#bc maybe i crave some hate fucking rn ok!!!!
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preview: boys like u
pairing. Jeno x female reader
･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･
“I’m here for you Jaemin.”
A smile finally appears, ducking his face as he chuckles softly and reaches for your hand hanging by your hip. “You’ve been too good to me ever since the breakup.. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything, I’m your friend.”
He pauses for a minute, thumb rubbing the back of your hand as he zones out and nods. “You are my friend. She never really liked that, said I’d call this a boys trip just to come here and flirt with Chenle’s cousin..”
A swell of hope crashes through your chest when his eyes lift to yours and he smiles large enough for the top row of his teeth to fully show. “Friends aren’t supposed to flirt, right?”
“I wouldn’t even know how to flirt.” You pout, exaggerating your blinks. “How would I flirt? Can you show me?”
A clear tinge of red rises up his neck, dropping his head back to let out a howling laugh, inadvertently squeezing your hand tightly. “The idea of you, of all people, not knowing how to flirt is too funny.”
“I don’t know what’s funny about that.” You smirk, leaning in to sway closer for your face to only stand a couple of inches apart. “Can’t you teach me how to flirt? I bet you’re good at it.”
Jaemin staggers for a moment, smile falling slowly as he takes in your curious gaze. “You really want me to show you?”
“Mhmm.” You nod, biting down a grin.
Clearing his throat, he straightens, releasing your hand to rest his arm above your head against the door frame to your room. “Say we just wrapped up a first date..” He hums, painting a scenario out for you without breaking eye-contact. “I walk you home, thank you for gracing me with your presence.” He huffs, lip lifting at one side. “And then I stop to look you up and down, just like this.”
Slowly, long dark eyelashes take their time to fan down over his cheeks, tucking his lower lip in beneath his teeth as he passes over your breasts. “And I lean in close enough to feel your breath quickening, to watch your chest rise faster. Making it obvious that I can’t stop staring at you, can’t get enough of your beauty.”
His voice deepens, re-enacting everything he says until your backs pressed flat against the door, breathing shallowly, gone silent in awe.
“I don’t have to say much..” he pouts slightly, hand lifting to move a loose strand of hair behind away from your face, intentionally grazing the shell of your ear. Pleased by the obvious shiver that passes down your body. “I just..”
Taking one more step forward he meets you at eye level, dragging his fingers down your jawline to your chin to pinch, focusing on your lips naturally parting open for him, so inviting.
“Lick my lips,” and he does, dragging his tongue from one side to the other, gaze more sultry and hooded now. “And whisper right here like this..” only a hair’s breadth away, he whispers less than an inch away from your mouth. “When do I get to see you again?”
Fuck.
Ready to scream, you have to bite down on your tongue when he abruptly pulls away and shrugs, standing up straight. “Works every time.”
“Uhm,” sucking down a dry gulp, you nod, patting for the doorknob behind you. “I’ll definitely have to try that out sometime.”
Jaemin backs away, stepping backwards with a wink. “You’ll have to let me know if it works. Now get some rest, we have a long day by the pool tomorrow.”
You’d swear he hasn’t stopped flirting given the way he spins around and watches you from over his shoulder still stuck in place against your door as if you’ve been hot glued there. May as well be, clenching your thighs in a deathgrip out of fear that the sticky heat pooling your underwear could trickle free.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” You whine once he’s disappeared to the other side of the house. Letting out a long exhausted sigh, you quickly make to enter your room, reaching for the light switch as the door shuts behind you covering everything in darkness.
“You can’t be fucking serious.”
A roar of anger charges at you, rasping deep before colliding with your chest, crashing your back against the opposite side of the door you were just fighting to free yourself from.
“Ah, fuck!” You hiss, reaching to rub the back of your head surely to have a walnut sized bump by morning. “Jeno?? Is that you?!?”
“Who the fuck else would it be Sherlock.” He rasps directly in your face, lodging one of his forearms under your chin until you cough from lack of air.
“Wh-what the hell are you doing?!” You manage to squeak out, slapping his elbow. “Get off me!”
“What the hell am I doing?!” He roars, nose digging into your forehead. “What the hell are you doing!!”
“Huh??”
“My best friend?!” Jeno’s screaming, crackling the louder he gets, jerking his arm against your neck to congest your air flow. “Please be fucking serious.”
“Wh-what?!” You cough, clutching onto his thick forearm with both hands, sucking large intakes of oxygen in. “Get off me!”
“God you won’t be satisfied until you fuck literally everyone.” Dropping his arm, he gives you no time to recover, manhandling you around to slam you chest first against the door. He scoots up behind you, slotting his covered lower half against yours. The familiar addictive warmth you’ve hungered for since last spring break throbs against your bottom, having to grind your teeth to control an onslaught of whimpers from giving away your arousal.
“You’re such a whore, fucking open up your legs for anyone.” Strong hands grip the backs of your thighs, slowly climbing up higher to cup the roundness of your ass. “I don’t give a fuck who you fuck.”
Pressing in, he flattens to your back, shoving his arm around your neck from behind, cupping your chin to turn your face to the side. “But you will not,” Jeno breathes heavily against your cheek, licking down to the corner of your mouth. “Fuck him.”
You know by now it’s better to stay silent judging by how riled up he is already, rutting against your ass like some starved beast desperate to feed.
But you both know the real reason you sneak around, fight in front of everyone else, taunt and torment each other.
The real reason you glare at him from the corner of your eye and slide your tongue out to lap at his finger.
“Oh yeah? And who’s going to stop me?”
#WIP#if u love me u will vote this one LMAOOO🤭#bc maybe i crave some hate fucking rn ok!!!!#will post poll tomorrow to give these time to absorb#😤😤😤
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jay: wtf is wrong with mal
evie: uma beat her in fencing lol
mal: she didn’t beat me!!!!!!! i challenged her to best of five
carlos: and she won all 5?
mal: no i won 2
jay: ok so then she beat you
mal: i won 2!!!!
carlos: but uma won 3????? so you lost
mal: yeah but i still won 2
jay: shoulda done best of 6
jay: at least you could’ve drawn then you sore loser
mal: ok but i still won 2?
carlos: i’m changing the conversation before i bludgeon mal’s head in
carlos: e did you duel anyone
evie: i beat some auradon loser
evie: me & lonnie were gonna go next session
jay: ooooo lmk how it goes
jay: lonnie’s good!!
evie: i know jay i was there on the isle fight
jay: i should fight harry again
mal: you’re always fighting harry
jay: duel him then
carlos: you’re always duelling harry
jay: no with a sword
evie: what kind of sword
jay: ohhh SHUT UP
jay: i’m going to challenge harry to a duel with a fencing sword. there are you happy now
carlos: no
carlos: be more gay
jay: bitch maybe i will
evie: gods i hate you both
jay: you don’t want me kissing boys?
mal: jay you’re expecting boys will want to kiss YOU
jay: why mal are you jealous are you wanting me to kiss you
mal: i want me to kill you, sure
jay: how nice of you
mal: yeah i’m such a nice person now :) can u believe it
carlos: what is happening
evie: something i don’t want to bear witness to
evie: .
evie: hey mal lost three duels to uma today
carlos: yo no way?????
mal: hang on
jay: HAHAHHAHAHA
mal: i WON 2!!!!!!!
jay: wow i should duel harry again
carlos: oh really jay. with what
evie: NVM WE ARE NOT GOING HERE AGAIN
carlos: ok but fr can we duel the pirates again soon :(
jay: what kind of duel los
evie: LORD
mal: me & uma have business to settle
evie: you mean losing a best of 5 3-2?
mal: i didnt LOSE i won 2!!!!!!!!
carlos: mal just bc we’re good ppl now doesn’t mean i cant kill you. bc i will
mal: bet
mal: best of 5?
jay: LMAO
evie: i’m actually very curious to know who would win that
mal: me obviously
carlos: i literally came second place in swords and shields. but go off ig
mal: you would’ve come third if i had competed
jay: bc you would come 2nd?
mal: no?? i would obviously beat you???
evie: HAHHAHAHAHAHA
evie: mal. you know i would support you in anything. but you are not being jay in a s&s tournament
mal: i totally could
jay: ………..
jay: hmmm mal who did you lose to earlier today
jay: three times
carlos: RIGHT
carlos: not to CHANGE THE SUBJECT or anything but i’m actually craving slop shop coffee rn
evie: that’s the devil talking
jay: isn’t that a good thing?
mal: no it’s a bad thing
carlos: it’s a good thing for people like us
jay: evie can you confirm what your stance on slop shop coffee is
evie: it’s wicked
jay: wicked in a good way or wicked in a bad way
jay: do you guys understand me.
carlos: wicked as in reprehensible or wicked as in exceptional
jay: i feel like i’m going insane
mal: what are you all FUCKING talking about
carlos: the complexities and intricacies of changing sociolects
mal: don’t fucking swear at me
jay: when did this conversation turn into psychological warfare
carlos: isn’t that most convos on the isle
jay: is it evie you’re gonna bludgeon next c?
carlos: yes. and then it’ll be you. and then myself
jay: WHAT DID I DO
mal: lmaoo
carlos: evie is being unnervingly quiet
jay: YOU DIDNT ANSWER MY QUESTION
mal: she’s probably preparing to fight carlos when he goes to bludgeon her head in
jay: i don’t even know whose side i’m on here
mal: you’re not on mine
jay: ??????
jay: whose side ARE you on??????
mal: did i lose to uma today
jay: YES
mal: not yours
jay: i genuinely feel like my head is collapsing in
carlos: good
carlos: make it go quicker
jay: ok fine i’m on evie’s side
evie: good choice jay. i have no bad side ;)
mal: all your sides are bad
carlos: how many sides does a person have
mal: what
carlos: you know. like vertices. how many do we have
jay: are we technically spherical??
evie: jay i don’t want you on my side anymore
jay: which number side eves
evie: carlos. proposition
carlos: being?
evie: we team up against jay
jay: HUH????????
mal: LMAOOOOOO
evie: and mal
mal: HEY
jay: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
carlos: deal
jay: so like. what now. are we going to spar in the gym or something
evie: no i’m going to kill you in real life
jay: hello??????
carlos: no resurrection in auradon!
mal: bloody hell
jay: see i fault whatever the fuck this is to carlos bringing up he wants slop shop coffee
jay: no normal person says that
mal: how many times did you steal my slop shop coffee jay
jay: gee mal i’m so incredibly grateful that you allowed me to drink your mud in a cup whilst my father was actively trying to starve me
carlos: WHAKJSJDLSKSHDKSKD
mal: OH ITS LIKE THAT NOW??????
evie: LORD
jay: anyway
jay: i say we gang up on carlos
evie: i agree
carlos: betrayal????)? MUTINY????????? TREASON AND CONSPIRACY???????????
mal: gods above evie that was brutal
mal: listen. jay lies for fun,
jay: SKAJDKSLAJDNDLSKSJDKLSKD
mal: don’t pity the man.
evie: oh i don’t pity him in the slightest i just think it’s funny to gang up on carlos
jay: youre after my own heart eves
carlos: no what the fuck is happening actually
mal: no e you’re right it’s my favourite past time too
carlos: Hi. Are We Twelve Again
jay: i mean you haven’t grown since we were
mal: you still fight like it
evie: you still look it
carlos: Im Going To Kill You All
mal: didnt you already try that
evie: multiple times
jay: it didn’t work
carlos: do i need to remind you all. there is no immortality in auradon
jay: awwwww carlos is trying to be scary
jay: WJEHAKJHJJEHER NVM JES GROWLING AT ME RN GAJEHRBKEJRHR
mal: you guys are in the same room?????
jay: yeah? are you not?
mal: obviously we are
jay: you’re saying this could’ve been an irl convo?
jay: we couldve saved so much time
evie: what’s wrong with our texts, jay :)
jay: nothing at all, evie :)
carlos: u guys meet us here?
mal: wbat no you’re coming to us
carlos: ????? why?????
mal: bc im comfy???? and don’t want to walk??
carlos: ok but IM comfy
jay: carlos is currently dangling his head off the side of the bed.
carlos: as i said,
evie: what about neutral ground
evie: library?
mal: are you insane why would we hang out at the LIBRARY
jay: NERD
evie: i am not starting a fight again
jay: that’s a very unusual thing for you to say
evie: i am losing brain cells
carlos: that is worrying
mal: yeah you don’t have too many of them
evie: more than you!
carlos: yeah mal how many fights with uma did you lose today
mal: i *WON*
mal: TWO
jay: i will throw my fucking phone off the balcony, and then all of you
carlos: not yourself?
jay: do you want to be the first to die
evie: so are we just. not meeting
mal: im not moving
carlos: me neither
jay: kids these days
jay: always on their damn phones
evie: not like us
evie: getting beaten up
jay: stabbing people
mal: avoiding our insane parents
carlos: trying to escape from the hell prison island
mal: lol
evie: we are so well adjusted <3
jay: absolutely nothing wrong with us
mal: im serious abt not moving btw
carlos: ya me too
mal: fine
carlos: fine
evie: fine
jay: fine
mal: fine
carlos: fine
jay: NO
jay: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN
mal: you hate fun
jay: i hate YOU
evie: we have to stop having the same conversation like 5 times over.
evie: let’s talk about something else
#wrote this one months ago but i am in a descendantsy mood rn#you think i would know how to spell descendants by now. i never know if it's ANTS or ENTS#but woe. rotten four shenanigans be upon ye#i did actually come up with silly usernames last year but i couldnt be bothered to keep writing them all out#evie was 4hearts4furious which is probably the funniest thibg ever#and jay was auradons 8th best tourney player#bc of the 8 on his tourney bib :)#anyway#descendants#core four
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genshin snz headcanons
i caved here are literally All my genshin snz headcanons cause im thinkin so hard rn
albedo
def sneezes in fits but tries to stifle whenever possible
uses his elbow most of the time, but sometimes when hes especially deep in a fit he ends up just sneezing desperately in the air
quiet and breathy
tries to make his sneezes as discrete as possible but the further in fits he gets, the more desperate his sneezes sound
every time he has a buildup to a sneeze, he kinda just shudders leadin up to it yknow
he always tries to be cautious and not get anyone sick when he is sick bless him
ok this fucker inhabits an ice mountain theres no way he doesnt get at least a *couple* colds
mona
sneezes in likes twos, threes
this is so unoriginal bcs hydro vision but like her sneezes are def at least a bit wet-sounding
uses tissues when avaliable, but if not she just kinda turns to the side
loud and high-pitched
she sneezes relatively suddenly and it takes her by surprise sometimes
tbh mona feels like somebody who’d have allergies and being all sniffly and miserable looking and still try to deny that shes allergic to anything and that youre stupid for thinking so. very tsundere.
speaking of sniffly her nose probably just constantly runs like a tap when shes sick
she wouldnt even try to keep her germs to herself and would be disgusted at sick ppl even if she was the one to get you sick
hu tao
literally almost never sneezes* but when she does its singles
uses her elbow and covers her mouth, ty hu tao for being a good snz role model
kinda low and naturally soft
long ass fucking buildups! her nose just kinda itches for a whole two minutes and her breath wavers before she sneezes quickly
so for the asterisk * i kinda lied, she sneezes up a storm only when sick, she has kinda a subpar immune systme so whenever shes sick she just is stuck with sneezng consistently through the whole day til shes dizzy
jean
also sneezes in singles, occasional doubles
alternates between using hankerchiefs if avaliable or just her elbow
i feel like jean is the type of person to like excuse herself right before succumbing to a fit
small sneezes, decently graceful
i feel like shed had a dust allergy honestly
jean literally will not take sick days even when she has awful colds, and while she tries not to get ppl sick she does a kinda awful job at it
amber
two to four usually
elbow once again, but sometimes when shes gliding she cant really use her arms so she just sneezes in the air
squeaky def, high pitched
she def has hayfever and one day opens her glider and its just covered in pollen
no build ups to her sneeze, just a sharp inhale and then the snz
eula
we already saw her snz so
either single sneezes or long ass fits, no inbetween
sneezes into her gloves, but when her sneezes start to get messy she switches to a hankerchief
breathy and feminine
cyro characters get colds cause i say so
no fr tho eula just miserable w a cold and just constantly having to duck foward and sneeze into her gloves
half of her cold is her denying shes sick even when she looks absolutely horrible and the other half is complaining about how miserable she feels and demanding people to do things for her
childe
doubles usually
he sneezes into the air or in his hands this fucker would never sneeze in his elbow
messy and desperate
long! ass! fucking! buildups! he tries to hide the hitching with his builds ups but hes not at all good at it
his sneezes get so much messier the sicker he is, until hes practically just dripping
dont be decieved by the way he hides being sick, he desperately craves being coddled whenever hes sick because of his home life
suprisingly good at caretaking
diluc
triples and quadruples i feel like
elbow primarily, but sometimes uses tissues
loud and rough
he tries so hard to hide his allergies but it never works because his sneezes are always so loud
fuck it give him all the allergies
his voice gets stuffy so quickly when even in like a five foot vicinity of flowers, and his nose itches so much to the point where it feels like hes just constantly building up to another sneeze
has probably sneezed on someones drink at least once while he had a cold
kaeya
almost only fits and he fucking hates it
he usually pinches his nose to stifle but if he cant manage he either quickly goes for the elbow or just ducks his head down and sneezes towards the floor
shaky and itchy-sounding if that makes sense
yknow that little gasp people do sometimes before sneezing i feel like hed do that
never takes sick days unless forced to by jean or diluc, and ends up shambling through his daily tasks shaky and feverish and sneezy
he tries to stifle but it really does not work
rosaria
singles, and if u catch her sneezing she’ll probably make you swear to silence
literally just in the elbow
honestly i feel like shed sneeze like a kitten, or just really high and femme
she sees being sick/allergic as a sign of weakness so fights sneezing very hard. like u can see the visible effort she makes pinching her nose and shit after her breath hitches even once
also one of those dumbasses that stifle way too much and doesnt take sickdays
ningguang
doubles unless shes allergic, then its fits
she has a fancy ass lace hankerchief she carries w her speficially for snzs to look ‘proper’
she forces her sneezes to be elegant, sneezing naturally is loud tho
small buildups but v audible breaths building up to a sneeze
she has a good immune system but when she does get sick she gets it bad and tries to cover up her flushed face and red nose with makeup
without people around her she just lets herself be miserable while sneezes, lettting out small little “..guh...” after a particularly bad fit
beidou
doubles or triples
beidou would also like never use her elbow, shed sneeze in her fist even if the sneeze is messy as hell
loud and proud of it
look all im saying is beidou is a walking health hazard whenever sick, she doesnt try at all to keep colds to herself and can and wil sneeze into her hand only to shake yours seconds later
no buildups, just sudden sneezes that scare the shit out of people tho
very very fucking messy
half the time does not care if shes sick, she doesnt really feel like she needs to take sick days because she doesnt feel that bad and stuff like that
lisa
singles and occasional doubles
she keeps tissues on her and uses them relatively often
delicate and proper
the idea of lisa having a dust allergy is just everything to me, like she blows off dust from a book and ends up stuck for a few minutes with her nostrils flaring until she finally sneezes desperately into a tissue
rarely gets sick, but when she does milks the hell out of it to be as lazy as possible. like “oh im feeling so awful rn, maybe a kiss will make me feel better?~”
venti
fits fits fits
hands or elbows, really depends on how hard the sneeze hits him
decently loud and a bit high pitched
look venti is an anemo god all im saying is when he sneezes the wind picks up, and when he has fits its enough to push you over
to remedy this he just avoids everyone when sick and avoids cats with a a passion
buildups are very breathy and desperate
his nose runs so much near cats and he makes a godddamn mess of himself the longer hes around them
cats absolutely love him regardless
xiao
he gets fits only bcs i say so
literally either just the air or his hands because nobody ever taught him that he should like cover his mouth properly when sneezing
quiet but messy
the idea of xiao w just torturuous buildups does something for me. he’ll be stuck there w his breath hitching and hazy eyes for like a whole minute before he finally just ducks into his hand and makes a mess of himself
he does not understand being sick and absolutely hates it when he does get sick, 100% tries to power through it and ends up a fucking mess by the end of the day
his sneezes get stuck so often
his nose gets so fucking flushed and twitchy after a while of sneezing
ganyu
doubles or triples
sneezes in her elbow most of the time
soft and low
when she gets sick she gets so sleepy, her sneezes just kinda draw all the energy outta her and she usually ends up taking a nap
shes allergic to dogs too bcs why not
she doesnt want to bother people when sick or get them sick too so she usually takes copious sickdays until shes absolutely certain that she cant get anyone sick
zhongli
triples literally always for some reason
either into his fist or into a hankerchief
low and masculine, a bit loud
doing the same god shtick with him, the floor tends to shake whenever he gets particularly sneezy and stuff on cupboards can and will fall over when in the vicinity
no buildups really, hell just be in the middle of talking and then he blinks a bit and then sneezes roughly
he doesnt really take sick days but he doesnt really deny hes sick either, just kinda tries to get through the day despite feeling awful
#g/enshin i/mpact#sneeze kink#snz#sneeze headcanons#damn this took a while#i played favorites w x/iao and m/ona honestly#its my personal goal now to write every g/enshin character snzing at least once in a fic
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Tagged by @lovebillyhargrove @thesummerof84 @pretty-bratty and maybe someone else? idk? it's been long? xD
1. Your zodiac sign? aquarius. and i kinda love it kinda feel this is the origin of all my problems yk? xD
2. Favourite season/time of year? ohhh. summer if I have to choose? but is more like whatever happens in here between the end of april and the beginning of November xD. ithis is a rainy land, so the moment sun starts showing up more regularly is a blessing.
3. Your fav time of day/night? definitely the golden hour.
4. Your most MOST fav Billy scene? ahhh, choosing. not my strongest point. but my fav is probably his scene with neil. the whole scene, where in one sitting we get to see the rollercoaster of a human being that is billy hargrove. from the wink to the ass shake to the dick-perfumation to the way he calls neil dad and can't help but complain to the sudden change in his stance and the silence and that hard way he keeps staring at his father even if he's already crumbling inside and holy shit, the moment tears fall and he covers his face when neil closes the door. fuck fuck fuck.
but i also have a few favorite billy hargorve milliseconds like,
and my favorite favorite one,
5. Food you're craving atm: i'm currently obsessed with muesli xD. but the right answer is definitely ice-cream. always ice cream.
6. Your favourite kind of alcohol: i don't really like-like any? but i'm learning to enjoy the taste of white wine and i kinda enjoy hating beer as i drink it? it's a complex thing ok?. it's been ages since I've gone out but usually, i just drink whatever my friend is drinking bc i'm simple like that. coffee, please.
7. Neon lights/hustle and bustle OR the quiet of a small town/countryside? i LOVE city lights but they're too much for me on a regular basis. i'm def a small town/countryside kind of human. I've recently moved to the country and, in that sense, i'm the happiest I've been in a long long time.
8. Sugar!daddy Steve OR sugar!daddy Billy? Lmao)) : ohhhh sugar daddy steve yes, please. send recs my way.
9. The place you wanna be rn? as in the place to love— exactly where i am <3 but like, emotionally?, somewhere easier.
10. Heat or cold? more heart than cold? xD
11. Country you would like to visit (fingers crossed, they open the borders some time in the future) : wanna come back to Portugal because i'm. in. love. And there are so many others i'd love to go to but probably the states are on the top of the list, so i could see the places I've seen a million times already on my favorite movies. But above it all, i want to see a salt desert. Preferably Badwater, but i'd settle for any, really. i also LOVE gardens, and old houses' gardens the most. I'm dying to visit Bomarzo.
12. Yes, regrets 😔.. OR No regrets!!!!!!!!!😝 (About life, i guess??))), A lot. Really. But i wouldn't ever risk going back and not getting many of the things I've got rn.
13. ONLY IF YOU WANNA!!! A selfie??? I love your hearts already, let me love your beautiful faces)) hdhdushusadhhd i'm too shy to put my face out there on the internet xD, but i'll send it to you in the dms, love <3<3<3
*
and I'm l a t e for this and many of you have been already tagged, so i'm not gonna tag anyone this time but if you read this and wanna join? consider yourself tagged! <3
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﹤𝙽𝙰𝙽𝙰 𝙺𝙾𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚂𝚄, 𝚂𝙷𝙴 / 𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴﹥; * - hello EMIKO " EMI " SATO. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're TWENTY ONE, how you're a CLASSICS major, and in fact.. how you LIE AND TELL EVERYONE YOU STUDIED ABROAD FOR A YEAR WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN REHAB. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?
*itzy vc* hey hey hey ! SDBJWBDJW what’s up......its xan aha ... this is gonna be the biggest mess ever ...just winging it as i go. and u know what ? thats on on brand babey ! lets get it ...TW: drug use/mention, accidents/hospitalization ( just in case)
backstory
virginia born and raised babey ! she’s the youngest of five siblings and ...it shows. SJDBJWBDJW growing up would have been pretty chaotic had it not been for the fact that her dad was a pretty well-respected police officer in their town ! him & her mom were high school sweethearts which made no damn sense to emiko considering they’re still happily married...the concept just seems fake to her </3
while her parents had a lot of mushy love for each other, when it came to their kids they opted to take a more emotionally distanced kind of parenting style bc they didnt wanna like spoil their kids or anything but.....it wasnt exactly the best plan ! emi and all her siblings just learned to be very good liars JDSBWBDJW as kids with strict parents do
being the youngest emi took a while to get into her rebellious phase. for a while she’d just watch her older siblings sneak out and party and do walks of shame and all that jazz...and while she was always down to help them get out of trouble none of them ever really trusted her ? since she was the baby they figured she’d be the most likely to snitch which just made her really ///: bc she wanted to be included so bad
flash forward to senior year of high school and finally emi’s like . okay fuck this it’s MY turn ! her dad had recently decided to get into politics with some encouragement from the police chief so he was busy with his career and her mom was busy helping him. it was the perfect time to do what she wanted since it was less likely she’d get caught
so she goes to this graduation party.....and it’s BAD like she gets fucked up & carried away so she calls her oldest sister ( who had come back into town for emi’s graduation ) to come pick her up & on the way to get emi from this house party, her sister ends up getting into an accident
she didn’t die though JSBJDSBBWJDBWJDBJWDW just broke some stuff and ended up needing surgery ): and emi obviously got busted that night by her parents which ... wasnt pretty at all especially bc they low key blamed her for her sister’s accident which just made emi feel like pure shit babey !
visiting her sister in the hospital is what kinda sparked her fear of hospitals ! bc emi was like super guilty and paranoid that maybe her sister was gonna die or her surgery would go wrong and she’d essentially be at fault...it was just a lot of anxiety that turned into a genuine phobia of hospitals after that
but her sister made it she was okay and her dad used all the buzz and tragedy around his family to kinda boost his political career....which was ugly. her sister had been prescribed some pretty heavy pain killers for the pain & thats where things got.....messy
emi isnt sure when exactly it started but between the guilt she was harboring over her sister’s accident, the stress from her parents as her dad got further and further into virginia politics as well as college anxiety since she was about to start at the universoty of virginia.....she stole some oxy and thats what started what would be a very messy and tumultuous addiction
as soon as she started college, emi felt as if some of the weight had been lifted. she was living away from her family for the first time and dorming so she promised herself she’d take these four years to grow and figure out who she is......except that didnt exactly happen. instead of exploring herself in a healthy way, emi was using drugs as a sort of escapism from her “old” self. she’s extremely smart and she loves her major, but her professors would often comment her papers had the energy of a “rambling and troubled mind”. by the time she was about to finish her sophomore year she was getting so high people would find her literally passed out in the dining hall. but no one was that worried bc for a good two years, she was a pretty high functioning addict.
cue the summer after sophomore year when emi overdoses at a party. she woke up in a private hospital room with only her father sitting on the couch, the look on his face something she’ll never forget. while him and her mother knew exactly what happened to emi, they hadn’t told any of her siblings. or anyone at all, for that matter. instead her dad had informed the university emi would be taking a year off to privately study abroad and told emi that’s what she was going to tell people bc he’d just decided to run for mayor ! he essentially guilt-tripped her into thinking telling people the truth would be a selfish act, and one that would basically ruin the family reputation and make everyone really miserable JSDWDBWBDJW he also tells her she’s gonna be shipped off to rehab !
so she goes to rehab for a good seven months. everyone at school thinks she’s studying abroad in italy, and emi is literally just counting the days til she can go back home to her dorm bc she’s lonely !!! in rehab !!! and she gets that she should take it seriously but shes just so mad at her dad and herself and the world too ig ... just some good old fashioned angst ! but she finishes rehab and her dad got elected as mayor of her hometown in virginia and shes like good for u can i go back to school please JSBDWJDBJW and he says yes
so she’s back ! ready for the universe to give her a break.....ahaha.....
personality + tidbits
so emi......my baby......she’s a strange one. she’s that bitch that’s super nerdy but in the weirdest way like the stuff she’s into is so specific and just....generally stuff literally no one else would care about but to emi it’s like holy shit this is the coolest thing in the world JSBDJWBDJWBJD she knows a little about a lot so she has the tendency to come across as pretentious if you don’t know her outside of class when in reality she’s just read one too many random facts. also weird in the sense that she’s a STRONG believer in the paranormal and in aliens and in witchcraft and stuff like that as well as believing in things that seem “logical”. it can be confusing to people who view that stuff as silly that someone so smart would be into it.
speaking of smart.....she’s a polygot which basically means she can speak a bunch of languages ! she’s self-taught, and since she’s a classics major some of her favorites to study include greek and latin ( dead language who ? ). she’s pretty chill about it though and if you wanted to learn she’d be the type that’s 100% down to teach you. she always learns the curse words first just you know....for the fun of it ! she probably has very specific “pet names” for everyone in the friend group in random languages
anyway she’s also stupid. ASDJWBDWBJDBWJDWJD i mean like in the way that she makes the most .... impulsive decisions that usually have negative consequences. she’s the type to convince herself she knows exactly what she’s then come up with the worst plan you have ever heard in your life. an example of a dumb decision emi has made ? your girl ate a pot brownie the day after she got back in her dorm after rehab bc she convinced herself it was a good way to de-stress. some other dumb decisions include various drunk tattoos ( which thankfully haven’t been too bad save for the words eat me tattooed in small font on her ass ). also owns a stick & poke gun so she’s for sure tried to tattoo friends while intoxicated despite.....not being a tattoo artist ... she’s not even an art student .... SJBDJWBDJW....but she’s very very good at convincing people to join in on her dumb antics so be weary
big on photography !!! she loves taking pictures. always that one friend who reminds you to document the moment and you get annoyed but then when you want to post a picture on insta you’re thankful she was there <3 she has the energy of like .... the dad friend when you need support JSDBWBDJWBDJW she tries to be caring but it just turns into like ... emi high off her ass putting her hand on your shoulder and being like “you know fuck it man you’re amazing” not that good at the emotional stuff like she really wants to be but she legit doesn’t know how.......kinda accidentally turned into an emo kid bc she channels her feelings though some kick ass playlists and the notes app in her iphone instead of talking to people JSBDJWBJDBWJDBJ
she’s high key struggling but she’s the type to be like no its fine this is fine life is a ride babey better hold on ! tries to keep things flirty and fresh 99% of the time but then you’ll witness the rare emi breakdown which.....involves a whole lot of tweets that will all be deleted within 24 hours and emi will in fact deny they ever existed
really a laid-back girl but the chaotic energy is there folks......she can also very easily get into her youngest child complex if she’s upset which just involves emi being a pain in the ass and everyone having to deal with it JSBDWBDJWBDJWBDJW she likes to make it hard to say no to her.....not exactly manipulative but sometimes she can get close /: not listed in her fears but she is in fact scared of genuine love and affection ! it’s like she craves it so much she’s terrified abt what will happen if she ever gets it.......so she makes sure she’s never in danger of that by never getting into anything serious.....but then at night shes like damn . kinda want a freak to hold my hand rn and tell me they love me ... JSDBWBDJWBDJWBJDWJDW it’s all fun and games.............
ok thats it im done rambling.................this is so long..............and for what !!!!! i made her more of a clown than i intended but thats okay (: JSDBJWBDWJDBWJ emi might hate clowns but im embracing them !
#╰ ♡ . 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒋𝒊 ── ooc ! ┘#what if......u read this......and plotted with me.....aha just kidding.....unless ?
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Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people who you want to get to know better.
Tagged by: @we-killed-parker (THANKS FRIENDO!)
Nickname: kat!
Zodiac: scorpio
Height: 5′3″ on a good day
Last movie I saw: the hate u give
Last thing I googled: “green tea mochi recipe” bc a bitch has a CRAVING and I was curious as to how hard it is to make mochi
Favorite musician: wild how I just forget the name of every musician on the planet,,,, but I mean, florence welsh has been the loml since I was like twelve so,
Song stuck in my head: nothing stuck in my head rn bc I'm currently listening to music,, so I'll just lyk what I'm listening to: monster - dodie
Other blogs: when I first joined Tumblr I would start making separate blogs for like, each and every one of my interests, but then for so long I said fuck that and threw everything on my main, the only exception to that being the wwe blog I made so I could live post wrestling without flooding y'all with it on here
Do I get asks: not usually but I love it when I do! I mostly get asks when I'm really active with writing (which is valid)
Following: 397
Followers: 1,178 (I still can’t believe that astronomically high #)
Amount of sleep: recently I've been getting around 6-7 hours b/c of class
Lucky number: 13
What I’m wearing: I'm layered up for the cold so - leggings & high socks, gray sweats over, a long sleeve thermal, black pullover sweatshirt over it, and then I have a warm headband over my ears rn and I have my scarf wrapped around me like a blanket lmao
Dream job: honestly idk but I like researching and tracing back language & analyzing literature to see what we can learn from language, so... something with linguistics? maybe linguistic anthropology? idk man
Dream trip: this mostly depends on if I'm going alone/with people, b/c rn I want to go to australia, but if I can get my dad to travel with me, I want to go to Italy with him
Favorite food: potatoes, cooked any kind of way
Play any instruments? I used to, but I don’t remember how to play any of them lmao
Languages: English is the only one I'm fluent in, I know some Italian and some ASL, but not enough to really hold my own weight in a conversation without help
Favorite songs: dude I can’t PICK I listen to so many songs, pls
Random Facts: uhhh my go-to random fact is that I was born on a Friday the 13th
Describe yourself as aesthetic things: oversized hoodies, owning too many socks, silver rings that regularly clink against things, muffled music that you can hear from the outside of someone else’s headphones, the smell of linen fresh out of the dryer, flowers that bloom in places they shouldn’t be, the smell of the ocean - specifically at night
Tag 21 people: ok honestly I always have a hard time thinking of people to tag but 21 is a LOT so really, anyone who sees this and thinks the questions are interesting and wants to do it, DO IT and say I tagged u! tag me so I can read ur answers!!
I am gonna throw in these peeps: @ash-athenake @thesmallestzita
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1-70 BINCH
Goddamn it sned
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yeah? For the most part
02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?
My parents
03: Do you regret anything?
Yeah
04: Are you insecure?
Eh, yes ? Only abt a few things.
05: What is your relationship status?
Single
06: How do you want to die?
Either by a heart attack or stroke, or in a sword fight. Or by doing something badass
07: What did you last eat?
Bagels
08: Played any sports?
Soccer, basketball, horseback riding and I’ve been wanting to do track since the 8th grade
09: Do you bite your nails?
No
10: When was your last physical fight?
A couple days ago with my brother
11: Do you like someone?
No
12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
Nope
13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
My parents always taught me that hate and love are very strong words and to use them only when you mean it. But no I don’t hate anyone
14: Do you miss someone?
Yeah. Friends and others.
15: Have any pets?
A cat! Named Diana, after Wonder Woman
16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
I feel like I’m always slightly anxious or paranoid idk. But Im watching tv and taking science notes and I’m gonna make my Mom naan bread so I’m ok rn
17: Ever made out in the bathroom?
Nope
18: Are you scared of spiders?
Fuck yes
19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Definitely
20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?
France
21: What are your plans for this weekend?
Yesterday I went horseback riding and went to the mall and today I have hw and am gonna make a lot of food lmao
22: Do you want to have kids? How many?
I’m not sure. I honestly think I’d want a couple teenagers. Like I’d adopt kids. Maybe 2 at first. At most like 5. I’m not sure why that many. Maybe bc I don’t think it would be that hard or maybe bc I want to give lots of kids a home and share my wisdom
23: Do you have piercings? How many?
Just my ears are pierced
24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
Art, English, maybe history? At the moment I have an 88 or higher in all my classes.
25: Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yeah
26: What are you craving right now?
Garlic naan bread, hot chocolate. Whipped cream. Strawberry’s. Grilled cheese.
27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?I don’t think so
28: Have you ever been cheated on?
No.
29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yeah
30: What’s irritating you right now?
The face that I need to study and am not and that I have one test and then I’m done with a class but I keep putting it off
31: Does somebody love you?
Yeah? I think?
32: What is your favourite color?Blue
33: Do you have trust issues?
I don’t think so
34: Who/what was your last dream about?
In my last dream I was trying to get high without my parents catching me and then i was in San Diego at a play with a few friends and I kept trying to find someone else and it was weird
35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I don’t remember. I try not to cry in front of people
36: Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yeah. But when I stop then it’s bc I’m just done
37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
I usually forgive but never forget and I can hold a grudge for a long time. It also depends on what happened. Give it a year I maybe be 80% over whatever happened depending on what it was
38: Is this year the best year of your life?
I mean it’s definitely in the top several. It’s okay so far
39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
14?
40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
If I have then I don’t remember lmaoo
51: Favourite food?
Steak, grilled vegetables Fries. Bacon. Bread rolls. Garlic naan bread. Banana bread. Pasta. Grilled cheese
52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
I have such a hard time explaining how I see fate and destiny because I’m never sure what’s going to happen or how it’s going to or if whatever we did was right or if it leads to where we’re supposed to go or end up with it’s all v complicated
53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
I looked up rain noises on Amazon music and put that on before I fell asleep
54: Is cheating ever okay?
No
55: Are you mean?
If Im mean it’s either in a kidding way or in a way where I’m trying mot to be vulnerable
56: How many people have you fist fought?
Just my brothers
57: Do you believe in true love?
I’d like to think that it exists
58: Favourite weather?Rain
59: Do you like the snow?
Yeah!!
60: Do you wanna get married?
Yeah one day
61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
If a boy I like calls me baby, that’s a no but if a girl I like calls me baby I melt. It’s weird. Some friends call me babe and like with certain ppl that’s okay but not with others
62: What makes you happy?
Making ppl laugh. Making art.
63: Would you change your name?
Nah
64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Considering I don’t even remember who it was, yes.
65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Jokes on you I don’t have a best friend of the opposite sex. I guess there’s Kai but he’s gay so I’d be like go make out with your bf and tell me if you still feel this way
66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Nah
67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My little brother
68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Zara
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
I believe in a form of soulmates
70: Is there anyone you would die for?
A couple ppl
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Do all of them
1. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HELD HANDS WITH?
umm i don’t remember
2. ARE YOU OUTGOING OR SHY?
i’m pretty shy
3. WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING?
no one in particular
4. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
yeah i’m pretty nice
5. IF YOU WERE DRUNK WOULD THE PERSON YOU LIKE TAKE CARE OF YOU?
idk
6. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO?
just people who share a lot in common with me, and people who are easy to talk to
7. DO YOU THINK YOU’LL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TWO MONTHS FROM NOW?
nah
8. WHO FROM THE OPPOSITE GENDER IS ON YOUR MIND?
my dog
9. DOES TALKING ABOUT SEX MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?
nah
10. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH?
probably my friend sw
11. WHAT DOES THE MOST RECENT TEXT THAT YOU SENT SAY?
it was a text a few days ago asking my dad to pick me up
12. WHAT ARE YOUR 5 FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW?
homemade dynamite by lorde
broken clocks by sza
white mustang by lana del rey
garden by sza
this must be my dream by the 1975
13. DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR?
yes i looove it
14. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK AND MIRACLES?
yeah ig
15. WHAT GOOD THING HAPPENED THIS SUMMER?
i went to canada for the first time and i loooved it 10/10 would go again
16. WOULD YOU KISS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED AGAIN?
i’ve never kissed anyone
17. DO YOU THINK THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?
yeah the universe is so big there’s gotta be smth there
18. DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR FIRST CRUSH?
nah
19. DO YOU LIKE BUBBLE BATHS?
yeah
20. DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEIGHBORS?
yeah they’re a’ight
21. WHAT ARE YOU BAD HABITS?
i bite my nails a lot it’s so bad
22. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL?
anywhere in europe like france, the u.k., italy, etc. i wanna go to japan and south korea, and i wanna go to canada and vietnam again
23. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?
nah
24. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?
my nightly skincare routine!! i wanna have clear skin
25. WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY ARE YOU MOST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH?
my nails since i pick at them so much
26. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
go back to sleep or go on my phone
27. DO YOU WISH YOUR SKIN WAS LIGHTER OR DARKER?
i wanna be tanner right now
28. WHO ARE YOU MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND?
my sister
29. HAVE ANY OF YOUR EX’S TOLD YOU THEY REGRET BREAKING UP?
no i don’t have an ex
30. DO YOU EVER WANT TO GET MARRIED?
yeah it would be pretty sweet
31. IF YOUR HAIR LONG ENOUGH FOR A PONY TAIL?
yes
32. WHICH CELEBRITIES WOULD YOU HAVE A THREESOME WITH?
none, i’d rather admire them from afar
33. SPELL YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN.
brave sky
34. DO YOU PLAY SPORTS? WHAT SPORTS?
i run cross country, and i sprint and long jump in track. sometimes i do triple jump!
35. WOULD YOU RATHER LIVE WITHOUT TV OR MUSIC?
tv
36. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE AND NEVER TOLD THEM?
yeah, basically with all my crushes
37. WHAT DO YOU SAY DURING AWKWARD SILENCES?
talk about stuff i’m looking forward to, or stuff i did yesterday
38. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM GIRL/GUY?
the girl reading this ;)
jk ghkdsflhg
39. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE STORES TO SHOP IN?
target and lush!
40. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL?
go to college
41. DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE?
yeah, unless they did smth super fucked up
42. IF YOUR BEING EXTREMELY QUIET WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
it don’t mean anything i’m jus chillin
43. DO YOU SMILE AT STRANGERS?
if they smile at me first yeah
44. TRIP TO OUTER SPACE OR BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN?
outer space!
45. WHAT MAKES YOU GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING?
my dog who wants to pee
46. WHAT ARE YOU PARANOID ABOUT?
nothing really
47. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH?
nope
48. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK?
nope
49. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING RECENTLY THAT YOU HOPE NOBODY FINDS OUT ABOUT?
maybe
50. WHAT WAS THE COLOUR OF THE LAST HOODIE YOU WORE?
black and red
51. EVER WISHED YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE?
yeah
52. ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
my height! i wanna be taller!
53. FAVOURITE MAKEUP BRAND?
don’t have one. i don’t really wear makeup, but i wanna try using nyx!
54. FAVOURITE STORE?
target, can’t go wrong with them
55. FAVOURITE BLOG?
if we’re talking about tumblr, i like thebootydiaries
56. FAVOURITE COLOUR?
blue
57. FAVOURITE FOOD?
lasagna
58. LAST THING YOU ATE?
apples
59. FIRST THING YOU ATE THIS MORNING?
pasta
60. EVER WON A COMPETITION? FOR WHAT?
i’ve won kahoot a few times
61. BEEN SUSPENDED/EXPELLED? FOR WHAT?
no
62. BEEN ARRESTED? FOR WHAT?
no
63. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
yeah
64. TELL US THE STORY OF YOUR FIRST KISS?
never had a first kiss
65. ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?
no
66. DO YOU LIKE YOUR TUMBLR FRIENDS MORE THAN YOUR REAL FRIENDS?
i like them both equally
67. FACEBOOK OR TWITTER?
twitter
68. TWITTER OR TUMBLR?
hmm tumblr
69. ARE YOU WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW?
no
70. NAMES OF YOUR BESTFRIENDS?
penny, chip, and used napkin
lmao jk
71. CRAVING SOMETHING? WHAT?
i want some mangoes rn
too bad they’re out of season
72. WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR TOWELS?
i have some blue towels, some white towels, and a few tannish beige towels
72. HOW MANY PILLOWS DO YOU SLEEP WITH?
2
73. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?
yeah, just one
74. HOW MANY STUFFED ANIMALS DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE?
too many
75. FAVOURITE ANIMAL?
dog
76. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?
white
77. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
chocolate for sure
78. FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?
mint chocolate chip!
79. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
red
80. WHAT COLOUR PANTS?
purple
81. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
sense8 is one of my favorites i can’t believe it got cancelled after only 2 seasons :( it’s so good
i also like parks and recreation and the office
82. FAVOURITE MOVIE?
heathers!! and legally blonde!
83. MEAN GIRLS OR MEAN GIRLS 2?
mean girls, i hear the second one is awful
84. MEAN GIRLS OR 21 JUMP STREET?
mean girls
85. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM MEAN GIRLS?
damien is a gay icon!!
86. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM FINDING NEMO?
probably dory
87. FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY?
my mom
88. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY?
my sister
89. NAME A PERSON YOU HATE?
trump
90. NAME A PERSON YOU LOVE?
barack obama i miss him ):
91. IS THERE ANYONE YOU WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW?
yeah, those people who wanna repeal net neutrality
92. IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE?
is this asking me if i have been in a fight with someone bc i actually fight with my sister a lot lmao
93. HOW MANY SWEATPANTS DO YOU HAVE?
uhh like 5
94. HOW MANY SWEATERS/HOODIES DO YOU HAVE?
probably 5 as well
95. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
christine
96. FAVOURITE ACTRESS?
uma thurman
97. FAVOURITE ACTOR?
chris pratt is great
98. DO YOU TAN A LOT?
not really, only during the summer
99. HAVE ANY PETS?
i have 2 hamsters and a dog which i’ve only mentioned a few hundred times
100. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
i’m feeling a lil frustrated bc i’ve accidentally gone back to the previous page bc my mouse is annoying as hell and none of my answers saved so i’ve had to go back and start over
101. DO YOU TYPE FAST?
yeah
102. DO YOU REGRET ANYTHING FROM YOUR PAST?
yeah lol
103. CAN YOU SPELL WELL?
yes!
104. DO YOU MISS ANYONE FROM YOUR PAST?
yeah a lil bit
105. EVER BEEN TO A BONFIRE PARTY?
i have! it was just with a few people but it was rly fun!
106. EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART?
nope
107. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A HORSE?
yes
108. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING?
studying for my final lmao
109. IS SOMETHING IRRITATING YOU RIGHT NOW?
yeah
110. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURT?
umm not really?
111. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?
no, i think i was already asked this
112. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF?
my mom?
113. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD NICKNAME?
it was a vietnamese word, but i don’t remember what it was!
114. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUT OF YOUR PROVINCE/STATE?
yeah
115. DO YOU PLAY THE WII?
yup
116. ARE YOU LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW?
yes!
117. DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP?
ofc!
118. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
hell yea
119. FAVOURITE BOOK?
deep and dark and dangerous by mary downing hahn
120. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
no
121. ARE YOU MEAN?
sometimes
122. IS CHEATING EVER OKAY?
no way man, but idk how to feel about cheating bc your partner cheated on you first
123. CAN YOU KEEP WHITE SHOES CLEAN?
probably not
124. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
not really
125. DO YOU BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE?
no
126. ARE YOU CURRENTLY BORED?
nah
127. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
going out and doing fun stuff
128. WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME?
nah
129. WHAT YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
aries
130. DO YOU LIKE SUBWAY?
yeah
131. YOUR BESTFRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKES YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO?
if i don’t feel the same way i’d just tell them
132. WHO’S THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH?
already answered
133. FAVOURITE LYRICS RIGHT NOW?
got a sweet asian chick she go lo mein!
134. CAN YOU COUNT TO ONE MILLION?
ain’t nobody got time for that
135. DUMBEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD?
umm ok i was gonna go see a movie with a few friends, but i forgot about it and the morning they were gonna see it, i told them i had plans with my mom khglsdhfhg
ik i coulda just had my parents drive me to the theater but they hate it when i tell them about my plans last minute
136. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?
closed
137. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5′1″
138. CURLY OR STRAIGHT HAIR?
straight
139. BRUNETTE OR BLONDE?
uhh neither? i have black hair
140. SUMMER OR WINTER?
winter
141. NIGHT OR DAY?
day
142. FAVOURITE MONTH?
december
143. ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN?
no, but i wanna limit my intake on meat
144. DARK, MILK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?
dark chocolate is the best
145. TEA OR COFFEE?
coffee! i love matcha green tea tho
146. WAS TODAY A GOOD DAY?
it was okay
147. MARS OR SNICKERS?
snickers
148. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE?
love yo self!!!
149. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?
yes, but i’ve never had any experiences with them
150. GET THE CLOSEST BOOK NEXT TO YOU, OPEN IT TO PAGE 42, WHAT’S THE FIRST LINE ON THAT PAGE?
from my sister’s physical science textbook: “How do you know which characteristics are physical properties?”
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the beautiful, luminous, inimitable @violaeade tagged me for 50 book questions!
1. What is your favourite book and/or book series of all time?
oh maybe everything leads to you by nina lacour! it just really gets to me
2. What is the longest book you have ever read? How many pages?
uhh idk what’s the longest harry potter book bc probably that? i dont... read books that long usually
3. What is the oldest book you have ever read? (Based on its written date)
ummm i think and then there were none by agatha christie? i dont keep track by time tbh but i dont read that many old books bc i tend to have trouble reading them
4. What is a book series that everyone else loves but you do not?
the raven cycle lol
5. What book or book series would you like to see turned into a film/ TV series?
oh god most of them? 99% of the lesbian ones for sure. percy jackson would make an excellent animated movie series imo. i’m clearly biased but tasu/teota would be great on screen.
6. What is your favourite stand-alone book?
most of the gay ones i read are standalones and theres so many good ones... i already said everything leads to you but we are okay and you know me well are also extremely good! of fire and stars killed me as well.
7. What is a book that you feel glad for not reading?
god. straight ones? ones that i heard are racist or homo/lesbo/bi/transphobic, but in general i’m picky abt what i read bc i don’t read that many books.
8. What is a book that you feel guilty for not reading?
i was gonna say i don’t feel guilty about not reading books i don’t like/don’t want to but that’s a lie- babe if ur reading this i am SO sorry i never finished the last chaos walking book
9. What is a book you have read that is set in your country of birth?
most of them lol that’s what i get for living in america. i read we are okay pretty recently which takes place in new york, the state i was born in, so that’s a bit more specific.
10. What is a book that you own more than one copy of?
i have 2 copies of redwall for no reason other than my high school library was selling one for a dollar so i bought it even tho i had it already. i have a couple copies of some of the a wrinkle in time books bc i got some of them as gifts a bunch.
11. What horror book made you really scared?
omg i don’t read horror but that one skulduggery pleasant short story about bubba moon or whatever freaked me the fuck out tbh
12. What book do you passionately hate?
um i haven’t read enough terrible books to say i hate them that passionately? but i rly kinda hated trc. oh yeah i read the first c*aptive pr*nce book in hs on the recommendation of a friend and it just made me so uncomfortable the entire time i really. did not have a good time with that one and i wish i hadn’t read it
13. What is the biggest book series you have read? How many books are in it?
skulduggery pleasant! theres 9 books plus short stories i still can’t believe i read all those
14. What book gives you happy memories?
aw sabrina answered this with the flywheel by erin gough and i have to say the same bc she sent it to me for my birthday, full of annotations of thoughts and jokes she made herself AND got it signed by the author, and i’ve uhhhh never felt so loved in my life
15. What book made you cry?
oh the book thief for sure. everything leads to you made me cry a bunch while rereading it even tho its not sad? thos were love tears. that happens a lot actually.
16. What book made you laugh?
skulduggery pleasant! there’s so many good lines in that one. my dad used to always hand me a book he’d just read and tell me to read a certain chapter he found hilarious but i never read the whole book but he always found hilarious memoirs too.
17. What is your favourite book that contains an LGBTQ+ character?
lmaoo like all the books i read are gay? the abyss surrounds us/the edge of the abyss have really unique lesbian characters because they’re so angry and vindictive and dumb and interesting and DRAMATIC so that one gets a shout out
18. Have you read a book with a male protagonist? What is it?
what the fuck is that (ok i legit just finished reading when the moon was ours by anna marie mclemore tho bc my gf rec’d it and it was p good)
19. Have you read a book set on another planet? What is it?
does fantasy count? bc then of fire and stars. uhh chaos walking is on a new planet. a wrinkle in time involves other planets too! wow i’m crushing this one
20. Have you ever been glad to not finish a series? Which?
the raven cycle lol i thought it was a finished trilogy when i started the first book so i just never read the last one and i am so relieved
21. Have you ever read a book series because you were pressured?
not really? i don’t really feel pressure, i value recommendations from my girlfriend friends way more than things that are trending or popular. i’ve read a couple that i blindly picked from internet lists that i didn’t care for tho but that was really a while ago
22. What famous author have you not read any books by?
pretty much any author we were supposed to read in high school. any classic or even modern famous author i probably haven’t read. i’ve read like a dozen books ever
23. Who is your favourite author of all time?
tbh nina lacour is really up there. when i was really young it was definitely gail carson levine. i rly loved anne ursu’s books as well.
24. How many bookshelves do you own?
only one! and a bunch of boxes that i never unpacked after we moved like 3 years ago. my mom wants to put a big wall bookshelf in our house somewhere bc this one didn’t come with any like our last house did but who knows if that’ll happen.
25. How many books do you own?
are u trying to make me count?
26. What is your favourite non-fiction book?
ohhh i don’t read much of this genre. i always avoided it as a kid and i’ve been meaning to get into it more but i haven’t yet. i’m really looking forward to reading a sally ride biography tho
27. What is your favourite children’s/middle-grade book?
the chronus chronicles by anne ursu were my JAM in elementary/middle school omg. i also really loved the may bird series which i didn’t read until high school.
28. What is your next book on your TBR?
i’m about to start georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit finally! my gf bought me 10 things i can see from here and i love her so whenever that arrive i’m probably gonna devour that. i want to reread a wrinkle in time soon since the trailer comes out this weekend! plus a million others
29. What book are you currently reading?
i literally just finished when the moon was ours which felt like it took me ten years to read and i haven’t started another yet but it’ll be georgia peaches bc thats the other one i got from the library and i already had to renew them haha
30. What book are you planning on buying next?
um this old west lesbian novel called backwards to oregon! i’ve been craving westerns lately but as always i’m also craving gay content
31. What was the cheapest book you bought?
i used to buy a ton of old paperbacks, usually goofy looking sf or fantasy novels from library sales for dollars or quarters so definitely those.
32. What was the most expensive book you bought?
i can tell u the most expensive book i got for free was a beautiful bound collection of hg wells stories that i just got from some book at bea before it was bookcon lol
ones i actually paid for... do art books count??
33. What is a book you read after seeing the movie/ TV series?
nah i usually have no intention of reading the book if i watched the show/movie first
34. What is the newest book you have bought?
akdjghksjgh a lesbian western novella called from the boots up for a few bucks on kindle
35. What three books are you most looking forward to reading this year?
the rest of the gay books i’ve bought but haven’t read yet! not your sidekick and labyrinth lost, i’m VERY excited to reread a wrinkle in time and i also really want to read stone butch blues
36. What is a book you love that has a terrible trope? (Love triangle, etc)
crush by sr silcox has the cutest lesbian teen summer romance AND one them is secretly a rock star avoiding her fame bc her controlling dad was turning into HIS dream instead of HERS akdjghksdjgh its fantastic i adored it
37. Have you read a book in a different language? What was it?
oh no i’m dumb as hell
38. What is a book you’ve read that is set in a time period before you were born?
for some reason dave at night by gail carson levine popped into my head first? that was my favorite as a kid and i reread it all the time and i think it took place in the 20s or 30s with all that good good jazz shit
39. What book offended you?
hm not sure how to answer this one
40. What is the weirdest book you have read?
idk the may bird series was pretty weird. gone by michael grant? i read the first for a high school book club and i just could not get into it or understand it even a little
41. What is your favourite duology?
ditty the abyss surrounds us & the edge of the abyss !!
42. What is your favourite trilogy?
wow i really haven’t read that many trilogies esp ones i loved. i guess may bird or the chronus chronicles then!
43. What book did you buy because of its cover?
the maze runner! also bc i heard it was good but i hated that book so
44. What is a book that you love, but has a terrible cover?
honestly i can’t think of one rn
45. Do you own a poetry anthology? What is your favourite poem from it?
nope! i also hated poetry as a kid and have only tried to get into it recently. i have a book of sappho’s fragments and i want to get tracy k smith from the library but thats about it
46. Do you own any colouring books based off other books?
nope
47. Do you own any historical fiction?
thats possible
48. What book made you angry?
the maze runner really did?? for some reason and i don’t get mad that much but it just really had me steamin. sabrina also said grasshopper jungle and i’m inclined to say same lmao. i haven’t read it but seeing all the lesbophobia in not otherwise specified recently made me really mad and also upset
49. What book has inspired you?
aw inspired is a serious word to throw around. the miseducation of cameron post, idk if it “inspired” me but it was my first lesbian novel and that really did a lot for me.
50. What book got you into reading?
i think it was a wrinkle in time! or maybe roald dahl books before that, but a wrinkle in time was definitely up there, and maybe the shadow thieves by anne ursu
i’m tagging @reading-takes-you-places and @mywomensworld and anyone who wants to! i don’t talk to many people here but if you follow me and want to, go for it!
#boy this was so many questions and i really don't......read..............#but ily babe ty for tagging me <3#long post
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1 - 102 and if you answer them all i'll do the same.. thats the deal
its a deal then
this is gonna be long
1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
it was mydad so, yeah
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
im 18, so obviously i would
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
when i left college, 5 months ago. i’ll be back next semester
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
i’ve done it, what’s the big deal?
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
i dont think she knows and i dont think she’d even care
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yeah andit was awful
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
i’ve heard that line right there too many times, you sound like a 15 yearold trying to get nudes. anyways, im wearing blue pjs
8. How often do you listen to music?
on long rides, while studying, while doing chores, while reading, whilewasting my time on social media. so, most of the time i guess
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
jeans
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?
ok its 2017 already but im gonna change it to “...change dramaticallybefore 2018?″. not so much, it has changed a lot in a year already
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
social
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
yes, my guy best friend, we were both drunk, shit happens. it kind ofbrought us together as friends hahaha
13. What about ‘R’?
no
14. Can you drive a stick shift?
thats the only type of vehicle i drive
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
i’d like to say no but yeah, i do. it depends on what people tho
16. Are you going out of town soon?
probably tomorrow. i go “out of town” a lot
17. When was the last time you cried?
i dont remember. about two months ago i think
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
yeah.huge mistake
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
maybe i’d change my eyes from hazel to a deeper green
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
i thinkso
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
i haven’t finished the essay i was gonna present today, now i’ll have topresent it tomorrow
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
i loveit, yesss
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
no
24. What are you sitting on right now?
my couch
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
my bestfriend
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
i do
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
mybrother
28. Do you get a lot of colds?
no, i get colds once a year, twice a year tops
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
idk, idc
30. Does anyone hate you?
i thinkso. im sorry
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
no, im asocial drinker
32. Do you like watching scary movies?
hate them
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
hell no
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
either 2014 or 2015. big parts of 2016 too... maybe a little bit of thisone but its been the best year i’ve ever lived since 2013.
35. Did you have a dream last night?
yeah, the seniors in my old high school were 10x better than last yearseniors -when i was a senior- and teachers loved them (teachers hated mygeneration) and they all graduated from IB and had their diplomas linned up inthe hall (i didnt graduated from IB or get the diploma and everyone hated me bci was the only student in my generation that failed and so no one could say“gen16 was a 100% IB generation! the first one in this high school!” bc of me)
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
a coupleof weeks ago
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
i hopenot
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
a couple of people, tiny andd small feelings but i now they do
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
maybe wondering what happened to me, yeah. but probably no one is
40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
yes, areally good one
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
not a serious one but yeah
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
yeah, lots of girls. but im a girl and i like boys so who cares if ihang out with a girl
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
yes and lots of times and they did lose me. i just couldn’t handle themany longer, my patience couldn’t take it anymore, it had been YEARS of dealingwith the same shit and enough was enough. but i couldn’t break theirheart so i just told them i had changed and left. that probably makes me anasshole but idc
44. What’s the best part about school?
meeting new people all the time, learning new amazing things and gettingto test them and the late night bar celebrations when we nailed a test
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
of course, why wouldn’t i?
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
i used to do that in 7th grade, not anymore
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
yes i wish i could change so many things, so many situations in which idid the wrong thing
48. Were you single over the last summer?
oh yeah and i had never been so happy of being single
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
just a little bit but it has changed A LOT and im grateful for it
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
finishingmy essay...
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
im hating him rn but most of the time i love that guy. stupid guys
52. Are you nice to everyone?
most people. im not nice to one single person but im nice to the rest ofthe human population. fuck that bitch tho
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
i’ve only liked people i didn’t expect to. except one guy probably.
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
i’ve never cheated, i think i can last a lifetime without cheating.cheating is a horrible thing to do, i don’t wish it on anybody
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i used to be very good, lately i suck at it but idc anymore, its ok
56. Do you think you like someone?
kind of
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
yes and i would do it again
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
girls are sketchy, boys are chill. i get along better with guys but theyare also clueless idiots so... some guys
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
yes
60. Do you hate anyone?
no
61. How’s your heart?
confused but healthy and happy like it hasn’t been in years
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
plenty ofthings
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
no and i dont plan on ever doing it
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
the same boring bitches that always have, “”friends”“ and also their stupidparents that care too much about what i do with my life. fuck off
65. Are your toenails painted pink?
no
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
i really hope not, not again
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
no, i hate sensitive, dramatic people. if he cries for a good reasonthen ok but i wouldn’t love it, i’d be sad for him too
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
no
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
my bestfriend from Peru
70. How do you look right now?
ok, butmessy
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
plenty of people (family and friends), im an open book
72. Can you commit to one person?
yes, but it looks like however made this questions cant
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
thought i did, turns out i dont
74. Have you ever felt replaced?
yes, a couple of times. always by friends tho
75. Did you wake up cranky?
not today, i had an amazing night of sleep
76. Are you a jealous person?
no
77. Are relationships ever worth it?
yes yes yes, SO WORTH IT. you just have to find the right person
78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
not rn
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
more like craving to see him. fuck my life
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
turn in this stupid essay i’ve mentioned twice already
81. Last person you cried in front of?
bestfriend
82. Is there someone you will never forget?
yeah
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
a littlebit
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
probably taking a walk and talking and staring at his beautiful smile
85. Are you over your past?
most of it. the latest “past” is still haunting me but im getting overit slowly
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
not morethan physical attraction
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
three tofour people
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
if i had one i could answer this. i think i kind of did and i wouldn’taccept it
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
what do you want??, what is the matter with you??, what on earth are youdoing here?? FUCK OFF.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
yes
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
no
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
yeah
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
i live in Costa Rica, im latina. guys here have names like “Jose, JuanPablo, Andres, Gerardo, Alonso”, not “Matthew, James”. so of course i haven’t
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
no and i lived the single life at its finest
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
no
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
he’s a fucking model for fuck’s sakes, he’s a GOD. he’s so hot. why am ifriends with him?? itcomplicates everything
97. Who do you have texts from?
my best friends, my guy friends, my family group chat, my girl friendsgroup chats, my crush
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
thats great, and do you think she likes you? hey good luck! *pretends idont have feelings and keeps on being a good friends*
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
the first person i ever kissed was a year older than me
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
ok in my tumblr icon im with my best friend, in my whatsapp, twitter andfacebook profile pictures im alone
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
no
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
no
done! that took me like an hour damn... sorry to the people who’s dashboard i interrupted with this post
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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME
warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.
im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.
last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!
i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.
in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES
first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!
and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!
i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.
it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.
all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!
what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!
ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.
#trumpet hate#personal#wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience#ask to tag
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alright this has been sitting here for like a month and im tipsy so im gonna fkin answer it
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
i have a great relationship with my mom!!
02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?
my girlfriend 😊😊😊😊❤❤
03: Do you regret anything?
oh sure i do! lots of little things. that’s anxiety babey. but i don’t regret any choices that have got me to where i am today
04: Are you insecure?
it depends on the day, i am some of the time - but it’s a huge improvement from the past omg
05: What is your relationship status?
in a RELATIONSHIP with the LOVE OF MY LIFE
06: How do you want to die?
i do Not like this question ! goodbye thot
07: What did you last eat?
salsa chicken and rice, and zucchini!!!!! and i might annihilate a pint of ice cream later
08: Played any sports?
yes omg i played soccer and lacrosse!!! i love lacrosse sm.
09: Do you bite your nails?
nope i never have! i used to rip them off though lmfao! not the whole thing!!!!! jsust bits
10: When was your last physical fight?
never lmao
11: Do you like someone?
yes
12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
no oh my goodness i would literally die
13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
sober kaiden might be all dramatic and say yes but white claw kaiden says No :-)
14: Do you miss someone?
yes :( i want to be Kissed!
15: Have any pets?
yA omg i have 2 cats at my mom’s house!!!!! i cannot wait until i can have my own pet
16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
i’m actually feeling fgreat, it’s basically my summer break rn and usually i’d feel terrible with no strict plans of what to do, but today was so much fun. i had a great time just fuckin around. im very optimistic
17: Ever made out in the bathroom?
HEHEHE oh my gosh, i don’t kiss and tell, but yes i do actually. ok so not a public bathroom but someone else’s bathroom at a party, yes, and my own bathroom, yes, and someone else’s bathroom, yes! i just love bathrooms (wow i sound so cis)
18: Are you scared of spiders?
not especially ! i am Not good at capturing them and also i cannot kill them, but i am sometimes ok with just letting them chill. ok maybe i lied. it depends
19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
no 😤
20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?
the brit Popped Out! the last place was, the airport when i dropped my girlfriend off :(((((
21: What are your plans for this weekend?
omg well it’s still the weeknd rn? it’s sunday night. and my plans were: d&D!!!!!! and it was SO FUN!!! but next weekend, im seeing my bestie graduate college along w my other mt friends, and then on sunday i’m driving home 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
22: Do you want to have kids? How many?
Yes I Do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i ‘m not super sure, maybe 2? 1 would be fine too but also i feel like siblings are great, even tho they’re terrible at the same time. like i’d face my brother in ritual combat but i would also slap a high schooler in the face for being mean to him, yknow
23: Do you have piercings? How many?
i do! i have 2 closed up ear holes.
24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
i was always great great great at english/reading/spelling! now i’m in college so like uhhh . i get to choose my subjects. so my best is photography ahah!! but i’m not bad at writing :-)
25: Do you miss anyone from your past?
not desperately. sometimes i feel the urge to reconnect with old friends tho
26: What are you craving right now?
a Kiss!!!!!!
27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
wait omg first i have a story. so on facebook they used to have those things where you’d answer questions, like this, in a note. i got tagged to do one so i did. let me set the scene. it was sophonmore year of high schoool. im 16. i’d broken up with my first “real” boyfriend a few months ago. so i was tagged for this shindig right.? it got to this very same question: have you ever broken someone’s heart? and i thought about this kid who i dated for 2.5 months...and i was like....well, clearly, he’s devastated we aren’t together! so i answered “Yes. Unfortunately.” ooohhhhh..... the drama.......the absolute emotion..... riveting.... who was he ? i was probably listening to jonas brothers SOS at the time.
anyway, how am i supposed to actually know ? like does sometone have to say “u broke my heart?” bc if so no one’s said that. but my last gf took the breakup v hard so maybe ? but i don’t wanna plant emotions in to anyone’s skull!
28: Have you ever been cheated on?
one of my exes sexted her friends. jury is still out on whether that counts, please lmk me know ur thots. kaelin, if ur out there, i’m so.................................happy that i haven’t spoken a word to you for 3 years. fuck off !
29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes
30: What’s irritating you right now?
real quick, an update on the chocolate ice cream situtiaon. i’ve cracked open my pint, as well as another hard seltzer. i’ve also lit a candle. it’s a real production
anyway, no ! oh hahahah. sorry. thought it shaid who’s irritating you. ummm, personal stuff! but im not like mad. just personal drama
31: Does somebody love you?
lors of people do! and lots of people love You Too!!!!! you’re a delight!
32: What is your favourite color?
i LOVE yellow !!!!!!!!!!!! and blue, specifically teal! but not too dark of a teal you km,now ?
33: Do you have trust issues?
depends what im trusting them with !
34: Who/what was your last dream about?
i had a nightmare that i was sabrina the teenage witch and another witch was chasing me on a rooftop trying to kill me :(
35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
hmmm idk actually bc it’s hbeen hard for me to cry lately :( probably maya ?
36: Do you give out second chances too easily?
to be honest i don’t think i’ve often had the chance to Give a second chance
37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
idk man iuhhh it’s kinda hard to just literally completely forget! and mnaybe not as healthy!
38: Is this year the best year of your life?
that’s kinda premature, it’s only april!!! but i suppose may is soon. idk im not sure! maybe every year is the best year of my life :-)
39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
20 bb
40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
i have ANaughT
51: Favourite food?
i would give up everything for a bgagel. i also LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE sushi! my fave roll is i think either spicy tuna w the spicy sawce or seared salmon ora spicy tuna hand roll. i fuck sushi
52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
this is a hard question for me to answer bc i want to say yes but also i don’t think abuse or murder or bad things or unnecessary death happens for any reason other thna, it just does sometimes and that sucks real bad. so idk. i don’t think everything has a grand purpose. but i blieve in my life, everything that’s happened to me has in fact led me to where i am today and i’m learning and healing and growing. that being said i could do without some of the things that have happend to me!
53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
read a storm of swords :00000
54: Is cheating ever okay?
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the point of cheating is it’s a breach of Trust! and that’s not okay!
55: Are you mean?
i hope not :(
56: How many people have you fist fought?
what is with u brits
57: Do you believe in true love?
depends what u mean by true love...like in fairytales? i think true love is just loving someone so much you’re willing to work on whatever you need to to keep them. not unconditional in the sense of “even if they’re mean i still love them” but unconditional in the sense of “even if u fart in front of me i don’t care, and even if you go through hardship and aren’t yourself for a while i will still love you because im with u for real”
58: Favourite weather?
SUN SUN SUN my favorite is when it’s warm out, but there are clouds to gaze at. it’s kinda humid. there’s a slight breeze. oh gosh i can’t wait for the summer :*( im currently cyring
59: Do you like the snow?
i am so fucking tired of the snow LMFAO it snows 8 months of the year here and i’m here, guess what, 8 months of the year! i fuckin hate it! go shit on someone else, clouds
60: Do you wanna get married?
YES more than anything, so much, i want to, so badly
61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD I DIE I MELT
62: What makes you happy?
sunshine, late night drives, laughing so hard my stomach hurts w/ my best frineds, playing d&d, writing poetry, thinking about how small animals’ feets are, petting my cat and making him purr, talking to my little brother about real stuff, kissing my girlfriend and seeing her smile, warm blankets when it’s cold, eating cookie dough, dancing, singing in the car, holding hands, walking in the summer and listening to my favorite podcast, talking about harry potter with my mom, playing overwatch in the summer with andy, going to council crest
the list could go on forever :-)
63: Would you change your name?
already did PAL!!!!!!!!!!!
64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
only hard bc she’s not physically here rn. but no, it would be easy, beacuse she’s so kisssable
65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
if you define sex by GENITALS YOU BIG BIBNCH then i don’t Have one
66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
stop omg......
67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
STOP OMG
68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
hmmmmmmmmmm..... idk maybe jamie
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
i don’t necessarily believe that there’s 1 perfect person for everyone out there romatnically, but i believe thaere are people destined to be in your life and i believe there are people that you will click with just absolutely instantly and feel an incredibly deep connection with, whether it be romantic or not
70: Is there anyone you would die for?
kinda morbid :/
#Anonymous#the life and lies of kaiden#this was SO FUN im gonna do the othe rone too!!!!!!!!!!!!!11#maya#askies
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