#bear in mind i’m usually sitting at 100 over 80. so.
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FICTOBER 2020 – PROMPTS #01 TO #05 – WTNV/FMA AU – GEN, NO WARNINGS
📻 PREVIOUSLY ON: episode one – pilot
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“NO, COME BACK, said the spider to the fly, but we all know how the rest of that story goes.
“Welcome to Resembool.”
“TODAY, THERE IS THIS: a story about someone.
“This information is less helpful than you might think. All stories are about someone, in the singular or plural or uncountable. It’s what makes them stories, instead of disparate collections of facts and events loosely coiled about some narrative anchor.”
“HERE, THEN, are the particular someones this story concerns itself with – a man who is not large, and a man who is not small.
“Of course, this is only one way of describing them, and not even the one most people might use. Truth is not often equivalent to relevance, but for the purposes of this story it is close enough anyway.
“The man who is not large sits at a desk with a phone. The scene is not much different to anyone else sitting at a desk with a phone, and indeed not much different from his usual behaviour at all, except that he is frowning.
“This is, in turn, because his calls are not getting through.”
“AT THIS MOMENT, the man who is not small arrives. There is very little in common in the way of physical appearance between these two men, save for the possibility that if you ignore everything else about the situation, you might quite understandably think that both of their faces are made for smiling.
“Neither one is smiling now. The man who is not small crouches a little when entering the room, as some people who are not small are wont to do. No luck, sir? he asks.
“No luck, the man who is not large agrees, but not in a way that is frustrated.
“Or rather – it is true that he is frustrated, but that is not the most relevant thing. He taps his fingers, looks to the ceiling, and thinks.”
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“WE CUT BRIEFLY AWAY from this story to the community classifieds.
“Item: Curtis Butchers is looking to hire an additional staff. The job requires comfort around cleavers and other large knives, but not butchery experience since you will find yourself learning rapidly on the job, and anyway that’s the easy part. What’s the hard part? Wouldn’t you like to know. To apply, head down to the store and challenge one person to arm wrestling. Who you choose will be the first part of your interview. Good luck!
“Item: Ice-cream truck found in the parking lot of Dark Owl Records, vacant but in good condition. If this is yours, contact Rebecca Catalina, owner of Dark Owl Records. If this is not yours, but you are interested, maybe contact her anyway. She has some interesting ideas about a joint venture of sorts.”
“AND FINALLY – item: Base to Phoenix, town square, ten o’clock. That’s… literally all this last sheet of paper says. No clue what that’s about, but doubtless the recipient must have understood the message anyway.
“This has been the community classifieds.”
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“AND NOW, WE RETURN TO the story at hand.
“…so I figured it was worth a try, the man who is not large is saying to the man who is not small. I have a theory that– never mind, we’ll know if it’s true or not based on how this pans out.
“The man who is not small does not say anything aloud in response to this statement. The contemplative silence is uncharacteristic of him, or at least how people usually perceive him, but then again everything they are doing now is uncharacteristic of how people usually perceive them.”
“PERCEPTION, AS IT HAPPENS, can often be neither relevant nor true.
“He’s going to kill me if this actually goes through, the man who is not large remarks, in a manner all too cavalier for such a comment. Ringing him up just to talk his ear off.
“That didn’t stop you before, the man who is not small observes.
“The man who is not large laughs. It really hasn’t, yeah. But who wouldn’t be happy to hear my dulcet tones? Or, more importantly… the news of my beloved wife and lovely daughter!”
“THE MAN WHO IS NOT SMALL studies the stack of photographs that have been thrust in his face. She really is growing up well, he says, and this impression at least is true if not particularly relevant.
“Although it is very relevant to the man who is not large, judging by the breadth of his grin. You’re a good man, Major. Ever consider having kids yourself?”
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“LET’S PAUSE HERE AND TAKE A LOOK at traffic.
“There is a woman. We will call her Emma, and I won’t tell you if that is her real name – or more accurately I can’t, for reasons that will soon become clear.
“Emma came to this town just over two years ago, bringing only her daughter with her. Old Woman Pinako, smoking a pipe on her porch near the car lot, would see her arrival and think privately that it seemed more like a fleeing.
“Then she would extinguish her pipe and come forward to offer assistance anyway. They would not form any kind of instant trust, because Old Woman Pinako had been right in her guess, but both are practical women, in the way that you tended to get when you are adjacent to someone who practices alchemy.”
“BUT THAT WAS THE PAST. This is now.
“Now, Emma listens to the radio, hears about the newcomers to town, and worries. Her daughter is older, now, and I will tell you nothing about her either, besides that she has brown braids and blue eyes and a smile like the sun. Sometimes, she plays happily with the dog that welcomes her at Rockbell Automail, like Den reminds her of a family pet she was too young to remember.
“Sometimes, out the corner of Emma’s eye, her daughter bears a different form, like she is not sure what shape she should have when no one is looking. Sometimes it reminds her of the shadowed shapes she saw in the basement lab, the ones her husband only smiled about when she asked, scared and desperate and furious: you did this? Is this also what you’re planning to do to me, to N–
“And so Emma wonders if she got them away from her husband quickly enough, and worries if the newcomers are looking to bring her back. If they suspect what her husband, the alchemist, had been trying to do.”
“THE GENERAL ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS is that she did what she had to, and will continue to do so. The specific answers are yes, probably no, and no.
“The real answer is that none of these answers will be enough to reassure her, but at least they might help.
“This has been traffic. And now, the weather.”
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“SO THAT’S THE WEATHER FORECAST FOR this coming week, but perhaps there was something you were more keen to hear about. A phone call, perhaps.
“Alas, listeners, I’m afraid I don’t much news for you on that front. You see, there are municipal regulations requiring enclosed booths around payphones to prevent undue weather damage to the equipment. As such, when the phone in the town square rang at ten, and a man stopped to answer it, there was a door he could pull closed behind him.
“However, the regulations say nothing about making the booth proof against eavesdropping, only rain, and so some parts of his words still drifted out anyway, stolen snatches of half a conversation: why did we let you choose the codenames? and yes, Eagle is fine, just itching to shoot something and I’ll report in as soon as I have something to–
“THIS LAST PART is said with forehead pressed against glass, eyes scanning the darkened streets outside, and presumably this is related to the way he stops suddenly, mid-sentence. A hurried murmur, too low to even guess at, and then he is hanging up and stepping out, pushing the door open.
“Who’s there? the man asks, measured in the way of someone who expects to be answered, and the words do not hang suspended in the night for long before a figure steps out of the shadows, hood drawn down around his shoulders.”
“THE MAN’S STANCE changes completely: he stiffens, and his tone is no longer measured when he says Marcoh? What are you doing here?
“It’s Mauro, the Sheriff replies, pulling his customary hood back up, and I could ask you the same thing, Lieutenant Colonel.
“It’s Colonel, actually, the man corrects, but not in a way that is actually meant to be a correction. I told everyone when we first arrived, it’s just for surveillance.
“The Sheriff says nothing, but the silence is loud enough anyway: that answer was unacceptable, try again.
“They’re planning something, and this town is standing in their way. Either it submits, or– you know what they’ll do. I can’t let that happen again, he finishes with an urgency that makes the words sound true, and relevant, and completely opaque to anyone else.”
“BUT THAT IS ONLY TO BE EXPECTED. This has been a story about someone, after all, none of which are us, and just because something is true and relevant to you does not guarantee that you will understand it at all.
“Stay tuned next for the crackling jingle of a blue truck parked by a records store, and the worried weight of a mother tucking her daughter in while wondering what will come tomorrow.
“Good night, Resembool. Good night.”
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📻 TODAY’S PROVERB:
There are many things in this world worth an arm and a leg. If it’s not your own, at least.
(AO3)
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happy inaugural fma day to me, and yes i’m celebrating it by putting out 100% self-indulgent content that is only borderline recognisable as fma because i can!! this also serves as a somewhat nonstandard fill to the first five fictober prompts, one for each section of the episode. i had to contort pretzels around myself putting some of them in, but it was a fun challenge anyway
this episode’s weather (which is arbitrarily decided by which 80s song is currently stuck in my head) was “eye in the sky” by the alan parsons project
characters introduced this episode, for those keeping score at home: maes as the man who is not large (who codenamed roy and riza as phoenix and eagle respectively for this op), alex as the man who is not small, curtis butchers as big rico’s, rebecca catalina as michelle nguyen, ex-mrs tucker pseudonym emma and nina as alive and well because to hell with shou tucker, and last but not least – marcoh as the sheriff of night vale, just because
#fictober20#welcome to resembool#fma day#fma#fmab#wtnv#fanfiction#mine#the story about you episodes have always been fascinating to me#so here's a variation on that#me frantically texting anthrop: HEY I FIGURED OUT THE PLOT#that was a lie. there is no plot#only chaos
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SHIP QUESTIONS THINGY
Status: Accepting
@streetsofsecrets said: our ships?? 🥺 ( Leah & Munroe )
PRE-RELATIONSHIP
How did they first meet?: When they both snuck into a club when they were teenagers and Leah ended up bumping into him and the rest is history.
What was their first impression of each other?: He honestly doesn’t remember much since he was high out of his mind, but he remembers himself thinking that she was a pretty unique and cool person to hang out with. 100/10 hasn’t had a life experience like that since.
Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?: heh, yes! He would tell his friends the story of their nightclub bender all the time and they encouraged him to try and look for her. And for a while, he did! But he kept getting sidetracked by things and thought he would never see her again. Later when they reunited later on in life at his interview, Bella slipped him Leah’s number before they left and I’m pretty sure June and Ben are #TeamMunroe.
Who felt romantic feelings first?: Munroe, it was something like love at first sight the night they met! A pretty girl who was ready to so drugs with him and wasn’t scared of his wacky personality? Yeah, it was a match made in Heaven.
Did either of them try to resist their feelings?: Because of the whole aquarium number thing, I feel like Leah tried to force herself to stop liking him, but those feelings came back and hit her like a sledgehammer once they reconnected later on in life.
If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?: “Really? Them?” But not in a bad way kinda ish? It would just be shocking to the both of them because even though their careers are very similar, they’re two completely different people who were, and still kind are, on two different paths.
GENERAL
Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?: Munroe, but it wasn’t like he asked her to be his girlfriend or anything like that. He just started referring to her as his girlfriend and began calling her pet names one day and I guess she got used to it.
Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?: Very cheesy and very much Munroe-ish. He took her through one of those tunnel of love attractions along with those fake Venice boat ride things. Instead of being his usual foolish self that night, he was a lovey dovey fool instead. He was reciting rom coms like The Notebook, pulling out his phone every five minutes to read Pinterest quotes, and reciting whatever Shakespeare he knew the whole night.
What was their first kiss like?: It happened the night of their little club bender. It wasn’t really a sweet cold night kiss in New York that I usually write for our ships. Munroe just felt the urge to kiss her so he leaned in and did it while she was in the middle of a tangent about something.
Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?: To be honest, Munroe had all the experience he could possibly get by the time they reconnected.
What’s their height difference? Age difference?: Munroe is a very tall beefy dude, so I’m sure he hovers over her quite a few inches. As for age, shame on you for making me do math again, but I’m pretty sure he’s like a year or two older than her. Maybe more idk.
What’s their relationship with each other’s families?: Munroe and June have matching friendship bracelets that say ‘BFFs for life’ on them and he’s always spewing his nonsense at Ben, so I think it’s safe to say that he’s pretty close with her side of the family. As for his side of the family, they love Leah!! She’s the most sane and normal one out of them, so they appreciate having someone around like her who can ground them from time to time. They like to poke at her and make fun of how serious she is from time to time, but it’s all love.
Who takes the lead in social situations?: Leah. They don’t need him embarrassing them and scaring people off with more ridiculous life mottos.
Who gets jealous easier?: Heh, Munroe and he gets a passive aggressive type jealous when it comes to her. But he doesn’t trip too hard because he knows she’ll never find anyone with hair as luscious as his.
LOVE
Who said “I love you” first?: Munroe. He’s very vocal about how he feels, so he had no problem expressing to her that he loved her after like their fifth date.
What are their primary love languages?: It’s hard to say because both of their love languages are so different from each other, but I’d say it’s a mix between physical affection and acts of kindness.
How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?: Munroe is PDA monster, but even then he doesn’t cross Leah’s boundaries. He prefers to be extra and do a lot, but when it comes to her he dials it down a little bit. He’ll sneak up behind her and give her a big bear hug, greet her with a kiss in front of others, and hold her hand every time they’re walking side by side.
What are their favorite things to do together?: He really likes to watch her while she works and see everything come together for her. He sits by her side or close to her the whole time so he can give his opinions, help her word things, and all that Jazz. Besides that why do I feel like they still like getting high with each other? Maybe not smoking or anything hardcore like they were doing in the club, but they might split an edible together every now and then.
Who’s better at comforting the other?: The both of them. They really understand and get each other on like a spiritual level every since that night at the club since they spilled a lot about themselves.
Who’s more protective?: I’m going to give this one to Munroe again. He’s especially protective over her since she’s a journalist and he knows from being a criminal himself that journalists have a big target on their backs. He’d go crazy if anything ever happened to her.
Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?: A mix of both. Munroe adds in the verbal aspect of their affection, always complimenting her and telling her how amazing she is. While Leah, on the other hand, is more physically affectionate with him and does little things like give him kisses, rub him like he’s a dog (at his request of course), and cuddle him.
What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?: Any cheesy romantic song from the late 80s.
What kind of nicknames do they call each other?: Leahroni. It has no meaning to it whatsoever. He just came up with it one day while brainstorming and decided to add roni to the end of her name. When he’s not calling her that, he calls her cringy pet names like snookums, sweat peas, and anything that sounds like a nickname your grandma would give you
DOMESTIC LIFE
If they get married, who proposes?: Munroe proposed to her with a ring pop in front of everyone. She probably thought he was joking at first, but he was dead serious. Later on when they went home he ended up giving her the real ring he bought her.
What’s the wedding like? Who attends?: They had two weddings actually! One was a big outside wedding that was decorated very nicely, had everyone from family to drug dealer buddies, they did traditional wedding routines, and all that good stuff. BUTTT, after a lot of convincing he got her to have a more private wedding with just close family and friends at one of those Vegas chapels. It was very epic; Elvis officiated their marriage, he sang karaoke to her instead of vowels, and he wore just a suit top and his spongebob underwear. He liked the second one much more.
How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?: I used a baby generator and it said that they’re going to have a girl, so imma stick with that! It’s what Munroe was hoping for anyways so he can use the old Hollywood names he’s piled up over the years. Her name is Veronica, named after the great Veronica Lake of course, in hopes that she would be
Do they have any pets?: Munroe has 4 birds, a bearded dragon, a dog, and two guinea pigs. They’re littered around the headquarters, but his dog and one of his birds are located at his house. It’s like a tiny farm he loves it,
Who’s the stricter parent?: Definitely Leah! Munroe is the type of parent to let his kids do whatever and face the consequences on their own to teach them a lesson so he can rub it in their face later like “I told you so, but you never listen to me. See what not listening to me does for you?” Yeah.
Who kills the bugs in the house?: Munroe carefully places them back outside. They have a life too and their own civilization to get back to! He genuinely thinks that life for them is like A Bug’s Life or The Bee movie.
How do they celebrate holidays?: Besides spending time with family, Munroe likes to throw these epic parties at his headquarters. They’re like The Wolf of Wallstreet type office parties; super epic, almost have no real holiday theme to them, and result in a lot of bad decision making.
Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?: Munroe’s a pretty lazy guy. He hates waking up early and you can catch him showing up to work like three hours late. He’s going to force his bad habits on Leah too smh.
Who’s the better cook?: You’d be surprised at how much Munroe knows about cooking and how many foods he knows how to infuse with weed. I hope no one ate the sides he brought to Thanksgiving 😔
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Lullaby [100%]
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Read Equinox here and come back!
_________
On the day Ami turned 16, she didn’t request a big party or a car.
“Are you sure?” asked Sakura for what felt like the millionth time. She glanced up at the window. Tobirama sat at the controls, his elbow leaning on the intercom button as he listened in. Ami fiddled with the strap of the electric guitar. It had a shiny seafoam green body. She ran her fingers down the maple fingerboard.
“Yeah! This is what I’ve always wanted to do,” insisted Ami, looking up. Her eyes glittered with excitement.
“I’ve always wanted to play a song you wrote for me, Mom,” Ami added. She gave the strings a strum in an easy G-chord. The callouses on the pads of her fingers had toughened them into the perfect tools for plucking the steel strings. And her fingers were strong from years of practicing on almost any musical instrument she could get her hands on.
“Don’t thank me. Daddy wrote the riff for this,” Sakura reminded her, sitting down behind the drums. She pulled her headphones up from her neck and set them over her ears.
“Thank you, Daddy. I love you!” Ami chirruped, blowing a kiss toward the window. Tobirama didn’t return the gesture, but a smile curled his mouth.
“Happy birthday, Angel,” he said in a quiet voice before he pushed play on the backing track.
_________
Everyone in Old Pines knew about the Siren nest right on the border with the forest. It also happened to be the town’s second pack of werewolves. Technically. It was only one wolf and a half, but according to Kiba, that was enough to count.
Ami wrinkled her nose whenever Kiba and Mari showed up on the back porch covered in mud and whatever else they had picked up in the forest. Sometimes she clicked her tongue as she wiped the remaining deer blood off Mari’s face. At least they had stopped bringing back dead rabbits and raccoons.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
“Yeah! Pop broke the deer’s neck in, like, 5 seconds!” Mari chirruped.
“Well that’s cool,” answered Ami. A smile crossing her face as her little sister tried to throw her arms around her waist. She held up a finger, reminding Mari of the filth covering her clothes. Mari whined a little but stood still.
“Sorry, Peanut. I know you don’t like seeing blood,” Kiba apologized as he pulled his shirt over his head. There were a few scrapes on his back, but he seemed otherwise unharmed.
“That’s alright, Pop. It’s more the mud than the blood, honestly,” Ami replied. And then she smiled when Kiba mussed her hair.
“Heads up!” Sakura called.
Ami jumped out of the way just as cold water spurted out of the hose. Mari and Kiba yelped in unison. As they squirmed, Tobirama’s cool voice warned them:
“If you run from this, you’re not walking in that house.”
They froze. Turned to stare at each other. And then Kiba’s head drooped. They submitted to the torment of the icy water on their hair and bodies. When Itachi approached to shampoo their hair, Kiba’s head snapped up. He threw his arms around him, pulling him into the cold water.
“STOP! HELP!” Itachi yelped, sputtering against the water. Mari wrapped her arms around him, too.
“Sakura! Turn off the water!” he pleaded.
Sakura, hand on her hip, aimed the hose to the side for a bit. She considered the three of them. Sopping on the back porch. Itachi’s hair falling into his face, making him look like a wet dog. She turned her head to look at Tobirama, who stood by the garden faucet connecting the hose to the house, smirking.
Kakashi appeared in the doorway, a bowl of cereal in one hand. A spoon in the other.
“Kakashi! Make them stop!” Itachi begged.
Kakashi took in the scene, like a good cop was wont to do. And then he took a big bite of cereal. Crunching the pieces loudly between his molars.
“Not my jurisdiction,” he decided.
Sakura aimed the hose back at them and listened to all three of them howl.
Itachi had his revenge later when he grabbed Sakura by the waist as they walked into the house. His frozen hands pressing to her stomach and back as she shrieked with laughter.
Dinner, as usual, was crowded and noisy. With so many people laughing and chewing, it was impossible for the house to stay quiet. But as they began to clear the table and throw out the garbage, Ami tugged on the edge of Kiba’s shirt. He paused mid-step, hands heavy with plates. Ami stared back at him, her big green eyes blinking slowly at him.
“Babe?” he called over his shoulder.
“Yeah?”
“Ami and I’ll do the dishes,” Kiba offered. Sakura withdrew her hands from the soapy water. She took Itachi by the elbow and murmured something into his ear. He wiped his hands dry too before he put them on Mari’s shoulders.
“Show me that math homework, Mari. Let’s get that out of the way,” he announced. Groaning, Mari still pulled him up the stairs to where she had dropped her backpack right after school.
Sakura’s eyes met Kakashi’s.
“Let’s go walk the dogs,” he suggested.
At those words, the beagle sitting by the front door bolted to his feet. Following him was a brown and white mutt that yapped as it also ran to the door.
It smelled like autumn when they stepped out of the house. Sakura’s left hand slipped into Tobirama’s as they descended the wooden steps. And then she took Kakashi’s with her right.
“What do you think that’s about?” Sakura wondered as they headed down the sidewalk. The dogs’ panting filled the night air. Sakura could smell the hint of fairy magic as they passed behind the cafe. The lights in the windows were dark. Ino had closed up and gone home for the night by now, of course.
“You think she fought with a friend? The girls usually go to Kiba for things like that,” Kakashi suggested. Sakura wrinkled her nose as she considered that.
“Do you think she’s in trouble and didn’t want us to know?” Tobirama then said.
Sakura snorted at that. “Then why would she go to Kiba? She’d run right to Daddy.” She nudged him with her elbow. And Tobirama looked bewildered.
“Me?”
Kakashi leaned forward to level Tobirama with a knowing look. “Softie.”
“Like a big teddy bear,” snickered Sakura. And when Tobirama’s face scrunched into a scowl, she leaned closer with a smile. “I love it,” she added.
The answer to their question came later that night. Long after Mari and Ami had gone to bed. And after the dogs had fallen asleep too. Even after Kakashi had come home from his final check around the small town.
Kiba sat at the kitchen table, staring down into his beer. Swirling the amber drink around and around as he seemed to think very carefully about something.
“What’s on your mind?” prompted Sakura, settling in the seat beside him, her arms draping across his shoulders. He, of course, wasn’t even a little startled. She could never sneak up on him- not with his insane sense of hearing and smell.
“Our big girl’s got a lot on her mind, apparently,” he sighed.
“School?” guessed Itachi, sitting across from him. Tobirama settled next to Itachi, his arm resting on the back of the chair.
“Murder?” wondered Sakura, thinking back on her experiences as a teenager.
“School, actually. Well, sorta. College,” Kiba replied.
“College already?” marveled Itachi. And then he paused to think before he amended, “Actually, no. She’s a sophomore already. That makes sense.”
“What about college?” Sakura prompted. Because if this was just a talk about the cost of tuition, she knew Kiba wouldn’t look so miserable. Between all their salaries (and the royalties she and Tobirama earned from their music), they were more than prepared to send both their daughters to private universities (if that was what they wanted, of course).
“I’m just... well.... aw, jeez, Kakashi, maybe you should sit,” Kiba fumbled through the words, rubbing the back of his neck.
“....Alright,” Kakashi agreed. He glanced around the kitchen, which, someone usually criticized of being too small for their family at least once a week. Sakura got out of her chair to let him sit instead. She settled in his lap, feeling his arms wrap around her waist.
“So what’s up, Kiba?” Sakura urged him.
Kiba heaved a sigh that sounded odd coming from him. Because Kiba was all smiles and corny jokes. Even the girls agreed that he was the most fun, even though they tried to pretend that they were too old for the occasional fart joke.
“Well, so... Ami’s been looking at schools. And she’s been worried about.... well... distance.”
No one pretended not to have understood.
Sakura felt Kakashi’s arms tighten a little. She placed her hand on top of his. Patting softly as she kept her eyes fixed on Kiba. Who looked guilty for having brought it up at all.
“She was saying how she’s been thinking of going to school on the west coast. But then she started talking about how not everyone could come visit or see her graduate.”
Itachi’s forehead wrinkled. “She’s thought ahead that much about it? All by herself? Why wouldn’t she talk to us about it first?”
“She probably didn’t want Kakashi to feel hurt. Or lonely,” Tobirama guessed.
“Did I say something to make her worry like that?” wondered Kakashi. Sakura patted his hand again.
“She’s a teenager. That’s why. You didn’t do anything wrong,” she assured him.
Over the years, Kakashi had worked hard to extend the reach of his territory. Each new mile he gained was a struggle. It took years and years of effort, pushing and straining against the magical threads that bound him to the cornerstone of the old church wrapped in ivy. He could freely wander the shores of the beach now. And he could venture deeper and deeper into the forest, matching Kiba’s strides with ease.
But even that progress could only take him so far.
Sakura patted his hand again. “Hey. Let’s make tomorrow family night. We’ll have dinner and then talk things out,” she suggested.
Kakashi rested his forehead on her back. She felt him nod against her shoulder blade and patted his hand a little harder.
Of course the talk with Ami went well the following day. She was such a sweet girl who had dreaded the thought of making her beloved Papa feel left out.
“But I don’t want you to be sad, Papa,” she insisted, tears in her eyes as she threw her arms around Kakashi’s middle. And he hugged her close, his hand rubbing up and down her back.
“I know, sweetheart. But you have to do what’s right for you. Not me,” he told her.
“I love you so much, Papa,” Ami mumbled in response.
Despite the tears, the night ended on a positive note. Ami was in a good enough mood that she graced everyone with a kiss on the cheek before she went to bed.
Sakura took a deep breath as she leaned on the arm of the sofa. She watched her oldest daughter disappear up the stairs.
“She’s such a good girl. I wonder who she takes after. Definitely not me,” Sakura remarked.
“True,” muttered Kiba. Snickering, he caught her foot when she aimed a kick at his stomach. And through their laughter, they exchanged a look. Because even as he sat there smiling, Kakashi looked sad. He might have fooled someone else- but definitely not his family.
“You alright, Kakashi?” Itachi asked.
Kakashi nodded a little too slowly. “Of course,” he replied.
He definitely wasn’t.
_________
A few nights later, something half-woke Sakura. The crickets trilled outside in a delicate chorus. As the sunrise drew closer, the blackness of the horizon began to glow. Softly at first, and then brighter. And that light diffused in through the window.
It was the swish of the comforter that pulled Sakura from her dreams.
“Wha?” she croaked, head rising from the indent in her pillow.
“It’s alright. I just heard a noise,” Kakashi whispered, rising on his elbow. He turned his head one way, then the other. Throwing his legs off the side of the bed, he sniffed at the air.
Sakura began to sit up too. Tobirama’s arm slipped off of her, catching in the crook of her elbow. He didn’t stir.
“Don’t go alone. Maybe Kiba should go with you,” she suggested. But she stopped when Kakashi turned back to her, his eyes gleaming a little too brightly in the almost-morning.
“I’ll be careful,” Kakashi assured her. And when she continued to stare at him, he added, “And I’ll pick up coffee on the way back.”
Only when she nodded did Kakashi lean in to kiss her forehead. And then her pout before he slipped out of bed. Running a hand through his rumpled hair, Kakashi crept through the silent house. As he descended the stairs, he spotted Kiba and Mari both in their wolf forms, sprawled out on the back porch. Mari’s hind legs twitched a little as she dreamt.
And then there was the noise again.
Kakashi seamlessly transitioned into other form as he left the house. Black wisps of smoke flickering from the end of his tail as he descended the wooden steps. Barely displacing the gravel path with his paws. And once he hit the street, he broke into a run. Pulled by a faint voice that was almost familiar.
He followed the sounds down the streets, turning corners on a path that he knew by heart. And in the blink of an eye, he found himself standing in front of the old, white church. The tower glowing softly in the light of the rising sun.
“Papa.”
Kakashi turned. A little golden-brown dog sat in the grass. Tail wagging. A bright red kerchief was tied around its neck.
“Biscuit?”
“Papa,” the dog said again. His mouth moving perfectly with the sounds.
Biscuit had lived a long, healthy life. And while the dogs that Kakashi adopted tended to live longer than normal, old age eventually caught up with each of them. Biscuit had fallen asleep one night and hadn’t woken up again. And like all of the other dogs Kakashi had taken in over the years, he was laid to rest in the graveyard of the church.
So it was strange that Biscuit stood in front of Kakashi now. Tail swishing back and forth, head cocking to one side.
“You made it, Papa,” Biscuit said.
“Uh.... I guess I did,” Kakashi replied, fazing back into his human form. Tail wagging harder now, Biscuit trotted up to him. He nuzzled against Kakashi’s palm. And Kakashi responded by patting his neck, hand ruffling through the thick golden fur.
“Oh, wow. I.... I really missed you, bud,” Kakashi then said.
“I know,” Biscuit answered. And if a dog could smile, that was what Biscuit was doing.
After a while of petting Biscuit, Kakashi spoke again.
“So... this just a nice visit... or...?” Kakashi trailed off. Unsure of what was even going on. Biscuit tilted his head to the other side.
“You’ve been feeling sad, Papa. So we decided to help.” As Biscuit spoke, ethereal threads of silver rose from the soil. They wove together into the shapes of more paws and wagging tails. They came in all shapes and sizes. Short and squat. Tall and skinny. And slowly, those silver threads condensed, turning black and gold and white. Turning into patches of white and dun on glossy fur.
Bull snuffled at him. Pakkun shook himself before he peered up with big eyes. Shiba was there, too. And all of the other dogs he had taken in over the years. Stretching back and back all the way until the very beginning. To the first stray mutt he had taken in off the street.
“I don’t understand,” Kakashi whispered. He turned his head back toward Biscuit when he felt a lick on his hand.
“It’s okay, Papa,” Biscuit told him. “Since you took care of us, we’ll take care of the town from now on. You can go.” Behind him, Bull gave a sage nod of his wrinkly head.
“Go where?”
“Anywhere,” Biscuit replied. And then he disappeared into silver threads that dissolved into the air. The rest of the dogs followed one by one. Unraveling and twisting into nothingness. Pakkun was the last to go. The pug stared up at him with big, wet eyes.
“Take good care of Mama,” Pakkun requested. And before Kakashi could promise him that he would, the dog was gone.
Sakura woke for a second time a little while later when she felt Kakashi’s hand on her shoulder. Her eyes opened right away.
“Is everything alright?” she demanded.
And this time, Tobirama woke up too. Squinting angrily at the morning light like he always did.
“I need to show you something,” Kakashi blurted out. And the excitement in his face was impossible to argue with. Sakura looked over her shoulder at Tobirama. He glared back at her. The anger faded when she bent over and planted a kiss on his lips. He let out a sigh before he sat up, running a hand through his tangled hair.
“I’m not driving,” he grumbled as he got out of bed.
It took a few minutes to wake everyone and load them into the minivan.
“Where are we going?” Itachi asked as he gripped the steering wheel. He wore his sunglasses, scowling against the morning sunlight. Kakashi stood next to the window, his hand resting on top of the car.
“Toward the highway,” Kakashi instructed. And then he slipped into the shape of a smoky black dog and took off down the street.
The minivan crackled down the asphalt, chasing after the dark shape that cut across town. When they reached the town’s limits, Itachi slowed the car. He could see the black dog sitting beside the wooden sign that read ‘Old Pines’ in dark green letters. Sakura rolled the window down and stuck her head out of the car.
“What’re we doing out here?” Ami wondered, craning her head to peer out the window. Mari leaned against her shoulder, not quite asleep but not quite awake either.
As the car rolled to a stop next to the sign, Kakashi got to his feet. He gave a pointed look toward the car before he slowly began taking steps past the sign. He crossed over the border of the town. Then took another step. Then another.
“Kakashi, what are-” Sakura interrupted herself with a gasp. Her hands flying to her mouth.
“No way,” Kiba breathed.
One by one, the members of their family piled out of the car. Sakura leaned against Kiba’s side as she watched Kakashi take off in a run down the empty road. Until he was just a black blob against the asphalt. Itachi leaned his elbow on Sakura’s other shoulder. After a minute, Kakashi began running back toward them.
“Papa! It’s a miracle!” Mari exclaimed as she ran to greet him. She threw her arms around his neck. And, laughing, Ami threw her arms around him too. Kakashi shifted back into his human form, an arm around each of his daughters as he squeezed them tight.
“I’m so happy for you, Papa,” Ami said.
“Thank you,” he said. And it sounded like he was choking back tears.
“SHERIFF!” Kiba bellowed. Their eyes popped open as he grabbed them and lifted all three of them off the ground. Sakura wormed her way inside the cluster. The girls giggled as her hair tickled their noses.
“Where should we go?” Kiba wondered. Because there had been so many times when they had seen or done things and wished that Kakashi could see them too.
“Anywhere,” laughed Sakura in response.
“I suggest somewhere tropical because you seriously need a tan, Kakashi,” remarked Itachi, leaning on the hood of the minivan.
“Hidan’s shooting a music video in Aruba. We could crash it,” suggested Tobirama, looking over an email on his phone.
Ami’s head popped up from somewhere under Kiba’s arm. “Really? Can we do that, Daddy?” she inquired, eyes sparkling with excitement.
“Of course. I’m the boss,” Tobirama scoffed. He turned away to make a phone call. Holding it away from his ear in anticipation of Hidan’s adamant protest.
_________
As the years passed, the town of Old Pines changed very little. Sometimes people thought they heard dogs barking in the distance more often than they used to. But the smell of fairy magic, sweet and warm, still hung in the air near the little cafe on the corner. And when summer retreated, the leaves on the trees began to turn orange and gold, lighting up the town in bright shades.
The once small cabin on the edge of town had grown into something that now fit such a large family. Little crystals of peridot hung from the curtain rods, tinkling against each other whenever someone walked past. The mantelpiece above the fireplace was always crowded with picture frames of various shapes and sizes- all the members of their big family squeezed together to fit into each shot.
What had changed were the souvenirs that had begun to overtake the house. Gaudy magnets appeared on the fridge. Mysterious wood carvings sat on the bookshelves. Useless and shiny bits that scattered the house to remind its occupants of distant lands.
“Don’t forget flip-flops. Hotel floors are not to be trusted.”
“Is anyone gonna check a bag? I need to take my hairspray.”
“Yeah, squeeze it in mine. Can I put my sneakers in yours then?”
“Has anyone seen my sweater? The blue one with stripes. I can’t find it anywhe- Nevermind. Thank you, Baba!”
The entire house overflowed with the sounds of zippers and people running back and forth between rooms. Tobirama was the only one who sat still. He had finished packing his suitcase two days ago. It sat in the corner of his room with his passport resting on top.
“Are you sure you’re alright to travel?” he queried for the millionth time. He watched Sakura sitting on the edge of the bed. She sat wrestling with a t-shirt, trying to fold it in the neat, trendy way that was all over the internet nowadays. Tobirama huffed. He got to his feet.
“Give me that,” he grumbled. Grabbing it out of her hands, he folded it into a perfect square. And then he went on to fold the rest of the shirts sitting on the bed.
“The doctor says I’m fine. Besides. We’ve been planning this trip since last year,” Sakura replied as she watched him.
“I moved stuff around on the itinerary so we won’t be walking around as much.”
They both started. When they looked up, they found Itachi in the doorway, his back against the doorjamb. He scrolled through his document on his tablet, which he had probably checked about a thousand times by now.
“Maybe we should rent a car,” Itachi then worried as he eyed Sakura.
“Absolutely not. Parking in Rome is a nightmare,” Sakura protested.
“Can’t drive in Europe. Don’t they all drive on the left?” Kiba piped up, his head appearing over Itachi’s shoulder. He squinted down at the tablet too.
“That’s just England,” replied Itachi. When Itachi snickered at him, Kiba knocked into the back of Itachi’s knee, making his leg buckle. Sakura stifled a snort into her fist.
“Pop?” a voice came from down the hall. Kiba twisted his head to yell back, “Yeah?”
“Is there room in your bag for my umbrella?”
“Think so. Go for it.”
“Kay. Thanks!”
Kiba then ducked under Itachi’s tablet to enter the room. Hands in the back pockets of his jeans, he plopped down on the bed beside Sakura. She had given up on packing as Tobirama seized the rest of her clothes and began placing them in her empty suitcase for her.
“Kiba, we need to have a serious talk,” Kakashi announced as he appeared in the doorway, Ami tucked under his arm. Itachi moved to the side so she could roll Kiba’s suitcase into the room.
Kiba arched an eyebrow. “About?”
“This,” Ami said before she opened his suitcase to reveal the contents within.
Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and pointer finger. Tobirama let out a noise of exasperation.
“....You can’t be serious, Kiba,” Tobirama whispered. He sounded defeated.
“What?”
“I refuse to be seen with you if all you’re packing is flannel,” Itachi declared.
“That’s, like, all I own,” Kiba insisted.
“No, it’s not. You have plenty of nice shirts. I know. Because we buy them for you every year, Pop,” Mari piped up as she appeared in the doorway. She wrinkled her nose in disgust at his fashion choices.
“It’s my aesthetic!”
When everyone continued to glare, Kiba threw his hands up in the air. “Babe. Come on.”
Everyone’s stare turned to Sakura. She considered this as she rubbed her hand over the bump under her sweatshirt.
“Stop bullying him. He can wear what he wants,” Sakura decided.
Kiba’s face turned smug. “Thank you.”
“We can always photoshop him out of all our pictures later,” Sakura then added.
“Babe!”
“Aw, Mom. You’re such a savage,” Mari cackled. She crossed the room to slap Sakura a high five.
In the midst of all this chatter and laughter, the doorbell rang. Mari and Ami swiveled their heads to stare at each other.
“You get it.”
“No, you get it.”
“Can someone get the door, please!” Kakashi interrupted the squabbling. The girls exchanged one last look before they both hurried out of the room. Their footsteps stumbled down the stairs together, just slightly out of sync with each other. They giggled, probably as one elbowed the other. Everyone upstairs stayed quiet as they listened to the door open.
“Heya, pups! Excited for your trip?” Hana’s voice drifted upstairs.
As Itachi crouched to help Tobirama continue packing, Sakura closed her eyes.
She could remember what this house had felt like all those years ago. When she had first driven into this tiny town in the middle of the night. Her sedan crammed with her possessions. The inside of her head even more cluttered than her car. Back then, this house had just been another place to run away to. Quiet. Far from prying eyes.
She had never imagined living somewhere so noisy.
“Sakura?”
Her eyes opened. Kakashi was kneeling in front of her. A faint smile on his lips.
“Are you feeling okay?” His hand brushed against her cheek.
She had also never imagined living somewhere that felt so warm.
“Yeah. Everything’s alright,” she assured him. Even without trying, she found herself returning his smile.
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A Day Off // Winterspider
Words: ~ 2,4k
Summary: Peter watches a fun game between Tony, Steve and Bucky escalate and doesn't really like where this is going. When he notices Bucky looks more and more tired, he decides to step in and be part of the game too - but unlike Tony and Steve, he wants Bucky to have fun and enjoy a day off.
Warnings: background stucky and winteriron (non-explicit though), winter soldier!bucky, fluff, fairs
Note: It's important to note that Bucky and Winter basically switch in this story randomly - there is no real indicator, one morning he will wake up as Bucky, the next as Winter. This story involves Winter and Peter.
[Read on AO3]
Peter enjoys that Bucky lives at the compound now, it always means his visits become more fun. There are some things that are a bit difficult at first, for example that Bucky isn’t always Bucky, but Peter gets used to that pretty quickly. He can easily spot if he deals with Bucky or with Winter, who is far more quiet and reticent and at times very grumpy, but Peter doesn’t mind. When he deals with Winter he talks less and is more serious, when he deals with Bucky there is more joking around and laughing. He likes both though and both still go to the training area with him for his usual training sessions, the only difference is that with Winter, Peter has to actually be careful because he’s not holding back as much as Bucky does.
When the joke with the magnets starts, everyone is rather amused at first, even Peter. One day, Tony accidentally stuck a magnet to Bucky’s metal arm, which ended in a game where they all tried to stick as many magnets as possible on his arm without Bucky noticing. Bucky doesn’t mind, he actually finds it very funny how they try to sneak behind him and doesn’t try to stop them.
Then, one day, there’s just a single magnet on Bucky’s arm, one that says “Property of Steve”. Both Tony and Peter, who is over at the time, are confused, until Steve just drags Bucky off with him. This marks the beginning of a new game, one which Peter watches without participating, not quite sure what to make of it.
Over the next couple of weeks, Steve and Tony pretty much trip over their own feet to stick their name onto Bucky’s arm first every day, which ends up with the one succeeding “owning” him for that day. Bucky doesn’t seem to mind - and surprisingly, Winter doesn’t either - but Peter notices that, over the weeks, Bucky seems more and more tired. Peter knows the relationship between the three is a bit complicated and that they both have something going on with Bucky, so the owning game kind of makes sense, he guesses, but he doesn’t really like it. At all.
So, one day when Peter stays over the weekend, he sneaks out of his room early and into Bucky’s, putting his own magnet onto his arm. An hour later everyone else gets up and both Tony and Steve want to “claim” Bucky, only to realize there already is a claim on him. A magnet that says: ‘Property of Peter, hands off!’. Tony and Steve share a confused look, both dropping their magnets, when Peter walks over to them.
“Guess he’s mine for the day,” he says with a smile and drags Bucky away, only that it’s not Bucky today. Coincidence or not, Peter managed to claim Winter for the day, but he doesn’t mind.
“What did you do?” Winter asks when Peter leads him through the common area and towards the elevator, not quite understanding what is going on.
“I decided to play the game too,” Peter shrugs, taking Winter’s metal hand to keep pulling him forward. “We will spend the day together today, I promise you’ll like it.”
Winter, who is used to be dragged off to the bedroom after a claim has been made on him for the day instead of the elevator, just keeps looking confused.
“Don’t you want to stay?”
“Nope,” Peter smiles and presses the lobby button once they are in the elevator. “We’ll go out today, I have a surprise for you. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Peter’s surprise turns out to be a trip to Coney Island. They catch several glances on the subway and trams they use, but while Winter is mostly silent and confused about the whole ordeal, Peter not once loses his smile, holding onto him to make sure they aren’t getting separated. When they arrive, however, Winter finally breaks his silence.
“What are we doing here?” he asks, looking slightly uncomfortable with the amount of people around them.
“Tony and Steve keep tiring you out,” Peter says seriously and looks up at him. “I just want you to have some fun for a day, you know? I’ve been here with my aunt a few years ago, it’s really great and there are so many things to do.” And before Winter can complain, Peter starts dragging him along.
They simply walk around for a while, looking at the attractions around them, until Peter spots one of the roller coasters, literally starting to pull on Winter’s arm.
“We have to go on that one!” he says excitedly, pretty much jumping up and down next to the other. “It’s so much fun and so fast!”
Winter looks up, reads the sign which says ‘Coney Island Cyclone’ and frowns.
“Are you sure about this?” he wants to know and Peter nods eagerly. It’s barely five minutes before they stand in line, Winter rather stiff and unsure about what’s going to happen and Peter excited like a child on Christmas. In a way, this is kind of the same for him.
Once they are seated - somehow they managed to get the front seats, of course next to each other - Peter grins from ear to ear. “Last time I was too short for this, I’m so excited to finally ride it!” he exclaims and laughs. As the ride starts, he clings to Winter with one arm and has the other steady himself.
There is a lot of screaming from Peter’s side when they finally go down and much less from Winter, who is simply pressed into his seat and stares at the track in front of them, but it’s obvious that Peter enjoys it very much. It doesn’t take long before Winter relaxes at least a little bit and when the ride is over, he looks at Peter as if to ask what he thinks. The boy beams at him with pure joy.
“That. Was. Fucking. Awesome!” he states and laughs happily, his cheeks slightly pink from screaming and the adrenaline going through his system. After they leave, he hooks up with Winter’s metal arm again, who doesn’t try to pull away this time. It’s as if he accepted that Peter feels safer this way in the crowded place and that’s kind of nice, actually.
As they walk through the place a bit more, Peter suddenly gets curious and looks up at him. “You had county fairs back in the 40s too, right?” he asks. “Did you ever went to one?”
Winter has to think about that for a while before he nods. “A few times, but they were smaller. Not so many people. And not so loud.”
“What kind of attractions did you have back then?”
“Mostly lucky wheels or freak shows,” Winter says and shrugs. “Usually you would take out a girl to them and eat bad hot dogs or try to fight against the strong guy to impress her.”
“The strong guy?” Peter asks curious and tilts his head.
“There was always one place with a ring and some guy who was very strong and some pretty girl asking people to ‘try your luck against Samson’ or similar things. And if you went there with your date, saying no was out of question because she would have thought you were weak. So the boys went into the ring, got their ass handed to them and left to be comforted by them.”
“That sounds pretty dumb,” Peter chuckles and shakes his head. “Glad we won’t have to do that today.”
“Me too,” Winter says and for a moment it looks like he will laugh, but he doesn’t. Peter shrugs and looks around to find a place to eat something.
“They got pizza here, do you want some?”
“If you are hungry, we can eat.”
So, they end up at a place that sells pizza, sitting in the sun while they eat and still, Peter smiles like it’s the best day of his life. He talks about other things they have here, like the big ferris wheel and the auto skooter and the ice skating area. He also mentions several booths where people can win prizes for things like tossing balls or shooting, which actually makes Winter turn his head.
“Shooting?”
“Oh yes,” Peter grins and nods. “They have a booth near the end, you get a number of shots and the more you hit, the bigger the prize you get. I never manage to get more than 50 points, though.”
“Do you want to try it again?” Winter asks and Peter’s grin broadens even more.
“I’d love to!” he says excited. “I’m sure you’d be so good at it, you’d probably get all the points!”
There is something like a smile on Winter’s face for a split second before he nods and finishes his pizza. “We can go there if you want to,” he agrees, making Peter almost jump up with joy.
Once they are both done, they head towards the booth Peter mentioned. On the way, Peter gets them both some ice cream, accompanied with the words ‘It’s hot and we should stay cool, right?’. Winter just nods and takes the offered treat, allowing Peter to hook back up with his arm so they can continue. At this point, he barely registers the looks they get anymore or reacts to them. He is more calm and far less nervous than he was when they arrived, which ultimately reflects on Peter, who seems to be in a rather peaceful mood himself.
They spot the booth shortly before they finished their ice cream and decide to stand back and watch a few others try their luck at first, with Peter explaining the whole thing.
“Not every target gives the same points, you have to go for the moving ones, okay?” He says and smiles up at Winter. “The birds give 100 points each, the ducks give 80. Most people go for the ones that don’t move, but they only give 10 to 20 points.”
“What do you get when you hit the highest targets?” Winter asks and Peter chuckles.
“One of those, for example,” he grins and points at the huge stuffed bears hanging from a wall of the booth. “They are 1000 points each, but barely anyone gets that much. The birds are really fast…”
Winter nods, but doesn’t answer. Instead, he watches someone start a new game, his eyes glued onto the targets. Peter observes him closely and notices the way Winter shifts, as if he’s preparing himself. He figures that’s exactly what’s happening.
Five minutes later, Winter finally nods. “I will try.”
They approach the booth once everyone else is done and Winter takes the rifle, barely listening to the man who gives him instructions. Finally, the signal sounds that starts a new round and Peter watches in awe how Winter aims and shoots. Every single shot hits one of the fast moving birds, all ten of them giving him full points. Peter’s eyes are wide and sparkling by the time he’s done.
“That was so cool!” he exclaims and suddenly hugs Winter tight. “You’re awesome!”
The man running the booth looks baffled when Winter puts the rifle back down and turns to him. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be as good as he was.
“W-Wow, that’s… that’s a rare one,” the man says and gulps. “So, for 1000 points you can pick anything you want.”
“A bear,” Winter immediately says and points towards the displayed ones. The man looks defeated when he walks over and cuts one of them off its hook, handing it to him.
“Congrats,” he says, but he doesn’t sound like he’s happy about giving this away.
Winter takes the bear and turns to Peter, handing it to him. “For you,” he says.”
Peter’s face lights up. “Are you serious?” he asks, taking the bear completely stunned. It’s almost as big as Peter is himself.
“You said you never got one,” Winter says quietly and Peter suddenly hugs the bear.
“I didn’t! Thank you so much!” The boy is absolutely delighted and holds the bear as tight as he possibly can. “I love it and I’ll take good care of it, I promise!”
Winter nods, his apparent nervousness fading away. They leave, this time without Peter holding onto him because he needs both arms for the huge bear he carries.
The rest of their visit is similarly amusing, even though Winter refuses to go on the second roller coaster ride with Peter. Instead, he watches over the bear, watching Peter enjoy his ride. Afterwards, they get some candy and eventually get onto the auto skooter too, but this time Peter asks one of the employees to watch over the bear because he really wants Winter to come with him.
When they get back to the compound, it’s late in the afternoon and Peter looks the happiest he’s ever been, still holding onto his bear Winter got for him and smiling brightly.
“Did you enjoy your day off?” he asks once they are back in the common room and finally sit down again.
“It was very nice, thank you for this,” Winter answers, watching Peter - who totally uses the bear as a pillow and sits on its lap at the other side of the couch.
“I had a lot of fun today,” Peter smiles happily. “And if you ever want to go again, I’m going to win a bear for you too.”
At this, Winter’s lips suddenly jerk and he actually smiles at the boy. “I would like that, yes.”
Peter’s eyes sparkle so much when he throws himself forward and hugs Winter again, tight and long. “I can’t wait!” he laughs and kisses Winter’s cheek. “But you have to show me how to aim like you do first.”
“I will happily do that,” Winter says, almost softly, and pats Peter’s back carefully.
The rest of the day they spend talking before Peter has to go back home, of course taking the bear with him. After this, he makes a decision to make sure he can take the other out from time to time, so they can have some fun together. He really likes WInter - and Bucky - and even though it’s hard to tell whether Winter actually enjoyed it or not, he knows the smile he gave him was genuine. And that really gives him some hope.
#winterspider#bucky x peter#peter x bucky#myfics#i just needed something cute#and i loved the magnet idea too much to resist#enjoy some more randomness
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Booking A DJ - What To Look For & Why?
joesdj.com
The single most usual concern that DJs are asked in the initial instance is "Just how much are you?" Currently every person likes value for money, but you have not even asked what solution they offer yet! Regardless of the common picture of mobile DJs being all the same, we are really different in our method to the work, as well as services can differ by some distance from DJ to DJ. If you get on a limited budget plan of say, $125, after that your option will certainly be restricted and also you might end up with a newbie or somebody with obtained and also messy devices.
Always appealing too is letting a friend 'take a crack at' ... a recipe for a vacant dancing flooring and a full bar! Cost-cutting is multiplied two-fold when talking of a wedding party. Not just one of the most essential day of your lives, however a day where you have actually most likely spent $500 on a cake, $2000 on gowns as well as matches and also unimaginable quantities on food and also beverage ... looks like incorrect economic climate to skimp on the largest part of the entire day, the event.
In short, do not simply reserve your DJ on rate!
A real professional or semi-professional DJ will certainly have invested years getting their songs, discovering exactly how to develop a dancing flooring ambience, be completely acquainted in wedding celebration etiquette as well as have a set to be proud of.
To offer you some concept of values, to employ a really basic DJ set-up (2 audio speakers, amplifier, CD decks, mixer and 2 light impacts) sets you back $100 per evening from my regional nightclub center. Add to that somebody's working time (6 hours on average) as well as take a trip prices, etc, you start to understand just how useful a professional DJ can be for your occasion ...
For weddings, aim to pay between $300 - $450 for a 7pm-12am solution. Birthday parties, wedding anniversaries, etc may be cheaper as they are less stress as well as usually shorter hours.
The Style & Web content
It appears so apparent to claim it yet I'm mosting likely to anyhow ... attempt to see your DJ in action prior to you book them. If it's not convenient, then listen from good friends that have actually witnessed the DJ's talents before. After all, recommendation is still the very best advert for any type of act.
It's always a truly good concept to talk at length with your potential DJ regarding your own songs tastes and what you get out of them on the night. Ask them looking inquiries about the sort of things they play, whether they take requests, just how they suggest to start/finish the process, that example. A DJ worth his salt will certainly pay attention intently and take onboard every one of your concepts, often suggesting choices to points he thinks might not work.
If you're theming the evening's entertainment, ensure your DJ knows beforehand ... this way he can be certain to lug the ideal songs for the celebration, such as a 70's & 80's Event or a Heart Evening. It also provides him a chance to pass the job on if the genre you pick is not his speciality. The even more contemporary DJs are additionally inclined to avoid playing uniqueness records, such as the Birdie Song as well as Superman. If you desire these consisted of (as well as you want to sit on the flooring as well as paddle an imaginary boat ...) it's ideal to examine first!
The DJ Gear
As every one of my DJ coworkers know, this is my soapbox topic!
So many times I have experienced DJs assembling some of the least expensive and also scruffiest gear you can visualize ... tossing it loosely on a folding table, wires tracking almost everywhere and also speakers hardly with the ability of audible sound ... and also yet still charging $300 an evening! They must wear a mask! In this day as well as age, the range of tools offered to us is incredible, and also at extremely affordable costs for good top quality; there are no excuses for a DJ's equipment looking or appearing negative in the 21st Century.
Right, tirade over ... without going also technological, advantages to seek are overhanging lights (nightclub-style relocating lights), audio speakers on stands (elevates the audio over the crowd to forecast it across the entire room) and a neat phase area set-up. Cables need to be stashed anywhere feasible and also the much better professional DJs have a classy cover or starcloth to surround their stand. When playing, the noise needs to be crystal clear on the dance flooring, both with music and the DJ's spoken voice.
In some circumstances the audio will not travel well to the rear of the space, however this can be as a result of the place's acoustics and not really a problem as guests will invariably desire someplace to conversation. A lot of DJs have a sound system to cater for up to 150 individuals pleasantly. If your DJ is not accustomed to your recommended venue, request that he takes a look beforehand, particularly if you have 200+ night guests. Quite often I have actually seen tiny amplifiers pressed to their maximum trying to supply to a large space ... and also it doesn't sound positive!
Finally on the technical side, a multitude of places nowadays are firmly insisting the DJs have both Public Liability Insurance and a certification of safety (RUB) for their electrical equipment.
The Business End ...
Once you have actually selected your DJ for the night, inquire for an agreement to authorize as well as concur a down payment (if one is not already requested). See to it you have actually listed all of your songs requirements and arrival/ending times to make sure that there is no complication on the day. I would also recommend a courtesy call a week prior to the occasion if your DJ hasn't called you, just to touch base and reaffirm details.
Mobile DJs have actually experienced a bad press for many years, when actually it's a really tiny minority of cowboys who let the side down. The majority of are hard-working, diligent music-lovers that will certainly offer you an evening to bear in mind! joesdj.com
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Cuddling with the Free! boys:
Haru:
- Bath cuddles. (Obviously while wearing swim suits god guys)
- He isn’t the biggest fan of cuddling so consider yourself blessed
- Will 100% be holding your hand the entire time
- Hand holding is his favorite form of physical affection so you can bet he’s going to incorporate that into the cuddles
- Likes if you play with his hair
- Like a lot
- Cuddles with Haru will usually lead to really deep talks
- Imagine it’s 2am, your heads on Haru’s chest, staring up into his eyes, you’ve got one hand in his while the other plays with his hair, his free(!) arm wrapped around your waist tightly to keep you close, all is quiet, until…
- “Do you think we’ll love each other as much when we’re 80?”
- Anything along those lines is common with Haru
- People usually get the wrong idea when you tell them you didn’t get much sleep that night
- The cuddles are surprisingly warm and tight, they happen as often as possible because as much as Haru hates to admit it, he needs you close more than you know
- He’s not apposed to being the little spoon every once in a while
- If his days been hard you’ll get a very needy text from him telling you to meet him at his place, if you’ve had a hard day the same applies
- Makes you feel special type of cuddler
Makoto:
- BIG SPOON
- He’s a literal heater, by far the warmest person in the world to snuggle into save me
- Wraps his arms around your entire body because the height difference between you is ridiculous, you’re the height equivalent to Nagisa compared to him
- But that means that you fit together like pieces of a puzzle, an amazing warm cuddly puzzle…
- Imagine your back tucked against his chest, his long arms wrapped securely around you while you both talk softly about what you’ll do with your futures
- Ren and Ran 1000% get involved at least 4 times a week, it’s no question that they absolutely adore you and you them, like sometimes when you go to visit Makoto you just end up playing with those two little rascals
- Makoto thinks the cutest thing ever is seeing you and his siblings asleep all cuddled up together basically using him as a bed.
- The formation is: Mako’s arm around your shoulder as you lay beside him with your head in the crook of his neck and one of your hands in his hair (you were playing with it before you fell asleep). Ran in the same position as you on the other side of Makoto only she was laying on his chest then finally Ren squeezed between you and Makoto, his head nestled into your stomach and your arm wrapped tightly around his waist while he hugs you like a teddy bear
- You end up in this position every time without fail
- Makoto definitely has taken a billion pictures of this, it’s without a doubt his phones wallpaper
- You have a thing about leaving butterfly kisses on his neck while you cuddle because it makes him giggle and that giggle lemme tell you– damn
- He loves it, he’ll never admit it, but he loves it. Y’know what? Love isn’t even a strong enough word.
- Makes you feel protected type of cuddler
Nagisa:
- Oh mY G0D,,,,,,, This B0Y,,,,,,,, this,,,,,,, boi
- Hugs you as if you were a literal teddy bear, his hold on you is so tight but in the most comfortable way imaginable
- You two don’t spoon, you hold onto each other in a bear hug but it’s not your typical bear hug, you both refer to these types of hugs as ‘extra special Nagi-(Y/n) snuggles’
- Alright so,,, imagine you’ve both had a really tiring day at school (everyday with this ball of sunshine to be honest) Nagisa invites you over to his house to ‘study’ which is usually true for about 5 minutes before Nagi starts nuzzling his head into your shoulder complaining about how boring studying is.
- And since this boy has made you soft you give in in about 0.2 seconds
- He’s taller than you so when you guys cuddle he wraps his legs around your waist and arms around your neck, like a koala, a blonde, happy, adorable, sunshine filled koala
- ESKIMO KISSES OH MY GOD PLEASE SAVE ME
- As a couple eskimo kisses are like,, your thing. Some couples hug or give kisses on the cheek, you two? You do it all + an eskimo kiss because you’re extra
- His hugs could end wars if we’re being honest here, if you’re having a hard day Nagisa is there and he will give you the warmest cuddliest hug in the universe
- He’s just so pure and soft and joyful keep him safe the world does not deserve him
- His older sisters take pictures of you both cuddling and post them online
- ‘Baby bro and his girlfriend are the cutest awww!
- Makes you feel like nothing else matters type of cuddler
Rei:
- Rei is a whole different story alright hold on tight kids
- He is absolutely ridiculous when it comes to cuddling
- “(Y/n) I can’t I’m studying.”
- “(y/N) i CaN’T i’M STuDYiNG.”
- This gets on his nerves so you do it until he agrees to give you the snuggles that you deserve for being the most patient girlfriend ever
- One time you got sad because sometimes he stresses himself out with studying and school work that he barely spares you a glance and your mind straight away jumped to ‘Okay he hates me. Great going (Y/n)’… sad bean.
- Rei’s super smart but oh my god he’s so blind, this boy loves you, he loves you so much and that day when he saw the look on your face he was destroyed, he was so worried when he asked what was wrong and you told him he hugged you so tightly
- That was the start of hug tolerant Rei. He discovered he loved your cuddles. He now wants them all the time. You’ve created a monster.
- He’s an old soul and it’s the cutest, when you hang out he wraps one arm around your shoulder and keeps you close then in the other hand he hold up a book and reads to you
- He lives for sleepy (Y/n) trying to stay awake while he reads to you, he loves the face you make to show how interested you are in what he’s reading but at the same time he’s been waiting to snuggle up to you and sleep since he opened the book because lets face it this happens all the time
- You guys cuddle weirdly, he lays on his side, arms around your torso facing you while you wrap your legs under his knees and your arms circle around his neck with your forehead against his chest
- It’s insanely comfortable don’t even question it
- When you guys lie like that he’s constantly kissing the top of your head and it is the bestest thing in the world
- When he falls asleep he nuzzles his nose into your hair but he doesn’t believe you when you tell him because “nuzzling is illogical” but you know he loves it
- Makes you feel complete type of cuddler
Rin:
- Did someone say cuddle monster?
- He is lowkey the softest boy oh my god he makes me weak send help, he loves cuddles, he’ll deny it to the guys but when you’re alone there is 0 shame
- Buries his face in the crook of your neck, he thinks the smell of your hair is so comforting- he’ll notice if you change shampoos
- protective bby boy
- He holds you a certain way that I don’t think words can describe correctly because it makes me way too emotional,
(HE’S THE CUTEST OH MY FUCKING GOD, I’M SORRY)
So basically he lays like this and your head is rested on the arm he has behind his head, his other arm is around your shoulders while his hand plays with your hair
- He loves just staring into your eyes, it makes him less stressed about being the captain and helps him forget his responsibilities for a little while
- Gou thinks it’s the cutest thing ever seeing her big brother all mushy with you, oh god he gets the goofiest smile on his face just looking at a sleeping you in his arms it’s too much I’m dead
- You let him cry on your shoulder and give him your undivided attention because god knows he’s got a lot bottled up
- When he’s upset like this you end up just cradling him against your chest while his arms are holding onto you for dear life
- So before a big race you lie in your usual position (The one I mentioned^^) and if you fall asleep he’ll kiss your forehead and whisper to you
- “I’m gonna win this one for ya, babe”
- And he does
- You can get him to do anything if you promise him cuddles
- a n y t h i n g
- Makes you feel at home type of cuddler
Sousuke:
- He has a playlist specifically for cuddling
- It’s full of cute duets and slow songs, A+ for this boy because he makes sure to add in your favourite artists
- Alright down to business
- He hugs with his entire heart, it’s not his favorite thing to do but he doesn’t not like it either
- You lie your head on his chest and one of his arms is around your waist and the others under his head
- He shares an earphone with you, awwwwww
- He plays with your hair constantly, it’s actually his favorite part of cuddling, another is the fact that he can sleep without getting called lazy by Rin
“I came into the dorm today and you were asleep.”
“And?”
“It was like 2 in the afternoon, what the hell man?”
“Yeah my girlfriend wanted to cuddle, I was just being the amazing boyfriend I am.”
“Whatever.”
- THIS POOR BABIES SHOULDER HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS TO BE HAPPENING TO HIM OH MY GOD
- You always always always give him little shoulder massages, he sits in between your legs while you do this
- He also secretly lives for when you leave little kisses on his injured shoulder
- “Feels better already”
- He’ll always lean down and peck you on the lips before you fall asleep because it always makes you smile and you end up falling asleep with a little smile on your face
- Rin can lie to himself all he wants but when he comes back to the dorm and sees you two all cuddled up and asleep his hard-ass facade fualters a little bit
- Sousuke will sometimes sing along to whatever song is playing and that is enough to melt your heart
- Makes you feel like you belong type of cuddler
Nitori:
- Littlest of spoons
- Hold him tight please
- We all know this baby boy wants to be the best swimmer he can be but sometimes that means he overworks himself and spends longer in the pool than is good for him
- Hence, as his girlfriend it is your duty to drag him away from the pool, get him warm and fed then haul his ass to bed and show him through warm secure hugs that you care about and love him very very much
- He’s so amazing and it hurts you so much how insecure he can be sometimes like I’m sorry bby I love you so much
-When this happens you get all sad and just kind of wrap yourself around him as if you were a koala on a tree and rest your chin on his shoulder until he accepts the fact that you’re in love with him and most likely always will be
- Once he realizes that you aren’t going anywhere he kisses your cheek and thanks you for being so amazing
- You’re a little bit taller than him so when you cuddle his heads in the crook of your neck while his arms are circled around your waist, one of your arms in under his head usually playing with his hair while the other’s thrown over his waist
- He is the most gentle human being and he has softened your heart by 100000000000%
- He deserves the world and to him that’s you
- You kiss his beauty mark and he gets all blushy and smiley
- He gIGgLeS, it is the actual most cutest thing
- He’ll always take charge of the cuddles if you’re upset. He is hands down one of the best comforters ever.
- It’ll be the same way you both normally cuddle only the roles are reversed and he just strokes your hair so gently it’ll make you instantly calmer
- Makes you feel like you’re important type cuddler
Momo:
- Energetic to the max
- Okay he has a lot of energy but that won’t stop him from being the sweetheart he is, you wanna cuddle? Okay let’s cuddle.
- Cuddling usually starts off with a tickle fight followed by some rolling around trying to find a comfortable position
- Never one designated position
- You could be spooning, one of your heads on the others lap, sometimes Momo just flops down on his stomach and you just kinda lie down on his back and neither of you will move for like 3 hours
- He’ll talk to you about his beetles, you don’t really care but it makes him happy so you listen intently watching the dorky little smile on his face
- “OH OH AND THEY’RE NOCTURNAL SO THEY ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT SO THEY’RE REALLY TOUGH TO CATCH, NOT FOR ME THOUGH- GEEZ HOW LUCKY ARE YOU YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE KING OF STAG BEETLE HUNTING!”
- You being half asleep by this point
- “Mhm, that’s great babe… really really great, I love you.”
- He just laughs at you but then starts to gush about how cute you are
- After he’s sure you’re asleep he gets really sentimental and he talks to you
- “Maybe I’m the lucky one, ending up with someone as great as you, huh?” Then he’ll brush the hair from in front of your eyes away behind your ear and kiss you ever so softly on the tip of your nose before he finishes “Yeah, I’m definitely the lucky one.”
- I’m not dying inside
- He’ll probably drool on you once he falls asleep.
- Makes you feel loved type of cuddler
Wow this took me so long so I’m putting it up, yeah I know nobody asked for this but I want these boys to cuddle me, writing this killed me inside a lot, anyway hope you like it!
#free eternal summer#free!#free iwatobi swim club#free! headcanons#haruka nanase#makoto tachibana#rei ryugazaki#nagisa hazuki#rin matsuoka#souske yamazaki#nitori aiichirou#momotarou mikoshiba#xreader#imagine#cuddling x reader
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all the even numbers
Ok then.
2. Outgoing or ShyShy. I making hate eye contact so much I’m eligible for disability benefits.
4. Are you easy to get along with?I think so, as long as your willing to do all the heavy lifting in the conversation department
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Aggressive brunette women. Or more generally, I like people who have nerdy and weird interests but who aren’t annoying about it and aren’t squares.
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
Judge Judy
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
A homeless guy I met while waiting for the pharmacy to fill my order (he was waiting too). I forget his name, but we talked about waste in capitalism and what our ideal societies would be.
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
Answered this one earlier
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
No
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
No.
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
No. I imagine she has forgotten all about me.
20. Do you like your neighbors?
I don’t talk to them, but they seem fine.
22. Where would you like to travel?
Answered this one already
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
Getting drunk
26. What do you do when you wake up?
Curse the day I was born, check email and news on my phone
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
I guess my mum, but really it’s a 7 billion way tie with everyone on earth making me uncomfortable
30. Do you ever want to get married?
Maybe, although I think if I did it would just to make someone else happy.
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
No. I used to be really into basketball as a kid.
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Oh yeah. Never told any of my crushes really.
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
Funny, patient, pushes me out of my comfort zone, like horror movies and metal music (or at least is tolerant of them), dark hair, fangs, horns, bat wings
40. What do you want to do after high school?
I graduated from high school over a decade ago. I wanted to go into Graphic Design, but that didn’t work out (turns out I hated sitting in front of computer all day).
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
I have nothing to say. I am comfortable in silence.
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
Ocean. No critters to look at in space.
46. What are you paranoid about?
People secretly not liking me. Getting locked out of my apartment (When leaving I’ll check my pockets for my keys like six times).
48. Have you ever been drunk?
I’m drunk right now
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Black
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
Pretty much everything except my taste in things. Also bigger dick, obviously.
54. Favourite store?
I like used book stores, but I probably go to the liquor store the most.
56. Favourite colour?
Purple
58. Last thing you ate?
KFC
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Not that I can recall, no.
62. Been arrested? For what?
Nope. Too sneaky.
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
I was in I THINK 6th grade (maybe 7th). Our class was out camping by a lake (the school I went to would send the 5th, 6th, and 7th grades out to a camp for the last week of school). Her name was Laura, and I don’t really remember the context (it might have just been her goofing around). All I remember is it what by an archery range.
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Don’t have any real friends, so you guys win by default I guess
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
I prefer Tumblr but I do have a Twitter, which I mostly use for more political stuff (@jeremyehm if you’re curious). I find Twitter to be really toxic, everyone’s always arguing with each other and being assholes. Plus it’s just an endless cavalcade of bad news.
70. Names of your bestfriends?
Carling Black Label Supreme and Crown Royal
72. What colour are your towels?
Dark grey. This allows spiders to hide in them easily when they are hanging.
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
Zero.
76. What colour is your underwear?
Blue. The pattern is of a polar bear drinking bear.
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Strawberry
80. What colour pants?
Dark blue
82. Favourite movie?
Alien
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
Haven’t seen Mean Girls, so 21 Jump Street I guess.
86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?
The barracuda who eats Nemo’s mom at the beginning. I don’t watch Pixar movies, I think FInding Nemo was actually the last one I saw.
88. Last person you talked to today?
The cashier at KFC
90. Name a person you love?
My mum and dad, I guess
92. In a fight with someone?
No, and if I got into one I would lose (unless my opponent was like a baby or on crutches or something).
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
One hoody that I never wear. Should probably give it away to a homeless shelter now that I think about it.
96. Favourite actress?
Edwige Fenech, or Meiko Kaji
98. Do you tan a lot?
I’m part Irish, Danish and English, so I tend to burst into flames when in direct sunlight rather than tan.
100. How are you feeling?
Not too bad. A bit gassy.
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
Mostly everything, yeah.
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Not really.
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
I don’t think so. I remember towards the end of my senior year there was a girl in my grade who, in retrospect, was hitting on me/trying to hang out with me all the time. I was totally clueless and left her hanging, but I imagine I’m easy to get over.
108. What should you be doing?
Fuck off, it’s my birthday. I’ll do it tomorrow
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Not really no. Crushes are always a little uncomfortable, but since it’s impossible for someone to like me back I can usually just push it to the back of my mind.
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Therapist
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
I’ve been down to Seattle and Los Angeles before. Never been to another province of Canada though!
116. Are you listening to music right now?
Yes (listening to the Misfits). Unless I’m watching a movie or sleeping I’m listening to music.
118. Do you like Chinese food?
Love it
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
No.
122. Is cheating ever okay?
No
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.
126. Are you currently bored?
A little
128. Would you change your name?
I think I like my current name fine. Unusual without being weird.
130. Do you like subway?
The sandwich chain? No, it sucks ass.
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Hey this is a duplicate question. Nice job, whoever originally posted this.
134. Can you count to one million?
Yes. I won’t though.
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Closed.
138. Curly or Straight hair?
Straight, but I don’t really care.
140. Summer or Winter?
They kinda suck equally, but I guess there isn’t any snow in Summer, so I’ll go with that.
142. Favourite month?
I’m going to say April or May. Warm and breezy.
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
Milk, although I don’t really like sweets.
146. Was today a good day?
It was pretty good, went to the dispensary, bought a pipe that’s shaped like a wizard.
148. What’s your favourite quote?
Like this statement from the IRA following a botched assassination attempt on Margaret Thatcher and her cabinet: “Today we were unlucky, but remember we only have to be lucky once. You will have to be lucky always”
I also like a quote from a Maoist responding to Kruschev’s comment that while he was the son of a peasant while the Maoist was from the aristocracy: “We have something in common: we are both traitors to our class.”
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
From “The Best Short Stories of J.G. Ballard”: “I’m beginning to realize it was a mistake to put them in there-all those lights blazing down, the huge floors, high walls.”
Whew, that took awhile. Thanks for asking.
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10/28/19
Today was one of those days. I woke up foggy from smoking too much weed the night before and literally felt negative and foggy all the way throughout the school day and now its 3:27pm and I’m trying to have a new start. However, that crazy thing is happening in my body where there are voices growing louder and louder. Also, every single sound that my ears and brain process sounds like its growing louder and is attacking me. It feels like the more I type, the louder the typing noise is and the more it is interpreted in my body with so much insane amounts of stress, like that as I am typing that there is someone saying out loud in an angry tone toward me. The voice grows louder and more angry and more stressed and aggressive and it will not quiet. I smoked some from my weed pen and it only continues to grow louder, the weed did not still or calm the voices. And the stress continues to grow like something bad is about to happen, but nothing bad is actually happening it is like an illusion. Like I’m sitting here panicking but actually everything is fine.
I feel like within a few minutes it will quiet. I’m going to try an experiment.
I love you
Everything is okay
You are going to be okay
Just wait until it passes for a few more minutes.
Work today was frustrating because (mostly because) of my own headspace. Like I simply felt like I was waiting all day to wake up. I thought the foggy would pass sooner, but alas it did not so I was essentially impatient and grumpy all day. This weekend I spent time doing things that were hopefully going to sooth me and make me ready for the week. I still think in the end I did a great job with self-care and that the weakness of my weekend was doing so much to my body that is self-destructive sometimes. Like i smoked a shit ton of weed all three nights, and drank a lot on Saturday night. I stayed up late and I didn’t process my thoughts and emotions.
My therapist said that she’d love to see me writing more, and I too would love to see me writing more. So this tumblr titled, “Han Reflects”, is me making a space in the universe to process my thoughts freely and only for me. I want to reflect and process more, so that I can be the most engaged and present in my life. It’s okay to check-out every once in a while, but recently I’ve been doing a lot more checking-out than engaging in my life. It’s like life is so much and it just feels unbearable to make it through an entire day without checking-out. Most days actually every day I come home and immediately smoke a cig on the patio. I sneak the last bit of sun, or put my feet up for the first time all day. I then go on my phone for an hour, and then usually I struggle to get up and go where I am supposed to be later that night, like a date with a friend or therapy or to clean the Airbnb or go work out or something. These habits don’t help me process, take care of my mood and mindset and physical health, nor do they help me rest and rejuvenate even though my impulses like to think they do.
If I were to zoom out on my life and analyze it like a literary novel, I would do a character study on my habits and values. Based on a data chart of how I spend my time, it appears that my greatest values are belonging, euphoria and learning. My habits are reading NYT, smoking cigs, sex, smoking weed, therapy, art making, time with mariel and alicia, taking meds, masturbating, youtube, social media, cooking, grocery shopping, calling my mom, instagram, cleaning, driving, shopping. I do things to make me feel good, experience floating, push me toward moments of euphoria and giddy energy. I like to learn about what’s happening in the news and with the people whose lives I watch pictures of. I want to belong to a family, a person, a community and I spend lots of quality time investing in the relationships that really matter to me: Mom Dad Matt Zach Mariel Alicia Lennox
I have pretty low balances in my bank account right now but I get paid in a couple days. There’s a long list of new clothes that I want to purchase. I spent a shit ton on clothes and goodies this past month, way more excessive than I ever have I think. I feel like its a pendulum movement that started in August when I dropped $366 at Urban Outfitters. Speaking of which, I sent two emails of feedback to Urban Outfitters and Airbnb on Friday.
Its hard to stay focused, there’s all kind of thoughts and feelings buzzing about in my mind.
Last night I sat on the porch at sunset, smoking a cig of course, and I watched the light shine through the leaves of the trees in my alley way. It was golden light and there is a spot where the light is hitting the roof of a home and the roof intersects visually with leaves of a tree waving in the wind. There were wee bugs flying and drifting about in this space of intersection, appearing like fireflies with their backs reflecting sun’s light. The moved about and I watched them, amazed and mesmerized.
Time moves quickly, there is never enough time but mostly never enough natural motivation and incentive to do the hard work of life. To go to the grocery store, to the gym, to the walk around the block, to the forgotten friend’s porch, to call your brother, to stay sober, to read and to study and to do the inconvenient but ultimately helpful and life bettering tasks like vacuuming out your car and returning your Everlane order.
What holds you back? Is it too hard to stay with a sober mind? Is it too much to bear the anxiety of being in public? Is it too much to ask you to give a little more after work, after giving your whole self away over and over and over? Is it too much to endure intentional conversation which wears you out? Is it too much to bear the discomfort of panting, sweating and mental frustration? Is it too much to focus on reading more than a few pages of a good story? Is it too much to bend over and scrub out the mold from the floor of your car? Yes that one is too much.
I am twenty two. I turn twenty three in 16 days. That’s pretty exciting but also intimidating, like woah Im 23 im bout to be 24 then 25 then 26 then 27 then 28 then 29 then 30, like that was so easy to type out all those numbers and already its 30>??? The years are just going to fly by as quick as I typed them, 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100. ?
80-22=58
If i live to be 80, then I’ve only got 58 more years to live. Wow! I’m like a quarter of the way through my life. Thats a significant chunk. I hope that I get to live until I’m 100 as long as I have love in my heart.
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the airport AU, part 119
by rjdaae and hopsjollyhigh
Previous parts:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30
31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40
41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50
51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60
61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70
71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80
81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90
91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100
101, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10
111, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
---
DARIUS
The smile that Darius offers in return is tinged with an unusual sadness. “I am happy here,” he agrees. “I just wish it were that simple for everyone else- here, this is our stop.”
He ushers Christine off of the train, walking just behind her to be certain not to lose her as a new wave of people enter, moving the opposite direction. They emerge onto a platform that smells of old food and wet stone, and he motions for her to follow him as he heads towards the gate; once the noise of the crowd fades, he continues speaking.
“I’m happy, but I know that Khan isn’t. He couldn’t bear being in Iran any longer, but spends every day missing it. I don’t know if there’s a place in the world right now where he could really be happy. Paris is isolating to him, though. And with what happened the other day, he’s only retreated more in the past few days.”
He isn’t certain whether he can make Christine understand what he sees every day- has been seeing for years now. She never knew him as he was. He remembers Khan being athletic and cunning, constantly moving, always doing something- now, more often than not, Khan spends his days sitting in a chair, watching things that he doesn’t care about on television and waiting for Erik to have a problem. Without Erik as his project, Darius fears that Khan might fade into nothingness. He seems like a shadow of a person sometimes, just barely moving around the apartment. And Darius feels so helpless watching him- no word of comfort seems to make any difference. Day by day, he deteriorates, collapsing in on himself in a private struggle that Darius has no ability to aid him in.
“I swear,” he sighs. “Khan will talk all day about the help that Erik should be getting, but he would never accept any help for himself. It got worse when we got to Paris, I guess, but nothing in Iran helped him, either.”
He sets his jaw for a moment, attempting to clear his head. He wanted today to be about having a good time with Christine, but some issues just seem to permeate every facet of his life- and he has so few people to talk to candidly about it. He forces a smile that seems a bit more optimistic.
“It’s a lot, I don’t mean to spill it all on you. Out of everyone here, I’m just sorry you got picked by the most dysfunctional trio in Paris,” he says, really only half-joking in an attempt to lighten the mood.
---
CHRISTINE
As the spartan grey concrete of the train platform slowly gives way to bright glass and steel, Christine is quiet, only giving the occasional nod when Darius looks across at her; the way she sees it, she’s said enough already. Memories nudge at the edge of her mind, but sharing them would be too presumptuous—too painful. She’s left walking a delicate line: listening closely, trying to give her friend’s worries the full attention that they merit—but at the same time, trying to keep herself from thinking too deeply on what he is telling her. She sweeps her gaze over their new surroundings, trying to distract herself from the painful knot welling up in her throat; here, too, decoration for the holidays has begun, and the sight of a strand of Christmas lights sends Christine’s eyes to the floor again.
Maybe Darius picks up on the things that she isn’t saying; or maybe he regrets the turn of conversation for his own sake, his eyes sad and distant and reminding Christine, ever so briefly, of those of the man of whom he speaks—a resemblance born of shared pain, if not shared blood. Whatever the case, he tugs his expression into a new smile; apologizes; clearly trying to shake the pall of the past few minutes. Christine has the grace to offer a small smile of her own at his joke, but the overall look speaks more of sympathy than it does amusement.
“Even if you *were*,” she rebuts, in a tone lighter than she feels, “I wouldn’t wish to have been picked by anyone else.”
---
DARIUS
Finally, the returning smile feels natural rather than forced, as they push away from the upsetting nature of their conversation.
“Well. Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but we’re all certainly glad that you’re here,” he says to her, and takes a few steps to the side before stopping to look around at their surroundings.
They’ve made their way properly into the mall, and here, there are no strange looks for conversation in a different language- tourists from all over the world wander the vast halls with shopping bags. The murmur of conversation is everywhere, bright bursts of laughter standing out like rays of light. People lean against railings and take pictures together, giggling and making faces; it always brightens Darius’ mood to see such crowds of people.
“Paris has such wonderful decorations for Christmas,” he says, gesturing to the festive garlands that have begun to appear around the area. “I love to look at all of it, even if I don’t celebrate it. The streets are beautiful when it snows, and there are lights everywhere- it really makes a dreary season so much more tolerable,” he says, motioning for her to follow him as he starts moving through the crowd, going slowly to be certain that she doesn’t fall behind or get lost. “Even without the holidays close, this place is a lot to take in. This place has everything. So you’re not going to be the only one shopping today,” he says good-naturedly. “I haven’t been out for clothes in a long time, so we’ll both get some new things.”
---
CHRISTINE
For a moment, she envies him—able to enjoy the colourful trappings of the holiday from a safe distance; appreciating each light and piece of tinsel for its own merits, without the ache of the things that *should* have been there. At the same time, his enthusiasm helps to draw her thoughts away, reminding her of how much there still is *to* appreciate. She smiles again as she follows Darius forward into the babble of shoppers.
It’s hard to believe that this *isn’t* a routine trip for him; even putting aside the fact that he always seems to be dressed like someone out of a magazine, Darius seems as comfortable amongst the upscale shops as he does back on his own street. For her part, Christine feels out of her depth. On all sides, expensive-looking goods shine from behind walls of plate glass—with even-more-expensive-sounding names hanging overhead; a few familiar logos jump out amidst the tangle of French, but none are places that she could have afforded to consider shopping at before now. Her eyes trail across the window of each shop as they pass, and she lets herself imagine actually *buying* the things she can see on offer; reminds herself that that *isn’t* such a far-fetched idea, after all, anymore.
“I’d…like to find a jacket,” she says, her voice sounding unsure in her own ears; light glints from a display of brilliant, cut-crystal figurines, echoed in the flash of Christine’s eyes as she turns them towards Darius. “I mean…I don’t *have* to get one *here*. But… Everything else I need is really basic—just a couple of shirts, maybe a spare pair of jeans. I can find them somewhere else. I can find *a jacket* somewhere else. But…it would be nice to find, well, a *nice* one,” she finishes, sounding no more certain than she had to begin with—and doubting that she’s making half as much sense.
---
DARIUS
As clear as it may be in her voice and disposition, Darius is at a level of distraction that does not allow him to absorb Christine’s uncertainty. The suggestion of shopping for a jacket sounds like perfect fun to him; he replies with his usual cheer.
“Of course!” he says. “There’s no shortage at all of places to get nice jackets here, I’m sure you’ll find something you like. Here, we can start right in here.”
He leads Christine gently by the arm into the nearest clothing store, an H&M. It’s a good start, he thinks- he shops there, anyway. Plus, he has no concept of how much money Christine has.
If he took a moment to consider it, he may have realized that it would be of some comfort to her that he expects Erik to have given her money. He knows as well as anyone that Erik is predisposed to give vast amounts of material wealth and to the people he cares about, occasionally in place of a functional understanding of how friendships actually work. But he isn’t thinking about the potential awkward situation that it could cause for her- he is focused on shopping, and his own budget.
And the display of slim-fit patterned shirts to his left as he enters the store.
The majority of the store is women’s clothing, so he points a few basic areas out to Christine and giving her instructions to meet her by the dressing rooms before disappearing into the men’s section. The sound of conversation is muted here, and blocked a bit by the music coming through the speakers. It is a bit more peaceful than the general mall outside. As much as he loves to buy new clothes, he is cautious with money. Having hired the new manager recently, he isn’t looking to go on any sort of spree, and walks in loops debating for some time- he doesn’t want to buy more than a couple things. And he already has so many pastel and printed shirts at home. He ends up with a sensible forest green collared shirt, and a more relaxed fit in slate gray to try on after a solid amount of time picking through racks and weighing options against one another. Not the most exciting things he could buy, but he does indulge a little bit, picking a black silk scarf off of the rack- there are plenty of things that it could go well with, he reasons.
And right outside the dressing rooms, he finds a rotating rack of accessories- sunglasses. He stands in front of the spinning mirror, trying on nearly every pair on the rack as associates hover nearby, seemingly anxious about whether he intends to pick apart their display, and he waits for Christine to come over.
---
CHRISTINE
Christine could almost laugh when she notices the logo that Darius is steering her towards. To come so far—what will Mama say, when she learns that Christine’s first footstep into the world of ’Parisian fashion’ landed in a store that they had once lived just down the street from.
As Darius vanishes between a display shelf and a rack of coats, though, Christine is rather grateful for the familiarity of her surroundings.
She adjusts her purse on her shoulder, turning to scan the stacks of neatly-folded blouses on the nearest table; the rows of skirts and dresses hanging just beyond. She wanders forward, idly skimming through the rows.
It’s uncanny, really: other than the specific pieces of clothing on display—and the abundance of euro symbols—she could nearly be back in Gothenburg.
Back in Gothenburg, in those days when Paris was only the most misty dream; before she ever needed it to *be* more than that.
“Puis-je vous aider, mademoiselle?”
Christine startles, a soft, “—Va?” escaping as she turns her gaze away from the small cluster of mannequins that she suddenly realises she’s been staring at; a young woman with short-cropped black hair and a lanyard returns her gaze.
“Puis-je vous aider?” repeats the girl, perhaps two or three years younger than Christine herself; she gives a meaningful glance towards the display of mannequins, and Christine shakes her head, suddenly understanding.
“Ne–non. Non, merci,” Christine says, taking an apologetic step backwards. “Um… Ça va.”
The other girl purses her lips, but only gives a shrug before moving off towards a pair of young teenagers who seem on a mission to unfold every t-shirt within grasping range.
Christine glances up at the mannequins again, actually focusing on them this time. The nearest wears a furry-looking sludge-coloured sweater over glossy red pants that practically sparkle in the bright lights of the store. Her nose wrinkling in a mixture of amusement and distaste, she leaves the questionably-attired figure behind, and forges forward into the grove of clothing racks, determined to begin her exploration in earnest.
It doesn’t take long to spot the assortment of jackets that hang at one corner of the store; more difficult is resisting the impulse to seek out the clearance rack instead. It’s a strangely discomfiting feeling, simply *considering* spending more money than strictly necessary, and she tarries—assuaging her conscience by picking up a couple of shirts with comforting red stickers on their tags, along with a flower-dotted skirt that’s nearly as cheap as anything she could have bought secondhand.
Her first instinct, when she finally allows herself to consider the jackets, is to find something on the order of the one that she’d had before; after all, it had always been a favourite of hers, with its light, silky fabric, precisely the shade of a clear morning.
But she discards the idea nearly as quickly as it comes to her; it’s too easy now to picture that pale blue nylon shot-through with red.
Something different, then. Something that won’t bring to mind blood and panic.
Browsing through the racks, she quickly finds several options that practically *define* ’different’: jackets that are close-fitting and sharply-tailored, rigid where the old one was yielding, as opposite to it in style as they are in colour. Without letting herself look at its tag, she pulls one from its hanger—faux leather with a wide collar, in a purple so dark that it’s nearly black—and carries it over to a nearby mirror; holds it up against her shoulders.
It does look different; that she can’t deny. She tilts her head to the side, smoothing a hand across the dimpled leatherette. Its dark shade makes her hair look even brighter by comparison, and the rugged material feels solid, secure.
But as much as it doesn’t remind her of her old jacket, it doesn’t remind her of *herself* either.
Her lip quirks as she gives her reflection one last glance before turning back to the clothing rack.
And then, after digging through a few more rows of jackets, she finds it.
The cut isn’t so different from that of the purple one—but the soft, dove-grey suede from which it is sewn is entirely distinct. A strip of imitation lambskin rounds the cuffs and collar: silky curls that brush against Christine’s fingertips as she reaches to take it from the rack, her purse strap slipping from her shoulder in anticipation.
She doesn’t wait to get to the mirror before shrugging the soft garment on over her sweater dress; she doesn’t have to see her reflection to know that the jacket is *her*. But she makes herself *see* it—lets herself be *convinced*—before she allows herself to check the price.
Her smile shakes a bit when she reads, ’70 EURO’.
She looks into the mirror again.
This is what Erik *wanted* her to do with his money. Even before he offered to help her pay for anything (and everything) else, hadn’t he insisted specifically upon replacing the jacket that she’d sacrificed on his account?
She peels the jacket from her shoulders, her grip on the soft fabric light and noncommittal as she carries it back towards the display.
The other clothes that she has picked out still lay where she left them, on a shelf beside the rack.
She picks them up, shifting the grey jacket into her other arm, before scanning for the dressing rooms where Darius asked her to meet him.
---
DARIUS
Still oblivious to any turmoil going on in Christine’s mind, Darius turns at the sound of her footsteps, a ridiculous pair of blue-tinted sunglasses taking up far too much of his face. “What do you think of this new style?” he asks, tossing his shirts over his shoulder to strike a pose- narrowly missing hitting the rack itself. He turns back and mutters “sorry” at it, then looks back at her and flicks the glasses down his nose enough to peer over them at her.
“Ah, you found a jacket! Look at that. It’s nice,” he says cheerfully, and removes the glasses from his face altogether. The hovering employee walks away as he puts them back and turns away from the display. He hasn’t managed to mess it up- or to knock it over completely.
“Looks soft. Is there anything else you need in here?” he asks. “I don’t have to try anything on, I shop here enough that I don’t need to try these things on.
The coat does suit her- its gentle gray color only accentuates the clear blue of her eyes; it truly looks Nordic, with the muted colors and lambskin. Whatever Christine’s doubts may be, Darius immediately makes the connection between her and the coat; it just seems to make sense to him that she would buy it, given that she’s looking for a coat, anyway. He doesn’t pause to consider the price.
---
CHRISTINE
Christine keeps her grip loose on the jacket as she walks, still pretending as if she might simply change her mind and return it to the nearest rack at any moment—still wary of the whisper that tells her that she *should*.
She knows there’s no *rational* reason for it, for any of it: no reason for the nagging feeling of dread that rolls like an undertow beneath her pleased expression; no reason for her to put the jacket back, or to feign that she might do so.
The jacket is perfect. Just her style; just what she *needs*. Nothing like she’d imagined, and yet exactly what she was hoping for.
Other than the price, at least—but, thanks to Erik, she shouldn’t worry about that either.
‘Shouldn’t’. Easier said than done.
Yet, even as a part of her balks at each footstep that carries her farther away from the winter-wear department, her light touch only just keeping the jacket from slipping from her bent elbow, there is another that twists its invisible fingers ever-tighter into the faux-suede treasure—small and tentative, but wonderfully selfish and unworried, smiling a smile that is kept secret only from her own fretful conscience.
The grin—and her nervousness—cracks into a laugh when Christine finally finds Darius: he may have the *style* of somebody in a magazine, but perhaps not the *grace* to go along with it; she bites her lip, muffling her amusement as her friend turns back around.
“Thanks,” she replies to his comments, adjusting the jacket to give him a better view of it, “it seemed really nice. And I do really need it.” She bites her tongue before she’s able to comment on the price.
She glances at the various pieces of clothing that Darius holds. “I found a couple of other things, but I don’t really need to try them on; just some t-shirts. And…” she separates the skirt from her own small pile of items, “I don’t think that I need *this* one, anyway; I can just put it back. There isn’t really anything else I need here."
---
DARIUS
“Great!” Darius says, cheerful as ever. “It all looks wonderful, you do need some new things. It just feels nice to wear new things sometimes.”
He glances around the store; the music is loud, and the lighting is beginning to give him a bit of a headache- like he’s been looking at a screen for too long. “Okay, then. I like shopping, but it can be exhausting, can’t it? Here, we’ll check out and go get a coffee or something, think about whether we want to go anywhere else.”
His hand brushes her shoulder briefly as if to whisk her along as he heads towards the checkout; he’s satisfied with what he has, and she seems content with her purchases. He turns back to her again as he walks.
“They’re used to people who can’t speak perfect French here, it’s a popular tourist mall, but of course you can ask me if you need any help with the cashier,” he tells her over his shoulder. “I could do the transaction for you, but it’s probably good practice to try, right? And even better in a touristy area where they expect it.”
The line isn’t terribly long, and an array of amusing products make the wait seem short- bargain skin care products, cheap makeup and jewelry, and even more sunglasses for Darius to examine. He plops a floppy black wool hat on Christine’s head, and laughs, his voice bright. “Look at that. Fancy. But it’ll squish your hair,” he says, removing it just as quickly and setting it back on the shelf before a cashier finally calls him over to pay. He takes one last look back at Christine before he heads over, and reassures her- “just call over if you need me!”
---
(Part 120)
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Thoughts and goals and plans
CAUTION! LONG TEXT INCOMING!
(TL;DR further down)
So, here I am, writing another post. I’ve thought about a lot of things this April, and also I realized quite a few things, so bear with me.
Having worked in proper sales for 9 months - for a cell phone carrier nonetheless - taught me some stuff.
If your boss is a dick, scrutinizing every word you say, verbally offending the whole staff when sales weren’t 100% the day before, still moaning about sales when they hit 100%, pressuring everyone to get at least 150% a day, having no people skills whatsoever and not selling anything themselves (and if they did, there was an 80% chance, the customer came back and complained...) or otherwise being any kind of role model, GET. THE FUCK. OUT. OF. THERE!
If not for a damn cool co-worker, I probably would have quit after 3 months already…
So I told everyone and their dog, that I can’t keep up with that shit anymore, it got to the boss, we had the creepiest friendly talk in all of those 9 months and they laid me off. The temp agency I was hired through laid me off as well shortly after, but there was a 4 weeks notice, so I enjoyed about 4 weeks of freedom.
Don’t get me wrong, the work itself can be quite nice, goes by quickly and the money was great. But I’d rather keep my sanity and earn a couple of 100 bucks less than being loaded and going insane...
While working at the store, I literally did nothing after coming home. Just sitting their, watching youtube and netflix, one thing after another. I made like 2 or 3 drawings in over 6 months? Shit...
Without the mental stress I went back to drawing quickly as you might have recently seen, although I only published a handful of drawings.
So, doing a retrospect of April in my mind, inspired by a couple of “rules for success” articles and videos I’ve read and watched, and a private furry con in a friend's garden with a total of about 20 people, I attended this weekend, a few things came to my mind.
I have lots of flaws I need to work around.
I’m a master of procrastination. I’m unorganized and all over the place.
I’m socially awkward, even being with nice and understanding peeps like this weekend.
So if I ever really want to achieve my goal of being a self-employed artist, I need to do it properly, I need to understand it as work. I did draw and practice almost the whole month, but there’s not much to show for it and I can’t think of a day where I didn’t get distracted by shit. It’s easy when you’re sitting home alone and you’re not accountable, just enjoying life a bit too much.
But if you don’t take what you do seriously, nobody will take YOU seriously!
So after the party, yesterday morning at around 5 AM, I started drafting countermeasures. A plan to follow, making schedules, pondering about doing more NSFW art etc.
One main point that I neglected going into hermit mode, is my audience. You guys! And for that I’m sincerely sorry. Having worked in sales and usually babbling and ranting A LOT (if there’s someone to listen, also this post is exhibit A), I have an amazing talent to NOT communicate with you guys. And I want to change that ASAP. I want to talk to you more, be more open about myself and my work (as an artist), and listening to your opinions, ideas, suggestions! You matter the most, because without you, there’s really no point to it.
So a thousand times, thank you! Thanks for bearing with me, thanks for not abandoning me, thanks for leaving comments and especially thanks to those, who welcomed me back after a long absence! I got a super warm and fuzzy feeling from that :)
Essentially I’m going to build a proper work schedule, including streaming into it, and a rework of my Patreon. I also thought about offering merch via society6 or a similar site.
My tangible goal is to use the free time I have being unemployed, to build a steady monthly net income of at least 500€ in the shortest time possible, but not exceeding one year (cause then the unemployment benefits get halved and the jobcenter will “fuck [you] in the ass! RAW, with 30 dicks!” - quote by Arin Hanson aka Egoraptor of Game Grumps fame).
TL;DR
I’ve gotten myself laid off by my workplace and want to dedicate 100% of my time being unemployed to reaching self-employment. I want to take it seriously and schedule my work time, including streaming into it, a rework of my Patreon and potentially merch. I want to engage more with you, my audience and reach a monthly net income of at least 500€ within a max time of a year.
Double that though and my dream won’t be a dream anymore. :)
Luckily you can live okay with 1000 bucks / month in my little city in Germany.
So yeah, wish me… determination and endurance I guess. :)
So what about you peeps? Do you have any experience with self-employment or a same / similar situation? Any tips, tricks, or life-hacks and, of course, encouragement are appreciated!
Thanks for reading this slew of words!
Yours sincerely
draneas
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Brandon Bear is the head coach at Blacksburg High School in Virginia. Both the boys and girls programs are regional to national caliber teams and both have qualified for NXN in recent years. The girls program is also in contention to win a Hoka Postal National title this year.
High School Harrier: Your girls program is ranked #9 in our pre-season national rankings and #2 in our pre-season Hoka rankings. Do you feel your team is ready to meet or exceed those expectations?
Brandon Bear: Looking at the girls team that we have this year and knowing how much our top 5 runners have improved since last cross country season, I feel confident in going after a Top 10 spot at NXN. I think with some minor adjustments in our training compared to last year, we will be in great shape to see if we can get close to Blacksburg’s best finish at Nationals which is 6th. If we can get that, I would be extremely happy with this season. These girls are very driven and I think we’re in a great mental space for the long haul, and they’re all in agreement with my season plans with the Nationals goal in mind.
HSH: How important is the Hoka Nationals for your program and why did you choose to be a part of it?
BB: I like sending in our times for Hoka Nationals because I think it is good to see the well-roundedness of the team. We don’t place a tremendous amount of importance in it, and in 2016 the girls didn’t even know I sent the times in until I told them we were sitting in 2nd . To see that they’re 2nd in the national rankings helps boost confidence moving forward into track season after focusing our training on XC for half of the year. Many of our younger runners at first typically go into track season concerned about their speed, but seeing how impressive their 3200m times can be in perspective makes it easier to convince them that not changing our training much between XC and track is okay. It’s easy to think that track equals more speed workouts, but I try not to change too much of what works.
HSH: Do you plan on doing a Hoka race this year and if so, when?
BB: I don’t plan on running a Hoka race for this year. Usually we are able to use times from our first indoor track meet since that falls before the Hoka deadline. I’m a bit hesitant to add another race on their legs during the cross country season when we’re preparing for post-season and Nationals, and it lets us focus on one thing at a time. But I wouldn’t be opposed to it in the future if our schedule opens up.
HSH: How big is your team and what process do you use to select members of the program?
BB: Right now we’re sitting at around 90 total athletes, with a little more than 40 girls and 50 boys. For a school our size it is awesome to have that many athletes out for the team. They’re absolutely the spectrum of abilities, but they all give us 100% which is all I ask of them. We don’t do any cuts with our program, it’s important to me to have a program designed for everybody. We’re going to have athletes trying to make it on the National stage, and others who like to be on the team because their friends are on the team. It all works for me as long as I can promote and educate healthy lifestyle choices and help them develop an enjoyment of the activity of running and live long, happy, healthy lives. I like to tell the kids that I’d have the entire school do cross country if it were feasible. I think that mindset allows us to continue having a big program with mutual respect between the athletes and coaches, and we’ll continue to grow because of it.
HSH: Do you have any team members you feel are ready to have a breakout season?
BB: I’m pretty excited about this season, and the nice thing about it is that I wouldn’t say it’s because of any one athlete. For the girls I think we will see Ailene Edwards and Kaitlynn Wolfe in no particular order as a strong 1-2 punch, and I’m aiming for them to be in the 17:30s at NXN SE this year. Simonne Guenette, Sophia Link, and Emily Fitch are all capable of running under 18:30, and if all five of these girls can do this on the same day we’ll be in excellent shape to go after our team goals. But we can’t be reliant on the top 5, and I think we’ve got a crew of girls that can go after those 6 and 7 spots. That’s what we need to make sure we continue to repeat the trip to Portland. For the Boys team we graduated our top 2 spots but I’m continually impressed by the young talent that has come out for the team this year. At the beginning of this summer I was planning on going into this season as a rebuilding year for the boys. Now I think there is no reason why we shouldn’t be aiming for the podium at the State meet. 1st place will be difficult with Loudoun Valley in our classification, but I’ll happily aim for 2nd ! With all the fresh blood on the boys side, I’m setting a personal goal of getting 15 boys under 18:00 and I think that’s achievable from what I’ve seen so far.
HSH: Are there any big regular season meets your team is looking forward to?
BB: The big three for us will be Adidas and Great American at the Cary, NC course and the MileStat Invitational near Richmond. The first two are great opportunities for the girls to flex their muscles a bit and see where we stand against some of the best competition in the Southeast before NXR. For the boys I’m not quite sure what to expect yet, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs so we’ll put it all out there and see where we’re at in the moment. I try to make sure that no matter what happens we treat it as a learning experience and it will make us better in preparation for States. Most likely as they’ve already been doing this summer the boys will surprise me. Ultimately we’re looking forward to racing in Cary at NXR with the girls for the chance to earn some tickets to Portland, and it’s great to take the boys down there as well to keep that level of competition fresh in their minds.
HSH: What is your favorite go-to workout and why do you do that workout?
BB: I’ve become fond of starting workouts (after a 15 minute warmup) with a tempo run between 7-15 minutes on grass followed by mid-distance intervals at slightly faster than lactate threshold followed by some speed such as 200m repeats or hills. It doesn’t make the kids super tired but gives them a great workout that hits a bit of everything, and they’re recovered from it 2-3 days later. I think it helps them build strength for the long distances they have to race, and be able to finish the race strong. I’ve tried to avoid workouts that put the athletes in a hole that takes a while to come out of because then we’re missing out on valuable time where they can be doing mileage or get in another workout or even a good race. And I think it’s a confidence builder when they can finish a workout and know they got in great work for that day but feel like they could possibly do more if I were to ask it of them. These workouts have also helped with season training holistically; we don’t really need to taper much for big races and can more easily transition from one season to another without much of a break due to being beat up from a long season. It’s about continual progression week by week throughout the year rather than putting all of our eggs in one basket. I also like giving an 80-100m minute run on Saturdays with the last 15-20 minutes at tempo. We do that sort of long run workout all the time and it’s been great for keeping them strong over the long haul.
HSH: What do the training of a varsity upperclassmen look like?
BB: We work to get the girls up to roughly 50 miles a week and the boys up to around 60 miles a week, though our training is based on minutes rather than mileage. That seems to be a good limit for high school athletes, considering the stress and other demands that are also on them. Most of the season will be up around these numbers, with a little bit of tapering for some of the bigger races and towards the end of the season. We hit the weight room three times a week, jump rope, core, and do a variety of hurdle drills for flexibility. Workouts are typically on Mondays, longer runs are Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Wednesday and Friday runs are backed down a little and we add in the supplemental things like weights, drills, and plyometrics. If we don’t race on Saturday we do long runs, and I’m thinking for this year that when we do race on Saturday a bunch of those will be long days too just to keep our mileage up so that they’re staying strong throughout the season. Our long runs can get up to 90-100 minutes, and most of our workouts will be a mixture of tempo, threshold intervals, and strides. We’ll also be doing anywhere between 2-4 morning runs a week once we get really into the season to make sure our base is where we need it to be for November.
HSH: I’m an incoming freshman. What will my fall training and racing schedule look like?
BB: Similar to varsity, all of our training is based on time rather than distance and workouts are based on effort rather than hitting specific paces. We also break our training down into three groups – Varsity, JV, and Beginners. JV and Beginners come in with a subdued version of what the varsity runners do, and we try to make it a gradual progression so that over time the JV runners will feel more comfortable and able to do more of the Varsity runs. All of our Beginners will hopefully be doing the JV runs within the first two months. Those Beginners are encouraged to walk if they need to as they get used to this whole running thing, and they find fairly quickly that they don’t need to walk as much as they used to as the days and weeks go by. Many of our freshman feel comfortable going right into the JV training and they quickly adapt. Usually rather than a 60 minute run, they’d do between 30-45 minutes, and the workouts will be the same format with some fewer number of minutes for the tempo and a few less intervals.
HSH: What do you think is the single most important part of high school training?
BB: I think that if you want to build a consistently successful program, it’s important to first build a sense of community. We try to develop a culture where there is mutual respect between the athletes with each other, with the coaches, and with our local community. And it’s important to develop it to the point where respect, sportsmanship, and unbridled enthusiasm are unspoken expectations. There was a day over the summer when we were running a workout with the first half on our xc course and the second half on the track, and our middle school program (brand new this year) was doing a workout on the track at the time. I was on the course with some of the kids who were finishing up their part of the workout, and unknown to me the rest of the team was forming a cheering tunnel for the middle school athletes as they were finishing up. I found out about it days later when the middle school coach told me how excited the middle schoolers were about how awesome the high school athletes were to them. I was very proud of my kids that day and I would not expect any less of them because that’s who they are as a team and individuals. It’s that mentality which helps them as a group push each other to new limits, and allows our program to build every year.
HSH: Is there anything you do with the kids in the summer to make summer training more fun?
BB: We don’t do anything particularly special for summer training compared with training during the season, but outside of the training itself the team gets together towards the end of the summer for various team activities that they put on themselves. There’s the infamous annual “Man Day” that the boys put together, where they’ll do things like kickball and ultimate Frisbee followed by pizza. The girls do an annual clothes swap and tie dye. It’s great for the older kids to put these on every year to help the newer, younger kids feel a part of the group and get to know each other.
HSH: Does your team have any traditions that the athletes look forward to each year?
BB: Almost every year we do a big team trip towards the end of the season with a majority of the team. We find a big and fast cross country meet and give the athletes a great opportunity to run that season-ending PR. The past few years we’ve gone to the MileStat Invitational for this and it’s been an awesome experience for the team. Following the meet we go back to the hotel, clean up, and go to Kings Dominion amusement park for the rest of the night. The trip is a lot of fun for the team, and it’s great as a coach to hear them be as excited (if not more so) for the meet as they are for going to the park. They look forward to running fast times at that meet every year. We also have pre-meet pasta dinners hosted by different families every week and that’s always a blast trying to cram 60-80 kids into one house. The kids love spending that time together getting into the spirit of the race the next day, and the parents love putting it on for the team knowing that their kids are a part of something special.
HSH: Do you have any mottos or mantras for your program?
BB: I wouldn’t say that we have a special motto or saying or anything like that. I tried to think of something clever early on but everything seemed a bit cheesy so now I avoid it! Something I am saying a bit more recently is to aim not for perfection but for consistent improvement. Every day is a chance to be better than the day before, and if my athletes are putting in the time and the effort to improve themselves piece by piece then we are on the right track. It seems to me that aiming for perfection all the time doesn’t allow for setting attainable goals and can be exhausting. But we can all aim to be better from day to day by taking small steps towards attainable goals.
HSH: What do you do to foster the community/camaraderie of your program?
BB: For me it’s a matter of walking the walk. I try to take the time to get to know all of the athletes and make sure they feel comfortable with me as a coach and as a friend. We can goof off together and have fun, and know when to be serious and get the job done. They see that we as coaches respect them as people and have their best interests at heart not just with running but holistically, and they respect us back because of it. We help out at local road races because the community supports us and as a sport which is not as widely appreciated as other sports it’s important to be a force for good, and I tell them how lucky they are being in a town that does appreciate running. It’s a matter of putting everything into a broader perspective so they can appreciate what they have together.
HSH: What advice would you give to aspiring national level coaches?
BB: I think it mostly comes back to the relationships between the team – the athletes, the coaches, and the parents, and the administration. There is a tremendous amount of respect between all of these components, and that makes it easier to have buy-in by any new or developing athletes and parents. Last year was my first year as head coach, but because they all knew me as assistant coach with Blacksburg for the six years before taking over it was not as daunting a task for gaining their confidence that we can continue to be a distance powerhouse and continue the traditions that have been established. You could have the best training program in the world, but if the athletes and/or parents can’t get a read on you or you can’t get a read on them it’s not going to go anywhere. And praise the small successes, because over time all of the small successes can become one big success – for individuals and for the team. If something misses the mark along the way, we can easily adjust and go for it the next time. I’ve told the girls about my goals for the year with them, and I’m going to avoid talking about it the rest of the season! From this point forward we take it week by week and we’ll see what happens. The big lesson I personally learned when I first took over last year was to not do too much all at once. I tried to pick up a lot of training methods from different people and was very nervous to put it all together. I had ended up doing too much and burnt a group of the kids out fairly quick. It didn’t take long after that for me to learn that it’s best to pick up what I can about appropriate training but ignore a bulk of it! You can only do so much and there are many ways to skin this cat. I know there’s a lot of other things we could be doing to help the kids get stronger, but I like the training we’re doing so I’m going to trust in it and make minor adjustments through the years.
Photo Courtesy of MileStat.Com
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100 Questions personal and not so personal :) Please ASK! Off or on anon… (I’m gonna go ahead and answer these because Im procrastinating)
1. How long have you had a Tumblr? 2-3 years
2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?it was with a guy named Daniel at a football game, it was just a little peck.
3. What’s your biggest regret? What’s something from your past you wished you could have changed? I don’t dwell on past mistakes. once i have learned my lesson i don let the regret distract from what i could be doing now.
5. Favorite Songs at the moment? 24K Magic by Bruno Mars and Girls/Girls/Boys by Panic! at the Disco
5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done? idk but it probably involved my friend Taylor
6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you? one time I used the intercom at school to advertise for the school play, i miss judged my stage voice and spoke so super loud in an obnoxious pirate accent
7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them? i have a scar on my leg from when i broke it
8. Where would you like to be in 10 years? mentally I just hope to be happy
9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol? everything is good in moderation, but its important to follow any laws
10. What are your views on religion? you believe what you believe and ill believe what i believe and as long as we don’t interfere with each other whats the harm in being different
11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why? I’ve never wanted to kill myself but i have had intrusive thoughts about doing it
12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you. 1. my username always relates to my late dog Sunday 2. I’m 19 3. I was my high school mascot for 3 years GO JAGS!! 4. i absolutely hate strawberries 5. i always feeling like running away.
13. last really important text you got? my dad texted me good morning today
14. Can you let go? with some effort yes
15. Discuss your first love. she gave me life. she was my happiness. she was also an 8 pound dachshund named Sunday.
16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there. 1. Why don’t you Love Me by Hot Chelle Rae. 2. One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song 3. Cant Back Down from Camp Rock 4. Wobble by VIC 5. From Me To You by The Beatles 6. Homesick by ADTR 7. Thrift Shop by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis 8. I Can Do Whatever Im White by Rucka Rucka Ali 9. Cant be Tamed by Miley 10. Know Your Enemy by Green Day
17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit. Hawaii, i want to sit on the beach and play my ukulele and just be happy
19. What are your views on mainstream music? i usually like the popular stuff
18. Are you currently missing someone? yes, you probably know who you are
19. At what age do you think people should have sex? honestly have no idea, i guess its usually a good idea to follow the law ?
20. What are your highs and lows of this past year? high: he said yes and i got my own apartment and Clark, Low: i failed History and Rory.
21. What are your strongest beliefs?i believe that the world would be a better place with out Donald Trump
22. Who are you closest to in your family? i guess my mom but we don’t really talk about private stuff
23. How important do you think education is? education=knowledge=power
24. What’s one of your favorite shows? Doctor Who
25. How have you changed in the past 2 years? dear lord where do i begin? i have accepted that I’m not straight, i have gained so much confidence, i have been diagnosed as manic depressive, i have started seeing a therapist, i have lost a lot of friends but I’ve become ok with that. i started college and moved into an apartment
26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive. Brendon Urie, Jensen Ackles, Cara Delevingne, Jensen Ackles, Selena Gomez, Jensen Ackles, Julianne Hough.
27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about. The Goonies, these kids go out in search for lost pirate treasure.
28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why? Hunter, just the way he does things. i really wish i knew what he was thinking sometimes.
29. What kind of person attracts you? someone who is dorky and can make me smile (which isn’t hard to do honestly)
30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having? OVERTHINKING
31. Name something that you miss. i miss sleep
32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days. 1. I want to smile a little more 2. I want to ace my Chemistry exam 3. i want to go to Natchez 4. I want to see a movie 5. i want to play in the rain
33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point? highlight: i went an entire month with out seeing my roommate. Low: I’m being to think my friend isn’t a good friend
34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again? idk
35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why? not being enough because i over think shit too much
36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?
37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?
38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death?
39. What is your purpose in life?
40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?
41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do?
42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?
43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.
44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make?
45. What was the last decision you regretted making?
46. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?
47. Do you ever wish you were famous?
48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?
50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?
51. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
52. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
53. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?
55. What is one of your favorite memories?
58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?
59. Have you ever had your heart broken?
60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?
61. What is something you feel like you are really good at?
62. What are your top 5 favourite all time songs by your favourite artist?
65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?
66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?
68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?
69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?
70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you remember even though they were a complete stranger.
71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character? Scooby do
72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why? All Time Low its stuck in my head
74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding? Iol what wedding?
75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who? no but i think i show a striking resemblance to Tom Hanks
76. What’s one thing you can not live without? the internet
77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?
78. Are you a girly girl? Iol nope
79. What color is your bed? brown?
80. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? no preference
81. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? no
82. Do you have a best friend? yes
82. What song makes you cry the most? Say Something
83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?
84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?
watch the sunrise from the most eastern coast of the IS so in the first American to see the new day.
85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive? yes
86. Ever been really drunk? yes
87. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why?
90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories? no
91. Do you like somebody? yes
92. Craziest shit ever done?
93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news? who watches the news?
94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them? Danni, Anne Drew, and Rose
95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it? it is Danea
96. Are you in a relationship? yes
97. Do you enjoy drama? only from a distance
98. Are you a virgin? yes
99. Are you short or tall? average though some people would call me short
100. Do you have siblings? If so, what are their names and how old are they? i have a little brother named Garrett (Gare Bear) he is 15. and an older brother named Tyler he is 24
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