#this one is specifically about my one cisman roommate

[bl00dylavender]

sometimes.

most of the time i’m okay when i’m around you. most of the time i’m me and i’m myself. most of the time we are just two friends laughing together. but there are sometimes. sometimes my dysphoria takes over. and i become a different person. and it makes me hate you. it makes me hate your voice and your muscles and your jokes and your laugh and everything else in between. it makes me angry. it makes me feel robbed. because that should be me. that should be me. i should have the flat chest and the deep voice and the boyish charm and the strong muscles. i should be roughhousing with our other roommates. i should be making sex jokes at you all too. but instead it isn’t. and instead i’m me. sometimes i get enraged. and i want to scream and cry. i want to throw myself at the cold hard ground until i look bloodied and beat up and you can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl you’re looking at. i want to rip the guitar out of your hands and smash it over your head. i want to punch you and scream and yell because you have everything i want. and it isn’t fair. and when these sometimes happen, i feel so guilty afterwards that i can barely look you in the eye. it isn’t your fault. it’s not your fault i was born wrong. but during these sometimes it sure does feel like it.

#trans vent #tw vent #this one is specifically about my one cisman roommate #he brought back his guitar after his trip home and he’s been playing it and it makes me so sad and so mad #because i used to play guitar and i feel like a failure and my dysphoria makes it 100 times worse #is this poetry? #poetry maybe #trans poem #tw dysphoria #dysphoria vent #dysphoria poem #sighhhhh #dysphoria makes me feel silly #i hate being like this #trans #trans ftm #trans ftm vent