to the special family who are starting their next chapter in the cortijo. You have Daryl’s blessing and in time you will have mine 🩷

Tracey x

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sea-lilli · 2 years

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Jax is upset right now because he was criticizing me having feelings around Jane. I had a trauma moment yesterday bc I found a gray hair and it triggered a ptsd moment for me, afraid of turning into my mom. Then, I came home and was still thrown off bc… ptsd moment. And we were talking all about how Jane was acting up last night trying to pick a fight. And jax is always like “oh I don’t think you realize your emotions have an effect on other people. I got anxious bc I knew you were in a bad mood and was on defensive looking for something with Jane and you. So I could shut it down.” Like it’s my fault for having any sort of negative emotion around Jane. Like seriously? Wtf? I’m supposed to just be happy all the time around her even if I’m not?

Then jax was saying about how he had feelings too that came up when I have feelings. But like, and I said this to him, those are HIS feelings to manage. And he’ll just start talking about how I’m a shitty person for having feelings bc it’s impacting him and he doesn’t know how to calm himself down. Like he needs support from me on his feelings so he thinks that I’m not giving him that support. But then he’ll tell me he doesn’t want me to do anything. It’s very passive aggressive. He’s not happy with something but doesn’t know what he wants me to change.

Honestly? I appreciate him comforting me when I’m sad etc but it’s never really that much. I don’t turn him into a therapist ever. And I feel that he wants me to do that with him. He does have feelings and I do dismiss them sometimes. But it’s like the same feelings over & over & over again. Ie. With his anxiety around illness /pills. It’s the same conversation over & over. I get bored doing it. These topics are things that he needs more than what I can provide. He needs a therapist. It shouldn’t be in depth emotional support helping him get to the bottom of all his issues. That should not be my expectation. So I don’t do it. I am his gf, not his therapist, and it wears me down for him to constantly put me in that role. Also, even if I were to offer more therapeutic support to him, he doesn’t listen to it. He doesn’t put it into action. So just… why? That feeling of frustration is why I don’t provide that level of support to him.

Also, I am tired of him constantly criticizing my behavior around jane. It is constant. He always says I bicker with her a lot, or that she tries to compete with me, etc. but he is sorta just now seeing that his child has problems too. Like he always wants to put it on me that something is wrong. He wants ME to make the perspective changes, me to change my behavior, but the thing is, I went to therapy for a long time. I might be wrong on some parts but I spent a lot of time learning to self reflect and analyze behaviors. I am amazing at it at my job. My actions are statistically less likely to be unhealthy than the person who didn’t do as deep work on themselves.

I’m just honestly exhausted. I feel like I’m pulling the family healthy and that’s great, so much progress, etc. but it’s exhausting. Esp when I’m doing all this work & jax is still like, “do more.” Like sometimes i wonder if we are fundamentally just incompatible. I wonder if we just have way too different views on parenting / self work. It’s coming out too lately in intimacy. I’m not wanting sex as much. I don’t always want to be vulnerable with him, bc I don’t always feel safe emotionally. And that is bc he criticizes my feelings a lot when I am sensitive.

Ie yesterday. He did give me a good passionate speech on how I’m not my mom, but he also was critical. WHY do you feel this way. You SHOULDNT feel this way. I was just playfully teasing. Etc.

How am I supposed to feel safe when he criticizes. Esp with him, I have these intense, powerful orgasms. Sometimes they bring up intense feelings and I want to cry. Or like I’ll get triggered during sex and have to stop and be held type of thing. And I don’t want to be criticized in that deep moment of intense feeling. So I just don’t want to. It doesn’t feel supportive.

I’ve also gotten to the point in our relationship where certain arguments I no longer want to have with him. Like around rayne, parenting, money. We’ve had them so much and it’s so much for me to break down for him that I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want want to talk about it with him bc it’s the same ass loop. He has to be separate and just learn on his own. When he’s ready and wants to, he will change. I don’t want to put effort into it.

And like, the gift thing today. He said he was going to stick to practical gifts with me. Like gift cards. No jewelry. No pjs. Bc he said I don’t wear them. And that’s cool but it’s like he’s no longer putting so much effort into the relationship. He doesn’t care to find great presents for me bc ? Idk? He’s tired too?

I don’t think he could do it all on his own tho. Like with Jane. I think the transition would have been too much. I think he’s not used to having her so much. I think if I left, he’d prolly flail a little bc I do a lot of helping her with behaviors.

I’m like, I want to stay with him and work stuff out. But I also think it’s a lot of therapeutic effort I put out & that the effort isn’t always matched. I appreciate having a space I can have feelings in & the growth that comes from this relationship. But I also am just exhausted from the growth. Esp that first year. It was hard to adjust to having a kid in my life, living half time with her, not getting triggered so much, different parenting philosophies, different money ideas, and living on grid again. It was hard. I just want to rest a little and not worry anymore.

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shes-homeward-bound · 2 years

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Crash and Burn | Chapter 1

Summary: You’re the first female driver to compete in the Formula 1 World Championship in decades and it's your second year of navigating through a male-dominated sport. Your talent and drive to prove yourself made you vicious on the grid. Your seemingly unshakeable confidence was never questioned- until a certain Ferrari driver made you crash and burn.

Pairing: Carlos Sainz Jr. x Reader

Chapters: 1/11

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 2.3k

Posted on: 3/31/2022

masterlist

A/N: hey guys! This is my first fanfic so feel free to give me feedback! I’m not posting this story anywhere else so please lmk if you see my writing on other sites. Pls remember this is just fanfic. This is just for fun and what I write is not an actual depiction of their character. Also, I have nothing against Lance Stroll, I just really wanted the reader to be teammates with Sebbie. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

The sound of cars honking in the distance drew your attention away from your phone. Your performance coach Anna tapped the steering wheel in annoyance. There was a traffic jam on the freeway and you were already running late to the last testing day in the Barcelona circuit.

“Great,” you murmured.

“Try to relax. Use this extra time to loosen up the neck and shoulders. Don’t forget your neck stiffens up when you get too anxious” said Anna

Despite it being the third day you were still tense and the last thing you needed was to feel more nervous. Attempting to calm yourself down, you scrolled through the pictures of your rookie year as you slowly rolled your neck. You couldn’t help but smile at a video of your first podium in Spain. P3. You could hear the laughter as you sprayed the champagne directly at Lewis only to get ambushed by Max as he targeted the both of you. The next picture was you smiling brightly dressed in Aston Martin green clutching your champagne bottle and trophy. This was your first and only podium but for a rookie, that was an amazing achievement. But, you were hungry for more. You were always wanting more.

You were determined to get Aston Martin out of the midfield and with the legendary Sebastian Vettel as your teammate, you knew you’d have a great shot for a fight to the top. Last year’s season was great and with this year's new sponsors, you have a chance to compete with the big teams.

Being the first female Formula driver since Giovanna Amati in 1992, it turned heads and rocked the Formula 1 world. The misogyny and sexist comments about you would most likely never stop but you proved to them what you were capable of. Your podium as a rookie and regularly scoring points in 16 out of 22 Grand Prix earned respect from the paddock and F1’s commentators. You were lucky to have started racing in 2021, you couldn’t imagine what the female drivers went through 40 years ago. You still had a lot of work to do regarding female representation in motorsport and you were up for the challenge.

After what felt like forever, you and Anna finally arrived at the Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya. You smiled and waved at the photographers at the entrance awaiting your arrival. You walked briskly and quickly changed into your fireproof suit and immediately got to work. After making your rounds greeting the engineers, and mechanics, you hopped in the car and tried to zone out everything else. It was just you, the car, and your race engineer.

As practice dwindled down and multiple laps were made around the circuit, your body was sore. You pushed the car to the limits trying to get used to the new 2022 model whilst giving feedback to the engineers. Sebastian’s pace was better than yours but you didn’t let that bother you. The important thing you needed to worry about was to get used to the car and learn how to best handle it. You were constantly fighting the car in all the turns and the oversteer wasn’t helping. It also didn’t help that your heart jumped whenever a Ferrari passed you.

Testing was officially over and the drivers and their teams dispersed. You spotted the shorter man with the papaya-colored mask and you squealed.

“LAANDOOO!” you said as you ran towards him.

He met you halfway greeting you with a bear hug. “You were late! You missed breakfast with the boys!” said Lando.

Lando had become one of your closest friends in the paddock. Being the same age as him helped you bond as he helped you transition from F2 to F1. Before you could answer Lando, you were engulfed in another hug from the honey badger himself.

“Mini-Me!” he hollered as he squeezed you tight.

“Ugh! You smell like socks Daniel!”

“You don’t smell the best either!” he said as he wrestled you into a chokehold.

After winning over the media in your debut season, people started comparing your personality to Daniel Ricciardo. You were always smiling and socializing but had aggression when it was needed. The fans loved whenever you guys would interact with each other. You fed off each other's energy and you could guarantee something funny was bound to happen when you two were together.

Catching up with the other drivers felt so surreal, you couldn’t help but get starstruck as you chatted with drivers like Lewis and Fernando. You thought the shock would wear off after your rookie year but here you were beaming at them. Sometimes when you receive texts from your teammate Sebastian, you’d have to collect yourself before replying.

You spotted a flash of red in your peripheral and you whipped around to see who it was. The Monegasque grinned at you under his mask and fist-bumped you. Just like Lando, befriending Charles was easy due to the closeness of your age. You spent a load of your time streaming and playing on the F1 simulator with Lando, Charles, George, and Alex.

“How’d practice go today?” said Charles.

You stretched your back feeling the muscles strain. “I know we train off-season but getting used to the G’s is always a challenge.”

“You better get used to it, Aston Martin was looking fast all weekend”

You rolled your eyes. “You literally overtook me 3 times.”

Your laughter died down as you noticed the other Ferrari driver approaching the group that surrounded you. You didn’t know what it was but you didn’t know how to act around Carlos. Even though you thought he was one of the most handsome men you’ve ever met or that you thought he was one of the best drivers on the grid. You’ve never had a genuine conversation with the man. All of your interactions have been brief and polite but you couldn’t tell if he liked you or not. Hell, you couldn’t even tell if he’s accepted you in the grid as a female driver. You’ve tried to get more out of the man but it was almost like he avoided you. You didn’t have to be friends with everyone on the grid but it was nice to know they had your back.

Carlos willingly approaching you was new and you guessed he probably hadn't even seen you. Your suspicions were confirmed as you noticed his eyes widen when he spotted you. He gave you a curt nod and that was it, his attention was now fully on Lando. The boys started loudly conversing and it left you quietly observing the Spaniard in red. He didn’t even properly greet you and it bothered you more than it should. You watched him energetically interact with the other drivers and you wanted to know why he couldn’t even have a proper conversation with you.

Maybe it was the competitiveness in you or the constant need for validation but you were determined to break down that weird wall he’s put between you. During the team debrief you started your annual goal list for the season.

Become one with the car

Score the points in every Grand Prix

Befriend Carlos Sainz Jr.

Out of the three, you could already tell which one would be the most difficult to achieve.

*******

After spending time in the factory, you decided to have one last mini-vacation before the Bahrain practice sessions. It was the first week of March so you knew it wouldn’t be too warm but Mallorca and the Mediterranean Sea were calling you. It wasn't peak holiday season and that was the way you wanted it. You rented a beautiful beach house for a week and you’ve been appreciating the peace and quiet. In a few days, it would be the start of long hours and cameras constantly shoved in front of your face. Even though you’ve had great media presence, it still made you anxious. Everything you did or posted was scrutinized by fans and F1 commentators. They were waiting for you to make mistakes, act aggressive or be too emotional. The constant questions about your love life annoyed you the most, your male colleagues were rarely asked that question but it was a regular occurrence for you.

Your love life was never really exciting and that was probably for the best. When you fall for someone, you fall hard. You were emotional and you tended to put a lot of energy into your relationships. You had a boyfriend during your stint at F2 but before your rookie year, you broke it off, putting 100% of your focus on your career.

It was your last day at the beach house and you decided to let your coach sleep in. Your favorite cafe was only 3 miles away and you had the great idea to do your morning run and get coffee afterward. It was a long 3 miles but you pushed yourself hard and by the time you arrived you were gasping for air. As you got control of your breathing, you admired a vintage Ferrari that was parked by the cafe. Well, that’s typical for Mallorca you thought.

You were appreciating the decor and the exciting atmosphere when you noticed the man standing in line in front of you. Wearing workout clothes and a backward cap was someone familiar. You discreetly shifted to the left to get a closer look and a gasp escaped your lips.

“Carlos?!”

His head snapped in your direction. His jaw dropped in surprise as he looked you up and down making sure it was the Aston Martin driver in front of him. Then something uncharacteristic happened. He smiled at you.

“Y/N! What are you doing here?”

“I’m just trying to have one last holiday before the season officially starts. You?”

“Same, I came here to spend time with my family before the chaos started," said Carlos.

You both stood in awkward silence not sure what to talk about next. You were about to blurt out something stupid about the weather when Carlos broke the silence.

"Do you want to join me for breakfast?" he said as he gestured to a table nearby.

"Sure," you stammered. Your head was spinning. He went from not talking to you to inviting you to eat with him.

With a latte in hand, you and Carlos settled down by one of the window seats. You both sat in comfortable silence taking in the view of the coast.

"How are you feeling about the upcoming season Carlos?"

He sipped on his coffee as he thought about his answer. "Ehh… I'm excited of course and I have a lot of confidence in the team. I was feeling good in the car in Barcelona but I don’t want to jinx myself. Only time will tell."

You laughed.

“You sound like you’re getting interviewed right now.”

“But it is true!” said Carlos.

You never realized how prominent his accent was. Despite traveling the world and spending time with many nationalities, you liked that it hasn’t changed. He asked you how you were feeling about your second year in Formula 1 and you responded with honest fervor.

“I want those podiums, Carlos. I keep thinking about my podium in Spain last year and I want more. I don’t expect to win this year but I want those podiums.”

Carlos laughed. “You’re more competitive than I thought. That’s good though, you need that drive to compete at this level. But, you already know that.”

You quirked your head to the side. You didn’t want to push it but you knew this was a good time to call him out.

“Well…you would know if you tried to talk to me,” you said softly.

Carlos froze in his seat before he ran a hand through his hair as you watched his face turn red. He was at a loss for words as he desperately racked his brain to find the words in English. You definitely caught him off-guard and you were beginning to regret what you said.

“You’re right. I realize I haven’t exactly welcomed you with open arms and I'm sorry about that,” said Carlos. He extended his hand towards you, his voice sincere. “Let’s start over?”

Looking at his hand and then his face, you decided he was genuine. You took his hand and firmly shook it. He apologized but he didn’t offer you any explanation for his behavior. It wasn’t enough but you didn’t want to push it, this was progress.

“Agreed. Let’s start over.”

Despite the awkward conversation, you two pushed through and had a pleasant breakfast. You started talking about your rookie year in F1 and he was able to relate to the craziness you’ve experienced. As the both of you shared stories of your karting days, you were able to relax and think about the shift in your and Carlos’ relationship. The man in front of you was different from the one you see in the paddock. He was actually being friendly and willingly holding a conversation with you. Maybe you misjudged him or he misjudged you.

The more you observed him you felt a small twinge in your gut. You could feel your heartbeat slightly accelerate as you took in the details of the man sitting in front of you. You shifted in your seat and fiddled with the utensils in front of you. You were mentally pushing down that feeling, you knew what that little pang could turn into. You were just realizing why you were so bothered about his behavior towards you. You were a little too attracted to Carlos Sainz Jr. and you were finally letting yourself admit it. You took a deep breath and slowly sipped on your coffee. “Fuck” you thought. This is going to be an interesting season.

#carlos sainz jr #carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz x you #carlos sainz fluff #carlos sainz jr x reader #formula 1 fanfiction #formula one x reader #formula 1 x reader #f1 fandom #f1 fanfic #formula 1 fanfic #charles leclerc #lando norris #daniel ricciardo

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random-yandere-fandom · 3 years

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Hi 💕. Can I ask about Ciel, Meliodas and L with pregnant darling 👉👈. (Everything you write is amazing!)

Thank you!🥰 I hope you like it!

Btw. Tumblr had a new update or something and writing with it is different now and I despise it. For some godforsaken reason it won`t let me add any gifs on my laptop, I`ll try again later on my phone. Alright, it at least works on my phone. Sorry, just had to rant about it.

Yandere Ciel with a pregnant darling

To say he is worried is an understatement. There are so many factors that endanger the child`s life that frustrate him to no end. First, Ciel doesn`t know for certain how much time he has left and if he would be a good father. Second, he is constantly targeted so from now on you`re only allowed outside in the garden when at least two servants, Sebastian or himself are with you. Even then the Phantomhive is anxious, but your health is more important now.

On that note, Ciel is thinking about assigning you your own personal doctor, the best of the best. He believes that having Sebastian around isn`t enough this time, especially since the demon has other matters to attend to. He`ll search for someone trustworthy and competent and with his abilities he`ll find the right person.

All servants are told to protect you even more than before and to get you anything you wish for. At least one of them is always near you. Tanaka makes you calming tea, Baldroy tries to make anything you might be craving, Finny tries to fill the garden in front of your window with beautiful flowers and birds, while Mey-Rin tries her best to keep everything around you clean and neat and Sebastian takes care of the mess those three make.

After getting over most of his paranoia Ciel will spend entire days around you, moving his workload to wherever you want to be. He studies about pregnancy and childcare in his free time, informing you about anything he deems as important. He`ll be there for you when you have morning sickness and through anything else that might come. The closer the due date gets, the more excited and anxious he will become.

Yandere Meliodas with a pregnant darling

He`s a lot more cheerful, wanting to celebrate as soon as you tell him the news. Meliodas will want to invite everyone in the whole kingdom, that`s how excited he is but after being told that stress is not good for you, he`ll settle for the other sins and their partners. Another fact that plays apart of that decision is his possessiveness and protectiveness, after calming down a bit he`ll start to worry, too.

The party will be without much alcohol, something very unusual, but Meliodas can`t stand the thought of you or the child being harmed in any way, be that through someone else in their drunken stupor or through glasses getting accidentally switched and you consuming some. Everyone except for you will get exactly one glass and that`s it.

The demon might have noticed your pregnancy before thanks to his perceptiveness if he wasn`t so clueless about it. While the thought of a mini you running around has crossed his mind and he liked it, that was as far as it got. Now though, he will make his research, specially about hybrids if you aren`t a demon. To ensure both the health of both of you, Merlin will regularly check up on your body, carefully using magic as to not harm either of you.

It won`t look like it, but Meliodas is far more alert than normal, covering it up with his normal humor. Any threat will be taken care of discretely and quickly, you`ll barely notice that Meliodas was gone.

All in all though he`s the most excited, he`ll lay his head on your belly every so often and the day he feels a kick for the first time he`ll be grinning for hours, exclaiming how your child will surely be a good fighter with such an amazing attack. Meliodas will talk proudly about his kid to anyone who might listen and won`t stop for a long time. He`s impatient when waiting for them to be born but he`ll be even more gentle with you than ever before, listening to most of your requests with no complaints.

Yandere L with a pregnant darling

L will notice your symptoms and put two and two together before anyone else. He will suggest to test it right away, being quite blunt about it. When his theory is proven right his reaction will be more subtle than anyone else`s, but for you it`s noticeable from the start.

While it seems there isn`t much emotionally going on inside his head, his actions tell otherwise. He`ll have a house prepared, somewhere further away from civilisation but safe, maybe next to a lake if that`s what you like. In the end it`s important to him that you can get fresh air whenever you need it and he`ll make doing his job there work somehow. Even though it seems like you two are alone, there will be high security and a doctor on stand by some kilometres away.

L knows that this can be scary for you, so he tries his best to be there for you and comfort you, any doubts you might have will be erased through his irrefutable logic and assurance. Watari will be ordered to buy anything you want and get you some books on pregnancy so that you can inform yourself.

Fascination is the best way to describe how L reacts, he will be enchanted, occasionally glancing at you and your belly even though he should be working. His head is full with ideas of possible names and stuff he has to get that it`s hard for him to concentrate. You`ll also notice that he will become more and more clingy as time progresses, he`s a fan of touching your belly and talking to it, hoping that the child reacts in some way.

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anakinspraisekink · 3 years

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Autistic Anakin Skywalker Headcanon

I've seen some posts about neurodivergent Anakin, and I think they're great!! So I wanted to make one specifically about autistic Anakin, since me being me with ASD, I needed this. Also this is ✨pure projection✨ on my part, so ofc everyone can have their own headcanons and interpretations of his character, and people can have different experiences with ASD!! These are simply a few of my thoughts just for fun 😊

Anakin might come across to many people as brash and confident or even flippant, when those who really know him (who are actually very few) know he is always self-conscious and considerate, and worries about how he presents himself to others.

It's often hard to quiet all the noise in his head, and during the war it's even harder when he can't have space and time to himself to decompress at the end of a hard day of fighting or after a long meeting. But making sure he has a place where he's comfortable enough, like the cabin of his ship, enables him to recuperate wherever he happens to be.

It's very easy for him to get distracted or anxious with too much stimulation going on around him, and he can be prone to outbursts or breaking down because of a sensory overload, which can make using the Force dangerous for him and others around him. But he's gotten better at controlling it with Obi-Wan's support over the years, and Obi-Wan can still help with calming himself down if needed.

He can't sit still or concentrate on much for very long, and he's always fidgeting, which is why his mother encouraged him to start fixing things in order to have him do something with his hands, and why Obi-Wan let him tinker with spare parts all the time when he was a Padawan, even during lessons. Thus he always has some little project on hand, even if it is just taking something apart and putting it back together again, anything that is repetitive and satisfying.

He likes to wrap himself up in his robe or hide his hands in his big sleeves especially when anxious, because COMFY :D

His living spaces may come across as untidy or cluttered to others, but to him it's organized and he knows exactly where everything is and doesn't like when things are moved without him knowing. There's probably a specific reason for why that broken droid is in the middle of the floor... but there's honestly also a chance he may have forgotten about it and has already moved on to a new project.

Even if from an outside view it could seem the opposite, he is very competent in what he does and puts so much energy into everything, even to the point of pushing and overworking himself. Obi-Wan or Ahsoka often have to pull him away from something, because it's obvious that he's stressed and tired but won't allow himself to quit yet.

He is very passionate about certain things and loves talking about them, even if others don't care to pay attention all the time. His friends always try to truly listen though :)

He may come across as emotionless and uncaring in both tone of voice and expression, but really he is feeling so much and doesn't know the right way to portray himself, so instead he wears a mask of what he thinks people want him to behave and look like. Thus his emotions might come out strong and intense when he is around people he's comfortable with, because he's been keeping them inside for so long.

Sometimes he prefers the company of droids because their reactions are logical and predictable and he doesn't have to be so self-aware of how he comes across to them, because he knows they like him regardless (as long as they're not seppie droids of course).

When he is especially confident and flirty or suave, he is probably copying what he's seen Obi-Wan do and putting on an act, and when he actually tries to flirt or impress someone who actually means something to him, it can turn out very awkward. Good thing Obi-Wan and Padmé have found it endearing. 😌

He keeps to himself often and only likes physical contact from those he truly trusts, and he doesn't trust easily. But to those he does trust, physical contact is sometimes the only way he knows how best to express his affection for them, and he likes to give it to them when he thinks they need it, too.

He doesn't mind conversation but he doesn't seek it constantly or need it all the time, and sometimes he's seen as rude for not wanting to talk for long right then. Sometimes it's easier to just talk to Obi-Wan and Ahsoka through their Force bonds, because he can express how he's feeling more easily that way without having to find the right words.

He can be very impulsive and prone to depressive episodes and quick to change emotion, as well as get frustrated or angry easily. His form being Djem So is a reflection of him being able to release those strong emotions from within him and putting them into use.

But he's also empathetic and sensitive, and very attuned to the Force and emotions because of that; he thinks of things or sees patterns others might have missed and pays attention to the little details. This is extremely valuable to him as a Jedi, especially since he's so powerful within the Force, that being able to feel so deeply and pick individual things out helps him navigate through how chaotic and loud the Force can often feel around him.

The experience of his childhood as a slave on Tatooine made him close his true self off from the world as a defense mechanism early on, to protect himself. It took a long time for Obi-Wan to coax him out of his shell when he was younger, and let him know that he doesn't need to put a mask on himself and his personality all the time, and that it's okay to be who he is. It can be hard for Anakin to remember sometimes, but he's learned that he's not a burden, that there are many people who care for him, and that he is very loved. ❤️

#anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker meta #autistic anakin skywalker #neurodivergent anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker headcanons #my stuff #ive had this in my drafts for so long but ive been lowkey too nervous to post it lol

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fariytail · 3 years

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Can you do a Lyon or sting hc? It could be of anything I just love them 🥰🥰🤩

❥ what would they be like as boyfriends:

Includes: Sting, Lyon, and Rouge

Sting

You get to date the hot blondie, that all the women want. Expect a bunch of jealous looks your way when you walk into town with him. Sting will be an enthusiastic and thrill seeking boyfriend. Sting will cheer you and celebrate you even if you didn’t win a fight or failed at something you desperately wanted. “Don’t give up.”

Training with him. You’re his lover and his training partner, he promises to go easy on you but when you remind him that you two are only training to get better at fighting - he trains with you like his life depends on it. Though, if you are too fragile to train with - he trains with rouge instead. No need to get his lover hurt.

Plenty of PDA, Sting is not embarrassed about your relationship at all. He will place kisses all over your jawline with a bunch of people in the room. He also uses subtle excuses, such as: “You have a little something here, darling. Let me get that for you.” “When’s the last time you've kissed me, huh?” “There was a “kiss me”planted on your face, right here.”

Needs plenty of affection as well and hates to see you leave for quests. “Promise you'll come back?” He'll be anxious for your arrival half of the time as well and tries his hardest to busy himself. When you return, he expects lots of kisses and cuddles. Throw in a date as well.

Lyon

Supportive but also straightforward. As your lover, he does the best he can to support you and always be there for you big accomplishments. Lyon also constantly asks you to travel with him. First off, because he wants to show off. Second, he wants to make sure you are safe. When you can't come with him, he'll mail you letters at the end every week to make sure you're doing okay.

Lyon always wants to make you laugh so he can see your smile. He makes a lot of jokes when you get hurt part of it because he's nervous and the other part is because he wants to know you're okay. Lyon enjoys time with you more than you know it, as a boyfriend, he wants to see you shine.

Lyon brings you gifts from time to time especially if he feels as if he’s been away for a while now. Lyon isn’t low on the affection either, he always wants to make you feel loved and expects you to do the same.

Dorky and competitive as well. He’s compete with you just to see how far you’ll go to strive that goal that you are reaching for. Lyon does pretend like he’s striving for your goal a lot but he only does it in order for you to be more competitive about it.

Rouge

Quiet and always picking up on the little things you do. He’s the boyfriend that observes everything that you do and then later tell you about because you said something about it. Half of the time you wonder where he gets all the information. It’s just by watching you.

Not much of an expressive lover. Rouge rarely talks but is always a great listener. Rouge, from time to time, does give advice on your problems. Though, most of the time expect him to respond with a hum. It isn’t because he’s not listening, most likely doesn’t know how to respond or is a bit confused on your problem. He doesn’t bombard you with questions about it, though.

Not much PDA, he does it sometimes bit it isn't rare. A peck on the cheek or a simple kiss on the lips will do for him. Protective Rouge as well, he was already protective when you guys were friends but it's up it's game. Rouge also feels very uneasy about you going on very dangerous quests alone.

Rouge will always be serious about your health as a lover. He’s always worried about you even though his face may never show it. He is. Sting and you are possibly best friends and he’ll get jealous from time to time because of it.

#sting eucliffe x reader #lyon x reader #rouge x reader #fairy tail sting #fairy tail #fairy tail x reader #fairy tail x you #fairy tail rogue

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jojotichakorn · 2 years

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I keep thinking of Ep 5, how pat watched prans instagram story, he also went through prans photos on his desktop. The second we go into pat's pov we see him looking for pran in any form. How long has he done this? did he often go prans pages during those yrs? did pran do the same? when they start dating will they post photos similar or write cryptic captions that hint at each other? little breadcrumbs of each others that they both know the meaning of but no one else does? We were thinking about the bracelets/watch but what's more "dating" in this age then to add your partner to your socials in some form? ☆

ohhh, this is a lovely thought, my dearest star!!

i am now thinking of pat going to pran's page and checking out how he's doing, telling himself it's because he still needs to know, because they will always be competing, but it's actually because he cares about him so much and he is so depressingly lonely that he needs at least some of him.

i feel like with pran it is much more devastating. like, i can totally imagine him making sure he doesn't check pat's page no matter how much he wants to, because it hurts, but then he would have some moments when he is feeling really low, and he just goes and sees how he is doing, and it's terrible and incredible at the same time.

i am also now thinking how cute it would be to see how their socials will gradually change. i feel like at the very beginning, they wouldn't post anything at all, because even just the breadcrumbs could raise some eyebrows (especially if ur anxious about being discovered and all). but then they will slowly pepper in some small things. u know, suspiciously lovesick quotes under the photos, pictures clearly taken by someone else that have a very special vibe to them, breakfast made for two, things like that. then, when their friends finally know and they don't really have to hide as much (because i assume they hide their socials from their parents if they even try to follow them at all), and so they'll get bolder. pictures of hands intertwined, "i'm borrowing this" written under pics of one of them in something they'd never wear, shots of date spots, and undeniably romantic little things (that pat especially will constantly do for pran). and don't even get me started on how unhinged they will go when they are public and no longer scared. because F U C K.

#as usual i went off lklgjsklgjflkgjfld #bad buddy #archer responds #star anon

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lolbatty · 3 years

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Just a quick blurb about some of the stuff I’ve been feeling and struggling with lately about my slowly ending toxic relationship and other stuff..

So far the worst part for me has been convincing my childhood abandonment trauma brain that it’s OKAY to let this person go... that because of many valid actual damn reasons I witnessed they were not a great person for me to spend time with or put energy into. They didn’t listen to me when I was speaking, did things for me only out of guilt, refused to introduce me to any of their friends or family, continually minimized my feelings, and lied to me constantly about their intentions for the relationship.

I think one of the more nefarious things about the relationship was that another person was involved that I didn’t know about at the beginning, an ex that they were still super close with. I was trying so hard to be understanding, so scared that I was just being jealous or overbearing when I felt the fear grip me inside after discovering their relationship. At one point this person even moved into their house, and I wasn’t allowed to come over anymore because ‘they’d get jealous’. I believed badly tailored lies to keep me around because I was too scared to let them go, especially during the full-swing of the pandemic when I had no one else to be close to. I really valued this person. I really wanted to believe that relationships are just complicated and messy and it wasn’t them still being in love with this other person, prioritizing them over me, but every instinct inside of me was screaming and every friend I talked to about it looked at me like I was crazy for trying not to be upset or suspicious. I ignored my intuition, figuring that I was just overreacting. Even now that we’ve broken up and are slowly drifting apart this other person is still a big part of their life, while their interactions with me are dwindling to nothing (a good thing obviously, but still painful for that inner child). I should be happy, but part of me is insanely envious of this connection they have, even a little furious. It triggers a very primal wound from my earliest years.

When I was growing up (4-11yrs) my I worshiped my Dad but he always had a lot of girlfriends, when I spent time with him in the summers I often had to ‘compete’ with these full grown women for his attention because he prioritized his relationships with them over his relationship with me. It was heart breaking, and gave me a very unhealthy idea of what was expected of XX bodied people to attract and keep attention. It also gave me a very DEEP and abiding wound centered around jealousy and envy which is haunting me the most right now with my current healing process. Old, untouched parts of me are churning beneath the surface of my consciousness, altering my ability to regulate my emotions and think logically about how much better off I am not having this crap in my life. I am SO PISSED OFF that this other person was -chosen- over me. And even though I never met them, I always hear this ancient voice inside my head wondering.. what do they have that I don’t? Why wasn’t I good enough?

It’s not that I want this destructive thing in my life, logically I know I should be singing and fucking dancing, howling at the damn moon because I escaped this invalidating cycle of bread crumbing, lying, gaslighting and back burnering. I know I deserve better. I want so badly to have better. But there is so much pain inside of me from these deep old traumas, and I have a lot of really old scars that need to be re-examined and addressed. In some ways I am grateful for this horrible experience because of everything I’ve learned about my anxious attachment, childhood trauma, complex PTSD and how it relates to my inability to have normal, healthy relationships.

But I’m also pretty mad about the last two years of my life being an emotionally damaging experience, in the midst of a pandemic, shortly after the sudden and depressingly tragic death of my alcoholic, narcissistic father.

I’ve changed. I don’t even remember what it was like to be me before 2018. I don’t draw anymore. I don’t post anymore. Commissions are a struggle. I miss the days of endless artwork and music and fandoms.. cruising tumblr and getting occasionally yelled at for making semi problematic statements because of my own personal growth. I often find myself wondering about the artists I used to follow who also disappeared. Where have they gone? Are their lives getting better? Worse? Are they still with us? I miss them the way I miss the old version of myself.

The years have not been cruel, but they have not been kind either. This latest battle has been an eyeopening experience. At almost 35 years I am just now learning I’ve been operating from these cornerstone hangups as if it were normal, like they were something that would get better or change over time if I ‘found the right person’. But now I know I never will find the right person, not until I find myself, because I will always push away the people who love me and self sabotage anything good. It’s too uncomfortable, too unfamiliar. I wanted to get married one day, start a family and build a future for my loved ones, but right now it feels like I’m still clawing my way up to ground zero.

From everything I have seen about attachment disorders, there is definitely hope, but I will need a lot of counseling. I have to change my relationship with myself before I can stop seeking out this same bullshit situation I’ve once again found myself breaking free from. As of now, I’m finally understanding why I keep finding myself here.

To anyone else also dealing with childhood PTSD and attachment problems... this wound can be healed. It takes time and understanding and a lot of hard personal work but it can be done. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on love. Get help. Learn stuff. Stay the course. Short term pleasure is not worth the long term pain. Sit on your throne, let people approach, maintain boundaries. Give those people time to show you how they are going to behave towards you, how they are going to treat you. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it. Avoid jumping into physical intimacy quickly, it’s especially toxic when you have attachment disorders. Don’t let people walk all over you, NO ONE is cool enough, accomplished enough or attractive enough to be allowed to get away with treating you like shit. Not ever. And if someone shows up who genuinely likes you, DO NOT search for reasons to prove them wrong.. I know it feels creepy or scary to be loved but they don’t want anything from you other than your heart, and that’s a good thing. Embrace it.

If you’re still here, thanks for reading.

#update #self #toxic relationships #childhood trauma #CPTSD #attachment disorder #anxious attachment

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hopeshoodie · 3 years

Note

What insecurities do you think the girls have?

Erghhhh this is an AMAZING question, Iris. Let's move from most insecure to least

Lottie

She has a lot of physical insecurities, and I imagine they're little insignificant things like 'my shoulders are too wide, my nose is asymmetrical, I don't have a cupids bow, I have cellulite' instead of bigger things. She spends so much time applying makeup and trying to perform her style for others that she ends up picking herself apart

That none of her friends actually like her and she has no one

That she has to compete with the girls around her, for attention/job opportunities/men

That people think she's not smart so she has to retaliate by being snarky and overly invested in other people's business

That she's unlovable and will never find The One

Hope (I love my girl but oh boy is she insecure)

She always second guesses the commitments she makes because what if there's something better? What if something out of her control falls through?

That she's unlovable (she doesn't believe in The One like Lottie but she very much does worry that her standards are too high and she'll never find someone)

That she's not successful and rich ENOUGH (she's very confident in her career but also is motivated by wanting more)

Once she recognizes and starts actively working on her anger issues she's very self conscious of her past actions and how older friends perceive her

That she makes more money than her partner and some internalized misogynistic part of her doesn't want that to be true

Marisol

That her attraction to women isn't valid/her lack of experience with women. She constantly asks herself if she's pretending to be into women for attention lmao 13 year old me agrees

That she's not as smart as she thinks she is or conversely that she is super smart but can't convey that to other people

That she doesn't do as well in school as she'd like

That she doesn't have a whole lot of close friends, just many acquaintances. She's constantly anxious that people are doing things without her and excluding her.

Purely headcanon but I feel like she's really conscious of how she moves/walks and is insecure about how others perceive her because of it

Her height, but only sometimes

Hannah (I hate putting her so low but I think she's so naive and firmly in her not like other girls phase that she doesn't recognize her insecurities)

That other people will think she's stuck up or stupid

That she's actually terrible at writing (with her reading comprehension of classics... girl it's not looking good)

That she can't compete with other women. Not that shes not interesting and hot, she knows she is, but that she'll get lost in a crowd.

That she's not the right kind of beautiful. She gets called pretty a lot but will pick about that she wants to be sexy or intense or attractive in a way that doesn't come naturally to her.

Priya (I hate saying she's less insecure than the others because she's way more immature, but her immaturity comes from lack of impulse control rather than anxiety)

I get the sense that Priya is happy how she is, but feels like she never lived up to some expectation. She enjoys being a realtor, but always felt like she could/should do something more

I don't think she has the self reflection to realize that people perceive her as basic, but she definitely recognizes and worries that she doesn't have a distinct personal style like it seems everyone else does

I think the majority of her insecurities are based on what she THINKS everyone else is. She thinks 'everyone else has a million friends and I don't' 'everyone else has a 14 step skin routine and I don't' 'everyone else has their life completely figured out and I don't'. None of its true, she's just self flagellating herself because of the idealized things she sees on Instagram.

Elisa

She's super confident about her appearance, style, personality, and status, but she's DEFINITELY very dependent on others for validation. She's constantly worried that her look/interests will go out of style.

Shannon

What other people think of her. She's fine if you hate her (and might even like it), as long as she thinks the criticisms are invalid or she doesn't like you already. She just needs to be relevant, desired, and thought of as interesting so badly.

My girl doesn't have an insecure bone in her body aside from being wrong. When she's confronted with demonstrable proof that she's wrong about something big, she shuts down and obsesses over it. Little things she can shrug off easily, but when something gets under her skin she cannot stop obsessing about it.

#litg #final trash dump

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