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cowplant-pizza · 1 year

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hey guys this is a huge personal rant about my irl so if u dont wanna read it just scroll!!

so as some of u will know i am disabled with fibromyalgia, hyper mobility and also depression and anxiety.

i started a small biz to try to help bring funds in as i cant work a proper job (i was even told by my dr that working was out of the option)

im feeling doubly, even tripley sorry for myself rn because not only do i have a disability, but i have it so bad that i can’t even do what most people with this disability can do (work part time or even full time in some cases)

my disability took away my dream from working with animals because its such a labour intensive job

i saw a silver lining in creating my small business because it was something i was really passionate about and was actually doing really well

in 2020-2021 i made £21k which is a reasonable salary for someone with no qualifications (i had to drop out of school due to my disability) and also a small business in their first year of existing

however since covid has “ended”, and lockdown was lifted, my sales have plummeted. the following year i only made £4k

this year i’m sure i’ve made even less

i cant keep up with my business because i’m way too stressed about money. stress makes fibromyalgia waaaay worse for those wondering

i cant sleep at night. i have awful insomnia. but when i do finally get to sleep, i cant wake up. i describe it as a sleep coma. its like sleep is literally pulling a blanket over my head and suffocating me back to sleep. i actively fight with my body every day for the ability to wake up

once i wake up i have minimum energy. this is spent doing small everyday tasks like watering my plants, playing with my dogs, putting away laundry, showering ect. once those tasks are done, i’m spent. i could sleep again. i have no energy or motivation to work on my business

but some days i dont even have the energy to do those small things

i just sort of “zombie mode” along all day. time goes quickly and slowly at the same time

i thought i’d been awake like 30mins earlier but it had been 5hrs and my dinner was ready

i’m basically always confused and not with it. earlier i put a tissue on the side and my mug in the bin (still with cold tea in it) instead of the other way around. i put soap in my hair and shampoo on my body puff

i dont know what to do

i have a drs appointment on 16th but that was booked over a month ago and its only over the phone. i rang today to try and book another one (because you can only discuss one issue at a time), and opted for the callback service (if your past 5th in the queue you press the callback and keep your spot). i was 8th. i never got a call back

i honestly just feel like the entire world is against me

im trying to get an adhd/autism diagnosis because i know something is “wrong” up there but i cant even get a regular appointment let alone a referral

i get no support from my government. no benefits. i scored a 0 on my PIP interview. im going to try for universal credit but someone recommended waiting for my adhd/autism diagnosis to really push them to give it to me but, as i said, i cant get an appointment

im making about 50-100 per month

i dont see anything bright in my future

if you read this far honestly your a gem. im sorry for burdening this on your shoulders. i just needed to write it down and get it off my chest

#personal #dl #non sims

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killuaisaprincess · 8 months

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THREE YEARS OF WRITING 🧁 (or close enough!)

Lemme start by saying I am tired. One hater takes enough out of me, I have ADD hypersensitivity, so yeah, still kinda recovering!

I wanted to make this something super happy! And actually on time, but literally, one day later, today some asshole wants to show up in my tumblr inbox and complain? And it was about the old me! So I'm doing it early! I’m here to celebrate my growth! Fuck them! Lol 🖕🎉

They were basically, oh, you’re not Q! You’ve fallen off! No, I’m not! Q is dead! And Q was never truly entirely me! I will always be grateful if she hadn’t taken the first step, I wouldn’t be here, but Q got scared even writing the simple niche of Gon carrying Ki more than once! I still remember that authors note Q wrote apologizing! I wanna laugh at her! Like she owed anyone anything! It was like her fourth fic, I think.

I get her, part of her still lies in me! Like I’m sorry to that person you’re so insecure and pathetic that someone changing and growing into a confident person who writes what she totally likes full on indulgence! Bothers you! She was always in there okie! She was just scared!

Creating Qutie was the first step. And I’m proud of her and how far she’s come! I don’t care anymore if everyone hates me! I know most probs do! I am confident and happy about my presence here! And love that I can speak up without fearing anymore! Realizing I don’t fit! Or belong with the fandom was the best thing that ever happened to me! I don’t forgive the og hater/stalker and made me poof Q, but I am actually thankful to them.

My third year anniversary of writing is coming up on Sept, 4!

And I probs would’ve made a speech about how happy I am and how far I’ve come then too! So consider this that! Except it probs would’ve been 50 tags cuz that’s my style lol 😚

No matter what anyone says I am proud of me!

I love my writing, and I love my fics! It really just is the simple concept of imagining finding an author you like! And then there are tons of works ready for you to read! Even if they're small thingies like mine! I was into GK back in 2012, but I was young and there wasn't any GK really, and plus after CAA I was just depressed there was nothing there for me. So I left! And then 2020 of June I fell back into Gonki!

I watched tons of reactors and got back in, but I couldn't find anything that was my taste fic wise, so I just took a leap of fate, I found maybe one fic of Gon carrying Ki maybe one and billions that I did not like! So I decided to do it for me!

I wanna be with Gonkillu forever! I don't wanna imagine a world where I leave again! But on the chance it ever does happen? Look what I've done for me! I've become that author I would like with tons of fics all ready to read! For me! 90+ will be there if it does happen.

And nothing pleases me more! I do reread my fics as is! But the idea of knowing me of the future should something ever happen has that... it's the best feeling!

And no one will take that from me! When I couldn't find anything I wanted in 2020 I didn't go to writers and go WAHHH WAHH WAHHH DO WHAT I WANT I took action. So no loser anon is gonna stop me. If you liked the old me become her, but I like the new current me more! Who goes full in no fear!

I do wish there was a GK world and I will say stuff like that! Cuz I do wish there was! But I've never gone to a writer and been like dooo this for meee, like!

I put my money where my mouth is and am creating the GK world I want for myself!

Thank you, me! For the three years of writing! Here's to many more!

I’m on a little teeny tiny island by myself! I need a cute flag 🥺 IT HAS TO BE PINK OMG WITH GON CARRYING KI AND KI WEARING A CUTE PINK DRESS AND LITTLE BUNNY EARS 🥺 he’s a little bunny 🐰

#personal #Happy THIRD ANNIVERSARY TO ME! 😚😚😚#It’s a little early! But!#I didn’t wanna make this an authors note tbh! Even though since I blocked the anon they probs can’t see this but!#I am just using my new psued from now on ao3 to get my point across lol anytime someone wants to be rude/leave hate #Besides the death of Q and rebirth of Qutie actually started here!#It feels right to honor how proud I am of her here!#I'm sorry to the few nice anons out there but tbh on both here and ao3 I've decided I'm no longer having them on ever again I was #Yesterday considering maybe after Dec but #Nah

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deardragonbook · 1 year

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Why I rarely post here anymore (despite having a bunch of drafts that I just need to edit and post)

So, I keep meaning to come back here and edit some of my writing advice posts, ones like: “Writing Reference: Life After a Long Term Relationship Ends”, “Write What You Need, but Also What You Can”, “How to miscommunication”, and another 15 posts.

Why haven’t I been active?

Well, for a while I’ve just been too depressed to create anything anywhere.

But I stopped Tumblr first, why?

Well, today I was reminded when I logged into TikTok which is a powerful marketing tool which as an author I can’t ignore, and found one of my tumblr posts copies and pasted, no credit, nothing to indicate the posters wasn’t the original author.

So, I sat in bed at 3 in the morning crying for an hour.

I don’t care when posts don’t do well, that’s to be expected.

I don’t expect to profit from these posts.

But, to have another author (because this user has books for sale in the link their bio), just copy and paste something I put time and effort into, and receive 400k views, more than I’ve ever received on a video, when I used to post his same advice to my account.

It made me realize that, each post I create is another post that will profit other people who just don’t care about the original creator and will steal that work. (Because copying and pasting my post is stealing)

That hit me hard.

Right now, I don’t want to share my posts; I want to keep to myself because I don’t want to be crying at 3 am while other people profit off of my work.

And I know that’s just the way of the internet, but it still hurts. It hurts more than I know how to put into words. I just don’t want to share the stuff I create, I want to be in a bubble where at least my work is my own even if nobody sees it.

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auspicetaker · 11 months

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hi tumlr

my queue ran out and i’ve been too busy playing TotK to update it. i’ve been doing some personal writing today that’s probably not interesting to anyone else, but i’m putting it under the cut if you’re interested in reading me complaining about all my life problems and not doing anything to solve them.

5/31/2023

What’s my problem? Well…

… I’ve been bleeding continuously for months, maybe years. I’ve lost track. I’m on hormonal birth control to manage my brutal PMS symptoms (debilitating cramps, migraines so bad I can’t stand up, hellacious mood swings) but now I’m just on a low-grade period forever. Not sure what’s worse - the whiplash of the highs and lows of the natural cycle, or being stuck somewhere in the cycle eternally, not up or down, just blood and tissue leaking out of me day in and day out for months and months on end.

… I’ve been wishing to get on T for some time now. I want the facial and body hair, the husky voice, increased muscle mass, new stinky boy smells, a roughening of my too-delicate facial features. However, getting gender-affirming healthcare, even in a trans-friendly blue state like mine, is no small undertaking. Everywhere I’ve called is either not accepting new patients or has a prohibitively long waitlist. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few months, but since he’s just a straight-world endocrinologist, not someone specialized in these things, I am extremely apprehensive he’ll just shut me down. It’s happened before. The T feels like a new avenue to pursue to deal with my endless, miserable bleeding, some different exogenous hormones instead of the estrogen I’ve been taking. It feels like a small glimmer of hope, so obviously I am already prepared to never get it, to have it be taken away if I do get it, or for it to not work out like I imagined.

… My job is falling apart at the seams. My colleague who was my greatest support was taken away from me about a month ago, unceremoniously laid off due to financial issues (concerning) and I’ve been floundering ever since. I made so much progress with my self-loathing and avoidance around work stuff, and it feels like I’ve taken eight steps back. No, not even that I took the eight steps myself, it’s like I was picked up by a giant claw and thrown all the way back to a more dysfunctional self. I had something good going, it felt tolerable, and now I am floundering, trapped with my stupid boss on his sinking ship.

… I need to work on my resumé, apply to other stuff. I have always hated job hunting. It is a particularly odious form of the sort of normal-person lying and deception that is necessary for survival in our society. Creating a version of myself that’s palatable to prospective employers, then scraping, bowing, and doing little dances to try and get their approval or consideration… it makes me sick. Part of what was so great about getting this job was that I don’t even think I ever gave my boss a resumé. He already knew me and I was able to just use that goodwill and prior record to pirouette into this current role. Which in retrospect may have been kind of a red flag.

… My mental health has taken a bit of a nosedive in these past few months. Part of it is that I’m tapering off of the antidepressants that I’d been taking for my entire adult life. I was doing okay, but there’s been a few stumbling blocks in a row and things are tough, now. Things I thought I was doing better with (self harm and suicidal ideation) are back in a big way. I’ve accepted that I’ll struggle for a while, maybe forever, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for the return of my full range of emotions. Long-term SSRI use leaves you in a state of not-depression but also not-happiness. You don’t experience pleasure so much as you experience the absence of pain. For me, at least, I also experienced a profound dulling of what little creative impulses I had. On that front, tapering down SSRI’s has been revelatory - I feel like I’ve unlocked a long-buried self who desires to write and make art, who has aesthetic visions and preferences. I’m collaging again, making art in my journal, learning to make digital art on a tablet, creating wall collages in my room. It doesn’t feel like something new, it feels like something very old that I lost and am finally returning to. All this to say that I’ll take an uptick in my brain screaming for blood and death (god knows I experienced that already on my full dose of SSRI’s) to get a shred of that old self back, to feel the joy and thrill of creation again.

… Speaking of aesthetics, I’m so fucking sick and tired of all my clothes. I want something new but I don’t know exactly what. I’m tired of the black-and-green color scheme I’ve been rocking for the past 5 years. I’m tired of the skinny leg silhouettes and the too-small band tees. Again, I don’t know what I’d replace this all with. Shopping takes time and money, and I have little of either. In-person shopping is a sensorily draining and overwhelming experience, and online shopping leaves me either paralyzed with indecision or, worse, pulling the trigger impulsively and then wracked with regret. I have made a few stabs here and there towards a new personal aesthetic, getting colorful, oversized new button-down shirts, for example, but it’s slow going, and in the meantime I’m left with what I already have. And I’m so, so sick of it all.

… My house and my room are in a state of flux. My roommate is moving out, and my girlfriend is moving in. I’m sad to leave my roommate (nine years cohabitating!), apprehensive of change, but mostly excited. It’ll be incredible to have my girlfriend by my side all the time. That’s a dream. There are many, many nasty and frustrating corners of my room I keep saying I’ll deal with, and the clock is running out. My closet is a mess, my storage areas are inefficient and cluttered, and I simply cannot seem to get it together enough to do anything about any of it. Additionally, I decided I’d redo the peeling bathroom paint myself, even though we’re renting and it should be my landlord’s job, and it’s taking forever. I have very limited time and resources to deal with the many stages of scraping, stripping, sanding, spackling, priming, and repainting. The bathroom is currently in the “scraped and stripped” stage, but not yet in the “sanded, spackled, primed, and painted” stage, and it looks absolutely terrible. I feel stupid, panicked, overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’ve painted myself (ha ha) into a corner and I just have to keep going, despite the fact that I never want to look at the fucking bathroom ever again, at this point.

… There are other things that are necessary to my survival and health that I’ve been avoiding dealing with, or just haven’t had the resources to deal with. I’ve needed new glasses for months now but can’t seem to make myself do anything about it. It takes a Herculean effort just to go to work, cook food, do the dishes, and do my laundry, so higher-level tasks like “writing a resume” or “shopping for new jeans” or “making a necessary medical appointment” just keep getting pushed off for later. And later never comes.

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earthyangels · 1 year

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His poem is literally affirmations

☯︎EarthyAngels - Hey Wings!!! It’s been awhile tbh but I was traveling and getting my shit together. OOF! It takes a lot of energy to travel back and forth especially having to START OVER. So now I’m back in a living stable home and I won’t be bouncing around no more. I took weeks off to recollect myself and give my chance a break before I go hard on what I want to do in life. Here’s what I did during that time period.

I had to move back with my father after a situation with my aunt

Quit my new job and had to buy luggage and a ticket with my OWN money despite not having much left after buying many clothes that are also work appropriate and expecting my new paycheck to cover the cost

I had took a plane back and reside in my fathers home which I took a break before doing anything else (it took a lot for me to plan my life with my aunt now I gotta leave it all behind and restart here so I deserved a break)

I slept, rest and was in a depressive and angry state. When I came back, I barely got up lol

I was still journaling throughout all that time but not as much as I should be and trying to get back my energy

I got into self growth channels and law of assumptions that help motivate me alongside planning out how I wanted my life to look

I continued with my manifestations in notion and focus on what I want to come into my life

I made my personalized subliminal(kind of like a mind movie) video with my own voice. I did one for love and career

I applied for jobs today, I was determined too because I wanted to better my finances

Now I’m ready to start out my life as I want to

So yeah, there was a lot that has transpired in that time frame but it’s more of the personal situations that I don’t want to lay out. I will say family isn’t everything and don’t let anyone talk behind you win lol, prove them WRONG. If you feel you can’t trust people either, DO THAT. But anyways, I didn’t let what happen keep me down and kept going, I had my time off to recollect myself but I am good now. I’m still have a shaky mind which is fine but I won’t let it affect what I’m trying to create in this life. I’ve been manifesting things still, it isn’t major but it is proving how powerful the mind can be and still motivating me to keep going.

Bye 🕊Wings✨see y’all soon

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frankhightower · 4 months

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12 things I learned after depending on commissions for 2 years

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now, but PayPal charitably reminded me of the $600 reporting threshold this morning (which will no longer require you to pay taxes, but still, wasn't originally planning on assigning neurons to that today) so it's as good a time as any.

I started seriously pursuing commissions in the summer of 2021 (you may remember I'd been talking before the pandemic about automating most of my badly-paying dayjob away to free up time for other pursuits, this was the point where I finally said "I've done it!"). The failure of the 2017 opening still weighed heavily on my mind, though, so I was pretty sure simply posting "hey, I'm open" and uploading 5 "samples" a week wasn't going to work. I tried to get an art stream set up since I remembered getting followers that way in 2014, but I could never get it to work.

So instead, I took to Discord. I've always been bad at keeping up with multiple forums, but I made an effort to participate in all of them. I was very casual about my commissions (since, you know, pandemic: I kinda needed the social interaction more ...and pandemic stimuluses were keeping me afloat) and sold a grand total of 2 commissions that way in the whole year.

Here came the first hard lesson: Do not give free samples of your work. People will always say "do you have a sample?" and since I was being asked for combinations I'd never done (such as, let's say, "cell-shaded and macro"), I'd always say "no, but I can make one", and then would go off to do just that. Several things can happen in that process:

You take so long to produce the sample, the would-be commissioner loses interest

They judge your sample as not good enough

The free sample satisfies their "need" and they no longer want "the paid version"

(also, commissioners, don't ask "do you have a sample", look at the artist's gallery and talk to them about that; artists love gushing about their art!)

From here, I decided to be systematic about it: I was going to create a sample of every possible combination and put them on a price sheet (I don't recommend this, by the way). I'd long planned to get "volunteers" to appear on my price sheet, but by this point, the pandemic stimuli had stopped so I decided to sell the slots in a huge YCH. To promote it, I started using Twitter ...I mean really use it. I'd never "gotten" Twitter much, but again, I made the effort and soon went from replying to 1 or 2 tweets every few days, to replying to 20 tweets a day.

And here I learned the second lesson: The online art space is an interconnected ecosystem. I only sold 2 slots on Twitter itself (people I knew saw my retweets), but by posting the slots sold on FA, DA and Tumblr, I was able to get more attention there. Then, by making reminders for FA and DA since they don't have a retweet option (and posting those reminders on Twitter), I was able to get more attention back on Twitter ...and the feedback loop continued until I had people asking for slots when I'd run out! I kind of already knew this, to be honest. I'd always praised EA's pre-2007 strategy of "cross pollination" (releasing the "same" game on multiple platforms to motivate people from one platform to get the other) but seeing it firsthand was just next level.

I considered myself too busy during the Winter Quarter of 2022 (we work in quarters at my school) so, though I was still brimming with ideas, I wasn't posting anything. ...Then I noticed my friends on Twitter were depressed. I mean, a lot of them were. They needed me. I'd been to therapy during the pandemic (and it bankrupted me so I knew not everyone could afford it) but it had given me the tools necessary to deal with it. I could tell they didn't have them. And one of those tools (which I was underusing) was "draw something every day". So I started the "Free Hugs" series. From a commercial standpoint, this was a great way to get "out there", since gift art is far more visible than the average twitter reply, but that was not the main reason to do it.

So let's call this the third lesson: Gifts are good. A gift is not a free sample, it is a labor of love. You wouldn't buy a gift for someone you don't know at all, and giving the gift doesn't weigh on your conscience as a waste of time in the same way as "the prospective commissioner never got back to me" does. Sometimes the receiver only responds with a like, and that's more than enough. Sometimes they'll comment show their followers in turn. But because you're not doing it for the attention, it's always a bonus.

What really changed things was something unexpected: I reached 150 followers on Twitter! I'd always planned that, if I reached 150, I would draw the 150 pokémon. I'd kind of resigned on the idea years ago because I'd "stopped growing"... and then it happened. I now had to put that plan into action! (and no, "celebrate milestones" isn't a lesson learned, I'll come back to this later)

Turning my daily drawing into "the next pokémon on the list" was a huge boost to my productivity (so long as I kept the list handy) and it contributed to the "ecosystem" positive feedback loop. Let's call this the fourth lesson: Always have something to do. If you're ever "out of ideas", have something you can turn to that will allow you to keep posting. Something that doesn't stress you out (drawing Pokémon is a huge comfort for me, it's literally therapeutic). Something that doesn't require a lot of effort to decide what to do next. Something that (for all practical purposes) you could do forever.

And now, having a huge roster of pokémon under my belt, came the next turning point. I'd always considered black and white sketches to be "unfinished" art, but people were quite happy with them as they were. And with Pandemic payments stopping, I offered to "finish" them... as a commission. Approximately one out of every ten people who received a pokémon sketch were willing to pay to see it "finished", which is the exact ratio taught in marketing classes. This brings me to the fifth lesson: Direct marketing works (ha,ha, just kidding, please don't spam your followers). The fifth lesson is: Keep in touch with your follower base. They already made the decision to follow you, they are clearly interested in what you have to offer. Make sure you talk to them, listen to them, study them individually, and yes, give them fan service (and I mean this literally: give them what they came for, not what a stereotype says they want).

After about a year of toil, my price sheet was ready (remember I said I don't advise making them like I did?) and I sold 2. and here I learned another hard lesson: Commissioners are creative people (they just lack the time, tools, or skill to do the art themselves) This should be a good thing; what better person to work with as a creative, than a creative? The problem is that not many people are creative, so a broad "throw anything you want at me, the only limit is your imagination", only works with people who have unlimited imaginations. Not even lowering prices helps in this situation. If you want to reach a larger audience, you need to do what most artists do and offer donation drives, YCHs and adopts. If you need ideas for these, celebrate holidays or milestones (told you I'd come back to it) but do it with intent, not out of obligation. Try to stay away from newsbites or trending topics as these will become dated very quickly (and you want the stuff people paid for to act as an ad).

So I launched a donation drive. I'd always been planning one for Macro March. This taught me the next lesson: People want to give you money! This may come as a shock to many of you, but it's true. Your followers do like you that much. Give them opportunities to show it on their terms. And never fail to acknowledge it!

I soon after launched another huge YCH, got only 1 response, and learned the 8th hard lesson: Some months are just dead. If you've ever wondered why no artist ever does X in the month of Y, this is why. People just disconnect from the internet at certain times of the year (and with the pandemic ending, doubly so!). Trying to get anyone to even see what you're doing at these times is literally shouting into the void.

By this time, my mother had lost her job, and her severance pay had run out. My family was financially in trouble. I went back to my list of pokémon, and people who said they'd be interested in paying to get it finished "later". Only 2 of them still did, which taught me two new hard lessons: 9: Buying art is an emotional endeavor. Once emotions subside, the push to put money on that particular piece is gone. This also means that art should always have emotion (and probably why so many people hate AI art for non-"it was made by AI" reasons) 10: People wait for their paycheck. Even if your followers may recognize your situation on the 23rd of the month, even if they want to give you money, they won't have any money to give until the 30th. But by that point, they may have forgotten (after all, what is the internet but a myriad of things trying to get your attention?) so you need to time your announcements considering this. Use that week for a personal project or try to cut back.

Things went very well for a while... but then there came the Death of Twitter. What do I mean by that? I track "views per followers" on my art tweets. I normally get 1 view for every follower, thanks to my carefully scheduled retweets. However, I've noticed a steady decline in that number since July (when the "rate limited" debacle happened). Starting at about the last week of September, it's been stuck at about 0.2 views for every follower. I doubt this is a matter of algorithm suppression, though, since I'm also seeing people I follow, post less. I conclude people really are spending less time on Twitter, which brings me to the final hard lesson: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, don't even put the majority of your eggs in one basket! From the beginning, having many more followers on Twitter than on any other platform set off alarm bells in my head (and if it's been your situation, it should do so, for you, too!) The fear was not that Twitter, as a whole, would fail, it was that I could lose my account! I am happy with the fact that I currently only have about 50% more followers on Twitter than I do on FA (ideally the numbers would be equal, but since FA relies on people using "browse" and "search", that number is really hard to raise!) To bring it full circle, cross-pollinate! Link your other accounts constantly. Anyone who's finding you for the first time in one platform should quickly be able to know if you're in any of the other platforms they use. This is how I've managed to survive the Twitter-pocalypse.

So those are my 12 hard lessons:

Do not give free samples of your work

The online art space is an interconnected ecosystem

Gifts are good

Always have something to do

Keep in touch with your follower base

Commissioners are creative people

People want to give you money!

Some months are just dead

Buying art is an emotional endeavor

People wait for their paycheck

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

Cross-pollinate!

They're all "easier said than done", but don't let anyone tell you that artists hate sharing their secrets!

And Merry Christmas.

Posted using PostyBirb

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thefencebeetle · 8 months

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All the social media websites are getting more unusable and un-user friendly by the day, I hate it, I hate it so much, this is awful and I am in fact suffering greatly from it

Stop being awful, why are websites so bad, stop showing me scam ads everywhere, why are bots so prominent, why is everything simultaneously sanitised to hell but exceptions are made for the worst of the worst, why isn’t anything customisable, why can’t I do anything that I want, this is absolute user hell, this is torture for the sake of data harvesting

And yet this is some kind of fucked up reverse prisoners dilemma, I can’t leave because everyone is also trapped here, and if I choose to leave I’ll be free but I’ll be alone, and in the dark about everything. I’ll be in the void. It’s either burning fire pits of content hell with everyone or the cold and lonely expanse of irrelevant nothingness.

I hate it

This is horrible

These websites are actively harming my mental health. I’ve been catching myself not only thinking about the dumbass "debates" I’ve seen online but even talking to people about them ! As if (!!!) they were(!!!) somehow (!!!) fucking relevant to anything actually real (!!!!!). I don’t want to know ! I just want the bare minimum of good thoughtful interaction ! I want to stay informed on the topics that interest me ! It takes so much work to get even the bear minimum of a curated experience I don’t want the every day controversy or the moronic takes or the fake and fleeting outrages that serves no purpose whatsoever. Please everyone should just learn to shut the fuck up, have some restraint, grow up, get a life ! Nobody’s got a life ?!?

In fact this is Millennial hell. We’ve collectively created and populated these spaces and we are rotting in them, we are festering and oozing out of them, and we are cannibalising them and ourselves simultaneously. This is our generational sin, we were born into the Internet and we made sure to choke it real hard and real good, to extinguish its light and creativity, to chose the shittiest options and blindly accept anything for the sake of recognition, clout. And we’re going to continue doing that because there’s no way we’re moving away from our acid vats we now call social media websites. We’re feeling far too cozy among our own shit and trash, like depressing hoarders who can’t even imagine their house clean anymore not realising they are destroying their living space and sharing it with an unholy number of critters, ready to eat them dead or alive, sooner rather than later.

Maybe we are the critters. But at least they have some kind of use. Our only use is to wallow and do nothing, be depressed and stare, get drained by endless bullshit, and give data, look at ads, be a marketing profile, no need to share anything anymore. Don’t be creative, don’t be weird, don’t act. Just scroll and consume and be artificially angry and react to things you wouldn’t have even noticed otherwise and let it eat through you and install itself in your brain like a true parasite. It whispers to you that you want it and need it. Feed it. Open that app again. What is it, like the 30th time today ? Check again for notes / views / retweets / likes. Nothing hm, better check again ! Better like more harder and faster ! Scroll a bit further ! Click on more buttons made to be scientifically enjoyable and rewarding ! Spin that content wheel ! React ! Comment some brainless emoji ! Get into more arguments !! Check for notes again !!! Maybe this time you’re famous !!!

I stare at the delete button of my account like its loaded with one bullet for that parasite in my brain. I’m not even sure it’ll be enough.

#nobody should be reading this rambling #tumblr isn’t better than any other website #i’ll quit if you all do it as well #we can make a new website and call it All or Nothing #it will definitely work #fuck all of this #you should stop reading the tags #this isn’t 2013 #we’re all adults #this is not okay #go do something different that isn’t on your phone or computer #read a book or write or paint or make food #go for a walk #touch some grass but for real #i need to do that actually #bye

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theaword-livingwithautism · 1 year

Text

Autism in Adulthood

Hi, and welcome back! Today I’ll be talking about how being autistic has affected me in my adult life, and what it’s like to live, work, and learn as an autistic adult who’s aware of their condition. So, let’s jump in!

What is College Like?

At the moment, I’m really enjoying college and the freedom to create and maintain my own routine, as well as my living space. Thanks to housing accommodations, I have my own room, which helps me feel safe and secure knowing that everything will be right where I left it, and that I always have a safe, solitary place to go to. Classes are pretty manageable, but the disabilities and accommodations office made it really easy to get the assistance I need in managing not only my autism, but my anxiety and depression as well. They’ve helped me feel really supported and safe on campus, and all of my professors have been great about appropriately utilizing my accommodations. Socially it’s a lot better for me too, as I’m no longer obliged to interact with people, and there’s a lot more people like me, and people who share my special interests and hobbies. For example, I was able to join a dance team here at UT that does Korean pop covers, and I’m really enjoying it! I’ve made a lot of new friends and performed on stage for the first time in October. It was so much fun, and it keeps me in shape too!

How’s Work?

While some students choose not to work in college, I decided to pick up a part-time job at a bubble tea shop near my dorm. It’s been really great for the extra bit of money for family Christmas presents and keeping gas in the tank to go home and see my family back in Houston. My boss has also been really great about accommodating my class schedule and hasn’t given me much grief about how poor my Chinese is (the business is Chinese-owned and run, and most of my coworkers are international students from China). While I’m trying my hardest to improve my Chinese, work keeps me busy and it makes me happy to have something to keep me responsible.

What About Living Alone?

While it’s pretty unpopular to live alone as a freshman in college, I’ve really enjoyed it. Although, my living alone is much improved by the existence of my emotional support cat, Freyja. Generally I’m really introverted, so I love my alone time, and really don’t have much to complain about. If you prefer people though, it’s definitely not the way to go, and I have had moments of feeling pretty lonely or like I’m missing out.

Are You Missing Out?

The good news is that I’m missing out on a lot less than you’d think. I’m not much of a partier, so in that aspect, I’d suppose that I’m missing out. In terms of making friends and doing fun things, not at all! With joining a student organization (my dance team) has come new friends, socials, incredible memories, and some of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. I’ve attended some events by myself, like residence hall theme nights, which I’ve had a great time at, and done some things with friends, like visited restaurants off campus or hold little study sessions together where we just enjoy each other’s presence and crack the occasion joke to keep spirits up. Missing out is all about holding your values and making time to care for yourself.

Is There Anything You Wish You’d Done Differently?

I wish I would’ve researched my student organization options better. At the beginning of the year I tried to join an organization but hadn’t done enough research, and as a result, I put myself in a situation that I really didn’t want to be in, and it kind of damaged my trust in students organizations a bit. I also wish that I had been firmer with people from the very beginning about setting boundaries, as I’ve had some more than uncomfortable experiences over the past couple of months that I would’ve rather avoided. But part of college is making mistakes and learning about yourself and how you interact with the wide world around you. So even though some things haven’t been the greatest, I guess it’s part of the college experience.

So?

Adulthood as a whole is a lot more manageable than I thought it would be, to be completely honest. I don’t think that I am by any means the most mature adult, or that I have my life together (because I recognize that I absolutely do not have my life together), but I’m getting through it and trying to have a good time while I do, so, what else can you really ask for as a freshman?

Thanks for reading!

#ut austin #autism #education #neurodiversity

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years

Text

149 of 2022

Created by chasingghosts

How many members are in your favourite band?

Three or seven, I’m talking about two bands now.

Have you cuddled with someone today?

Not yet, it’s early.

Can you smell anything right now?

Nothing particular.

Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today?

Not at all.

Do you use the toilet paper with the colourful designs on it?

I buy whatever is available in the shop. Everyone knows what’s the main use of toilet paper anyway.

Do you wear your hair up or down most often?

My hair is short.

How does alcohol affect you?

It gets me dizzy. And in general, it makes me more brave and open.

When was the last time you had a cold or flu?

I’ve never had flu in my life. And last cold was somewhere in April.

Do you wear open-toed or closed-toed shoes more often?

Closed-toed sghoes only. I wear either combat boots or these Converse-like shoes exclusively.

What was the first thing you ate today?

Some oatmeal and that’s all for today.

Do you have anything more important you should be doing right now?

No, it’s Sunday.

Do you still buy the paper or do you get your news elsewhere?

I’m not even bothered with the news anymore. Too depressing.

Have you been paid today?

It’s Sunday. I guess I’m gonna be paid next week or so.

Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it?

Yes, I have and no, I don’t like that sponge texture.

Do you know anyone who speaks English as a second language?

Yes, myself. And 99% of my friends, except for those who are actually British.

What is your favourite place to get pizza?

Domino’s or Pizza Hut.

What was the last concert you attended, and who did you go with?

Shuriken II with my husband, open air so the flashing lights didn’t bother me much.

Have you ever been to a cocktail party?

Something like that.

Have you worn make-up today?

I don’t wear make up.

When was the last time you had Chinese food?

A week ago or something.

Do you ever get dizzy and nauseous when you’re extremely tired?

It’s rather that I get dizzy, nauseous and extremely tired when the seizure is coming, but yeah. I’m tired most of the time.

Have you ever tried lemon brownies?

No, never.

Do you have a dishwasher in your house?

No, I don’t.

Can you hear anything right now?

Besides my music, no.

Do you have those fancy heated seats in your car?

Nope, absolutely not. It’s a quite plain car, except for custom-made speakers.

What was the last type of meat you ate?

I don’t remember the last time I actually ate meat.

What colour is your toothpaste?

Light blue.

Have you taken any medication today?

Yeah, three pills so far.

Have you ever been suspended from school?

I don’t think so.

Have you ever inhaled helium?

No, and I hold no interest in doing it.

Have you bought something that was on sale today?

Not today, but yesterday.

Are you a fan of Adam Sandler?

Nope, this dude makes me cringe. Just like Jim Carrey.

What was the last fruit you ate?

Blueberries.

Off the top of your head how many aisles are in the supermarket you shop at?

Five.

Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation?

I don’t even know what it is.

Have you watched a movie this week?

I don’t waste my time watching movies. I’d rather read a book and engage my own imagination.

How far away is the closest McDonald’s from your house?

About one kilometre.

Have you ever been to a wedding?

Last time yesterday. I’ve been to three weddings so far, but none of them was in my family.

What is your favourite kind of pasta?

Anything that’s not too thin.

Do you send or receive text messages more often?

Receive, I’m so bad at answering.

Have you set an alarm today?

Yeah, just as every day.

Do you keep up-to-date with current news and events?

I don’t bother anymore, it’s too depressing.

When was the last time you visited relatives?

In April, for Easter.

Have you ever used aromatherapy?

No, strong scents give me migraines.

Do you visit your state’s capital city often?

I don’t live in any state and I’ve never been.

Have you asked someone for advice today?

No. I’ve had no reason.

What was the last website you were on, other than this one?

Some internet forum.

Have you ever sent a package or letter to someone overseas?

No, only within Europe.

Did you ever play Habbo Hotel?

I’ve never heard of it.

Do you speak any languages other than English?

My native language is Dutch, so yeah, I do by logic.

How old were you when you had your first kiss?

In my early 20s. I’ve never been overly curious about it.

Have you ever been to Hawaii?

No, never.

Is it windy outside right now?

Looks like that, a little bit.

What is your favourite kind of rice?

Parboiled rice, it tastes like normal rice, but it’s healthier.

What colour is your favourite kind of soup?

All colours because I love almost all soups.

What are your earliest memories of summer vacation?

Travelling by train with my dad.

Have you texted someone today?

Not yet.

What colour is your shampoo?

Yellow, it seems. It smells like pineapple.

Have you watched more than an hour of tv today?

I haven’t watched even a minute.

Do you know anyone with a strong foreign accent?

All my friends when they speak English. And myself as well.

#survey #random survey #q&a survey

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minorhoursmagazine · 2 years

Text

Issue 10, containing: On Household Arrangement, Local Wanderings, Classifieds, Letters, Commonplaces, &c

------------------------------

SOME EDITORIAL NOTES

Because time is a lie on even the best of occasions, last week unfortunately did not have an issue. As such, naturally today's issue is late.

This is an extremely professional publication. ------------------------------

ON HOUSEHOLD ARRANGEMENT

A couple of weeks back I realized -- as I periodically do, often enough that I should perhaps schedule it -- that my environment affects my thinking. Without going too far into the reasons why (as they would almost certainly be depressing): I don't do well if I develop a living space that has nooks and crannies and specific paths to get from A to Zed.

Over the past several months this was, in fact, what developed in my home, and so I decided to spend a day tackling the most obvious culprit: the kitchen.

My kitchen is small; contains no dining space; has a single counter approximately four feet long; two upper cabinets; one lower cabinet; three drawers; one outlet; one refrigerator that partially blocks the path to the bathroom; a hutch; a desk-sized table; a very small rolling butcher cart; and a very large and ancient stove that serves as both cookery instrument and the heat source for the entire apartment. You'll notice that a sink wasn't part of the list, and that's because the sink is in fact in a side room off the kitchen that I have decided to call the butler's pantry because I am very much Myself.

Sometime last fall I decided to move the table, which I've had for a few years now, from the children's room to kitchen, placing it center in the room to serve as a sort of dining table and additional cooking surface. This worked fairly well for a while, and even into the spring, when I started using it as a work-from-home desk.

And then: the summer.

For reasons that I couldn't begin to guess, my living room is a guaranteed to be the hottest room in the apartment in the summer, and the coldest one in the winter. I can't move the stove into the living room during the winter, but I can most definitely have the air conditioner in there, and as such, it was the only livable work space in my home for the past few months. I kept a tidy little bucket of work materials on the couch, got myself a little laptop desk, and generally spent my days cool and carefree.

The same could not be said for the kitchen.

A path seemed to fester between the living room and the bathroom that conveniently passed the refrigerator but tragically avoided both the trash can and the sink in the butler's pantry. Plants on my hutch begged for water. My coffee, on a shelf above the plants, slowly transitioned away from that carefully chosen spot to the much more path-convenient top of the refrigerator.

Something that might have been easy to ignore if I spent the majority of my time outside the house was no longer tolerable. And so, the Great Rearrangement began.

The hutch hadn't moved in over five years. That, I decided, was the linchpin.

Over the next several hours, while listening and singing along loudly to several sea shanties (because they are by their nature working songs), I shifted the hutch over to where the butcher block had been, pushed the table to fit against the wall and window perpendicular to where the hutch had been, rearranged all my plants to fit on the end of the table, got out an unused mirror and pretended I knew how to create the illusion of space, moved the butcher block to fit beside where the hutch used to be, cursed my inability to move anything else of significance, and then spent an hour on Amazon ordering hooks and a cheap floral tapestry because the table, in its new configuration, would very definitely show my bedroom after I transitioned back to the kitchen "office" in the winter and I prefer to keep my bed away from the sight of coworkers, as that is an awkward thought none of us need have.

Some minor adjustments were also made to the top of the refrigerator, but that had more to do with my spending too much time on Pinterest, and need not be discussed.

The effect of the rearrangement was both immediate and amazing. It feels wonderful to walk through the kitchen now, and easy to get to all the things I want to reach. It has inspired me to do some radical rearrangement in other rooms. My bedroom (the aforementioned unmentionable) will receive a boost in terms of storage, and the children's room is likely to have some of the craft and art supplies moved into it to suit their interests, but the living room... the living room is project for this weekend.

In my tenure in this apartment, I've moved the couch (two different ones) from one long wall to the other, installed and then removed a recumbent bike, moved a bookcase from one short wall to another to another, broke a bookcase, was given a new one, bought a second one, rearranged my books on multiple occasions, used a bench for a TV stand and a TV stand for a side table, and bought a small water fountain.

What I haven't done before is actually bisected the room entirely by putting the couch in the middle, facing away from the kitchen and creating a TV space in one half and... something else? In the second. One of the bookcases would need to move. Certainly the bench. How will the TV be placed? Art would need to be moved, and new focus points created.

I have no idea if it will work.

I am intensely excited about it.

------------------------------

LOCAL WANDERINGS Recently two of my siblings, twins, had their birthday. We all live close to one another, and have considered one another part of our social "pod" through this time, so for their birthday I brought them to Mystic Seaport, in Mystic, Connecticut.

Mystic Seaport is a living history museum demonstrating a 19th century seaport town. Aside from the usual recreated houses and, usually, costumed actors, there are also enormous, real ships, either restored and cared for, or built entirely new in the working shipyard.

A historical town would honestly be enough of a draw for me, but Mystic Seaport is a place that my family has gone to for literal generations. My aunt remembers going there as a child. I remember going there with all my siblings as children. And I've taken my own daughters there.

My childhood memories of Mystic involve simple things:

A metal coin bank in the special playroom they keep for very young ones. I put a penny into the metal dog's mouth, and then pressed a lever -- the dog would then "jump" and place the penny into the sailor's barrel.

White broken shells covering all the pathways, pink innards shyly sliding in and out of view beneath our feet.

The hall of ship's figureheads, real ones, collected and placed above even adult eyelines. I looked and saw half-bodies stepping forward as if there were ships waiting to sail through the walls. I remember a tartan-clad Scotsman, a man with a turban and scimitar, various animals, and a pair of blonde twin girls, unusual because they had full bodies, clasping hands and dancing out over the long-gone waves.

Huge cups of lemonade, whole halves mixed into the sugar water, which has forever affected how I think lemonade should be served.

Eating through an enormous bucket of mussels with my family, which at the time was grand until it became Too Much, and has unfortunately left me with a dislike of bivalves.

And the ships themselves, particularly the Charles W. Morgan, an 1841 wooden whaler. I have decades' worth of memories of walking on and into it. The smell of the hold is a strangely treasured scent, wood and something sharp and something peculiar that makes me wonder if I'm smelling the old, old oil that was kept there. During regular times, reenactors climb the rigging and demonstrate how the sails were raised and lowered, raise and lower the whaling boats and harpoon invisible behemoths, and then, in the evenings, sing shanties to hasten the work that needs to be done to settle the ship for the night.

So, of course, I took my siblings there.

My sister hasn't been since she was very little, and it was interesting to watch her enjoy Mystic without necessarily remembering it -- though, when we came upon the Morgan, and she looked down into the galley, she suddenly remembered the little ridges built into the tabletop to prevent plates and trays from sliding in rough waters, and the gasp of delight she made, remembering that small thing, was a bright and shining thing.

My brother had been in later years, and remembered more of it, though we all agreed that it was strange to experience the place in these times. Many of the houses weren't open, and only some of the "businesses". There were no reenactors, and the steps down into the belly of the Morgan were closed.

It was also, though, very peaceful. We all found ourselves uninterrupted and alone inside a lighthouse, a replica of Nantucket's Brant Point Light, watching short videos about lighthouses and making terrible jokes. Later, we sat quietly together, watching the water, talking idly of the grand houses we saw across the way, asking one another what we remembered, realizing that some of our cloud-castles were built out of our experiences of Mystic. There's something about the water; there's something about the ships, the stories, the songs, and the steps, down and down, into the belly of history.

It was a strange day, and it was a very lovely one, and I count myself beyond lucky to have had it with them.

------------------------------

CLASSIFIEDS

Seeking: Siblings who are NOT afraid of getting a free paddleboat rental, the weenies. ------------------------------

LETTERS

From Mystic Seaport, to the Magazine, "Pardon?":

Did you... say something about bivalves? Again?

******

From the Magazine, to Certain Siblings, "Lighthouse Jokes Are Very Funny":

It's not the Editors' fault that one of the siblings has a great sense of humor, and the other one very sadly does not. It is a tragedy that we mourn daily.

******

From the Living Room Couch, to the Magazine, "Registering Concern":

I have not been moved from my place since I was installed, and frankly, I'm not sure you've thought this whole "middle of the room" plan through. Don't even pretend you took accurate measurements with your measuring tape -- I was there. I saw you, waving it around, letting it flop and deciding that was "close enough" and "probably fine". Furthermore, do you have any idea what horrors I'm covering up? You have two children. Things have definitely gone behind me. And it's been at least six months since you cleaned under my cushions. I know you've got "ideas" and "a vacuum", but if you think I'm going to just get turned perpendicular without a peep, well... well. I'm not entirely sure what I could do about it, but be assured that it'll be dreadful.

------------------------------

COMMONPLACES

From Swanjolras, on Tumblr:

gosh but like we spent hundreds of years looking up at the stars and wondering “is there anybody out there” and hoping and guessing and imagining

because we as a species were so lonely and we wanted friends so bad, we wanted to meet other species and we wanted to talk to them and we wanted to learn from them and to stop being the only people in the universe

and we started realizing that things were maybe not going so good for us— we got scared that we were going to blow each other up, we got scared that we were going to break our planet permanently, we got scared that in a hundred years we were all going to be dead and gone and even if there were other people out there, we’d never get to meet them

and then

we built robots?

and we gave them names and we gave them brains made out of silicon and we pretended they were people and we told them hey you wanna go exploring, and of course they did, because we had made them in our own image

and maybe in a hundred years we won’t be around any more, maybe yeah the planet will be a mess and we’ll all be dead, and if other people come from the stars we won’t be around to meet them and say hi! how are you! we’re people, too! you’re not alone any more!, maybe we’ll be gone

but we built robots, who have beat-up hulls and metal brains, and who have names; and if the other people come and say, who were these people? what were they like?

the robots can say, when they made us, they called us discovery; they called us curiosity; they called us explorer; they called us spirit. they must have thought that was important.

and they told us to tell you hello.

------------------------------

ANNOUNCEMENTS I fully intend to regret many, many things in tomorrow's great living room rearrangement. What better way to feel alive.

******

If you would like to write a letter to be produced/answered in the magazine, please email me at [email protected] with the subject line:

Letter to the Magazine: [subject of letter as you would like to see it printed]

If you wish the letter to be anonymous or under a nom de plume, please state so in the body of the email; similarly, if you'd rather not be printed at all, please also state so in the body of the email. It will otherwise be assumed that mail sent to that address is intended for print.

******

As always, you can find me at my regular website, katherinecrighton.com, or via twitter, at @c_katherine.

To support the magazine and get it delivered directly to your inbox, join the Patreon.

-Until next week, be safe.

#the minor hours and small thoughts magazine #katherine crighton #september 19 2020

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