#basically. last summer before college and last month of highschool were very very different to how they pictured | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

91percentpynch · 3 years

Text

jean moreau x pride months

happy pride month kids, here‘s some wholesome jerejean content for your soul!! does this make any sense? no. is it a mess? yes. hope you enjoy this!!

the first pride month

it‘s the beginning of june and jeremy starts acting weird

he smiles more, the real smile normally reserved for winning an exy game or when he‘s alone with jean

he started drawing flags on his face or on his eye lids, jeremy never wore make-up, not more than his usual eyeliner and nail polish

„what does that mean?“, jean asks, pointing at the flags on his cheeks.

„the pink, yellow, blue one means i‘m pan. you know, i like more than one gender, i told you that already. and the grey, purple, white and black one that looks like an arrow? that means i‘m demisexual, you know how i only feel sexual attraction to people i have a bond with? that‘s demisexual. those are pride flags, it‘s pride month. didn‘t you know that?“

of course jean didn‘t know, after all he was locked up in a bassement for 10 years and he didn‘t exactly talk the first time he came over here last year at the end of june.

„what‘s pride month?“, jean asked softly, knowing that jeremy would never judge him, never think he was stupid.

„it‘s a month for lgbtqa+ folks. that stands for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender, questioning, asexuals, aromantics and everything inbetween. we celebrate ourselves this month, show how proud we are of ourselves and our community. we celebrate marsh johnson, the black transgender, gay sex worker who started the riots, stonewell, and basically threw a brick at a police officer and started the fight for gay rights“

„how do you know you‘re not straight?“, jean asked quietly. thinking about the way his mind keeps wandering back to jeremy, keeps wandering back to the thought of kissing him, holding his hand, the feeling of his soft, badly dyed ginger hair between his fingers.

„well i always payed more attention to the personality, than the gender. i never really cared what‘s between the legs. and it took me quite a while to figure out that i only feel sexual attraction to people when i have a connection to them“

„have you ever kissed a guy?“, jean asked, curiously now. in the nest it was forbidden, but kevin wanted to try it once, in the dark of the night, the saftey of their room. jean couldn‘t tell if he enjoyed it or not, he never really felt any kind of attraction really. only bone deep fear. burning anger. and whatever the fuck his heart was doing when kevin held him close.

„yeah, i had a boyfriend throughout highschool, sophmore year until the end of summer of our senior year. and then freshman year of college i had this girlfriend who was really controlling and yeah. that‘s it. have you?“, his voice was soft, it reminded jean of the sunlight forming some kind of halo behind jeremy.

„kevin wanted to try it once. riko caught us. that‘s how it began“, jean replied, a shadow crossing over both his and jeremy‘s face. in a moment of weakness, at the beginning, jean told jeremy what they did to him in the nest, after jeremy accidentally touched him from behind.

„do you want to try it again?“, jeremy asked, a small smile on his lips. „with me, that is“, he added, barely audible.

„okay“, jean replied, leaning in.

jean was a couple inches taller than jeremy, and jeremy had to stand on his tiptoes to close the last few inches between them.

it was a soft kiss, a different than the stolen ones from kevin. better. these tasted like sunlight, like warmth, like home.

jean kissed jeremy back. carefully, softly, being scared he would break him, destroy him with his darkness.

„how was it?“, jeremy smiled at him after they were done, exchanging kisses, not stealing them. they were equals, no one would hurt him for wanting this

„i think i‘m only attracted to you“, jean admitted quietly. „but like not sexually. i don‘t like sex. never did. i never thought anyone was sexually attractive, i never wanted this and i still don‘t. i‘m sorry“

„you don‘t have to apologize, jean. that‘s being called asexual, the lack of sexual attraciton that is. and the not wanting sex part? sex repulsed. very valid. i will never be like them, i will never force you to do anyhting you‘re not comfortable with“

„and what if you miss having sex and want it and i can‘t give it to you?“, jean asked, tears burning behind his eyes. „i‘m not worth of your light, your warmth, your love as it is. i‘m broken, i‘m dark, i‘m everything you don‘t deserve. you deserve someone who is fixed and happy and can give you the entire world and go places without a panic attack and and and“

„ssh, jean. it‘s alright. it‘s alright. i want you. no one but you. i really, really like you and i am glad you like me to. you‘re not broken, you‘re not dark. you are wonderful. and no one is fixed, we‘re all a little broken in our own ways. i struggled with an eating disorder. i have adhd. sometimes i feel a little sad without any reason and can‘t get out of bed. sometimes i can‘t sleep and other days i could sleep for days. i don‘t need the entire world, i just need you“

it was this june, about a year after jean arrived in california, that he not only found a person who saw more in him than his scars, but a person who loved him not despite of them but for them

the second pride month

it‘s been a year since jean and jeremy kissed for the first time. a year full of highs and lows, fights and making up, miscommunication and cuddles, sweet kisses and ones tasting of tears. but it was also the year jean figured out that he might not be a boy after all.

„do you ever feel like you‘re not a entirely a boy?“, jean asked softly, threading his fingers through jeremy‘s soft blonde hair.

„dude, i‘m genderfluid, remember? alvarez bursted in our room and threw these in our face so people could refer to me with the right pronouns“

„that‘s why you changed your middle name to sol isn‘t it? because you like the sun and you like your hispanic heritage and it‘s a female name?“

„exactamente mi corazón“

„what are you today?“, jean asked softly, as he did every day.

„they/them, i don‘t feel like a guy or a girl today. just vibing“

„i- i think i‘m not entirely a boy either. like i know i was born as a boy and i‘m okay with that. but i feel like there‘s more to that. i can‘t put it in words but i think i want to try to go by he/ they. what do you call those people who don‘t quite find in the binary? i think i‘m that“

„that‘s nonbinary darling. i‘m proud of you. you‘re doing great“

jean didn‘t know how to repeat to that so he just decided to pull jeremy closer to him.

this pride month jean found a little part of himself, another puzzle piece to the mystery that his own person and it felt like a tiny little step towards a future he never dreamt he would have.

it was also the month he started wearing nail polish, because he loved the look on jeremy‘s face when they did them. occasionally he will wear some eyeliner.

the third pride month

another year passed, this year jean got himself a support dog. to help with the anxiety attacks. to help him heal.

it‘s a dalmatiner, called luna. she was trained to feel when he is uncomfortable and come closer to him, licking his hands, being close, being there

it is also the month he wanted to join jeremy for pride

„what are you today?“

„a girl i think. jeremy or sol are both fine“

„will you draw the flags on my face?“, he asked on the day of the parade.

„are you sure you want to go honey?“, sol asked softy, while she went to the bathroom to get her things.

„would i have asked if it wasn‘t moi amour?“, jean replied. „wait hold on, don‘t answer that“, he laughed looking at jeremy‘s face.

„but i‘m sure. first of all it makes you happy. second of all you missed it the last two years. third of all it will piss kevin off and i love that almost as much as i love. and lastly i have luna, she makes sure i‘m fine and i can always leave when i feel uncomfortable“

„okay, babe. what do you want me to do?“

„i want my flags on my face and maybe you can do my nails“, jean replied, smiling at jeremy as he did ever so often. „cover the tatoo, will you?“, he asked softly, touching the cursed three, counting the days for his cover up appointment in july.

„it‘s soon gone honey. it‘s gonna be alright“, jeremy whispered, feeling the tension in jean‘s shoulders.

„which color do you want your nails? mine are pastel rainbow look! alvarez got me those for my birthday last month! do you want matching nails?“

„whatever you want darling, you can choose“

„neat!“

this year jeremy‘s hair were a soft pink. it was 2 am when he bursted into the room whisper shouting „jean i‘m gay i must do something drastic to my hair. help me?“ and who was jean to question his beautiful date mate.

so jeremy took jean‘s face carefully in his hands, starting to draw jean‘s pride flags (demiromantic, asexual, nonbinary) on his face, hiding his tattoo underneath the black/ white/grey/ purple stripes of the asexual pride flag.

„they have no power over you anymore mi corazón. and if anyone gives you shit i will come for them“, jeremy whisperes against jean‘s lips before softly kissing them. „and now give me your beautiful hands so i can do your nails. i‘m feeling a pastel rainbow“

for the parade jean is wearing one of the shirts jeremy got him. it‘s yellow with a rainbow on it. „so you have a little brightness in your life“, he would tell him when he go it for him. it was before they started dating. it was before jean was able to tell him „but you are the brightest thing in the world and somehow you chose me as your person“, paired with light blue ripped jeans and his yellow fans. they started wearing yellow when they came to california, cutting off black completely, replacing it with colors and brightness.

jeremy on the other hand wore rainbow dungarees with a white shirt and white doc martens. his hair was up in two space buns, little pride flags put into them.

„do you think they get the hint?“, she smiled with a blinding smile.

„you‘re so unbelieveably beautiful sol“, jean replied.

they got luna and went to the parade.

it was scary, yes. but it was also beautiful.

people approaching them, asking for selfies, talking to him.

at first he was a bit anxious, but sol took their hand and luna licked his feet and it was alright. no one was hurting him. no one would punish him. he was surrounded by pride and love and happiness.

at some point he asked a girl with rainbow hair, she reminded him of renee, if she could take a picture of him and jeremy. she said yes, took one of them smiling, one of them kissing, and one of them where jeremy just smiled at his person.

it was the pride month he came out via social media. it was the pride month kevin called at two am, telling him how happy he was for them. that he himself found a boy, fell for him, but is too much a coward to do something about it. it‘s the year where he gets a lot of love, many fans telling him how proud they are of him and at least the same amount of hate. but it was alright. they had jeremy and that was all that truly mattered.

now

year after year they returned to the pride parade, with flags on their faces, or around their shoulders

sometimes neil and andrew or aaron and kevin would join them, sometimes they would go with laila and alvarez and sometimes jean and jeremy would go on their own

after college jean quit exy, jeremy went pro and gave his money to moriyamas, while jean opened his own tattoo studio, wrote songs, wrote crappy poetry and slightly better novels, tried himself as a part time model and fashion designer

they found happiness and home in each other and celebrated their love not only in pride but also every single day of the year

jean and jeremy got more dogs, an apartment of their own with big windows so they could watch the sunrise and sunset together

they have their ups and downs, like every other couple, but that doesn‘t matter. never did. what truly matters is that they keep finding back to each other. that they keep ending up in the same bed, in each others arms.

jean moreau never believed in love, never believed in soulmates and yet he found their soulmate, found the love of his life. and they are happy they stayed, kept fighting, to find this. to make a difference to the world. to be finally free. to be alive, living instead of only existing.

„jean?“, jermey says, fidgeting with his fingers.

„what is it moi soleil?“, jean relies getting lost in these ocean blue eyes.

„do you remember what happened five years ago?“, jeremy asks, his eyes looking anywhere but jean.

„we kissed for the first time?“, jean answers, panic slowly crawling through his veins.

„exactly so i thought we could celebrate this at the beach. you know, where our first date was?“, jeremy says nervously.

„honey are you alrighgt?“, jean is getting more and more worried, jeremy has never been that nervous.

„sure, come on mi corazón“

so jean slowly gets up and carefully puts on his shoes. something is weird here, something is wrong

jeremy seems off the entire ride to the beach they had their first date at.

when they arrive jean takes jeremy‘s hand, noticing that they are shaking ever so slightly. it is something like a nervous tick of them.

jean and jeremy arrive at the beach in time to watch the sun setting, making place for her lover the moon.

jean looks over to jeremy, when they suddenly get up and start pacing.

„jer, you‘re scaring me. please tell me what‘s going on up there“, jean says touching his head lightly.

„okay. i can do this“, jeremy mumbles as he gets down on his knee. „jean moreau, you are the love of my life. the light of my existence. ever since i saw you for the first time i knew i liked you, more than i was supposed to. i never dared to hope you would ever like me, or love me for that matter, but somehow you did. somehow you didn‘t turn away when i told you i‘m demi or pan or genderfluid. you stayed. you supported me. you love me. and i want to spend the rest of my life with you, so do me the favour and in the name of god, should they exist, do me the favour and marry me“

jean feels tears running his cheeks. „of course i will marry you, you loser“, he laughs, as he pulls jeremy down to him and connects their lips together. and it feels like their first kiss. it always does. and they would do that for the rest of their lives.

#all for the game #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king’s men #jeremy knox #jean moreau #jerejean #jeremy knox x jean moreau #ship: jerejean

39 notes · View notes

slashnatic · 4 years

Text

SOULMATE [Vincent Sinclair]

okay i have a few things to say about this. one: i’m mad because i’m typing this for like the 100th time because i can’t handle tumblr. i’m a dumbass. two: i’m not american and therefore don’t know too much about the american school system. three: i don’t know much about foster care either (it’s only briefly mentioned but still). now the story itself is kinda cliché and i’m sorry for the unoriginality. basically the story is a soulmate!au (everytime you pass your soulmate a line appears on your wrist, the lines only disappear once you’ve “connected” with your soulmate) and the reader and vincent are highschool students. i believe this is obvious in the story, but as i said i’m a dumbass and i don’t want to confuse y’all so yeah. anyways, that being said i hope this is not too bad :) enjoy

You took a deep breath before you entered the room. Normally you weren‘t bothered by your art classes, you actually liked them, but school was school and you‘d rather be at home than be here. On top of that you were insanely tired today, you hadn‘t slept all night. It wasn‘t such a rare occasion that you didn‘t sleep but the reason that you were up all night was something that you were thinking about more and more as of lately. Soulmates. A wonderful thing. You had never actually questioned the concept of soulmates, you hadn’t cared too much about it either, but recently the thought of your soulmate plagued you more and more. You just couldn‘t find them. Normally that wouldn‘t be too much of a problem, you were 17 years old, a senior in highschool. You were young, your life had yet to start. Who on earth found their soulmate at such a young age? Well, most people didn‘t, for sure. But you were different. You didn‘t know anymore when it had started, one or two years ago, you didn‘t remember exactly. But ever since then, just before midnight, almost everyday, a little mark appeared on your wrist. Back then you didn‘t care too much but now you started to worry. You were close to graduating highschool. You‘d move away soon, you had applied for college and had been accepted. But that also meant you‘d move away, which had become a problem after you first started questioning your soulmate a couple of months ago. Last summer break there had barely appeared a single mark, but once school had started again, so did the regular appearing of the little fine lines. Your soulmate was another student from your highschool. The realization kept you up many nights and the more you thought about it the more problems you discovered. It could be anyone out of a little less than a thousand students. (You were pretty sure it wasn‘t a teacher.) You didn‘t actually talk much to any of those students. No one you had talked to had that much marks on their wrist, at least you hadn‘t noticed anyone who did. Worst of all, you didn‘t actually like anyone you had talked to. Sure, there were a couple of kids who seemed to be alright, but no more than that. Nevertheless you didn‘t want to possibly spend the rest of your days alone, so you panicked a little more with everyday closer to your high school diploma. And with that thought in mind you entered the class room.

You huffed quietly when the teacher announced that you may now decide who you want to team up with for the second last art project of your time as a highschool student. Good. Very good. Absolutely wonderful. Having to work with someone together on an art project was one thing, having to pick the partner yourself another. Everyone had already jumped up, teaming up with their best friend as fast as possbile, while you sat there, lost, letting your eyes wander around the room. Everyone was loudly discussing anything but the art project with their friend, except for Vincent. You didn‘t want to work on this with Vincent. Not because you didn‘t like him or because that would fuck up the project for you, but rather because he was a loner. You liked loners, but kept your distance figuring that they, or at least Vincent, preferred loneliness. Ever since he had transferred to your school he had spent each and every one of the breaks alone. Of course the bullying hadn‘t gone unnoticed by you, but he had never seemed too bothered by it. You stared at the floor as you realized how stupid that was. No one is not bothered by bullying. And Vincent wore a mask everyday, so of course no one would notice if he showed any reaction if it wasn‘t physical. You took another minute to think about that and about the fact that Vincent was actually very talented, before you made your way over to him. You stood at his table for a few seconds then, hoping he‘d react and when he didn‘t you cleared your throat. Only then he looked up and you smiled shyly. “Uh, hi. I thought we could...uh, I thought we could work on this together...if you‘d like to?“ He stared at you blankly and your cheeks slowly started heating up. “I mean, you’re good. Uh, I mean with art...and stuff.“ Wow. That was awkward. You nervously scratched your arm and only stopped when he nodded slowly. This could‘ve been worse.

Three weeks later you walked out of that same classroom, trying to stop yourself from smiling. Since you had approached Vincent you had spent quite some time together and he seemed to be slowly warming up to you. He didn‘t look away anymore when you made eye contact, he gave you at least a nod when he saw you in the school building aside from the breaks you spent together once in a while and today you even joked around a bit! He didn‘t talk much, until today he had barely said a word, but when he talked he was quite sassy! You had to suppress a giggle, thinking about the remarks he had made about this and that. A month ago you wouldn‘t have thought he would be so much fun to be around. You sighed heavily, thinking about that. A month closer to your highschool diploma. A month further from your soulmate. With exiting the school building you shrugged your shoulders. You‘ll probably die alone, but when the time would come you‘d know you at least had a friend back in highschool.

“Look Vinny, it’s soo cute!” You and Vincent had decided to go on a walk, the weather had been too tempting. When you had spotted the animal shelter he couldn’t resist your puppy eyes (pun not intended) and now here you were. Both watching a sleeping puppy. Its fur was white and black and you figured it was a mongrel. And you were absolutely in love with the little furball. He chuckled at your adoration for the pup. His eyes lingered on your frame just a little longer than neccessary. Lately he felt sad or rather melancholy when he was around you. At times he even wished he had never befriended you because soon you’d leave and he no longer would be a part of your life, but therefore more lonely than he had ever been before. You felt his eyes on you and looked up at him to gave him a little smile. Strange. This had happened more and more recently, he’d just look at you. Even stranger was that you catched yourself doing the same and you didn’t know why. It happened in that moment and in many more moments that day.

At the end of the day you were sitting on a little hill, not far away from Vincent’s hometown Ambrose. The foster home he -rather forcibly-lived in was apparently not to far away from the small town. Now you enjoyed the soft breeze of spring air and the golden light of the sun, which would soon be setting. The two of you hadn‘t talked about it, but you knew you were trying to make some more good memories before you left for college. You lost yourself in a train of thoughts when suddenly the image of the two you kissing popped up in your head. What the hell? You looked awkwardly at the ground, ripping a bit of grass out of it, trying to distract yourself with something. It didn‘t work. Now the thought was there and it wouldn‘t leave. You took a deep breath before you spoke up. “Have you ever had a girlfriend, Vince?“ He looked at you surprised, before shaking his head, eyes fixated on the floor, now finding the grass very interesting too. “Were you ever in love?“ Your eyes were glued to him, waiting for a reaction. You knew him well enough to interpret any little gesture at least fairly correct. But there wasn‘t much of a reaction, he was thinking, debating how to answer until he decided on a simple shrug. You chuckled. “So...you haven‘t found your soulmate then?“ He brushed his hand through his hair before shaking his head again. You heard him mumble a quiet ‘unfortunately‘, muffled by his mask, as he looked down again. “Me neither.“ Now was the perfect moment to finally talk about what had been on your mind for so long, to finally get rid of that burden you carried with you for months, years even. Who else would you tell about your worries? “I...I have the marks you know? A lot of them. I see my soulmate almost everyday, but I still haven’t found them. I‘m...I‘m scared.“ When you looked up from the green surrounding you your eyes met his immediately. He was staring at you intensely, in a way you couldn‘t read. “Is this supposed to be a staring contest? Vincent, I-“ He pulled his sweater up and there they were. His marks. They looked just like yours. Of course, everyone had those lines, but he had just as much as you. You reached out for his wrist, caressing the fine imprints. Your breathing was uneven, your heartbeat was fast and your mind was empty. It was as if someone else took control of your body when you pushed his mask up, carelessly letting it fall to the ground, and softly pressed your lips to his. And it was as if someone else took control of his body when he let you. Your thoughts were racing, with his lips on yours and a burning sensation far from pain on your wrist. You parted only when the sensation had stopped, still not understanding what just happened, not knowing how you felt but passively registering that everything was alright now, that everything would be alright from now on. You shot a quick look at your wrist, the lines now gone. A smile formed on your lips as the realization set in. And then he leaned his forehead against yours, with his eyes closed.

You sat there for hours and only left when the sun had long disappeared and the moon and stars were your only light besides each other. Yes, everything was alright now. Everything would be alright from now on.

#vincent sinclair #vincent sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair imagine #house of wax #house of wax 2005 #house of wax imagine #slasher #slasher x reader #slasher imagine #slasher content #slasher community #soulmate

131 notes · View notes

thatslifesis · 5 years

Text

here goes nothing.

Hey everyone I am Dallis, yes like the city. I just turn 21 last month. Little background, I grew up in Swampscott, Massachusetts with my family of six. My childhood was great I had a family that loved me and I am so grateful. I have had anxiety since I was about 7 about throwing up just like my mother, but other than that I was a very happy little girl. When I got to middle school it all changed and I started to go through puberty. My face quickly became inflamed with acne and I began to have a lot of negative thoughts about myself and the way others saw me was all I could think about. I spiraled out of control and in eighth grade I landed myself in the hospital for a week. While there I was diagnosed with major depression. I hated who I was and was so unhappy that I honestly did not want to be alive anymore. I was in the hospital for a week then stayed home for a month doing all my homework at home. I went back and passed and graduated. I had great friends by my side going into the summer before freshman year. Until I got involved with a person I soon regret ever talking to or trusted. And that is a story for another day. Anyway by the time I step foot in my high school my reputation was destroyed over lies someone spread about me. I struggled a lot through high school emotionally because I was always on edge I felt as though I was trapped and everyone hated me or thought I was a slut or are they looking at my “pizzaface”, which was my nickname in middle school. My anxiety was crippling some days. I have a couple friends that I remember always being there and I’m so grateful to have met these special people. Unfortunately I also had some negative relationships as well. It’s not that they weren’t good people just that that weren’t good for me at that time. My friendships with these people only resulted in pain in the future. I was so excited when I got a job at a pizza place in Salem down the street from my house. I actually connected with some of my coworkers and that made me want to work as much as possible. End of sophomore year I ended up falling for the cook at work. He was a little older than me and I was very intimidated at first but he ended up helping me find my way. I am not always the easiest person to deal with and he handles me with ease. He showed me early on he was staying around after only being together for a year he stood by me when I ended up in the hospital again. It was mid way through junior year when I am diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I ended up not going back to school because they didn’t offer me any other option besides repeating a year which I could not do because the school itself is one of my biggest triggers. I dropped out after my 18th birthday. I left the school that day devastated and confused because this was not what I saw myself doing. After dropping out it seemed that no one from my school even noticed or even cared. I never heard from my “friends”, no one checked up on me and I basically became old news. Many of the friendships I tried to rekindle blew up massively in my face and I ended up hurt and insulted when I didn’t even know I did anything to begin with. I ended up moving to Lynn to live in an inlaw apartment under my boyfriends mom and two brothers. This was where my new adventure began and wow has it been a crazy ride. I never in a million years thought I would be a highschool dropout and I was very determined to graduate college. The only way to get into college is getting my GED. Shortly after dropping out I enrolled into a program through North Shore Community College to help me complete the tests to get my GED. It was a class a couple of times every week and at the end I wore a cap and gown and walked across a cafeteria floor and got my paper certificate of completion of my GED. I am very proud of this moment now but in the moment I saw it as less than because I would never graduate high school. Some of my friends from school were upset because I didn’t invite them and to be honest the only person I was thinking of on that day was myself and I was ashamed. I understand why they were upset and I’m sorry. Today I have a completely different feeling when I think back on that day, it makes me strong. My whole life I have struggled with my mental illness and it has impacted all of my life decisions in a huge ways. The “darkness” is what I call it and it seemed impossible to escape. I still feel trapped sometimes and I take a step back but I always come back from it. I am starting this blog to write about my life with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and trauma. I know I am not the only one out there who is struggling, and battling with themselves every second of everyday. I am not an expert but I do have some experience with crazy and maybe I can help someone or inspire others. Writing this blog has been scary and stressful but the hardest part of this whole thing is going to be pressing post. Sooo if you are reading this then know I am most likely second guessing everything and im freaking out but I’ll be okay and I have overcome a huge fear and let a bunch of strangers from the internet into my life…. Lol what’s the worst that could happen.

XOXO Dal

#mental health #life #happybirthday

1 note · View note

alter33 · 6 years

Text

About to bury some stuff

Maybe not the most apt name but I feel I need to put this somewhere, and... I dunno. This has been actively messing with me for longer than I can say, and I’ll just slap it under a cut because it is a long, drawn out mess. I am putting this across blogs because there are people on both sides I wanna reach, so, I’m sorry if this sounds attention grubby, just... yeah, read if you like. Hopefully this is something I can keep to myself, I’m nervous as Hell.

I’ve got some abandonment issues. You’d think at 19-years-old, fresh into adulthood, you’re immune to family drama, but you just handle it differently than you would have when you were 7. Mom up and decided “Well I’m done with this, gonna find another man” and the family fragmented faster than I could blink. Here I am at 30 and only in the last few years have I been really coming to terms with all the ways that this has messed me up. I shut myself down in many aspects, built a bubble around myself and developed stifling issues with self-confidence, many of which several people who know me can pick out like “Yeah I know what he’s saying”.

Counselors have helped me in the past with anger issues that stemmed from all this and I’ve grown a lot as a person, overcoming a lot of my boundaries from this mess and just trying to get my life together. I’m in college now, attending summer courses so I can get into Texas A&M by next Spring, hopefully. People swear up and down that I’m a good person, that I have a great work ethic, that I’m a good artist. Boy I wish I believed it as easily as they did, but it means a lot to me every time I hear it. I don’t just enjoy the compliments, I’m borderline addicted to the reinforcement I get from them.

Because at some point in my life right out of highschool everything was going fine and it still wasn’t good enough. I know in my head that it had nothing to do with me, but my heart took a blow it’s never quite recovered from. It’s kind of hard when the woman who spent a month and a half at your bedside at 7 years old when your appendix ruptured and the doctors couldn’t say whether you’d live or die for the first ten days after surgery just up and flips the family dynamic without so much as a “By the way”, and then spends the next several years doing everything but owning her part in it.

What’s my point, what’s my point... right. Basically, I’m tired of this being a repeated drama in my life. I have too many friends, some very near and dear to me, who I constantly wonder how they are my friends. Like, there are days I will sit there and at the slightest misstep I’ll become completely paranoid and terrified of the idea that I have screwed up irrevocably by being this eccentric, chatterbox dolt they suddenly don’t want to be around anymore. I know better, I’ve been through this song and dance more times than I can count and I still can’t get my fucking head around it. In fact, the closer I feel to someone, the more terrified I get, I’ve realized. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it?

So my next step is going to be getting in touch with a therapist. I need help. I can’t... function like this. At some point in my life, I want a family, but I constantly battle with the notion that I’m good enough. I’m afraid of losing friends who have done nothing but support me and never given me a realistic reason to believe that they’d leave me, just because one person did, who happened to be one of the people I adored the most before everything. I have grown in a lot of ways, but this one... I need to conquer this, somehow, because I’m trying to live my life, and this makes it really damned hard.

And to my friends reading this... thank you guys. Always, thank you. I know I can be obtuse, weird and downright enigmatic, I’m sure frustrating on different points, but I’m trying to keep it in my head all the times you guys have reassured me you’ve got my back. I wanted to draw something touching for this but I’ll be damned if I can think of anything and I’ve got nothing but that set of goggles to represent myself with, so the best I can say is thanks, and I’m still trying, and I’m gonna keep trying. Love you guys.

8 notes · View notes

brandoncarlo · 7 years

Note

hello! you're studying in canada right? as someone who's looking at colleges, how do u recommend going to college in canada when you're from america?

I would say climate is very important lmao like i’m in Toronto and Toronto Winters are as bad or even a little less worse than Boston Winters which i’m used to. but like I would probably die if i went to University of Regina or whatever. Also like, it’s really expensive to travel across the country? idk why it’s most expensive in canada than the US i think it’s because there’s like 2 airlines in canada versus the 10 billion in the US so like. if you want to move from one coast to the other be prepared for that??

I think the thing that hit me the most was like, the food was really similar so i didn’t even think to have my parents send me food until i realized a lot of the food i had relied on wasn’t there?? like the type of food was but the brands were all different and they all tasted real bad (or just different and u’m bad with change and i’m really picky). LIke i felt bad because a kid who lived in my dorm was from Nigeria and was like “the food is so different!” and i was like “yeah! wait no. that’s not even comparable” but i had really bad homesickness and i was like “I just want maruchan ramen why is this happening to me.” So i guess from that i’d take the idea that, just beacuse Canada is very similar to America and other people wil have a harder time adjusting, things are different and ive lived here for 3 years so it’s my normal now but it might be a lot weirder than you’re expecting it to be.

Tell your school!! you need!!! your final grades!!! i got waitlisted to my schools in canada because in the US you only need midterm grades but in canada i needed my final grades. so my highschool waited until July to send my final grades! like i was immediately taken off the watilist the day after because i was overqualified for the schools but it still stressed me out.

The most stressful part will probably be applying for a visa because you need to be accepted into a school before you can apply for it which means you have to basically choose a school before you know you can go. So for that I say if you get accepted and you want to go, do the application immediately, go to a CVS or a passport place and get the picture done there don’t try to do it on your own and submit ASAP. In my experience they say it’ll take a month or more but it won’t take that long at all.

I think the other thing is consider the more mundane stuff, like your phone plan? I have an international plan through TMobile and it works amazing in Canada but it’s shit back home cause it’s tmobile. And also opening a bank account. I use TD Bank because you can do cross border banking for no charge but my whole family has bank of america so if they want to transfer money to me they usually have fees. And also pay attention to the exchange rate like if it’s really good one day and maybe you were going to get a transfer for your parents for tuition soon maybe do it that day so you can actually spend less american dollars on canadian tuition. And like think about the landscape of where you’re going, I don’t drive and I go to school in Toronto which is a super easy city to get around. Like every street has a bus or a street car and while native torontonians will complaina bout the subway it’s actually really good.

Also for a canadian visa be prepared to be unable to work. with a student visa you basically have to like prove you’re there to learn not to work so you’re only allowed to work 20 hours a week during school. You can work full time during breaks like in the summer, but while taking classes you can’t. You also need to be full time student the whole time. So if you plan on supplementing income it may be really difficult to get a job. Like for me I haven’t been able to work consistently the hwole time i’ve been here which has left me pretty dependent on my parents and i’m really lucky that I have that, but my parents are paying for a place for me to live and food to eat I don’t have a lot of opportunity to do fun things. It’s not the end of the world and i’m far from complaining about it, but if that’s important to you consider that.

I just keep thinking of things omfg but make sure you understand the health plan you get through your school because in a country with universal healthcare that’s like, all you get. Like for me I’ve been experiencing chronic pain from a job I had last year but I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s caused by physical issues or sensory processing issues linked to my ADHD and getting treatment has been borderline impossible. I go to planned parenthood right now which is great, I love it there and i’ve been able to get HRT through them for just the price of the testosterone. So make sure you know what health care providers are in your area and who will accept you and what the healthcare you do receive from the university will give you.

like I don’t know i this was even what you were asking for but I know when i was applying to schools it was all about the application and the grades and the SAT scores and this was the stuff no one talked to me about but I wish they did??? so yeah. hopefully this is helpful.

#university stuff #Anonymous

9 notes · View notes

ashavant · 6 years

Text

The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

#university #college #university system #academic witch #academia #opression

1 note · View note

academicsapphic · 7 years

Text

92 Question Tag

Tagged by @annikki-studies thanks a bunch!

LAST:

Drink: always water

Phone call: the pharmacy

Text message: “everyone i know just leaves after sleeping together unless they’re like dating” - me to a GC

Song you listened to: Crushed Little Stars - Mitski

Time you cried: i don’t even remember which frightens me cause i normally cry every five seconds

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: i haven’t even dated someone once 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t even kissed someone once 8. Been cheated on: see #6 9. Lost someone special: i don’t feel like i have? 10. Been depressed: it’s my way of life 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: okay so i did drink a punch at my friend’s party and i didn’t get drunk but my body completely rejected it cause i drank half a cup really slowly with water, was completely lucid, and ten minutes later started vomiting. that’s enough liquor for me i shall stick with beer. and im still salty cause i was like i wanna see what its like to be tipsy i wanna let loose and have fun! and my body was like “how about no fun and only puke”. all that to say: yes and no??? DON’T DRINK LIQUOR MIXED WITH JUICE IT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN EITHER DO SHOTS OR DRINK BEER OR DRINK NOTHING

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: purple, certain blues, gray

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: omg so many. ive made shitty ones then i made my actual ones. all you do in college is make friends. 16. Fallen out of love: havent been in it. ive fallen out of infatuation though 17. Laughed until you cried: of course, all the time, my friends are ridiculous 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah that’s always a great feeling 19. Met someone who changed you: i’m sure lots of people i’ve met are responsible for who i am today 20. Found out who your friends are: yes, see #15 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: see #7 GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them why would i add strangers 23. Do you have any pets: a dog 24. Do you want to change your name: not really 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i think we went to dinner 26. What time did you wake up: like 6 something? not being at college means i have a normal sleep schedule and i hate it 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping i hate summer 28. Name something you can’t wait for: MOVE-IN MOVE-IN MOVE-IN I WANNA GO BACK TO UNI SO BAD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: about an hour or two ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: so many things i cant even list but also im very grateful for my life so like idk 31. What are you listening to right now: HIMYM 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ?? idk 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: summer, registration, sometimes my family 34. Most visited websites: Netflix, YouTube, Tumblr, Amazon, Vandy’s registration site, and MyFitnessPal

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: my arm, my neck, my chin 36. Mark/s: a lot, birthmarks, scars, places ive burned myself 37. Childhood dream: same one i have now, be a professional musician and performer 38. Hair color: dark almost black brown 39. Long or short hair: long, but recently my hair got cut and i actually really like it short too but for the long run, long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no life is boring and im giving my feelings a break from getting hurt 41. What do you like about yourself: sometimes my music is good and my eyes are a nice color but i hate everything about me lol 42. Piercings: basic ears 43. Blood type: no idea 44. Nickname: Bree 45. Relationship status: single, as i have been for my whole life, as i will be for my whole life 46. Zodiac: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Fringe/The Office 49. Tattoos: Nope, maybe someday, something small on my wrist or hand, but probably not cause my pain tolerance is -100 50. Right or left hand: left 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: ive gotten highlights a couple times 53. Sport: softball from childhood through high school 55. Vacation: going to myrtle beach next week 56. Pair of trainers: what are trainers? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: just made myself dinner (veggie burger with lettuce bun and 100-calorie fries) 58. Drinking: water, obv 59. I’m about to: eat some frozen grapes and do some cardio 61. Waiting for: School to start jesus i wanna go back so bad

62. Want: all my wildest dreams to come true 63. Get married: i like really really wanna spend my life with someone so hopefully that happens someday 64. Career: idk yet. maybe grad school, maybe law school, maybe my music career will take off and ill get to do my passion for a living WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i wouldnt know cause no kisses yet 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: for guys, taller, for girls i dont care cause theyre all so beautiful i shant dare have a preference for their anything 68. Older or younger: older but not by a lot 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i truly dont care i have neither so how could i judge 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i love crying and i wanna have a df who cries too 72. Hook up or relationship: not that i could get either, but relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker cause im so hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: yes it tastes so bad but i stuck through it to try to get drunk 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i literally lost my right contact at the beginning of senior year and spent the rest of highschool wearing just my left one. i’m a mess. i’ve never lost my glasses though *knock on wood* 77. Turned someone down: yes which is amazing 78. Sex on the first date: if im going on a date with someone ive probably already known them for a while since dating strangers terrifies me so sure maybe why not 79. Broken someone’s heart: doubt it 80. Had your heart broken: not truly? like ive never been in love but in an infatuation crush sense? literally all the time. i spent all second semester so heartbroken that i was in physical pain for months at a time over this guy i liked so much who had a girlfriend and was also really annoying so it wasnt even worth it. it took a therapy session to get out of it.

81. Been arrested: no my black ass would probably be killed first 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: I never fall for friends. that’s so weird to me. when i first meet you i’m either not attracted to you so you’re therefore just my friend, or i’m attracted to you and i can’t just like you as a friend so you’re a crush. but i’ve never been friends with someone i liked, i’ve only liked strangers and people i’ve never talked to cause im pathetic. i could never like one of my friends oh my god. when friends like me, i get so uncomfortable i can hardly look at them. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: honestly i have to cause its kind of hard to let down the only person on your team at all times 85. Miracles: kind of, i believe that everything happens for a reason and the universe/gods have a plan so if something miraculous happens it was meant to happen 86. Love at first sight: i believe in first really strong attraction that turns into love 87. Santa Claus: not anymore :’( 88. Kiss on the first date: definitely, even before the first date who cares OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: don’t really have a single best friend 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s probably

#mine

9 notes · View notes

meltedmagazine · 7 years

Photo

AN INTERVIEW WITH HOOPS

LISTENING TO HOOPS IS LIKE MELTING INTO A DAYDREAM. THIS BLOOMINGDALE BASED TRIO IS COMPOSED OF DREW AUSCHERMAN, KEAGAN BERESFORD, AND KEVIN KRAUTER. READ OUR CONVERSATION WITH BASSIST KEVIN FRESH FROM THEIR SUMMER TOUR. FROM BASEMENT TO STUDIO, LISTEN TO THEIR LATEST RELEASE ROUTINES.

________________________________________________________________

YOU RECENTLY WRAPPED UP YOUR FIRST US HEADLINE TOUR! HOW WAS THAT? It was awesome! It was really fun, way more stressful than I expected and way more people coming out to shows then we thought which was really cool!

HOW HAS BEING THE HEADLINING BAND BEEN DIFFERENT?

It's a little more pressure as far as getting places on time, you have to be in charge of setting up for the night and looking after the bands that we’re with, although the bands we’re with do fine on their own but you know. There’s kind of an older sibling feel to it, it’s really fun, having people to tour with. It makes everything a lot easier, a lot more laid back.

A GOOD BIT OF YOUR NEXT TOUR IS WITH THE DRUMS. CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT THAT?

I’m really excited about that! When we first started the band in highschool we were still pretty into them around that time and so it’s funny to be going on tour with them. They’re a great band.

ON BANDCAMP ONE OF YOUR TAGS IS SHOEGAZE, A GENRE SEEING QUITE THE RESURGENCE (OR MAYBE IT NEVER WENT OUT OF STYLE). WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NEW WAVE SHOEGAZE MOVEMENT AND HOW IS IT EVIDENT IN YOUR MUSIC?

Around the time we started we were playing a lot of shoegaze in other bands we were in, so ever since we were juniors and seniors in high school all of our friends were getting really into it and we all kind of got into it together. It’s something that I think a lot of people in our generation gathered around. It’s a really cool area of music to embrace and a lot of bands right now are embracing that which is cool. As far as our influence goes, it’s never been a goal to be a shoegaze band but I think it’s no matter how much we try to it’s been an influence here and there just because of how we like to play music, especially live with that spacey aspect of things. It can provide a lot of atmosphere that we’re really into. So I think it influences us pretty heavily, more so earlier on, now not as much but I think it’s still there for sure.

ORIGINALLY HOOPS WAS A SOLO PROJECT OF DREW’S. HOW DID IT TRANSITION INTO A WHOLE BAND?

Originally it was just Drew doing ambient music in 2011 and then he started writing music for a full band and then he asked me and our former drummer James to be in a band so it was just the 3 of us at first and we were playing basically just full band beach pop shoegazey kind of stuff. Iit was a pretty easy transition because it kind of turned into something totally different at that point when we joined in because I think Drew was kind of done doing his ambient music thing, he still made some on his own after that but I think he wanted it to be a full band thing.

WHEN YOU GUYS FIRST GOT TOGETHER AND RELEASED TAPE 2, WHAT WAS THE INITIAL REACTION TO YOUR MUSIC?

When we first started we were in high school and then we took a break for a year and went to college, but the year after we came together and started making stuff and that’s when Drew made Tape 1, which is all the solo demo’s he made on his own. Tape 2 was some of my stuff and his and then we were just putting them online and it was just to have stuff out there because at that point we weren’t touring at all, we were just playing around Indiana and Michigan. So it was just putting it out for us and our friends and it got some attention here and there from other people. It wasn’t until a few months after we started the third tape that we got hit up by Fat Possum and started that whole process.

HOW HAS YOUR RECORDING PROCESS CHANGED NOW THAT YOU ARE SIGNED WITH FAT POSSUM?

We put out an EP with Fat Possum last August and that was a pretty similar process to doing the tapes cause we pretty much did it all by ourselves, besides the fact that we had a label keeping tabs on it and giving us pointers. Even with the album we went to a studio for a little bit but then did most of it on our own. We were working on it by ourselves for a while and then we’d send a batch of songs to the label to give us pointers and we’d work on whatever they were talking about. That was definitely different and it got stressful at times cause we weren't used to being told what to do, not that they were super overbearing or anything but it got a little frustrating. Ultimately we’re all grateful for it because we’d never had that sort of constructive criticism of what we were making before. It was definitely something to get used to but it was nice to have for sure.

SO YOU DID SOME OF IT IN THE STUDIO AND SOME IN THE BASEMENT? WHAT MADE YOU CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO DO IT AT HOME?

Originally the label suggested going to the studio and then send it to someone else to mix it. But we got to the studio and it was just a little more difficult then we expected because there's so much at our disposal that we didn’t know where to start. We usually have a mode of working when we’re by ourselves at home where we could get stuff done very quickly but also take our time with a lot of things. When we were in the studio we had a time and a schedule we had to rush things a little bit, coupled with the fact that we didn’t really have any experience in a studio made it difficult for sure. When we left the studio the label decided that they wanted us to just do the rest on our own because they really liked how the EP turned out so they changed their mind a little bit so we could finish things on our own which I think is a good decision. We were able to add our own personal sort of touch to everything and work the way we were used to. After being in the studio and being in an unfamiliar environment it was nice to be able to come home and focus on it like we’re used to.

IN YOUR OWN WORDS, WHAT IS ROUTINES?

There wasn’t really a huge unifying theme behind the songs, a lot of the songs were thrown together and some are really old, the first track is almost three years old. All of the songs came from all over the place because there wasn’t really a set time where we sat down and wrote the album, we just picked the song from our collection of stuff that we had laying around. At the same time it's pretty exemplary of what we were sounding like and what we were doing at the time. Routines is a pretty good summary of our catalog prior to release. I think with our next album we're going to try to be a little more unified and consistent with how we’re writing and recording. With Routines a lot of it was sort of on accident - us just rolling with different things, changes of plans in the studio, just figuring everything as we’re going. We had to finish it and deal with it which is not a bad thing, but it’s kind of a thrown together mishmash.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON CASSETTE TAPES?

When we were making the tapes before we were signed it was a really easy + cheap way to get music out on a physical platform. Having a physical form of music is fun - people seem to really like having something to hold and look at rather than downloading an album. It’s just fun and easy and it makes the whole band experience a little more fun.

WHAT IS THE MUSIC SCENE LIKE IN INDIANA? It’s all over the place. Some of my favorite stuff has come out of Indiana + it’s an untapped source of a lot of stuff. Northwest Indiana had a really huge punk scene for a long time, Bloomington had a huge punk scene... As far as indie music is concerned, Bloomington has been a huge place for that, especially being like the big college town. You need to find your niche wherever you are because there isn’t a huge overarching scene anywhere, most of which would be in Bloomington or Indianapolis. It’s sprawled out in Indiana. It’ not like New York or Chicago or any big city or big scene. There's a huge DIY mentality and any shows that happened when we were in highschool were put on in our parents basement. And then at the same time there was like an all ages sort of scene in Indianapolis that was really small but really open and inclusive. There's lot of really good stuff that flies under the radar since it’s not a big city.

HOW HAS BEING IMMERSED IN THAT SCENE INFLUENCED YOU AS A BAND?

It’s definitely encouraged us to branch out and be as creative as we want to be cause you can do whatever you want since there isn't a huge market or crowd to appeal to. From the start we’ve been putting our music online, same as any other band in Indiana, so your audience is people all over the place on the internet, it’s not like you’re overly concerned with catering to a local geographic audience other than playing shows. As far as a local scene, when we were playing a lot of shows in Bloomington,you’re just playing house shows to college kids and that whole scene is really easy to find people that are into what you’re doing. There’s a lot of freedom to just experiment cause it’s not a super formal thing. I like being a band in Indiana. Went to California on this last tour and it was very weird being a headliner band in a big city. We played in New York at our sold out show at Baby’s All Right, which is really awesome but at the same time it was kind of weird, cause we’re from fricking corn town USA, it’s very rural affluent suburb it’s conservative bullshit. It’s not a big cultural hub like New York but it’s like ‘we’re here we’re doing our stuff’ so it’s just kind of funny to come from such a different place but be able to relate to people in big cities that are so different.

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON THE ROLE OF MUSIC VIDEOS IN THE CONSUMPTION OF MODERN MEDIA?

I’ve always loved music videos. I used to watch the MTV music video and VH1 vdieo hour like all the time. When we started making videos for Hoops you realize how much work goes into that process it’s not just like ‘alright we have a cool idea let's make it happen.’ There's a lot of variables that go into it but at the end of the day it’s definitely fun to see your music contextualized in a video format or in a narrative. It’s cool cause it’s a totally different medium to express your music or ideas through and it's just fun. In every music video we’re definitely had a good amount of artistic freedom with what we want to do.

IS THERE ONE IN PARTICULAR YOU REALLY LOVE?

We had a lot of fun doing the “On Top” video with a guy from Indianapolis, Jake Huber, who's now a good finds of ours. He reached out to us and said ‘hey I’m a videographer in Indianapolis, I really like your music, I’d be really down to help you guys make a video for like no money at all.’ He was just super stoked to make it and had this goofy idea for the video that we were immediately totally down with so we just started bouncing ideas back and forth of how we wanted everything to work out. We went to the Fort Wayne Indiana public library and rented out this little public access TV studio. Originally we wanted to do it at this weird church in Popilius which had this TV stage and it looked like a 90’s family sitcom living room and we were really excited to use it but Jake was talking to the church and it came down to them being like ‘I don’t think the band represents Christian values’ or something. But the public access stage in Fort Wayne ended up being a really a great place to shoot.

WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING A MUSICIAN IN THE 21ST CENTURY? Weird because there's so much content available on social media and stuff you can do so much and you can be putting stuff out whether it's music or pictures or information about what you’re doing. You can be so present but you can also withhold a lot of what you’re doing. I don’t know I think with all the social media stuff it’s a whole medium in of itself with how you communicate and present yourself as a public entity and as a band I think there are ways that we’re trying to figure out how to creatively go about presenting ourselves on social media. For a while it was something that we didn’t want to fuck with at all but our label wanted us to get a twitter and instagram and facebook and we were like ‘fuck that! We just want a blogspot or some shit’ You know we don’t want to worry about any of that. But then we ended up getting all of those and it’s been fun getting to make an image for yourself and getting to curate what you share it’s almost our own medium communication. .

LISTEN TO HOOPS HERE

INTERVIEW by SAMANTHA SULLIVAN

#MELTED #MELTED MAGAZINE #HOOPS #HOOPS BAND #MUSIC #INTERVIEW #BLOOMINGTON #INDIANA

4 notes · View notes

newhologram · 7 years

Text

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think.

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis 1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse.

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go. Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own. Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment.

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit.

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite. Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers. On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games. Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor. Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed. 1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings.

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry. Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops.

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler.

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated.

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little.

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing.

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day.

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week.

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

#atlas subluxation #chronic illness #invisible illnesses #disability #personal #teku #new's medical timeline

18 notes · View notes

dangerouscrusadefire-blog · 6 years

Text

Columbus Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43234

"Columbus Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43234

Columbus Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43234

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr