When you are forgotten or neglected or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ-that is dying to self.
When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take all in patient loving silence-that is dying to self.
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance, when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it-that is dying to self.
When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the will of God-that is dying to self.
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown-that is dying to self.
When you see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances-that is dying to self.
When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart-that is dying to self.
(Bill Britton, “Dethrone the King: Dying to Self,” The Heartbeat of the Remnant, July/August, 2002, 19)
0 notes
Icarus
Jim remembers why he started drinking in the first place.
~ A/N: Feel free to read the previous chapters if you haven’t already, you can find them here.
Word Count: 2.7k
Warnings: angst, alcohol use, swearing
"No, you don’t understand.” Jim huffed while the staff member spoke over him.
”Sir, I do but–”
“She’s not coming and I’m not taking anyone else. Why can’t I just return the ticket?!”
He gripped the phone in his hand.
“Because the tickets were purchased on a special deal,”
Jim let out a frustrated sigh “Where’s the manager? I wanna speak to your manager.”
“Of course.”
The line went silent for a moment before a somewhat sincere voice answered the phone.
“Hi, how can I help you?”
Jim found himself rambling without taking a moment’s breath.
He was oblivious at the manager’s attempts to interject.
It wasn’t until he’d felt his heart beating in his ears that he stopped talking. The manager droned on but Jim wasn’t listening. His vision blurred as he stared at the popcorn ceiling of his apartment.
“Does that sound like something you’re interested in?”
His eyes lingered on the ceiling “What?”
“A free flight on us. It would be a one-way flight within 300 miles of the airport here in New York.”
He took a deep inhale through his nose until he felt like his stomach would pop his belt.
“Sure.” He exhaled and hung onto the phone loosely.
“I’ll take care of the details and send that right over to you, sir. Is the email on file a good one to reach you at?”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine.” The corners of his eyes stung.
“Great. Again, I do apologize for the inconvenience.”
A half-hearted chuckle escaped from Jim’s dry lips, “We all do.”
He bit the tip of his tongue and ended the call.
The corners of his eyes had stopped stinging but his heart was still beating in his ears. He glanced out of his window as he tried to steady his breath. There was a sea of skyscrapers where there should have been trees.
The stale air of his apartment was starting to get to him. After a moment, he grabbed his coat and headed for the door.
As his shoes squeaked on the linoleum floor, he heard Ms. Britton’s voice down the hall. He ducked his head and sprinted past the rent office towards the double doors that led out onto the street.
People buzzed about up and down the sidewalk. Jim joined the crowd. He wasn’t sure where he was going at first. He made a stop at a nearby bodega since he was parched. Although his hands grabbed the Arizona can, his eyes landed on the alcohol nearby.
Jim sat on the grass with a huff.
“Sorry I'm late."
He set down the can and looked at his parents' headstones.
His eyes studied their epitaphs, “loving husband and father”, and “loving wife and mother”.
“I tried,” he admitted to himself, “I really did.” He brought his hands to his face and thought of where it all went wrong.
August 8th, 2005
He was sitting across from the manager of the company, regretfully laughing at something he'd said.
Jim cleared his throat then rubbed his hand over his knee “About the numbers–,”
“Ah,” the man dismissed the thought with his hands “I don’t need the details.”
Jim frowned and nodded his head.
“Just tell me, are we good?”
He nodded “Yes, sir. I just thought you’d want to hear the stats.”
“Who gives a shit,” the man stood to his feet and looked out at the city skyline from his window. The glass spanned the wall from the floor to the ceiling. It nearly resembled a glass house or prison when Jim thought about it long enough.
“As long as it’s enough to keep the missus happy,” he chuckled as he looked over his shoulder at the young man before him.
“Y’know what she told me the other day?”
Jim stared at the man for a brief moment then shook his head.
“She wants plastic surgery,” he laughed until he leaned back. “Botox or a face lift or whatever the hell it is their doing these days.”
Jim readjusted himself in his seat then tugged at the sleeves of his shirt while the man’s back was still turned.
“It’s just pathetic. I mean,” he turned around to a flush faced Jim.
“Sure, I do things to feel young again but nothing like that. Half of those women end up looking like the Joker! Those smiles plastered on their faces like a damn clown.”
A cherry red spread across Jim’s cheeks.
“I'm sure you married her for a good reason.” His voice sounded frail and it made him bite his tongue.
Jim’s eyes scanned the oak desk for a framed picture of the boss’s better half but he only saw a trophy, some folders, a plaque, and a framed picture of him shaking another man’s hand. He clenched his jaw as he slid his hands into his pockets and stood to his feet.
The man faced the window “Sure.”
Jim turned on his heels and let out a soft exhale as he headed for the door.
“Cole?”
He turned around at once, ears perked up and reluctantly ready to hear whatever vulgar insight his boss had to offer.
“You got a girl?”
“... no.”
His boss faced him with a soft smile “Good, keep it that way.” He sat in his oversized office chair “See you at the 10th annual?”
Jim nodded and once his boss finally dismissed him, he let out the breath he’d been holding in. He could feel the heat creeping from his neck to his ears.
Office parties at the company were fun, if you looked past the hierarchy and tackiness of it all; but Jim chose not to.
His conversation with the boss from earlier that week weighed heavy on his mind. He downed his glass of bourbon. How could he talk about his wife like that? Jim flagged down the bartender to pour him another and he did.
They’d been married for nearly three decades. That was almost Jim’s entire life!
He motioned for the bartender to come back.
“I just poured you–”
Jim finished the glass in front of him then locked eyes with the bartender.
“Alrighty, then” the man uttered to himself as he poured Jim another glass.
He looked out at the crowd of people before him; a mass of coworkers, family and friends.
“I take it you’re not a fan of these things?” The bartender watched Jim with a steady eye.
“Absolutely not.” He brought the glass to his lips.
The bartender nodded his head, “Why not just leave?”
“Mandatory,” Jim threw the amber liquid to the back of his throat “there’s team building and stuff.”
He set the glass onto the counter and chuckled, then wiped his eyes with his hands as he silently swore.
“I remember when I first got this job. I was so excited, y’know? I mean, here I am: a college graduate, wide-eyed and ready to take it on ... I worked my ass off. Unpaid internships, volunteer work, approaching business execs at the gym. I didn’t give a shit if they were lifting’ weights or whatever.”
He rested his head in his hand “I did all that and I got this and thought I finally made it,” he studied the crowd of people again and felt a dullness in his chest.
“Alright,” he wiped his eyes “gimme another one.”
The bartender shook his head and snatched the nearby bottle from the counter.
“You can have water.”
Jim reached across the counter and grabbed a bottle before blending into the crowd. The bartender shouted and attempted to follow Jim but lost him.
Jim snickered as he hid in a nearby stairwell. His laughter bounced off the walls and echoed back to him.
“Hello! Hello!” He shouted then made a funny face at the echo. “Did I say ‘hello’ or ‘hollow’?” He chuckled “I shouldn’tve drank before I got here… hello, hollow!” His smile shrunk as he heard his voice speak back to him.
After a moment, he decided to take the elevator to the top floor. When he stepped onto the elevator, he leaned against the cold metal wall and closed his eyes as the door shut. The sudden sound of heels click-clacking on the ground made his eyes open wide.
A woman smiled softly at him as she walked in.
“Hollow,” Jim smiled at his slip-up “I mean, hello.”
She only nodded.
The elevator door shut and she glanced at the highlighted button Jim pressed moments ago. They shared a brief glance and watched the numbers ascend to their corresponding destination, the only one being the top.
“Are you going to the top floor as well?” She looked at Jim.
He brushed back his hair “I want to see the sky.”
“You can do that from the lobby, y’know?”
He chuckled.
She noticed the work bag hanging off his shoulder and saw a glass bottle poking out. When she walked in, she knew he was drunk but the sight of the bottle made her frown some. Perhaps because he seemed innocent in a way. The world hadn’t completely rotted his heart. There was still a morsel beating in him deep down inside.
“Y’know they’re starting a team exercise soon.”
Jim stared at his blurry reflection in the gold metal wall across from him.
“I know.”
The two stood in silence for another moment.
“Why are you going to the top floor?” He looked over at her, and he focused on her.
How her dark copper hair was pulled back into one of those hair dos like his mother, except where she had a head full of gray this woman only had a few strands. A few wrinkles by her brown eyes and although she was wearing makeup, you could see traces of her laugh lines.
“I want to see the sky.” Hearing his answer repeated back to him made him chuckle.
The two of them looked over at the night sky and jungle of iron skyscrapers. The woman pulled a cigarette out of her purse and lit the end. He furrowed his brows as he racked his brain to place her face in business meetings.
“Do you work here?” He slowly walked towards the ledge.
She took a drag of her cigarette “Something like that.”
He chuckled dryly then peered over the edge before taking a few steps back.
“How long you been working here?”
Jim glanced at her through droopy lids “Too long.”
“How long is too long?” She took another drag of her cigarette.
“A few years, about three or four.”
He stood by her side now.
“Hm,” she extended her cigarette to him and he shook his head.
“I don’t smoke.”
“You just drink then?”
He nodded “I’m afraid that’s my only poison.”
The woman chuckled and brought the cigarette back to her lips.
“You live in the Big Apple and alcohol is your only poison?” She snickered and blew a cloud of smoke to the side.
“You ask a lot of questions.” Jim reached for the bottle in his bag then hesitated.
The woman glanced at him “I don’t mind.”
Jim grabbed the bottle then uncapped it.
“Do you like it here?”
“I can’t remember the last time I liked my job” he took a swig from the bottle and the burn felt satisfying.
A sudden sadness flashed across his face as he reminisced on his younger days. When he thought about it, the last time he liked his job he was in middle school. It was what the company would call “under the table” but his uncle would’ve disagreed if he were still alive.
“It’s family!” he’d say.
Jim looked over and saw the woman’s mouth moving although he didn’t catch what she said.
“What?”
“I asked what’s the problem?”
“The boss for one. You should hear the way he talks about his wife.” he took another swig “or women in general.”
She peered out at the skyline and nodded as he wiped his lips.
“Y’know he doesn’t even have a picture of her in his office?”
“Is that so?” she inquired dryly.
He inhaled the night air, “It’s quite sad” he said softly.
She snuffed out her cigarette “Indeed.”
The two stood in silence for a moment admiring the sky.
“What does he say about his wife?”
“Uh,” he wiped his nose with his sleeve “it’s best I don’t say… no one should hear that.” he chuckled at the realization “ Actually, he should have never said that!”
The corners of her lip turned up as she faced forward “It’s not your fault he’s that way.”
He sighed “I feel sorry for the woman who married him though.”
“I’m sure she knew what she was getting into.”
Jim grunted softly to himself then frowned, as he thought of how different his parent’s marriage was from others.
She smiled softly then turned toward the door.
“Leaving already?”
“There’s somewhere else I have to be.”
She left him with his thoughts.
After standing alone for a few minutes, he grew uneasy and headed back inside. Without thinking, he meandered to his boss’s office.
When he walked in, he flicked on the lights and immediately noticed how different the desk was. He had a golden framed picture on his desk. It was no longer the picture of him doting on his fellow man but one of his wife.
Jim’s face grew pale as his eyes recognized the salt streaks in between copper strands. Her soft smile and brown eyes. The woman from the elevator.
He’d felt a pit in his stomach and leaned onto the desk for support. A dry chuckle escaped from his lips. Then he felt like crying. He took a deep breath and wiped his nose before leaving the office.
With each step down the empty hall to the common room, he’d felt like he was somewhere in between. The rest of the night was a blur. It felt like a fever dream as he stood by watching everyone laugh and flaunt smiles. His drunken eyes landed on her again.
The woman from the elevator stood nearby as her husband, if you’d even call him that, gave a speech.
To this day, he still remembered the subdued smile she flashed at him when his boss properly introduced them. He hoped the alcohol would’ve killed that memory. To make matters worse, the memory of the chaotic state of the office the next day clung to the corners of his mind. The cardboard boxes at everyone’s desk, the flurry of papers being tossed to and fro, mainly his boss’s thundering tone when he walked into the office.
“You sonuvabitch!”
Jim’s tongue felt fat in his mouth. HIs half lidded eyes went wide at his boss’s booming voice and towering stance.
“When I’m through with you, no one in this city is going to give you a job! You’re done, you hear me! Done!”
Sick at the sight of him, the man pushed Jim so hard he fell back. A few moments later, some men in suits walked in accompanying the boss’s soon-to-be ex-wife.
He decided not to stick around for the show. There wasn’t a need to pack his desk since he was never the person to have their life on display. While the two bickered behind the glass wall, Jim snatched the one picture he had of his family from his desk then sauntered out of the office.
The bustle of the street was white noise to him. With each step away from the building, he felt heavy and out of place. His neck was scorching… maybe it was the tie. It started to feel like a noose. Jim’s fingers loosened it and he sat down on the corner with a sigh.
He rested his head in his hands then felt his heart thump in his throat at the realization of it all. The sound of jangling is what brought him back to reality. When he searched for it, he realized he was sitting next to a homeless person who was shaking a cup for passersby to drop in change.
He scoffed to himself then looked up at the building across the street.. Or maybe he was looking for God. Either way, he couldn’t stomach the sight of her name on the building, so he avoided that route ever since.
“Maybe a few days out of this place will do me some good,” he sniffled as he looked at the gray stones in front of him. The longer he looked at it, the tighter his throat felt. He finally decided to cry and sobbed into his hands.
Author's Note: I'm hoping to end this series around mid 2024 so I can work on some other things. Fanfiction really flourishes on tumblr so, we'll see what happens with this here.
<- Previous Chapter | Next Chapter (WIP) ->
0 notes
Interview: Amie K
Tell us a little about how you got started making music. Who are your musical influences?
I’ve had a love of words and poetry from quite a young age and I was brought up in a very musical household. We are all involved in music in some shape or form. It’s strange because I learnt piano when I was like 7 and did lessons and grades and all of that but I picked up an old guitar when I was about 14 and had no idea how to play it but just started noodling around on it writing little songs and it all went from there. Currently my biggest musical influence is definitely Maggie Rogers, I adore her and her sound. I get a lot from Him and Bears Den as well but I think that a lot of my song structuring and writing comes from the music played in the house when I was young, so Bruce Springsteen and K.D Lang and Sting, people like that.
Your style of pop is something I haven’t heard much of on the scene! Are there any artists similar to you on the scene who you might be on a line-up with?
I feel like maybe I’m treading a sort of Katie Nicholas type of vibe but maybe a bit more conventionally pop if that makes sense? I find that I’m always caught between super poppy catchy stuff but then really loving more intricate and poetic lyrics. Evie Wright is getting started on the Liverpool scene and I love playing with her, she’s a great songwriter.
I actually love playing on line ups where there’s quite a variety between acts. Some of my best gigs in Liverpool have been supporting the Green Tangerines who couldn’t be less acoustic folk pop!
What was your experience getting gigs like?
Well I started out in the Bristol scene when I was like 17 I think. I was so lucky to find a community in Box, near Bath which is the most supportive group of creative people, so they really helped me a lot. In Liverpool, but in all places, my favourite way of getting to know the scene is just to go to all the open mic you can, and we’re lucky to have so many great ones in Liverpool. Studio2 is bar far and away my favourite venue to play, but I love Phase One and Handymans out on Smithdown.
How do you find being self-produced?
Well my last EP ‘Reflections’ was super collaborative. I worked with Guy Britton a producer from home in Wiltshire and it was just really creative and exciting to work with him. We did a lot of really fun stuff with loops and samples which is something I hadn’t worked with before so I found that to be really exciting.
I also have a duo project called Spirit. Myself and Joe write the songs together and he actually played on ‘Johns Song’ which is on the EP.
I find collaboration to be a really important part of my process.
What are you up to at the moment in terms of gigs and releases?
Got a gig coming up on the 22nd of March which I am super excited about. It’ll be with my duo and we’ll be playing a co-headline at Handyman’s on Smithdown. It is extra exciting as Becky Lawrence will be coming up to play it as well. She’s a fantastic country singer from the South West so it is set to be a really great night of music.
I am working to get a release out early 2020, but unsure of the exact date yet so I’ll keep you posted on that. To be honest I had a really bad time with writers block in 2019 which thankfully has cleared off now so I am excited to get back to writing and recording!
What makes the Liverpool music scene stand out for you?
The sheer genuine friendliness of it. That has really stood out for me.
Do you notice many women on the scene; not just musicians but technicians, promoters and so on?
There’s definitely amazing female musicians but I don’t know that I know any technicians which is kinda sad. Nikki Mills is a force to be reckoned with, she’d put me on a few shows and I have really enjoyed everything about them; the lineup, the venues and the general vibe that she curates.
What’s the best live music to see in Liverpool at the moment?
Green Tangerines are amazing! Lots of love to them, they are super talented.
Who are you listening to this week?
Always and forever by Maggie Rogers.
1 note
·
View note