#anyways. my therapist was telling me stuff abt how i need to remember this isn’t targeted for me and i need to regulate my nervous system an

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

#ultimate note #whomst #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(tw mentions of trauma, no details of it)hi i need help i think or at least info dump if u dont mind :(

currently i identify as pan/biromantic because i love everybody (leaving sexuality out for now bc i think thats a bit more complicated) but recently i started doubting. i dont know if its bc im traumatized and i just have a hard time getting close to people enough to feel love or if i just dont do it at all? recently some1 im in a qpr has confessed their (romantic?) love for me and i loved them the best i could but i dont think it was enough. idk if it was a love language thing or if im not capable of showing the love they were talking about. i dont think i romantically like them (thats a whole other issue) but like what if i dont actually feel romantic love at all? i love my friends and i believe in platonic love and sometimes the line is blurred (like qprs). for example i have one friend who i really like (platonic?) and for me it is sometimes blurred but idk if its just a deep platonic relationship (qpr???) or if its a romantic type but i am just too scared to think that im romantic to him bc hes my friend and i dont want to ruin what we have. bc dont friends still hold hands and stuff :( i think abt stuff like kissing but im also scared of intimacy (trauma tingz) or maybe thats an aro thing??

i want to love romantically i think but like what if it isnt what i think it is? i realized im not sure what that feels or looks like anymore all i know is what ive seen in the movies--aromantic people are not broken!!!!! i truly believe that :) - but i feel broken?? like theres something wrong with me and i cant feel the same love like others. i dont understand whats happening or why im feeling this is :( maybe im on the aro spectrum? or maybe this is something to work out w a professional? im just so confused

any help or thoughts is greatly appreciated 🥺🥺

please take ur time w this ask!! i know its kind of,, a lot i kinda info dumped on u :( im so confused about myself

So let’s break this apart a bit.

First of all a lot of people have trouble distinguishing what is romance or not, or romantic attraction or not. And it’s really hard to define and explain, even by people who know they’re experiencing it. And for some people the lines are blurred or they genuinely can’t tell at all. So it’s hard in general, even without trauma making it difficult. 

If you’re interested, the faq for this blog goes into some detail about distinguishing romantic/platonic/alterous attraction. So that may be helpful for you. But honestly my biggest advice is to just check out aro forums/blogs/media etc and seeing if it’s relatable and taking your time, sometimes it needs to time to marinate before you can really tell you’re not experiencing an attraction, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

For the trauma, it can be really hard to separate out what’s trauma and what’s just how you’d have been anyways. And honestly, you don’t actually have to and that may be helpful. One way I like to look at it is if you match an experience or find a label useful, does it matter if there’s a cause? Also there’s always a cause, just is it the trauma specifically or some unique interaction of genes and other experiences that lead you to be this way? And the other thing if trauma is a factor could things change down the road? And the answer is maybe. But maybe someone else has a fluid orientation and it changes for them later too, it doesn’t make it less valid in the moment. 

So yeah maybe the reason you think you could be aro and you’re having trouble connecting to romantic feelings/attraction is trauma. But it doesn’t mean if you think aro woud be a useful label for you that you can’t use it. And it doesn’t mean you can’t keep healing and exploring either, but it’s up to you to decide what feels right. 

Remember that there is a different between feeling broken and being broken. And a lot of people when they’re first realising they could be aro feel broken, and it’s something a lot of people go through. It’s OK to have those feelings early on, but try and remember they’re feelings, and that doesn’t make them fact. Also one thing a lot of people have found have helped with those feelings is connecting to other aros and the aro community, and seeing aros who are cool people or happy or good with their identity can help a lot to feel less broken, and even if you decide you’re not aro in the end this can still be helpful and help take the pressure off when figuring out your label. That you can find happiness either way.

I can’t tell you how you should handle the situation with your qpp, except to say don’t be afraid to take the path that feels right for you. We live in a culture that really teaches a one way to happiness and to dealing with these situations, but there isn’t actually a wrong choice here, if you should try a romantic relationship or not. And honestly there’s risks either way, so it’s best to let your own feelings guide you. Sometimes we may make the wrong choice out of fear as well (and either choice could be that), but if that happens the important thing is you learn and you’re more ready next time a similar situation comes up. 

Should you get help from a professional? You absolutely can, and some people do find that helpful. Make sure you find a therapist who is open minded about aromanticism and aro identities and won’t push you towards allonormativity. And remember you can switch therapists or fire a therapist at any time if they’re doing that. Identity is really complicated and personal too though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessary, but they may be able to help you navigate the trauma side of it better. But it’s up to you what path you think is best for you.

This is a lot of text, but to sum up, take your time and explore, and slowly things should start to make more sense, but don’t rush it. And try not to panic or be afraid of whatever identity ends up feeling right for you in the end. 

All the best and good luck!

#Anonymous #trauma cw

[writterings]

So normally I would yell at my friend abt this but he’s at work rn and I’m so excited but !!!!! I just scheduled my initial appointment to start T for next week and !!! I’m both incredibly nervous and totally excited !!!!!!! Would you happen to have any advice ? (I’m all nerves at this point lmao)

ayyy that’s so good!!! i’m so happy for you!!!

and hmm, well, not too much advice? a lot of it actually hinges on stuff relative to you and your body, but i guess i do have a few bits of wisdom:

keep a record of your voice changing! i made a video every time i took a T shot. it’s really cool to look back on your voice progression.

the T will probably make you ravenously hungry, so allow yourself to eat as much as you fucking want. don’t hold back. if you’re worried about the weight, then plan ahead. buy a lot of health foods, join a gym, etc. but let yourself eat. 

if the cis men in your family have a history of anger issues, look into some anger management resources online. this isn’t the case for every person on T, but i know i became fucking FURIOUS at everything for the first few months. it’s okay to feel angry, but just never take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. also, try to not get violent. this may seem like a bit of an extreme, but i was genuinely ready to throw hands with SO MANY people for no good reason when i first started T. this stables out over time, so don’t worry, but just remember to keep your emotions in check. 

keep up with a therapist, if you’re able. it helps in so many regards, i’m literally not kidding. 

kinda NSFW, but your sex drive is going to go waaaaay up. don’t feel ashamed of this though. allow yourself to take care of it in any way you need (i.e. with a partner, masturbation, whatever). don’t repress it though, because, like, no one likes to be around the repressed horny guy. but also i know a lot of people on T get self-conscious about how much they feel horny so let me just tell ya; it’s okay to masturbate everyday. it’s okay to just beat your fucking meat MORE than once a day. it’s normal. allow yourself to feel these things. just beat ya meat.

speaking of which, you probably already know that your clit will grow. this probably won’t cause any pain but for me it did. like, not constant pain, but all of a sudden i would be walking along and then just get hit with a sharp pain on my clit. directly on my clit. this sounds so funny but i’m not lying. but yeah anyways if you feel that, your clit is growing. 

you WILL become hairy and smellier. invest in good deodorant. lather your armpits in that shit. stick some under your breasts when you bind. put it in between your legs. you are probably going to have to buy like at least two sticks every three weeks. 

if you have body image issues, just keep in mind how your fat with re-distribute. ALL of your weight will go to your stomach, and make it look bigger than it was before despite how you probably haven’t gained any weight. 

anyways, that’s all i can think of right now! i wish you the best of luck, and congrats again for going on T!

#trans stuff #hope u don't mind that im posting this instead of responding privately #i just think its important #lovvw

[lookwhatilost]

i finished my second watch of bojack s6 p1 and here’s a predictably massive post of some thoughts/observations abt it

spoilers under the cut obviously

the “fuck” of the season definitely came in a moment that i didn’t expect, but i rly liked how it was used. like, it was a callback to when gina dropped it in the last season –– something that traumatized her vs a reaction to her PTSD symptoms. a lot of people seem unhappy w it but i think it’s more powerful than people are giving it credit for being

the gatsby reference in e3 rly brought to mind that there are, like, a lot of gatsby tie-ins w this show and i never rly pasted them together mentally bc of the ubiquity of the “rich guy is utterly depressed and alone” trope. like, the imagery related to the pool, the shallow parties, the yellow car, the spacious but empty house, the billboards staring him down as he drives when he’s hallucinating in s5. charlotte/daisy being a weak parallel in that he had feelings for her when they were younger, held onto them for years, only for her to be married when they reconnect, but it’s worth mentioning that the glow stick balloons were green.

someone on reddit pointed out that jameson’s baby in e1 had physical traits associated w fetal alcohol syndrome. like, short, upturned nose, eyes that are far apart, and low ears. it’s hard to say if it’s intentional, but he’s drawn w a lot more detail than a lot of the other babies i’ve seen in the show. if it’s purposeful, like, that’s amazing attention to detail

i liked how the season opened on a planetarium flashback, because honestly, the immediate aftermath of sarah lynn’s death is definitely kind of glossed over in s3 when it initially happens. and though i suppose the added information isn’t terribly surprising (like him lying abt the events that lead up to her overdose and minimizing his own role in it as much as possible), it did make me wonder why i hadn’t thought abt it before

bojack rly does show signs of serious growth in the 6th season and it’s cool to finally see him move forward w/o simultaneously backsliding in other ways. a lot of his good actions in previous seasons were only rly things that benefitted him. and there are a lot of examples of it, but i think the one that stuck out to me the most was w his therapist. when he fell off the wagon, it’d have been rly easy for bojack to look the other direction and walk away like we’ve seen him do before. realistically, he has no real incentive to care for doctor champ’s wellbeing if he’s no longer staying at pastiches, but he checks him into rehab anyway, and when doctor champ throws his insecurities in his face to be hurtful, he immediately identifies it for the petty jab it is instead of letting it fuel his negative thoughts and using it as an excuse to dive into self-destructive behavior. honestly e6 was the emotional high water mark of part 1, even though it wasn’t the kind of gut punch that the dramatic, narrative focused episodes of bojack tend to be

i’m glad that the writers finally /did/ something w todd that made him feel like an actual character instead of jst a device for the comedy part of the show. i used to watch this show w a friend and we always used to say that todd had very little depth given the amount of screen time he occupies and seeing them move away from that was refreshing. his struggle w jorge is very relatable as someone whose parents have always pushed me towards things i didn’t sincerely want based on their expectations and desires for me vs my actual opinions of what success and happiness would look like for myself. but, on the other side of the coin, there’s finally a little bit of confrontation of the fact that todd’s erratic behavior and shenanigans are very taxing things for people who care abt him to deal w. and todd is rly the only character who’s somehow defied the show’s formula in that he never faces accountability for the things he does. like, he’s enabled PB’s impulsivity many times and drove him to bankruptcy, care of PB Livin’, and it’s a detail in the show that’s never truly been acknowledged or talked abt at all. he fucked PC over when he wouldn’t follow through w his sham marriage to courtney, and it was met w a cheesy speech from her abt how he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right. it always struck me as a weird oversight, and to finally see someone take him to task for how taxing his behavior can be was refreshing. his only other “depth” was the asexual stuff and honestly? that is stupid and does not actually count for anything

if it didnt warm your heart when PC named her daughter ruthie then you dnt have one. i wasn’t as invested in her narrative as i’d have liked to be, but its good when PC is happy and that’s what everyone wants

IM SO GLAD JUDAH IS BACK. also i still hope he and PC end up together (and maybe she has a viable pregnancy this time w him a la sex and the city charlotte but that’s a little too cornball sappy for this show). generally rly enjoyed how characters from previous seasons were incorporated this time around. but i dnt want them to bring back vincent adultman jst to spite everyone who’s always saying “bring back vincent adultman”

pickles is still my least favorite character even tho the surprise wedding episode was probably the one i found the funniest. realistically i wanna see things work out for PB but his relationship w her is obviously not the move for him, and she’s also the worst

i like diane and guy together, they have rly good chemistry but i also have a bad feeling abt where things are headed w them. he seems ambivalent abt how principled she is and the scene where his son comes to the party and he makes her leave when he could have jst introduced her as a party guest if it even needed to happen at all... there was jst something off abt it. like you can definitely see the cracks in the foundation already and it’s disappointing

the scene btwn PB and bojack where bojack says to him “but i understand that feeling of needing to bottle up your guilt, not burden other people w it. you think you’re protecting them from your toxicity, you convince yourself that you’re being selfless, but it comes out in other ways and it infects everything” hit close to home bc it reminded me of someone i used to bond over this show w and like... whew

i rly love how the dominoes are being set up w the reporters (even tho their his girl friday shtick got old fast) bc the way things are culminating, the story getting out is liable to expose bojack for everything. if they approach penny and she talks to them abt what happened, she’s liable to tell them that bojack and sarah lynn went to ohio to find her in the time before sarah lynn overdosed, and the pictures that her classmates took of them could establish a time frame. he was in new mexico when he was supposed to be filming secretariat, and that knowledge could lead to them finding out that he’d been digitally replaced in the movie. when this information gets out, it’s very likely that gina will dogpile onto it w the truth abt what happened on the set of philbert, since trying to conceal her ptsd is actively hurting her acting career bc of the reputation she’s developing as a problem actress, and even though she dznt *want* to be “that girl that got choked by bojack horseman”, she won’t have a choice if she can’t get jobs otherwise. i guess there’s always a chance that penny and charlotte won’t talk to them, but now that hollyhock knows about what happened in new mexico, either way his personal life will be hurt by this. i’m not sure what’ll happen to him professionally, since there’s a recurring point the series has been making w famous people never being held fully culpable for their negative actions, and it’s a dicey thing for them to approach w a character that many viewers find sympathetic without ending on some myopic note abt cancel culture (whether intentionally or by popular interpretation) but im excited

i also hate how my obsessive watching and rewatching of this show meant that the intended pete repeat reveal (like, you’re not supposed to recognize him until his identity becomes obvious through the prom night story) was sort of compromised for me bc i recognized his voice and the second he introduced himself, i placed him IMMEDIATELY but it was still such a great scene. it’s the most tense i remember feeling when watching and an all around great cliffhanger

the final line of e7 comes off as some rly grim foreshadowing–– “it looks like you found solace in our show. stay if you’d like. in 30 minutes, we start over”. but it’s such an incredible line in context. my god, i fucking love this show, you guys

#i might add more to this later but for now

[theoriginalbread]

Venting

TW: domestic violence/abuse, childhood trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.), abandonment, depression, self harm, suicide, PTSD; a whole bag of issues, clearly

⚠️⚠️⚠️ You have been warned! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Scroll until the colored text to skip!!!

I got really high last night and suddenly got super sad that my entire childhood was robbed from me. I remembered that I used to take care of my baby brother, since he was in his diaper, and he was the best thing in my life at the time. I got to play with my best friend as he grew up and developed skills until he would get to be as smart as, and maybe even smarter than, my older brother and I. I remember feeling so much love for him. I was so excited and that’s about the last real feeling I remember from my childhood. Since then it’s been a slow and steady incline into “maturing” faster than other kids.

I remember how often my mom wouldn’t come and pick me up from school. I would wait and wait in the hot sun on the corner of the school street she instructed me to stay at until she came to get me. She would be there about 60% of the time. Enough for me to get familiar with the route home in case I needed to walk home. I walked home, alone, as a little child, often. And I don’t think I ever felt scared, more like anxious. What would I find out when I get home? Would there be a home? Would my mom be okay? Would my dad be yelling again? If nobody was home, they couldn’t reach me. Some days, I would get home to find no one was home and since I was small, an elementary school child, they wouldn’t give me a key. I would wait outside the house for hours and then cry to my neighbors and ask them if they’d seen my parents leave or if they could help me find them or if they’d let me in. I was ignored by them a lot too. They didn’t want to deal with a crying kid who wasn’t theirs. I never saw the inside of the house they were in because I only ever saw the front door and the window. My mom never scolded me or even acknowledged my feelings. I received no comfort.

I had to start using my brain much more to ignore things around the house and in the family than before. I had to try and keep the act up to not alert anyone that I knew too much. I remember how heartbroken I used to feel when I would see my mom cry and hear my dad yelling. Or how scared I felt when my mom told me if we ever heard them yelling at each other again to just go into the room and put on music real loud. (Trauma based tinnitus anyone? 🤲🏽 Can’t get that fucking ringing out of my ears)

I was confused. I cocked my head at that statement, like a dog, trying to learn new commands. I don’t think I ever got over that exact moment in time. My heart races, miles and miles per hour, at the sound of my parents raising their voices, in jest. In normal conversation. A laugh, through headphones and muffled, sounding too close to a yell and my head starting to spin, my knees lose their strength.

I used to think that I deserved to feel the way I did, at fucking NINE YEARS OLD. I was depressed. I was so horribly depressed I fantasized about dying at school. And I don’t mean intrusive thoughts, I mean genuine fantasy. I would be so lost in fantasy thinking about how much it would mean to people and how sad they would be at my death and that finally they would see that I’m worth their time and affection. So god damn terrible.

That was elementary. Middle school wasn’t any better. In fact it got worse. Yelling matches with my dad almost every other day. I’d pick a fight over everything that I could. I hated him so much. He would always slap me and try and intimidate me, but as stubborn as he made me, I’d never back down. I would double down and yell louder and call him names and watch him break down and cry because he only wanted to be a good father and he hated the way we had become. But I never bought that angle. I hated him so much.

Immediately I’m transported to the night I was on the computer in the living room, laughing and playing with friends. Mom bursts out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs, followed by my father, face so red you’d think he was about to burst. Scream crying her best attempt at a sentence, “he’s going to hit me” and I did not think and I did not take time to listen and immediately put myself between him and her and tried so hard, my one hundred and twenty pound self, against a man, at least a hundred pounds heavier than I, to halt his approach on my mother. My older brother came rushing over to my aid as my younger brother held my mother and backed further and further away while my older and I tried our best to stop my father from moving forward. He didn’t even see us. Whatever the issue, whatever it was that caused him to turn into these fucking demon, he didn’t even acknowledge his own children trying to prevent bloodshed. He was screaming so loud I felt my ears burn after each sentence. He pushed my brother and I aside like rag dolls and yet we both kept pushing him back and harder and at one point I even considered punching him. I’ve never wanted to hit somebody so bad in my life, and that’s On EVERYTHING. I hate violence and he made me want to punch him until his nose broke because of how blind he was.

That’s probably one of the most traumatic days of my entire life, family wise anyway. For months after, he didn’t step foot into our house. He had to fix his shit. Nobody said anything. We just did our best to pick the pieces up and keep moving and helping my mom relax.

For the longest time after, I had problems with my mom. Oh yeah, she’s not so innocent either. I feel terrible for all she’s been through, but it’s not an excuse for how she treated me too. Scratching me and throwing my head into the wall. Yelling at me that I’m just like my father and throwing my phone onto the floor so damn hard it shattered into pieces and spread everywhere into the room. Pieces of glass hit me and I was afraid I’d been cut and she instead checks on my younger brother, in the top bunk of our bunk bed, and apologizes so much and tells him she loves him so much and not to be afraid. She left the house that night, in the middle of the night, and went driving to god knows where and blamed the whole thing on me. She told my dad that I pissed her off because I didn’t listen to her and called her names and none of that was true, obviously. I told her that night I didn’t want to give her my phone because I can’t wake up on time without the alarms. She felt I was undermining her authority by not immediately giving it up. My father came the next day, mad as hell and he slapped me. Told me to apologize to her for all that and I told him, “no, because I didn’t do anything and she hurt me.” He scoffed and went to go talk to her. My mom ignored me for a week after. She didn’t feed me and she didn’t look in my direction. It took a long time for her to talk to me, and she didn’t let it go for months. Years later, I asked him if he knew why I never apologized, then told him about what she did and he said he had no idea. They fought that day. I left the house screaming and crying and having a panic attack. I went to my girlfriend’s house and I slept it all away, blocking both their numbers and trying so hard to will myself dead.

I have so much more to say but I can’t dump everything on the internet. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone this, and obviously there’s a time and place for even the slightest mention of any sort of childhood experiences, but idk. I don’t feel like anyone else understands me and I’m not sure if that’s internal or not. I can’t tell, cause even when I’m with some of my close friends, I feel all they do is talk abt their stuff and ask after they feel they’ve overshared or that they heard what they wanted to hear. And then by the time I get the nerve to start saying what I want to, something else comes up and the topic is gone.

I know I need a therapist, this isn’t new info and it isn’t shocking but man I just need to say it somewhere, ya know? I just can’t keep it inside forever. That thing that people say, “trauma keeps you at the age you experienced it”….that applies to me so hard lmao.

I just wanted a fucking hug man. And my tears wiped away and my damn emotion acknowledged.

If anyone makes it this far, thank you. I hope this wasn’t too long and that it didn’t set off any alarms. Take care of yourself, please?

⚠️⚠️⚠️

End of post!

#mine #8:11 am #writing #tw #tw vent #ptsd #abuse #trauma

[smuttyfairy]

i just finished watching thirteen reasons why and im telling you guys it's not something people with mental issues should watch. i have ptsd and i have been sexually assaulted 3 times and i couldn't stop crying up to now whenever i remember something i cant just- it's so hard you know being reminded of something bad that has happened to you. but im okay tho, i can handle it. but the thing is that watching thjs triggered a lot of things in me. and you know the suicide thoughts recurred but im

working on how i can change that and relieve it. i dont want to the butterfly effect to happen to my loved ones. i want it to affect those people who have hurt me. i love my family and friends. i love my friends even if they betrayed me a lot of times. i would feel alone because no one ever defended me. they befriended the person who sexually assaulted me because they needed favors from him. and to those people who knew no one came up to me to ask me if i was okay or what. they didnt do anything

but idk maybe it’s because of the good things that they’ve done and the happy memories we shared that kept me still wanting their company. that happened when i was in 9th gr. but in 10th gr people made made up a rumor of me having a sex video. it wasnt true though i swear. and that resulted for me to have these teachers to pick on me, talk about me. and assume things. it really hurt my feelings bc one of the teachers failed me so i could not attend our “moving up ceremony”. i felt sad and alone

okay wth i forgot where i left off. but anyway, they were the ones who spread rumors abt me too. they threw me under the bus. they like befriending people who have hurt my feelings. i cant even forgive them up to now. but they did help me with a lot of things too. they helped me a lot. they’re nice people but sometimes they just want to save their own skin, act cool, and all those “popular kids” do. my group and i are popular at school and they value that so much. im the only one who befriends

those “quiet” kids. they call me weird and stuff for being different. i love them but sometimes it’s just too much to handle you know. they expect me to do tons of shit for them but when it’s my turn to tell them im having problems of my own they tell me their busy or they give half-hearted replies. i just dont fucking know anymore. every time im alone i think of all these bad thoughts and it makes me hurt myself physically so i could stop thinking about those bad thoughts

my life right now is a total fucking mess. and idk what to do anymore you know. everything is so hard. oh and when my friends asked “the guy” why he did what he did. he blamed me for giving him “signals” which i fucking didnt. because if i did give him “signals” i could’ve kissed him you know. fuck, even the mere thought of it makes me sick. my friends also blamed me for it. victim blaming fucking hurts especially when the ones who did it are your friends.

sorry for cussing. im just so angry at everyone. but i have to hide it so people wouldn’t worry abt me. i dont like being a burden so i’ll just keep it all to myself. sorry for ruining this wonderful acc’s vibe. it’s just that everything has taken its toll and i dont have anyone to talk to. thank you so much.

---->Hey anon~ sorry for my late reply I really wanted to just take a seat and relax and take the time to read and thoroughly answer this for you without the whole rush of trying to get this posted.

I’ve seen the first couple eps of 13 Reasons Why and man, I may not have mental problems nor depression but gaaahhh…the first ep had me triggered because I had a similar situation like that happen to me. I won’t lie that watching that ep made me feel a little sad and regretful and sort of empty in a way???

So definitely I wouldn’t recommend it to someone who has depression and/or mental issues because it is a show on very sensitive topics. I mean, it is a good show! Don’t get me wrong! I know they wanted to make the book come to life and perhaps get the message out that young people have their life struggles and how to change it or fix it or prevent it and etc BUT MAN OH MAN it’s still hella triggering.

And back to you anon, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this :/ sometimes the people who say they’re your friends are so quick to turn on you when they hear a “rumor” about you with a guy. I know bc this something on a much simpler level happened to me once (a stupid rumor similar to Hannah in ep 1) and I can’t believe how powerful one rumor and one guy can get to cause a group of friends you thought you knew to turn on you??? Like man…what’s wrong with people? It’s definitely painful and heartbreaking when no one is on your side and believes you and you have to deal with it alone :/ It breaks my heart to know you’ve gone to no one about this serious issue with that dick bag low life of a guy. He doesn’t deserve to see the light of day hun and you should definitely report it to someone :/ I’m so very sorry again anon 😔

Also, I’m upset that your suicidal thoughts recurred yet so glad to hear you’re trying to change and prevent yet this from others. You’re a strong soul my love, keep on holding out ❤️ Everyone may feel alone and feel like there isn’t a way out and that no one can help them but in actuality there are people just like them who suffer similar issues. Definitely voicing out that you need help is a great step compared to keeping to yourself. There are people in your local community who you can go to, school counselors or therapists, hotlines you can call, and people all over on forum boards or social group chats you can talk to and discuss these problems with. No one wants to suffer alone and no one wants to be alone.

You’re a good person anon, I can feel it. The world needs more people like you honestly. Your so called “friends” treat you horrible in my opinion? They seem to fall into the pressure of wanting to be popular and not getting judged harshly by others. Tsk tsk tsk. Is popularity really that much important?? Honestly though, none of your middle/high school social status lives will matter once you graduate. No one actually cares about that once you, you know, finally “grow up”, so,,,,, jokes on them. (Of course what you learn in class is always going to matter ^^)

But good for you anon! You befriend people who your questionable friends would not. I’m glad you do because everyone could use a nice friend like you even if you are under-appreciated by them and neglected by them. Thank you for being such a good person to them. Honestly though, they probably don’t deserve a friend like you :’)

I just know you’re in a lot of pain and I know you don’t want to be a burden anon, but trust me. You don’t want to pent up anything like this and you oh most certainly do not need to feel like a burden to not make the people around you worry. You should definitely voice out your feelings and you should do it to people who care. Perhaps maybe your friends and teachers may not be a choice in that matter, however the option of calling a hotline to voice these issues would be much more helpful and hopefully beneficial for you.

I hope you slowly take the steps to get better and relax your mind and body from such stress. Deep breaths in and out are very helpful, get some fresh air into those lungs anon! Listen to music and sleep, cleanse your soul even if you’re bored! Take up new habits like exercising or maybe painting? Draw your mind’s attention away from your problem and distract yourself with things you can enjoy doing. Take care of yourself and please make sure you contact someone when you feel you’re at your lowest. Feel better dear💗

-All my love,Admin Smuttyfairy

#Anonymous

[lookwhatilost]

24

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin. 

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven