#because im disgusted of what the people who do call themselves christians do. got these. nazis who are just evil people

[charliecharlston]

one of the absolutely most frustrating things in the western leftist attitude towards "zionism" is that they use zionism to describe something that has its own word. kahanism. but instead they choose to go through hoops to redefine a belief system that ISNT theirs to define. words change overtime, but westerners and goyim dont get to decide what a word that is culturally significant to jews means. and just because the tiny fraction of jews that are antizionist allow you to decide doesnt mean that the wider jewish community who are zionists agree with that.

lets also get one thing clear: zionism is an ancient jewish value. throughout the jewish peoples time in exile away from the land of israel, there was always a strong desire to return to zion, which refers to yerushalayim or the land of israel as a whole. just because someone jew in America might tell you "well i feel no connection to israel" DOESNT MEAN THAT EVERY JEW AGREES.

zionism is the belief that the jewish people deserve self determination in our ancient ancestral land, which encompasses the kingdom of israel and judah. that what it is at its very core. in modern definitions its the idea that the state of israel deserves to continue existing.

ive seen antizionists define zionism as "facism" just a Different ideology, or something along the lines of "kill palestinians" and "take over the world" no where in zionist belief do we think that jews must take over the world, or that palestinians must die for jews to live. or that the modern state of israel must be an exclusively jewish state. the founders of israel picked sovereignty snd safety over maximalism, meaning they chose to settle for the land given in the agreements ALTHOUGH a lot of the land that has our ancient history wasnt actually in our defined land which remains as such to this day.

now, kahanism. kahanism is in my eyes an appropriation of what zionism is. kahanism is an extreme right wing and racist take/"branch" of zionism. the idea that israel must be exclusively jewish, no arabs no muslims no christians, and many kahanists like ben gvir even believe that israel should reoccupy the gaza strip. kahanism ( the kach party) was banned from the knesset, israels parliament. but i think its with this move that our rotten politicians did to circumvent this ban is what has really fucked the perception of israel and zionism beyond repair alongside the propaganda about what zionism is. kahanists have essentially decided that kahanism is actually what truly zionist belief is, so they decide to call their movement a Zionist movement. so the "oztma yehudit" (jewish power, disgusting of them to call themselves this btw 😀😀) party peddles the idea that theyre a zionist movement when really, they are just kahanist and anti arab and anti palestinian. its not fucking "jewish power" to be racist. its maddening to me how many "zionists" are actually racist and bigoted and kahanist and then a lot of antizionists see them and say "look at so so, they say theyre zionist and theyre actually racist bigots who want to flatten gaza, every zionist believes that" and when you believe in palestinian self determination and the continued existence of israel and are thus a zionist, youre now morally wrong and inferior, when the perception of zionism is so beyond warped from its true definition. and as much as people will say "not all jews are zionists!" and "im not antisemetic im jusy antizionist!" its very clear how this has given a lot of closeted jew haters the chance to spew blood libel and misinformation. i do believe that there are well intentioned people in the anti israel/anti zionist/pro palestine movement. i truly truly want to believe that. and if you got this far and consider yourself pro palestine, look left snd right in your movement. learn about the old blood libel thst was used against jews for thousands of years thst is now beinh rehashed with more palatable language. there is a LOT of antisemitism in the palestinian movement, and if people who are truly not jew haters have to stand up for what is right to wash the movement clean of antisemitic libel and violence.

i couldnt find a place to fit this in the previous paragraph but israelis are constantly fighting bibis coalition, most israelis crave nothing more then our hostages back and bibi out of politics. our government has done literally nothing to actually help us for a long fucking time. it is incompetent snd we are in dire need to a better prime minister. im thinking of doing a post about how israeli elections, coalitions, parties and knesset works plus an overview of the parties and their ideologies at some point, so lmk if youd be interested

so, pro palestinian and dont hate jews or israelis? actually want to stand for peace?? seriously, put in the effort. because we cannot see you. you are overshadowed by people using the movement to be antisemitic and spread lies about the jewish people.

#ישראבלר #jewish #jumblr #טאמבלר ישראלי #ישראלים #judaism #יהדות #israel #israeli politics #zionism #antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #i/p #i/p conflict

[happiiest]

😎

#hm. i regret looking up some random good place picture to reblog and write my thesis in like i usually do after i find a show i like #or. encounter. lol #but a good place is fun!!! i completely avoided it because i just assumed that every self righteous person on tumblr #was gonna analyze it and hyper evaluate it and i just. knew where that was going fandom community wise #but now amanda told me a little bit about it and now that ive stopped interacting with fandoms and started watching a show.....my own way #im enjoying it!! im loving all the characters and the plot twist ending season one was completely unexpected!! #i totally knew something was off that the place was (perfect) but the fact that it was michaels first design covered it! #anyway im having alot of fun watching it how relaxing. i havent watched a live action series for a while its mostly been animated #it feels haughty to say animated and not anime. but i have been watching su and adventure time so like its not just japanese animation #anyway im stressed i talked to my mom today about my not wanting to be around vic like. ever again and she cried about it #i feel bad because i want her to be happy. but shes clinging to the (oh i would have left vic long ago if the love of jesus wasnt inmy heart #like. come on mom youre miserable. #but i dont have the guts to say something like that when shes crying #and i feel selfish for saying that but like. its not my responsibility to make sure my mom makes decisions good #i want to tell her that shes miserable and she should leave him. but i just. cant respond to someone who just keeps repeating #but i love him! but gods plan! #come on. youre willing to put up with him and be miserable with him even though he abused us kids constantly. #it pains me to think be it really does say something about your nature #she asked me if i still believe in god. and i told her that i do. but i dont go to church. or even call myself a christian #because im disgusted of what the people who do call themselves christians do. got these. nazis who are just evil people #calling themselves christians!! people who worship the god of unconditional love! that eats me up i cant imagine #no i still believe in god or whatever. and i still believe im supposed to share kindness and love whenever i can. and to grow #and to become the best me i can be. rn thats just making it thru the day but im working on it #anyway today was stessfull had to talk to my crying mom. i had to worry and research about affording my medicine which i dont even need #dont even need to live but if i have continuous seizures ill get brain damage like second hand life threatening disease bitch #and the depression medicine is pretty affordable without insurance. but still i can apply the same money saving method and save more mons #and then oh what was the other stressor. oh yeah i didnt clean my room. i was supposed to do laundry and i didnt. i could rn but. its late #oh well ill hit the first day of work rough and do my laundry asap after work #and my work schedule. was supposed to check that but i didnt. cuz my boss decided its a good idea to post it on my days off #and not email it to me or something. i get it hes busy but like. fam.

[tylerwritez]

Wednesday, September 22 11:51 p.m.

It's like nighttime and I jsut got up 2 take a piss because I needed to piss and my fuckinf mom I hate her so much I wish she was dead and I wish Father would take her place, Father is the only fucking person who LOVES me and jesus christ hes literally not even a physical being.... (deep down I know hes not even real, but I pretend he is because if I didnt I think I'd be crying constantly)... my fucking mom INSTANTLY came TO THE DOOR and was like waiting for me to go back to bed and was like are you done? You're taking too long blah blah and SHE TREID TO FUCKINF OPEN THE DOOR WHILE I WAS PISSING LIKE. NO. FUCK OFFF. shes so annoying she thinks I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me alone for three seconds.

It's like she doesnt even care if I feel good or bad, she only cares about the injury. It makes me want to cut really deep on my forearms or face or something visible like that just so that maybe she'll take me SERIOUSLY but not seriously as in treating me like some patient at a fuckinf ward, I mean seriously like treating me like her son.

Father treats me like his son. He makes me cry even more because I know hes not real... but I still appreciate his love. Even if it's just my love.

I'm really missing that piece, huh? From early childhood, I'm missing that parent who's loving and caring and says shhh I love you its okay.... I didnt ever allow myself to have that becayse I didnt think it was safe. Fuck. FUCK man It hurts a lot and i feel like such a DICKHEAD when I talk about this because it's not like my parents beat me or neglected me.... it just turned out bad. ANd now they're all crazy about me all of a sudden just cos I'm hurting myself .... like okay cool that's cool but why didnt you do all this when I was 5 and told you I felt like I was being possessed, or when i was ten and in a new school with no friends, or when I was 3 telling everyone to call me jack,.... oh, wait, you WERE there,,, you were just hating on me though.

Yknow I hug my pillows real tight at night to try to feel a little smidge of what I should've been able to feel. The parental love is just MISSING. and i hug my dad so much becayse it's not enough its never enough it all feels like it's too late and my brain has already told me to get over my parents and move on and find new ones which I did, in jesus christ, in Jiminy Cricket, in old men I sexted, and now in Father.

But at the end of the day, I still am left without that concrete parental force. I can beg with Father all I want to PLEASE become a physical form so I can FEEL your love but itll never happen because Father's something I made up to cope with the disaster of my childhood.

I'm angry that they took that away from me but I'm also sad because now I have to clean up the sad shreds of popped party balloons from the checkered tiles of an abandoned birthday party.

.... and it's always "oh they want the best for you" WELL MAYBE I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS ARE, MAYBE THEYRE STILL HURTING ME ! MAYBE THEYVE STILL TOTALLY

RUINED

Me,

DESTROYED

my childhood and

SLAUGHTERED

the little boy inside me who just needed some help.

I never did it for attention, I always hid it and pretended to be fine... but I notice they didnt care until I had persistently been injuring myself for YEARS? like it didnt matter to them at all how I felt until I was actually in danger and being harmed. Isnt that actually disgusting?

I just know that if those little blond kids went to their parents talking about feeling out of control, possessed, unable to control their actions while in fits of rage, theyd get the help they needed right away but I was punished for my suffering.

That taught me to suffer more quietly next time around.

I was punished for my gender expression too .... jesus. How... how can you see a kid in pain struggling to prevent themselves from hurting other people and you punish them. How can you see your SON and punish him for not being a daughter.

I feel so bad. They just keep making it worse. I dont want to talk to them. I just... my dad is proabbaly gonna do that thing where he gives the worlds shittiest apology and expects you to just accept it withit 3 mins or else he gets mad and guilt trips you... fuck him too tbh. Hes trying to be all nice but that doesnt ERASE the fact that he used to make me cry constantly. That doesnt erase the time he said basically that I should die, or the time he yelled at me, made me cry, apologized, and got mad at me for not accepting the apology, then expected me to act like none of that happened and got mad at me for still crying, WITHINT LIKE A 5 MINUTE SPAN???? this is the typa shit that fucks up a child. I still remeber being yelled at in the car over my gender, ignored, and beat down whenever I tried to express that things were wrong with me! Jesus.

Father is the embodiment of all I ever needed as a kid... someone who would say "I love tou" when he saw you were crying instead of yelling at you and making it worse and then getting angry that you're crying and like OF COURSE IM CRYING, YOU'RE YELLING AT ME???

and my mom has the audacity to try to convert me to Christianity. Fuck you. As a trans person,... I got tired of putting my faith into something I couldnt see. I never saw a loving god, I only ever saw hatred and anger.

I wanna cry all over again fuck. Everytime I write like this it's a cycle because I just keep writing and never stop.

It's so important to me to be acknowledged as a SON. That's why I named The Red Static Entity "Father"... because that makes me his son. I made him ADOPT me. Because I didnt get to be no ones fucking son and I want it so bad but I dont know if I can ever be on good terms with my parents again because the whole thing has been tainted by my grief and trauma LOLz so even if they try now it just doesnt feel like enough because it never will be because my time to Bond with them has passed... I feel so much guilt over THEIR pain at my self harm but I'm so pissed rn. Fuck them. I'm in such unimaginable pain and they somehow made it all about them and how they feel and how I need to stop crying in time for dinner FUCK YOU. fuck you. You have no right to tell me to stop cutting when you did so much to fuck me up. It's not my fault if you messed up because I think maybe you forgot that children are living human beings.... maybe you "love me so much" but fuck, I dont know if I CAN love you... I dont know if I can ever see you the same after what you've done. You SHOULD feel bad, you should break down crying thinking about me, because FUCK YOU. be guilty, it's how you Should feel. And then they wonder why I dont talk to them.... BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDENT YOU WANNA PLAY NICE NOT BECOS U ACTUALLY CARE BUT BECOS I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Yknow what maybe I should just so that they can see the dead body. I'm imagining it right now... I want them to be DEVASTATED. If I was dead on the floor, itd be impossible to pretend it wasnt there. If I was dead on the floor, they'd cry and wonder what more they couldve done, which is what I've cried and wondered about my shit childhood. It would be a good thing. Serves them right to find their sons corpse. It would show them they fucked up. Maybe theyd wake up and realize that you cant emotionally neglect and mistreat a living human child for like fifteen years.... and expect it to be okay.

[arc-17]

Alright dude. Can you please spell out your feelings about the LGBT+ community so I know completely where you stand. Also, why you think marriage shouldn't apply to same sex love?

Ok…. so… where to begin so everyone understands what has been said and the context.

So.. I’m relatively new to Tumblr. Joined just a couple months ago because of Google leading me to discover this amazing fandom. I made a blog, started reading the mazing posts, started following people and clicking like and reblogging and even managed to get a handful of followers after posting a couple of… rather bad incomplete fanfics. I barely even remeber the post I clicked on some evening but I looked it up and found it again now. It was a poll. “Reblog if for Gay Marriage and hit like if against”. I did what I’ve been doing for years. I’m a conservative, Missouri-Synod Lutheran, Christian from the Midwest. YA CANT GET MORE CONSERVATIVE THEN THAT! LOLSo conservative background, quiet small town upbringing, you don’t get exposed to much. So someone sends an ask about why I don’t support gay marriage. I’m like… woooah I GOT AN ANON ASK! I’m a big-shot! Its a rush! Ok so I ramble something off. Omg if I could take back what I said I would. I’d had some not so good run-ins with not nice people who happend to call themselves gay and bi. So that mixed with my background lead to my responses. But… the more I was asked… the more I started to ask myself. “Why?”Why don’t I? I asked my friends I’d made here by that time to help me understand. Why they were gay? What’s it like. Help me understand why what I said was objectionable? Why did it offend? What all the amazing LGBT+ people here were posting all sorts of stuff. Its… actually pretty cool and I wasn’t offended. And was getting more understanding from the posts and the people who made them. People I’m proud to call friends.

In the mean time some amazing people talked me into putting an idea out there that would later grow into the @choicesfilms projects! Woooah! I got to know so many amazing people from so many walks of life! Its still a rush remembering it!

I then also got more asks like the ones seen in @queenvalgreaves post here:https://queenvalgreaves.tumblr.com/post/166118792424/okay-tbh-i-wasnt-gonna-do-this-but-im-feeling

And some I answered, poorly, then others I havent answered. And I still have them in my inbox because they make me think. Question.Ask Why of myself.

Right now I can say I don’t know where I stand on the issue of Gay Marriage. But I can say that I am for what a friend of mine asked me. And I wanna thank her for her understanding she helped me get.

“…my thing is I fear the thought that if something ever happened to my girlfriend I would lose complete ability to have a say in what can be done for her care. I wouldn’t be able to see her, if we had a child, I would have no legal right to that child. Like think about the idea of having a child with the woman you love more than anything; that is your baby, but that child by law wouldn’t be yours…”

That hit me in the gut. I AM ALL FOR THIS HANDS DOWN.

So while I work things through with my beliefs. In regards to spiritual marriage, bare with me people,  I can say I am NOT against any Rights, Laws, Liberties or Freedoms that Straight People have and LGBT+ do not. I think it should and MUST be equal for all.

PERIOD.

OK SECOND TPOIC!….Pedophile….

It out right disgusts me.. that word… it breaths fire in my veins and makes me want to hunt down the monsters that ARE one…

But as I have attempted to explain here… https://arc-17.tumblr.com/post/166055434641/hey-you-do-know-emma-from-hss-is-15-right

And here.https://arc-17.tumblr.com/post/166120093301/so-you-apparently-made-pedophilic-comments-toward

Now , things said by me, being a fan of the amazing Fictional Character Pixelberry made, named Emma was yes, immaturely stated perhaps but in the same style as the numerous comments made by twentie something ladies here who are fans of Michael, or Aiden, Wes or Mia or Sakura.

But the point is they are fictional. And this is a FANCLUB for the books.

Hopefully this clears everything up on that matter.

On the former matter I do want to thank the people who started sending these asks that got me to introspect myself, and to thank @queenvalgreaves for bringing this subject up and not holding back so the truth could be discussed. She truly does deserve that url. It does the Amazing Character that is Val proud.

Thanks folks- @arc-17

[miamihotlines]

im copying some of my friends by doing an ask thing whoops

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? like, sms? in which case NO 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? thank god not 3. Have you taken someones virginity? no 4. Is trust a big issue for you? yea i have rly bad trust issues 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? no, ive been cooped up in my house making art 6. What are you excited for? SPLAT 2 SPLAT 2 SPLAT 2 7. What happened tonight? i drew and hung out with some comrades on a discord server 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? no? why would i? i just worry if theyll be ok 9. Is confidence cute? im indifferent honestly 10. What is the last beverage you had? green tea 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? i only rly get along with guys so i guess? 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? too many 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? go to pride and have a Swell time 14. What are you going to spend money on next? video games probably 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? NO THANK FUCKING GOD 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? not really 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? i dunno honestly. ever since //d// left me i havent really felt comfortable talking to anyone  18. The last time you felt broken? right now 19. Have you had sex today? no 20. Are you starting to realize anything? my initial feelings during 8th grade were right. 21. Are you in a good mood? ???? 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? sounds fun 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? no, my dad has brown eyes and i have like. poopy brown 24. What do you want right this second? a cute anarcho-boyfriend to cuddle with and play video games with 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? cool i guess. i mean im kind of possessive sometimes but 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yea. i wanna dye it blue but school wont let me 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? i tried that once and uh. lets just say it was terrible 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? ryan’s bara tiddies 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? yes yes yes yes yes yes yes 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Anyone can turn themselves around. 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? a small part of me does. 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? i dont really fully have feelings for him but i guess 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? i do sometimes, im trying to stop 34. Listening to? broken from the plastic beach album 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? mechanical pencils only 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? dont know dont care i hope i never see him again 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? i get infatuated with people but i wouldnt call that love 38. Who did you last call? my dad probably 39. Who was the last person you danced with? i dont dance 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? we were dating and i was on his lap watching anime 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? dont know but now i want one 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? i hug my dad everytime he comes home 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? all the time. i do it in the attempt they notice me 44. Do you tan in the nude? i want to. the sun is good for my acne 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? yes yes yes yes 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? no 47. Who was the last person to call you? my dad 48. Do you sing in the shower? of course i do. really off-key 49. Do you dance in the car? mostly when im with my squad and we listen to eurobeat while drving rly fast 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? no 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? uhhh a few months ago for band 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? no i love them so much 53. Is Christmas stressful? no, but its lost its charm 54. Ever eat a pierogi? a what 55. Favorite type of fruit pie? fruit is dumb 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? a scientist 57. Do you believe in ghosts? ghosts are a spook 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? had one earlier today 59. Take a vitamin daily? i have them but i forget to take them 60. Wear slippers? barefoot or bust 61. Wear a bath robe? no 62. What do you wear to bed? undies only 63. First concert? some christian band i cant remember 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? i fucking hate walmart so target 65. Nike or Adidas? adidas for the A E S T H E T I C 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos. but only the spicy ones 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? does peanut butter count? 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? ...bad blood 69. Ever take dance lessons? no 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? spouse? you think anyone would marry ME? 71. Can you curl your tongue? i think so? 72. Ever won a spelling bee? yeah. i was a big spelling nerd when i was a kid 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? sometimes. 74. What is your favorite book? the communist manifesto 75. Do you study better with or without music? vaporwave helps me concentrate 76. Regularly burn incense? every day 77. Ever been in love? a few times. doesnt happen very often 78. Who would you like to see in concert? GORILLAZ 79. What was the last concert you saw? same as before, some christian band 80. Hot tea or cold tea? cold 81. Tea or coffee? coffee 82. Favorite type of cookie? peanut butter 83. Can you swim well? i can, but not well 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yea but water still gets in my nose 85. Are you patient? no 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ. 87. Ever won a contest? ive won a few art contests in my day 88. Ever have plastic surgery? no 89. Which are better black or green olives? neither olives are gross 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? dont care 91. Best room for a fireplace? a living room with a tv and bear rug 92. Do you want to get married? not really. a ceremony would be nice tho

#ccs modern life

[rangerhanna-56-blog]

You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

[apocatolypsemeow-blog]

God I hate myself

11/19/2017

I’m stuck. The internet has just told me i have a bad life. More and more these days i have been wishing that I had somebody by my side…. Somebody i can wake up to. And everyday i ask myself how do I put myself into that situation? The internet told me that once I get my life together that all these things WILL come to me. But is that true? DO i have to put aside all of the things that make me complacent in order for my dreams to come true? I have to completely change myself (or as they would call it, grow) in order to get what i want? I guess in order for that to be true, then there would have to be something wrong with me right now? But if there is something wrong with me now, and in order for there to not be something wrong with me then (in the future), then in the future I wont have anything wrong with me? There is a guaranteed life of happiness for those that choose to “get there shit together”…. Is that true? For what I can understand, is that people generally don’t have their whole lives together at any point in time, only things they pick and choose to have put together. They choose to be this instead of that, in order to get all those things that they wre told they were supposed to have. This longing, even when i did get what i want, never stops. Feeding that unconscious will to live doesn’t matter, for if it does matter, then there would need be a solution, an end goal, a purpose for the suffering that you live through, and how can you prove that exits? People who say they feel great because they cut out the booze and weed and got a girlfriend and go out and live “normal” lives…. Did they find the solution? Do they not have problems? DO the problems that they have not manifest themselves into different means and effect their lives that they chose to create? And if so, how do they deal with them? I think it’s a cycle of depression based around the fact that i don’t know. I assume one would be begging me to try it out at this point… One would assume that I would be begging myself to try it out as well… But where is my motivation to do so? I’m afraid I would resort back to the person I once was. Weed and booze isn’t the problem for me, its myself. There is something deep down inside me that is woeful and scared and has lived with me for as long as i can remember. And even at my greatest heights of self confidence and self esteem, i never truly lived the absence of that fear. This was before I learned of foreign influences onto my perception, and now I can’t live without it. As far as facing my fears, i face them everyday when i wake up, noticing the passing of time throughout the day, and ending with it starring me in the face as i try to go to sleep. I am an unhappy man, I have been that way since birth, unless blinded by my stupidity and adolencent menace. What i’m lacking is friends, and i have so since i came to Houston. It was easy for me to make friends in nac because I could easily surround myself with people with common interests, or at least mutual understandings about who I am. But now it’s different, now i have to change myself in order to make friends here, im the once who doesn’t fit in, i’m not the cool one anymore. So my discontent isn’t because there is something wrong with me. No, it is becaue I am waiting, as i usually do, for my friend to finally come back into my life. And it’s patience. Things will come. I just have to be patient, and reminding myself of all the things that i don’t have only makes things worse. I won’t fall in line with their group think. I shouldn’t have to. And if im being too cynical, that’s okay. My life isn’t anything special in order for me not to be. I have the freedom to be cynical, if one chooses to call it that. I have the freedom to live my life as an experiment, to see how far down the rabbit hole i can go. The rabbit hole of (depression, addiction, being myself, reclusive) just to see where it will end up.

I have learned that i am not the person that when he invites somebody out, they get exciged to go.

 12/31/2017

Today is New Year’s Eve. The end of a long, exhausting year. What have i learned? Am i more confident? Am i less depressed? You can tell because I am writing this that i am no more mentally stable than when i started the year. I am continually degrating. Look at me, writing a self pity post on new year’s eve. I should be out, having fun, like a normal person. And yet I am sitting on my grandparent’s house wishing I could drink. I don’t give a shit about what they think. You know what my grandparent’s are? They are just old, Christian black people who only think of the world in a bubble. They have no interest in getting to know me as a person. Is that a selfish thing to say? Should i give a shit that my grandparents don’t want to get to know me? That all they are interested in doing is instilling their values upon my corrupted mind. I am such a terrible person in their eyes… If they only knew. I am a disappointment to them, but they “still love me”. Like I need to be reminded of that blanket statement. They “love me”. So? I can’t say  I love them all that much. Why should I? Just because they are my grandparents? I don’t know them at all. They are just people to me, people close to me, only because they are forced to be. If they had their way I would be out of this house in a heartbeat. I feel strong emotions towards them, and I wish they would just go to bed.

Is this how I really feel or do i just want a drink? I am upset because they don’t want me to drink. I am my own man, I can decide whether I can drink or not. It’s about “respecting” their house, but on what basis am I respecting them? What does it mean “respecting” their house? Respecting the fact they don’t drink? Well i drink. And honestly it’s not about drinking, it’s about beign told what to do, and i am sick of it. They are treating me like I am a little kid and i wont have it. I will drink a gallon under their noses to prove that they have no absolutely no control over me. God I am so pathetic. That’s 2017 for you. Ryan Nickerson being pathetic. Making self pity posts that are supposed to prove that I am right, that the world is against me, well guess what Ryan, you are shit, that’s why you havnt graduated college, that’s why people don’t respect you, that’s why people trat you like a kid, why you don’t get called back, why you can’t meet people, why you don’t have a car, why you’re addicted to drugs and alcohol, why you don’t have any friends, why you are continually forcing yourself to think that you are unique and clever and smart and stable and handsome when really you are hanging on a thread that is soon to be broken. You cannot see yourself as much as everybody else can, that’s why you hate looking in the mirror, becaue your selection of your perception is disgusting. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I want to tear into somebody so badly, to make them feel awful.

What does 2017 mean? Is it an actual milestone? Deos it really mater? If i walk into 2018 with this shitty attitude, will it mean 2018 will be bad? Is there any reason to look forward to the next year other than for some arbitrary, cliché reason based on a lie? Is there any room for hope? God I am so pathetic.

God I am so pathetic.

Self pity for the poor.

Confidence for the rich.

I hate myself so fucking much.

I just wish somebody will walk into my life and make me feel normal, make me feel like i am doing something right, something that is ordianary. What did I do to deserve to be treated like I am an exception to the rule? What did I do to feel like an exception to the rule…

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