#because i couldn't help myself but most of this is gen if that matters

[samwpmarleau]

fic: clippers

aka 1,500 words of me continuing to not accept bucky’s tfatws hair

Dr. Raynor had recommended it, though Bucky suspects she wasn’t the only person involved. These days, there’s a whole pack of people with say-so over his life, getting their jollies by hanging freedom over his head. She said it might help with people’s perception of him if he looked less like he did as an assassin. If he looked more like the young war hero who fought Nazis.

(Saving the universe counts for nothing, does it? he’d wanted to say but didn’t.)

It had irked him, the suggestion. Perhaps because it wasn’t really a suggestion. Raynor had thought he was resisting just to be contrary. He hadn’t had an issue with dressing like a twenty-first century civilian, after all, nor concealing his metal arm beneath jackets and gloves, so what’s the problem, James?

(That’s different, he’d wanted to say but didn’t. That’s so I don’t frighten anyone. So I don’t get stared at and invite questions people don’t want the answers to.)

All right, maybe part of him was just being contrary, because he’s already at his wits’ fucking end with how many conditions and surrendering of liberties this goddamn pardon has. But as he stands at the mirror, sharpened scissors in hand, it is not contrariness that makes him hesitate.

Nor is it the unfamiliarity of cutting his own hair, for he’s done that many times before, both before the war and since. He’s even got a picture to reference of some duck-lipped model showing off what Bucky can only describe as Generic Modern Man Haircut. He’d be Just Some Guy walking down the street with it, which is exactly what the government wants.

So, he does it both because he must and because any reason he can think of to not do it sounds pathetic, and although it’s not the fresh sort of cut he’d get from a proper barber, it’s serviceable. A few strategic passes of gel to disguise any unevenness and he’d be good to go.

(He’d tried that once, in Romania, having a professional touch up the ends, had even managed to tamp down his discomfort through the shampooing and smalltalk. The minute the man brandished the scissors and approached Bucky’s head with them, however, it was all he could do to not take those scissors and stab the man in the carotid out of pure reflex. He’d made it to the alleyway outside before expelling the street mici he’d had only an hour earlier, overcome by how easy the murder would have been. How natural. How he could have eliminated the entire shop of innocents before anyone knew what hit them. Erase the security tape, if there was one, and slip back into the ghost he was for seventy years. He’d returned in the dead of night to leave an envelope with a note of apology and a wad of lei and, needless to say, from then on the only blades that touched his hair were his own.)

He doesn’t recognize the man staring back at him in the mirror, once all is said and done. Which is a bit ludicrous; it’s a haircut, not plastic surgery, and for most of his conscious life he’d had short hair. This shouldn’t be any different. Yet, still he stands there in the bathroom with scissors in his hand and a sink full of brunette strands, for far longer than is reasonable.

He sucks it up, eventually, adjusts to the new length — or lack thereof. In fairness, some of it is easier. Showers are shorter, his hair tie budget is nonexistent, the drain clogs with less frequency, and he doesn’t look quite so much like a drowned rat when it rains.

Dr. Raynor is pleased when he shows up. She says it suits him, that it makes him look normal, that folks will have a harder time recognizing him as the Winter Soldier.

(They already don’t recognize me, he wants to say but doesn’t. I could be standing in front of a newscast about myself and no one would notice. I spent the better part of a century in the shadows — you think I don’t know how to hide?)

“James,” she says in that self-righteous way she does so well, “this is progress.”

She must be right, for she’s got that fancy, framed degree up on her wall that says she’s right, and there’s the goddamn pardon thing that means he cannot step one foot over the line no matter how ridiculous that line is. He utters a thank-you to her, white-knuckles his way through the session, and continues trying to cobble together a life.

Sam brings it up one day, after Walker, the Flag Smashers, and Bucky’s tentative integration into the Wilsons’ orbit. “Meant to say, looks good, man.”

It’s an innocuous statement, really. Well, it should be. Sam regards him a little too long, a little too probingly, for Bucky to believe that it is, in fact, innocuous. Sam’s gauging his reaction is what he’s doing, so Bucky denies a reaction that permits any gauging at all. The slight frown that appears between Sam’s brows tells him he succeeded.

Sam keeps up the ruse nonetheless, following it up with a playful insult as to Bucky’s cutting skills. He texts him the address of someone who is, allegedly, the best barber in Louisiana, tells him he made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Bucky goes. It’s not like he’s got anything better to do these days.

He’s the only white guy in the place, which elicits both stares from the other patrons and a hearty laugh from the barber resetting his station. “Sergeant Barnes?”

“How’d you guess?” Bucky deadpans, earning himself another laugh.

He’s gotten better at controlling his fears, his impulses, so the barber’s array of scissors and razors does not send him straight into the alleyway like it did years ago. The soul food from around the corner stays firmly in his stomach. The barber himself — Marcus — is jovial, considerate, and does his best to counter the uneasiness Bucky knows must be rolling off him in waves. Some good-natured shit-talking to cap things off.

Despite it all, when Marcus asks, “Just maintenance, sarge? Or you lookin’ for something new?” Bucky pauses.

And pauses some more, prompting Marcus to ask again, “Mr. Barnes?”

“Sorry,” Bucky says, realizing he’s a few more seconds of silence away from making Marcus genuinely concerned. “I just, uh …”

“I got a few suggestions, if you need,” Marcus offers. “Bit of fade on the sides, or —”

“No,” Bucky blurts out.

Marcus holds his hands up. “All right, no fade then.”

“That’s not — I didn’t mean —” Bucky takes a deep breath through his nose, exhales through his mouth. “I’m not trying to be rude, it’s …”

Bucky looks in the mirror again. Takes in the same face he’s seen for the past seven months, ever since Dr. Raynor gave him the suggestion-that-wasn’t-a-suggestion. He trusts in Marcus’s talents, that even Sam would find it worthy of a compliment.

(He can’t say he’d turn down a compliment from Sarah either, flirting ban be damned. It’d be Sam’s own fault, anyway.)

“I’m growing it out,” Bucky declares, as much to himself as to Marcus.

“Okay, cool. I can see it.” Then Marcus adds, almost pleads, “I gotta at least clean it up. No disrespect, but did you use a hacksaw?”

Bucky lets his mind drift as Marcus’s twang launches into another story. Half an hour later, he comes away with a list of must-watches and must-eats, plus a full pamphlet on how to not fuck up Marcus’s handiwork. After a generous tip and firm handshake, Bucky emerges from the shop feeling … not strange, exactly, but something.

The unspoken change, once it’s noticed in the months afterwards, garners him a variety of responses from the Wilson clan. When Bucky’s birthday rolls around, Sam and the giggling boys go in on a smorgasbord of scrunchies and clips that Bucky’s fairly certain were designed for a six-year-old girl. More seriously, a tin of pomade that Bucky knows is damn expensive.

For Sarah’s part, several hours later, the pain-pleasure of her knotting her fingers in his hair as she gasps out his name like a prayer is, he thinks, a resounding endorsement.

(Dr. Raynor would — possibly literally — smack him in the face with disappointment if she saw. Walker’d taken care of that, though, of her say-so having any bearing on his choices. Not that Bucky plans on sending the man a thank-you note or anything.)

As it nears his shoulders, Bucky supposes it does make him resemble the Winter Soldier. More than the bright-eyed draftee who gave his life for god and country, anyway, or the subject of the post-Snap government’s rebranding campaign.

Except, in his reflection he also sees the fugitive who’d been coaxed by his elderly neighbor into Sunday dinners of enough sarmale and mămăligă and papanași to give even his metabolism a run for its money. The man who’d been gifted new life, goats, and an affectionate nickname by Wakandans who never once looked at him with fear. The reluctant soldier who stood side-by-side with a talking raccoon and Asgardian god against an alien onslaught.

And maybe it’s silly to put so much stock in something as simple as hair. Maybe Bucky’s value system is in worse shape than his ability to tell fact from fiction when he wakes from a dream (a memory?).

But when he stares into the mirror with the Louisiana heat sticking hair and clothes alike to his skin, a house full of scampering feet, bickering, and hot breakfast just outside the door, it is not the Winter Soldier or James Barnes The Upstanding Member of Society that he sees. He sees himself. Just himself.

“You good, Buck?” Sarah asks when he comes downstairs, worry in her eyes. “You were in there awhile.”

“Yeah,” he wants to say — and does, because he can, because it’s the truth. A smile creeps onto his face. “I’m good.”

#idk man i saw some tweets about how bucky is seemingly going back to the long hair for thunderbolts and went oh??? #anyway. there's a bit of #bucky x sarah #because i couldn't help myself but most of this is gen if that matters #also feat. bucky's awful therapist #bucky barnes #christina raynor #sam wilson #sarah wilson #marvel fic #my fic

[pennyserenade]

God Sejanus is so damn special to me. He’s such a unique character and I love him with my whole heart. He carries this belief that he’s somehow abandoned his people, abandoned himself, when he’s doing all he can to put an end to the games but he’s just a teenage boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders and he still feels like he isn’t doing enough despite doing more than anyone ever has before him and all he wants is a better life not for himself but for everyone suffering and oppressed by the capital and he’s just so important to me, like such a pure good hearted person in a world full of hatred and violence and he still thinks he’s not doing enough when staying as kind as he is and keeping his connection to his home was an act of resistance in and of itself

I could talk about him for hours tbh

i'm very happy to be receiving this ask because he's truly been on my mind for WEEKS. i feel oddly protective of sejanus because i think a lot of people have come to view him as weak and annoying---which, i think, is mostly a reflection of the way coriolanus views him. i do think there are conversations to be had about the fact that the decisions sejanus made weren't always sound, but he was meant to serve a foil to coriolanus. every move coriolanus made was calculated, thought out to even the most minute detail at times, and sejanus' were quick, instinctual, done not to impress because they he they had to be done. when arcahne crane was murdered by her tribute, coriolanus hesitated, had to be told by lucy gray to help, and did so because of the cameras. sejanus knelt down and spread bread crumbs over her body, without a single thought about the cameras. he did not care that no one understood this gesture, or that arachne was someone who never treated him with an inkling of respect. coriolanus thought about that-- he thought how she was evil and deserved to get her throat slit, and he thought about how he wasn't her friend, not really, and he even thought it was ironic that he was painted that way later. sejanus was angry at these people but forgiving, good, and he spoke out vehemently against their games and as often as he did because he hoped against hope; he wanted to reach them because he felt that he could. in all of his anger, sejanus never robbed these people of their humanity the way that they did the district people, because he knew how erroneous it was. the fight would not be worth fighting if he felt, even for a second, that there was no one to listen.

i also love that his identity is shaky; that, even though he has fierce, unapologetic ties to district two, he knows that they don't view him as one of their own. this is one of the parts that i find myself relating to the most when it comes to sejanus. i think many first gen latines can and do feel the same way. it is an odd experienced to be othered by your own and simultaneously hated by what you're 'meant' to be. sejanus could not readily fit in to the capital no matter how hard he might've tried, and he couldn't fit in to the districts because he was too 'capital' in their mind, just for the mere fact that he'd been sent there and taught there. and you do feel endlessly guilt about it -- at least in my experience -- and it is hard to contend with. you can carry on their traditions and love what you are and defend it until you are blue in the face, but what happens when they are in the cage and you stand on the other side, privileged? and like -- this is a real life thing that happened! they put children in cages. i wish with EVERYTHING in me that people would start talking about the parallels between the events in the ballad of songbirds and snakes and trump presidency because that's what it's talking abt!!! it is no coincidence they casted who they casted

#misc. #sejanus plinth #i'm always going to make this a latine thing bc it is a latine thing

[whoiwanttoday]

Hey guys, we're posting some Rogue today because X-Men 97 is here, a show I don't think I care much about except here I am posting Rogue because at the end of the day I deeply care about the X-Men in a way you can only really care about things that were a formative part of your existence. The show is likely to not be for me, it will sort of annoy me because I have a pretty negative reaction to nostalgia and don't watch shows for children so whichever way it goes, a kids cartoon or Gen X nostalgia bait I am expecting to not love it but it is the X-Men so it will be a thing I will be aware of and hear about and on some level care about no matter what. In the 1960's and early 1970's all the horniest comic book fans read Legion of Superheroes, which sounds crazy to anyone who is currently googling Legion of Superheroes but it was basically written as a romance comic set in a sci-fi future with teenage superheroes so it encouraged legions of adoring, horny fans who wrote the earliest versions of fan fiction. Anyway, by the late 1970's that had shifted to the X-Men. The X-Men were where the horniest fandom was and that persisted for a long time. It was still true when I was a kid and no doubt that infected me. Among the many characters I had a crush on, Rogue was one and it helped that she was hot cause they're all hot but she was also the horny character through the 80's. I mean, she was a teenager who couldn't be touched and spent all her time wishing she could be touched and it wasn't that subtle. Horny was one of her main character traits. Anyway, we are posting 90's Rogue today and the attraction there that I had and many, many a fan had is maybe not great. I will forgive myself and others though because I was 13 and shy and still discovering things. We all make mistakes but we grow and improve. The X-Men has always been metaphorically strong and it never works as a one to one comparison, which is a good part of it's strength. It's no longer a metaphor then, it's an analogy and not only does it lose it's power, it loses it's power then. The strength is the flexibility, that a writer can write a story that is representative of a specific experience (or maybe different experiences, this is the joy of art) and the next writer can write about a different one. This is the joy of art. It is why so many teenagers are drawn to the comic, because for all it's civil rights metaphors, it's also just about a group of unaccepted outsiders who hit adolescences and suddenly the world feels hostile. Everyone feels like an unaccepted outsider at some point as a teenager and everyone feels like the world hates them at some point.

Among the X-Men, in the early days, Rogue was an outsider among outsiders. She wasn't liked or accepted and I think a lot of people connected with that feeling. Even among the freaks I am unloved. But then we get to the part where she couldn't be touched. She was desperate for it and it was common enough in fan fiction that I know it was not a unique thought for many a lonely teenager to essentially have the thought, "But if I could touch her. If I was the only one then she'd have to choose me". Not great and no one phrased it that way but it's a big part of why she was one of the most fantasized about X-Men. She's desperate, I have a chance. It's wild that a fictional character we still need to come up with reasons to disappoint ourselves. Psylocke wouldn't have given us the time of day but what options does Rogue have? It's awful but we were kid. She also was brash and loud and funny and heroic. She was compelling because she was the first to rush into battle often and throw a punch, often a big mistake because Rogue fans might not like me saying this, traditionally she is not as smart as she thinks she is. I am not calling her dumb but she strikes me as the type who thinks she's a genius when she thinks of some trick that everyone on Earth has thought of before. It's also why she's great. She's someone with a really big heart and a lot of empathy for others, she has to, she's had it hard and the option there is bitter villain or kind hero. She became a hero because of her innate goodness. And 90's Rogue was great. She was best friends with a very clearly closeted Iceman and offered him support against his bigoted parents. And there is the savage land bikini. Anyway, that's all why she is here, cause I love the X-Men and I adore her. When I assemble my brains version of the best X-Men teams, she's on 3 of my favorite teams. That's pretty good. Today I want to fuck Rogue.

#Rogue #brunette #Superhero #fictional #whoiwanttofucktoday

[sugars-fluffy-escapes]

Hiii! I left a comment on one of your fics before but I just wanted to say thank you. As a autistic person myself, I feel super super safe on your blog and accepted. A while back in the early days of tumblr and wattpad, readers with autism, ADHD, and other disabilities weren't necessarily included in fics, it may of been rare but I never was able to find a fic with someone like me in it. The disabled community is getting more and more inclusive and I am so happy.

Thank you for making my heart happy with your beautiful and well written fan fics, I can't wait to see what you have up your sleeve next!!

MYHEARTAHSHDHJFJFJR 😭💖 /p /pos

^ (/p)

This message 🥹 has absolutely made my day!!! As someone who spent their middle and high school days reading a lot of fics, there were so many times where I couldn't put myself in place of "Y/N" because they didn't feel like me (be it the actions, dialogue, descriptions about appearance, etc). When I started this blog, I was hell-bent on making sure people like myself who've been underrepresented in the fic community feel represented positively, and hell-bent on figuring out how to write comfort fics without glamorizing or romanticizing the heavier parts of the stories. Representation matters so much /gen

I think, that had I seen fics where the reader had ADHD and ASD when I was younger, that maybe I could have started my Autism screening process sooner. I was looking for answers to what I couldn't explain as just being ADHD for a long time, but what started my self reflection and research months leading up me finally gathering the courage to talk to my doctor and get a referral, was seeing so many characteristics of Spencer Reid in myself, specifically socially. /gen (I felt personally called out every other episode 😭💀 /lh)

Representation matters so much because it makes people feel seen and heard. To know that this blog has helped people who are underrepresented, feel safe, included, and represented, is the most uplifting and inspiring news 🥹💜💜💜 /gen /p

Thank you again for this message! I'm getting choked up typing all this out but they're happy tears!!! I hope I can continue to bring joy with my fics! /gen

~ Ushu ❤️ (/p)

(Also thank you for including an Eddie gif /gen 🥹 I love that nerdy metalhead)

#sugar-answers #sugar-rambles #sugar's a happy tearful disaster /lh /pc

[senkuplushie]

I posted 295 times in 2022

That's 295 more posts than 2021!

60 posts created (20%)

235 posts reblogged (80%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@megacarapa

@alexlovebug

@stonesparrow

@shishiodtorasstuff

@sengenarchives

I tagged 120 of my posts in 2022

#dr stone - 54 posts

#senku - 47 posts

#drstone - 46 posts

#senku ishigami - 44 posts

#ishigami senku - 41 posts

#drst - 40 posts

#dcst - 36 posts

#gen asagiri - 13 posts

#asagiri gen - 13 posts

#anime - 12 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#but then i remembered what i heard about him studying social rules and human minds because he wanted to better understand people

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Fever- Senku x Reader [More Angsty Fluff... 🌧]

        Oof... I'm never gonna stop beginning new stories that I'll never finish, huh? Oh, well. I gue\ss it's fine, as long as I'm keeping myself occupied ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ the angst is much lighter with this one, but I still included it because of how worried [y/n] becomes.

        Not me trying to write a fic about a scientist with the flu when I hardly know anything about medicine 🤡

        Time period: Mid season 2, shortly before Chrome was rescued from Tsukasa [my memory is a little fuzzy...]

        a quiet sigh escaped your lips, which were mildly chapped as a result of the dry winter, as you stared into the laboratory. you knew senku had gone much longer without any sleep, but it still worried you to see him up and working after at least three days of him not having even a bit of rest. there was nothing that even you, his partner of one year, could do to convince him to lie down for just a few hours.

        the lack of sleep really can't be good on his immune system, and it doesn't help that flu season is starting... fuck.

        the scientist was clearly exhausted; there were bullets of sweat running down his face, he was obviously struggling to stand, and you could tell it was taking all of his energy for him to resist the urge to faceplant onto the table.

        still, you didn't bother to say anything. no matter what you did or said, senku always brushed off his physical condition like a minor inconvenience. trying to reason with him about it almost always felt like talking to a wall.

        although, you didn't want to waste any more time, so you decided to return to the tasks that had been assigned to you. at least, that was the case before you heard a thud from the aforementioned lab.

        concerned, you poked your head around the corner of the doorway.

        you found senku lying on the floor, although he didn't seem to be injured. instead, he looked rather relaxed; his eyes were half-lidded, and he was looking up at you with a small smile.

        "uh...? what are you doing?" you asked worriedly.

        "mm... i'm just gonna take a nap..." he replied, visibly disoriented.

        shit, that's not like him.

        "...on the floor? wait, no, don't--"

        before you could say anything else, senku seemed to have already drifted off to sleep--not only that, but he'd readjusted his position and hugged your leg before doing so.

        "um... okay, then..."

        you were tempted to leave him there and let him get some sleep, but you knew better. there was a high chance that, rather than simply being exhausted, he could've contracted some kind of illness--most likely the flu. thanks to the god-awful amount of manual labor you had done, you didn't find it horribly difficult to pick him up. you carried him over to the treehouse, carefully laid him over your shoulder, and made your way up the ladder.

        there were quite a lot of random containers lying around on the floor from a previous experiment, so you cleared those out of the way before placing him down on the sock-like sleeping bag. at the same time, you couldn't help but notice how abnormally warm he felt, along with how much sweat was dripping off of his forehead. well, damn. that's definitely a fever--feels like a pretty severe one, too.

        even though you were a bit frustrated at him for not being more careful to avoid catching the illness, you still sat beside him to make sure nothing terrible happened while he was asleep.

        thanks to the lack of advanced medicine, you couldn't help but feel worried for senku. who knew how severely the virus would end up affecting him? especially when considering his already-weakened state, there were so many ways it could've turned out--most of them absolutely awful. even if it didn't end up killing him, you knew very well that the poor guy was going to be absolutely miserable. a more twisted part of you hoped he would remain unconsious because of the fever for most of the time he suffered with the sickness, so he wouldn't have to deal with it as much, but you knew that would definitely have its own complications.

        every few minutes, you found yourself repeatedly placing the back of your palm on his forehead to make sure his fever wasn't getting any worse. it never really did, even though you occasionally tricked yourself into believing it was [out of anxiety].

        a few hours passed before you decided to stand up. still, you didn't consider leaving the ill scientist's side in the slightest. as far as you knew, his condition wasn't getting any worse--though, it wasn't seeming to get any better, either.

        then, as you took a few steps away, you heard a quiet "nooo..."

        you looked down, only to see senku staring up at you with a--highly uncharacteristic--sad, pleading expression. he reached out and grabbed weakly onto your leg again.

        oh... damn. it must really be messing with his head, if he's acting like this. i know fevers can make you disoriented, but this seems like a whole new level.

        "what's wrong?" you asked, deciding to play along.

        rather than responding, senku only hugged your leg a bit tighter and moved a bit closer to you. "don't gooo..."

See the full post

41 notes - Posted September 6, 2022

#4

😊

49 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#3

Senku Headcanon #1- Period stuff...?

        Yeah, this isn't really my kind of thing, but I'm having those issues and need an outlet or comfort source of some kind- :') hope you enjoy! Some of these work better in a modern AU, but most of them will work for either that or the canon plot

        I know, I should be working on my requests, but this was quick, and I don't think it should take too long for me to write the request. Hang in there, anon <3

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

-Senku will try to act like he's basically indifferent to it, but it kills him to see you dealing with the cramps :(

-Sends Yuzuriha or another close friend to get you a steady supply of pads/tampons/whatever you prefer to use, pain medicine, and whatever food(s) you happen to be craving

-^He claims to do that so he "doesn't have to deal with the annoying cashiers (or general vendors, if in Ishigami Village)", but he actually just wants to stay with you for as long as he can, as he knows his presence makes you feel at least a little bit better

-At night, he'll cuddle you noticably more often [shh, don't tell him you can notice], and he'll hold you just a teeensy bit tighter than normal--not enough to make your cramps worse, of course!

-He's probably memorized almost everything about your cycle [what days it occurs, how long it lasts for, how it typically affects you, what days are the worst, and everything along those lines], and he'll become heavily concerned if even one thing seems off; chances are, he'll list every single possibility of what could be going on from memory.

-Thanks to his insane amount of knowledge about the body, he'll always try to understand the science behind whatever problem you're dealing with. It would probably get annoying for you sometimes, and both of you might end up feeling bad if you get too irritated by it. Poor guy's just trying to help 😔

-Y'know how he's always going on about science-y stuff? Well, if you happen to also be passionate about science, he'll talk about it with you at least twice as often now--again, he's trying to do everything he can without making it obvious how much he cares. Plus, if there's a specific field of science you love more than any of the other ones, most of his science-based speech will be about it

-Even though Senku hardly ever holds back when he's talking, even if he knows it could upset somebody, he's still pretty cautious about what he says around you + probably backs off quickly

-If you were assigned female at birth but identify as something else, he'll go out of his way to frequently mention how androgynous/masculine/[however you want to appear] you look/act/etc, because he knows this is probably even tougher for you... aw, I could really use it right now

-Bonus: If any of those stereotypical, dumb misogynists started complaining about you mentioning your cycle, Senku would definitely start lecturing them about it--and certainly without sparing any of the details that people tend to find "gross." In fact, he'd probably talk about those more than anything to piss the idiot(s) off <3

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

        This is pretty rough, thanks to how drained I'm feeling today, but I hope this made at least one person out there happy! I still have no doubts about the last part, though

55 notes - Posted September 8, 2022

#2

Senku x Reader- "Finally..." [Modern]

        Basic plot: [Y/N] has moved far away--as in, practically across the world-- from Senku for university, and their mutual friends (Taiju, Yuzuriha, and Gen) decide to surprise him on his birthday by bringing [Y/N] along when they visit him to wish him happy birthday; of course, it turns into **something more** after the other three leave. I know, that made no grammatical sense, sorry-

        Also, I found a really cute fanart of "senguin" [onion boi in a penguin costume], but I couldn't find the artist, so I ended up not adding it here. Here's a link to it, though: www.pinterest.com/pin/1006836060419035072/

        "Are you sure he's in there?" you quietly asked Gen, who peered in through the window.

        "I'm certain," the mentalist replied. "Look, he's in the kitchen."

        Taiju and Yuzuriha stepped beside him to peer inside, although you didn't take the risk of letting the scientist see you. Your arrival was meant to be a surprise, after all.

        "Well, then, I guess it's time," you spoke. "Once I'm behind the bush, you should knock on his door. Text me when you're ready."

        All three of them nodded, and you quickly made your way over to the bushes and hid as you waited.

        It took a while, but you eventually heard Taiju loudly declare that Senku had opened all but one of the presents, followed by the sound of your phone buzzing to alert you of a text. You smiled; it had been so long since you'd gotten the opportunity to meet your partner face-to-face. Not only were you thrilled by the idea of finally hugging Senku again and doing practically everything else you could to let him know how much you missed him, but you also couldn't wait to see how happy he was going to be, even if he tried to hide it.

        It took all of the--already miniscule--bit of self-control you had to stop yourself from charging inside and flinging your arms around him. Instead, you had to wait for one of your friends to text you, so you could know when to sneak in.

        Thankfully, you heard your phone go off again a few moments later.

        "he's blindfolded, I'm on my way outside so I can bring you in without him hearing your footsteps <3 can't ait-way to see the look on his face"

        You laughed at the message as you waited for Gen to come around the corner. Thankfully, he didn't take too long.

        Your best friend then silently guided you inside, and to where Senku sat as he waited to "receive" his next gift.

        "Okay, stand up! Stand up!" Taiju cheerfully exclaimed as he--unsurprisingly--looked as if he was getting ready to cry tears of joy.

        "Jeez, calm down. I'm up, I'm- ahh! What the fuck?!"

        Before poor Senku could even finish speaking, you had jumped at him in a full-force tackle-hug. Not too shockingly, he immediately began squirming in your grasp and trying his hardest to break free. You didn't want to torture him, though, so you let go after a little while.

        "Holy shit, [y/n], I... had no idea... your grip was... that strong..." he sighed before untying and pulling off his blindfold.

        "Aw, how did you know it was me?" you asked as you fought back the urge to say something extremely cheesy about him "feeling it deep in his heart".

        "Well, the oaf would've ten billon percent crushed my entire skeletal system if he did that, Yuzuriha wouldn't have tackled me, the old man's away, I don't have any other real friends, and Gen doesn't really know me, so that was the only logical conclusion. Plus, birthdays are perfect for sappy reunions like these," Senku replied a bit wearily while dusting himself off.

        "Well, damn. I missed you, too."

        Senku breathed another sigh. "What? You asked me a question, and I answered it."

        "Yeah, yeah, I know. It's okay, 'cuz I know you missed me a ton, anyway," you teased.

        "H-he did! He really, really did!" Taiju added while sobbing into a tissue.

        You laughed softly and sat down beside your scientist, who was blinking a bit faster than normal and breathing a bit shakily. To be fair, you were on the verge of tears, as well.

        I know this is a really short one, but that's only because this is actually part one of a 2-part oneshot! Heh... the next part is actually gonna be a lemon, and I couldn't be more excited about that. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If you're reading this on Quotev, it's only going to be on Wattpad and Tumblr, though [and maybe AO3, if they ever let me in]. I'll put the links here when part 2 is finished!

        Update: So, uhm, about that. I had to take part 2 down for personal reasons. 😔

60 notes - Posted September 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I had an idea. You know that scene where kohaku and senku fake a kiss. What if instead

*it's the reader instead of kohaku

*senku and the reader like each other but they don't know of the others feelings

*it's a real kiss not a fake one close to the lips

        Requested by: anonymous [Tumblr]

        aaaa I'm so sorry for how long this took! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·. I've been struggling with a lack of motivation, and it also took me a while to find the right chapter in the manga [I was too dumb to just do a quick search for the scene...]

        There's a bit of writing before the actual scene, so I'll add a read more cut for you to skip to if you don't want to read it. [on Tumblr, anyway]

        Bit of a warning: implied!non-binary!reader, possible hints at gender dysphoria [very minor]. I'll try to remember to post another version without that stuff, though. There's also a little angst between Senku and the reader later on in the chapter, but it's nothing super heavy!

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

        You sighed, rather annoyed by the idea of wearing a dress. "Come on. I'm sure I can make myself look cute, or whatever, without something like that."

        "I'm sure you can, [y/n], but we really need to raise our chances of being chosen as much as we can if we want to infiltrate the enemy camp," Kohaku replied as she, somewhat ironically, stared dubiously at the outfit she was given.

        "Plus, it doesn't have to be super frilly or exaggerated; simple outfits can be cute, too!" Amaryllis added with a slightly nervous smile.

        Senku, too, even pitched in. "I mean... I'm technically wearing a skirt, too, and I don't look too girly. I think that's what you're worried about, anyway."

        Trying your best not to sigh again, you took the neatly folded outfit Amaryllis passed you. It consisted of a simple, robe-like, [favorite color] dress, along with a thin obi and a pair of uncomfortably high-heeled shoes. To be fair, it wasn't as bad as you were expecting, but you still felt a bit insecure about wearing it.

        You looked nervously over at the scientist whom you had not-so-minor feelings for. He was picking at his ear with his finger while looking away from Kohaku, who had begun to change into her outfit in front of literally everyone.

        "What?" the aforementioned genius asked when he noticed the way you were looking at him.

        "...Nothing," you replied. Although, you couldn't help but feel a bit flustered when he gazed at the outfit in your hands, then up at you, and began to look as if he was lost in thought. He snapped out of it only a few seconds later, but it didn't really help you feel any better. [Good thing you didn't notice the blush on his cheeks.]

        After another minute or so of awkwardness, you slipped into the nearby bushes to change into the new clothes. 'Well... at least the people who see me won't know me for too long.'

        "[Y/n], get behind me!" Kohaku ordered as she tried her best to dodge and shield you from Kirisame's attacks.

        "Right!" you responded. Though, to be honest, you were already planning on hiding behind her, anyway. Kohaku was much better at dealing hits than taking them, but she was still far more durable than you were.

        Then, you had an idea.

        There was a word only you and your fellow Kingdom of Science members knew--one that these semi-primitive warriors and villagers had likely never even heard of.

        You began to draw in as deep of a breath as you could, hoping that you wouldn't shatter the eardrums of everyone who stood around you--including yourself.

        ...

        "LAB!!"

        Both Kohaku and Kirisame, despite how focused they were, stopped in their tracks.

        "Lab! That's what I absolutely want! I don't need anything else!" you continued to shout, ignoring the confused looks on their faces.

        "La... Lab?" Kirisame uttered, confused. Though, she still didn't take her eyes, which were narrowed with focus, off of Kohaku in the slightest.

        Soon enough, both Senku and Gen naturally came running over--that is, after Gen lightly teased your beloved "Lab-kun" about how much you wanted to see him. In spite of the dangerous situation, you couldn't help but laugh a bit to yourself. Heh. I'm definitely gonna start calling Senku that now.

        Though, before you could say anything else, you felt Gen lightly wrap his arms around both you and Senku.

See the full post

83 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #oh fuck... #ik people talk about remembering cringe memories from 10 years ago but just my two-month-old posts are making me wanna puke

[crystu-cii]

XDD

I f e e l that pain in my soul-- my older sister uses cologne sometimes and it is sO STRONG AND WILL NOT STAY CONFINED TO HER ROOM-- AMD SOMETIMES SHED DO IT IN THE DOORWAY LIKE HELLO-- XDD

YEAH WH GET SOME SLEEP LEAVE THE STAYING UP TO US-- XDD

YES BABY JAIL, INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN LAUNDRY BASKET YOU KNIFE-WIELDING HEATHEN-- XDD oms XDD well I don't know them but I love them- YESSS THEYRE SO FLUFFY-- I'm actually curious what images pop up first imma check-- FLUFFY PUPPIES-- we've actually never owned ones that fluffy(those actually look more similar to shetland sheepdogs than the shelties we've had so far?? Very similar/similar enough where if someone doesn't know a sheltie we mention shetland sheepdogs), our current one is a purebred that we got for free(she was being given away bc her family never came back for her and the lady taking care of her couldn't afford the time to take care of a second dog long-term think) and she's got pretty short fur in comparison- still fluffy enough, but not quite so long of fur-- she's a blue merle(absolutely gorgeous fur, she's like 8 now with a lot of health problems but she's super loving still 💕💞) anyways about the fur, so long as you brush regularly you should mitigate most of that, and it mostly collects in corners- but like.. be prepared to eat and wear dog fur for the rest of your life-- (actually there's a thing called a fur zapper we bought recent that you put in with your clothes when you wash/dry them(I think it's dry but idk??) that's supposed to get a lot of hair off your clothes in that process? Also lint rollers are your best friend--) AND roombas are really helpful(we bought a knockoff one and rarely have to sweep ever so 👀) XDD WHEEZE I can't even imagine what you did-- but like you could ask for a budgie/parakeet /hj I mean, they aren't very expensive (actually they're pretty cheap) but they're very loud, need a lot of attention(especially if you want them to bond to you!) and you need to research into them a lot to make sure you're doing things right-- loads of vids online!! Loads of websites too!!! I'd know I have one- JUST A WARNING, FEATHERS AND SEED HULLS GET ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR XD p l u s like you have a friend who knows stuff about birbs :3 anyways ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME WOW THAT GOT LONG--

💕💕 I feel that XD OMS-- I WISH-- WHAT A D R E A M - s n a k - Awww but what a mood XD

XDDD oms YES-- EXACTLY-- XDDDD another good thing you should try eventually is SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE WHICH IS APPARENTLY DELICIOUS??? I TRIED IT FOR THE FIRST TIME(AT LEAST IN A WHILE) TODAY AND IT WAS SO FUCKIN TASTY????

H E A THEN-- XDD how cool of them to try tho :3 whEEZE Y 'A LL-- XDD

WHEEZE I SUCK WITH INSTRUMENTS SOOOO-- DAMN THA'S SOME BAD LUCK MY DUDE-- MAYBE YOU'RE CURSED DAMN-- oms wOWW--

Yesss-- ooh I've never played 👀 seen some stuff but never played-- (see: my computer sucks XD) I h a v e played Portal 1 and it is SO GOOD and SO SHORT and I WISH I HAD GOTTEN PORTAL 2 INSTEAD BUT THATS OKAY CRIES-- YESSSS THE SONGS SLAP--- ALSO THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO WHOLE MORE CANON(PROBABLY KINDA MAYBE NOT?? IDK) SONGS, ONE FROM A LEG DIMENSIONS GAME("You Wouldn't Know") AND ONE THAT WAS CUT FROM PORT TWO("Don't Say Goodbye"(Harry101UK made an edit to make it Glados' voice!!)) THERE ARE ALSO A BUNCH OF GOOD FAN SONGS SO YEAH-- ALSO NOT TO BE A SIMP BUT GLADOS' VOICE? PERFECTION. I LOVE HER. ALSO I COULD LITERALLY DETAIL THE PORTAL LORE I AM INCREDIBLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS GAME-- ALSO THERES A CLIP THAT SOMEONE MADE USING A (VERY GOOD) GLADOS TTS TO HAVE GLADOS SAY TRANS RIGHTS AND ENBY RIGHTS AND IF I FIND IT AGAIN ILL SEND IT TO YOU-- YOU COULD PROBABLY FIND IT IF YOU LOOM UP GLADOS SAYS TRANS RIGHTS? IT HAS A VIDEO WITH TRANS FLAG COMPANION CUBES ACCOMPANYING IT-- ALSO YES THE PORT MODS(/ADD-ONS? MAYBE? THEY'RE COMMUNITY MADE I THINK BUT IDK ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEYRE COOL AF--) (also I apologize for all the screaming? XD it's like, four am and I was talking about portal so.. whoops?)

Right like wth???? I???? Okay but like December to February babies just fuckin DONT EXIST IN THIS GEN OR SOMETHIN-- CAUSE I FIND N O N E -- Maybe there are more December babies but there are definitely like NO January to February babies it is So Weird--

NEJFQOBGKW WOWW d an g like-p l e a se s t op over sp r aying-- xD and LEGITTTT LIKE- THAT WAS M Y ROLE TO STAY UP LATE- XDD

WHEHEHEZE- LAUNDRY BASKET TIME- G E T I N XDD anD YESS- any doggo is just such a cute doggo 😭💞💞 but for me- fLUFFY ONES ARE WHERE ITS A T- and ohhhh i see- FOR FREE?? W H A T A S T E A L XDD but awwww the poor doggg at least she's with you now ! ;0;; 💞💞😭 aaw such a lovable puppup 😭😭💞 and oHHH i see :00 but oh no- xD i also have a friend that has two dogs and whenever he would give me gifts- there would be dog hair on them no matter what- XDD and ooOhhh those sound really helpful! omg- i swear i dont have to have a pet for the need of a roomba- i already shed so much hair myself its so crazy-- xDD and oH MAN loud animals are really gon get my mom fired up- and OO birds just look so cuteee i always fantasize of having one- but then again- with the noise and all xD the more i think about it i dont think we are prepared to have a pet at all xD but i still dream of at least having one pet in my lifetime!

and OO that sounds awesome!! i have no clue if i even tried casserole before- man- sometimes i just eat food without even knowing wth it is XDDD but THAT SOUNDS so gooodddd :O

and LEGITT LIKE- TF IS HAPPENING WITH MY SCHOOL LIFE- XDD and oh my god- IT GETS WORSE- that year there was a FREAKINGG FIREEEEEEE- it wasnt that dangerous thank god- but it had to get a whole ass room renovated because of it- and guess what room it was- THE ORCHESTRA ROOM- AND GUESS WHAT M A D E I T W OR SE- that year- it was the first time the school replaced those 10+ year old instruments with new ones- NOW THEYRE B U R N T- and mind you that the school's budget isnt so- gr e a t- like oh my god i am still so bewildered over HOW MUCH chaos HAPPENED that year- and i thought that year was gon be the year- yknow? like UGH

and OHH MANN playing portal sounds awesome! but i just dont think the game would be worth my money cause i know the plot- and even with the mods and all my brain would be broken as i would possibly have no clue what to do- xDDD

and HOOOO MANNN game fan songs are just so AWESOMEEE- and those sound pretty cool! :OO and HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH- GLADOS SAYS TRANS AND ENBY RIGHTS Y A LL- now im gonna look that up and let my ears be blessed by such words- XDDD and DONT WORRY BOUT SCREAMING ALOT- i scream a whole dam lot too XDD

and LEGITTT- finding someone's b-day in january and feb is so rare all of a sudden like wh a t - XDD

#the rambles of crystu #even tho we are legit friends on discord- ima still answer these XDDD

[haaliya]

A Deeply Personal and Candid Story on my Father Wound: Tidbits of Knowledge to Deepen my Empathy and Love for Myself and Others

Ahhhh, my father. My father is the quintessential Sagittarius sun AND moon. He is bold, honest, enthusiastic, philosophical, optimistic and lucky but also consistently angry, emotionally distant, hurtful, sarcastic, cruel and aloof. I, as well as many Western member of Gen-Z, I have been inundated with Instagram posts, Tik-Toks, Tweets and memes that address childhood traumas and its negative impact on the previous and current generations. Whether it be a serious analysis of the effects of childhood wounding floating throughout the Twitterverse, or a Tik-Tok that makes humor of a seriously fucked up and traumatic childhood experience while simultaneously making the viewer chuckle and feel seen. I am thankful to live during an era where therapy attendance is not only popular but encouraged among the masses. Despite this, there is a pervasive notion amongst Gen-Z that is somewhat victimizing... Sorry. I know. Victim is an extremely touchy word that insights a variety of loaded emotions and negative associations. In this case I intentionally and purposefully use the word victim because I have noticed that constantly focusing on the ways in which our parents, but in this text fathers specially, have traumatized us encourages a sense of hopelessness and victimhood to deeply manifest within the psyche. "After all, we didn't choose our parents BUT they CHOSE to have us!" Is something I consistently repeated to myself in the moments where the resentment towards my father and his inability to do "right" by me exploded. At one point this sense of despair and sorriness I felt for myself lead me, as well as so many others, down the rabbit hole of ifs. If dad was here... If dad was honest... If dad didn't cheat on mom... If dad loved me... If dad respected me... If dad protected me...If dad saw me...If dad could keep a job and provide, If dad never left... Harping on past circumstances far out of our control is exrutiatingly depressing and induces sensations of hopelessness, feeling as if we have no control. "I couldn't choose my father and look how everything he did ruined me...what things can I even control?" I don't quite remember exactly when it happened but at one point in my college years, in my own process of self-pity, I recognized how deeply narcissistic my perspective was. I am not the first, or the last person to be wounded by my father. I am not the first or last girl to have daddy issues. I am not the first and I won't be the last girl to lay eyes on the most destructive, untrustworthy and emotionally unavailable guy and say "Thats the one!! I love him!!" While the presence or absence of another person's trauma does not invalidate our own, I found solace in knowing that others felt what I felt, done what I've done, and seen what Ive seen. Harping on the childhood wounds and the ones I accumulated through traumatic relationships was not actually improving my sense of self worth, my confidence and my relationships with men. This post is not intended to absolve fathers from their role in wounding children. This text is my testimony laced with tidbits of information that helped me consciously decide to transmute my paternal wounding into a learning experience that deepened my ability to empathize and forgive not only my father, but myself. It wad excruciatingly difficult for me to forgive myself for thins I did and allowed. I was unaware that my ability to forgive my father was karmically tied to my ability to forgive myself. When you can extend grace to others, you can more readily extend it to oneself. No matter who you are the wounds passed down from the father will dictate how you are able to receive and give love, and alters the way one practices discernment in dating. Awareness of one's wounding is an important step in the process, but it cannot be the all end be all. Transmuting paternal wounding into radical empathy and unconditional love was required of me, if I was to ever have a relationship with a man that would be even a tiny bit healthy. Had I continued down that path, my lover with wound me in all the ways my

father did and likely wound my children in the same way I was. Somatically feeling genuine empathy and forgiveness for my father on a deeply visceral level is a point I needed to reach to cultivate my own sanity and peace. If you are reading this and your father was deeply evil and committed horrifically malicious acts against you or was even absent your whole life, this is still for you. Nonetheless, this text does not aim to encourage the reader to contact their father, integrate him into your life, or cultivate a deeper bond with him. This text is for YOU. Not HIM.

MY WOUNDING

Although I feel in my heart the love my father has for me is real, I never felt as if I got enough of it growing up. He had a mean streak, and would tease me as if I was one of his classroom peers. He didn't dote on me, tell me I’m gorgeous and wasn't an emotionally present figure there to guide me through difficult experiences. He was extremely reactive and angry. He could not efficiently express his emotions or share a deeply personal emotion if his life depended on it. Naturally, this negatively shaped the manner in which I seek, view and express romantic love. As children when parents are incapable of showing up for children in the ways we need, the young child doesn't believe that something is wrong with the parent... The child start to believe something is wrong with themself. As I analyze my early childhood, some beliefs I cultivated around my self worth based on how my father treated me developed.

He comes in and out of my life because inconsistency is what I deserve.

He doesn't tell me I’m beautiful because I am not beautiful.

He doesn't give me a lot of attention and affection because I am underserving of attention and affection.

He teases me because I'm embarrassing and worthy of taunting.

He says I'm fat because I am ugly and undesirable.

In order to be worthy of his attention and love I must perform traits that I do not authentically possess or express.

He teases me about my acne break outs and makes comments when I gain or lose too much weight, therefore I should feel shame about myself and my worth when my looks are not deemed attractive by men.

He calls me names and makes me feel inferior, it is okay and normal for men to make me feel this way...

I was a small child who knew nothing but love for her dear daddy who could do no wrong. As I progressed into a restless, resentful and somewhat combative teenager, I transformed into a young adult who saw my father as my very own personal Lucifer. Whether I saw him as a god or a demon, whether he made me feel good, or sad, the notion that his own traumas, deficiencies, fears and insecurities influenced the way we treated me was not even a thought or consideration until I was around 20. Im currently 22 so it hasn't even been that long since I started to see my father for who he was, which was a human being. Not a god, not a demon, a human. As human nature preserves, no man that walks on THIS Earth gets to choose between his godlike and devilish nature. The best he can do is understand both dimensions of his nature and cultivate whichever aspect of himself is needed to reach his own goals and desires.

To this day, my parents are married, and have been for about 30 years. Despite their longevity and my genuine belief that my parents are soulmates and in love, they have a very odd long distance situation that is hard to explain to people who aren't apart of my family. Their situation blurred my expectations of what I thought a husband and father's role was supposed to be. Their relationship greatly contrasted who I thought my father should have shown up as because he didn't perform in the way I thought he should have based on media, friends and society . I didn't often feel love from my father that validated my being and sense of worth. He is a naturally emotionally distant man and this was only exacerbated by his physical absence from my life. He visited my mom, me and my sisters that were still at home during random moments and times. Sometimes his presence was a carrot he dangled infant of my mother, something I deeply internalized. If him and my mother had problems, I was in the middle. I always use to laugh at tv shows when the fictional parents would argue and say " We need to be quiet! The kids can't know we are having problems!" If only my parents hid things form me... man I probably would've felt more peace. He was gone most of the time, but when he was around he was either arguing with me or my three sisters, or my mom. I went on to college and our relationship was about the same. He didn't call me often, but when he did it was most likely a rant about my deficiencies. Contrastingly, there were times he would call at an offhand time and tell me he really loves me and really cares about me.

He loves and validates me at random moments because I do not deserve love that is consistent and guaranteed.

Anxiety, a general sense of longing, emotional unavailability integrated into my nervous system. The sensations I felt when my dad triggered feelings of abandonment or unworthiness are the same sensations I felt anytime a circumstance made me feel unworthy and abandoned: If a kid in my class made an offhand comment about my looks, if I didn't receive "enough" validation via social media, my committal to ONLY pursuing men who were inconsistent and would abandon me.

Nothing brings a deeper sense of contentment than the confirmation of self beliefs no matter how damaging said belief is. It is all the more painful and powerful when that belief is so deeply intertwined to one’s being that we have physical confirmations via sensations by way of the nervous system. This provides a physical manifestation of the excitement, fear, anxiety, happiness, confusion and pain we may have felt as a child which oftentimes is confused with chemistry, butterflies, or love in adulthood. Dr. Nicole Le Pera, a clinical psychologist I very much admire maintains the theory that we can become addicted to our own emotions, which I think is extremely applicable to the way I operated. Experiencing situations that trigger those emotions that run so deep that they garner a physical reaction from the body are dangerously tantalizing and addictive. Every guy I liked had to trigger those feelings in me, or the possibility of our love was dead. I unintentionally chased a variety of new experiences with "different" people that are different enough to satisfy my human desire for novelty and delude me into thinking I wasn't repeating toxic patterns. “How could it be a pattern when the situation is completely different?”

HIS WOUNDING

I don't remember the instant when I viewed my father as a flawed human being with his own fears, insecurities, projections and traumas. As I grew older, when my father's words or actions hurt me, I started to pity him. One time he was tearing into me with his words and instead of responding to his insults I simply asked "Was your father cruel to you? Is this why you're so mean to me?" For the first time I saw him give pause, a somewhat concerned expression flashed across his face and he answered "Maybe." My father had a very inconsistent mother figure who essentially abandoned him and his sister. She was cold and emotionally distant. To make matters worse, she physically abandoned him and went on to live her life without him or his sisters when he was about 5 or 6. I met my paternal grandmother once at the age of 20. He was abruptly moved from Ethiopia to the Virgin Islands to live with his father, for reasons he was too young to then understand. I never knew my grandfather because he died before I was born, but based off what I know, he had the same mean streak he passed to my father. There are many things I do not know about his childhood, but the things I do know, make me feel a great amount of empathy for the wounding I know he received from both his parents.

PRACTICING EMPATHY

Empathy is a word so overused, we lose touch with its true meaning and origin. Both Empathy and Sympathy share the suffix -pathy, originating from the Greek word pathos, meaning "feeling." The Greek prefix -sym means "with." Therefore, sympathy is defined as feeling sad for another's misfortune. On the other hand, the prefix -em, Greek meaning for "in" illustrates the the powerful difference between "feeling in" and "feeling with." The feelings of abandonment and inadequacy I feel on a deep, almost innate level are things I feel within myself. These are things my father felt within himself as a child and that he unknowingly projected unto me. I have deep empathy and feel in him, the pain he felt as a child through his words and actions towards me. I know how he made me feel so I know at some point he was taught to both feel and make others feel the way he did. Abandoned and unworthy.

Mnemosyne, the Greek Goddess of memory gave birth to her creation, the Muses who preside over the arts and sciences. Today we use the word muse to describe the person or entity that inspires art, story telling and song. In the introduction to The Odyssey translated by Emily Watson, she eloquently states that story and song are a means to "remember the times before we were born." Our DNA is an extremely complex form of memory that is deeply engrained into all of us which is passed down from our biological parents. The DNA passed from our parents helps us remember in a round about way, time before our existence. In a very intimate, indescribable way, we can inherit then feel their fears, pains, traumas. In a similar way, we can inherit their beauty, talents, interests and mannerisms. The mode in which one's nervous system and the brain function is highly genetic. The way we practice and manifest feelings throughout the body is often inherited. When my chest hurts and my stomach is in knots after my latest lover abandons me, I feel in me the way my father felt many times through his life. One cannot always tangibly grasp the ways in which ones fathers genetic memory helps us remember the past. We internalize both genetic and socialized aspects of our parents personality. Not only does the genetic memory of my father that allows me to feel some of his pain deepen my empathy, but it reminds me of a more tangible and over way that memories influence the way one chooses to parent, which allowed the child to remember a time before they were born. His memories carry deep emotions, fears, insecurities and traumas that he used as a frame of reference to parent me.

HE WASN'T ALL BAD

This candid blog post detailing my personal journey towards radical empathy towards my father made him look like a detestable asshole. lol. While he had his downfalls ever since I could remember he always envisioned a life of luxury for himself. Every memory I have of him during my younger years was him planning a new business venture, drawing professional quality designs and doodles of yachts and mansions he said he would have, that we would have. He didn't even finish the 10th grade. He had no emotional, physical or emotional support from his mother or father yet he built a successful business and provides for his family to the best of his ability. He viewed a mans love as hard, financial and aloof. He didn't intentionally wound me in this way so that he could inflict pain and ruin my future loves. He just repeated the emotional patters he internalized as a child and projected them unto me. Yes, he SHOULD do the work to evaluate his trauma so that he can be a better father. In a perfect world, he would do the work and heal. Realistically speaking, he is old and stuck in his ways. No he is not absolved of responsibility, but forgiving him for the ways he hurt me, and empathizing with his pain instead of internalizing was for ME. I had to break the cycle within myself, I cannot control another human being or force their healing.

As a child my father did hurt me but I still really saw him as a likable ambitious man. He instilled in me at a young age that you can dream bigger than your situation. Not only did he dream, I saw the fruits of his labor. He proved to me in my early years the power of belief in oneself and ones ability to pursue their dreams against all odds. His belief is something I deeply feel within myself. While I did inherit some wounds I also inherited a deep sense of belief in my ability to accomplish my goals. My father is lucky, philosophical, honest (when he’s not playing a practical joke), intuitive, playful, optimistic. He is also human and completely imperfect.