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an-egg-broke-my-heart · 4 years

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Solavellan Hell Art Challenge Day #5: Skyhold

Rating: SFW

Summary: Nolanni deals with the emotional aftermath of Solas breaking up with her, with a little help from Cole and the best friend in all of Thedas, Dorian.

CW: Breakup, depression, panic attacks.

*****

It had been hours now. Hours of sitting on the cold, wet ground with nothing but her thoughts and the slight babbling of the pond behind her to keep her company, and she had no intention of moving anytime soon.

She didn't understand him. Just hours ago she thought she did, or at least that she could. He had showed her worlds she would have never imagined exploring before she'd known him, taught her centuries worth of lore and history forgotten about her own culture, given body and mind to her again and again. He'd told her he loved her, called her Vhenan, my heart, and then let the sadness that was always in the back of his mind catch up to him. He couldn't tell her why, couldn't explain to her what was so fucking bad about loving her.

He had given her her home, their home, Skyhold, and now she didn't want to go back. His gifts were nothing more than a tool in this ridiculous game of his, and he did not even bother to explain the rules to her.

She touched her face, the vallaslin she had refused to let him remove, and wished to the gods that she had never been at the stupid conclave, never been cursed with this mark on her hand. Why couldn't they have given someone else this responsibility? Someone who's emotions didn't cause her to spiral every time a comrade was killed, a battle lost, or a love forsaken. Because here she was, spirling again. She was too trusting and too open, and it was only a matter of time before the Inquisition suffered for it.

No. Those feelings are what make you strong. An angry fist to the sun and a broken heart for the moons. That's what the Inquisition needs, a hand that cares.

She heard Cole's words ringing in her head and looked up, but the spirit was nowhere to be seen.

"Cole?" She whispered, pleading for his kind soul to appear before her. He could make her forget, make her forget all of it, all of him.

You do not want to forget, pain makes you stronger. And he is a part of you now.

"Help me forget, Cole!" Nolanni cried. She knew she wasn't thinking clearly, knew she was taking this too far, but she didn't care.

You think its you but it's not. You're so beautiful he says, he hurts an old pain. It's not your fault, it's his.

"Cole!" She stood as she cried out again. He couldn't possibly think that this would make her feel better, quoting Solas' pain as if that would make this any easier for her. She didn't want him to hurt. She still loved him. This thought quenched her anger, a small bucket of water thrown over a large, raging fire, but still offering a bit of calm. Somewhere inside of him, at some point over the past year, Solas had loved her back.

"I need a friend, Cole." She said into the empty cave, hoping he would appear to her. "Not more magic."

A beat.

Your friend will be here soon. I'm sorry, I don't know how else to help.

A whooshing sound signaled Cole's departure and Nolanni fell back to her knees. He'd meant the best, she knew, but his words would not heal her the way he wanted them to. She knew him too well.

She heard footsteps entering the clearing and looked up, expecting Cole to walk in with something new to say, but it was Dorian. He looked frantic, as if he'd run all the way from camp.

"There you are!" He exclaimed and he came closer. "Cole said you were hurt, I've been looking all over-" His words cut off as he got close enough to see her red skin, puffy eyes, damp and dirty body. "Maker, what happened?"

Dorian kneeled down beside her and cupped her head in his hands. "It's Solas, isn't it?" His question was gentle, and the scrunching of her face as she tried to hold back more tears was all the answer he needed.

He sat on the ground and pulled Nolanni into his arms, she buried her face in his chest as he stroked her hair.

"You just say the word, and I'll kill the bastard." Dorian's tone was reassuring and kind, but she knew there was a truth in his words.

"No." She whispered back finally, choking on her words as the tears kept rolling down her face. "He left me, Dorian. He has that right." She was starting to sound like herself again.

"He doesn't deserve you." Anger seeped into Dorian's reassurances this time. "You are the most incredible woman I have ever met, and if he can't see that, then you deserve better."

He kissed her forehead and held her tighter, a half hour passing before either of them spoke again.

"I don't want to go back to Skyhold, Dorian. Not right away." Nolanni broke the silence, her tears having ended twenty minutes ago. His comfort and protection had given her time to think, to settle, to rationalize. She would go back to pretending that nothing had happened with Solas. She'd given him space before, and now it was her turn to demand he leave her be. If she was nothing but the Inquisitor to him, it would not be a hard ask.

"No Skyhold then." Dorian declared. "Shall we see where else we can cause mischief?"

She left the cavern holding hands with a different man than she'd entered with, but this one was transparent. This one didnt run from emotions. This one was permanent.

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