#but I'm so fucking hopeless

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

#my life completely sucks #I wish I was loveable #my dads been thinking out loud all day and he's depressed and angry cus of my mom #so I'm sponging it all up #I hate her so much I hope that bitch gets cheated on #I'm so lonely and broken I wish I wasn't in bed alone #I wish I wasn't a sex freak so I could be with someone I love #I wish I was pretty and not ugly and fat and gross #I wish I was enough #I'm hitting a real low point #I'm going to being 25 soon and it's scary #my life is completely empty I'm going to be 25 I'm running out of time #but I'm so fucking hopeless #it feels like there's no point in me being alive #I'm just a waste of space and a burden and thinking about living another 25 years alone makes me sick #I'm so empty and broken

[lazylittledragon]

do any other artists feel like. yeah you're a 'good artist' because you draw things that look nice, but like. TECHNICALLY? you're really not great

i really hate that i can recognise that yes, my art is good, but is it VARIED? is it dynamic?? is my anatomy good? is it full of texture and colour theory? do i know how to do This? can i do That? no, not really. and that's quite painful actually

#ramble #yes this is the artist's perspective bs and yes this is anxiety because it's 1am #and yes i'm forever learning and growing but also #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. #drawing my little guys is fun but i am not good enough for the industry right now and that fucking sucks #i really feel like if i walked into a studio with my portfolio right now they would laugh at me #one of those days where i wish i'd done a more useful degree y'know #i'm going back through the phase where i don't know what i'm going to be anymore and it's scary #some days i really want to give it up and never draw again and do something worthwhile because i Know my life would be easier #and i hate that something i love so much makes me feel so hopeless #signs that i should go to bed ^^^^ #i will resume my pity party tomorrow

[homkamiro]

- Now I see what Miss Pauling has to deal with

- What do you mean?

- You're kinda like, well, you know...a puppydog

- I am?!

- Well, you're super friendly. Very obedient. But you need a lot of attention. Works for me, though, I was thinking of getting a pet anyway

#speeding bullet is SOOOO Nana core I'm crying #I want to reanimate like every fucking dialogue from this anime #i'm so normal #i should probably make a fem sniperscout × nana crossover someday #the dynamic of hopeless romantic and loner with abandonment issues....goddd #team fortress 2 #tf2 #team fortress 2 fanart #tf2 fanart #team fortress 2 animatic #tf2 animatic #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #sniperscout #speeding bullet

[skeletoninthemelonland]

never lay down in bed right after eating. don't think about staying on your phone for nearly two hours in that position. don't sleep either. acid reflux is real and i hate that guy

#uhhhh eat healthy and drink water etc etc #yknow. the exhausting but healthy things we gotta do to keep our silly billy bodies workin #i hate how this adds up to anxious thoughts djsfjdsbhjqklfehpiJADAASFGHJIOPA #i tried drawing today but it felt so draining and pointless #the floods + university strike + the cold + lack of routine + overall anxious thoughts but ig everyone is going through it too #i'm just glad my house is not under water now. my pets and things are all here and i do have blankets to warm myself with #but damn. #when your mind is not occupied with the routine it starts bothering you with unwanted thoughts #and it's not good when everyone else at home is going through the same stress #it feels just as hopeless and stressful as it was during the covid pandemic #in a way we are 'under quarantine' and isolated. unsure if it's gonna directly affect our lives. #i heard the water levels are rising quickly and people are coming in seeking public shelters... #lol idk how this went from acid reflux back to the floods. see that it's def something we can't stop worrying about rn. #what if i wake up with water on my ankles tomorrow? the videos we saw showed the water coming in so fast it's fucking scary #there was no way to just pack everything and move before it got worse. #starbstalks

[caluupin]

Father!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

#caluuart #genshin impact #genshin #art #arlecchino #god she's just so. cool. pretty. ethereal. badass. #also I LOVE HER STORY QUEST SO MUCH!! I think it's definitely one of the best story quests in the game tbh. #wait uh arlecchino story quest spoilers below: #for one; the quest really gives even more depth to arlecchino's character. like yeah the whole thing is well. messed up. #it's an orphanage that raises orphans to be child soldiers after all. But it's also like. It's more.... humane? nicer? for the fatui anyway #which does bring me to the next thing. you know how arlecchino's like “if you're gonna leave the HotH you need to fight for it with ur life #I genuinely think that she's gonna just. straight up kill them. although it's not unlikely at all it turns out that (most of the time?) she #-just gives them a one trip to memory loss and set them free. which i do know it's kinda like death in genshin's lore but still. #I just find that pretty interesting. #also the cutscene where clervie says goodbye n stuff. It makes me cry EVERY TIME. ARGHHHH TRAGIC CHILDHOOD DOOMED YURI MY BELOVED :((( #clervie makes me so sad man. the fact that she just. accepts death. she really just let peruere kill her huh. crucabena when I fucking get #the hopelessness getting to her at that point. all attempts of freedom failed until that day..... GOD. and clervie finally getting closure- #-in the story quest as a spirit... I just..... man......... #on a lighter note :) #I got obsessed with a bloodborne OST LMAO. the uhh the lugwig boss theme. esp the sec phase one. it's SO GOOD. I first heard abt it in a- #-vid analyzing the ost musically. At the time i was like. woah. cool. what a cool sounding track. fast foward to like. a day before 4.6 #I'm watching a genshin theory video and I heard the music in the bg. I recognized it but I couldn't remember where I heard it from #UNTIL I REMEMBERED. and looked it up. And I have not known peace since. good music. #anw I've been rambling too much so yeah. gn my dear fellows!!

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

#(i'm fine) #(personally) (mostly) (really) #this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals #and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that... #...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once #including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that #and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died #and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal #which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting #and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing #desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird #always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/ #and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were #so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile #but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had #and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair #to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly* #and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful #i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why... #...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating #it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible #and feeling that way is 100% sane #and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple #for meaning and for ideas of what to do #so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things #and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days #often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control #and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being... #...at least a sliver about ME and my little world #about me

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me' #i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe! #so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

[mercymaker]

there's really a unique flavor to the fear of seeking medical help because you're anxious the doctor won't believe you or think you're lying 💀

#life #hmm maybe i do have some trauma in the healthcare department who knows #it's just been exhausting living with pain and some doctors literally giving up after their first hypothesis doesn't check out #like my stomach (and esp duodenal) pain has been really impacting my life in the past couple of years #and my current doc hasn't even referred me to a gastroenterologist #or suggested an endoscopy #which is like.. standard for someone with a history of ulcers and gastritis #he instead focused solely on the lower abdomen #and sent me to do xrays and ultrasounds that showed sweet fuck all of course #even the ultrasound lady was surprised i was there #but yeah nah #when i phoned to ask about further tests or treatment the nurse literally said #“well the tests didn’t show anything wrong so i don't see the problem” #gah i'm just so tired because all those experiences just put me off trying #and it's just a hopeless feeling #it's like no one is listening no one cares about my pain

[soapkid]

ive gotta be real im kind of losing hope for life

#it feels like it's only get worse and worse lately and i just don't know what to do man #its just like. swallowing me whole #the furure feels so fucking looming no matter what #i feel like a pathetic bum because i genuinely dont know that ill ever be able to take on longer than a 25 hour work week max #and because of how everything is im doomed to be forever dependant on someone covering so much for me #i don't feel like I'm ever going to be secure and i just. i have hopes for the future but any time i try to consider how i get there i just #it feels like everything falls apart #i know it's probably because it's 2 in the morning but i just don't have any faith in my life... #it's hard not to just. consider death sometimes i guess. I'm not actively suicidal. id hardly even say i passively am most of the time #it's just like... i don't fucking know how I'm going to make it out of this man. i feel so hopeless #...rant over

[agrebel18]

 I do not understand people who make fun of others who make a romantic pairing between fictional characters queerplatonic as if it’s a “downgrade”

#and qpr isn't just friendship either!!! #it's something different from friendship and romance so y'all can shut the fuck up!!! #I understand if you're feeling that you HAVE to interpret them that way because of peer pressure #but I don't think this happens often so yeah #(and this is coming from someone who's a hopeless romantic) #besides this is harmless so if you do this then stop it!!! #BTW THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN'T INTERPRET A SHIP YOU LIKE AS ROMANTIC OR THAT YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE THAT THEY'RE CANONICALLY INTO EACH OTHER #OR CANONICALLY DATING #since I like to see my blorbos be happily in love with each other! #but don't be an asshole! #there are a few specific ships that people do this with that come to my mind as I'm typing this #but thats not important #fandom salt

[hyperfixation-tangentopia]

H e l p I tease about my friends being romantic but I was hanging out with a friend and fuck why is their laugh so cute ;-;

#please help #I'm sitting here thinking it's so funny how people act around their crush #AND THEN I TRIPPED OVER MY WORDS LIKE 17 TIMES #I'm not that embarrassed about it but why are they so fffff please help #I'm not crushing #please help why am I like this #we were playing in this soap/fake snow machine and they were so fucking cute help kill me #strangling the hopeless romantic in my brain #THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE REAL FRIENDS MY AGE #it's not it's because I'm lonely BUT AGH

[moe-broey]

I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)

But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.

#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that. #but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like #i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun #but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules. #my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like #damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag #BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest #while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh #i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself #IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die. #which like. kind of limits my prospects. #i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind. #i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options #plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery) #SAD. well there are other people in yhe world #but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me. #there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect. #and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me #i am very thankful for that. #it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.

[guruguruguruguru]

the longer i sit with it the more it really gets me how nobody ever really mentions obito and rin before obito's reveal in shippuden. kakashi vaguely mentions his old friends and i think other characters allude to the tragedy of kakashi's past but rin and obito themselves are lost to time. something about that is so fucking haunting and so gutting. you would think it would be a pretty big deal that two kids from the same class died within a year of each other, but the nine tails attack probably wiped so much clean that nobody could really carry the grief... still, when we see their class in flashbacks, we recognise almost everyone else, so... there's something really sad and hopeless about their absence...

there's a lot a LOT to say about it from a lot of different angles and i don't really feel like going into meta posting territory i just have big feelings about it you know? and to me i guess obito encapsulates a lot of the anger. for the people who get left behind and forgotten. and that can mean a lot of things

#two of my classmates died on separate occassions in short span of time in high school and i wont claim that grief because #i didnt know either of them well but i did feel a lot of anger and overwhelming hopelessness. that life keeps relentlessly going on #even when people get left behind #it feels so unfair and so painful... there are so many more aspects to it though as well #like people who are left behind in other ways due to circumstance or class or race or etc etc- often a combination of those factors #and obito as a kid reminds me a lot of a good friend i had when i was little who was late to class every day #because of those outside circumstances #and again someone in high school who i was late WITH every day. because ya #and i feel very big about that. and about rins death as something so fucking preventable #the tragedy also of baby teacher minato who was so so not ready to be in charge of anyone. but. that's something else #anyway i guess i just really feel a connection with that anger and despair #sorru was watching niji and felt fucking insane about it #obito and rin are like two sides of one thing. maybe of one person. of one concept #part of why i'm so so crazy about obito being trans is because i see him as also using rin's memory as a conduit for #his anger and grief about his own lost younger self. hence: baby obito is also a little girl #i think they are best friends. its so important. idk none of this is wider narrative meta #its just my feelings about them in particular #haunting dead girl and the ghost who has to carry on and can't rest

[gncbozo]

Old stone AU

Ok so I think I've just made a new hollow knight AU featuring two of my favorite caracteres in this game.

Tw : mention of dead body, scar and blood

Here's the lore :

One very mundane/normal day, the little Ghost of Hallownest brings yet another relic to Lemm, but the raggedy old thing that the small vessel is dragging behind them is the dead body of the pale king himself !!!

The specter is very VERY pushy about Lemm taking in the "relic"(... rotting body................ dead god) in exchange of an INSANE amount of geo, Ghost , how has just ascended as lord of shades, does not hesitate to pressure the shop keeper a LITTLE more.

And so Lemm accept and finds himself with a rotten wyrm on his conter, although this is a macabre situation, analyzing the king might be the answer to all of his questions (why did the king leave hallownest ? Was he sick like some journal depicted him to be ? Was he really made of pale Ore ?...) but the relic seeker is not a necromancer therefore he can not make the dead talk ,plus ,Lemm still has respect for the dead ( and he doesn't want his house to smell like death ) so he decides it would be for the best to bury the pale king.

The seeker puts the decading wyrm in a corner of his shop a sets off for the resting ground.

Once he found a nice spot to dig the grave he returns to his house only to find the body gone ,no sign of the king, no trace of the wyrm.

Lemm looks everywhere but he can not find his posession, at first he is convinced that Ghost has taken the body back for what ever reson (the little shit better not have, he paid good money to have this unwanted gift) but this accusation is quickly shooded off when he hears the sound of wobbly steps and faint scratches at his door...

When the relic seeker pokes his head out of his chambers, he is met with a vision of horror, the (should be dead) king of Hallownest is standing on shaky legs bleeding black blood (witch only exaggerate the massive crack on his mask ) on the floor of his shop.

The two stares at the other for a stupid amount of time, and it takes an even stupider amount of time for Lemm to tell the king that "it would be better if he sitted back down so he can patch up the terrible wounds on the god's body."

The King/Wyrm with nowhere to go, no will to live, and no purpose to serve, very silently, accept.

Now that the dead can talk ; Will Lemm really want to know ALL of this graveyard's history? Will the king tell NOTHING but the truth?

And more importantly, shall they ONLY talk about the past ?

I'm not sure if this Au is allready similar to others Au or if it allready exist, if yes please redirect me to them.

#hollow knight #hollow knight au #Old stone AU #relic seeker lemm #ghost hk #hk pale king #hk lemm #Lemm : omg his majesty the pale king himself is in my work shop I'm so blessed #Also Lemm : this man is the most fucked bitch alive wtf ??!?? #Ghost : GIVE ME THE MONEY 🙌 #PK : .........................WTF............................... #nerdy historian and hopeless engineer at etch other throat

[crimeronan]

wow that latest silt verses episode. i've listened to it twice so far and i feel like there's Some essay meta connection i want to make about terminal illness and tragedy and losing people to the mundane even when you have the power of gods at your fingertips and when you've tried so hard and done everything Right..... but i don't know how to fathom it into words. maybe with another listen or two i could post coherently about it but for now just. waow. hey. what the fuck.

#i feel like i can't say anything that isn't already in the episode. the hopelessness the helplessness the fucking awfulness.... #in funnier (RELATIVELY) news i'm just so pleased that like #pretty much the second that rane got the phone call in the beginning i was like. oh. faulkner's going to kill himself #and then as the episode progressed i was like WOW. FAULKNER IS GOING TO KILL HIMSEEEELLLFFFF #take the boy's dumbass decisions and misery to its logical conclusion. thank GOD. (he's fine tho he survived.) #(for anyone who hasnt listened yet and is alarmed by those tags.) #i gotta read the transcript for this one. sometimes the script notes have secrets (telling u what all the sound effects were and what #characters are thinking. and/or what's real) #good show. what the fuck though. good lord #the silt verses #the silt verses spoilers #suicide #for the tags #medical #autoimmune tag #<-only very very VERY tangentially but like. yeag

[criscura]

I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.

I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.

It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.

I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....

#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness #I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal #but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself #for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today #it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself #trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations #and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days #and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message' #and just. again #to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months #it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me #is constantly doing #and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships #which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them #when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4 #and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself #but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more #i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it #i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long #but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying #and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs #are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad #that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating #it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years