#besides bridgeport was getting to the point that it was hard for me to get him to celebrity 5 because everyone are basically elders | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nikatyler · 5 months

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🌈 2023 ✨

Another year is over so it's time for a look back at what was happening on this blog! I haven't really been around, it was just my queue, and maybe that's one reason why I looked at my archive and went "huh" at everything. I don't remember much. The other reason why this year probably went poof in my head is because I was dealing with some mental health stuff lol. I say lol but it wasn't actually very lol but I'm doing better now and 2024...is looking promising for now.

So, let's talk more under the cut, shall we?

January

We're in Bridgeport and Sawyer is living his best life. You know, girlfriends, boyfriends, being turned into a vampire, giving birth to three little vampires, threatening to sell his enemies' organs on the black market...best life indeed.

February

Okay I am now seeing that "talking more" about every month will be impossible since I actually don't have much recollection of 2023 lmao

March

Sawyer and Erin are at the best point of their relationship, but we left them alone for a bit and went back to NSB. Pastel just moved to Strangerville and got a...rather strange roommate.

April

The rather strange roommate becomes Pastel's rather strange wife. I love these two so much. We also say hello to Moss -- and also to Ross, who returns from...god knows where. I mean yeah, there was the ts3 Ross, but technically they're two different people. Parallel universes and stuff.

May

Thea is born and strange wife Jesse gets even stranger. That whole "merging with the mother plant" thing was kinda weird but I really enjoyed it. Idk what I was on but it was fun. And then, before returning to the lepacy, I posted my Cottage Living screenshots! ...which were really just me going "uwu what does this do" on every possible Wicked Whims option.

June

...and I went from posting weird WW Ross stuff to posting wholesome Growing Together Ross stuff. If that gave you a whiplash, I am sorry, but imagine what it must be like for me. I'm locked with this guy in my head 24/7. He's the whiplash king. A blorbo to you, a curse to me. A beloved curse tho. Ok I'm getting weird. Back to the lepacy.

July

Lepacy time! Loved the soap opera Generations gen. Kinda wish I had sticked to some of the storylines instead of going "eh nvm I just wanna play". I'm not saying I regret not actually letting Saywer go on a killing spree but also...imagine if he went on a killing spree. You don't see that in lepacies often do ya

August

August was...welp 💀 I was at the grippy socks hospital for most of that month, 10/10 would recommend, but my queue ran out while I was there so I just reblogged some old stuff for a few weeks.

September

September is just lepacy month. Cornelia and Archer are happy, they get married, they get more children...yeah. Good wholesome Generations times all around. It's not like they're gonna get divorced later or anything.

October

The twins are kind of chaotic, one of them turns into a ghost, both then bring their cursed imaginary friends to life...and the final child of Archer and Cornelia is born.

November

I loved running into Sawyer at the grocery store all the time. Weird vampire alleged killer grandpa behavior suits him. Dorothea goes away to a boarding school, hates it there and instantly comes back. Relatable. Oh and midlife crisis hits Archer hard.

December

And we're in December! Dorothea enters her horsegirl era and finds herself a girlfriend...and we'll continue that in 2024!

What's in store for the new year besides the lepacy? Well, Not So Berry will be making a return (and HOPEFULLY we'll finally get to the end. we need to). There's a story I want to do in the NSB universe, if you know you know. Before we dive into the next lepacy generation, I'm thinking of another BC with the gen 7 heir...oh and Marika's Black Widow. Shoot and I'm starting an irl job in January. Yeah no we're not doing all this in 2024, don't count on it 💀 But I'll try.

Happy New Year! 🎇

#ts3 #ts4 #sims 3 #sims 4 #the sims 3 #the sims 4 #sims #simblr #fleur extra #breeze nsb legacy extra

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wannabecatwriter · 3 years

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Several hours later, the couple returned home and Sylvia started cooking for the teenagers.

“This was an interesting experience,” Barron decided, joining her in the kitchen. “Never expected those two to show up.”

“Tell me about it,” Sylvia muttered. “Talk about a blast from the past!”

“You really knew this guy?” he asked.

“Knew him? I remember doing shots with him at Waylon’s, back in the day! Of course, that was before I figured out he was a hound,” she chuckled. “So weird. The supernatural was right under my nose this whole time and I literally looked the other way!”

“Yeah…” Barron couldn’t help but be curious. “So, you and him. Were you ever a thing?”

“Ugh! What?! Please, I don’t sleep with narks,” she took out her disgust by chopping the onions extra hard. “Besides, I’m pretty sure he and Lea were already a thing back then, if they have a daughter Dahlia’s age. But yuck, now I need to get that image out of my head. Nope, no thanks.”

“Wow, ok, chill, I was just curious,” he laughed. “Do you think they’re legit? Like, they’re really trying to bring down the coven?”

“They might as well be,” she shrugged. “But if they’re serious about it, they better put their money where their mouth is and help with the efforts. Otherwise - hit the road, vamps. I’ll be civil as long as I have to, but Vlad and I are not friends by a long shot.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know. If his actions made you scram from Bridgeport back then, then didn’t he literally contribute to our family existing?” Barron pointed out. “Maybe I should thank him.”

“Well, he did cause me to run from Bridgeport…” Sylvia grudgingly admitted. “The rest, he had no hand in. Like I said, I’ll be civil.”

#Sims3 #Barron and Sylvia #Barron Aramis #Sylvia Sidheins #Sim Stories #Witchy Days BC

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noona-clock · 4 years

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Indefinitely - Part 6

Genre: Dystopia!AU

Pairing: Jaebum x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 | Words: 3,099

Out of all the nights in the past month, you had never wanted to be able to fall asleep more than you had last night.

After falling and scraping your knee, pretty much all of your negative emotions had risen to the surface, and you’d had just a bit of a mental breakdown. You’d almost given up entirely... and if it hadn’t been for Jaebum, you probably would have.

No, not even ‘probably.’ You definitely would have. If he hadn’t been there to remind you why you were here, remind you that you weren’t alone, remind you that you did, indeed, have the strength to carry on... you wouldn’t have been able to remember it. Any of it.

And, boy, were you embarrassed.

If Jaebum had any weaknesses, you had yet to find them. But now he knew all of yours. He knew that something as tiny as a skinned knee could break you.

And yet... he had been surprisingly... nice to you last night. He’d been perfectly supportive and encouraging. He hadn’t let you continue to feel bad about yourself, but he also hadn’t told you to stop crying. He’d been firm but still... caring.

What had happened to him?

When you’d been crying in his car just over a month ago, he had asked you -- in no uncertain terms -- to try and keep it down.

Yeah, but, he had also given you a bandana to use as a tissue.

You still had that, by the way. You’d actually gotten it out last night after you’d heard Jaebum and Youngjae’s deep, even breathing. Up until now, you had used it as a handkerchief, but last night it had been more of a security blanket type thing. You’d clutched it in your hand, gathering up the fabric in your fingers and keeping it close to you.

Which... was kind of weird now that you thought about it.

Your eyes darted over to Jaebum’s bench, and when you saw he was still sleeping, you stealthily stuffed the bandana back into your bag.

While you were in your bag, you went ahead and took out the Atlas to get a start on mapping out your route for the day. You wanted to get as many miles covered as possible today so the three of you wouldn’t have to live like nomads for too long.

Since you were able to walk twelve miles during the second half of the day yesterday, you figured you should be able to walk twenty-five on a full day. Twelve and a half before lunch and twelve and a half after lunch. ...If you could find lunch, that is.

You carefully measured out twenty-five miles, seeing there was a town almost exactly that distance away: Bridgeport. Ten miles before Bridgeport was Twinbrook, so you would have to leave pretty soon and walk as quickly as your skinned knee would allow.

“Where are we headed today?” Jaebum asked groggily, and the sudden noise in the otherwise silent park made you jump and let out a soft gasp.

Your gaze snapped over to Jaebum’s bench, and he... he was actually kind of smiling at your reaction. “Sorry,” he mumbled with a quiet chuckle. “I didn’t realize you were concentrating so hard.”

“Oh,” you breathed, trying to force a smile onto your own lips. “No, it’s okay. Um... I think we should try to get to a place called Twinbrook that’s about fifteen miles from here, and then... Bridgeport for the night, ten miles past that.”

“Twenty-five miles,” Jaebum replied with a low whistle as he sat up and swung his legs over the bench. “How’s your knee feeling?”

“I can do it,” you assured him, keeping your gaze focused on the map.

Jaebum didn’t answer right away, but you heard him let out a soft, breathy laugh. And then he said, “I didn’t ask if you could do it. I just want to know if it still hurts.”

Your cheeks almost immediately warmed. ...He was checking up on your injury? You figured he didn’t want to have to help you or carry you on his back for twenty-five miles, so asking how your knee was feeling had been his way of backhandedly asking if you would be able to walk twenty-five miles.

“It’s... it’s not too bad,” you murmured.

“Did you get any sleep?”

...Okay, what was with him? First, he was asking how your knee felt. Now, he was asking if you got any sleep? He’d literally never asked you about your sleeping patterns before.

“Uh... maybe a little,” you shrugged. And then you asked hesitantly, “...How about you?”

“Probably a few hours,” he answered as he stood up and began to roll up his blanket. “I’m going to head to that gas station down the road to see if there’s any food. Try to have Youngjae awake before I get back?”

You simply let out a scoff, your lips tugging into a smirk. “Yeah, I’ll try,” you said with plenty of sarcasm.

Jaebum simply smiled and shook his head.

Your eyes followed him as he walked toward the main road, and as soon as you were sure he was out of earshot... you scrambled off of your bench and over to Youngjae’s.

“Youngjae,” you hissed, crouching down by his head even though it hurt your knee to do it. “Youngjae, wake up! Wake up!”

“What?” he mumbled, though he kept his eyes closed.

“Jaebum is acting weird,” you told him with a very clear tone of distress.

Youngjae’s brow furrowed softly. “What do you mean weird? Is he sick?”

“I don’t think so, but he’s... he’s just... he’s, like, asking me things.”

“What kind of things?” he sighed sleepily.

“He asked how my knee was feeling and if I got any sleep last night.”

Youngjae was silent for a few moments before he replied with, “So?”

“So? He’s never asked me if I’ve gotten any sleep before!”

“I think... did you also hit your head when you fell yesterday?”

The corners of your lips turned down into a frown, and you reached out to swat Youngjae’s shoulder.

“Hey!” he cried, finally opening his eyes. “You’re just being weird!”

“I’m not the one being weird,” you retorted. “He is!”

“He is not. He’s being a good friend?” Youngjae pointed out as if it should be super obvious.

You stared at Youngjae for a second, blinking in confusion. And then you said, “So... he thinks of me as a friend? Do you really think so?”

Youngjae opened his mouth to reply... but then he closed it. You could tell there was something he wanted to say, and he was merely settling when he said, “Yes, I do really think so.”

“Will you walk with me today?” you asked, your forehead wrinkling. “Please?”

“Well, yeah. But why?”

“Because Jaebum is making me nervous.”

The tiniest of smirks pulled at Youngjae’s lips, but he didn’t say anything.

“Also, you have to be up by the time he gets back from the gas station,” you added. “So, you’d better just get up now.”

Youngjae’s smirk disappeared immediately, and he let out a tired groan.

“Yeah, I know,” you sighed. “But come on. We’ve got a long way to go today.”

By the time Jaebum returned in about twenty minutes, both you and Youngjae had your backpacks on and were ready to go. Jaebum handed each of you a stick of beef jerky and a packet of peanut butter crackers, assuring you he had stocked up for lunch and dinner, too.

“We all ready to go?” he murmured as he unzipped his backpack and dumped the rest of the food inside.

“Yep!” you replied with a proud smile. “Ready to walk fifteen miles.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows raised slightly, and he shot you an impressed look.

“What? You asked me to be ready by the time you got back, and we are! I’m not totally useless, you know,” you replied with a hint of teasing in your voice.

“I never said you were useless,” Jaebum noted, shaking his head and sliding his backpack onto his shoulders.

“Yeah, you’re totally the opposite of useless,” Youngjae assured you. He nudged your shoulder as Jaebum headed back to the main road, and you nudged his back as you fell into step beside him.

The nice thing about Jaebum was that he really didn’t mind being on his own. He didn’t find it strange or question it when you stayed behind him with Youngjae. He never turned around to ask what you guys were talking about, so you knew you could ask Youngjae a question that had been on your mind for a month now.

“Do you remember that first night we were at your house, and I cooked spaghetti, and you and Jaebum did the dishes?” you asked, still making sure to keep your voice quiet so Jaebum wouldn’t hear.

“Yeah...” Youngjae answered.

“...What were you guys talking about at the sink?”

The expression on Youngjae’s face morphed to one which clearly said, ‘Seriously? You remember that?’

“I asked Jaebum that night, but he just said ‘nothing’! And he was really crabby about it, so obviously, I’m going to be curious,” you retorted.

Youngjae let out a soft sigh, his brow furrowing as he shot a glance up at Jaebum. “Well, I mean... if he didn’t tell you, doesn’t that mean he doesn’t want you to know?”

“Just tell me,” you whined quietly. You’d been thinking about it for a month, and you weren’t sure you would ever get the nerve to ask Jaebum again.

With a tiny, relenting roll of his eyes, Youngjae said, “Okay, fine. He just... he kind of... warned me?”

“...Warned you?” you asked, your head jerking back slightly in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he said that you were really fragile right now, and he told me not to ask too many questions just yet.”

You narrowed your eyes over at him. “But... you did. That very night.”

“Yeah,” Youngjae shrugged. “But he wasn’t in the room.”

“What else did he say?”

“He told me he was fine with me joining you guys, but if I did or said anything to ‘upset the balance,’” Youngjae continued, lifting his hands so he could do air quotes around those words. “Then he wouldn’t hesitate to leave me behind.”

“The balance?” you asked in a tone of quiet awe. “What is he talking about?”

“I, uh... I think he just meant you. If I did anything to upset you, then I was out.”

You truly almost scoffed. “Me? Why would he mean me? Why would he care if you upset me?”

Youngjae just pressed his lips together and shrugged.

I mean, maybe now you could believe it since it seemed like the two of you were actually becoming friends... but back then? He had barely tolerated you back then. Why would he have cared if Youngjae upset you?

“He really said I was fragile?” you asked.

Youngjae nodded and hummed positively.

...Why had he been looking out for you back then? And not only that, he had been looking out for you behind your back. Not even to your face.

First, Jaebum had given you that pep talk after your breakdown yesterday. Then, he had actually responded to your goodnight wish. Now, you found out he had warned Youngjae about upsetting you all those weeks ago?

‘Confused’ didn’t even begin to describe what you were feeling right now.

The three of you stopped in Twinbrook for about an hour to rest and eat some more beef jerky and crackers, and the information Youngjae had loaded on you kept you quiet for basically the whole hour.

Okay, for basically the whole rest of the day.

By the time you reached Bridgeport after sunset, you could probably count the number of sentences you’d spoken on one hand. Maybe two.

Thankfully, Bridgeport seemed to have been a much more bustling town than Brindleton Springs because there was a strip mall right off the highway. Jaebum led you and Youngjae there, and when you got close enough, you saw it housed a gym as well as a mattress store.

“Looks like we found a place to shower and sleep tonight,” Youngjae called out with a grin.

It would be a cold shower, that much was certain, but a cold shower was better than no shower.

Jaebum got two wrapped bars of soap from his backpack, throwing one to you and nodding toward Youngjae as you all headed over to the gym.

Unsurprisingly, being in the women’s locker room all by yourself was just a little... creepy. So, you showered as quickly as you could, trying not to close your eyes even though it was already dark in there. You just didn’t want it to be that dark. Not when you were completely alone.

You were still the last one out, though, but only Youngjae was waiting for you by the gym’s front door.

“Jaebum went to the mattress store to make sure it’s okay to sleep in there.”

“Yeah, sure,” you murmured as you wrung out your wet hair with your towel. “He’s probably just avoiding me.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes, suppressing a smirk and opening the door so the two of you could leave. “Yeah, right. Why do you think he hates you?”

“Because he does! I mean, maybe he doesn’t hate me now, but... he always used to.”

Thinking about all the times you’d tried to talk to him when you were neighbors... there was no way he hadn’t hated you. Just no way!

You and Youngjae quickly walked down to the mattress store, and you let out a sigh of relief when Jaebum was already inside with his blanket spread over one of the beds.

“This is perfect,” you announced as you walked in, letting your backpack fall from your shoulders and onto the floor. Even though your knee was still sore from your fall yesterday, you gave in to your urge to run over to one of the empty mattresses and jump onto it face first.

After sleeping on a couch for a month -- and sleeping on a bench last night -- the mattress felt like a literal cloud.

You had jumped onto the mattress next to Jaebum’s, and Youngjae headed over to the mattress on the other side, spreading out his blanket and getting settled for the night.

You really didn’t want to move because you were already so comfortable, but you were still chilled from your cold shower, and you most definitely needed a blanket to sleep with. With a groan, you rolled off the bed and shuffled over to your backpack.

Youngjae was already asleep by the time you got out your blanket, unrolled it over the mattress, and got underneath. To be honest, you didn’t blame him one bit. You were exhausted.

...But, after a few minutes, you realized you were also cold. Was it just from your shower? Or was the temperature lower tonight than it had been last night? Either way, you realized you had been shivering since you’d laid down, and you hadn’t stopped since.

You tried wrapping yourself up in your blanket, but it didn’t do much. You still found you had goosebumps all over your arms and legs.

“Okay, is it freezing in here or is it just me?” you asked loudly enough for Jaebum and Youngjae to hear you.

“It’s not just you,” Jaebum replied.

After a few moments of silence, you called out, “Youngjae!”

“Hmm?”

“Are you cold?”

“No, I’m asleep, shut up.”

...Well. At least, Jaebum had said ‘yes.’

With a sigh, you hugged yourself tighter, hoping you would warm up enough to fall asleep... but then Jaebum’s quiet voice cut through the darkness.

“You can come over here.”

Your eyes shot open, and you almost bolted upright in shock.

“...I’m sorry, what?”

“Two blankets, two bodies. It’ll be warmer.”

...You had no idea what to say to that.

“You don’t have to, I just thought --”

You were cold enough right now that the panic and anxiety of sharing a bed with Jaebum was overshadowed by just how good it sounded. How warm it sounded.

“No, no,” you interrupted him. “I -- Yes. Thank you.”

And, without letting another second go by, you slipped off of your mattress, gathered up your blanket, and tiptoed over to Jaebum.

You had been living in the same house, sleeping in the same room as Jaebum for several weeks now. There had been many times where you’d felt awkward around him.

But none of those times even compared to this.

Just like you had been when you’d cut his hair the other day, you were hyper-aware of every little move, every breath, especially when you laid down next to him.

But... you had to admit. The extra blanket was totally worth it.

“Thanks,” you repeated in a whisper.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied. “Are you... warm enough?”

You nodded, but then you realized he probably couldn’t tell that you’d nodded because it was so dark. So, you whispered, “Yeah. Are you?”

He simply let out a positive hum, and you figured that was the end of that. The two of you would close your eyes and fall asleep and no more needed to be said.

So, imagine your surprise when Jaebum inhaled softly and asked. “Do... you... want me to... hold you?”

You almost choked on the air you were breathing, and images of Jaebum’s arms around you immediately flooded your brain.

“Why -- why would I want you to do that?” you asked hastily, breathlessly.

“You really think I don’t hear you crying yourself to sleep every night?” he murmured.

...Well. To be honest, yes, you did think that. Until now, of course.

As your cheeks began to flame with embarrassment, you rolled over onto your side to face away from Jaebum. “No, I’m okay.”

There were a few moments of awkward silence -- very awkward silence -- before Jaebum spoke again.

“I’m not going to bite.”

“I know,” you whispered. “It’s not that, it’s just -- “

But there was no way you were going to tell him how embarrassed you were. Or how vividly you were imagining him holding you right now. Or... how good those imaginings made you feel.

So, you simply said, “Good night.”

You closed your eyes, not waiting for him to reply out of instinct. Because he hadn’t before (besides last night, but he hadn’t said ‘goodnight’ back, so does that really count?).

“Night,” Jaebum’s soft murmur answered, his low voice reaching your ear and dancing down your spine.

Part 7

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unicornninjabitch · 7 years

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Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™ I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

#personal #tw self hate #tw suicide mention #tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #i think thats it but lmk if you think i should put anything else i dont want anyone being upset #wow that a lot sorry #sorry i had to get some shit off my chest #and i feel bad always complaining to the same people cause i hate ruining their vibe #so heres a shitty life update yall #i think

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