#because i used to play guitar and i feel like a failure and my dysphoria makes it 100 times worse

[bl00dylavender]

sometimes.

most of the time i’m okay when i’m around you. most of the time i’m me and i’m myself. most of the time we are just two friends laughing together. but there are sometimes. sometimes my dysphoria takes over. and i become a different person. and it makes me hate you. it makes me hate your voice and your muscles and your jokes and your laugh and everything else in between. it makes me angry. it makes me feel robbed. because that should be me. that should be me. i should have the flat chest and the deep voice and the boyish charm and the strong muscles. i should be roughhousing with our other roommates. i should be making sex jokes at you all too. but instead it isn’t. and instead i’m me. sometimes i get enraged. and i want to scream and cry. i want to throw myself at the cold hard ground until i look bloodied and beat up and you can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl you’re looking at. i want to rip the guitar out of your hands and smash it over your head. i want to punch you and scream and yell because you have everything i want. and it isn’t fair. and when these sometimes happen, i feel so guilty afterwards that i can barely look you in the eye. it isn’t your fault. it’s not your fault i was born wrong. but during these sometimes it sure does feel like it.

#trans vent #tw vent #this one is specifically about my one cisman roommate #he brought back his guitar after his trip home and he’s been playing it and it makes me so sad and so mad #because i used to play guitar and i feel like a failure and my dysphoria makes it 100 times worse #is this poetry? #poetry maybe #trans poem #tw dysphoria #dysphoria vent #dysphoria poem #sighhhhh #dysphoria makes me feel silly #i hate being like this #trans #trans ftm #trans ftm vent

[youngfolksrpg]

 WELCOME TO NEW YORK, HARLEY.

Harley Beckett is a 30 year old native residing in Brooklyn. They are a musician + guitar teacher who is known for being adventurous, creative, energetic, helpful, idealistic, predictable, soft, trusting, well-meaning, youthful. Click read more to discover more about this character! Trigger Warnings: Gender dysphoria (not spoken about in too much detail, however).

• • • CHARACTER BASICS

Character Full Name: Harley Blake Beckett. Nickname(s): Beck. Age: 30. Birthday: April 22nd. Occupation: Musician for Gasoline Adventure and teaches guitar out of their home. Birthplace: NYC, NY (Brooklyn). Borough: Brooklyn. Citizen Type: Native. Ethnicity: Caucasian. Nationality: American.

• • • IDENTITY + HEALTH

Gender: Genderfluid. Pronouns: They | Them. Sexual Orientation: Demisexual. Romantic Orientation: Panromantic. Relationship Status: Single. Face Claim: Nico Tortorella. Hair Color: Brown. Eye Color: Grey. Distinguishing Features: Tattoos, tattoos, and more tattoos; They're covered in them and constantly getting more. They're also usually found with a bright smile, regardless of how they're feeling. They’re good at masking what’s on their mind. Personal Style: It depends on the day, but Beck typically wears nice clothes. They enjoy the occasional cliche musician looks, wearing dark clothes, leather jackets, et cetera. On a typical day though, they enjoy more colorful clothes. They put a lot of time into making sure they look presentable, ready to make an impression wherever they are. Physical Health: They are physically healthy. Mental Health: Gender dysphoria.

• • • FAMILY

Parents: Biological parents are unknown + no desire to reach out // Adoptive parents are named Neil & Laurel Beckett. They run a gallery together, with one being a sculptor and one a painter. Relationship with Parents: Their parents are their favorite people in the world. They were just a baby when they were adopted by Neil and Laurel, two loving parents who wanted another child because they had more love than they could give. Laurel also was struggling to get pregnant, so they started adopting. They have always been accepting of everything their children wanted to be, which is why Beck had no fear coming out to them. Siblings: Three siblings, all adopted. Beck is the second eldest of the four of them. Relationship with Siblings: Their relationship with their siblings is just as solid as their relationship with their parents. Certainly, there's fights here and there, but ultimately, Beck feels welcomed by them all. Beck and their oldest sibling were adopted by their parents purposefully, whereas the last two were fosters that ended up getting adopted when their parents realized how much they wanted to keep them, too. Beck tries to stay neutral throughout sibling disputes and stay on everyone's good side for the most part.  Children: N/A. Relationship with Children: N/A. Pets: N/A right now, but definitely open to the pro spect.

• • • PERSONALITY + MUSIC

MBTI: ESFJ. Moral Alignment: Chaotic Good. Zodiac: Taurus. Hogwarts House: Gryffindor.  Alter Ego: A more musically inclined and less political Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec. Personality Traits: Adventurous, creative, energetic, helpful, idealistic, predictable, soft, trusting, well-meaning, youthful. // Beck is a soft person overall. They enjoy being around people and are often seen with a smile on their face. They try not to get into arguments often, only breaking that rule if they feel like they need to stand up for themselves. They had quite a few years of being unable to accept themselves in their late teenage and early twenties years, but Beck has since come to terms with who they are and what kind of person they want to be. They're extremely creative, looking for multiple outlets for their creativeness. Music is the main one, but they have dabbled in art (it was a failure), writing (it wasn't terrible), and many other things. They know that it doesn't matter what most people think of them, always preferring to be who they are above anything. They work hard for what they want and often give off a youthful vibe. Playlist: Beck’s favorite songs. Moon River - Frank Ocean (cover) Amen - Amber Run, London Contemporary Voices Little Red Riding Hood - Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs We Used to be Friends - The Dandy Warhols Mansard Roof - Vampire Weekend Fuck You - Lily Allen Basket Case - Green Day Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie Shit Happens - Late Night Thoughts Superposition - Young the Giant Cringe - Matt Maeson lovely - Billie Eilish, Khalid Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand No Diggity - Blackstreet Loser - Beck Shadow - ARTY Piledriver Waltz - Arctic Monkeys World Gone Mad - Bastille What’s My Age Again? - Blink-182 Late Thoughts - Hanx

• • • WANTED PLOTS

Family!! Beck has three siblings + parents that mean so much to them. Their parents have always made them believe they could be whoever they want to be, which is why no child of Neil & Laurel Beckett's would worry about telling them anything that's going wrong. Two of the siblings (Beck and the eldest) were adopted by Neil & Laurel when they were babies, but the last two were fostered and then adopted. Their family is always the most important thing to them. 

Friends!! Beck is so gd friendly that it would be completely accurate for them to have a ton of friends. Some could be new, some could be old; they're a native, so they would've accumulated quite a few growing up. I imagine they lost some friends when they came out, but they don't dwell on anything like that. Beck needs friends who will accept them for who they are without fail, otherwise they won't get along or stick together for very long. I'd love to have a couple ride or die best friends who have been around through everything. Sharing crayon boxes in kindergarten to sharing a bottle of whiskey as adults?? Pls give me that.

Band mates!! Beck is a part of a rock band that I imagine has an Arctic Monkeys sound, but not quite as much their new album. Beck plays the guitar and sings back up, but I would love to get the rest of his band. Gasoline Adventure will have a request soon enough with all the other members of the band, but if you're interested, hmu!!

Exes and romance things!! When it comes to romance, Beck doesn't shy away from possibilities. Of course, things aren't always easy for them. Between not always feeling like someone is comfortable with their gender fluidity (some people are okay with the concept they've noticed, but are weird when it comes to actually being with them) and being demisexual, their love life has been a bit all over the place. If you have an idea for something in this area though, please let me know!! 

• • • THE PLAYER

Harley Beckett is played by Paige. She is 29 years old and in the CST timezone. Please be mindful of their triggers: incest, rape, student x teacher plots.

#borough: brooklyn #character: harley beckett #character profile: non binary

[toverain]

6, 7, 11, 17

Hi anon! :)

6-  What, in your opinion is your best autism-related quality?

I’ve not known I was autistic for very long (a month or two?) so I’m still figuring things out, but something I really like is how stimming has helped me develop creatively. I used to doodle obsessively in school because I really like the physical feeling/visual satisfaction of shading with pencils, so I learnt how to shade smooth gradients from dark to light areas, and this helps me now when I draw stuff! I have a lot of similar creative stims now like playing guitar/painting watercolours. Basically nice hand feelings and satisfying outcome = Doing The Thing Many Times = getting better at the thing! Of course there’s the “ideas” bit of art/creative stuff too, which isn’t stim-related for me, but having the technical hand movements as stims definitely helps with progress. (Sorry that was long)

I also love having special interests and just getting so into a thing and researching obscure aspects of it and ye its gr8

7-  Which autistic trait gives you the most problems?

In the past I had a lot of meltdowns, which were pretty scary when you have no idea what they are and the best way you can describe them is “like a panic attack but not.”  They mostly happened from extreme frustrations with communication or extreme emotional distress. I don’t get them very much anymore because I’ve done a lot of work on how to communicate with people (*cough* my parents) (Things are better now)

At the moment I struggle with busy places like streets or stations where everyone’s rushing around. Group social situations are really difficult so I prefer to see people one-on-one, and I can’t manage “everyday life” stuff like school/work in a sustainable way very well. At the moment I go to my studio space once or twice a week, but I’m working on it and hopefully I’ll be able to do more soon!

11- What, in you opinion, is the most ridiculous social protocol rule? 

IRL Social beauty/presentation norms. Where I live people my age tend to be very well presented/fashion and beauty conscious,(e.g. going to school with super fancy contouring, smart casual clothes or super thoughtfully constructed outfits). I want to clarify this is 100% A-Ok and good for them! But dressing/wearing make up like that requires a lot of time, energy and money which I didn’t/don’t always have and my failure to look presentable was definitely a factor in the way I struggled to fit in. And then when you add in factors like body image issues and queer gender ID it becomes really hard to find shit to wear that isn’t super freakin expensive and doesn’t make me want to cry/glare at everyone from hyper-sensitivity or dysphoria. This is why I wear hoodies and leggings 24/7 now! Still searching 4 that 10/10 spooky lumberjack aesthetic....

17- Which characters do you headcanon as autistic?

DALE COOPER, Snufkin from The Moomins, lowkey tiffany aching from the discworld, Amelie Poulain...I can’t think of anymore write now but I’m always looking for that Good Representation, so if anyone has anymore feel free to screm at me via inbox

thanks non! Have a great day :D

- Tove

#Im SoRRY this got SO LONG #tove writes stuff #body image mention #dsyphoria mention #personal #Anonymous