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cardboard-moon · 6 years

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40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

You probably already know me decently well or else you wouldn’t be reading this, so instead of rehashing the basic (boring) “getting to know me” questions I dug a little deeper and asked myself about what’s really important. Here is the result: 40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me. Enjoy!

1. What Parks and Rec character am I?

While I could argue for almost everyone on the show I’m probably most like Ben Wyatt: a white, brunette, and sad man who eats soup alone on a park bench (minus his love of math and rollerskate kink)

2: Top 5 books?

To Kill a Mockingbird, The Secret History, A Prayer for Owen Meany, The Help, 11/22/63

3: Top 5 movies?

Chinatown, Star Wars, Rear Window, National Treasure (nick cage can be good in small doses ok) and Nancy Drew (2007)

4: Top 5 shows?

Parks and Rec, B99, That 70′s Show, Mad Men, Arrested Development

5: Top 10 most iconic vines?

1) Chris is that a weed/Mary is that a police

2) Hi My Name is Trey I have A Basketball Game Tomorrow

3) Rebecca It’s Not What You Think

4) The one where the girl is just hitting elmo with a baseball bat

5) Anything Kermit but esp. the one where he falls off the building

6) You Know This Boy Got His Free Taco

7) 2 Bros Chillin in the Hot Tub

8) Waelcom to my Keeetchen we have bananis and avocadis

9) Whoever Threw That Paper Your Mom’s A Hoe

10) i spilled lipstick in your valentino bag (yOU SPILLED WHAHULAUG LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINE WHITE BAG)

6: Where do I see myself in 21 years?

One of my dreams in life is to marry the heir to a prestigious winery out in wine country. I have a vision of myself at 39, waking up at 10 AM on a tuesday and standing on my private balcony in my state-of-the-art spanish stucco villa. i am drinking a chardonnay despite the early hour whilst i observe my grape empire in my silk negligee. the only event planned for the day is a portrait sitting for my rottweilers (4 of them), for which i have arranged spaces in the family’s private art gallery. i am aging well despite the harsh california sun and my partner and i have a trip to tuscany planned for the fall. it’s a charmed life and i never tire of eating grapes

7: Top 5 favorite cryptids

1) Nessie (Nessie is a true lady I believe in her)

2) Mothman (not real)/ el chupacabra (possibly real)

3) the kraken (definitely real)

4) Bigfoot (not real but a legend anyways)

5) the yeti (real only in russia)

8: Do I Believe in Ghosts

It’s a complicated topic and of course we will likely never know for sure but the short answer is yes. in my opinion though, what ghosts are is the important question: are they really the dead coming back to haunt the earth? are they just manifestations of energy that the mind interprets into recognizable shapes? hallucinations? or is it wish fulfillment and the reduction of tensions on a heavy conscience? our brains are capable of powerful things, but it begs the question as to whether if a human desperately wants something to be true does the human mind have the power to make it true? c. s. lewis mentioned once that he never understood the ghost debate since, given that ghosts are real, they have no real power over us or anything interesting to say. but i believe that just goes to show how the mystery is far often more important than the solution.

9: Best/Worst Month of the Year

Best: May/November (spring/fall in full swing, holidays, time off school, great atmosphere) Worst: August (too dang hot & start of school)

10: What is one of my embarrassing secrets

I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was nine (velcro ftw)

11: What is my Dream Date

We go cryptid hunting in the woods and have a picnic in the dark; you supply dogs for entertainment and guardianship purposes, i supply drinks and the cryptozoological myths we are chasing. Afterwards we get gelato

12: Top 3 Presidents

(this is based solely on arbitrary opinion not policies) 1) Barry Obama 2) Lincoln 3) Millard Fillmore (his name is funny)

Honorable mention: jimmy carter (he was the only noncorrupt man in office for like 30 years before barry)

13: Top 3 Vice Presidents

1) John Adams, if nothing else but for the drama this man caused 2) Walter Mondale 3) the big boy JB

Honorable Mention: Nichard Rixon

14: Top 3 Secretaries of State

1) Madeline Albright 2) Henry Clay 3) Elihu P. Washburn

(note: secretaries of state have the funniest names, like Hamilton Fish (1869-1877) rest easy Mr. Fish)

15: Worst Activity they make you do in middle school PE

Middle school P.E. is the worst in general but I’m going to say either grading you on your shotput skills (?) or BMI (??) or just the tuesday run in general (luther kids know)

16: Top 4 Worst Scents

1) Washing a knife covered in peanut butter 2) Really cheap perfume that they sell in checkout lines at convenience stores 3) Olives 4) organic deodorant

17: Top 7 Conspiracy Theories

1) The Denver Airport is an underground military fallout shelter designed to protect the 1% from nuclear warfare

2) A Roman pope adjusted the Gregorian calendar so that his reign would fall on 1000 AD so we’re actually living in the year 1783

3) Paul McCartney is dead and was replaced prior to the Seargant Pepper album by a lookalike named Billy Shears

4) The state of Wyoming is a myth

5) Avril Lavigne died and was replaced back in the early 00’s

6) The Titanic sank because too many people went back in time to prevent it from sinking

7) Not to be cliche George Bush and the military-industrial complex orchestrated the 9/11 attacks (jet fuel can’t melt steel beams and all that)

18: Inside jokes with myself

I’m not usually a “gamer” but every year without fail someone introduces me to a game exactly at finals time and I get hooked and it ruins my gpa and study habits. This year it’s Stardew Valley, last year it was Dream Daddy and the year before that it was undertale and I blame Jojo for absolutely all of it bc they are usually the instigator. Anyway, every year I joke with myself about what game will derail my grades this year

19: Top 5 Worst Tactile Sensations

1) Putting tights or leggings on wet, hairy legs post-shower

2) Running fingernails along cardboard

3) Sweating in a turtleneck

4) Having wet, salty hair after swimming that drips down onto your back and makes the top of your shirt damp

5) Reaching into a bag of grapes and only finding really soft, slimy ones

20: Best Cat I’ve ever encountered

One time my friend and I were leaving Romancing the Bean and walking back to her car and the fattest, fluffiest, softest ginger cat I’ve ever seen came trotting up to us and flopped over at our feet. He was such a good boy!!! And so friendly with strangers!! He was very well groomed and just wanted some love, and whenever we stopped petting him he would jump up onto our legs and leave little wet paw prints everywhere, I wanted to kidnap him

21: Best dog I’ve ever encountered

All of them

22: Best squirrel I’ve ever encountered

My dad has befriended a squirrel named Nutty that likes to sneak into his office when the door’s open and steals peanuts. if the door is closed he’ll bang on it and scream until we acknowledge him

23: If I were a furry what would my fursona be

I do not know because I am not a furry. HOWEVER someone who is well-versed in furry matters told me once that I would be one of those long, nervous dogs like a greyhound maybe and tbh I could see it

24: Favorite/Least Favorite Disneyland Rides

My favorite has always been haunted mansion, except for the halloween season when it’s nightmare before christmas and then it’s thunder mountain. I just love the outside atmosphere of the house bc I’m a slut for that southern gothic architecture style. Worst is splash mountain because there’s no seatbelt and LOGICALLY i know I don’t need one but it doesn’t stop me from having a panic attack every time I get on and we go up the big hill as I worry about being flung from the toboggan across the park

25: Least favorite restaurant within 10 mile radius of my house

I live over by Porto’s so I am #blessed to be surrounded by some really dope food. However there is a hipster place a couple of blocks over in Toluca Lake that only serves bizarre food like fried chicken in maple syrup with waffle fries and it’s surprisingly bland, so the lack of taste combines with how expensive it is probably makes it the worst (it’s also forgettable bc I can’t even remember its name)

26: Rank of JBHS history department according to how good of a parent they would be

9.Mr. Bixler - I have never had this man so I can’t say shit. NA/10

8. Ms. Snowden - I’ve never had her either but I’ve heard enough about her between Burroughs and Luther to know that this woman is kind of scary, intimidating and uptight, all things I personally do not desire in a parent. 2/10

7. Mr. Hatch - I love Scott Hatch but he is a tremendous mess of a man. Judging by his wife’s instagram photos his idea of parenting is taking naps while cuddling his children and letting his wife do the rest of the hard work. Plus he seems like the type to be too wrapped up in his own melodrama and too busy hangin out with his best friend Edward Frankenbush playing Xbox to pay much attention to his kids. However, he did skip the first day of school to take his daughter to kindergarten so he gets points for that. 4/10

6. Mr. Lee - Mr. Lee is a very respectable guy who seems like he does a very good job providing for his family. He’s ranked as middle of the road because he’s a naturally private person so I can’t speak to his parenting tactics or personality much, however the few stories he shared about his daughter were very cute and he does the typical teacher/parent things like making her his screensaver on his computer. Overall, a very quality dad and man, 6.5/10

5. Mr. Fitz - Kyle Fitzgerald is similarly a mess of a man, but the difference between him and Scott Hatch is that he seems to make an investment in his kid. He always talks about current events in terms of what idiocy his poor daughter will have to put up with which shows his devotion to her well-being and survival in a confusing world. Also he brought her in to go swimming once while I was working at Verdugo and I got to see them having a great time on the splash pad and it warmed my heart. Great dad 7/10

4. Mr. Piper - Richard Piper is such a good father but in a detached way. He loves talking about his son and wife just as much as he loves talking about planes. The real kicker? When he talks about taking his son ON planes and geeking out over history together. He also asked all of his classes for people looking for tutoring work when his son was struggling in math which is so cute. Good guy Rick gets an 8/10.

2. (tie) Mr. Frankenbush and Ms. Hacker - Ed and Jan are both beautiful people. I know Ms. Hacker is #divisive but I personally am a big fan and would die to have her guidance in my daily life. She’s always interested in what’s going on in people’s lives and sure she’s definitely chaotic but it’s a loving chaos that’s only looking to help other people. I’ve not had the pleasure of having Mr. Frankenbush but he always is hanging out with his son Joey and they love coming to the Burroughs pool and playing water polo together; they spend a lot of time together since his wife works so much and they have such a buddy friendship. Both of these lovely people are super devoted and invested in the youth and would make great parents. 9/10

1. Mr. Clark - A god. We don’t deserve this man and I can’t sing his praises enough. Were were all lucky enough to be Greg’s children I don’t think evil would exist in the world. 11/10

27: Worst book I read for school

Hands down Tale of Two Cities since it’s the only one I’ve never finished. Dickens just doesn’t do it for me I guess plus I get really tired of the one dimensional characters and how much he romanticizes Lucy

28: Favorite little-known tidbit of history

When Richard Nixon went to Soviet Russia as Eisenhower’s VP during the cold war his secret service agents detected higher than usual amounts of radiation coming from Nixon’s hotel room, so they started talking loudly about it bc they knew the Soviets had planted buds and were listening. Within like an hour the radiation had vanished and they never heard anything about it again so man Soviet’s ain’t sly

29: 5 Places in Burbank That Are Definitely Haunted

1. Coral Cafe for obvious reasons, look up the ghost on youtube

2. The View seems like it would have some kind of el chupacabra-esque creature prowling around, maybe a mountain lion hybrid

3. Fry’s Electronics

4. The abandoned train station under the bridge

5. The LA river by the equestrian center

30: Rank of all the AP classes i took in order of entertainment value

9) AP Bio: I liked bio but the class wasn’t very entertaining. There’s not a lot of humor in bacteria and cells, and Mr. Van Loo is much more of a calming than a humorous and chaotic presence, so overall it takes the hit as the least entertaining class.

8) AP Stats: Math is similarly not very entertaining, but Mrs. Hollingshed’s erratic personality gives it the edge over Bio. Definitely more humorous than expected of a math class.

7) AP Econ: I bombed econ and business/money isn’t very entertaining but Jan Hacker made it so thanks to her chaos (love her though).

6) AP Euro: European history is incredibly iconic because, spoiler alert, Europeans are idiots and historically speaking everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I just wish I remember it since I think idiot sophomore Lily slept through most of the class so needless to say I didn’t soak up much of the entertainment value. If it were up to me I’d take it over again and maybe stay awake this time.

5) AP Lit: Lit was just as much challenging and intimidating as it was entertaining, so it balances out. Mrs. Caluya is notably iconic and the books we read were all pretty interesting so it gets a high vote from me.

3) (tie) Gov/APUSH: History is always entertaining in my eyes since people do stupid things out of pettiness. These two tie for different reasons: Mr. Piper is a great teacher and that mock trial we did for the industrial age was great, but the subject was also extremely entertaining overall. I loved reading about how John Adams made making fun of him illegal. Gov was mostly just entertaining because of Mr. Hatch and how salty his is about the government. His sarcastic comments about how corrupt everything is gave life to an otherwise pretty lifeless subject.

2) AP Lang: aka the class with no curriculum, or the Kuglen Hour. I love Mr. Kuglen so much and he is responsible for 99% of the amusement in the class. I somehow learned how to be a better writer by listening to him complain about Trump and everything else under the sun for an hour every day so it was well worth it. Also who doesn’t like a class where you read Dave Sedaris for homework?

1) AP Psych: Without question, this is the epitome of entertainment. Psychology is just a mishmash of people trying to figure out why humans are as stupid as we are and why we do dumb things. Add in all the iconic psychologists and history and a class led by salty Mr. Hatch and you have a recipe for an entertaining year.

31: Top 5 Iconic JBHS teachers that I NEVER had (no particular order)

Mr. Peebles: A quirky man who I would have loved were I any good at math whatsoever

Mr. Arakelian: Band kids hate him but the stories I hear are so frickin iconic that I wish I could be an honorary band kid for a day and see the horror firsthand. If you have Arakelian stories please send them my way I’d love to hear about your pain

Mr. Frankenbush: A sad boi who everyone should get to experience and I regret never having.

Dr. Madooglu: He was so kind to me after the failed anti-trump lunchtime protest last year and he didn’t even know me. I wish I could’ve experienced him as a teacher.

Mr. Clark: The man, the myth, the legend

32: List of some iconic swim horror stories

Charlie breaking his hand after he lost a race and punched the gutter as hard as he could

Some idiot JV boys smearing poop all over the Burbank High locker room

The entire JV team getting Burroughs swim banned from Islands

Me almost passing out at the Los Amigos meet last year after I didn’t eat or sleep all day

Everyone always feigning illness or injury to get out of swimming the 4x100 relay

Getting in trouble for watching boys volleyball practice instead of doing the weight room sets

Every. Single. 5AM morning practice before school.

When coach martin finally figured out how periods work and suddenly we couldn’t use that as an excuse for not swimming anymore

33: What Office Character Would I Be

A mix between Angela, Oscar, and Kelly (we love our dramatic icons)

34: #1 Thing I’d Bring With Me to a Desert Island

Castaway for instructional purposes

35: What Would I call my memoir

Schadenfreude

36: 7 Best Buzzfeed Unsolved Episodes (no particular order)

This is one of my favorite shows so these are my recommendations:

1. 3 Horrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons - one of the very first and best episodes; a 45-minute special where the Boys investigate the Winchester house in San Francisco, the Island of the Dolls in Mexico, and the Sallie House in Kansas

2. The Strange Disappearance of D. B. Cooper - A man going by the name of Dan Cooper hijacked a plane, demanded money and passage to Mexico, and then at some point jumped out of the plane and was never seen again. To this day no one knows his identity or his fate despite some of the ransom money turning up in a river somewhere.

3. The Haunted Halls of Waverly Hills Hospital - Ryan and Shane explore an abandoned asylum in Pennsylvania and some creepy stuff ensues. One of the best supernatural episodes

4. The Thrilling Gardner Museum Heist - An almost hilarious story (with reenactments!) about a seriously inept security guard and the loss of some of the world’s most beloved paintings. This was one of the first episodes after they started making money and the production quality is off the charts

5. The Scandalous Murder of William Desmond Taylor - Another excellent reenactment story about one of Hollywood’s first and biggest scandals, the suspicious murder of a leading film producer.

6. The Enigmatic Death of the Isdal Woman - A woman’s body was found suspiciously burned in the European wilderness and no one knows who she is or how exactly she was killed. Watch if you like espionage!

7. The Strange Killing of Ken Rex McElroy - An entire town seemingly rose up to murder a douchey, violent pedophile. One of the only episodes that’s actually happy?

37: 6 Things I would Have Changed About High School

1. Definitely would have joined yearbook as soon as I could

2. Wouldn’t have forced myself to swim for all 4 years; if the passion’s gone then you shouldn’t force it. It’s just a sign that you need to move on to better things

3. I would’ve taken more AP’s and maybe tried another stem ap class. I’ve always been self-conscious about how bad I am at math, but I’ve gotten a little better over the years and instead of being too afraid to challenge myself I would’ve liked to see how I could do and prove myself.

4. Worrying less about grades!! I killed myself over my grades for like three years and then I just kind of let myself go. I would have let myself have who knows how many more hours of sleep and taken the L on a couple of assignments; I’m still learning that my health is more important than perfection.

5. Meeting the right people! I wouldn’t have restricted myself to a few friends and would have branched out more by joinng stuff like JSA. It sucks meeting the right people your senior year and realizing that I was hanging out with the wrong people this whole time.

6. Spanish instead of French.

38: What Would I Name My Farm Animals if I had A Farm

I’d definitely name them all after female Shakespearian characters. My cows would be Hippolyta and Titania from Midsummer, my horse would be Desdemona from Othello, my chickens would be Gonereil, Regan, and Cordelia from King Lear and my goat would be named Gertrude from Hamlet

39: Most Useless Talent I Have

I have a really strong internal clock so when I don’t think about it too hard and guess intuitively I can usually predict how much time has passed/what time it is without looking at a clock. It’s really only useful for estimating how much time I wasted standing in the shower staring at the wall

40: Top Regret After Writing This:

Writing this instead of studying for my econ test in seven hours.

Thanks for reading!

#writer's project #thanks jen for assigning this i had fun

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ctrl-shift-esc · 7 years

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Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost.

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!) I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense.

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear.

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money.

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic.

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks.

Until Next Time

Ctrl+Shift+ go Awesome everywhere xox

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nebulous-walkabout · 7 years

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sands of identity falling thru an hourglass

driving past danny bonaduce’s house everyday looking at the uncut grass and dereliction that was his property and feeling the dread that the life of the washed up dj on '104.3 the golden oldies' in chicago is one of the first emotions i remember feeling tied to music. the stale decaying music that got played over and over for people that wouldnt try anything new, to me seemed destructive and soul crushing. thats generally where we first experience music though, in the back seat of our parents car. and my mom loved the oldies. of course it wasnt until a decade later when he would come out as a crackhead on celebrity rehab that it really made sense why the red headed kid from the partridge family wouldnt mow his lawn. for some reason that i cannot find though, this feeling i got when i would drive past his house with my mom while listening to his radio show, is still the feeling i get when i hear most old music. my musical taste is shaped by what i would absorb in my first few years on earth. they were a strange time for me, like most awkward kids. and we moved a few times, like most awkward kids. but we also moved stratospherically thru the socioeconomic structure when i was too young to understand it. when i was 6 or 7 in the first house i remember, we got a bose cd player and i discovered my parents cds. one of the first ones i remember playing over and over was smashing pumpkins' mellon collie and infinite sadness. i remember springsteen albums everywhere. live. even 4 non-blondes. rolling stones. that stuff laid the foundation for how i would unconsciously receive music and form my own taste. of course after you discover your parents music, you hunt out your own. and in the early 90's that was all about MTV. sure when youre 8 you dont understand it. but you know what other people think is cool. and i think that was the point. i dont know how the older kids consumed their mtv, but i can tell you 90's kids and later were all told exactly what they should like and listen to by VJ's we wish we were still dressing like. thats what informed us. taught us what kind of music we should explore, so later when we were old enough to peruse the aisles of tower records alone we could actually find what we like. the thing that made mtv better than the radio early on was it was selling an entire culture, not just pop hits. all sorts of atrocities from the faux fashion world of 1994 were pushed into the minds of millions of kids who let it define their childhoods. from mtv you found the sound, then you went out and tried to find it again in something else. after school most days i would hang out at my neighbor's house, he was older and actually my brothers friend, but i remember coming into possession of a Green Jelly CD at his house one day and my world changed. it was something i thought was uniquely for me, but how could it be? thats what music was about back then, buying into the idea that youre cool for liking this thing that everyone else likes too. quickly after that you start in on green day, and you love dookie, but you love it more because you think the secret song is just for you. and its a treat. and you use the music to make you louder. and you scream. but everyone is screaming. and no one else can hear you. i remember where i was when the news came on and told the world kurt cobain died. i was in the living room being forced to eat macaroni and cheese by my older cousin. i can still remember the carpet, but not the furniture. and its not so much that as a nine year old that i cared so much that kurt cobain died, because as a kid you dont really know who he is, you just know hes nirvana and hes cool. and your parents want to keep you away from the tv bc they dont want you thinking about hot guys killing themselves. fine. but that only made you like nirvana even more. then thats the sound. all i ever knew was that i really liked loud music, and thats all i ever liked. you start hating that youve been listening to B96 with all the girls that would grow up to be wannabe valley girls. you run around thinking you like music before you really know what it is. your identity at this age starts to be formed by it, although at this age its formed around the cool shit you do on your bikes when youre with youre friends. it relies upon how long you hold the controller before you die and have to let your friends play whatever video game you just got.

and then you move. youre alone. youve gone from this world you knew, and had a place in, to a very different place. for me it was even stranger, moving from a normal neighborhood with friends next door, to a place where you couldnt see your neighbors house, and your friends were always a car ride away. the houses were huge. the land was massive. and youre alone in the center of both. you become dependent on finding ways to occupy yourself. you start making your own mixtapes off the radio. you continue to make them better, tape over the songs youre tired of. you steal your older brother cd's. and then my parents had one of these giant motorized satelite dishes installed. it got everything. my new source of new kinds of music was movies on tv. movies like bio-dome changed my musical course. you hear a different kind of punk. and sure now you look back and its shitty, but back then it represented a change. and you felt good, and you want to be pauly shore with stephen baldwins terrible dreadlocks. and you want to dye your skin blue and skydive strapped into a drum kit. so you start taking drum lessons. and then you realize youre the weird kid. i didnt care. i liked what i liked, i didnt fit in with the way the rest of the rich kids liked to be. sure i had friends, but i had more than enough time to sit at home alone and absorb the world i thought i wanted to be a part of. for the last couple years before the internet descended from the heavens my musical taste was almost entirely forged by movie soundtracks. empire records, dazed and confused, and trainspotting. ever since then the joy i feel watching a movie depends almost exclusively on what im hearing behind the the people talking. my choice of movie relies on music, and to some extent the reverse is true as well, although i can enjoy music without a movie, but i cant enjoy a movie without music. this is something that has remained true throughout the rest of my life up until today. in fact, thinking back, it is probably the reason i love so many terrible movies, because if it has a good soundtrack i dont really care how bad the story is. i would find myself more and more trying to find music from movies when walking the aisles at tower. i always wished i had a tower closer to my house, so my trips were not as frequent as i would have liked. instead often times i was marooned at home watching the golden age of music video technology. a period in time where who was making what video was news. the last couple years of mtv's usefulness was a weird time, in that trl and the rest of its programming was pointing us all towards a very specific set of music and videos again. it was like we jumped back in time 10 years and all we were given access to was the top 10, just like the radio had been doing for years. but then something changed. and it was everything. all the sudden your reach was limitless with a computer. all of the sudden it didnt matter that i was sitting alone at home. i had a computer, and for the first couple years the music came to me at 56.6kbps over the phone. i would sit up in the office under my moms painting studio on the other side of the house and just watch those status bars slowly fill in while i waited for my music. there was no limit. you would hear bands on mtv, early in the morning or late at night, or youd watchsnl or conan or kilborn. you never knew any of the bands but they informed your musical zeitgeist. and after you heard something you would know if it was 'it' or not, and if it was, you put it in queue to download. next thing you know youre listening to narcotic by liquido. your infinite musical catalog in the year 2000 was only limited by one thing: your drive to find new music. and so thats the way its been for almost 20 years. with endless new music at my fingertips, im still always floored by certain songs that i love but almost never hear anymore. part of the joy comes from knowing people would laugh at me if they came across me listening to certain things i like. in most cases these songs are terrible and im in the minority for loving them but theyre a part of me. and if you can listen to 'give it up' by cut'n'move without getting into it, youre a robot. by the time i was a teenager i was just another white kid living in a whitewashed world all day, anytime i left my room i was surrounded by people walking around with starched collars. but at home and in my car i could listen to my music as loud as i wanted, i made an obnoxious effort to let people know i was them. i would drive around in a range rover, with the harmon/kardon sub in the back turned up all the way, didnt matter where i was, school, the park, practice, the country club, they all heard what i was listening to, it didnt matter if it was pearl jams' crazy mary or the st lunatics. our world changed when our ability to freely pick out our own music tailored by our own tastes and informed by exposure to stuff like thestraightdope.com or whoever's music was playing in the background of kurt loders news updates. since then ive used peoples taste in music against them. it wasnt that i really cared what they listened to as much as what they wouldnt listen to. its a good barometer in my eyes. people that cant discern good music for themselves generally cant do much at all on their own. its my firm belief that if youre open about not liking something then you should at least have a reason. were living in a time where every thing you see or do is interrupted by someone trying to sell you on their idea. the freedoms to be yourself appear to again be fleeting. the last bastion of personal freedom is quickly becoming monetized in a way it hasnt been before. the same way mtv turned into the channel that plays teenage mom all day, people are finding ways to sell people the same generic package again. you have to fight hard to find your personal space in this world and be yourself. while my musical taste is a representation of me and me alone, its sort of like a batch of cookies. my cookie might have more chocolate chips but all the dough came from the same bowl.

#music #writing #need notes #proofreading #no one even reads these

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