#bc I'm realizing that I don't like identifying as nonbinary specifically bc of how ppl often use that

[genderkoolaid]

i think "nonbinary" can be useful but a lot of times the way it is being used isn't helpful to actually discussing nonbinary people, especially since it is a HUGE umbrella term with very few boundaries. like there are nonbinary men & women, so positioning "nonbinary" as something intrinsically separate from man/woman isn't accurate. or there are times where it would be more useful to name the specific group (like multigender people, androgynes, abinary/aphorians) rather than a much vaguer term

in general the problem is that our language to describe nonbinary existence is basically some scraps held together with duct tape. there's sooo many ways in which nonbinary people are erased or binaried through language. not just through the lack of gender neutral options but the la of blatantly genderqueer ones.

i kinda feel like as of right now, nonbinary-ness is pretty slapdash & all over the place and it would be helpful to have a large-scale discussion on what terminology would be best for discussing things like exorsexism and it's various aspects, and how to talk about nonbinary people without homogenizing us, while ALSO acknowledging the need for umbrella terms that can cover a range of individual identities, even if people don't personally identify with the umbrella term itself. & on that note we should also probably discuss the issue of. like. perfectionism wrt nonbinary language & the way that potentially useful terms get lost bc of it. I don't think nonbinary people can really achieve meaningful equality and inclusion on the same level until we are able to have equally diverse and useful ways of describing ourselves, and a stronger understanding of how we relate to each other as a community.

#I've been chewing on this general topic for a while #bc I'm realizing that I don't like identifying as nonbinary specifically bc of how ppl often use that #to just mean ''gender neutral'' & often exclude androgyne multigenders by assuming nb can't be men/women #even trans theory so often just groups nonbinary people in with whoever feels the most relevant and is uninterested in exploring exorsexism #outsidr of it's connection to other issues #there's an assumption that nonbinary experiences can be more or less grouped in w binary ones without missing out on much #it's just frustrating. same w when people assume that all transitions end w people looking cis-passing #and ignore the difficulties that can come from things like non traditional bottom surgery! #there's next to no resources for salmacians and virtually none for agenital prople #which y'know. might be important for things like urinary/genital care #or sex work or anything #hell so many people have argued that exorsexism doesn't exist because all nonbinary oppression is ''just transphobia'' #so many ppl are completely uninterested in looking at nonbinary people separate from binary ppl & binary experiences #m.

[anaryllis]

thank you ange!! okay so I'm recently coming to terms with being an nb trans guy despite id-ing as an nb lesbian previously. i've known for a while, but i'm just now telling people who are important to me for the first time and pursuing transition. my gf has been super supportive. i love her deeply. i KNOW i'm into women and many nb people, but lately i've been questioning if i like men or not. i know that since becoming more comfortable with my transmasc identity i've been fantasizing (1/4)

about situations with men, specifically other transmascs, and sometimes fictional / celeb men somewhat incessantly. like it's my go to fantasy right now. but i'm not sure i've ever been like attracted to a real guy irl. in fact i'm actively repulsed by many men. i guess all the transmascs in my life (my bro, my best friend) have only ever been in same gender relationships since coming out and i don't know if i'm genuinely into men or if like being mlm is just how i understand trans (2/4)

identity bc of the people in my life. like on one hand i really want for a guy to be attracted to me as a guy and care for me, that sounds so pleasant and gender affirming. the thought makes me happy. but it's also v possible that bc i identified as a lesbian before this i'm just sort of biased against heterosexuals and i'm not mentally prepared for the transhet label. like maybe being a straight guy in a ""queer"" relationship is too confusing to me. idk. me and my gf are openly polyam (3/4)

so i don't know if this desire to pursue men is like genuine potentially bisexual attraction or just some last ditch effort for gender affirmation or to escape straightness. i know on one hand it's not really that important but it's just so hard to categorize these thoughts and feelings and i was curious if you (or maybe any followers) had any thoughts about that. thank you so much. really (4/4)

hi yeah!!! first of all congrats on the new Gender, i hope its giving you all the joy & peace u deserve! & im especially glad u have ur gf to support u thru all of this. from my experience at least the switch from lesbian to well, not that, felt particularly difficult & having the positive ppl in my life rly made a big difference

this ended up rly long so under a cut it goes

like u said before u can rly only answer these questions for urself BUT i can tell u what happened for me & what i rly asked myself! my attraction to women has like, pretty much never been in question. i realized i liked girls age 12 and since then the fluctuations have been based on whether men were involved also lol. during my strongest time identifying as a lesbian, i definitely still had some attraction to men - but it was typically in the context of unattainable men & fictional characters, which sounded like comphet to me so i just didnt worry about it. most men disgusted me & i didnt rly have any close male friends. the closest man in my life was a recent ex that i had difficult feelings surrounding so i preferred to just, ignore it lol. i felt especially disgusted by the idea of being with a man while i identified rly strongly as a woman - both b/c of a revulsion to str8ness lol and also just like. discomfort w the way men see women u know? not to mention i was nonbinary even as a woman, and i had faith that women i dated would see that - i didnt have that faith in potential men i’d date

the real Crisis thing for me was actually developing a crush on my then guy best friend / now boyfriend lol! i didnt understand how i could be feeling so strongly about him when i was supposedly a “lesbian”. i’d already been questioning my gender for a time and that just added more confusion for me & i did a lot of rly long & hard thinking about it, reflected on my own interests (previous partners/crushes, unattainable crushes, etc.), how my own gender played into it, etc. the conclusion i came to was: 1. my attraction to men (irl, attainable ones) is rly dependent on trust. the fact of the matter is ive just never been in that many close, trusting relationships with men so crushes rarely developed. but when they did it rly v obvious it was genuine so i believed it was true, and 2. i do think my gender has a lot to do with it! i feel a lot of the same gender euphoria ur talking about when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. idk if id call myself transmasc truly but that element of my identity is rly tied to my attraction to men. aand 2b. i think a lot of my stress surrounding relationships with men in the past (like i talked about with dating them as a woman) has been about dysphoria. i didnt feel like it was possible to be with a man before that wouldnt be dysphoria-inducing - but instead it gives me gender euphoria!! which rules!! 3. oh and also like. when it comes to unattainable men im into cis & trans men, but of ppl ive known/been into personally its p much always been trans guys. i felt a lot of guilt around that before, but i do think that just has to do with t4t feelings & that feeling of trust! so unpacking that as being ok also made a difference for me

i do get ur concern about avoiding straightness - i havent had that specific concern, but i do think i was rly moralistic about my attraction to men. like, i felt like being bi didnt fit with my feminist politics, you know? and im definitely bi, so that was bad for me. so i do wanna say: if youre not into men, thats okay!! being a trans guy who loves women is wonderful in its own way, and i dont want u to have to feel shame about that. that said, in my experience i think having Gayness at the core of your attraction makes perfect sense. if exploring your gender as a guy feels linked to being attracted to guys, ive felt the same and you wouldnt be alone in that!

do whatever feels good to you & explore however. but imo my advice is basically: if/when you pursue men romantically, i feel like you’ll Know if its genuine or not. if you’re wanting to be particularly cautious, i’d say like leave the dating field open for guys even if ur not Actively pursuing them, and if the right one comes along that you feel that attraction for him, then i think thatd be wonderful!

sry for the. incredibly long answer but TL;DR: only you’ll know for sure, but it sounds to me like a potential attraction to men is worth exploring for you! so be gentle & patient w urself but whatevr conclusion u come to will be good. and ALSO u can always change ur mind!!!! theres not a max amount of identities u can have, u can change and rethink whenever. best of luck to u!!!!

#Anonymous