#being fucked up is part of the process

[sivsii]

I sincerely hope every artist gets to have the experience of falling in love with their art someday. even if you have to fight for it. i think we all deserve to look at the result of our creativity all giddy and go holy shit, I loved making this! I love the lines I put down and the colors I used and the indulgences I’ve taken. I love seeing things I liked and taking it for my own, pushing and molding and playing. I can’t wait to do it again

#art stuff #maybe this is just me being all mushy or whatever but GOD #i used to hate my art so fucking much #i used to hate the act of creating so deeply that putting pen to paper knotted up my insides #and I don’t know HOW I grew through that but I did! i genuinely thought it was the end of such an important part of who I am #but it wasn’t! #and now for the last few years I’ve been consistently able to look at my art and feel proud of myself? like holy shit I made this! #i have such good taste! #and there have been times where I’ve hated the process or been dissatisfied with theresult ofc #art is fucking hard #art block and burnout is a bitch #but Ive still been able to look at the sum of my journey and just feel. satisfied. and accomplished #eager for growth but still proud of what I’ve made #idk #we all deserve that someday

[quirkle2]

boy he's rly mobbin all over the place

#qkdraws #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 shigeo #mp100 mob #shigeo kageyama #mob #recently got into mp100 !! finished season 2 a couple days ago and rly liked a couple stills so <3 here they are #gotta hurry up and watch season 3 before my crunchyroll trial ends ....... #anyway i looooooove when he goes insane . aren't u tired of being nice mob don't u wanna go apeshit #he's SO fun to draw #also quick art rant: i had completely different plans for these two pieces but #i made an overlay with a deep blue and fucked around w the modes and it made mob kinda pop outta the pic #and i just went w it ?? thought it looked nice #just goes to show that u should REALLY experiment . dont let ur fear of fucking things up stop u #the beauty of digital art is that there is an undo button . fuck around to ur heart's content and Find Out ! #anyway the most difficult part of this entire process was making the dust not look weird #im just not good at dust i guess VGEYAGV

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I'm piggybacking a bit off of the last ask of asking for writing tips but I have an odd question... Am I the only person that struggles actually PICKING a book? It's the absolute bane of my existence because I feel like I can be so picky... Don't get me wrong, I love being a bookworm, and I'm trying to get back into reading physical books but it's so difficult to find a real taste of what the book is like without being completely spoiled or something... I miss when backs of books had an actual summary and not just NO.1 NEW YORK BESTSELLER!!!! It's so frustrating... I've been trying to get back into it by re-reading fond chapter childhood books read to me (The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane & A Wrinkle In Time). But at the same time I'm also trying to get into more "adult" books that isn't... Well, you try googling "adult books" and see how that goes, I didn't think too hard about what a poor decision THAT was. But I'm working up the courage to read Cat's Cradle right now to start with "Classic Authors" I guess!

Anyway I'm rambling here, I guess my question is... How do you pick out the books you read? I don't really have friends that read many books to recommend to me :')

Thank you in advance, Bog! I hope you get a callback from that interview soon!

no ok actually you've mentioned something that's been bothering me for a while - What The Hell Do Y'all Mea, Books Don't Have Summaries Anymore???? i have not once in my life found a book that didn't have a summary. i was in barnes & noble recently and everything i looked at had a summary. i have literally never seen a book without one in my life of reading & looking at new books on a regular basis

softcovers have theirs on the back. hardcovers are on the inside of the sleeve - lift the cover and it should be printed right there on the inside flap! summaries aren't legally required but both the author and Especially the publisher(s) know that no one's gonna buy a book without a summary. trust me, all books worth reading have a summary. if a book doesn't have one, it's probably not worth your time anyway. you just gotta know where to look!

so my answer to how i choose books... i read the summary lmao. if it seems interesting, ill either write it down to get later or ill get it there and then.

Before the summary though, i look for any titles that jump out at me from the shelf. then i look at the thickness. i like a bit of meat in my literature, so i tend to shy away from thinner books. thicker ones grab my attention more easily. then i look at the cover - if it interests me, then ill read the summary. i don't have specific tastes in title or cover. as long as it makes my brain "hm" thoughtfully, ill take a gander!

and really, if you have access to a bookstore (chain or not, ive found plenty of bangers in tiny used bookshops) or library, the best way to find a book is to physically browse. even if you dont buy anything, you can take pictures of books / write them down to buy online. but going to the store lets you search them out, examine the length, cover, title, summary - and easily put it back on the shelf or keep it. i hate shopping online bc there's ads, you can't examine the product, nothing really stands out since it's all portrayed similarly, there's limited pictures instead of the physical thing, and photos can lie.

plus, everything is (typically) meticulously sorted by genre & age range. when you go into a section with literature aimed at adults, you'll find exactly that instead of smut novels lmao. real life bookstores can be more accurate than online searches. & there's just something so good about walking through shelves, searching for that one book before you know it exists, smelling the paper... yeah...

#like for example i recently bought priory of the orange tree #ive been wanting it for a while and havent read it yet since im finishing something else #BUT! i remember when i first saw it #nothing had gotten my attention for a while #but then i saw the thickest fucking book ive seen in ages - which was automatically very sexy of it #and then the title was unique - priory of the orange tree??? whoah! what the fuck does that mean!!! #so automatically there was the interest of neat title + a new word that i get to learn + the implications of the word now that i understand #and then i picked the book up and it was deliciously heavy - & there was a Dragon on the cover. which. YES PLEASE #then the summary was fascinating!! the book was immediately seared into my brain! im very excited to read it #so thats a highly successful example of my book choosing Process #it checked all of my boxes so it was a win #most books dont check all of my boxes but as long as it hits most of them im down to clown yk yk #but yeah im picky too so! nothing wrong with being picky or having high standards! #rambles from the bog #my shelves are fuckin Full of books ranging from 'it was ok' to 'I WILL RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL WHO WILL LISTEN' #and then i have a drawer filled with books that i just could not care less about / dont like #but dont have the heart to throw away bc. well putting a book in the trash kills a part of my soul #i need to donate them... #but yes! i hope that helps! #and Thank You! i hope i get a callback as well...

[grimfantas]

you can call me heartless all you'd like, but it won't bring her back and it won't help you heal.

#tails the fox #shadow the hedgehog #sonic x #based on a roleplay I had with my partner. who writes an extremely incredible shadow #I write my thoughts here because Sonic X ending has me terribly fucked up #considering how young tails is to be suffering from grief I bet it's especially difficult to handle a kid who has no clue how to process it #who had to make an extremely unfair choice to kill someone he loves. and then to take it out on his big brother #Taking out his anger and insisting on blaming someone for cosmo's death... it's very heartbreaking. #Imagining if Shadow had come back and Tails had not finished grieving yet. there already soooo much anguish #Exploring grief in art is very very fun but there is something so gutwrenching imagining someone so young have to figure out how to deal #with that. younger people often acting out and not realizing how unfair they are until time has passed and not understanding #multi faceted perspectives etc. I know its a bit odd to go crazy about osmething like this over Sonic X but something about Cosmo and Tails #just hit very hard and I care about them very much. tails is huge favorite. i care about him so much #I probably shouldn't dwell on the sad parts of sonic x too much but that last scene tails has with sonic stuck hard #Can't imagine how strained it might feels for the next few months. and Sonic just takes it. Can't even look at Tails or answer him. HMMMM #anyways im done being chatty in tags I will delete my thoughts later as per usual. hehe. Sorry <3 #sonic

[noecoded]

If you could have any Asmo/reader fic what would be the things you would want from it? like an ideal fic would contain what tropes or AUS or situations or whatever

uhmm anything wellwritten that characterizes asmo similar to the way i do ! i rlly like character exploration , both more serious stuff & just sillycute...anything where asmo is a little cunning and toxic and also gets railed into oblivion.anything where hes a vampire. ill write a tag essay about the specifics

#xreaders are too unrelatable for me usually .. im aroace and the only relationship dynamics that r rlly interesting to me r likee #toxic or tumultuous...i think in many asmo fics hes just very one note or like not a complex love interest .which is fine because hes like #that in the game but i am especially drawn to fics where the author has their own kind of unique take on it. nuance. etc #it's really interesting to see situations in which asmo kind of reaps the consequences of shitty behavior or struggles with parts of himsel #f he doesnt like. not just in like ohhh im insecure sobsob but like deeprooted issues & patterns thought processes that come with being a d #demon that maybe clash with human morality or ideals...like what if he sees human lives as generally more disposable because hes lived for #so long?? what would a fic be like about him wanting a fling with a human that ends up taking apart their life but to him its just a fun #little romance without any real consequences or commitment?? even if he was obsessed w them professing his undying love etc etc he could ge #t bored and drop it anytime and outlive them by millions of years and forget...& how does a human love an entity like that? how could the r #relationship look anything close to normal ever...anyway i like fics that touch on questions like this theyre kind of rare though #this all being said i def dont think asmo is completely evil💭 nuance #at work so im literally just wasting time by thinking about this rn but this was like the asmotoni dynamic its too interesting to me #asmotoni is like this in my head but on papwr i just draw them fucking witj bunny ears sorry #this doesnt even answer ur question really. if i could write a fic rn it would be like 200k word emo band au that isnt xreader or a romance #fic it would just be asmo beel belphie as humans starting a band and their rise and fall etc ive been thinking abt that plot nonstop

[cool-jpgs-of-wizards-with-swords]

the worlds bravest little meow meow, against all odds, has survived the routine dental procedure

#in related news i dont have any badly fucked up teeth anymore! #just. gotta get crowns over these goofy things now #i'm like still in the process of getting them fixed but im at the part where i can Bite Without Being Scared Of Breaking A Tooth now

[mueritos]

Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

#muertoresponds #like yea its fun having people u follow and look up to man #does it take a lot of time to be following celebrities #there would be days i would just check up on all my micro celebrities #now i just dont give a fuck #theyre people im people we're people #we're all gonna change and do bad and do good #i dont like holding myself or anyone anymore to these fucked up online standards of looking like good people #idc idc idc #this was def not the answer u prolly wanted but its where im at and thats what i gotta say #have ur micro celebrities if u want but like yea #people r people #and so are u #critiques r valid but u cant hold anyone accountable unless they consent to be held accountable #like being held accountable means u choose to be part of the accountability process #not make a lil 5 min notes app apology and be forgotten about in a week because people find their next target #yadda yadda yadda #these r my thoughts

[orcelito]

As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.

#speculation nation #bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!! #well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol) #but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad. #i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning) #he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay #but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and #thats my dad. Thats my Dad. #im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go #dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone #so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant. #and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one? #take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say. #but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did. #seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him. #makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me #we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad. #sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today. #negative/ #death/ #hospitals ment/ #idfk. sorry

[what-are-even-humans]

So on one hand I got to participate in extubating a patient today but on the other hand I did get an E on my thesis which my advisor told us was "A or maybe B material" and that we were genuinely quite proud of.

#so all in all a Great! and also a Very Bad! day today #studyblr #medblr #isak talks #we called the advisor when we found out and she was absolutely shocked. i was real mad at her at first but now im just hoping #the appeal process will be quick and bring some change. #i mean fuck id honesty rather have an F than an E. at least that way we get to rewrite whatever parts dont actually work. #but seeing as our advisor is shocked too im hoping itll be bumped up cause of the appeal. #also honestly fuck my university for forcing us to change our entire thesis - problem statement and all AFTER the halfway point. #we had already gotten the go ahead! they told us time and time again we wouldn't be penalised for writing about a #relatively rare (but important!) condition. that it was innovative of us to chose a subject where theres been done few high quality studies #and then literally several days after the halfway point they go oh well actually no. you cant do that. #[redacted] university Get Your Shit Together challenge #anyways i love intensive care! pulmonology is great! i made a difference on the ward AND I got to be a part of the extubation team! #which is a great day! (if you ignore my uni being full of shit (as usual)).

[blackbirdblackbird]

#supergirl #lena luthor #katie mcgrath #spgrl s06e15 #*mp #witchy lena my beloved #doing her gay little spells #(she is not very good at magic but she is Trying.) #tbh I like the idea of lena learning magic outside of the context of a big ongoing crisis where she can do her own thing #like maybe still with some kind of external motivation to push her past her initial rejection of magic to actually get into it #but from there learning just for the sake of learning it it #like going through this process of going at scientifically and trying to get to the how and why behind the handwavy bits #progressing quite a bit at that but eventually running into wall #and eventually working out and accepting there's parts that just weird or inexplicable or can't be explained by what she knows now #also like her actually enjoying being bad at it and fucking up #bc there isn't any pressure on her to get it right #and bc she's so used to being the genius and doing things she's an expert at and picking up new stuff quickly #that it's like new and interesting to do something like 'idk it just happens and sometimes it blows up for no reason'

[knowlesian]

okay though, i am sort of dying over the izzy’s like a little kid who feels like his friend was stolen away comment from con as much as i am the he’s too emotionally immature to identify love (and call it such) one.

the love thing is like... i think sometimes when we talk about izzy and love we end up at cross-purposes because we’ve all got a different working definition of love, and i’ve always fallen into the bluest eye camp where love is never any better than the lover; so izzy can love, in his izzy way, and not have it resemble any healthy definition of love on EARTH. 

which is why it’s so perfect he never labels it? izzy doesn’t do any honest introspection! if he did, he wouldn’t be fuckin izzy. so he just feels things, surges and ebbs of something he won’t name. dude’s got this ugly, thorny thicket in his chest, and to reach his own heart he’d have to thrust his hands inside the ugliest, sharpest parts and then own them, get to know them, and call them his own.

izzy’s not emotionally mature: his love is nameless and childish.

which is why the kid thing is perfect? because the way izzy deals with ed trying to change and stede... existing, the reaction of a child: they stole my friend. they broke his brain, they changed him; he’s mine, and they can’t have him.

( ‘that bitch stole my man’; not NOT an adult version of this same logical fallacy. )

because the adult truth is people do not get stolen. they make choices and new connections, and nobody cast a terrible spell over them to turn them into someone new: they just liked those people too. and it’s entirely normal to feel jealous and possessive over a friend, or long for people to be what we want them to be so they can love us like we want them to love us.

but lucius is the one who actually has that one right: people in love don’t own each other. nobody stole our man or our friend, and acting like they did does a disservice to everybody involved. 

god, i love that.

#look i know fandom Disc Horse tends to get... weirdly processed #so writing about why a character is not good at something or needed improvement or fucked up gets taken as being negative #we like us a compliment sandwich at best! #and then that crosses into weird binaries like 'if you hate the white guy so much shut up about it' #but this show crafted fucked up lil guys of varying flavors on purpose! #discussing their flaws isn't an exercise in negativity imo #but rather engaging earnestly #i really do not think the answer to the general izzy weirdness is 'shut up about izzy' but rather 'tilt the angles of examination' #or stede and fatherhood etc #because the ways in which these characters fail and fall short and fuck up is BEAUTIFUL #it's a growth narrative! ed and stede both needed to do personal development work #i love them for growing! i don't scorn them for needing to #i just feel like the point of the show is in part about being kind and honest at once #and how honesty lacking kindness is a problem but so is kindness lacking honesty #one is cruelty in a loud way: the other a slow poison #anyway i just really love these writers and the world they created

[izzy-b-hands]

im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just

it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)

#text post #god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again #in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps #makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now #gonna sleep eventually #i think lmao #im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better #that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something #no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that #my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it #he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances) #and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year #i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND #and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live #that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me #he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off #where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself #if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao #i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine #gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings #find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try #forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so the hospital group that diagnosed my stroke as an anxiety attack&let me sit in their er for roughly five hours is in the news #bc body cam footage came out showing them having called the police on a patient who was 'refusing to leave' #despite the fact that he 'had no medical reason for being there'. #he had ODd&they had given in narcan. he was also homeless. so all the actual rules about watching a patient post resus #went out the window in favor of calling police&being incredibly cruel about it. #the man died at the police station. where they took him bc they looked him up&he had bench warrants. #they couldn't process him bc he was totally unresponsive. they tried tho. best believe they tried. #&when they had to explain why they were didnt try to get him medical help they released the body cam footage. #prob the only time they didnt throw tantrums over it too seeing as it successfully shifted the blame. #the hospital has had to apologize publically for the 'failure' on their part. #i cant even put my feelings into words. #ive said it once ill say it every fucking time learning medicine was not&is not hard. its not worthy of special note. #its something you do bc you care. &if thats not the case i hope you die of the medical neglect you would force onto those #who come to you for fucking help. #pathetic. absolutely fucking pathetic. #i might not ever be able to work in traditional medicine but w stories like these why the fuck would i ever want to? #why would i ever want to be associated w willful fucking murderers? bc thats what medical neglect from a medical pro at their work is. #fucking murder.

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[readymades2002]

i turn 25 in almost two months. christ

#trying not to think about it but it makes me nauseous thinking about it #was at a birthday party recently (for a boy you may have heard me mention before.) and its #it got me thinking. i cannot imagine celebrating a birthday party for myself #its been awful the last few years but i do see every year that passes with me still here as a testament to cowardice on my part #if i were to celebrate turning a quarter of a century old what would that even look like? #what does that mean to me? what does it mean to anyone else? does anyone know me enough for it to mean anything? #my secret is that selfishly i would like...a little surprise birthday party. that people set up for me because they love me #but i know in my heart that if that ever happened i would freak the fuck out because it wouldn't feel real or earned #its a tricky double bind because i do want to be part of the world. and cared about. but i do not feel deserving of it #or capable of it being real so i am sad and lonely always but when i experience kindness it is wastedon me because i cannot process it #frustrating.

[system-of-a-feather]

Excerpt from me talking with my fiance about his therapy as he realizes his abusive preschool gave him some long lasting traumatic damage to his mental health

Me: It's not the important or main point, but I'm gonna be honest, being here and watching you go through and process all of this has me a bit baffled because I've had this conversation with XIV like 10 times this week where Ill be like "damn that trauma in preschool really fucked him up for the long run, which valid, but like, damn man, that was like one year. I've always been in an abusive and hostile shitty environment for the first like 18 years of my life, how the fuck am I ok" and then XIV always is in the back and goes "you have DID"

My Fiance: Yeah he's just like "You have me." "Oh look at what the not-trauma holder says to the DID Squared part because the not-trauma holder actually has trauma and to keep that away from the trauma-holding parts split within the DID"

Me: Me: Yeah. Basically what he says.

#alter: riku #alter: xiv #shitpost #trauma talk #trauma processing #really though its not the important part of this experience #but my fiance processing his trauma just #has me sitting here like :eye: :lips: :eye: emoji cause I'm like #damn fuck that shit really hurt you huh #i feel you man #but also what the fuck #if that was able to hurt you that much #what the FUCK am I doing being ok #Cause trauma olympics isn't worth anything #but on a theoretical level having your entire life as a minor being riddled with like #all the main forms of abuse and not having a single supportive adult #theoretically should have made me much more fucked up #and im like #damn what the hell is with me being ok #until i look at XIV and remember i have DID and I'm just the hyperfunctioning ANP part