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siriuslytproblem28 · 1 year

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time has come. i finished crimson rivers.

this is gonna be a long one, and i don't mind if I'm the only one who's getting to its end, I'm writing this for me.

the thing is, i started reading it not being able to conceive just how devastatingly beautiful it is, everything about it. i saw people on tiktok freaking out, and the fact that it's a thg AU really caught me off guard, I'm a huge fan of the books and the movies, ever since i was a child (about 9 years ago) and I'm fairly new with jegulus (i only read like half of choices and some other tiny fics) but i don't know how to explain just how this masterpiece got me tight on a chockehold.

but then, it came to me, in the last chapter.

It's about hope. yeah it's s about growth too but that only comes with hope. everything around this is hope. i get it now.

in a way, i feel like I've grown with it too. i surely hoped to. it's different than anything I've ever read. not only cause it merges some of my favorite characters, stories and scenarios, or because it's sad and angsty and I'm dramatic, or because everyone was reading. it was because of that as much as it wasn't.

usually when i read these things i wish for them to never end. i go at my own pace since they're usually finished for months or even years and i take my time, stretching it as far as it goes, binging when i feel like, and it becomes an experience, my experience, playing with time and spending every day with the characters until i wake up and go to sleep thinking about them and pray not to find spoilers on the internet. I'd strech and stretch cause I've never been good at goodbyes, always hate them, the reversible and the irrevocable, but this time... it's weird...

i could read anything by zar and LOVE it no matter how long, I'd drink the words until i choked and spit them out just in time to take another mouthful. I'd swallow some, too. like poison, like tea.

but it made sense that this had to come to an end. not cause it's set in over 3000 pages, i didn't realize it was long as i was reading it, as a long time fic reader, i guess i was just used to read and read endlessly, how it seemed at the time. but this, i understood, i could see it coming to an end and i was at peace with it, i got it, and i was even happy for it, not to get rid of it, I'll miss this forever and might reread it in a low point in my life to give me comfort (yeah i know loll but towards the end there's comfort ok?)

but it made me have a better relationship with endings and change in general.

I've been known to dwel. on people, on things, on the past, on stories, anything. i cling to things as long as there's a tip to grip and i struggle to let go. to make peace with endings. crimson rivers came at first like a continuation to my habits, fitting perfectly in the angsty, sad story I'm so passionate about. brutal, cruel and awful, destroying me internally, with things i would relate to and the things i wouldn't. as closer to its end as it came, it became the antithesis. i understand why it had to end, i even agree, of course I'd read 75 more chapters but i don't feel the need to as much as i don't feel the need to know every detail about reggie and James's wedding.

I'm usually atractted by unsaid things, whispered kisses, silent words hung above those who kept their mouth shut when they shouldn't have, when speaking up would gain them time, precious and non conforming time.

but in cr the unsaid is said in so many ways, it's sang and screamed and still i found crevices between the realm of real and inagined words to foster my own thoughts and interpretations on the characters, on the story itself. i found myself bookmarking soooo many scenes and wanting line after line engraved in my mind, tattooed in my bones.

it's the most beautiful story I've ever read and i realized in the last chapter that it's about hope. right during regulus' dream, when evan says "is it not good enough that it has been you?" referring to regulus projecting evan in his dreams to counseling him, while all evan ever said to him might just have been regulus saying to himself. and then i was like "oh".

it was always about hope for me. regulus hoping james would see him, notice him, regulus hoping his name wouldn't be called, james and reggie hoping sirius would survive, regulus hoping to have his brother back, james hoping sirius would overcome his addiction and his trauma after the arena, james hoping he could ever have a chance with reggie, sirius hoping to be close to regulus again, and much later, hope for their love, the three of them, sirius building a bookshelf because he hoped james and regulus would eventually make it, james giving reggie his flowers hoping to make his day better, Reggie getting the flowers hoping someday he would invite james in...

i saw myself in regulus so much, that for the first time it really hit me how much i kin him, and i saw myself in james too, which is new to me, but only in a sense of being absolutely in love with someone and thinking they would never want you back, except for me they won't. but to love with such devotion, such hunger, i feel that, it connected me with this james in such a strong way, as i too would take anything this person would give me, the good and the bad.

i don't wanna spent too much time on more technical things like the world building, narrative, politics etc because i think we can all agree that it was perfectly done, full of complexity when it needed. i wanna focus in what i felt.

i love wolfstar here, i think it's the most healthy I've ever seen them, despite everything they went through. and I'm not saying this as the type of person who doesn't like atyd wolfstar because they're "toxic", i love atyd exactly for being so realistic in a sense that they're both traumatized kids in the 70's. of course they don't deal with shit the way we would know how to deal a little better now. i just think that they journey it's so beautiful, and it's about hope to, hope to have 5 more minutes together, hope to see them the next day, and eventually, every year, taking all they could ever get even if it meant only seeing each other once a year. and they eneded up with everything they deserved. a home and a family to fill it up with. it just makes me soooo fucking emotional.

I'm trying to close things here so this doesn't become like a huuuuge post, so i wanna state that I'm amazed at the character development throughout the fic, especial when it comes to their traumas and such. like, reggie coming from such deep denial towards his love for james, up to the point he thought he could kill him, to admiting his love eventually, to be willing to step in a crimson river to die a horrible death to save him, to admiting his love in his own ways, to propose without james even noticing HELPPP, to literally having the 4 kids he wanted ever since he was a kid. him being able to let evan go too, honoring barty with the forge, mending his relationship with Sirius omgg thatt

i love how the story isn't just about the couples, the romantic love, i adore family dynamics, and sirius and reggie here, omggg they made me cry soo fuckinh much... i find sibling relationships so interesting maybe cause i spent 13 years being an only child, and now i have a 6 year old half sister who doesn't live with me, so i don't get to see her daily and we have the age difference. so like, i know we won't have the same dynamic as siblings living together or closer in age, and honestly i sometimes get scared we won't be close, or that i don't know how to be a big sister cause i still haven't had too much experience at it. but i also feel this need of protection towards her, especially cause she lives with my dad, which is... not a good person to be around, to put it bluntly. and i want her to have me as someone she can trust, i want to help her having to endure my dad and i want her to grow up in a better, healthier way than i did. so yeah, i relate to sirius and Reggie's story here as much as i don't...

and sirius and james friendship>>>>>>>> I've been a sirius kinnie ever since i got into the marauders fandom in 2020, and i have a james in my life, so their bond is really special to me, quite the embodiment if sunshine

remus here as well>>>>>>>>

i know i focused mainly on sirius, reggie and james but honestly i could spent days writing only about those three so i really can't be mentioning everyone else, I'll just say that i don't think any fic made me fall in love with as much characters as this one, even those i didn't know or didn't have their image clear in my mind from canon/other fics.

to close things up, i love how the narrative circles around itself, in the last few chapters things comes full circle, like reggie thanking Sirius for volunteering for him, which was the very core of regulus anger and guilt, so it shows how much he's grown, also when he says to aberforth that "my brother's responsible for his actions as i am for mine" or something, so finally seeing that he isn't responsible for everything bad in sirius life; sirius learning to have a healthy relationship with sex and his desire, remus and lilly making their way back to each other, two hearts beating, one person, james fucking knife kink FINALLY my boy had his way, i found it sooo cute and funny that reggie was trying to "protect" him hiding the daggers LMAOOO, sirius building again, james releasing the horcrux hornet into nature again after so many years, THE FUCKING "YOU'RE HESITATING LOVE" 😫😫😫😫😫 i swear, i thought this fic would be the death of me but it might've just saved my life...

like all the metaphors, all the elements that appear throughout the story to bear meaning and to signify something important, it enriches it soo much, james' flowers, the tree, regulus climbing and growing, the blood and the crimson river, the knitted hat, the snow, the rain, the fire, the fireplace, the bookshelf, the moon, the stars, ughhhh i swear to gooooooooooodddddddd the worst and best parallel, aberforth and albus are what regulus and sirius might've turned into. i am devasted by this, so i won't comment on it. for now.

i think this is it. I'll be forever grateful to zar for writing this masterpiece that changed and saved my life, and consumed it, filling my mind ever since october, and for getting to finish now with everyone. i swear i wanna print and bind this just to have it phisically.

I'll be making a playlist for cr and listen to it every time i miss it ❤️ this was a beautiful jorney, but I'm at peace with it ending now. thank you, zar, i will proceed to rear every other fanfic you wrote and will write.

#crimson rivers #jegulus #wolfstar #zeppazariel #sirius black #regulus black #james potter #remus lupin #ao3 #crimsonrivers spoilers #evan rosier #fanfic

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bees-for-the-wildmother · 5 years

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WIP Tag Game

Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

I was tagged by the wonderful @pawprinterfanfic. Thank you!

This will be…interesting. That word always makes me go to Firefly, “Define ‘interesting.’” “Oh god, oh god, we’re all going to die.” Not entirely accurate, because it won’t be death per say, but I don’t know how many of these stories will actually live to see the life of AO3…

And if you don’t pay attention to my author’s notes or random Tumblr complaints, I hate coming up with titles, so my WIP’s don’t usually have names unless I’m truly inspired.

The 100

Bad Moon Rising: One that actually has a title thanks to CCR’s great timing on one of my playlists. A Halloween inspired fic. A dark urban fantasy of sorts in which Clarke is searching for answers to her dad’s death. She comes upon a nefarious plot that she finds centered around her adoptive sister, Madi. (Probably about 75% done with this one at ~14,000 and with goals to actually finish it.)

Dibs: A sudden inspiration that has only the opening scene written. Basically, Bellamy spies Clarke across the bar, but Miller and Raven immediately call “dibs!” because they don’t want her to end up as another of his one night stands never to be heard from again.

Elantris AU: Inspired by Brandon Sanderson’s Elantris. Kind of reworking the plot of that book to adapt it to the post-apocalyptic universe of The 100. Not very far into this one, but I have the full plot adaptation figured out.

Heathens Sequel: Basically right now it’s just an outline of the continuation of my previous Sci-Fi story All My Friends Are Heathens.

Into the Woods: An idea from over two years ago in which the crew goes on a camping trip and Clarke and Bellamy get lost in the woods together.

Non-Fiction Fairytale – Move-in: A story to fit into my Non-Fiction Fairytales series, a timestamp of when Clarke and Bellamy first became roommates.

Royals AU: An arranged marriage AU that’s actually mostly written, but I hit a point of writer’s block and haven’t come back to it in months. Not too far from the end, I think though.

Supernatural Spin: A Supernatural AU, primarily based on the story on the “Changelings” episode. Mostly because I wanted Bellamy to come back into town after a number of years to see Clarke with a kid and doing the math with how old the child is. And I apparently like writing Fantasy/Sci-Fi type stories.

Trials and Tribulations of Grad School: Basically because I have this idea theory that unless you actually go to grad school, you can’t fully understand the stress of it, i.e. literally rolling around on the floor cry-laughing. Octavia is her roommate who doesn’t get it, but Bellamy has a MLIS and so he knows and helps her get through it.

What is This Feeling: Wicked inspired story of Clarke and Bellamy getting accidentally matched-up for roommates at college and the chaos that ensues following it.

Will-o’-the-Wisps: My published WIP that I feel guilty about because I don’t know if I’m going to finish—writer’s block is a bitch. An AU in which Clarke is the lost princess of a fairy/fantasy realm and she returns to her homeland to fulfill the prophecy of destroying the darkness.

I also have a doc that’s just labeled “Story Ideas” and has LONG collection of my random inspirations. But unless I want this post to take an hour to read, I’m not going to put any of that on here.

I don’t know who’s done this or who wants to do it, but I’m tagging @the-most-beautiful-broom, @thegriffin-blakefamily, @tracylorde, @asroarke, and anyone else who writes and wants to share.

#tag game #oh this was interesting #and a little guilt inducing #i really should try to write more #or at least finish some of these #three at least are pretty close to being done #ah vell #it is what it is

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