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onestowatch · 3 years

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Clubhouse Is Making Their Way Through Life, Curveballs and All [Q&A]

Photo: Dillon Matthew

Feel-good indie-pop outfit Clubhouse continue to entrance listeners with their happy-go-lucky arrangements and introspective lyrics with their latest single, “No Way.” Following the success of their previous release, “Flipside,” the track, which frontman Max Reichert expressed was about a toxic relationship, is yet another example of the band's ability to sonically and visually create emotional and provocative storytelling that makes listeners want to dance.

The band is comprised of five best friends forged from a middle school garage band in Columbus, Ohio, made up of Max Reichert, twin brothers Ari and Zak Blumer, and Michael Berthold and Forrest Taylor, who they met in college. The five-piece have gone through the ups and downs of life together, especially while their frontman dealt with cancer. Now, with an EP and a national tour on the way, the band is eager to tell their story with the hope that they'll be able to help someone else who is dealing with a similar bump in the road.

We had the chance to talk with the band about "No Way," their upcoming tour, and the curveballs of life.

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Ones to Watch: Can you walk me through the creative process behind "No Way?”

Max: We wrote it with this producer named Cooper, and this songwriter/pop star named Claire, who goes by spill tab. We wrote it with them at their house. It was our first session writing with them, our first time meeting them, and we wrote pretty much the whole song with them in a few hours. So it just came together really, really quickly. In terms of juxtaposing the lyrical content, which talks about a toxic relationship and how two people just don't fit for each other, I think we just love juxtaposing more profound lyrics or lyrics that are not necessarily crazy deep but aren't about having a good time with dancy beats. I think it kind of goes along with our mantra for what this EP is about.

Zak: Which is about not taking ourselves too seriously.

Max: Yeah, like rolling with the punches and going through hard things in life but not getting too bogged down on matters and still being able to have fun even when you're going through hard things. I think that's kind of a common theme throughout the EP. We talk about heavy things but try not to put too much weight on them.

How has your songwriting process evolved?

Max: I think it's certainly changed. I went through cancer a few years ago in 2018. I had bone cancer in my left leg, which was honestly a turning point for us as a band. We took a step back when I was going through all that, and we refined our craft from a songwriting standpoint and just our general outlook. We've always taken music really seriously, but when we went into writing, I think we took the pressure off ourselves. I think we used to be like, “okay, this next song has to sound like this and has to sound like our favorite band, and we have to be like the next biggest band ever.” I think for years, we did that, and it would confine us in this box. As soon as we just went to the session and were like, “Hey, let's just enjoy each other's company and let's just have fun together and be friends and write music that feels good to us and not think anything more about it,” I think that was when we had this significant turning point. The songs started sounding better, and the storytelling got better because it was just more honest. We weren't trying to emulate. We were just writing from our gut.

What are some of your inspirations on a larger scale outside of music?

Zak: I think one we can sort of all agree on is, we all sort of shared partially in Max's struggle while he went through this crazy shit. People our age, or at least us, and we think our friends as well, have been going through a quarter-life crisis. So you start to ask yourself, “Am I achieving my goals? What are my goals? Am I getting there fast enough?” So skipping ahead to the title of our EP, these are questions we have and still always ask ourselves. But through partially having gone through what Max went through and being there alongside him, I feel we can now see the question as what it is and accept that we may not always know the answer, but we can try to remind ourselves to enjoy every day. I think many people relate to that over the past couple of years, and I think the meaning of life has shifted for a lot of people and we just kind of wanted to share our two cents.

The music video for this single is overall lowkey and seemed super fun to shoot. How did you come up with this concept and execute it? Did y'all originally have other ideas?

Zak: We had tossed around a couple of other ideas. Some were more narrative-driven and focused more on the actual lyrical content. We could have taken it more of an expected route, like maybe following an argument between two people and becoming more intense that way. But we were thinking about this sort of single frame, elevator-style, elevator shot video kind of thing where the frame doesn't really change much, but everything inside of it's changing all the time. So we were pulling references from the opening credit scene of That ‘70s Show where they're all singing in the car and the Wayne's World scene where they're singing “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and the guy in the middle is hammered drunk. Once we kind of were thinking along those lines, it came together really fast. I think we shot everything for this video in like one afternoon evening.

That's super-efficient.

Zak: I mean the team that we had, our manager Cole together with Justin [Kaminuma], the director, and Carlos [Ramos], the DP. Those guys killed it. Kind of like creating the song; once we got that idea, there wasn't much like back and forth. It was kind of like, “Okay, what if we just kind of have a good time with this track?” The track is fun and energetic, so we thought to just give them that in the video. So we just goofed off and had a good time and jammed, and I think it turned out pretty well.

Max: Yeah, and it kind of matches with the lyrical content because, as I said before, the song is really about a toxic, chaotic relationship, and I think in chaotic relationships, there's good and bad. There's craziness, and there are good times, so I think we kind of wanted to lay that out and in front of the video where there are shots where we're all just like sitting around, and there are shots of us going crazy in the car having fun. So I think we wanted to match those moods together with the visuals.

Michael: From start to finish, everything happened so easily and quickly. After the first writing session, I remember we played the track in the car, and we were bumping it, and it was pretty much like the video. We were all just like damn.

Max: I think we actually drove that car to the session too. I remember after the session, all five of us drove back in that car, and we were all like bumping the demo. It was hard. It's my dad's car. He got it back in 2008, but he had it in Ohio forever. The thing is, in Ohio, with how the seasons are, you can't really drive that car that much because it just won't run in the winter. So when I moved out here, it had just been sitting in his garage forever, so eventually, he said I should take it out there.

Michael: I just want one thing to be known about the whole video. All of that hype and headbanging and everything is the most authentic thing in the world because we were doing it for so long. At one point, we had been just head bopping for like two hours straight we had to sit back.

Forrest: Yeah, it was as much fun to do it as it looks. We were having a blast.

What makes for an excellent creative collaborator when it comes to crossing over mediums?

Zak: One of the biggest things I noticed was that there was a moment when the plans we originally made weren't working out. So a lot of us were just not really seeing them and just trying to keep pushing forward and try to make it work. So one night, basically, Cole, our manager, Justin, and Carlos, the three of them had a meeting, and they were like, “Look, we got to make a hard pivot, and we need you guys to trust us right now.” So we were just like, alright, you know you guys are the bosses here. We trust you. Let's make this work, and it ended up turning out beautifully, so I think one of the one things that we really, or I really admired from this team, was how quickly they were just able to just shift.

Yeah, you for sure got to have that trust there.

Zak: I'll add one thing to that, which is that both Justin and Carlos are really young guys in the scene, and part of that is—we also view ourselves as up-and-coming, young people in the scene, and we kind of want to bring in people that sort of are not necessarily—I mean obviously sometimes when you work with like more established people, it comes with an ego, but it's not so much that we wanted to avoid that as much as it was to bring in the eagerness and the excitement. I mean, they were so stoked as soon as they landed to just get working on things and to start brainstorming ideas and that kind of energy we just feed off of. So for “No Way,” it was literally all of us just feeding off of each other's energy. I remember in the scene where we were in the car, parked, Carlos and Justin were outside filming and just jumping up and down with us. So, yeah, they were as excited as we were. It was fun.

So now walk me through the day you found out that you were going on tour with The Wombats? How are you feeling about the upcoming tour?

Max: It felt very surreal. We've been fans of them for so long. I grew up listening to them and still listen to them. I guess it was just this crazy full-circle moment of, I don't know, I think I might have teared up. Growing up and being such a massive fan of them and wanting to do music, not really knowing how to play an instrument in high school, learning how to play an instrument in high school, going through college, into the cancer thing, and then to come out on the other side of it and to get to tour with a band that I'm a genuine giant fan of. I mean, it's just like a real-life childhood dream coming true. So it's like, it's... I don't know. I can't really describe it other than that. Our dream realization moment, and we're so excited.

Zak: Yeah, we're grateful to them for giving us the opportunity, and we're gonna work our asses off to make it the best shows we've ever played.

Be sure to catch Clubhouse on tour with The Wombats, starting January 2022.

#clubhouse #no way!#no way #the wombats #interview #pop #indie pop

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cipzi-shop · 3 years

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charactersand we will start with the fact that by the end of the show the Indy outlined a lot of plot points without giving much thought as to how characters might be motivated to reach those plot points to a huge chunk of season eight is spent on dialogue rationalizing plot points that don’t really make sense the student be half as many as a beautiful green snow should do nothing today lifted the moment the case fell the battle was over to a friend that just burned 54 in the county know they don’t make sense of they have to spend a lot of time rationalizing them is on memory keep all the stories in order for the plot to progress as outlined everyone especially characters in earlier seasons were defined by the cunningand intelligent decayand a total dummy woman is my season eight this was you might say foreshadowed in season seven by little fingers downfall which only works of every character involved in the subplot took a bunch of stupid pills that you little finger doesn’t like that Ari is back so he tries to pit the two sisters against each otherand play some surviving for some reason despite knowing what an untrustworthy ass hat he is that I now switcheroo stand accused of metadata stand accused of treason how do you want charges Bayless hello everyone knocks down many an intelligence unit watches this worthless subplot bleed out on the floor because the character of little finger is redundant nowand we don’t know what to do with him so goodbye to it takes Ariand sunset entire season to realize they’re being played over nothing basically but here in season seven everyone cut a case in addendum’s which only worsens in season eight forgot about beerand sleep in the idea that the sisters were on the little fingerand were just playing along the whole time is good head cannon in theory by well here’s a quote from Isaac instead writing plays brand actually seen that clearly got cut a short scene with salsa where she knocks on brands doorand says I need your help or something along those lines so basically as far as I know the story was that it suddenly occurred to something that she had a huge CCTV department at her discretionand it might be a good idea to check with him first before she gets her own sister so he just ranand ran tells her everything she’s known she’s like oh no sounds you have been done duty after the should show that was season five sums onto stand there happy that at least one of the women got to be in charge without having to be put down Michael Geller that if we made for a moment be honest with ourselves her entire character has been one massive train wreck ever since season fiveand little fingers like hey Mary the son of the guy who murdered your entire familyand she’s like all okay this is the fast track to Raytown escapeand in season seven she completes her evolutionand the lady finger stripped of all Pecos because to be in the female empowerment shedding your humanity until you are a stone cold badass but you know the kind you only does some hideously inhumane executions to be clear I am not on the sponsor he trained I just think they popped a squad over her character just like they did everyone else my season eight everyone’s gushing over how smart something is she’s evolved into her final form unlike in earlier seasons where her intelligence would come out for these moments of her being more quick thinking that people expected and it would be bad the amount of ore by her playingand her enemies arrogance so you’ll be outside the gates the bank doesn’t discuss plans for super goes through grace to write to close reading about God’s they see my brother will you pretend she now gets these girl badass moments that built not on the lesson she learned includes landing is set on high sciences earlier defining attributes was her compassion that she cared about people despite the pain she was in the books she never loses essence of compassion but get smarter about figuring out who is worthy of itand who is playing her for their own advantage here in the show that warmth is totally extinguished compassionand appeals to goodness her friends not as a strength but as immature weakness that she needs to outgrow sheep little guy was she dreams you never learn new empowerment sunset doesn’t act like someone who would take pity on a drunk night in Joffrey’s wrath or someone who would have any ounce of empathy for someone like the house like she didn’t seem to something the Crips doesn’t bother trying to call me other womenand children what she did during the siege of King’s Landing in season two new empowerment song to spend the whole battle trash talking to NARA’s between final Dragon Queen who unlike salsa is out there risking her life out the tool will be dead season it keeps telling us what something is she thought that she smart that she shrewd but nothing in her actions support that earlier something would know to keep her mouth shut about someone she was suspicious of me while new empowerment sunset won’t shut up about how much she doesn’t like to NARA’s Y during some of the entire Kings landing storyline keeps herself alive by feigning loyalty to Joffreyand Circe with you paying for the cost have mercy on us all to me even if she did plan on undermining to NARA’s I guess the Indy kind of forgot that one of salsa’s most important lessons is when to feign respect to Delhi what dragons eat anyway whatever they want something evolution mirrors the Starks as a whole the compassionand ability to define the Starks is one of their biggest asset in the end they’re no better than the Lancers’s trust you will don’t know you know she’s not one of us change their house motto from winter is coming to you got mine because that’s female empowerment of the show runners I’m glad I got raped actually Mr the hound it made me a cool girl badass finger stayed in the so something is a northern separatist now for some reason even though now is not the time they remember what happened lost dragons both yet nothing nothing happened when a on the Conger invaded the North Bend the knee immediatelyand join the seven kingdoms without a fightand nobody died the countryside was not burning aided the time was called the King who knelt for a reason I guess someone kinda forgot they remember what happened lost dragons both sworn I read the lowest king in the north was tarring stock human needs my ancestor egg until Gary there are cases to be made for an independent North doing well in the past this whole situation in winter felt we have written for season eight data actually makes pretty good case for United seven kingdoms will you sure dead howling to feed the great the good thing we got to reach a part of the seven kingdoms which also happens to support the nurses claim it wasn’t even that they had it on lot before the NARA showed up with all these mouths to feed this time he wouldn’t have enough food special enough the armies of the North back to defend with how are we going to feed our own people was a problem at the beginning of the season is set upand promptly ignored what dragons eat anyway you know what salsa it doesn’t matter don’t worry your empowered little head about itand join us dragonsand supplies from other regions now that it’s winterand you all have a common enemy you seem determined to dislike like they did yesterdayand will get to the nearest but what they did the sauces depressing sauces only purpose the season is to have an unfounded suspicion of the nearest which only proves to be found in when the nurse does something completely nonsensical otherwise the nurse has essentially given all of her resources to defend winter felt east on the promise of the guy in chargeand salsa still like now I don’t like the cut of her gym Y by the end of the stupid dumb battle of winter felt the nurses prove yourself worthy of being a queen about as well as one can expect in this universe is forging alliances doing battle keeping her promises to her followersand to her allie The stink eye over to NARA’s makes no sense she never even lived to the target area is hurting her family the operative word Matt King burned her grandfatherand uncle to death but she sure did Circe you know their common enemy whose family wiped her own out sauces mistrust of the nurse only makes sense if you’re writing from the end forward telling us she is smartand her intelligence is really just writer clairvoyance giving salsa suspicions without giving her any reason to have them other than the writers know how the show will landand they want something to look smart Dragon Queen does not have to do them or maybe I do know sauces jealous because the nurse is pretty surely they would never come I anyway within the fan favorite recall that my seasoning held late season five is nothing to doand no reason to be here that people like him so here he is planning a different ending for bronze plate when I had some character development seven during the Lutra attack Ron loses his goal in a very symbolic moment even leaves it to risk his life in a big way to save Jamie with no mercenary reason for doing so is this a sign of character development is Braun changing his ways knowand guess who gets the worst subplot of all time you do you do you boys are of goldplated so Circe asked Bron to go murder her brothers as you do she do the trees Bron fast travels to winter felland holds the Met arrow pointand tells them he thinks their side will win because dragons so he blackmails Jamieand Terryand into giving him our God will hike better than okay so for those of you playing the home game high garden is the capital of the reach of the now extinct house Tyrelland the breadbasket of the seven kingdoms the most populous yes there are probably still many Tyrell’s next in line to claim the reach to say nothing of the other great houses in the reach with a much better claim to theand install certain no name is Lord of high garden because of black male under a queen that was only clean for five minutesand yeah that’s going to go over well with all these other lesser houses in the reach high God but okay we do not see Bron again into the finale where not only is now the master of coin money before the rules but hearing is apparently made good on that whole promise made it gunpoint thing so Braun will go to Fargo paramount reach of most of you should have written offand that good night liked Ariana Harris but okay here he is still cooland in a season has turned pretty much all the charactersand the stupid dumb dumb Zakaria situation for shit because the plot needs them to be open there is one character who tactical nosedive probably hurts the most one character was arguably done dirtier than the nearest season it’s Lord Ferris the best there is the master of whispers becomes the master of loud treasonous conversations great creek like Ron Taveras is a fan favorite but the show runners clearly had no idea what to do it after season for because his character starts wildly deviating from his passion but like to stuff you should select to pick up your shit out of I guess in his case they’d figure right around this laterand they did so by making the smartest guy in the realm of total dumb dumb there is in the books wants to instill a guy on the throne who may or may notand probably is not be the lost son of Ray Gardner egg on target areaand the next in line to the throne if we have a target area restoration fans call him saying on the show we don’t have they gone but there is need something to do so at the beginning of season five interiorand cross the narrow sea with the express intent to support the nurse now even though there is totally try to have her assassinated in season 1 last night it asked how to I do would have to be done apparently she’s willing to move past that is when the training of the Eno in a world where executions are routine this seems like kind of a reasonable threat he has tried to have her assassinated beforeand here we are one season later again with poisoning dragons but then in season eight he will she make a sad face at dinner meeting you’re not really getting to me runners I guess she does ignore his shitty advice which has no consistently been shitty ever since they got to West Roseand is in this case as it turns out wrong from a tactical perspective they do in the battle easilyand with minimal casualtiesand know they did next need to restand no food was never an issueand resources were never an issue so why bother having this conversation but there is finds out that John Snow is the actual egg on target areaand was he has the better claim to the throne does what he wantsand you know what is the season for some trees in the well I will dedicate myself to seeing you behind because I want to dragons in the best rationality can come up with Rivera’s wanting to support John over to NARA’s is the philosophy that the best person to rule is the person who specifically doesn’t want to rule if you consider the best to be someone who doesn’t want Robert was neither not local recently have no interest in being well meaning as John keeps failing upward so that tracks mentioned nominally being for the good of the realmand then immediately reversing your state the moment you see a young guy whose neighborhood County love him be like wow yeah that some leadership material right there is a map which makes them more appealing to the rules of Western the problem is only makes sense if you are the audienceand you seen John Snow’s temperament for the last eight seasons there is on the other hand has not there is no reason to like or trust John Snow other than he likedand trusted Ned gas who wasn’t actually his father anyway there’s only just met John Snowand in universe has no reason to think that he’s a better more tempered choice than to NARA’s unless he knows what the audience we the audience know about John Snow but from the outside looking in the narratives all over the place John Snow’s only been in charge of the North for like a weekand it’s kind of been a shit show came back sure what for the first three episodes of season she’s a war hero dragons that sacrifice half for troopsand one of those dragons to save humanity the only thing she doesn’t upset for that mildly questionable is the patient about wanting to takings landing except she’s not wrong about anything mentally have left exhausted the fight better if you have time to restand recuperate well clearly they don’t I promised you I would look you in the yardand speak directly if I ever thought you were making a mistake well maybe your advice shouldn’t have been so uniformly badand maybe he was mad that she went against his advice but that particular advice again ended up being wrong King landing was stupid easy to take because battles are easy now because we need to wrap this shit up the city last time it was attacked by note better than anyone it will for tomorrow’s based on what those dragons have the fortitude of hummingbirds up until now it seemed pretty evenly matched you know whatever Solaris who has sacrificed all the rally much power to the nearest immediately switches sides the second he discovers that there’s a poutyand decisive male alternative with great hair but the nearest has at this point done nothing to make Barris logically want to switch sides one time she went against her advisers advised before this was to save John Snow you know that guy that there is wants to betray to NARA’s forand so he starts telling everyone who John Snow is doing so makes more or less the exact same mistake that led start date in season one only way stupider this is way more recklessand way less motivated than what Ned did in season one John abdicated that other thing you can do I don’t want to never tell John Snow knew a guy who did abdicate until your mama screw this of John Snow Jones there’s a scene in the second episode of game of thrones season one in which John Snow asks Ned Stark met his motherand then responds with this stream burden motion to’s this is eventually going to come to something emotionally charged an important so are you even start with this long section from the moment in many ways John Snow is emblematic of everything wrong with the way the series handled its resolution a big emotional profound set up with the flaccid confusingand meaningless pay off from a plot perspective most of the major letdowns from all of the moment to set up are pretty much tied in the John Snow the Whitewater plot of which John was the key point of view character are plus L equals J the mystery of John’s parentage which kind of indirectly kicked off the plot of the whole show John Snow being brought back from the dead by the Lord of lightand of course John’s love for to NARA’s culminating with her murder done in an uncharacteristically dishonorable way after Johnson is resurrected they keep making this big deal about how he must’ve been brought back for a reason to you wants realize why I don’t know what indeed was the point well considering the call you did during the long night I’m guessing the Lord brought you back so you can blue ball to NARA making her go crazyand ultimately instill brand the broken on the throne good job Lord of late like her plot was this existential threatand been built up for eight seasons predicated on a historical long night that lasted an actual generationand nearly wiped out humanity last generation casos is making was John’s principal antagonistand his main motivation for the run of the show but not only was the big bus easily stepped away by a character that had nothing to do with the Whitewater plot the long night was about as long as a viewing of Titanic with a couple of bathroom breaks downand instead of merely living out humanity it wiped out about one half of one Army seamstress the author argues actually Western Markand we learned that after that’s done it doesn’t enter that the world of men was to preoccupied with political squabbles to worry about an endless fortified zombies because all you need to do in the existential threat is the one special knife of no importance is a recurring problem which ties in with what we were talking about the last episode subverting expectations despite the fact that it doesn’t work for the story are used training as a faceless man builds not at all to this could have been anyone with a strong tenure jump yeah the fact that the 19 focuses is wrap on Brandon John Snow means that Brandon John Snow should have been involved here is a Mina Jones now needed to do this but he needed some resolution other than spending the battle screaming at his new archenemy on the Dragon tended I also saw one idea that Shearman Cheney killed 19 you know bring that old Kingsley are thankful for that would’ve been cooland give Jamie a reason for existing but enough of it made sense John’s main motivation is farting out of existence without any of his involvementand after it’s overand the only thing that has materially changed apart from the bloodletting of a couple of supporting characters is that the nurse finds out about John being a target areaand which not only has nothing to do with the why walkers really think they have in this world it probably would have happened eventually anyway but with regard to John learning the truth about who he is never really reacts to it the King go talk to supervisionand protection of the realm of revelation is momentous especially someone like John Snow whose entire identity was wrapped around his pastor Ness starts Boston installed bus the dog Boston is about the ship. And I saw the importance of being awake and after I had my child I thank God every day for knowing what I know about these fucking every single one of them told their victims what we did is a secret don’t tell mommy or daddy that’s not a roll that’s how they roll but the story I wanted to you about my daughter was when she was an infant she was probably about a month or two old and you know they were people in the family that didn’t that had a problem with me for some reason they would always call DCF and send DCF to my house all the fucking time never came to visit the child will call DCF down these yet that child is sick and needs to be examined when this motherfucker has never been to the house to visit the fucking child once right now is ridiculous in itself so one day I get a call DCF and S Department of child children and families are important so I called these yet is cold it is rainy that they right and the DCM woman says we got an anonymous tip that your daughter was sick and we need to date we need to take a downtown for an examination

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prixmiumarchive · 7 years

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Goodbye Judas

Or, A Theme I Notice I Love

I have weird Unemployment Restlessness right now, and so I have been piddling at many things such as pointlessly organizing my tumblr things in a behind the scenes way that literally no one cares about. I was trying to find a theme to maybe switch to, then started to work on one myself. Now I’m getting too damn tried to continue for now, but while I was thinking about what feel I wanted for my theme an the fiction I’ve been enjoying most-recently, I was kind of caught on two of my favorite lines from stuff right now. One is from my long-time and probably all-time love, Doctor Who, while the other is from Wonder Woman, the thing I didn’t even expect to like. Then, I was reminded of something else, too.

I have skipped around Doctor Who this year. I still haven’t seen what seemed to be the thematic pin for the season, Extremis. (I got really behind and skipped to TDF, and I’ll catch up later.) But a friend of mine in the roleplaying community pointed ou the quote to me around the time it aired, and it was echoed literally and thematically in The Doctor Falls. The quote that the theme of this season centers around is:

Only in darkness are we revealed. [...] Goodness is not goodness that seeks advantage. Good is good in the final hour, in the deepest pit, without hope, without witness, without reward. Virtue is only virtue in extremis.

Then, my new love, Wonder Woman had Diana learning a hard lesson through experience that, while not the same, complements this very well, in my opinion. Steve Trevor puts it into words when he says:

It’s not about ‘deserve.’ It’s about what you believe.

I say he put it into words, but that doesn’t mean he’s the only one getting the idea. Steve is great and here’s a Mary Sue article chewing over gender equality and Wonder Woman. But the point here is, Diana sort of sees and already knows the lesson she has to learn, in some ways, before she ever enters the world of men. Her character arc has a lot to do with learning how to accept and deal with that lesson. No matter what inspiring genesis of humanity story she believes, that anyone believes, whether it is true or whether it’s not, one can only look to it as one facet of where we are now. Even if we believe that humans were created to be good, to love, and to be just, we must accept that we have taken on many traits that are at odds with that fact.

Diana, in her innocence and optimism, wanted to believe that the negative, horrible traits she was seeing in humanity (and men in particular) were caused by the influence of the God of War. That made things neat, tidy, and gave a particular, singular thing to blame and to destroy in order to save the world. However, she must come to terms with the fact that there is no simple way to put things back the way they once might have been. Hippolyta (I think) warns Diana that men are easily corrupted. No matter what the original, pure potential might have been, the fact is that war and evil have found their way into the hearts of humans. But the hope remains that, at their core, they may have well been created with a better and higher purpose. And that belief, that love should win, even when it doesn’t, is what becomes Diana’s banner in the end.

And while I was sort of meditating on this while trying to figure out the mysteries of HTML and CSS, something I hadn’t even thought about in a while came to mind. If you’re a long-time mutual, you know that in 2015, I got really into Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works. It’s available on Netflix and good, part of a much larger, mind-bogglingly and stupidly complicated thing (universe?) called Type Moon, which consumed me in good ways and bad. In some ways, as a result of fandom experience and prejudice, I kind of quickly left behind the particular installment that hooked me into this network of stories in the first place.

I don’t want to spoil the Big Twists of UBW, in the off-chance a person who hasn’t seen it wants to watch it, since it is my good guess that of the three stories I am referencing in this post, Fate is the least likely most of my followers will have consumed. Because anime, and stuff. But I know some of you have or at least have a functional knowledge of what I’m talking about, so I am just talking about this because it really pricked a little scab, in a good way. In so many stupid, awful ways, 2016 was a trying year for me that made the things I loved feel like burdens, like chores, and like there was no real meaning but distraction behind them. I hate that, and this little moment I’m having has kind of revivified something I lost in the muck. It’s really strange, how good it can feel to just feel like you found a link to fuse past-you to present-you that feels good rather than like a weight of regret and embarrassment. And this is one of those things for me, realizing that 2015 me valued the same lesson that now-me is so enchanted with and trying to take to heart.

I won’t summarize Fate UBW because I’d be here for another thousand words. But I will suffice to say that its male protagonist, Emiya Shirou, is intended by the creator to be a critique of the typical shounen hero, common to anime anime at teenage boys. He experienced a great trauma as a child of which he was the sole survivor, rescued by one of the catalysts of that trauma and raised by him. Being raised by his father-figure-savior, he wants to become just like him because of the joy he saw on this man’s face when he saved him. Shirou, on the surface, seems pretty normal, but he basically was allowed to respond to his trauma by living vicariously, unchecked. He functions as a dutiful, typical exampleo f the above trope in pretty much all ways, prior to his involvement in The Plot as it pertains to him.

He carries a certain self-spun ideology with him into The Plot. If you need a pointer, i will cheekily describe it as The Hunger Games with Mythical Heroes and Witches and Wizards. (They’re called magi in this, so actual fans won’t kill me.) His ideology is that he wants to achieve a world that is fair and just enough that no one will ever need to cry. This brings about a whole heap of trouble of him, both seen and unseen, because he is actually presented as selfless to a fault. For those of you who do know what I am talking about, this is why Unlimited Blade Works feels like the most natural progression to me. In this story, rather than the other two canon-AUs (routes), he actually confronts this and deals with it rather than Option A) Embracing it Fully or Option C) Burn it All Down for My Equally-Needs-Help Girlfriend.

Anyway, in UBW, Shirou’s ultimate confrontation with his ideology is not necessarily what one would think. I don’t speak Japanese, so I cannot be completely sure of the purest import of the line, but when Shirou’s foil is arguing with him about what nonsense all of it is, one subbing ground translated it in a way that I really liked. (And if I’m remembering it correctly, it isn’t the official translation of the line.) He says, in response to the refutation of his ideology:

Just because you are correct doesn’t mean you’re right.

And I just love that, in terms of excessively hedonistic or utilitarian arguments against doing the right thing. Sometimes, even if a person can make a point about why it’s frankly stupid or inefficient to do the right thing, you just do it because it’s kind.

I found a subbed clip of the part I want to quote. If you even think you might watch, don’t watch past 2:00.

For this part to work, to explain what I remembered tonight that makes me feel like there might be some spark of continuity between what has moved me for the past several years, I have to transcribe a conversation. (Again, I’m copying subs, so like, people who understand Japanese forgive me.)

Archer: Hey, that’s Hell you’re walking into. Shirou: This is what you forgot. I admit that at first it was just admiration. But at the heart of it all was a wish. The wish for this hell to be undone. The unfulfilled wish of a man who only wanted to help others, but who lost everything in the end. Archer: Even if that life will be that of a machine? Shirou: Yeah. Even if that life is dripping with hypocrisy. I'll keep striving to be a champion of justice.

And I just love that my mind came back around to this at last. Even if that life is dripping with hypocrisy. That feels like something the Doctor might say. That feels like what Aries tried and failed to shake Diana with. And it just... means a lot to me, as a person, and I hope that I’ll keep learning why and what it means in practice.

By the way, the title of this post is my favorite little line in ‘Last Stardust,’ the song playing in above-linked clip.

#doctor who #wonder woman #fate stay ubw #fate stay series #emiya shirou #conventional blogging tag #archer #mine #mymeta #long post #like a super long post #like you should only read this under three circumstances #circumstance 1: you love me #circumstance 2: you love all three of these fandoms #circumstance 3: you love one or more of the fandoms and are curious about one of the others AND like me rambling about shit

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beyondthetemples-ooc · 4 years

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Saw a tag game that was “unconventional tags”, and I was going to reblog but I wound up having TOO MANY tags per prompt!

So out of sheer curiosity, I’m going to share what The Entire Selection of Tags with “chocolate”, “kill”, “done”, “try”, “stop”, and “why” is in this post! (Be warned: There are MANY and I only remember the context for about a quarter of these. I was able to dig up 92 tags for “why” alone. But I’m rather curious and analytical, so of course I’d tag a lot of Why’s...... anyways! Here goes! It is LONG.)

Lots of personal considerations, a hefty dose of OC and Titans-related fandom tags,

Chocolate:

#(but like... chocolate AND cherries....~<33333 )

#I wonder if I could use gluten-free oreos (i.e. ''''chocolate sandwich cookies'''') as the crust instead.... ooooh i'm gonna try that!!

#but I've never had to buy anything and try to sell it besides... like. Malley's Chocolate Bars and other such candy bar fundraisers.

#i was at work for 12 hours but then I got home and went ''FUCK IT'' and ate some chocolate cake and a bagel with eggs???

#Dove will bring her a cup of tea or hot chocolate and sit with her for awhile. Maybe talk through some things with her.

#PB+chocolate can be either GREAT or /awful/ depending on the brand.

#Dark chocolate is more of a Dry and Astringent Texture thing for me.

#It's as essential in my plot ideas as chocolate is in hot chocolate. Just can't possibly make it without it.

#anyways: Peanut butter + chocolate is good. I like the fancy hazelnut spreads with peanut butter swirls.

#Mint+chocolate is good as Andes mints but bad as peppermint patties. Again; it depends on the brand. LOVE it in ice cream!

#i'm suddenly reminded that i bought myself an entire whole-ass chocolate silk pie Because I Wanted It SO BAD

Kill:

#nice to know the life skills i learned at chipotle haven't left me. 8FFFFF

#And I've always obsessively cataloged knowledge of canon. so when I found out all of Raven's half-siblings were killed (or their mothers)?

#Kary has a fairly good Innate sense of direction. but she had to develope a Real Skill for it when she was living feral.

#not the ''i'm gonna kill my favorite protagonist'' part but like. the emotional Twist there

#Anyways any and all Shakespeare except Midsummer Night's Dream bored me to hell. To Kill a Mockingbird INFURIATED me.

#SECONDING The Great Gatsby. I also really hated the ending of To Kill a Mockingbird. The story itself was good but that ending?

#Well I guess he GOT TO KILL HIM AFTER ALL now DIDN'T he

#''DON'T KILL IT I'LL GET IT OUTSIDE IT'S OKAY''

#kill mary-sue witch hunt culture! KILL IT DEAD

#it's Ten Percent Luck and Twenty percent skill if you're referencing the song I think you are but i see your point

#I have a 0.07 skill level when it comes to Playing By Ear and chords. But this is LOVELY so far even if it IS simplified

#it's okay you can say Kill la Kill

#excuse me as I kill my throat from gasp-laughing too harsadddnamfwje

#it wasn't until i literally shouted at a doctor that I was going to kill myself if they couldn't help me that someone actually DID SOMETHING

#you could never kill me in a way that matters

#he's also the only one who Actually tried to kill the Joker. so.......

#did you know bugs feel A Jolt of Pain when you kill them? I don't know what the heck the science-y anatomical cause of that is

#kill the idea that yelling/screaming is Normal and Healthy! Because it's not! It's absolutely NOT.

#But yeah! There's no better way to learn a skill than looking to the people who have already mastered the skills you want to learn.

#''Are you really willing to kill the next George Floyd; the next Breonna Taylor; the next Tamir Rice?''

#those herbs DON'T KILL VIRUSES like alcohol does!!

#''what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'' yeah but it leaves you with Serious Vulnerabilities that you have to spend your

#''Lots of villains.'' ''I will KILL YOU boy!'' GODS

Done:

#for me/aries it's much more the ''i want to fix it then and there and then it's done'' but really I don't play the blame game.

#seriously they've done SO MANY studies on creative hobbies and there are generations of stories from people who've had them

#so really nothing gets DONE about the diagnosis? but he gets Super Curious and reads a TON of articles and studies and books about it

#But let's take stock of how many times I've already done this shall we?~

#nicely done though??

#I can Never Get ENough of writers who've done as much off-novel characterization as Neil and Sir Terry have done with Good Omens

#That was REALLY well done as far as a Mind Games sort of horror story goes

#You shouldn't expect people who have Done a Lot of Growth and Shown a Lot of Potnetial to ForeveR Hide and Eradicate Their Past.

#this webcomic isn't my style personally but it IS really well done and I recommend it to anyone who likes the above things!

#with the tags out of the way: THAT'S BECAUSE 9/!! was PLAYED to THEIR BENEFIT (or: possibly even done by the govt themselves)

#and they pay shit and work us to the bone because they won't staff. But this post is... PROOF that it can be done BETTER.

#''i was born on the way home from the gym and then I will be able to get it done before the end of the day''

#!!! This made ms so HAPPY to see! Pink's speech patterns being recognized and analyzed was... not something i'd ever done before?

#I have to have some things done before my executive dysfunction will let me engage in other tasks or else I get like.... gridlocked?

#kpop fans get things DONE don't DOUBT them

#I have a LOT of trouble recalling when something was Done First or Subsequently. And I absolutely CAN NOT remember dates.

#It's human to need help sometimes and with all you've done for your loved ones

#and once THAT'S done I should be able to post the chapter!!! Which... given that I'm not absolutely mentally exhausted from work anymore

#I can't IMAGINE what I'd have done if I suddenly lost ALL of them and had to fight on alone.......................

#AHHH the idea of Damian adopting a rabbit! And Raven petting it! (house bunny because I refuse to condone illegal wildlife theft)

#they've done it! they've broken my fanfics down to the bare essentials!

#to do so when I see people like this. I'm done letting people back me into a corner and forcing me to cower.

#and between all the reading I've done on humanized superheroes and this show: I know that's basically my favorite trope.

#Enrichment Done Right!!

#Teaching done RIGHT!

#I'll admit: I'm curious to see how Gabriel and Kami actually describe their relationship? Because when it's built up properly and done RIGHT

#okay so I've done some research and this seems to be ACcepted on reddit but Hotly Debated everywhere else

#and it wasn't until Last Year and my sister that I trusted with it was a cosmetologist-- after I'd done SO MUCH work on healing from abuse

#It was the first forest that ever opened its heart to me. The only one that has done so as thoroughly....

#I have written like three quarter-done sex scenes but always drop off it before I get ot the Really Porny Parts because No Interest

#seriously they've done SO MANY studies on creative hobbies and there are generations of stories from people who've had them

#But let's take stock of how many times I've already done this shall we?~

#nicely done though??

#the things she had ACTUALLY said or done to me. Telling them the way she hurt me.

#have you... have you never done that???

#...hmmm... I like the Battle Cry idea. I don't know what my own creaming sounds like though. I've never... done that.

#I can Never Get ENough of writers who've done as much off-novel characterization as Neil and Sir Terry have done with Good Omens

#i scored 33-actually-34 though. the ones i missed were the mother-daughters-grandmothers one-- which I still think it Done Wrong

#can confirm that you Do Get Way More Done when you're well-rested.

#nimue's not driving but she's already so done with it

#it could probably only be done When Angry.

Try:

#i went wild with google translate and ecosia and every search engine i could find TRYING to TRANSLATE ''cotorrito''

#If we're going to take on these forces of arrogance and bigotry: We have to stand UNITED. TOGETHER!

#poetry

#country

#pastry

#And for some reason everyone fucking LOVES it. I know it was an instrumental step in my poetry as it is NOW

#but I know that in poetry after a rhyme happens then te next line is Likely to start a new thought.

#''you're a deep thinker of deep thoughts a reader of poetry and a HEAVY user of your notes app.

#take this quite literally. because the one time i did try asking my STEPmother what was wrong she wound up screaming at me.

#I don't usually watch tiktoks but the comments convinced me to give this one a try and yes. this one Deserved It.

#my mother and I driving around country backroads trying to avoid the highways at midnight on July 4th

#I was going to try buying a gift card but i think that would be cheating a legit business owner out of money and I'm not about that.

#i refuse to give her a tag of her own. i know she Contributed^tm and technically it's not 'bad' poetry but I'm just not a fan personally

#is what I consider to be MY WORST POEM. It even got published in a goddamn poetry collection! What the FUCK.

#actually put your body into starvation mode. And what does the body do when it's starving? TRY DESPERATELY to HOLD ON

#~!America is the Best Country Ever!~ NO ''BEST'' ANYTHING would allow ANY human being to be treated like THAT!

#But the idea is to try finding those things and explore them. Make it fun! MAke it spooky! Make it exciting! Make it startling!

#i'd also have to try finding a time to watch it when someone else in the family isn't already monopolizing the TV....

#(because i'd.... really love to try holding and playing one of these of my own someday.)

#about living a monk-like life? i'd give it a goddamn try if i got literally ANY paid vacation time and had the money to fly to tibet...)

#.....from certain pizza places? I would try it.

#so like. Too LAte ot try it at THIS job

#Not just in stories either; do actually try it someday

#In this country it's basically Impossible to become ANY kind of politician without being am illionaire. Like it's Literally IMPOSSIBLE.

#Like... the thrift store industry is BOOMING right now because a lot of us are Too Poor to Buy Anything Else.

#''bitch TRY it i DARE you''

#sometimes you gotta get it out somehow and a journal entry just doesn't cut it

#i actually only know two lines out of the refrain of that song. But damn if I'm not going to try LEARNING it someday

#i've heard d+ shuts down accounts if you try logging in from new devices (such as my laptop) lately

#...huh. I haven't found a lot of country music before the 90's so I don't know how I feel about this.

#but i definitely agree with the Reasons People ''Hate Country Music Today''.

#(but also The country music style of singing feels like someone is using a cheese grater on my brain. I just... don't enjoy that;;)

#(''lyrics'' referring to the 90s/00s country music I know of. and know i can't stand.)

#(tagged as such because ONE DAY I really REALLY want to try my hand at a Big Gorgeous Absolutely Breathtaking Fish Tank!)

#Oooh I'm definitely going to incorporate that ''try not to leave the room'' when cleaning thing!

#i wish my stories could do that? someday. Someday maybe.... I'll try one of these days.

#Sigh... the Artistry of this crew.

#i can't believe i'm living in the most ragged-on state in the more ragged-on COUNTRY of the entire internet.

#most of the time the people who have the easiest time contacting spirits didn't try or ask for it. The spirits just kinda.... Found Them

#He has the skills necessary to cook. Just not... the Sense of Taste. He has the Artistry part down! Just not the Accuracy.

#((and i have to try REALLY HARD to get an image of what it Looks Like. except in very Rare and Special Moments.

#I'm not usually one for visuals but this quick animation is GORGEOUS and I can't tell you how TEMPTED I've been to try recreating it.

#and Leyla as a kid just wants to TRY STUFF

#i saw amy's shoulders sparkling and i was like! ''i LOVE that. i'd love to try some fairy-goth myself someday''

#Neurochemistry stuff!!

#why is his reaction so aNGRY honestly that was a REAL ACCOMPLISHMENT and some serious artistry she pulled off!

#try swarming a stun deck with THIS on the field. o.o

#tell me what i can tag this because it's absolutely fucking ABYSSMAL of our country to ALLOW this and absolutely FUCK anyone who says

#i'm gonna...... try that popcon one though

#(because my job has me outside in it for at least 3 hours a day no matter what medical history i try to show them)

#might have to try this....

#i'm gonna Try to sleep but i know my hyperficating nexus-steeped mind isn't gonna quiet down very quickly 8O

#for the record i did TRY using the Boolean Operator syntax with ''low'' blood pressure in quotes. but it STILL gave me articles

#Raven: immediately Exhausts Herself to Hell to Try Undoing It

#yes i'm going to overanalyze and try understand every accusation of Ohio on my dashboard. why do you ask?

#i'm gonna... Try Wearing Make-Up!

#is it weird that i use almistry when drawing my ocs' hands?

#a little piece of her childhood home and her ancestry when the rest of the world and its people died.

#She might be a little embarrassed to share her poetry with people? I think she's pretty good at writing pretty words

#Or... if you feel so inclined: poetry you've written yourself?

Stop:

#but BY ALL the GODS can we STOP mocking and hating the people who DO have all these grand and lofty ambitions?

#stop blaming millennials for our shitty circumstances challenge.

#note to self: stop frekaing FORGETTING to schedule with a GE again!!! fuck's sake!

#stop being elitist because something's Different. it has its merits and it's not meant to be an International Film-Festival Masterpiece.

#(i did a Lot of stupid things at that house actually. there was a reason i stopped working with raphael......)

#except once i got the add diagnosis my teacher stopped commenting on my doodling.

#that cloak was the PERFECT compromise. It kept me a Little Warmer without getting too hot AND did a great job of stopping the too-cold wind~

#we stopped going to the daycare.. (And i know that because i got it for my 5th birthday. i was ENAMORED IMMEDIATELY)

#i've always read it the same way and didn't notice Why Everyone Stopped Liking Her but that also brought that particular Change to light...

#but on the other hand she Literally Accidentally Stopped Time... (And i have this... headcanon? let's call it a headcanon

#for something like stopping the end of the world: Who (at least: who among HEROES) WOULDN'T put that to use?

#my all-time FAVORITE that I will NEVER skip a song from is Evanescence. HAs been for like 15 years now and that's not stopping.

#i don't foresee this rambling stopping for another 3 days tbh

#creepy guys try to follow you off your stop and get your number no matter how many times (with increasing ferocity) you tell them no.

#but can this fandom stop acting like pink intentionally hurt everyone for like 7 seconds???

#also if you're as powerful as zee it probably comes second-nature so why WOULDN'T you throw it around to stop an argument?

#it's an even split on how many people are willing to stop and talk to you. about one in ten will just outright ignore you if you say Hi

#why not stop at home and drop him off first? why send him into freaking SPACE???

#Don't stop believing. Don't stop moving forward. Don't let depression drag you down.

#do nothing but yell at you and tell you to calm down or shut up or Stop Being Yourself.

#i'm gonna stop before i suffocate on silent laughter but Wow This Is Good

#i can't tell you how many doctors i've been to that literally told me to stop crying when i Became Distressed from relating my symptoms...

#which i don't appreciate! brain stop calling me a wuss

#how do you... Stop Doing That?

#Stop Erasing Raven's Strengths!! Stop making her a stereotypical sitcom caricature! LET RAVEN BE SASSY

#Can people PLEASE stop equating the two things that don't necessarily (or often) go hand in hand?

#they're ALREADY filthy rich just stop fucking catering to them???

#and whenever I went to the bus stop for those mornings: I cawed to him. And rather than flying away as soon as he saw me

#Petition to make the fandom stop forgetting that Blue has a FIERCE side TOO

#i wish this freaking show would stop goddamn KILLING PEOPLE

#i can't stop giggling at that last gif though. oh my stars that's Great

#i... don't want to tag him ''bakura'' anymore because STOP GIVING HIM RYOU'S IDENTITY but at the same time... what ELSE do you call him??

#night-terrors/flashbacks / whatever? She will literally stop herself from sleeping.

#sorry i've made so many posts about this; I just! I can't stop HYPERFIXATING on this ONE DETAIL.

#like I was the kid who'd CRY when someone ripped wings off flies or legs off spiders. ''Stop it that HURTS!''

#but i tend to stop in the middle of books i'm not invested in. which is happening more and more often.

#She'll stop immediately and be like ''okay! let's talk about something else than!!''

#(a terrified telepath is twice as dangerous when she's unconscious and Can't Stop It. She knows that. So when she's having bouts of

#oh STOP it that was sweet!

#i mean you can't stop kids from seeing EVERYTHING. But we should at least be TRYING to protect them. You know?

#trying to help me figure out how to cope. basically everyone was like ''there's no way you don't notice three hours passing stop lying''

#oh my GOD I'm LAUGHING there are tEARS IN MY EYES I just!! I'm DEFINITELY imagining them and I can't STOP LAUGHING OKAY

#How do you stop looking back?

#(And then the night my spirit guide told me to stop LETTING myself be defined by her and that I can rise above my past and my parents...)

#but BY ALL the GODS can we STOP mocking and hating the people who DO have all these grand and lofty ambitions?

#Don't stop believing. Don't stop moving forward. Don't let depression drag you down.

#Stop Erasing Raven's Strengths!! Stop making her a stereotypical sitcom caricature! LET RAVEN BE SASSY

#There's SO MUCH in the Society6 store and all of it is GORGEOUS. I had to physically hold my hands to my chest to stop myself

#How do you.... Stop Needing the Sugar to Function though? I've tried like 4 adhd meds and they all have Awful Side Effects for me. :c

#for the record: salem was really more of just a stop on a field trip across literary and/or historical sites of New England

#can the universe STOP pointing me towards MORE triggers? P l e a s e ? ?? ?????

#My heart wouldn't stop pounding and I was legitimately QUAKING even after I sat down. Luckily that manager was Compassionate

#until somebody told me to stop probably

#but i can't stop questioning myself. probably because Questioning Myself and Rigorously Guarding My Mind is the only reason I...

#EXCUSE you holy HECK that was!!! I WAS BREATHLESS AND COULDN'T STOP READING?

#Not Being Violent isn't the same as Doing Absolutely Nothing To Stop Shit in the world

#can we stop saying All Sugar Is Bad now? (it doesn't increase insulin resistance until you've consistently eaten A TON of it!)

#i will literally run into a room to stop someone from killing a spider in my vicinity. Cup and paper in hand

#now if they'd stop taking digs at fans who prefer the old show maybe that would actually MEAN something.

#and I'm LEARNING how to talk back to them (''stop talking ABOUT yourself and start talking TO yourself'')

#and do you know what happened to me in Honors English? My teacher literally told me to stop writing so much and stop thinking so hard

#(i will NEver Stop Tagging Change Your Mind as Spoilers by the way because BASCIALLY THE FINALE)

#and i think my eyes are broken because i can't stop tearing up. heck

#...i'm starting to think i should stop using my Anti Fascism tag. just ot be safe

#He doesn't even need to forgive her. But at the very least... can we stop villainizing the one who is the very reason Earth still lives?

#i'm Venting but also Suggestions on Actual Techniques that can make them fucking STOP would be appreciated

#tag game #rhs blog #rhs personal posts

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gossipnetwork-blog · 6 years

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'The Bachelor Winter Games' Season 1, Episode 1 Recap: Let the Games Begin

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'The Bachelor Winter Games' Season 1, Episode 1 Recap: Let the Games Begin

This week I was presented with a tough decision: Should I keep up with the 2018 Winter Olympics or spend my time watching the 2018 Bachelor Winter Games? And no, it can’t be both—I need some semblance of a life, people. While the Olympics provides sexy skate tangos, Adam Rippon butt theories, and Chloe Kim’s hangry tweets—all delightful, to be sure—Bachelor Winter Games promises “The Canadian Ben Higgins” and Ashley Iaconetti’s mascara-stained tears. Guess which one I went with. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

The show’s intro tells us this will be “a global celebration of unity and love” but something tells me “a Vermont-based gathering of drama and lust” would be more accurate. I didn’t know what to expect going into this, but the teaser of what’s to come is certainly intriguing: There’s shots of Ashley weeping, of course, but also Luke Pell in low-cut spandex and some guy named Kevin who is being called “The Canadian Ben Higgins” even though the real Ben Higgins is also there. Will there be a fight to see who can stay? There can only be one!

If it comes to that, Canadian Ben Higgins might win because Real Ben Higgins seems very sad. He’s drinking cups of hot chocolate and wandering around alone in the snow. After his breakup with Lauren, his heart has frozen over because metaphors.

Bibiana (from Arie’s season) is also here, and she’s skating around in a one-piece with a cozy sweater and living her best life.

“I wasn’t crazy all the time. I just had one moment.” – Bibiana

Dean (from Rachel’s season and Bachelor in Paradise) gets an intro that feels very “boy band member audition tape.” We’re reminded that he was shady on BiP, but he promises he’s really a “good guy” who just made “questionable decisions.” That’s what they ALL say, Dean. He frets over whether he should make ramen or spaghetti, but eventually chooses spaghetti with great gravitas—signaling that he’s ready to make mature decisions now, I guess. Or maybe he just prefers spaghetti, who knows.

Now we catch up with Clare. You’ll remember her from that one time she told Juan Pablo off (“I would never want my children having a father like you!”) and the many many times she cried during Bachelor in Paradise. After those bad experiences, she swore she was retiring from the show…only to magically discover the Winter Games Loophole. Apparently, this is an alternate dimension where the choices you make after one too many margaritas don’t count.

Next up is Josiah, the lawyer from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He swears he won’t be a jerk this time, foreshadowing an edit of all the times he behaves like a jerk this time.

Lesley from Sean Lowe’s Bachelor season is here too, but I have to admit: I watched that rotation and don’t remember her. Maybe one of the many Laurens took her spot in my memory bank? In her intro, Lesley reveals she tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, so she got a double mastectomy eight months ago. She hasn’t been with anybody since, but her new boobs “look great” and she’s ready for love. I genuinely hope she finds it!

“Heyyyyyy, I’m Ashley I.,” I hear, both from the TV and in my nightmares. “I have a big reputation for being dramatic”—an understatement—”[Also] being heartbroken. Crying. I’m going to be the opposite,” she promises. I’ve always appreciated Ashley’s self-awareness, so her claims that she’s ready to change rub me the wrong way. Just embrace yourself! You are a person who FEELS EVERYTHING SO MUCH. It’s who you are. Anyway, a psychic told Ashley she’s going to meet her husband on an international journey and this McMansion in Vermont filled with Canadians still applies. We then get a hilarious montage of Ashley trying to ski in the dirt of Los Angeles, and I’m reminded how funny this show can be. (Just don’t tell Chris Harrison or we’ll get 1,000 more scenes like that until the joke is dug into the ground.)

“Later: Winter tears are coming.” – OK, that’s pretty good.

Now that we’ve been re-introduced to some of the U.S. contestants, Chris Harrison reveals he has a co-announcer named, I am not joking, Hannah Storm. Is she a plucky Disney Channel character? Oh, she’s an actual legit sports television journalist and, as Harrison says, “legend?” My apologies! I don’t watch sports—unless it involves desperate Bachelor contestants of course—so this explains (but does not excuse) why I thought she was a fake. They also got reporter Ashley Brewer for this and I gotta say, I wouldn’t mind adding these women to the regular Bachelor franchise. Imagine a reporter live on the scene during a group date hot tub outing. So good, right?

Back to Winter Games: There’s a parade, and they’ve carted in tens of extras, a bored-looking marching band, a moose mascot, and an old-timey fire engine that says “Dial 9-1-1” on the side, probably because if you have a fire emergency you should call 9-1-1 and not rely on this clunker. It’s quite the scene.

“Luke, obviously some people thought he was going to be The Bachelor and it didn’t work out,” – Chris Harrison is secretly shady.

Now it’s time to introduce the international teams. This shouldn’t be problematic at all….oh look, there’s Japan being represented by a man in a Ninja costume. We’re introduced to Yuki, who was in the top five of Bachelor Japan. She watched the American Bachelor on YouTube, so these are the English words she knows: “Thank you,” “OK,” “Hello,” Goodbye,” “I love you,” and “Will you marry me?” Honestly, with some of these dudes that’s enough to communicate.

Moving on: Here comes two Canadian guys, represented by that moose mascot. Kevin, a.k.a. Canadian Ben Higgins, got engaged six months ago on The Bachelor Canada. We don’t get to know the other guy, but Google tells me his name is Benoit. Ooh la la, French Canadian?

Zoe from China is led by a group of white people in a Chinese dragon costume, so there’s that. We learn that on Bachelor China there was only ONE kiss the entire season. Can you imagine what life would be like if Arie spared us from his kissing bandit shenanigans? What luxury.

Laura from Bachelor United Kingdom is here, and Chris Harrison describes her as “very quirky” because she flipped the Bachelor off when she was eliminated. Love that. She’s already my favorite. “I don’t know why more people don’t do that,” Chris wonders. Yeah! Why don’t they?!

From Australia, we meet Tiffany and Courtney. Tiffany is the one who made a love connection with one of the other female contestants during her season and again I ask: Why hasn’t this happened before? Courtney, meanwhile, was on The Bachelorette and made it all the way to the final four before being sent home…to…the…outback? Sorry, had to.

Now we meet team Sweden, which is led by, what else, a viking in a bad Anne of Green Gables wig. Rebecca and Nastassia (Stassi) are blonde and beautiful, and the guys basically do that cartoon BOING-ING-ING-ING when they see them.

When we return from the commercial break, Chris Harrison informs us it’s no longer Bachelor Nation, it’s Bachelor World. So progressive.

Team Finland is represented by a reindeer, elves, and Santa because sure. Jenny says she wants a “Ryan Reynolds lookalike.” Don’t we all, Jenny, don’t we all.

Next up, New Zealand: Lily is here to “stir things up” because she “curses a lot.” Ally has a sloth tattooed on her behind, which is awesome.

Germany and Switzerland are represented by Christian, who was on both shows. Wait, so you can just change countries now?

Now that everyone’s arrived, Fionnuala Cree (what a name) sings the “Bachelor Winter Anthem.” “We want to see this through” is the main lyric, which just feels very anti-climatic. Like, that’s all you aspire to? Not even one rose pun? And, of course, Trista and Ryan are here. I’m pretty sure they have a Bachelor bat signal that alerts them whenever Chris Harrison whispers “rose ceremony.” “No other couple really embodies what this is all about,” Harrison says. I suppose that’s true considering they’re one of like three successful couples from this franchise. Christian, however, doesn’t know who they are, which is a fun little moment the editors kept in.

Somebody named Ruthie Collins performs, and then it’s time for everyone to head to their new digs. After picking their beds, they gather to have a drink and eye the competition. Benoit gives a toast in French, and all the women do that cartoon BOING-ING-ING thing. Then Chris Harrison sneaks in to explain the rules: The men will compete against the men, the women will compete against the women. Whoever wins each challenge gets a date card to take whoever they want out. There will be rose ceremonies, and some people will be leaving. At the end, they’ll crown two champions to be the first couple of Bachelor World.

Once Harrison leaves, everyone starts sizing each other up and pairing off. Lesley is into Dean. Bibiana is into Kevin. But of course Ashley is also into Kevin. Ally and Josiah start flirting and almost instantly start kissing. She describes it as “a real cheeky little snog,” which is one way you could describe that. The German guy just watches them from the other room. Not creepy at all…

The next day it’s time for the first game. The challenge: cross-country skiing, shooting at rose targets, and racing over a finish line. Ashley’s concerned that Kevin is spending more time with Bibiana because her skin is so dehydrated from the cold. My heart shivers.

PHOTO: Lorenzo Bevilaqua

Josiah’s hoping to score a date with Ally, but she falls on her “ass bone” right away, eliminating her from the competition. At least it gives Josiah a chance to swoop in with hugs and a kiss to cheer her up.

The guys are up first, and Benoit does a little trash talking. That seems fair—he is Canadian, so I assume he’s more skilled at winter sports what with all that Canadian snow available to him. Compare that to Josiah, who admits this is only the second time he’s seen it. Re: the competition, not that much happens so just know that Ben, Luke, and Benoit are moving on to the finals. In the second qualifier, Dean won.

As for the women, Stassi wins the first qualifier and Rebecca wins the second. Yuki thinks she won, though, and I vote they just give it to her. In the women’s finals, it’s Lily, Jenny, Rebecca, Lesley, and Bibiana all up for the date card. A screen of Bibi’s stats come up to tell us she’s “Livin La Vida Loca.” They describe Lesley as “Blonde Ambition.” We don’t see Rebecca’s stats but she wins by a landslide.

On to the men’s final: It’s Kevin, Luke, Christian, Benoit, Ben, and Dean. Dean’s stat says, simply, “undecided.” Poetic? Better than Kevin’s, which informs us he’s “Seen Nickleback 27 times.” And this is the man we’re all fighting over? Despite his taste in music, he wins the date card and almost immediately Ashley’s eyes light up. She’s fully aware that he has a connection with Bibi, but she’s not giving up just yet. Ashely, do you know he’s seen Nickelback 27 times? That might ease the pain when he inevitably chooses Bibi for the date.

Back at the manse, Bibi gushes about how hot Kevin is. I mean, if you’re trapped on a mountain with no other options, sure. Apparently earlier that morning she creeped on him when he was walking through the house without a shirt on. “I never have felt that in my life,” she says. What, a lady boner?

During his conversation with Bibiana, Kevin reveals he used to be a ski instructor. HOLD UP. This game is rigged! How does anyone else stand a chance at a competition based on winter sports against a ski instructor? Also, why is the Nickelback fact in his stats instead of this hyper-relevant information?

Finally, we are treated to a scene in which Ashley and Kevin finally have a face-to-face human interaction. We learn they had a great talk the night before, so, OK, I will give Ashley more credit that this isn’t entirely in her head. She flirts by telling him he looks like Tom Brady meets James Marsden. “I’m not very good at throwing a football,” he replies.

“If you know me, I zone in on one person.” – Ashley. Oh, we know you.

Ultimately, Kevin asks Bibiana out. They barely have time to celebrate their love before we cut to Ashley crying in a confessional. She recognizes this “pattern” of being friend-zoned, and I implore her to find a way to break out of that. Maybe don’t go on this show anymore? Just a suggestion. She bravely hides her tears from Kevin and Bibiana, who are happily leaving in their best date sweaters.

Meanwhile, apparently Rebecca invited Luke out. Their date involves sitting cozy by a fire, then sitting freezing under blankets while they watch fireworks. They make out. Bibi and Kevin also make out on their date.

Meanwhile at the house, Lesley and Dean talk about boobs and Benoit cooks dinner. Clare looks at him, not the food, like a tasty snack. Same! “Oregano, garlic powder,” he purrs. She’s overly impressed that he’s able to remove a yolk from an egg. But then! We see him in a scene with his glasses on and hellooooooo. Why are we all sweating over Kevin? There is a hot ass French Canadian wearing glasses and cooking eggs. Ashley, use your eyes!

“Ah-ha-ha-ha!” – Clare, fake giggling and touching her hair while Benoit cooks.

Benoit’s into Clare, too, but then she makes a joke that she’s not drinking because she’s pregnant and uses this as an excuse to lift her shirt up a little bit. Oh no. Is this how people look when they’re flirting? My God. It works, though, because suddenly they’re making out in the kitchen while people scream in the background. They move to the fireside to talk about the kiss, which seems strange at first until I remember that producers are likely involved. Clare tells Benoit to wear his glasses more often, and I appreciate her looking out for us with this suggestion. He’s what I’d like to call poutine, a Canadian-but-French-sounding snack.

PHOTO: Lorenzo Bevilaqua

He pulls her closer, and I find myself saying, “Oooh!” like a mom watching Fifty Shades Freed. They kiss again. I’m jealous and so is Christian, who watches them, creepily, from the other room. He’s worried about his status because Lesley and Dean are making out, Ally and Josiah are making out, and Courtney and Lily are making out. Who will make out with Christian?

“I’m really, uh, sad for this one.” – Christian

The next day, everyone’s putting on their best duds for the rose ceremony and wondering who will pick them. Yuki straight-up asks Dean to give her a rose, and it’s very charming. Do it Dean!

But then Chris Harrison stalks in to drop some news: Tonight three women and two men will be voted off, Survivor style. Luckily, they have a cocktail party that’ll give them one last chance to plead their case to the others. Everyone panics. Josiah seems to be in danger—for some reason, even though he’s super into Ally, people are questioning his intentions. Ashley’s nervous because she hasn’t talked to other guys much because she’s been so laser focus on Kevin. Clare confronts Christian because she heard he was going to vote her off—but, no, he actually thinks she’s the most beautiful woman here. You instantly see the light switch go off for her, and she moves straight into flirt mode. And so a love triangle is born.

Once everyone’s voted, the rose ceremony begins. I appreciate Chris Harrison asking Rebecca and Kevin to hand out the roses rather than doing it awkwardly himself. At one point, they give a rose to some man named Michael. Who is Michael? Where has he been all episode? Did he just crawl out from under a faux fur blanket? He’s here to stay, I guess, because the final roses are handed out and Jamey, Eric, Zoe, Lauren, and Laura say their goodbyes.

See you Thursday for more drama!

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