#aprilfoolssmutfic

[firstofficerwiggles]

Gimme the Beskar Spear

An April Fool's crack smut fic

Pairing: Din Djarin x Female Reader

Rating: M/E, 18+ only

Warnings: Very bad SMUT, this whole fic is a warning, probably no one should read this, but if you do, be on the lookout for fingering, unprotected P in V sex, and terrible Star Wars euphemisms throughout. Also since “jizz” is “jazz music” in Star Wars, I have decided to use the ridiculous word “jyzz” thanks to the brilliant @tailorvizsla as we were discussing this challenge

Word count: ~1000

Author’s note: As part of the April Fools Smut Fic challenge that takes its inspiration from the Bad Sex Awards, I give you this terrible mess of a smut fic. You should read this as if you have only learned about sex through bad porn. Also please enjoy the many, many ridiculous Star Wars words and references to Star Wars creatures, food, places, animals, and what have you. Please enjoy it by laughing so hard you spill your spotchka!

Working for the Mandalorian, Din Djarin, meant you walked around like a lothcat in heat all the damn time. How could you not when you work with the hottest stud in the Outer Rim?

His broad hulking shoulders, as broad as a star destroyer, make your mouth water and those giant arms all corded with muscles like two sexy ion blasters make you wish to be their target. Not to mention his huge thighs, thicc like the gnarltrees of Dagobah, and that perfect ripe Jogan fruit ass that makes you think of all the dirtiest things in the galaxy. Din Djarin has some space junk in his trunk! 

You’ve been trying to get him interested in your lothkitty for weeks now. You prance around the ship wearing the tiniest shorts and tank tops. It’s the best way to show off your sweater meiloorun melons and your sweet poma-drupe fruit. You try to bend over in front of him as much as possible, even shaking your badonkadonk or shimming your chesticles to entice him. Once you even managed to brush up against him, and as you felt that big bantha salami in his tight pants you knew he was definitely happy to see you. You just need to make a big move because Din Djarin doesn’t do subtle.

You see him in the hull of the ship, cleaning his blaster, his talented hands stroking it the way you want him to stroke you. You walk over to him, popping your hips with each step, and then climbing onto the crate in front of him. Your feet are bare and you put one right in his lap, letting it seek out his forbidden trouser Dashta eel. You rub your foot back and forth over it while you bite your lip and tell him,

“Don’t you want to have some fun for a change, my big bad bounty hunter?”

His visor pops up to look at you, “You sure you know what you’re asking for, Cyar’ika?”

You can feel him growing in his pants, the Zillo beast is awakening and it is large. 

“I know I want you to give it to me, hard.”

You open your legs so he can see how you’ve soaked your panties and shorts with your glistening moistness. 

“Fuck,” Din says, his voice deeper and darker than the blackest of space. He grabs your clothes, ripping them off as if they were made of only gossamer tissue flimsi. His strength makes you whine for him.

You shriek his name as your nipples turn so hard and pointy like two shards of transparisteel in your chest. 

He chuckles as he plucks your sweet binkberries. The roughness of his leather gloves adds to the sensation, the feeling of the work worn material moving over your downy flesh makes you cry out again.

"Shit! Din, your hands are the best, I want those trigger fingers in all my tight places."

"You like my hands, I see you, licking your lips with that slutty Gungan-like tongue as you stare at them," Din’s voice rasps through the modulator, “And as for your tight places, that’s exactly where I want to stick them.”

You moan obscenely as he slams two of his fingers deep inside your wet cavern of mystery, pumping them with a vengeance. His other fingers rub your pleasure nubbin turning you into a bawling mess for him. You grip his biceps, crying out,

“Din, what big blasters you have!”

“All the better to make you cum, my dear,” he tells you, his fingers pounding your secret hot spot making you ooze even more girl juice around them. 

“I’m cumming for you right now!” you yell out as you shake hard and blow up like a Deathstar of desire.

Din brings his fingers up under his helmet and you can hear the sexiest slurping sounds, like he’s enjoying a delicious fried crispic as he cleans your feminine secretions from his gloves.

“Mmm, I knew you’d be tasty,” he says, “And now it’s time for the main course. You ready for a heaping serving of man meat?” He undoes his trousers and finally you get to see that big, girthy blaster cannon of his.

“Yes, my sexy metal man, gimme your beskar spear,” you coo at him.

In one forceful turbothrust, Din stuffs your special box full to the brim like you’re a Life Day roasted porg and you scream with pleasure.

“Fuck yes! Ride me hard like a blurrg!” Your cries of ecstasy bounce off the walls of the ship.

“Yeah, take it, baby, take my real Darksaber,” Din growls at you, pounding into you so hard your tits practically slap you in the face.

“Yes, it’s the most powerful sword in the galaxy, everyone wants it, and when you wave it around, they’ll follow you anywhere!” you shout your enjoyment of his legendary weapon.

Your hips are rolling like the waves crashing against the shores of Scarif. Each rise and fall brings you closer to another sonic charge climax. Din pushes your legs up high, bending and twisting you into a pleasure pretzel. His hips shift into lightspeed as he humps you like a draagax in its frenzy, determined to spread his love seed into your weeping hole. 

“Fuck yes, cyar’ika, I’m gonna bring you in warm!” Din yells.

“Do it, my hot hunter, make me melt with your twin suns of spunk!” You cry out.   

Your bodies undulate as you both chase that delicious release. The place where you’re joined is creating a friction and heat that is more overpowering than the Mustafarian lava fields. Convulsing together, you both explode in orgasm simultaneously. You feel Din’s searingly hot jyzz filling your precious Dagobah meat flower, so much that it seeps out of you. It’s mixing with your own vag sap, creating a blend of love nectar that is uniquely you and Din. 

“Mmmm, Din, you really are the best in the parsec,” you moan out, so satisfied and happy.

“Cyar’ika, I’m gonna show you I’m the best in all the parsecs,” Din tells you with a tilt of his helmet and an electric jolt of his hips.

You feel his one eyed Krayt dragon swelling inside you, and as he takes off again like an X-Wing on the run from a Tie fighter, you soar with him into a galaxy of pleasure far far away.

Thank you for reading this nonsense, I hope you enjoyed it and are not currently trying to gauge out your own eyes.

I'm almost embarrassed to tag people in this so to my loyal supporters, I apologize: @onabouteverything @boomtowngirl @kavecika @beskarprincessjenny @startrekkingaroundasgard @writeforfandoms @kazthedestroyer @ladykatakuri @noodlesfics @the-good-shittt @princessxkenobi @jewfro24 @vaderthepotater @pinkiemme @elinedjarin

#AprilFoolsSmutfic #april fools #crack fic #the mandalorian #din djarin #din djarin x female reader #the mandalorian x female reader #din djarin x reader #the mandalorian x reader #18+ #smut fic #smut crack fic

[adancedivasmom]

Fuck Around and Find Out

An April Fools Smut Fic inspired by the Bad Sex Awards.

Pairing: Paz Vizsla x F!Reader

Rating: Mature/Explict 18+ (By proceeding to read beyond this point you are agreeing that you are 18 years or older)

Warnings: Very bad smut (that's the whole point of this writing challenge), pure filth, porn without plot, unprotected P in V sex, creampie, breeding kink, slight degradation, and truly awful cringey synonyms for male and female genitalia and semen throughout.

Word count: ~500

A/N: I've read some hilarious April Fools Smut fics today and thought, what the hell, I'll give it a go. I figured if it's awful, I'll just blame it on the challenge. Hope this makes you laugh. Unbetaed, and yeeted into the world like the future child of Paz and reader. 😘

If the Maker themselves had told you that you’d be in the position you’re in right now, you would have said they were insane.

But here you are, getting fucked boneless by the most intimidating warrior in the covert.

White hot pleasure explodes through your body as you claw at your wet, ruined sheets. You are powerless to do anything other than take the fat girthy schlong of the beast of a man behind you.

You’ve lost track of how many times Paz has blown his thick choad inside you. How can one man produce so much baby batter? It was beyond your comprehension.

It seems like you both have been going at it for hours now, with no indication of Paz slowing down any time soon.

You only have yourself to blame, really. You just had to tease him, had to challenge him. Well, this was taking “fuck around and find out” to a whole new level.

Paz grabs your hair, causing you to arch your back ridiculously as he pushes past your cervix and spills his hot spunk directly into your womb again with a roar.

How could he possibly fit more in there? If he kept this up, you would be dripping his cream of meat from your snatch for a week.

Surely he must be done with you, but no. In a move that has your mind reeling, he pulls out of your sugar walls and flips you onto your back.

You whine like a massiff bitch in heat and shamelessly beg him for more. You just can’t get enough of his one-eyed trouser snake.

Before he does anything else though, Paz bends down to get a bird’s eye view of his handy work.

To fuck with him, you clench your inner muscles and push a wad of his splooge out of your ruined meat flower.

“Oh no you don’t,” he playfully scolds you. “We’re not wasting one drop,” he says as he pushes his hot nutt back inside you while you keen at his words.

The next thing you register is your knees being thrown over his broad shoulders, heels on his back, as Paz plunges his fuck stick back into your soaked clam.

“Hang on, cyar'ika,” he warns as he starts to move again, determined to rearrange your guts. “You’re not leaving this bed until you’ve been successfully bred like the good little cum dumpster you are.”

The moral of the story, never tell a Mandalorian like Paz they are too old to get it up. Or that they are past their prime and probably shoot nothing but blanks. They will make it their mission to prove you wrong.

And to be honest, that was just fine and dandy with you.

#AprilFoolsSmutfic #april fools #smut crack fic #bad sex awards #paz vizsla #paz vizsla x female reader #paz vizsla smut #paz vizsla fan fiction

[tailorvizsla]

Title: A Night of Sexy Sex with Paz Vizsla (April Fool’s Day Fic) Pairing: Paz Vizsla x f!Reader, mentions of Armorer x Bo-Katan Rating: NC-17 Wordcount: ~4000 Warnings: Terrible euphemisms, PIV sex, unprotected sex. Literally the worst. Overuse of the words sex and sexy. One use of the word moist. Literally this is the worst thing I have ever inflicted onto myself. Author's Note: Part of the Bulbous Salutations exchange! The point of this is to write bad smut and to make people regret having eyes. Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all. :D

*Note: By continuing past the ‘keep reading’ thingie and reading this godforsaken fic, you hereby absolve me from any financial, legal, or moral obligation to pay for your therapy. I am poor. I cannot afford therapy for myself, much less anyone else. Thank u.

You’re not quite sure how Paz worked it out, but he knows that you’re a virgin. The Mandalorian equivalent of cin vhetin. Untouched snow, pure, unmarred by another warrior's touch or love emissions. You've never even held hands with a warrior. Well, except to like, rescue someone, or something. Never bare palm-to-palm contact, though - that was beyond your comfort level.

At first, when you were younger, you wanted to wait for someone to make it worth your time. It’s not like Mandalorians are inherently attached to the idea of virginity, or anything like that. But you did want someone you could trust to help you discover sexual pleasure like in those naughty novels. The ones where the verde have their helmets up over their noses, their lips crashing together in a passionate kiss while their armor has fallen somewhere onto the floor. The ones where if you'd bought them second hand, the pages would sometimes be stuck together. 

As the months and years went by, the partners you were with…they never felt quite right. It was never the right time. It was never for the right reason. And so you and your partners would move on. And now you’re at a point in life where you wonder if you’d made a mistake. 

If you should have just…fucked someone and gotten it over with. Maybe it would have worked out in the end. You’ve seen the raunchy vids the verde pass back and forth during deployments (they're also passing partners back and forth, too, those lucky bastards). You’ve read all the magazines that get your panties so wet you soak them, your pants, and the seat you're sitting on. You know what sex is, technically, but you’ve never experienced it.

So it feels strange to sit with the verde and listen to their exploits, occasionally adding your opinions when you really don’t have one. You’ve never had your pussy licked until you cried and screamed. You’ve never been fucked stupid, to the point where your brain leaves your head and you can't think. And you really wish you knew what it felt like. But, like always, you go back to your room and satisfy yourself with your fingers and that giant floppy vibrating thing you bought ages ago.

Vaguely, you wonder if you should have placed that order for the glow-in-the-dark tentacle heated attachments, just in case things don’t work out here.

Now, you are standing here in front of Paz's door, wondering if you’re finally going to say goodbye to your virginity the same way Armorer said goodbye to heterosexuality when she first saw Bo-Katan. You shift your weight from one foot to the other as you wait for him to open the door. After a few moments, you hear the door click and it swings open, revealing Paz's magnificent, thick, beefy frame. It's obvious he hasn't skipped any meals or workout sessions. He's so big and broad it makes your heart flutter in your chest.

He is not wearing his armor, which explains why you did not hear his footsteps. You worry your lip with your teeth as he shuts the door behind you. Normally, you would have never just jumped into bed with someone, but when you look at Paz - all sourness and grump and bad attitude - you know he’s the right verd for the job. He’s a good man underneath all that beskargam. And kute. And everything else. Look, point is, Paz is a good person. That's all that matters to you. And he’s sexy, so. Bonus points there.

“So,” you say to him. “When you woke up this morning, did you plan on being the one to pop the vacuum seal on my buy’ce?”

Paz chokes a bit.

“That’s a unique way to phrase that.”

A grin crosses your face.

“But…no,” he confesses. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to have sex with me at all.”

“I like you,” you respond with a shrug. “And even though I know you have a kink for my type…it goes both ways, you know?”

“...what’s your kink?” he asks curiously.

“Blindfolds, obviously,” you deadpan at him. He laughs in response as he shakes his head.

“We could get married,” he says. “That way, we can…you know, see what we are doing.”

“You’re the last person I would have expected to suggest marrying just so we can fuck,” you say out loud. He shrugs in response. “Alright,” you say. You’ve done stupider things than get married to have sex. Armorer has left plenty of dents on your armor due to your stupidity. What's another dent? She's going to have to fix it regardless. You and Paz swap vows as quickly as possible.

Then you reach up to take your bucket off. Paz hesitates for a moment, and then he follows suit, lifting his helmet to reveal his beautiful face. He's got a chiseled jawline and eyes like sapphires, glimmering in the fluorescent lighting. His hair is thick and glossy, and it sways slightly. Where is that breeze coming from? Mortification fills you as you realize he's waiting for you to speak. You grin at him.

“You’re cute,” you say.

He’s more than cute - he’s downright handsome under that bucket - but you’re not going to give him any more of a reason to inflate his ego. He smiles at you. Gods, his smile is beautiful and sexy, just like the rest of him. So, so irresistibly sexy.

“You too,” he remarks, and you decide that his voice is definitely the sexiest thing you’ve heard in your life.

Paz reaches for you. You inhale reflexively as his strong hands find your arms and wrap around them, as gently as a newborn loth kitten wrapped in a blanket. Gently, he strokes up to your shoulders, and then down along your breast plate to your hips. He carefully pulls you toward him. Then, he presses his forehead to yours in a Mandalorian kiss, making your breath hitch in your throat.

That feels nice, you decide, as you relax in his embrace. Hesitantly, you touch him, feeling the warmth of his body, the hard planes of his muscle. The unyielding beskargam under your fingertips. Paz lets out a purr of delight as he dims the light to something more comfortable for the two of you. The two of you start removing each other’s armor, piece by piece.

Soon, the two of you are standing there in only your kute. Your entire body feels warm and tight. Your breathing is more rapid, and you definitely feel your pulse in your throat. When you look at the zipper on his kute, you look away. Paz catches you and pulls you in, tilting your face up to his with two gentle fingers under your chin. You close your eyes and tug on his kute, eager to have your first kiss. Paz rumbles approvingly, his breath fanning across your lips.

Your first kiss is a chaste one - a simple press of his warm, dry lips against yours. You’re not quite sure how long it’s supposed to last, so you let him take the lead. Then he presses another kiss to your lips. And again. And again. Like he's trying to tap a sentence in da-di-da with his lips against your heated skin. His lips part slightly and he tilts his head and then he starts to nibble ever so gently. It feels like he's trying to suck on your tongue or something, but whatever, it feels nice. And very sexy. His mouth opens a bit more and his tongue darts out against your lower lip. 

It feels strangely good to have his hot mouth against yours, and your lips tingle as his tongue skims over them. Paz’s hands find your waist and skim upwards toward your chest. Heat fills you as he touches your breasts and tweaks your nipples through your kute, palming them like one would half-price muja fruit at a sus market stall. He pulls back slightly. The whine of protest that leaves you turns into a quiet moan as he kisses along your jaw. More heat fills you, like that one time you drank an entire bottle of tiingilar sauce on a dare.

Boldly, you reach up to undo the fastenings on his kute, inching the zipper down to reveal his chiseled pectoral muscles. Paz mirrors your gestures, never going faster than you. He carefully strips you down, his big, warm hands touching your breasts and cupping your ass. Paz guides you to the bed. Your chesticles bounce most boobily as you recline. So fucking sexy.

Paz carefully settles on the bedding with you. His weight makes the mattress dip toward the center. It’s dark in the room and you’re so shy you can’t even look in his direction. Paz catches your hand in his and guides it to his pectoral. You squeeze gently. His man titty feels so good in your hand. He flexes the muscle, making it jump in your hands.

“Touch me more,” he says. “Please?”

With shaking fingers, you touch his mountain-like shoulder, taking a moment to trace a scar across the skin there. Then your fingers drift down along his belly. It's soft, but firm, with a sparse forest of hair that dips down to his manhood area. You don’t go down too far, though - you’re not quite ready for that yet.

“Might be more comfortable if you sit on me,” Paz says. “You won’t have to lean over as much. And you’ll be in complete control, mesh’la.”

“Alright,” you whisper. He guides you onto him, your knees on either side of him, something hard and twitching against your belly. You assume it's his love Javelin missile, ready to pierce your pleasure target and explode on target. You resist the urge to look down, instead focusing your attention on the scars littering his ultra sexy skin.

“There we go,” he groans. “See, mesh’la? You can touch any part of me you want like this. I’ll just hold you and let you take your time.”

His hands settle on your hips, warm and strong as they massage your supple flesh. You continue exploring his torso, taking a moment to squeeze his nipple the same way he had squeezed yours. He inhales deep, a low noise of pleasure escaping him. You mentally file that away - he seems to like having his sexy man nipples played with. Finally, you know you’re ready to touch him there. You’re pretty sure he’s ready too. Swallowing, you work up the courage to reach out and touch his bulbous beef bayonet. It jumps against your belly and you jerk back.

“S’alright,” he says. “It’s just a little excited.”

His hand guides yours back to his cock. Swallowing, you wrap your hand around him gently. His skin is silky soft and warm, like slipping into a hot Denovian mud bath after hours of hard work. You know warriors are sensitive in this area, but you don’t know how much so. You’re afraid to hurt him, so you loosen your grip as you stroke it. Paz throbs and pulsates in your hand. It is super sexy.

“Don’t be scared, mesh’la. It won’t bite.”

His hand wraps around yours, squeezing you around him in a much tighter grip. 

“Just like that,” he says. “Just like that, don’t be scared…oh yeah, just like that.”

You aren’t sure if he’s really that into it, or if he’s putting on a show for you, but you feel much better knowing that this is bringing him pleasure despite your inexperienced touch. You wrap both hands around him the same way a rath'tar wraps itself around its prey, gnawing on your lower lip as you trace the veins on his thick, meaty baby-batter shooter.

Up at the top, you find he looks a lot like the diagrams. The head is round and blunt, with a slit in the tip. A droplet of pearly white love juice gathers there. Impulsively, you swipe your finger through his creamy Sichuan daddy sauce and lick it. It’s not what you expected, but it’s not unpleasant. Paz lets out a startled groan and his throbbing purple disco stick jumps in your hand again. A very generous glob of baby gravy leaks out and onto your hand as you stroke again. 

“What do you think?” he asks gently. “Does it taste good?���

Embarrassment fills your stomach.

“Uhm…yeah,” you say. “Not…not what I expected, but…uhm…it’s not bad.”

He looks delighted at your words.Then Paz grips your hip.

“Scoot forward a bit,” he urges. You obey, and your clit presses up against his fleshy pokey impregnation stick. Heat fills your entire body again. It’s so close to…there. “Move your hips - yeah, just like that, mesh’la. Do you feel it rubbing up against your little clit?”

“Y-Yes,” you whisper to him.

“Does it feel good?” he asks. “Do you feel your sweet'n'salty love juices getting my manhood all nice and slick?”

“Uh-huh,” you whimper. “Paz…I…”

“What is it, mesh’la?”

“Paz, I…I uh…I think I want it. Inside.”

“Not yet, mesh’la,” he says gently. “I want to make sure you’re really ready for it, alright?”

You nod, grinding your hips against that wet, firm ridge underneath you. His hands guide you on his girthy dipstick, and you’re too embarrassed to look at him. You can hear the wet noises of your bodies sliding together. Is it normal for that to happen? You can’t bring yourself to ask. If something isn’t right, he’ll tell you. But there's so much of it. It's all over his belly and thighs and you're pretty sure the novels didn't mention a literal tsunami of poonani juice.

“Good girl,” he rumbles up at you. “Look so good like that, mesh’la, grinding up against my flesh bes'bev like you can’t wait to have it in you. Does it feel good having it this close to your pretty little hole?"

You nod, unsure if you can even speak coherently right now.

“Every time you grind against me, I can feel you getting wetter and wetter,” he continues. “Your panty porg knows what to do with a big, hard sausage…it knows exactly where this babymaker is going to go, doesn’t it?”

A little noise escapes you.

“I bet your fingers don’t make your love channel all greedy and hungry the way my pulsating pussy plug does,” Paz says. “I bet your toys won’t feel half as good as having me all the way inside you.”

The thought of having him in there, inside your undiscovered lands, pressing up against your insides, stretching your walls the way your fingers and toys can’t, has you wild. You roll your hips again and you feel that knot in your belly break wide open. A moan escapes you, another gush of creamy coochie cum seeping out to drench Paz’s cumslinger.

Paz rolls you down onto the bed. Like this, it feels much nicer. He’s warm and strong and there’s something about the way his body covers yours like a weighted blanket. The way his hips fit between your thighs. Shyly, you turn away. Paz turns your face back to his and kisses gently. Then he works his way down, kissing your straining nip-noops and biting your hip bone. 

“Oh, mesh’la,” he growls at you. “Can’t wait to taste you. Can’t wait to send your pussy into hyperdrive.”

“Uhm,” you stammer out. “T-taste?...hyperdrive???”

“Tell me,” he says roughly. “Has anyone else gotten to taste you between the legs?”

“N-No,” you whisper. “Nobody…”

“No one’s been down here at all?” he asks. “Doctor doesn’t count. No fingers, tongues, or anything else?”

“No one,” you respond. “Uhm..only my own fingers…and my toy…”

“Good girl,” he whispers, placing a kiss against your clit. “Saving it up all for me…” A whine escapes you as his tongue darts out against your aching, throbbing clit. He hums in delight. His tongue probes between your lips, sliding up and then back down. “I’m about to fucking explode, mesh’la. Gonna cum all over myself just having you in my mouth.”

He’s slurring his words. He almost sounds drunk. He licks again and again, one hand keeping your hips pinned to the bed while the other spreads your flesh folds apart. Paz’s tongue delves in deeper as another moan escapes him.

“Gods,” he rasps out, his fingers spreading you wider apart. His tongue dips inside you, making your eyes roll back as you whine. “Like that, huh? Like having my tongue in you?” He drags his tongue back up to the little helmeted warrior in a boat, where he teases you with the tip of his tongue for a few moments. Then he works his way back down. 

“Fuck,” he stutters out. “All mine, only mine.”

He buries his face between your thighs, his tongue and lips working at your uber moist flower petals. He slurps and moans and purrs, sounding like a Wookie in heat. Then you feel his finger circling your unbreeched gates, your unconquered pleasure cove.

“Can I?” he asks, his eyes dark and wild as he meets yours. You nod shyly. You let out a little noise as he starts sliding his finger in. “Let me know if it’s too much for you, mesh’la. I’ll be gentle, I promise…” 

He dips his head back down as he pumps his finger in and out slowly, his tongue working at your outside pleasure doorbell. He sounds like a strill eating a bowl full of protein paste, loud but kind of endearing. Then he eases a second finger into your lockbox of love. His fingers feel so good inside! Your walls begin to quiver around his thick intruding digits, squeezing each time he pulls out, milking them the way you'll eventually be milking the green milk out of his one-eyed Thala-siren.

Paz groans and slurps at your clit, drinking up your pussy nectar like a man who has been trapped in a desert for weeks and you are the only source of hydration...that line sounded much sexier in the naughty holonovel. Maybe he’s savoring the dew on your flower petals???

"So good," he slurs. "So fuckin' good, wish I could live between your legs, mesh'la."

His fingers curl inside you and press up against your swollen interior doorbell - wait, who has an interior doorbell??? He presses up against your light switch of pleasure, making you squeak with delight. As you get closer and closer, Paz's enthusiastic vocalizations get louder and louder. He plunges his fingers into you and you cry out when he fingers your wet, slippery pink taco like he's a pianist and your vag is his piano.

"Ahhh! Paz!!!" you shriek as you finally reach your peak. "YES! Ahhhh!!!"

Your walls explode around him and you finish, crying out his name as the pleasurable waves squeeze and flutter. Paz pulls his fingers out like that one guy pulling a sword out of a rock. His fingers are wrinkled and wet, like he has spent way too long in the bath. He sucks on his fingers like he's trying to suck boba through a slightly too small straw.

"So fucking good," he rasps out.

Then he crawls onto the bed with you, sliding his third leg between yours, resting it on your mound of love. It spews out a jet of white, gooey erectoplasm onto your belly. Then, locking eyes with you, Paz angles himself into you, and gently starts to push in. He feels so gigantic inside you. As he keeps inching his massive love spear into your love spear holder, you cry out passionately, your eyes rolling back inside your head. 

You're not sure how, but he keeps fitting more and more of his Star Destroyer inside your humble shuttlecraft-sized hangar bay. Finally, he bottoms out, and you swear Paz's hymen hammer is poking you somewhere behind your left lung. A squeal, much like a minoch in heat, escapes you, and Paz lets out a noise like thunder as he moans and shakes. He starts to thrust slowly, his cock disappearing into you. You wonder if he's a magician because there's no way he should be able to fit inside you. Maybe he uses portals, like that one game you played once?

"Oh, fuck," he groans. "Fuck, you're gonna snap my turgid Manly Man Shaft in half, cyare. Your virgin hole is so tight I swear to Kad'Harangir it squeaks each time I pull out."

Once your slippery love tunnel starts to adjust around him, Paz starts moving faster, thrusting even deeper before, making you wonder if he's prospecting for beskar deep inside your Mines of Mandalore. So fucking sexy. The bed rocks and shakes with each devastating thrust into you - you swear you can hear the frame clattering each time it lifts off the ground. The headboard slams into the wall over and over, and a bit of drywall dust falls into your eyes, making them water up.

"Don't cry," Paz croons. "I bet it feels good, doesn't it?"

You're being fucked too stupid to respond, so you settle for a high-pitched grunt/whine.

"Look at you taking this trouser snake," he groans. "Pounding so deep into you it makes your belly bulge - "

You wipe some of the drywall dust out of your eye and look down. Yup, definitely. Each time he thrusts into you, you can see the tip of his cock in your abdomen, as if his helmeted sausage soldier is trying to get your attention. Your pulsating pussy starts to pulsate even more, squeezing around his cock like a warm, wet, velvety fist trying its best to squeeze his soul out through his pipi. Paz grunts and groans, his hips slapping against yours wetly. Vaguely, you can hear someone hammering on the wall.

" - it's three in the fucking morning, you dipshits! KEEP IT QUIET - "

The two of you ignore the other person and keep going. You scream as you orgasm around his cock. Pure electricity shoots through your entire body. Just like that one time you were trying to plug your data pad in to charge, but the charger was under your bed, so you were going at it blind, and you ended up touching the electrical prongs by accident. Your bearded clam gushes its sweet and salty clam juices, mixing with his pre-cum to create sex chowder, and you can feel the dampness spreading underneath you like high tide at love time as Paz just keeps hammering away.

"Cyare," Paz bellows. He roars like a hungry Wookiee. Or maybe that was more of an angry Wookie? Horn-gry??? "Oh, cyare! I’m gonna impregnate you! I’m gonna knock you up so many times the Mandostork is gonna stop coming to our Tribe!”

"PaaaAAAaZZZ!" you wail. "Ahh! Aaaa ~ Oh nhhh ah ah yessss! ~ ♡♡♡ ~ harder harder harder!!!!!!!!1!"

He keeps hammering into you. You're not sure if the pounding noise is the bedframe against the floor or if your neighbor is trying to beat the door down. But, again, the two of you ignore them, and Paz goes into hyperdrive. He's fucking into you so hard and fast his bald-headed buir maker is a blur inside you as it pistons and churns your insides into a pre-orgasmic puddle of goo. More and more of your beautiful, bountiful bajingo broth coats your thighs, his thighs, and the bed.

Your wails grow louder and louder as another orgasm starts to descend upon you.

" - please for the love of Kad'Harangir, Arasuum, and the Two Sisters - "

You climax again for the fifth or sixth time that night. He moans and grunts.

"You're so tight you're cutting off circulation to my diiiick," Paz hisses. "Gonna cum again - "

With another deafening roar, Paz finishes, his heat-seeking meat missile shooting jets of man cream into your penis fly trap like a Mandalorian quasar of love. He just keeps cumming, filling you so much that your nether regions can no longer hold it back. His weiner sauce sprays out, coating the bed in millions of fallen future Mandalorian warriors. He groans. With an obscene slurp, he pulls out. His cock is still half-hard, rising proudly above the forest of pubes, like a really tall cylindrical volcano spewing white magma. He puts his hands on his hips and smirks.

"Did you enjoy yourself, cyare?"

"Yes, Paz!" you exclaim as you collapse on the bed. 

He smirks and joins you on the bed.

"When can we have round two?" you simper up at him.

Paz's massive long dong beskar starts to stiffen. It stands at attention like a proud warrior would. It glistens in the dim light. He smirks.

"How about now?" he asks.

You giggle and pull him down onto you for a night of super sexy, passionate baby-making.

-

-

-

A special thank you to my husband for “creamy Sichuan daddy sauce”.

#star wars #the mandalorian #paz vizsla x f!reader #paz vizsla #romance #aprilfoolssmutfic #april fools #crack

[bitchin-beskar]

Late Night Rendezvous - An April Fools Crack Fic

Rating: E

Pairing: Sheev Palpatine x Jar Jar Binks (yes, seriously)

Warnings: bondage, lingerie, flogging, Jar Jar Binks’ horrid grammar, horrific metaphors, I compare Sheev Palpatine’s dick to a lightsaber and it’s exactly as bad as it sounds, masturbation. I’m so sorry.

Word Count: 955

A/N: This… this is a cursed fic. I blame the discord entirely for encouraging this… this… this blasphemy. This is crack, and is NOT meant to be taken seriously. Please. This is not a pairing I ship, I wrote this entirely because it was the most cursed thing I could think of. I’d say enjoy but… you’ll probably wanna bleach you eyeballs if you actually read this.

It was late on Coruscant, very late. Even the most dedicated politicians had gone home hours earlier, and the corrupted ones had finished their own after hours business and were home sleeping in their beds dreaming of power and money and whatever else corrupt politicians dream about. The Senate Building, theoretically, should be empty, aside from a skeleton crew of guards and the custodian droids.

But if one were to look closely, they’d see the soft glow of candlelight coming from the Chancellor’s office. That alone wasn’t unusal, the Chancellor had a certain fondness for the scent of Jorgan fruit candles. But this late at night was certainly strange. If one were to venture closer, they’d realize candles aglow were not the only strange thing about the Chancellor’s office that night.

“Oh! Mesa feel berry, berry strange!”

Now, Senator Binks visiting Chancellor Palpatine was not a strange occurrence. Both were Nubian natives after all, even though Jar Jar was a Gungan and Sheev was human. If one couldn’t find Senator Binks, it was usually a good bet that he’d popped into the Chancellor’s office for what many assumed to be a chat or spot of tea.

Those assumptions could not have been more wrong.

Were someone to enter the Chancellor’s office that night, the chances of them ending up permanently catatonic were astronomically high. For the sight that would greet that unfortunate soul was one that would drive even the most composed, collected, rational being insane.

Spread out on the expensive Nubian silk sheets that adorned the Chancellor’s bed in his attached chambers, was Senator Jar Jar Binks. He was dressed in the finest lingerie, red and black silk and lace accentuating his curves and contrasting quite nicely against the puke-brown of his scaly skin.

His hands and feet were spread apart, tied to each or the four corners of the bed with fuzzy black cuffs. His abnormally long muscular tongue was lolling out of his mouth, and a gorgeous greenish flush spread across his face and exposed chest. His haillu twitched, betraying his nerves.

Across the room, in a decadent armchair, sat Sheev Palpatine, Chancellor of the Galactic Republic. He was enveloped entirely in a velvet robe of the blackest night, the hood drawn up and only revealing his pale, wrinkled chin and his thin, pallid and chapped lips, which were curled into a smirk.

A gnarled, wrinkled hand poked out of the voluminous robes, one finger crooking in a come hither motion, the nail bed a sickly yellow color, akin to jaundiced eyes.

Jar Jar let out a wanton moan as the phantom sensation of the Chancellor’s touch caressed his body, soft and delicate like the feather from the feathered lizards of the forests of Pzob. His lover always started soft, teasing like a little boy pulling pigtails on the playgrounds.

The application of the Force was always unexpected, even after many years of private dalliances and secret rendezvous. It was weird for Jar Jar, the disconnect of seeing his lover across the room with his eye-stalks, yet feeling his loving touch over his scales was one he still had trouble understanding, much like the proper grammar of Galactic Standard Basic.

“Sheev, give mesa more pleasen!”

“You want more, my greedy young Senator?” Sheev crooned, voice dripping sweetness like Vashkan Apidactyl honey.

Before Jar Jar could confirm that he did, indeed, want more, a flogger floated over to the bed and with a quick turn of a crooked finger, the fine bantha leather flashed through the air like a lightsaber, and the crack of it on Jar Jar’s skin made him cry out in ecstasy, the primal noise similar to that of a Acklay’s mating call.

Sheev cackled, rough and throaty like a Gizka. He used the Force to continue to inflict glorious pleasurepain on his lover, whilst simultaneously parting his own voluptuous robes to reveal his hardened man-meat.

His stiffened rod was roughly the same size and shape as the hilt of a lightsaber, and arguably just as deadly. Many an innocent had fallen before his massive saber-dick, and Jar Jar was just the latest in his long list of impressive conquests. The Gungan had lasted longer than expected, and Sheev couldn’t say he was disappointed.

His pale hand wrapped around the turgid length, stroking in time with the sound of the bantha leather cracking against his sweet little Gungan’s skin. The slick sounds of his hand stroking his nerf sausage made the Gungan’s eye stalks swivel over to Sheev’s form, the soft pants falling from his bill creating a symphony worthy of the Coruscanti Orchestra.

Both of them were quickly climbing towards explosive climaxes that would make the destruction of the two Death Stars look like child’s play, if one ignores the timeline jump for a moment.

The sound of bantha leather striking scaly flesh and wrinkled hand stroking swollen man-flesh sped up simultaneously, gasps and groans adding the the musicality of it all as both Sheev and Jar Jar made noises that wouldn’t be out of place in a Rancor pit.

“Mesa close, Sheev! Mesa ganna come!”

“Good, good. Let the pleasure flow through you! Do it, my young Gungan, do it!”

At the same time, Gungan and Human climaxed with rapturous roars, shaking the room and giving any Tatooinian nearby flashbacks to a Krayt Dragon attack. Sheev’s hips shot up and off the seat of his armchair, like Elon Musk’s Space X Rocket. Jar Jar wriggled and writhed in his binds like a particularly slimy Stifling, or perhaps a Quacta.

As both lovers came down from their orgasmic highs, they knew this was going to be far from the last time they engaged in such pleasures of the flesh.

#crack fanfic #crack post #crack!fic #sheev palpatine #jar jar binks #sheev palpatine x jar jar binks #do not take this seriously #smut #18+ #I wouldn’t read this if I were you #April fools I guess #April fools #AprilFoolsSmutFic