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mika-no-sekai-blog · 2 months

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Word count: 1900+

Warnings: none

Part XI | Part XIII

You were sitting in your room, breathing deeply. Even after Rhys left, whatever he did with the scent of magic it stayed like that. You were overjoyed with the feeling of not wanting to puke. Your headache and pain of limbs eased, too.

The garden outside the window plunged into darkness, it was past the dinner time. But you didn't move a bit. You were sitting like this since he left, thinking about the offer he made you. Memories, your past, faces of your parents, your childhood. Did you want it back? Would it fill that empty space in your heart and soul that you felt all those years you lived alone in the forest? Thousands of questions without answer swirled in your mind.

A soft knock sounded on your door. You ignored it, wanting to be alone. Rhysand said he would give you time to think things over, so it most likely wasn't him, but it could be his mate. Or even worse, your cousin Mor. You weren't in mood to listen to her ramblings.

The door opened and closed and few tendrils of the shadows wrapped around your hands, playing with your fingers. The room filled up with refreshing scent of cedar and mist. You waited for the wave of nausea to hit you, but nothing happened. Closing eyes you breathed in deeply and for a moment you were back in the forest. Tension from your shoulders disappeared.

Porcelain rattled against the wood. Tray with plates full of food appeared on a small table next to the armchair.

"Figured you must be hungry," a deep voice said lowly. Your head followed the sound. Azriel was standing behind the armchair, giving you a soft smile. His eyes of colour of warm honey shone even in the dark room. "Can I?" He gestured to the other armchair.

You nodded. Your heart again did strange things in your chest. You saw this male just several times during your stay here, but it was always the same. Surge of energy ran through your body, pinching your skin, your heart was jumping, racing and stumbling. Yet a sense of peace filled you. As odd as it was, he made you feel at home.

This was the third time you were alone with him, because usually you saw him only at a meal time. To be honest you would like to spend with him much more time than those short moments. You felt good in his presence and he never bothered you with rambling or stories of the past. He was rather a silent type. In a certain way he reminded you of Tamlin who also wasn't too talkative and enjoyed silent and peaceful moments. Your heart clenched painfully at that memory.

When Azriel introduced himself he said he was a spy of your brother, so you imagined he was quite busy. He often disappeared for several days. Azriel was also the first one to call you by your name. That was another reason you liked him.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

You searched for the answer, considering what you actually felt. "I think I'm confused. Uncertain.."

"About what?"

You rolled your eyes. "Don't pretend you haven't heard about it. I pretty sure that Rhysand informed all of you about the things we spoke today."

His lips pressed together for a second. "You are right. He did, but I'd rather hear it from you personally. And just so you know, he made sure the whole house and garden are stripped of magic, so you can leave this room, if you want." His voice was gentle. He always spoke like that with you.

Your eyes widened. "Why would he do something like that?"

"There's nothing he wouldn't do for you. You are his baby sister and he loves you dearly." His posture and gaze was communicating similar emotions. You didn't know how, but you knew, Azriel would do just as much for you if not more.

A lump rose in your throat and tears filled your eyes. Suddenly you felt really bad for everything you told to Rhysand earlier and that you basically accused him of drugging you with who-knows-what medicines.

Azriel reached out, caressing you cheek. "Y/N, hey. You okay?" he cooed softly.

Without thinking you leaned into his touch. "I was quite harsh with him earlier.. well, the whole time.."

He chuckled. "No need to feel bad for that. He will survive. His ego is too big to be hurt by that. Also he is used to get a cold shoulder from you."

His laugh was so contagious you smiled, too. For some reason you felt special to witness it. You didn't know where the feeling came from, too. It seemed that your heart remembered more that your head.

He pushed the tray closer to you. "Try to eat something before the food gets cold. You will feel better with full tummy."

Tummy. What a ridiculous word coming from lips of a male like him. It was too sensual. It made your insides throbbing with.. could it be lust? It was hard to name it as you had never experienced anything like that except of that last evening with Tamlin.

Pushing those feelings and thoughts to the back, you eyed the plates. There was a lot of vegetables, some meat and fruits. All your favourite ones. You had to admit that he was really good at his job. He noticed even the smallest details. You blushed when your stomach growled loudly. Your eyes darted to him half expecting to find him laughing his head off, but Azriel pretended he didn't hear anything, merely smiling at you encouragingly.

You picked up a strawberry and took a bite. As the sweetness filled your mouth you closed eyes and sighed softly.

"You haven't changed," Azriel muttered amused.

You raised a brow in surprise, looking at him.

"You always loved the strawberries so much that one could feel its taste just by watching you eat them," he explained. He looked so.. gentle.

Your heart made a somersault in the chest picking up on speed, breath caught in your throat. There was another certain feeling you couldn't name, but it was close to what you felt when Tamlin smiled at you, teased you or when he played the fiddle for you. It kind of hurt, yet it was sweet. Just like the strawberry you ate.

Swallowing hard you took a fork and tried to concentrate on the food. It was quite a hard task.

Azriel silently watched you eating. Strangely you didn't mind it at all. When you finished, you pulled the knees to your chest and looked out the window. The garden was so dark you hardly recognised the shapes of trees and bushes, Sidra flowing behind the garden reflected the lights of the city on the opposite bank. And above that all, the stars twinkled, shining brighter than you'd ever seen them.

"Have you thought about Rhys' offer?" Azriel asked suddenly, his eyes never leaving your face.

"M-hm," you grunted. "That's why I'm so confused. I don't know if I want it."

"Why? What's stopping you?"

You silently watched the night sky for a moment, gathering your thoughts. "It's like.. I don't know.. I'm afraid who I would be after finding out who I was before. That I could lose myself."

"I don't think you would. If there's something you have in common with Rhys, it's strength. I've noticed it back then and I see it in you even now. There aren't many who could live through what you did."

Your cheeks burned. "But what if I change?" you mumbled barely audible.

"Believe it or not, you haven't changed that much," he gave your hand a reassuring squeeze. "With memories or without them, it's up to you who you will be, but no matter how you change it will still be you." And we will love you nonetheless. He didn't say that, but he didn't have to. It was in each word he spoke.

This male was strange. In a good way of course. It only took him a few minutes to make you feel better, lighter, to make a part of your worries disappear. You felt good with him. You only knew him for a short time, yet you could open up and talk to him about anything.

"I'm scared to remember. I don't know it for sure, but .. I think there are some memories that should remain forgotten.."

Azriel nodded. "If you want, Rhysand could try to revive just a small amount of memories at a time. You can stop any time, he won't push you to continue."

"Really? Do you think he would..?" You were surprised. When Rhysand told you he could bring the memories back, you imagined it would be all at once. You didn't know he could do it in small amounts.

Azriel raised a brow. "Of course he would. As I said he'd do anything for you."

That gave you something new to think about. By the time Azriel bid you a goodnight and left taking the tray with him, you had made up your mind. Afraid you could change your decision until the morning, you decided to look for Rhysand and tell him right away.

You went down the stairs and to the sitting room, but all lights were already turned off. In your hurry you didn't notice what time it was. With little hope you headed to his office. You stopped in front of the doors and listened. It was quiet inside. Thinking he had already gone to sleep, you turned around. You made only three steps into a hall when the office doors opened.

"Y/N?" Rhysand sounded tired. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

You turned to him, suddenly uncertain what to tell him. All courage you had just few moments ago, had left you. "I-.."

"Come in," he opened the doors wider.

You stepped in and looked around. You hadn't been in this room yet. Air was filled with smell of old parchment. Walls were covered with shelves full of books. There were several armchairs and sofas, so all members of his family could attend a meeting here. The room was dominated by large desk with two big windows behind it. There between the windows a painting of Feyre was hanged.

You smiled. "You love her a lot."

Rhysand stood next to you, looking at the same painting. "I do. She is my mate, my everything. I waited for her for 500 years. Some day I will tell you how we met. You'll like it," he smirked.

He gestured to the one of the armchairs in front of the desk and you sat down. He leaned against the desk, watching you with a smile, waiting.

You fidgeted nervously and cleared your throat. You couldn't stand the kind look of his violet-blue eyes, so you gazed down on your intertwined fingers.

"I-.. I talked with Azriel and.. I would like to accept your offer."

Rhysand's smile widened. "I'm happy to hear that." He watched you closely, tilting his head to the side. "But?"

You breathed out shakily. "Azriel told me you could return my memories in small amounts. I-.. I'm still not sure if I want to remember everything that happened to me.. I-"

His big hands landed on yours, squeezing them gently. "It's okay. We can stop whenever you want. I promise."

You shot up, tears stinging your eyes. Before you knew what you were doing, you hugged him. Rhysand stiffened for a heartbeat, but then his arms wrapped around you.

"Thank you," you whispered into his shoulder. He answered by running his hand up and down your back, rubbing it lovingly.

"If you want we can start tomorrow. What do you think?"

"I'd like that."

That night you slept peacefully, without nightmares.